Guest Post: Praising God even when it Hurts

“All our troubles and, all our tears, God our hope, He has overcome. All our failures and, all our fear, God our love, He has overcome. All our heartache and, all our pain, God our healer, He has overcome. All our burdens and, all our shame, God our freedom, He has overcome...”

 ~ Take Heart, Hillsong United.

It’s 2011. I stood in the balcony of our church, arms outstretched to God, tears streaming down my face, overcome by grief, unable to utter the words of the song that everyone else was giving their all to. He has overcome? God our hope? God our healer? God our freedom?

The previous Sunday morning I hadn’t been in church. Laying in A&E, I had stared at bloodstained ceiling tiles while a consultant picked the remains of our twelve week old baby from my insides. I had awoken that morning, finally at week twelve, the safe zone, only to find that I was bleeding. The following day, the day I was actually booked in for our twelve week scan to check our baby’s health and growth, I was having a scan to check that the baby had been removed successfully.

How did you say goodbye?

I am sure you will have seen me post before about miscarriage.  I feel strongly that it ought to no longer be a taboo subject; the more woman that share their experiences the more people will realise how (unfortunately) common it is. Only then will people realise that is is OK to grieve and to be beside yourself and to not know how to handle it.

The Miscarriage Association state that 1 in 4 women will experience a miscarriage and 1 in 100 will experience recurrent miscarriages.  That is an awful lot of us having to go through this.

I count myself as blessed as I have only experienced one miscarriage and it was after I had my three children. Whilst I am not saying that makes it easier for everyone it did for me. I am lucky to have a strong faith to draw on and a fabulous family to turn to when the difficult times come. My belief is that the baby (Samuel Noah) I miscarried in May 2010 is now with Jesus, God had different plans for him than I did.

If I am honest I don't know if I grieved the loss of my baby, I did not do loads of crying, nor take a long spell off work but I think I used my favourite avenue, this blog to work through the pain and to realise that Gods plan is perfect, if unknown to me.

I find tears pouring down my cheeks as I read others stories of their repeated miscarriages and heartache as they wonder if they will ever successfully carry a pregnancy to term. Every person deals with things in their own way and I know some people just push miscarriages under the cover (so to speak) and bury their pain but from personal experience I find that things do come back to haunt you. It is really important to  acknowledge that something terrible has happened and to take time to come to terms with it. Of course this is true for both parents, we must not forget the men in this.  They may not have the hormones raging but they have lost their future hopes and dreams with that child that they had invested as well.

Recently I found out about a not for profit organisation called Saying Goodbye and I exchanged a few emails with one of the founders Zoe Clark-Coates. Zoe herself has experienced five miscarriages and is now blessed with two beautiful daughters.  Her miscarriages hit her extremely hard and she believes that things happen for a reason (yes she is a Christian too) and that out of her terrible times came the idea of Saying Goodbye.

To help parents be able to grieve and let go of their beloved babies who never made it here on earth they have set up a number of large remembrance services at cathedrals across the country. The have chosen to use these large historic buildings because they feel that all babies deserve to be honoured in wonderful, awe inspiring places. Additionally they wish for all people to feel at ease attending the services, and as the venues chosen are used for many secular events as well as Christian services, they hope that people of every faith or no faith will feel comfortable coming along.

All the venues are centrally located, easy to find, and offer plenty of space, so not only people who have lost a baby themselves can attend, but also their supportive friends and extended family, who may also feel a need to say goodbye to their niece, nephew or grandchild

The list of confirmed services for 2012 are -

• Exeter Cathedral , Exeter - Saturday 15th September at 3pm
• Edinburgh Cathedral, Edinburgh – Saturday 22nd September at 3pm
• York Minster, York – Saturday 29th September at 1.30pm
• Birmingham Cathedral, Birmingham – Sunday 28th October at 3.30pm
• Cardiff Cathedral, Wales - Saturday 3rd November at 3pm
• St Martin’s in the Field, London –  Saturday 17th November at 11am
• St Paul's Cathedral, London – Saturday 24th November at 5pm
• Bristol Cathedral, Bristol -  Saturday 8th December  at 3.30pm 

and there are plans for at least another 12 services in 2013.  Ohh and I think I forgot to mention, there is no charge to attend the services, as with all church services if you would like to make a donation then you are most welcome to but money is not a barrier for anyone to attend.

