Easy Sunday morning, yeah right! lmao

I was all set to come on here at about 9.30am and post how amazing it is to realise that things with 3 small kids have got far easier over the last few months. It is a Sunday morning and I have changed the girls beds, washed all their sheets, given everyone breakfast, emptied the dishwasher and put it on again, tided the kitchen and even had an hour to myself to read, exercise, shower and get ready. I also have to say I only woke at 7.30am so it is not as if I had an early one. The girls are now happy in the garden and JJ is upstairs with his cars. Dh is feeling poorly so it looks like we will not be off to our church this morning and I might take the kids to visit our old church who have a much more kid friendly short service at 11.30am.

I do feel very blessed to have 3 wonderful children who are really growing up. I was feeling calm and serene and then just as always, as I sat at the PC I heard JJ start shouting and telling the girls off and generally sounding like he is the parent of the house (do I really sound like that? They say kids mimic their parents). I head to the kitchen and there is 2 small twins with half a dozen eggs smashed on the floor. God obviously wanted to take me back to reality and remind me that yes whilst things are getting better there is still the testing times! Luckily I am in a very good mood today and I can see the funny side and am over it already!

I hope anyone reading has a great Sunday. x

My recovery today

As I have mentioned every day is to be treated as a new entity and I should only really be thinking about and living for that day and do you know what? I am getting better at it! yay I feel as if I am making some steps forward in my recovery in general and that my emotional health is improving. I am still not abstinent, I had one really good abstinent day and the others over the last couple of weeks have just been OK, not terrible but still with many foods/ snacks that I did not need/ should not of had. I weighed yesterday morning as I had no real idea where I was weight wise and I was 16st 1lb, so much better than a week ago but not as low as I have been. Since being back home I have got straight back into doing my crunches in the morning as well.

I wish I had a laptop over the last week as I have done so much thinking and realisation and now I sit at the PC, it is hard to remember it all and capture it. I have moved onto step 2, I think no 1 is now in hand and I have truly realised and come to believe that I am powerless over food. I am now working on step 2 which is coming to believing that a higher power can restore me to sanity. This other ED meeting I went to this week was good as it appeared there were alot of long term members there and loads of recovery in the room. I think I need to get out and see some more ED meetings and be inspired by people with long term recovery. My group is a fairly new one and lacks people who are able to become my sponsor.

Whilst at Mum and Dad's I went to church (one which I really love and have visited many times) and again I got that message to do less and be more. I had some realisation that whilst I appear to be a good student of my ED literature I was not actually doing anything with the info I was reading. The stuff is only useful if you actually absorb it, think on it and perhaps apply some of it to your own life. I realised that I do not allow myself any time for thinking.

Whilst at church I wrote some notes and I have just seen that one of them was that I would dump any to do lists. Realistically they just stress me out and make me want to do more. shhh, don't tell anyone but I actually think sometimes I just write things on them to feel needed and also to feel as if I have achieved something. I have been known to write things on them that are already done, just so I can put the line through that thing. Crazy!

I also put down that I would ensure I take 1/2 hour every day to just be with God and focus. This should not be just before I go to bed as then I end up falling asleep. Thinking about it I did do this each day whilst away, I also took time to go down on my knees at the end of each day to thank God and chat to him. Since I have been back home I have not done this, so I must make a special effort tomorrow.

My last item I wrote about was the need to turn more over to God and to stop trying to trust my own or the worlds wisdom. Only God knows the perfect plan for me and often it will be very different to my own but I truly know it will fulfil all my needs and be the best for me.

So I am going to sign off now, as I am getting very tired and it would be nice to half hour mindless TV before I head up to bed to pray and sleep.

The big boy returns!

JJ arriving at camp

Hidden in a box!

Assault course



On the downhill trolleys.....

Pot-holing - brave boy!

Relaxing after a hard days camping.

My big boy is back from camp minus a tooth, so that is now 2 he has lost and at the tender age of 5 he has one of his adult teeth growing through. Can that be right? surely he is too young, I will have to google and investigate.

I can tell he has been with 9 - 15 year old for a week as he is a tad more cheeky than when he left me (Daddy and I will soon knock that out), dh is being referred to as Dad, the Daddy has been dropped and his voice even sounds different. I know that sounds a bit crazy but I suppose he has just become used to conversing at a different level for the last week.

He had an amazing time at camp, his second year and got an award for 12 nights away, so once he is invested as Beaver he will be able to get his first badge straight away. We have to frame his certificate apparently.

He did a wide variety of activities: potholing, swimming, wide games, hiking, racing trolleys etc etc and apparently they all did skits around the camp fire to earn points for their team and JJ stood up and did some knock knock jokes. Where does he get the confidence from?

I'm a lucky girl!

Well I have been missed! Had numerous people looking for me whilst I have been away at Mum and Dad's. I had no idea that so many people read this blog or that I was noticed on other Internet sites I regularly visit. It is nice to feel wanted.

My boys went camping with the cubs and scouts last Saturday, so me and the girls headed down to my parents and we just got back last night - it was 5 nights and 6 days of total pampering and it went so quick. Mostly I spent time with Mum as Dad was at work but we also got to see him each morning/ night and my brother on a few evenings. Although he quickly became aware of what it is like to have 2 small toddlers who want your attention when you have just got home form work! lol I do not think he is ready for kids yet!

I also got some jobs done whilst there, like haircuts, shopping, take backs, banking and car service and MOT. So I feel very up to date now, I unpacked last night and have done 3 washes already - the last is just drying now. Off to do the shopping in a moment and then hopefully the girls will come back for a nice long nap and I can do some ebay stuff. The boys are back at about 4pm and I am cooking us all a nice roast and then there will be a ton more muddy washing to do! it never stops...

I went to an ED meeting whilst I was away and it was good to see a different group and set up. I also did loads of resting, reading, praying, relaxing etc etc. I feel positive and in a good place at the moment, I will blog more about my eating and mind state when I get a chance, at the moment two young girls are bored with mummy being on the PC.

So thank you Mum and Dad, you really are the best parents a girl could have. I am very lucky, not only for all the love and help you gave me but also with the tons of shopping bags that came home with new clothes, jewellery, perfume and bedding. Also the money to buy my new beloved Radley messenger bag - mine is really past its sell by date.

Shopping calls, catch you all later. x

Quick update from me

In general I am fine, I am feeling OK, not unhappy or anything but not ecstatic either.

I have not been being very good around my food, but I am taking heart that my ED meeting promotes that you have to keep coming back as one day the miracle will happen and it will all click for me and I will abstain. For some people this takes years, I have always known that God is trying to encourage me to have more patience! I just pray that it comes sooner rather than later.

I was driving along in the car the other day and thinking about food (like I do) and I realised that actually whilst I want to lose weight, be well and be a good role model I do not actually WANT to abstain from eating what I consider to be the fun and yummy foods. I suppose I do have to get to the point where I want to give them up and where I am willing to do so. They always say with alcoholics and smokers and anyone else with an addiction that they can only be helped when they want to be and I guess I have not yet got to that place. It is a sad realisation but at least it is another step along my journey.

Happy 2nd Birthday Baby Girls

M in her best new 'glam' shoes and E with her 'preddy' (read pretty) beads

M models Nannys glasses

E shows what a little hippe she is, never happier than when she has a headband and tons of beads and bangels!

