Sunday 31 January 2010

Wishing the week away!

I know I should not and I am so pleased I caught myself doing it earlier and I am now posting this as a reminder to myself to stop projecting and thinking ahead too much. I was sat in Church waiting for the service to start when I started thinking 'oh I wish it was next week and then loads of stuff will be out of the way'.

This is completely stupid as logically I know this week will be fine but I am feeling a bit apprehensive. Shall I share with you my apprehensions? I think I will as it will put them in perspective and remind me there is nothing to fear. I just need to remain positive, pray and trust in God. He will make things as they should be. Stop being so willful Mich !

Tomorrow at work I am on an internal panel, it is the first academic interviews I have sat on and I am stressing about questions. Shall I remind myself how needless this is? For 5 years I managed a recruitment agency and every day I interviewed people and found them jobs, I was well respected and earned a lot of money as I was good at my job! Just because it is not something I have done for a while does not mean I have deteriorated at it. The last person I interviewed and employed is diamond and still works for me.

Tuesday I need to leave work early so that I can look after the kids as dh is off to a conference in Birmingham. I am stressing that work will be pissed off with me for leaving early as I was off sick for 1.5 days last week. Totally not related and we work flexitime, so again there is nothing for me to fear.

Then dh is away 2 nights and this means I need to get the 3 kids ready to leave the house for 7.30am on Wednesday morning to get to work. Now no offense babe if you are reading this, I do appreciate your help on my work mornings but we both know I could do it alone so again - why is it worrying me?

If I allow my scatty brain to get the better of me I could then start stressing about whether I should go to the gym before work on Tuesday morning or if I should go into work early and make up those 2 hours I will be off in the afternoon. Decisions, decisions... My sensible head says that because I am interviewing Monday ad can not do my aqua class then I must go to the gym in the morning and get my dose of exercise. My needs are important too.

Then my last worry, which I think is the one which is creating the rest of this crap is that I am organising and running a quiz night at JJ's school on Friday night. We have 115 people coming and 17 teams. I have never run a quiz night before and I am worrying about the babysitting getting her eon time, dh getting back form work to help me, the level of the questions, the food arriving on time, there being enough drink, remembering to organise everything, getting enough tables in the hall to hold everyone, the PA equipment working etc etc My spiritual gifts are administration and organisation, so I should not even be having this stress. My plans have been done for months. Many of the PTA poo pooed a quiz night and said it would not work, I knew it would and had faith and now we are on track for about £500 made for the school.

So that is what I need now, a good dose of faith please Lord. Help me put these stupid worries to bed and to hand them all over to you. I will play my part and diligently work to organise as best I can. The rest is your business. Amen

Saturday 30 January 2010

Today, I have mostly been saying...

'Who wants a wee wee?' in this high pitched sing song voice!

I must of said it at least 24 times in the last 12 hours (about every half hour to be precise) and the amount of potties I have emptied, well that is nobodies business. Potty training (PT) two at a time is bad enough. Can you imagine having quads or sextuplets and PTing all of them???

It has not been a bad day today in regards to the PTing. Peppa Pig has taken a battering though with 2 wet pairs from Miss E and 1 pooey pair from Miss M. Wet I can take, pooed pants is just, well gross! We did go out for lunch though and then did some shopping and that was when the accidents happened, I think sometimes it is just too exciting when out and about to go for a boring wee wee!

I am not entirely sure which way to play it though and to tell them off for doing it in their pants or to do the oh well (Mummy can cope) type voice and just change them no fuss. I suppose I will go with the oh well approach for a while as this is only their 4th day of being in pants all day and it is not as if I have altered life and got them to stay home and master it. We are still out and about doing stuff.

So wish us luck, tomorrow is another day and hopefully all number 1's and 2's will be on the potty or toilet tomorrow!

For today...

....I am living in the day.

I am not stressing about yesterday or worrying what tomorrow will hold or not. I am not planning every moment of my life. I am enjoying the right here and right now. At the moment Miss M is stood behind me on the chair and hugging my neck, her hands are cold playing with my necklace and her little chubby body is all warm, she is saying 'hayo (hello) Mummy, lube (love) you' and boy do I love her back.

I am abstinent right now, there is no food fog to try and see out of. I can think straight and I can be whoever I want to be and today I am Happy Mummy!

Thursday 28 January 2010

Potty Training - yay!

Well I did not think I would be posting about successful potty training in the middle of our cold winter! After the failed attempt with Miss M in October I assumed I would leave things until Spring and the better weather but like always my girls have their own ideas!

