Saturday, 6 June 2009

Feeling confused!

I am doing pretty darn well at the moment. I have been praying lots, reading my literature and calling dh if I need to talk - all to stop me compulsively eating. I have not been perfect but I have been so much better and seeing as my ED meeting teaches me to 'go easy on myself' I am feeling good too.

I am still too focused on losing weight rather than sorting out my compulsive behaviour. Do not get me wrong, I do want to sort that out but for me, at the moment it is secondary. I have been worrying about this but a friend at ED the other night told me to give myself space and time and not to try and force things on myself. Everything is in God's time and not mine and it will come if I let it. This was very comforting to me.

So Thursday I was abstinent, yesterday not so great and today so far (thank you Lord) I have been abstinent. One day at a time - I will keep striving for wellness and wholeness and with this will come the weight loss that I so long for..... and also hopefully the 'normal' eating behaviour that will teach my kids the right way to be around food, rather than them grow up obsessed with food like I am.

I am struggling to get my thoughts in order at the moment to make a decision of what is right for me. Abstinence as defined by ED is 'refraining from compulsive overeating'. This keeps it nice and simple and then everyone has their own plan of eating that they work to achieve this goal. Many people seem to give up sugar, white flour and anything made with those two, others give up fats, fried foods, caffeine. I find the thought of living without these things horrifying! At the moment I truly do not believe that I need to give up white flour - it is not a trigger food for me.

I have learnt that whatever plan I make is OK as long as my behaviour is not compulsive. I must wait and pray and see what the Lord reveals to me. Perhaps I am being naive at the moment and I will need to give up all sugar and white flour etc. For now I will be content to stay away from chocolate, cakes, biscuits and butter - as those are the things that I know create problems and I just want excessive portions of.

I love having this blog, it is so therapeutic to get my thoughts down and to feel a little more relived of the great weights that I carry around in my mind.

Off to read some literature now and make the most of my little ladies having a snooze.

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