M models her new watch or tick tock as she likes to call it

It was my girlies second birthday this weekend. I can not believe they have got so big - time really does fly by. I was in hospital this time 2 years ago with a very sore and massive tummy and two tiny heads attached to my boobs! There is a lovely image for you, lmao. I could not imagine being without them now, so very different and both absolutely gorgeous.

M has not been well today, another viral infection and E has been so cute bringing her dummies and the Bob the Builder soft toy - she knew what would pacify her sister.

End of Reception year

JJ on the girls birthday, trying out their balance board.

and trying to look brainy - modelling Nannys glasses (can you see the girls chocolate birthday cake all round his face?)

My big boy has 2 days left of this school year and then he will officially be moving from the foundation stage to Key Stage 1 and proper learning! I don't think he is going to know what has hit him. An hour less outdoor play each day, PE twice per week and far less student led play learning..... an as for dh and I, it will be a shock too - proper homework and being more disciplined for him to do it straight after school.

We got his report last week and I was pretty pleased. It was not the most glowing one in the class but it was honest and painted a picture of the JJ I know and love. He was described as a lively boy, who has settled in well to school life. Speaking in a loud voice and finding it hard to stay on task when working independently, as well as rushing over his work. Clever and caring boy was a phrase I particularly liked. Basically his report could of been mine at the same age, I was always described as clever but too noisy and disruptive. I can't really blame him when it is in the genes can I?

Todays Grace in small things

To balance out my yuck post, here are a few things that have made me smile -

1. M hurt her finger and each time she remembers it hurts she gives it a tiny little kiss to make it better
2. I am off for a lovely evening with friends and my Mum tonight
3. My hydrangas are in full bloom and look very beautiful
4. E is on the mend and in a much happier mood
5. I got some half price bedding at M&S today
6. My Dad did a dump run for me
7. It is my girlies second birthday tomorrow and we will enjoy cake and pressie opening in about an hour, so that dh can join in

Yuck, Yuck, Yuck!

Well that is how I feel today. It is one of those awful days when I get all anxious and there appears to be no real reason for it. It really wears me out and I lose the ability to make decisions and to have fun. I am so thankful my Mum is here as she is busy playing with the kids giving me a bit of time to sort out some things and to have a little catch up on here. It is amazing how much better you feel after 20 minutes of time to think without the babies.

I have now sorted out my nursery fees which had me owing over £1K rather than the £243 I expected and have wipped the arses of those people at T mobile who dared to increase my tariff by double without telling me. Why they do these things I have no idea, well I do. It is because they think they can get away with it. Not with me....

I am off out tonight with the school mums and my Mum for a Chinese and a disco and I think once I get there I will have a fab time. I am sure I will indulge too much with food but at least I am driving so I will be drinking calorie free water or diet coke. Today has not been too bad a day I have just eaten my meals and nothing in between, which is a start but my lunch and dinner are pretty calorific.

I had a very good ED meeting last, I really related to what a few people spoke about and I managed to get home without stopping at the chip shop. Every small thing is something to be celebrated. At least I am not on self-destruct right now.

Been a bad girl

The title says it all really. After saying I needed to be good with food this week to keep my weight loss I have been totally out of control and I appear to be showing no signs of stopping. I prayed the other day to keep me away from some food and to stop me eating stuff I did not need and frankly I could not of been sincere enough as nothing happened. I think God knew I was going through the motions rather than it being a true heart cry that I wanted help.

I am now just about to go and get chocolate from the vending machine and I am not even hungry, in fact I feel quite full. So I assume I am eating to stifle some kind of emotion, not sure what as I feel fine on the surface but there really has to be some kind of reason why I do this and I just do not feel as if I have the energy at the moment to deny myself and to deal with my addiction. I think I am tried - an early night must be in order today. and then hopefully tomorrow is another day and I can pray to turn this blasted illness and addiction over to God once and for all.

Baby for sale.............

This should of been posted Saturday or even Sunday but I just did not have the time or energy then! Boy what a difficult day Saturday was. Dh went to work from about 7am - 11pm, so crap for him and crap for me. E was so hard to deal with all day. I assumed she was still feeling poorly and was thus very patient with her but I just wanted to run away as the whining was constant and wore me down. Mummy was the constant cry or should that read muuummmmy! Luckily JJ and M were good kids and did not hassle me too much.

E managed a little 50 min nap in the day and was tired the rest of it. I decided the best strategy was to keep us all busy so we went to soft play in the morning and had lunch there, then shopping in the afternoon with chocolate bribery as we went round Morrisons and chip shop tea. I am such a good Mum! lmao but the kids had a good time in general and we got through the day without me killing anyone or swearing at them, so I think it can be voted a success!

Once the girls were in bed JJ and I celebrated by tidying up the house and snuggling in my bed together to watch total wipeout. A good bit of family TV on a Saturday night is a great cure for a hard days parenting.

I am pleased to report that after being back at Nursery yesterday E was back to being her normal gorgeous little self and thus she is no longer for sale!

Reflecting on this weeks weight loss....

Yep you read that right, I weighed this morning and I have lost weight. This is a pure miracle as I was not joking when I posted yesterday that I have been very bad. So I was 15st 11lb on my scales today and I really do not think they are too inaccurate as I only got them about 2 months ago, they were sent to me specially to take part in some twins research, so I have to weigh and measure the girls regularly. I then popped into Boots and weighed there but with my clothes and shoes on and they had me as 16st, so all pretty accurate.

Of course I am pleased that my weight has gone down and I have thanked God but I also sort of feel a fraud as I do not deserve to of lost weight. I actually thought I would put it on. I now need to be extra good for the next week or it will catch up with me and I felt that God extends me so much grace that I have to play my part too.

It is funny to not be overjoyed to have lost weight, it feels as if it is a step further on my recovery journey. I have been so focused on weight loss and not enough on getting my head sorted and now it feels that I am realising the importance of not just eating and getting away with it but eating well and cleanly and not fooling myself or anyone else.

The 'for today' readings for the last couple of days have been good and pertinent. One spoke about honesty and how honest was I being with myself? Acknowledging that everyone has a different path to follow but that honesty is not open to interpretation and we must stop fooling ourselves. The other was about feeling your pain and getting in touch with that pain being a positive thing. I now acknowledge I have to stand head on with God to face whatever is coming my way - scary.....

What made me smile today...

1. E so excited when I arrived home from work at 11.30am, apparently she had asked for me constantly since at I left at 7.45am.
2. M and E being complete flirts with a family a few tables away in KFC today. M particularly kept laughing, being coy and playing bee boo as they all encouraged her with big smiles and laughs. I was very proud of my gorgeous girls that they could attract so much attention!
3. E eating her lunch and asking for more (she is poorly, so this is a big achievement - we are on the cusp on chicken pox I think)
4. The 'to do' pile at work going right down!
5. E sleeping, so I could get all of downstairs thoroughly cleaned.
6. Finishing the ironing....
7. Me and the kids all having a dance together.
8. JJ trying to be such a big boy and helping me as he knows E is ill.

Self destruct!