Over Xmas and the snow we stayed in lots and the girls just got used to using their potty's and sorting themselves out. So when nursery told me two weeks ago that they had been using the potty and toilet I was not surprised. Nursery suggested they would like them out of nappies as soon as I was ready. errr never! So off they went to nursery with their knickers and from 8am - 5.15pm Miss M had no accidents and Miss E just got a bit wet as she attempted to use the potty. The Wednesday morning there were no accidents and this week Monday they were both dry and clean from 8am - bedtime with no nappies and no accidents. Yay we are getting somewhere.

Like with everything they are chalk and cheese, Miss E likes the potty and Miss M wants to be a big girl and use the toilet. E has no interest in hand washing and M has an overactive interest (read soap everywhere and covered in water!).

So when I collected them from nursery at 1pm on Weds and there had been no accidents, I decided I could not stall their development any more and Mummy just had to be a big girl and accept they were ready. We drove to the the shops, shopped, collected JJ from school and went to Wild Wednesday (a church based club) and back home to see Daddy - all with no accidents. Well done my big girls!

Any tips for those of you having to embark on this soon? not really, just what I always say. Trust your mummy instincts, you know best for your little one. Read a book if it makes you feel better and give their method a go but if something does not sit right with you - adapt it. Do not worry, stay calm and stress free and your kiddies will follow. For about the last 4 months my girls have been between knickers, pull ups and nappies and it has not confused them or scared them like many authors warn.

Just go with the flow......

Wednesday 27 January 2010

I'm not just fat, I have a problem...

That's right I am fat, I am very overweight.

Currently I am about 15 1/2 stone (I say about as I have no scales at the moment but the belt notch feels about that weight!). At one point I was what they classed as 'morbidly obese' but I am about 2 stone lighter than that now, so I am probably 'very obese'. One day with the grace of God I hope to be just purely overweight. I have no secret longing to be a size 10, I just want to be a healthy weight, a good role model to my kids and living a full life without a crazy obsession with food and weight.

You see that is what my problem is, I am an addict. I do have a very real addiction to food and also to the comfort and release that eating, stuffing my face and stifling my emotions gives. Every day I obsess on food - where my next meal will come from, what will it look like, will it fill me up, how many calories are in it, does it add to my 5 a day etc etc.

It really is not as simple as joining a weight loss club and just losing some weight. People like me who have lost stones and then regained them numerous times in their lives have a problem. A problem which keeps drawing us back to the food. Every time we move away from the day to day feeling of normal life, be it that we have a high or a low we want to celebrate or commiserate with food. So I vow now never to fool myself again and to start a diet, that I just will not keep to.

I expect some people may read this and laugh and wonder what I am on about. Food an addiction? Yes, in exactly the same way as drugs, alcohol, sex, self-harm, shopping, spending, love, soaps on the TV, trash mags or anything else can be. Most of us have some kind of prop in life - mine is food. Some would say it is far less harmful than drugs, at least I won't kill myself - but won't I? What about heart disease, diabetes, arthritis, to name but a few.

It really does take some time to admit to yourself and be ready to say 'Hi my name is Michelle and I am an addict, a compulsive overeater'. I was going to say it is not something I am proud of but actually the fact that I am being brave enough to face up and take this journey does make me proud. For the last 6 weeks or so I have lost the plot, I have rejected most things recommended by the program of addiction recovery that I am following. From this moment on I am back on track and I pray for God to help me, it is through Him that this will work. You do not have to be a Christian like me for this program to work for you, you just need to believe that you are out of control and that there is a stronger being/ higher power in the Universe. For me this is God, for you it might mother nature, Buddha, or your recovery fellowship.

I do get incredibly fed up with the stereotype of a fat lazy person and I want people to see the real me inside, that thin person struggling to get out. Rather than seeing the fat first and the person second. I suppose that is our culture today so much based on image and looks, how can I blame anyone for thinking that I have let myself go and that I am slowly killing myself by being too lazy to get up off my bum and do some exercise.

So here are a few truths which may set the record a bit straighter -
  • I do at times eat too much, I have been known to binge but generally my eating is getting better.
  • I adore food and just love new tastes and the excitement that comes with knowing I am going out for a nice meal. You see that is the addict in me, food = love and stability and happiness.
  • I run around after three kiddies when I am not at work. I have ants in my pants and rarely sit down - always doing something - housework, ironing, gardening, out to shop etc
  • I exercise a couple of times per week, I go to the gym or aqua or swim and I enjoy it (once I am there!)
So that is my 'fat story' so be continued

This post was written in reposen to writing workshop number 11. Prompt two asked - What do people always wrongly assume about you?