I feel like I am on self destruct right now but a bit powerless to do anything about it! It is as if I do not want to do anything about it and I am trying to sabotage my weight loss. I got on the scales Sunday (I know, I know!) but they had gone in the right direction and I felt good and then Tuesday and Wednesday I have just been eating loads and in a really odd fashion. Yesterday I was scoffing and I felt full and sick but did not stop. I also bought some butter, which is something I never do nowadays as I love it too much and I was literally eating small chunks of it on its own as I drove home. I was then worrying that dh would see the butter and know I had been scoffing it in the car. I expect I have repulsed you now. I know most people would not consider eating butter alone but I love it.

Stuff that I normally just will not buy at the moment has made its way back in my house - ginger cake and brownies and whilst it is one thing to be bad once and then stop. If I bring them in the house they all then 'NEED' eating. I think I will just have to be wasteful and bin them. I am thankful to say that I have not yet got to the sorry state where I pull food from the bin to eat it. I know many a compulsive overeater does!

So today I feel fat and quite repulsive. I don't actually think it is that I look repulsive I think it is that I am pretty disgusted with my own behaviour around food the last couple of days. I have definitely been like an alcoholic who has fallen off the wagon and gone on a binge. Thank goodness I have an ED meeting tomorrow night. I think tonight I need to read some literature and refocus and perhaps start working my steps.

I am feeling a bit funny about writing my blog today as I am so honest here and I am starting to realise that more and more people who really know me are reading this. I none of you think I am too odd!

Kiddie Update

My kids are so much fun at the moment, I am not sure if it is their development making them seem more interesting or if it is because I am giving them more time and attention - whatever, it is great!

JJ - fell off the slide yesterday and hurt his arm, he is still such a baby really. He just wanted hugs and reassurance that all was OK. He went to work with daddy on Saturday and made him proud by being such a good boy, helping with tasks and keeping himself busy when necessary. Then today when E was ill, he sat and held her in a cuddle and gave her juice so I could get on with tea. They looked so cute there together.

M - what a defiant minx! but a real cuddle monster. Her chatting is coming on and she loves to spot buses, noise bikes (motorbikes) and lorries as we drive along. Singing is a favourite pastime, especially when she should be falling asleep. She is now showing an interest in potty training and loves to wear high heels and pretty clothes. In all but looks, she is a mini JJ with his same effervescent personality and energy.

E - my gorgeous natured little quiet girl. She runs after her brother and sister, always a length behind but adores the two of them and copies everything but in a much quieter fashion. She has her Alfie bear who is her best friend and she has recently taken to a massive fleece blanket! She is also enjoying starting to talk and will gabble to her dollies and teddies about who knows what.

In all, they are great kids and I love them so much my heart aches. They drive me bonkers at times, especially JJ, he is so wearing but I would not want a placid boy and therefore he suits me.

Here is JJ looking after little E and then M decided she ought to be in the photo too! and of course one has a dummy then the other wants one too. There is no hope for me.....

My mental addicts mind!

I have been feeling pretty good the last few days - really quite confident. Today I was at work and I felt confident and I knew this made me look good, I had a new hairstyle (which loads of people commented on!), gorgeous high heels and I just felt on top of the world. My mind then turned to 'why do I need to get control of my eating and lose weight when I can feel good like this and I could just eat bad food away from my kids and still give them a good upbringing and be a good role model'.

Then I really thought about this and it just made me realise how crazy and mucked up the thinking of an addict is. I do not like to refer to myself as an addict as that conjures up pictures of drugs and alcohol but the truth is that my drug of choice is food! The fact that I have been thinking about just eating bad food away form my kids or in private is a bad thing in itself - that could lead to a whole new eating disorder.

I know I have not been trying hard enough and the problem is that I am not surrendering to God and handing this problem over. I am sure I have mentioned this lots of times on here, sorry if am boring you. I am hoping that by keep reminding myself at some point it will click and I will surrender and become abstinent.

End of week 10

I weighed this morning and I am 16st, so that is a loss of 2lb from last week. I am fairly pleased with that as I have been better and been trying to record my food plan the night before but I have not been abstinent at all.

I have been so good with doing my crunches each morning, I expect that must be having an effect.

I must remember to just keep going - one day at a time and not to get too hung up on the future.

For Today: Pride

Yesterday when reading my 'for today' book I came across a reading which really spoke to me. I do find this tiny little book a wonderful resource for opening up my mind and making me do some thinking.

The reading was about pride - 'When a proud man hears another praised, he thinks himself injured'. The text then talks about abstinence being a blind that I pull up form the window so I can see the real world and the real me. I am a willful child wanting to be first, be best, be noticed and be praised. Oh my goodness I am that person! I have been trying not to be for the last couple of years as I know it is fruitless and silly to be proud that my car is better than your car etc. I know that I am not supposed to compare myself to other people, I should only compare myself to God's standard - to Jesus and boy do I fall a long way short on that one!

The text then goes on to say that I need to work the steps to learn to turn over the defect of pride and to ask for it to be removed, so that I can share in others joys and not be jealous and prideful.

Lord, again I realise I need to be focused on being me and changing me to your way rather than doing lots of tasks. I have my meeting tonight and I will get my steps workbook out and starting focusing more on getting well.

Grace in small things for today

I have not shared any of my joys recently and I am always so conscious that this blog can become a depressing place - so a quick post before lunch.

1. Jacob had a great sports day this week and really enjoyed himself
2. My E looks so cute with her bunches, she makes my heart melt just looking at her
3. Hearing my girls call each other by name and watching them play together
4. Loving the fact that God is gracious and forgives all my flaws and imperfections
5. A superb holiday at Butlins last week
6. Enjoying the training course that I co-facilitated this week at work
7. Having the best parents, who are so loving and giving
8. M being my little minx, who is so expressive and hilarious
9. Going to see some good friends later
10. Dh not having to work late tonight
11. A lovely lunch with 2 of the girls God parents yesterday

Think that will do, I have so much to be thankful for. xx

Week 9 over, Today is a new day!

I can not believe that I have been going to ED for 9 weeks now. I am afraid my weight has not changed this week. I am 16st 2lb but this is not a surprise as I have not really tried too much and work has prevented me getting to my normal exercise classes. I have been doing my 100 - 150 crunches each morning and today boy can I feel that, I even might have pulled something. I am now crunching from the waist and also lifting my legs to meet my hands in the middle - it is really straining! but I need it...

Now I am sitting here with an opportunity to write, I do not know what to say. So many times when I can not get to the PC I sit there and conjure up a great blog entry - isn't that just the way.

So far today I am abstinent and very grateful for that. My temper had been getting the better of me again recently and I have been short with the kids or shouty, I realised last night at meeting that I need to be abstinent to stay in a good frame of mind to ensure that I am being the best person I can be. Whilst my head is obsessed with food and temptation I am not all I should be. So yet again I am trying - I need to do some serious praying to keep me focused.

I think I have two little ladies who do not feel well today, streaming noses and gunky eyes as well as teeth coming through accompanied by runny bums and general miseries! I feel quite unsure what to do - I have this big 'to do' list of things to get through but then the girls will probably not sleep again today (as they fell asleep for 1/2 hr in the pushchair on the way back form toddlers). I ought to just allow myself to enjoy 2 hours with the girls and whatever TV we fancy before we collect JJ. I think sometimes I do just need to give myself permission not to achieve and just to enjoy my kids. The girls are at a lovely age at the moment - they will be 2 in 3 weeks and their amount of chatting and fun we have is great.

So off now to do lunch for us all - I will stick to plan, planning the night before does help me so much. Then some playing and resting is the order of the day - after all I was up at 1.30am this morning with M crying in my arms - we fell asleep together on the single bed in the girls room but it was not comfy and I feel quite tired today for it.

Worship to bless God and not to satisfy me!

There was a good sermon at church this morning, the youth and worship pastor led it and I can really relate to what he spoke about. He talked of us worshipping to bless God and doing it for God as it pleases him and not because we want to, or because it satisfies a need for us. It is just plain rude when we pick and choose which song or style or music we like and only join in at our convenience.

Boy, could I relate to this. I have been so guilty of this in the past. I can remember myself saying that I hate a particular song, or won't sing as I do not know this one etc etc. I hope to be far more conscious of this in the future and to just really give my couple of hours each week at church to God to bless him as he is sovereign and rules. I really love to sing and I must try to do more of it, just because God loves to hear me and to know that I am thinking of him.

End of week 8 update

I was on hols last Thursday so I did not weigh and did not even think about the fact it was weigh day and that feels good. I did weigh this morning though and not surprisingly I was up to 16st 2lb, so a put on of about 5lb in just over a week. My holiday was fab though and if I am honest whilst I was marginally better than holidays in the past I was not at all abstinent.

I took my 'for today' book with me and there was some good and relevant readings but I hardly read any literature at all. So when I wake in the morning, it all starts again - once more - and this time I pray that by the grace of God it will be successful. I so do not want to pass this awful disease to my children and every day I still act irrationally around food they are learning those early habits.

2 in a row - better keep an eye.....

Just read back over my last blog entry before today and I had not even remembered that I felt the same way last Saturday as I do today. There does seem to be more blah days just recently. I suppose I better keep an eye on that. They often say that with therapy it gets worse before it gets better - so that could be some of it I suppose.

Feeling bogged down!

I am back from my hols and we had a wonderful time, I was sad to leave and come home. I had intended this first post back to be a cheerful one about what a fab time we all had - perhaps I will feel up to that post later.

At the moment I just have a busy head and I feel really bogged down. It is totally irrational and I assume I am feeling like it because it is that time of the month and my hormones are haywire but perhaps there is another reason and I am just not aware of it. I know I want to eat and that is me trying to mask feelings and worries. I do hate this crazy illness that they call compulsive overeating but I feel so lethargic to do anything about it. I know that once I can really admit I am powerless over food and that it is God who will change me and my life then things will start to turn around but I do seem to be fighting that.

My head tells me off as there is nothing to be worrying about. Why can I not just relax and enjoy a day with my family? We only came back yesterday and already the washing and ironing is up to date but here I am worrying that I need to prepare tomorrow dinner, mow the lawn, plant some flowers, do the PTA summer fete breakdown, answer emails, catch up with friends on the net, clean out the car, do some ironing and sorting for ebay, put the ebay listings up. It is completely crazy, many people can just enjoy a day with their family and be content that everyone has had a good time and that is enough of an achievement in one day for them - I would love that. I have many friends who can just do a day of being and not have to keep rushing around doing stuff all day. I know many people think I try to be superwoman with trying to get everything done but actually the truth is that I am just a complete head case!

One day I will be normal, I do believe that. God will restore me to sanity.

Been a miserable old cow today!

...........and I do not even know why. Maybe I just woke up wrong. From very early in the morning I felt anxious and apprehensive and unable to make a simple decision. I know I was more grumpy/ short with the kids than I should have been, they did not deserve it - sorry JJ, M and E.

It was one of those days when I just wanted to have been left alone. I needed some me time and with no school, no dh and no babysitters I had the kids all day on my own - it can get very lonely with no adult company.

When I think back the kids all behaved pretty well and they did some fun stuff but I just did not really like my day at all. I started to feel better when we got home at 4.30pm and I actually just sat down and vegged for 1/2 hour whilst they all enjoyed the nice weather playing in the garden.

I really do not know why I was a grumpy cow, I hope it was a one off. I felt really overloaded for some reason and it was not entirely rational. It was how I started to feel last year when I was bogged down and depressed. It could just have been the thought of the busy weekend ahead and the stress of doing the money for the school fete and then packing for holiday - tomorrow will be a manic day but I can only do what I can do and I must relax and let it go.

Let go and let God, that is one of the ED meeting mantras - so true.

Going to put the ironing away now and treat myself to an early night.

Tired Friday, end of week 7

Just a quick post, feeling very tired and I ought to stop sitting at the PC. Been a busy day with the kids - just playing and sorting stuff. We are off to Butlins on Monday and I am getting very excited now - 5 adults and 3 kids - yay they are outnumbered at last! Dh and I will actually get some together alone - how lovely, some cuddles!

ED meeting was good last night, we covered step one, so that was just needed for me. I realise I must learn to surrender and stop being focused on the weight loss and realise that once I accept I need to stop eating compulsively and turn it over to God, the rest follows. I will keep working at it. Taking my literature with me next week.

Weighed yesterday morning, the scales were saying 15st 11lb, so I am now about 2 stone lighter than before I feel PG with the girls. That is wonderful but I have to remember to focus on abstinence to keep it going. Will try and post properly over the weekend, but if life gets in the way, then I will see you in about a week - have a good one!

Update from yesterday & shopping addiction!

In 100% better mood today. I did not enjoy yesterday at all, I tried not to allow myself to get too low and to wallow in things but I did end up eating a bar of chocolate that was not planned for. Did I feel better for eating it? not really. Did I really enjoy it? not really - must remember that for next time.

Dh and I had a good old chat last night and got some stuff in the open and I feel better for knowing his views but am so sorry I have inadvertently hurt him. He has enough issues without me adding more, so I will try and actively remember to curb my spending and to be good. What is it they say - look after the pennies and the pounds will take care of themselves.

I think I am starting to identify that spending/ shopping is my other addiction. I like the thrill of having something new. Where I have lost weight recently I have got all excited and bought a few new things and because they have individually been cheap £3 or £5, then I have told myself it is OK, but I forget it all adds up. So I have some bits to take back and put the money back in our bank account.

It is really crazy as I get seduced by the fact that something is reduced and therefore a good deal but I must stop. I think I will just have to stay away from the shops for now and keep temptation out of my way until I have done some more reading and worked the steps more to learn to see the difference between want and need.

I did not realise but it appears that I am even being compulsive with the food shopping and overspending there. I really do not mean to do that. I said to A last night that maybe I will have a food list which I agree with him and then I can not deviate off it or he can go shopping.

So for now I am on a spending ban. Luckily my gym membership is taken care of out of my salary so I can continue to enjoy that and things like toddlers cost just £1.50 so I will keep going there, but meals out need to be minimal and nights out with the girls stopped etc etc. We are on holiday next week and there will be a cost there and then it is time for the car service and car tax very soon - £400 out the window. I must keep this bigger picture in focus.

I have decided I will look at our spending and the bank account more often, so that A does not have to feel the responsibility is all on him. We are a partnership and we need to strive to do things together.