Wordless Wednesday

Trying to get to Grandad.....

Tuesday 26 January 2010

Shiny Happy People Meme

I think Miss M and truly had enough of Miss E's chatter that day!

I am such a sucker for twins now, I love seeing piccies of two little people together!
Look at their joy!

and this...... is my little man JJ and yes, sorry babe you are wearing a dress and a pink hat! lmao. I used to sell second hand clothes and thus he got dressed up!

I have been tagged for another meme (yay), the super Claire at The Life of the 20 Something Mum has asked this new girl to have a go at Rose Scribble's Shiny Happy people Meme. The rules of this meme are -

Name a song that makes you happy - a song you would listen to if you needed a sudden injection of happiness.

Post an image that makes you smile, it can be anything - a silly photo, an image taken from the internet, anything at all that puts a smile on your face (and isn't too rude!)

So, I have had another chance to trawl through all my photos and think about some that make me really happy. My first thought was a piccie of JJ and then ones of the girls came to mind, so I have posted a few images of the kids that really make me smile. (I really am such a Mummy now, the first thought = the kids!). Disclaimer: I know that pictures of my kids is the obvious choice and not the most witty or clever response but I never claimed to be any good at this blogging lark, I just enjoy being a mum and having a chance to share.

As for the song, it is a Christian one but a funky worship song. If you have not listened to modern Christian worship music before - give it a go and even if you hate the song Tim Hughes so so yummy to look at (yes, I do have a 'not so secret' crush on him and yes dh is aware!) Go on then, leave me a comment - what do you think? dishy or not? I think it is his voice, those dimples and the idea of him as a lovely Christian Daddy and husband..

I done it again and forgot to tag people! doh -

So a new blog I just found, a fellow twin mummy, Careyannie
and Mellow Mummy, whose blog I have been enjoying

Sunday 24 January 2010

We don't do elegant........... but we have fun!

So after giving Miss M the love she was after (sounds a bit perv - doesn't it?, a cuddle and kiss just to clarify!) JJ announced that he really wanted to bake some cakes. So I thought why not, what else should someone who has a real problem with sweet foods do but cook some cakes on a Sunday afternoon!

We all enjoyed ourselves, the house was a mess afterwards but they did taste yummy! and soon I will sit down and watch Slumdog millionaire and enjoy the fruits of my labour.

I have linked this post up to Naturestores fab messy play carnival. Pop over and see all the other wonderful entries. Mich x
play academy

Time to get off the PC...

I have not been on here long so far today, about 20 minutes but I have let dh go out as he was feeling pretty down so I knew a trip to a great Church in London would cheer him up. This leaves me here alone, feeling a bit poo with the kids. I thought I would have a quick catch up with the blogging world and a little lady (Miss M) has just come and crept onto my lap, wrapped her arms around me and announced 'Love me'. How can I refuse? I am off to play Fisher Price!!

Catch you later when the tiny people are in bed.

Saturday 23 January 2010

Songs and Stories Meme

Another meme (I love them - are you fed up with them yet?), this one is to try and identify a song which tells a story for me, one that takes me back in time to a certain place. I was tagged by Sandy at Baby Baby for this meme which originated from Fraught Mummy. Have I mentioned Sandy's blog before? It is one of the earlier ones that I found and it is excellent, I really like her style - very honest and fully inclusive.

This was not an easy meme for me, as I mentioned the other day I am not really an objects person. Much more so that I rely on my memories and songs always form a big part of those. So when faced with choosing just one song it has taken me days to think about this - literally!

I have literally taken another walk through my life the last few days thinking of all different songs. Here is a brief summary -
  • Adam and the Ants, Stand and deliver - my first record purchase
  • Wham, Bad Boys - in my friend Mandy's bedroom dreaming of meeting George Michael!
  • Pet Shop Boys, West End Girls, age 14 hanging out with the girls who lived in West End! lol We thought that was so cool, a song about their village!
  • Sister Sledge, We are Family - with all my best girl friends at Uni
  • Bon Jovi, I will always love you - the first time my heart was seriously broken
  • Otis Redding, Sitting on the Dock of the Bay - 1994/5 - listening to this in the dark at night, cuddling my boyfriend (now dh) after a very long hard day working in a hotel
  • Tina Turner, Simply the Best - my karaoke song. I adore singing!
  • Will Smith, Men in Black - a fab Holiday to Spain with dh in the early days
  • Eric Clapton, You look wonderful tonight - the first song at our wedding, sang to me by dh as we danced
  • John Lennon, Beautiful Boy - for my baby JJ, born 2003
  • and I can not think of a tune for my girls - I will have to ponder on that
So after lots of thinking the song I decided to choose is Cliff Richard's Living Doll. This is another song played at my wedding and danced to by my Dad and I. As a small kid we always had music on a Sunday night and we danced together and this is a song that symbolises my Dad and me. I have a wonderful relationship with my parents and I am very lucky to have them. I think it goes without saying that many women have a great relationship with their Mum and are close but I am lucky enough to also be really close to my Dad. As a child I was often referred to as Doll, Doll Doll, or Dolly and now my Miss M get called the same and as she has been told it was my childhood name she also calls me Doll Doll sometimes - very cute.

Thursday 21 January 2010

My Object Meme

I was tagged a few days ago by Young Mummy (my first tag, how exciting is that!) to join in with the my object meme. This was started by The Dotterel (Bringing up Charlie) as a response to the BBC's new programme The History of the World.

So, the idea is that I pick a single object that tells the story of me or my family in some way. It can be anything: a ring, a piece of clothing, an old teddy; anything as long as it says something special about me or my family.

I have been thinking long and hard on this and not having much joy. What I have learnt is that I am not much of a possessions person, I have hardly anything that I have kept for years and years and has special meaning. A few pieces of jewellery, a million photos, oh and a husband too ;)! I am much more into memories, places, songs and people, than things.

I thought to myself 'if there was a fire - what would I save?' and not much comes to mind - just those photos again and the really special jewellery, which I tend to normally be wearing anyway. I nearly ended up taking a photo of my camera and video camera as they are the key to my treasures but I figured that would just be sad!

In the end I thought I would share with you a picture drawn by a special little girl, Miss B. She was just 5 when she drew it and it is a picture of my twinnies, I love how they are holding hands and hope they will always be such good friends.

Wednesday 20 January 2010

Wordless Wednesday

18+5 weeks PG

28+5 weeks PG

31+5 weeks PG

33+1 weeks PG

The end is near..... 36+5 weeks PG!

A twin pregnancy journey. Boy - do I never want to be that big again!!

Tuesday 19 January 2010

If only I could bottle it.

I was driving to work this morning and thinking about how yummy my kids are at the moment. Specifically I was thinking about the chatting that Miss M and Miss E do now. Their speech is coming on leaps and bounds and they can really have a chat now. I picked them up from nursery yesterday and rather than asking the staff if they slept in the day I asked them and it amazed me that they could give me a good description of what had gone on in the day.

Miss E calls me darling. Have I mentioned that before? I adore it. It is something she started a few months ago, mimicking me and now I even ask her to call me it as it just melts me. She has this funny little voice and sounds Mediterranean, yesterday I was even 'my darling'. I really hope I am always her darling.

It is that special feeling of wonder and amazement that you get when your children do something for the first time. You know, your heart swells, life feels just a little lighter and you give them a big bear hug........ that is what I want to bottle. I felt a little sad this morning that my girls were growing up and soon their speech would be non stop and would probably annoy the h*** out of me and I would not get to stop and look on in awe as they chatter away together. That is the beauty of twins, everything that a small child does as they grow is exaggerated and you get to watch it happening in stereo.

I realise I must not be sad as every age has something special for you to learn and go through with your child. I think it is just far easier to notice their development when they are little like my twinnies but not so easy to see their emotional or spiritual development when they are bigger like JJ. I must remember to take time to reflect on the kids more and to enjoy those special moments that pass so quickly. In the car earlier I listened to Snow Patrol and Chasing cars and that line 'if I just lay here' struck me and yes that is what I need to do sometimes, stop and pause..

Monday 18 January 2010

18 Jan - Worst day of the year?

I was listening to Heart radio on the way to work this morning and Jamie Theakson said that 18 Jan is reported to be the worst day of the year - what with the aftermath of Xmas, debt, weather etc etc and I was just sat there thinking 'not for me!'. I feel good today!

I thought I would just do a little update on my personal recovery journey, as I think I have been being a bit of an ostrich just recently and burying my head in the sand. Not really sure when the last time I blogged about my food obsession was!

The year started well and I was abstinent for the first 2 days of Jan and then things slipped, I was being lazy and I think the devil got the better of me and I just started to eat what I fancied and when. I know I have had too much food, not completely excessive amounts but far more than a moderate and healthful diet needs and I have also been eating my trigger foods such as chocolate and biscuits.