Grace in small things

In an attempt to make myself feel more cheerful and to pull me out of the doldrums I will try and be glad of 5 things.

1. I got a lovely comment from someone at church yesterday to say how lovely and full of life Jacob is. It is so nice to hear that some people appreciate his vivacious ways.
2. Work is not stressful at the moment and I have enough time between each activity to think and get my work just right.
3. My ironing is all up to date!
4. This time next week I will be travelling to my holidays! yay
5. God is in my life and he makes it so much better than it would be otherwise.

Trying not to be down

I feel a bit blah today and I am trying really hard not to. I know that it is just a state of mind (it could be hormonal too - I lose track!) and I can work hard to stay in good form and not to allow other people or events to affect my mind state.

So far today I have forgotten to bring my handbag to work - so have no money, phone or entrance card for work. I then got to work and realised I had forgotten to give the girls dummies to nursery - so I do hope they have managed to go off to sleep without them.

About noon I was just walking out the door to go to aqua aerobics when something made me check my bag and low and behold I have forgotten my swimsuit - so glad I did not walk all the way over there to find out. I could really have done with a good jump around and to know I have actively participated in my health kick today.

I have been good with food so far today but it is constantly on my mind and it feels a real battle today. So the answer must be that I should pray.

Then I will call my hubbie and try to clear the air, I hate it when it feels as if we are out of balance with each other.

For today: Just Being

I was reading my 'for today' book this morning and the days reading really appealed to me. I did not realise it would at first as it was talking about the knowledge that I possess being available to others but that my heart is just my own. It then went on to say that the 12 steps open my heart, free my mind and release my God-given potential for the peaceful enjoyment of just being.

I am sure you may have read me banging on about how much I 'do' and how little I spend time just 'being' so this really spoke to me. Yet again I feel that God has reinforced that he wants me to slow down and spend time really getting to know him and also myself. For someone like me this is so liberating - it is OK to play with my kids, lay on a bed to think and just wonder around alone.

Feeling confused!

I am doing pretty darn well at the moment. I have been praying lots, reading my literature and calling dh if I need to talk - all to stop me compulsively eating. I have not been perfect but I have been so much better and seeing as my ED meeting teaches me to 'go easy on myself' I am feeling good too.

I am still too focused on losing weight rather than sorting out my compulsive behaviour. Do not get me wrong, I do want to sort that out but for me, at the moment it is secondary. I have been worrying about this but a friend at ED the other night told me to give myself space and time and not to try and force things on myself. Everything is in God's time and not mine and it will come if I let it. This was very comforting to me.

So Thursday I was abstinent, yesterday not so great and today so far (thank you Lord) I have been abstinent. One day at a time - I will keep striving for wellness and wholeness and with this will come the weight loss that I so long for..... and also hopefully the 'normal' eating behaviour that will teach my kids the right way to be around food, rather than them grow up obsessed with food like I am.

I am struggling to get my thoughts in order at the moment to make a decision of what is right for me. Abstinence as defined by ED is 'refraining from compulsive overeating'. This keeps it nice and simple and then everyone has their own plan of eating that they work to achieve this goal. Many people seem to give up sugar, white flour and anything made with those two, others give up fats, fried foods, caffeine. I find the thought of living without these things horrifying! At the moment I truly do not believe that I need to give up white flour - it is not a trigger food for me.

I have learnt that whatever plan I make is OK as long as my behaviour is not compulsive. I must wait and pray and see what the Lord reveals to me. Perhaps I am being naive at the moment and I will need to give up all sugar and white flour etc. For now I will be content to stay away from chocolate, cakes, biscuits and butter - as those are the things that I know create problems and I just want excessive portions of.

I love having this blog, it is so therapeutic to get my thoughts down and to feel a little more relived of the great weights that I carry around in my mind.

Off to read some literature now and make the most of my little ladies having a snooze.

Today I have a problem.............

..........it is a tad annoying but I can live with it. I have to keep pulling up my jeans as they are now too big! and my best belt seems to be missing!

Now that is the sort of problem that I like! lol

I tried on a few things last night/ this morning and I am really starting to see the difference. I think the 100-150 crunches that I am doing every day are starting to have an impact. I need to sell my beautiful Monsoon dress I wore twice in December as it literally falls off me now and there are some summer items I have got out of the drawers that I can get into.

I weighed this morning (was feeling so excited) and was pleased to see I am at 15st 13lb. Back down into those magic 15's............... roll on the 14's!

OK, slow down Mich, one day at a time remember.

Grace in small things

You never know, I might actually get to post every day for a week about the grace I have found in small things.

1. I love my family and the important ones are all still with me
2. My progression meeting at work yesterday went pretty well (I think!)
3. I have on a new pair of gorgeous cut-off trousers, that I am positive would not have fitted me 2 months ago
4. My girlies are both napping right now after playing and chatting together in their cots for over an hour!
5. It is the Apprentice tonight and 2 hours of it! yay

No more excuses!

I woke up this morning feeling very adamant that I have to stop making excuses and I need to really get my head around being good with food and being abstinent. The day has been pretty good so far, I resisted cakes at work.

I know what my problem is at the moment: I want to lose weight first and sort out my crazy head and compulsive overeating second but I have that round the wrong way! I must rely on God more and willpower less that is when I will see the change and things will dramatically get better.

It is now 6 weeks (will weigh tomorrow morning) since I started going to my ED meetings and I just know there has not been that much weight loss but I do feel so much happier when I look in the mirror, some of that could be the exercise I have been doing - gym, aqua and crunches but it might just be that some of it is in the mind and I just feel better and thus look better. I have bought a few new clothes recently and I a convinced I look better in them and that my double chin is looking far less chunky.

So I am very happy to continue with this journey and I know that this needs to be a change for life and not just a short term diet and some weight loss that all might go back on again. I am really not sure how I move my fixation from losing weight to one of getting well. I presume it is just working with God more and undertaking more spiritual activities so I am in tune and awake to his words.

I am getting a tad fed up with myself now, of breaking my abstinence each day and hearing excuses about how much I am mentally adapting and trying and thus it is OK. No Michelle it is not OK, do not use excuses. When I feel the urge to eat and I know it is not true hunger I must pray instead.

Today's Grace in small things

1. My nails are nice and long right now and painted a pretty pink colour (you can always tell how well I am emotionally and spiritually feeling by the state of my nails!)
2. My girls are sleeping really well at the moment, with M going to sleep without the screaming antics
3. I am going to aqua aerobics tonight and I did 120 crunches this morning before getting dressed
4. I am blessed to go to a fab church, full of great people
5. There is nothing planned for this weekend - yay relaxation here we come...

End of week 5 and progress update

Well week 5 ended last Thursday and I was 16st 1lb (seem to be hanging around that area) but still a good loss from where I started and I must remember that this program is not all about weight loss, it is about sorting out my compulsive habits and crazy head. Weight loss comes as an added benefit when I commit to abstinence, which I am sad to say has not happened yet - but I must remember to live one day at a time, as today has been great so far and thus it could be the first day of my abstinence. Not sure I am in the right mind set but all I can do is pray and turn it over to God and ask for his help in this situation.