I got a kick up the bum when my food sponsor emailed me last week and asked if I still wanted her to continue as I was being lazy and trying to work my own way round the program (my words not hers) rather than just following the simple guidelines of abstinence and 301. This was a shock to the system, I really admire my food sponsor and value her input so this made me think about what I was up to. I have spent the last week or so in thought and prayer and come back to that same conclusion again that nothing really is as important to me as recovering. It is the key to living a normal life and helping my kids grow up to be rounded too. To diet and obsess all my life is just not helpful. So yes I feel I probably have gained some weight in the last couple of weeks - no idea how much as I have no scales now! but my clothes still do up, so that is a good sign.

Yesterday was a wonderful day, I spent an hour in bed in the morning praying and reading and I did some of my steps workbook. I am currently working through step 3 which is turning my will over to God and following His will instead. I am finding this hard but do know it is necessary so I am praying for willingness. I went to Church in the morning and evening and spent some lovely time playing with my kids and dh cooked us a roast, he even cleared up afterwards while I was out - little things make such a difference to me and make me feel more in love. I am such a woman, my love language is definitely that of 'acts of service'. Have you ever heard of the 5 love languages? It is an interesting topic.

So I am committed to finding myself a proper sponsor to take me through the steps and hold me accountable. I will start to attend another ED meeting in March and onwards so I can find someone suitable and maybe someone will show up to the workshop at the end of Feb.

I will call my food sponsor tomorrow lunchtime and talk through with her and ask her to continue and we will set some guidelines so I am accountable rather than just 'flying by the seat of my pants!'.

I also commit to start reaching out and calling ED friends and asking for help when I need it, I know it is what could make the difference and I must choose to do it.

So there you go, this is where I am right now. Feeling good, currently abstinent and looking forward to a night out with some girlfriends tonight.

Sunday 17 January 2010

Bloggers Haiti Appeal

The blogging community is coming together to make a donation to buy some shelterboxes for the affected people in Haiti. Isn't that wonderful! I love to hear of good human nature winning over and people coming together to do something selfless. Unfortunately I won't be able to make a contribution to this worthy appeal as dh and I have already made a substantial contribution to the aid supplies in Haiti via Compassion, and I would urge you to make a donation, it does not matter where (as long as you know it to be a trustworthy charity!) but just help how you can and if you cannot financially donate then please pray.

Here is the link for the bloggers for Haiti just giving page, this has been running about 24 hours and already there is in excess of £1300 donated. A superb effort and well done to EnglishMum and the other bloggers who created the page and had this great idea.

I am so sad about the situation in Haiti and feel completely powerless, all I can do is pray and make a monetary contribution. Our family sponsors a child in Haiti (through Compassion - hence the instant donation when this happened) and we write to him and pray for him and his family. Carl Henri lives only 4km from the centre of the capital so it is pretty sure that he will have been affected by this disaster in some way. At the top is a couple of pictures of Carl Henri, the one on the left is when we started to sponsor him 4 years ago and the one on the right is the one we last received from him a couple of months ago. Each month we have a standing order and our £21 is very well spent ensuring that Carl Henri can attend a church based community project and develop spiritually, emotionally, physically and emotionally. Why don't you check out Compassion and see if you might like to sponsor a child, it is a fab way for us to teach our own children how privileged and lucky they are. JJ enjoys writing to Carl Henri and drawing him pictures and it is always nice to hear that our birthday or Christmas additional gift has bought him a Pig, football or pair of shoes.

Saturday 16 January 2010

Blog Comments - respond or not?

One question -

Do you respond to the comments left on your blog? What is the done thing?

I know I feel 'left out' or 'like the little kids still in the playground' when I see that others have been responded to and not me but then quite often I am commenting on blogs with 20 - 40 comments and I can not a) ever imagine getting that many comments or b) imagine having enough time to respond to everyone.

The best people to respond so far seem to be those with very busy blogs.

I am trying to respond to those who comment as I really appreciate their input and it is very nice to feel read and understood but equally I do not want to appear patronising and respond to something that does not require it - IFYWIM?

Oh, what to do?

What do you do?

Today - I look out the window and what do I see?

I look out the window and what do I see?
Green, green grass,
I am as happy as can be!

Good bye snow!

Just my thought this morning as I looked out to no snow and no ice - my idea of bliss.

Friday 15 January 2010

What makes me Mummy......