I am feeling really quite positive. I was driving to work yesterday and I was thinking about all the things I had to look forward to and I am not talking about big and exciting things, just things like meeting a friend at toddler group, going to my ED meeting etc and I realised I am quite content at the moment and really trying to live in the moment - not thinking too far ahead. It is very nice.

When I think back to this time last year I had been at the doctors crying about how I could not cope and felt so down, they had given me prozac, which I refused to take and I just started to pour out my feelings and tell the world (but especially my virtual and real twin mummy friends - thank you special ladies) how I felt. This helped me so much and within a few months I felt like me again and enjoyed being a mummy and wife again. Message for any women reading - you are not superwoman or supermum and do not try to be. One woman can only do so many things in a day and if you try to do more, especially with a hint of perfection then you will fail and end up feeling completely miserable and out of control - take it from an expert! lol

So now I had better get on with some work, a good day awaits me..............

Grace in small things

Well, it has not been the best day in history (bit of a balls up at work!) so to remind myself how lucky I am here is a quick Grace in small things -

1. The sun is shining and the whole world seems a better place when that is happening
2. My MIL is cooking my dinner as I type - yummy sausage casserole
3. I have been good foodwise today, even when feeling down.
4. I only have to live one day at a time, beyond that is too much to think about
5. I am now going to pick up my kids and hubbie and get some great hugs and kisses

I hope to be back tonight, I have loads of stuff I want to say, but the ironing is calling - so maybe not

To weigh or not to weigh?

At work today someone asked me how much weight I had lost as it looked like loads. I was obviously pleased that they said that but also a bit embarrassed and I was trying to put my finger on why I was embarrassed. I think it might be because I have not tried as hard as I could have over the last couple of weeks and thus I feel a bit like a fraud!

I have not weighed since last Thursday and this must be a record for me and I am now wondering whether I should bother weighing as often. It has been quiet a release to not have to weigh and worry if it will be good or bad. I want to get rid of anything in my life that will affect my mood and potentially have me heading for the food - be it is commiserate or celebrate.

So I will ponder on this and see what I decide.

Week 4 update

I forgot to post and update how I did during my 4th week of attending the ED meetings. Perhaps I forgot on purpose as the result was not great. I weighed 16st 2lb on Thursday morning, 3lb up from the week before, I could kid myself that this was because my period had arrived and I was bloated but basically I think I have just eaten too much.

As per the week before, there have been good and bad days but generally I am feeling fairly happy with my progress as I do feel that some head stuff is coming out and my clarity of thought is improving.

For Today: Anger update

I posted the other day about realising my anger and acknowledging it and asking for God to remove it. I feel things have been going fairly well and for that I am so grateful. I was reading my book this morning 'For today' and the topic was anger. Here is what it said -

'God gave me a mind and a spirit, a capacity for love and compassion. Anger destroys those gifts as surely as compulsive overeating destroyed them. Acknowledging my anger is a positive step, but do I see its source as a defect within me? Or do I blame it on something outside myself: what someone said or did, a job, a situation, the weather, anything. When I am angry I am no good to anyone, least of all myself'.

This all really struck cords with me. I was pleased to realise that I do know it is a defect within me and I am no longer prepared to blame anyone else for my problems.

MIA

Just realised I have not blogged for a few days and do not really have the mental energy to do it now but I do miss you!

All is well here, went out last night and got very pissed - great night with dh! and Mum is here today so we have entertained the kids and been to the park, as well as doing lots of gardening jobs - so feel quite satisfied. Will finish the garden tomorrow and perhaps even wash the car.

My meeting was good on Thursday but being my first day of my period I am in pain and my resistance is low. I am actually going out in a minute to buy chocolate and will wake in the morning and try again. One day it will work and I will be abstinent.

Kids are all in a lovely phase at the moment, or it could just be that I am appreciating them more since deciding to hold my anger. M has a big thing about running up to me at the moment and shouting 'uddles' and I get a huge hug. E has discovered pigtails and looks like the prettiest 22 month old ever to live and JJ is just so grown up and such good fun to be around.

Right off to relax with a mag, catch you soon.

Goodbye anger

I had one of those real pinnacle moments on Sunday evening. Dh had gone to church and I was ironing so I decided to watch a programme on C4 called The Unloved. It was about a child going into a care home and their experience there. It started off by showing an abusive father getting really cross with his daughter as she had lost some money. He got incredibly mad and beat his child - it was NOT this part that rang a bell with me. What got me thinking was the wording he used at the beginning, he kept saying 'you are making me angry now' to the child and you could see he was thinking on the problem more and more and getting so wound up.

I can think of a time when I have told JJ you are making me so mad and I have said it in complete anger and sent him to his room. I have not hit him or anything like that but inside I have been so angry that I have hit the sofa or screamed or thrown something. None of those are attractive admissions. Please know, that I do not want to be typing this blog entry - I am sure this is making me look like a right physo cow but seeing as this blog is primarily for me, this is a way of me ensuring that I take steps to tackle my anger and watch how I speak to/ act around my children in the future.

Yesterday M started to cry after she had gone to bed and dh said to me 'that was you stomping down the stairs', he said it in a slightly pissed off manner but nothing too bad. It made me feel bad though as it was not justified, he was just cross. This really got me thinking too of how sometimes the kids do something in error (like hit me or break something or make a massive mess) and I speak to them in a totally non-respectful way, a way I would not speak to an adult stranger. They do say you hurt those most that you love the most!

I have decided that I have to change and not excessively shout any more (I have been reading a book which is about parenting and teaches that if you shout at your kids you just teach them to shout back), and never do anything physical to my kids (like a tap on the hand). I want to build a relationship of mutual respect, love and trust and this is so important to me.

I have realised just how awful my tone has been with my kids sometimes or the outbursts I might have had and it is not acceptable. I will change. My 'for today' book had a reading about how we all sin and we must repent and pass that sin to God and he will heal us and take away our character defects.

So Lord, I am so sorry for every injustice I have ever done towards my children and I pray that you will take away my anger and increase my patience and love. Fill me with the Holy Spirit. Amen

For today - I am the best I can be...

One of the important lessons I am learning from attending my ED meetings are that we have to live each day, one day at a time. Life gets so tied up with planning and trying to be someone or something different in the future that we can get lost along the way.

Over the last few days I have really felt that I am doing just that, living for the day. When I make a mistake I am able to say 'oh well, that was then, right now is different and I will not make that mistake again but I will stay positive and get on with the day, rather than allowing it to bug me'. I remember a friend used to have the moto 'seize the day' and I never really got it - but now I do!

So really what I have grasped is that all God asks of me is to be the best person I can be on that day. It is what we say to children all the time 'as long as you tried your hardest that is great'. How liberating to know that same rule applies to me too, as I am also someone's child.

Reflective Sunday

First off, I just have to say that I weighed this morning, I know I should not have but the scales glady said 15st 13lb and that means I am down into that next bracket. From a start weight of 17st 10lb it feels good to know that my walk with God is working. Lets see what those scales say on Thursday. I am finding it hard to know whether I should be weighing though as the main purpose of my group and programme is to free me from obsessive eating and weighing forms a part of that but for me to lose the weight and become more healthy is two pronged with sorting my head out and passing good eating habits onto my kids. They always say I should do what is right for me and this feels right - so for now I will weigh once per week, perhaps until I am confident to move it to once per month and then chuck out the scales long term!

I have been doing lots of thinking, pondering and reflecting over the last few weeks. Here are some of my thoughts -

Things to be thankful to God for -

• I have found my excellent ED support group and am learning about the steps I have to take to truly know myself and overcome my illness
• I have learnt that all I have to focus on is one day at a time
• I went to a fete yesterday and bought the kids a small cake each and it did not even occur to me to have one. I know this will seem insignificant to some, but to someone like me who has a complete preoccupation with food it was amazing
• Chocolate was in my mouth yesterday before I even realised (I am not pleased about this! lol), what I am thankful for is that I realised that quickly and forgave myself for breaking abstinence and just decided that my day would start from after that, as all I have to worry about is the one day at a time
• My literature that supports the programme has arrive and reading some of it, it is so motivational for me - yay

Mistakes to avoid for the future -

• Forgetting to pray or think before any food goes in my mouth or I can end up eating for the sake of it
• Thinking that I can cope without my eating plan
• Thinking that I am in control and that I can just have some chocolate and then be OK! ha
• weighing myself too much

In the bin Daddy! lmao

Dh was going out earlier and we searched everywhere for this phone (this is one of the things with baby twins - they are great at squirreling things away) but to no avail.

When he came back later the girls where up from their nap and knowing that M is the more menacing he asked her where his phone was. Quite serioulsy she replied 'Bin Daddy'. Off we went to have a look and low and behold there it was. Very luck that she remembered after putting it there about 6 hours ago.

Dh then said to her 'Just like your Mummy, if you see something lying around and you tidy it up. Except you are more strict and it goes in the bin!'. I was laughing my socks off! It is quite an awakening when people acknowledge your quirky traits out loud.

Grace in small things for today

I feel so grateful, that I just must post before I go out. So today's 5 grace in small things are -

1. I have gone blogtastic and really enjoyed posting and updating ysterday and today
2. I am abstinant today and so grateful for Gods help
3. Dh has been off the last two days and it is always helpful to have that extra pair of hands around - can you imagine how much easier a walk to school gets without 2 x 22 month olds?
4. I am now off to toddler group and about to really enjoy some time with my girls
5. Only 1 week until I see my parents again and go to a wedding with dh - should be fun!

Being a twin...

Being a twin is a fab thing!

Here are some of the reasons why being a twin must be great, as observed by me -

1. someone to wipe your nose for you (yes they grab tissues and do each others noses)
2. someone to kiss you or stroke you when you cry
3. someone to always play with (or fight!)
4. when you do not fancy sleeping, there is someone to giggle with in your bedroom
5. a double size wardrobe - you always have something to wear!
6. you never get lonely in the buggy
7. everyone wants to chat to you in your buggy and tell you how cute you are, as there are two of you
8. someone who will share their food with you
9. if you do not fancy speaking, there is someone who will answer for you

I am sure there are many more, it is so lovely to watch them interacting and growing together. being a twin is a very special thing - I hope they will be good friends forever.

I am a butterfly, well caterpillar at the moment! lol

I heard a really good analogy last night which has got me thinking.

The lady talked of the Caterpillar becoming a butterfly. It builds it's cocoon and hides inside and reforms, the beautiful wings grow and then it has to really struggle to break it's way out of the cocoon. I never knew that it is really important for the butterfly to undergo this painful and difficult process as it is this struggle that strengthens their wings and helps them break free with the ability to fly. If someone thought they were being kind and cut them out of the cocoon they would never be able to fly and would just die.

This can definitely be applied to my life. Overcoming my overeating will be a major struggle but at the end of it I will be stronger and will of learnt to rely completely on God and hopefully I can fly. If someone else was to give me an easy fix (any diet, surgery, miracle weight loss cure), I would still have all the same emotional issues which would lead to me becoming fat and unhappy again. This is why diets do not work for so many people, they actually need to tackle the root cause of the problem and not the symptom.

Can you relate to this?

Mental Mind

I went to my meeting last night and was so clear on what I wanted to say on here - I really must try and get on here on a Thursday night when I return, because now after a good sleep and having the 2 little girls hanging around me it is a bit harder to focus on what I want to say.

Firstly I realised last night that I must again, start planning my food the night before and making sure that I stick to that plan. The logic is that I only can only eat what is on the plan and thus it takes away the constant preoccupation with food all day. It is what I did that first week when I lost 4lb and was abstinent from my trigger foods. So here I am this morning feeling pretty motivated. I prayed this morning and I must remember to keep doing so throughout today. I have my food planned and I really WANT to stick to it but it is through Gods will rather than my own as this illness is bigger than me. I wonder if that amazes anyone reading this to think that overeating is an illness?

I also checked back and I have been 16st 1lb for the last couple of weeks, so I have not put on as I thought I had yesterday - I have stayed the same. Certainly my clothes feel a bit better and my belt is a notch down. I am still regularly exercising and even on days when I feel as if I am doing pretty bad I am at least still very conscious of the fact that I am aiming to recover and that I have a long battle ahead, so my bad days at the moment pale in comparison to a few months back. My loss from my weight prior to having the girls is approximately 1.5 stone, so there is still that to celebrate. I would really love to be in the 15 stones by next weeks weigh in on Thursday, I think that would just be a boast to get away from this sticking point of 16st.

A week of kidding myself! end of week 3

I got on the scales this morning and they said 16st 1lb so slightly more than I was and I was grateful not to have put on - that tells you that I have not been great this week. In fact I think I have have just kid myself all week that I have been trying. I have had indian take away, chicken kebab, chocloate, biscuits, cakes.................... need I go on?

So I am very pleased to go to my ED meeting tonight and share with others and I pray that I will come home more motivated and able to control myself or at least rely on God to help me. Step 1 is going well, in fact I may be ready to progress to step 2 - I do believe that I have a problem and am powerless over food, now I have to believe that God can cure this problem for me and start to rely on him more.

The battle (that is exactly how it feels!) continues.............

Are you in prison?

I was reading my bible the other morning (can you believe it - I have now finally finished and can say I have read the bible cover to cover - still know nothing much about it but at least I have done it once - I will do it again!) and I came across a devotional from Max Lucado which really got me thinking.

Entitled the prison of want -
Luke 16:13 'You cannot serve both God and worldly riches'. Are you in prison? You are if you feel better when you have more and worse when you have less. You are if joy is one delivery away, one transfer away, one award away, or one makeover away. if your happiness comes from something you deposit, drive, drink or digest, then face it - you are in prison, the prison of want. That's the bad news. The good news is, you have a visitor. And your visitor has a message that can get you paroled. Make your way to the receiving room. Take your seat in the chair, and look across the table at the palmist David. He motions for you to lean forward 'I have a secret to tell you', he whispers 'the secret of satisfaction. 'The Lord is my shepherd; I have everything I need' (Psalm 23:1).

I am in prison, much less than I used to be. I am pleased to say that my wants in life have subsided but I am still guilty of wanting that next thing - the extension, the garage conversion, the second car etc etc. This really got me thinking though, I am so lucky and I have so much but what I should be focusing on is the wonderful life ahead of me. Living each day one day at a time and really enjoying it and making the most of it. I must stop planning so much and just trying to enjoy myself and my precious family.