(This equally could apply to Daddy too as we do have a very good Daddy in this house but seeing as I am writing this then it is all about me, me, me!!)
  1. sewing badges on JJ's beaver outfit
  2. kissing the small people when they get hurt and putting on the special cream/ plaster
  3. praying for them to grow up to be happy and rounded people
  4. being a taxi driver and dropping JJ to clubs and parties
  5. getting the best cuddles from the kids
  6. going into their rooms at night once they are sleeping and tucking them in, giving them the final kiss while they look all tranquil
  7. having to discipline them when they go off the rails and wishing I could ignore it but knowing I am doing them no favours if I do
  8. and of course having given birth of them. They came from this still large and flabby tummy, at least something good came from it.

Wednesday 13 January 2010

Too busy to love?

I read a good article in Christianity magazine a few days ago and it has stayed with me. The title was 'Too busy to love?' with the gist being that research has shown 90% of people think their relationships could be improved. Could yours? I know mine could. I am not saying I am terrible but I could certainly give a little more attention to those I love dearly. For instance I am on this PC way too much!

The emphasis was that basically too many of us nowadays live our lives in the fast lane and forget the really important stuff. I read a good post earlier about the wonder that kids see in everyday life (and I would link to it, but can I find it now!!! grr).

The author says that the people who do any or all of the following are the least stressed -
  • go for daily walks
  • start their day in prayer, reflection, reading the bible or silent contemplation
  • take their full lunch hour
  • make sure one day a week is spent 'not working'
  • take all their holiday allowance
  • say 'no' when they have to.

Guess what? I can tick 5 out of the 6. not bad huh?

How many can you tick and are you feeling stressed by all this snow?

I feels real nice to be able to tick those off. Anyone who knows me or has read my blog for some time will know I have trouble relaxing and I love to be busy. So it is good to know that I am making some headway in my recovery and my personal growth towards being a human 'being' instead of a human who is always 'doing!'

Sunday 10 January 2010

Grace in Small Things

I have just visited Cool Zebras blog and read on her lovely post on the simple joys. It reminded me that I have not done a grace post in a while. So here are 5 wonderful things that make me smile -

1. Miss E smiling at Daddy and saying she is a 'Lucky girl' as he let her share his drink, such a cheeky face
2. Smelling the roast dinner cooking as I type
3. Spending a few hours this weekend making card for my friends and family
4. The wonderful joy of dh and I dancing with the kids at Church this morning. We all had a ball!
5. The super day in yesterday me and the kids had, I have attached a couple of pics of the girls in the afternoon. All that relaxing wears you out don't you know?

Saturday 9 January 2010

Today my eyes are open!

I have had a lovely morning so far today. I was awoken by a small voice shouting 'Mummy I need you', which when you think about it is just super. We all love to be needed and the little ones that need me are just divine. The silly thing is some mornings that might just annoy me if I had gone to bed too late or been woken in the night but I really must keep at the forefront of my mind how much I adore my little people.

Once I had dealt with my twinnies and they were happily playing together my big boy got up and came for a snuggle in my bed, he then went off downstairs to play on the PC and enjoy his lego games. I stayed in bed for about 40 minutes and listened to the giggles coming from the girls rooms and just chatted with them through the wall while I prayed, read some of my ED literature and generally pondered my life (Does that make me a selfish/ bad Mummy?). It was bliss and a way I would love to start each day but realistically as a working mother it won't happen. So I must treasure the times it does. It has set me up into such a good mood for today and this is why I say my eyes are open today as I have been enjoying the little things. For example:

Once I got up at about 8.30am I went in to see the girls again and we sat and read and then they decided that their Alfie teddies would like to be zipped into Mummies PJ top, I smiled at this game but what really got me laughing was when Miss M came and sat on my lap and said 'My in there Mummy'. So yes, M got zipped in my top with me and we snuggled. Miss E declined to join us but found it very funny and kept poking her Alfie in with Miss M and I.

We then went into the bathroom to brush our teeth. They watched me first and then did theirs and it amused me to watch Miss M clean the sink afterwards in just the way Mummy does!

While putting on their dressing gowns, Miss M announced that she was now Nanny and pulled out a hanky from her pocket, one I had no idea was there. My Mum stays every so often and always dresses up snug in her dressing gown and has tissues in her pocket, so it was very special to see them trying to be Nanny as well as Mummy. Normally they are me dressed in high heels with a handbag, announcing 'My going to work!'.

Then once downstairs after our porridge Miss E said she wanted to do a Noddy puzzle. I got it out and put it on the floor as I needed to do some organisation for a quiz I am organising for the school PTA. I did not expect the girls to get far as they are not even 2.5 years yet and it is a 35 piece puzzle. I kept looking as them as they wondered off came back together and slowly pieced their puzzle together. I was very proud to see that they did get the puzzle together. It just shows what twins can achieve together. I am such a proud mummy that I have posted a picture of all the kids playing nicely and of the finished puzzle. I suppose I now ought to dress the girls and think about what we might do this afternoon, it is still snowy here - will I venture out to the shops - who knows!

I am now listening to 'My done a wee, wee' in a sing song voice and then an extra chorus of 'my done a big one' from Miss E. Again another proud mummy moment that only another Mum could understand. Roll on Spring and I can properly potty training these beautiful little ladies..... they are nearly there already!
(I only know at the moment how to get pictures at the top of my post, that will be my next thing to learn, how to insert them at the appropriate place in the blog entry! - It is all a journey).

Friday 8 January 2010

Scary Stuff!

I find this blogging lark very enjoyable and definitely therapeutic. It has been a really good outlet for me to rant and let off steam. In recent months more and more people that I know have started to read and this feels quiet difficult. On the one hand I would really like a good readership and would love some comments, on the other I am very conscious that my blog is completely self-absorbed and was aimed at being for my benefit so actually it might be really quite rubbish for others to read.

Quite a few months back I found out a really good friend of mine in NZ was reading it regularly and I had to block this knowledge out as every time I whinged or wrote something revealing I just felt stupid, exposed and embarrassed. I managed to overcome that. Then mentally a couple of months ago I gave my Mum my blog URL and now she and may Dad read it and again I feel quite exposed. I often want to explain to her that just because I write a 'feeling down' post, it does not mean I am ready to slit my wrists. It is just a one moment feeling and it passes but it helped me to write about it.

Now I have started to read loads more peoples blogs (although where some of these fab Mummy bloggers get the time to comment on 101 blogs I have no idea!) and leaving comments allows people to link to my blog and I had not consciously recognised that at first. So I expect there are people popping in here that I do not even know about, or maybe not as I am not really getting any comments. I wish I knew if my blog was OK but I am too scared to ask. I have joined British Mummy Bloggers if the hope of getting some good advice. I could just ask people there to pop in and look but not sure I am ready yet.

So I am in that position of 'do I want people to follow my blog, read it and comment on it?' or is that just too scary and I want to be left alone to whinge to the world! I suppose like everything I should just give it up to God and not try to orchestrate things and see how it goes.

Thursday 7 January 2010

Favourite Photo Meme

I love photos and have millions of them, I am forever taking them and I am not particularly good or arty but I just adore the memories that they hold. I needed some cheering up after my crappy walk home so have been looking back and here is the favourite pic I came up with (well for today anyway!).

On my wedding day (I am the bride!) with my three best friends from Uni, one of which has now deserted me and gone away to NZ and I miss her loads and loads xxx)
Sticky Fingers is creating a gallery of loads of bloggers favourite photos, so I have been brave and will add mine in too. All this sharing of my blog is giving me heart palpitations!
I just want to say thanks to New Mummy Tips who showed me how to do this clever linking and Mad Mummy who pointed me there for help.

Snow, snow go away. Never come back another day!

I am fed up of the snow already and most people I speak to are as well - even the kids! I suppose us Southerners are just not used to or prepared for this kind of weather and whilst the novelty is there for 48 hours, beyond that it is a pain! I walked JJ to school and back today as his Head Teacher is ace and one of the very few who keeps her school open as much as she can but on route I saw just one snowman. Before Xmas when we had snow nearly every garden had a snowman and this time - just the one, that must tell a story.

Anyway I have had a pretty nice day at home today with the twinnies. JJ's school was open between 10.30 - 2.30 so he got to run off some energy and I only had 2 to annoy each other rather than 3. Actually, the girls behaved really quite well but did manage to wet themselves about 6 times in a matter of 2 hours - yes nappies safely back on now. No accidents yesterday and then this - they are so unpredictable and all the time this very cold weather is here I won't be officially potty training for a while yet.

The reason I want the snow to go away is that it is so hard to get out. On the journey to school this morning I took the girls in their tandem buggy and the wheels creaked under the inches of snow and it was so heavy to push - they are about 4.5 stone between them now, my back felt like it might break. So I decided I really must not do that again this afternoon and took the girls walking to school in the snow. This was too much of a novelty and they kept touching the snow and I knew that Miss M would melt down at any minute as she was cold and that stressed me out (isn't it funny how the thought of things stresses us out rather than when it actually happens we go into 'I am British I can cope mode!' lol). We had both girls fall falt on there face at least once, cheeks were blue, hands were bright red (the gloves kept getting removed) but we did manage to get home with no one crying. There was just one shouty Mummy who had used the bribe of chuppa Chups lollies to get the kids to walk home next to me and not to run onto the road, which of course just looks like the path at the moment.