Week 2 update

Well I have been a busy lady and have neglected to update my blog for a few days. I had Mum staying and then went back with her to see Dad for the weekend. I have had a lovely time with them and we got loads done at my home - cleaning, washing curtains, scrubbing windows, doing the garden etc etc

Last Thursday was my 2 week weigh in and I have to report that I lost no weight! but I am fine with that (really) as I do feel I am making some progress in regards to sorting my head out. My ED meetings have been going well, I am enjoying the fellowship and sharing, as well as the dedicated time to think about myself and not feel selfish. I am working step 1 at the moment and am being very honest with myself.

I am having good days and not so good days, but no real BAD days. There have been no major binges and no completely self destructive behaviour but I have succumbed to chocolate and other nice things.

I am feeling really good today, having been and done some aqua aerobics in my lunch break. My clothes definitely feel looser and I feel more confident and dare I say it, sexy - watch out dh!

Grace in small things

Just been reminded by a friend that I have not done one of these for a while and seeing as I am writing so much miserable stuff at the moment I felt I ought to really count my blessings and write something poitive.

So here is todays grace in small things -

1. I walked back from town to home today (it took about 50 mins) and I felt very good for the exercise and bumped into a good friend who I keep missing
2. A super friend has offered me a mobile phone as mine has broken
3. My Mum has been staying for the last week and we have done so many jobs around the house - my to do list has at least halved!
4. My girls went out for lunch and dinner today and bahaved so well both times - I am really proud of them
5. My big boy has a new boy in his class and he tells me he is making an effort to talk to him and ask him to play - we have read a book recently about the golden rule - Do unto others as you would like done to yourself and the story is about a new girl at school and how left out she feels. It is so nice to see JJ taking on board the advice himself and trying to be friendly

That is it for today.................catch you soon

Emotionally exhausted

What a day! and it is not over yet...............still the bath and bedtime routine to get through. I do hope that blonde daughter behaves tonight and goes off to sleep nicely rather than screaming the house down and making herself sick like she did last night.

Who knows why today has felt so bad? Work was fine, I got lots done and then I had a nice relax and watched an hour orfTV and even got a few PTA bits/ ebays listings done. That is when it started to go belly up as I had not left myself enough time to get the girls ready to collect JJ from school and the pushchair broke. I got in such a paddy - it is funny now I have a quiet few minutes and think about it (kids currently in the garden causing havoc - I love this weather!). I threw a spanner at the floor in anger. I really needed anger management at that point. I then proceeded to eat a packet of crsips and a chocolate mini roll - as if that would help me, but my warped mind said that yet again food was the answer.

I had all these jobs in my mind that I wanted to get done today and hardly any of them have been achieved and this makes me feel down but I know that I plan for too much and thus set myself up to fail. Perhaps I will get something done once the kids are in bed or maybe I should just stop myself and remember that I am supposed to value myself for who I am and not what I do.

Devil on my shoulder

Well the last few days have not been great. Foodwise they have been a real struggle. My Mum has been here staying with me and that is great, we have a lovely time together but I think it also lessens my resistance, having someone else around to eat with - not that she has the same issues as me, she is 5 stone lighter for a start.

Last night dh suggested I was in denial as I was choosing to have some chocolate and now thinking back on it, he may well be right. Last night I felt I was in control and I had just made a conscious decision to have some chocolate and that it would be fine. I thought that because I was not feeling hurt/ angry/ lonely/ worried or any other type of negative emotion that it was OK to have it. I now just think the devil was tapping away at me and helping me to be naughty. Slowly over the last few days I have had more and more naughty things (things I have no control over).

Yesterday I ate - weetabix and milk for breakfast, roast pork in a roll for lunch. All fine to here, then things went to pot! Piece of coffee cake, 2 choc chip cookies, 1 chocolate mini roll, 1 tiny brownie, few chipstick crisps, packet of chocolate, half tub Ben and Jerrys ice cream and a beef roast dinner with yorkshires. Oh what a day!

I have prayed hard this morning and I will endeavour to pray throughout the day to ensure that I do not have such a rubbish day again. No one said this abstinence and getting my eating in order would be easy - did they?

Onwards and upwards, feeling positive at the moment, sitting at 16 stone right now, so really hope that by my Thursday weigh in, I will be down in the 15's and back at a weight I have not been at since 2006.

I fixed your paper Daddy.

This morning dh and I came downstairs and JJ was already there. A picked up his paper and asked why it was on the floor, JJ explained that he had fixed Daddy's paper as it had fallen apart. A and I were in stitches when we realised that JJ had stapled his newspaper together (to the point that you can not read the middle third!) as it had fallen on the floor and gone everywhere. JJ did not realise that papers do this, he is just used to comics - so he thought he was being really helpful.

He gave me a wonderful laugh this morning, he was so serious about it all.

Just eaten chocolate

Could not think of anything better to entitle this post, but wanted to write this down so I can remember how I feel and hopefully stop myself next time.

About 20 mins ago I had a cuppa and realised how nice to would be with some chocolate. Now there is not much in my house at the moment, for obvious reasons! but there was some of the kids smarties, so I have just eaten a tube of smarties - fairly quickly and hardly even tasted them and certainly not really enjoyed them! whoops

I have done 7 good days of abstinence from chocolate and blown it but I am not going to let that get me down and affect my state of mind as that will be disruptive and pointless. I will put it behind me and start again right now.

Realisation - eating will be a conscious effort for the rest of my life...

I realised this morning that I will need to be aware for evermore of what I am eating. Everything will be a choice - do I eat it or abstain? That will be quite a big thing in my life, how bizzare that something as wonderful as food can become an addiction - a type of drug that has to be controlled and avoided at times.

I was making the girls toast and I wondered whether to pop myself a slice in as well - the logic being there was 2 slots in the toaster and thus 2 pieces were necessary. I then stopped myself and thought was I eating for habit or was I actually hungry? I decided no I was not hungry and I did not need the toast. The girls ate theirs and I did not miss it one bit. Another moment where I am proud of myself.

Woe is me

I was listening to someone the other day talking about how they had an argument with their Mum and it was unlikely they would ever speak again. This person talked about how she instantly felt as if she was an orphan and no-one loved her, she was all alone in the world and all sorts of things like that. In her words the self-pity had kicked in. Luckily her rational brain then said no, you have this, that and the other.

This really got me thinking and I could relate to everything she had said. If something happens I am fairly likely to go into overdrive and my imagination runs away with itself and by the end something that was quite small turns into a major drama. This is not a character trait I like and definitely one I have tried to work on over the years, but something happened the other day which again made me start to worry so I will need to be aware that while I am going through this journey to sort out my eating that I am perhaps more vulnerable to negative thoughts.

One of my fears as a younger person was that people did not really like me and found me a pest and did not want me around, I sort of go to grips with this - well to the extent that some of my friends have now been around for 18 odd years and my dh has been around for about 15 years. However I now have the fear that my boy JJ is the one who is not so liked and that his little friends would rather have someone else round for tea etc - it breaks my heart but I must just offer it up in prayer and hand it over tot he Lord for my worry can not help JJ at all.