I am seriously considering whether I will send JJ to school tomorrow, don't know if I can take the stress. Oh why do my parents not live just round the corner? I can hear my Mum saying now it was me who moved away............

Wednesday 6 January 2010

What to do when it is snowing?..............

.....that was the question for us earlier. Work closed, nursery closed and school closed. Decision made; we will stay in for the day and play!

but anyone who knows me will know how hard that will be. I just do not do staying in for a full day. I want to be good at snuggling on a sofa and watching TV but I find it hard. So to break up the day we had a chip shop picnic and we all thoroughly enjoyed ourselves!

The walk (or trudge as it really was - back ache - oh yes I have that now after pushing a double buggy in 6" of snow!) broke up the day nicely and got us out for an hour of so. The rest of the day has been doing puzzles, playing games, stickers and JJ on the PC.

Monday 4 January 2010

In 2010 I will......

* Fall in love with my husband all over again

* Spend lots of fun and frivolous time with my kids

* Worry less about cleaning the house

* Continue my journey of recovery from the disease of compulsive overeating

* Live one day at a time and try to enjoy every moment

* Hand my problems over to God, they are his to deal with - I just need faith!

All this thinking back to 2009 also got me thinking forward and I received a good email from one of my friends with the moral being 'Know where you're going in life...
you may already be there'. Money really does not buy everything you want, I have to remember that!

Top 5 Moments of 2009

I have started to read more and more parenting blogs and I am really enjoying them. There are some fab writers out there disguised as Mummies. One of the blogs ( I really wish I knew how to do one of those cool looking links with just a word!!! - maybe time for a training course at night school?) has invited other bloggers to list their top 5 moments of 2009, so here are mine -

1. Early April 2009 - Spring Harvest Christian festival at Butlins, Skegness. Dh, I and the kids all went and it was amazing. We had such a fun time together as a family and also got to spend lots of time with God and in prayer and reflection.

2. Late April 2009 - I restarted this blog once I started to go to the ED meetings. I am so pleased to have found a wonderful group of supportive people and a program which will help me through life.

3. June 2009 - Holiday to Butlins, Bognor with dh, the kids and my Mum, Dad and Brother for Mum and Dad's 40th anniversary. They had wanted to go abroad but I could not face that with 2 x one year olds and a 5 year old. This was the first holiday where there was light that the girls would sleep in a foreign environment and adapt to being away, having a different routine and being quite adaptable. It was the rest and relax that I really needed.

4. Late August 2009 - I went away for the weekend to Birmingham with a group of twin mummies. I had never met any of them before in real life, just through a twins forum that we chat on most days. It was amazing and I have made some great life friends.

5. October 2009 - I went away for a retreat to Ely with a group of friends from my old Church. I spent a lot of time alone in prayer and thought and I made a wonderful expressive collage with a daily prayer to help me give up my will to God in regards to my eating problems. What really made the weekend was coming home and spending time at the park with dh and the kids - we had such unplanned fun it was amazing!

There are so many more wonderful times in 2009 that I could write about, but I think these are my top 5.

What are yours? Have a think, I enjoyed this time of reflection.

Friday 1 January 2010

It's a New Year

Stating the obvious! Can you tell I did not know what to call this entry? lol

All is pretty well for us, I have enjoyed Christmas and New Year, there has been nothing massive going on but the company of my family, dh, kids, lots of sale shopping, some relaxing, playing with the kids etc has all added up to a happy Mich.

Dh was working last night, so I spent the evening with my Mum, Dad and Brother (32) and actually had an enjoyable and sober NYE. We watched some trashy best song of the noughties program and then Mammia Mia and I sang my heart out.

Today has featured more sale shopping and it has been a successful year, I have loads of new bits, most of which were bought by my parents. I am a lucky girl! I was thrilled to be buying things in a size 20 rather than 22 as well.

I think I have put some weight on over Xmas but I am not too worried. I had a couple of abstinent days over the holidays and on others I enjoyed some treats but I can not remember binging or completely over indulging on any day.

Today, so far I have been abstinent and I am very grateful for that. My Dad got a big tin of shortbread out of the cupboard this morning and they have been calling me ever since, I pray I can resist them tonight. I adore them but I really do not want to eat them as this abstinence is hard earned and means so much more than a 2 minute fix.

I go home tomorrow so I can avoid more of the foods that are not good for my recovery. I think I will get dh to help me clear out anything left at home that should not be there. I will do my usual trick and take it to work to fatten everyone else up!