It is not only me who thinks these services seem like a fabulous idea, the Miscarriage Association have partnered with Saying Goodbye and the NHS association of early pregnancy units have supplied information to hospitals across the UK, so I pray that never again are mothers who have lost their babies treated as just someone with an aliment, they will be offered support and a way to grieve.

I'll leave you with a quote from Professor Lord Robert Winston who is ambassador for Saying Goodbye.

"I am delighted to be an ambassador for a marvellous new organisation called 'Saying Goodbye'. Following losing five babies themselves, Zoe and Andrew Clark-Coates, the directors of CCEM, decided to launch the first national set of commemorative services, which will allow families to come together to mourn their babies. I hope that these services will be a turning point in the nation, and through this new organisation miscarriage will become more widely understood, and families will know that their pain and loss has been heard and recognised.”

This is not a sponsored post, I have not been re numerated to post this, I just think it sounds like a lovely idea and I adore it where people use the resources they have to bless others.

Sadly So Many Of Us Have Miscarried, Let's Call For Better Care...

Mumsnet have started a campaign for better miscarriage care and this is a fabulous thing and I am totally behind them.  Sadly I am a bit late and should have been joining in with this last week but let's be honest, it does not matter what week I post as long as I post and ask you all to try and do your bit to help as well.

Statistics say that 1 in 3 women will miscarry at some point, I am one of them. Last year I miscarried my fourth child. Samuel Noah he was to be called and he would have been one this November but instead of crawling round my feet he is safe with Jesus and even though I am comforted by that thought it does not take away the angst and longing for my missing baby. A devastation and pain caused by a miscarriage should never be underestimated.

Before I had children I always prayed that I would not have to suffer a miscarriage, I just knew this would be such a terrible thing to experience.  I remember saying 'Please Lord, it is one thing to not get pregnant but quite another to miscarry'.  It may seem strange to say but I am glad that if I had to suffer a miscarriage it was after I had my children.  Of course having other children does not make it OK but for me it certainly made it more bearable, I had to focus on my family and keep going and that really helped my healing.

When I read some posts around miscarriage I know that I was lucky in the care I received.  Yes I waited 3 hours for my scan, the one that confirmed my babe had died inside me 4 weeks before but all the people I came into contact with at the hospital were friendly and professional.  The sonographer was lovely, she spoke sympathetically to me and the doctor I saw afterwards explained everything thoroughly and sent me away with my choice to make. When I came back in to be checked after the actual miscarriage took place they saw me immediately and kept me separate to the still pregnant mothers.  I was offered a post-mortem and a funeral for my babe.  My hospital did good for me and for that I am very thankful.

Many women do not receive any kind of acceptable level of care when they miscarry, they are pushed aside and sometimes denied access to scans and appointments.  From what I saw when I gave birth to my children maternity care is not highly regarded and wards are short-staffed and those there are overworked, this does not make for a satisfactory birth experience.  This is why Mumsnet have started their campaign.

You do not need to be a blogger to support this campaign, you just need to believe that good care is important for any woman that is going through the awful experience of miscarriage.

If you want to read my story of miscarriage then take a look here, I blogged a lot about my miscarriage and how I dealt with my grief, I feel it is very important to show other women that miscarriage happens to so many of us and it is nothing to be ashamed of.

If this sensitive topic is affecting you or those you know right now then my prayers are with you.

This time last year... I was very sad!

This is a post about miscarriage, if it will upset you, best not to read.  I feel it is very important to remove the stigma around miscarriage and thus I am talking about this and blogging about it too.

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Image Credit

Today I am thinking back to last year.  I had returned from Spring Harvest a very happy girl and I had just announced to the world that I was pregnant with my fourth child and then on this very day, 26th April 2010 I went to the doctors as I had some spotting.  Never did I imagine anything particularly bad, I thought it might have been a sign I was having another set of twins as I had spotting with the girls too.  The doctor could not find a heartbeat with the handheld and this did not phase me, there is a lot of flab to get through and I was only 11 weeks gone. 

He sent me over to the hospital for a scan just to be sure that all was well.  I sat there for about 3 hours before I was seen as they had to fit me in around the booked appointments.  Still I felt OK drinking my gallons of water and then having to pee, wasting all that preparation drinking!  I always thought that if anything was amiss in my life I would know it, I would have a feeling.  I am normally very intuitive and can sense that something is happening.  Not this time, my radar was off.

When I finally saw the radiographer, she asked if I wanted to see the screen, 'oh yes' I said  and I looked and I could see that it was all wrong.  After having so many scans with the girls I knew what I was looking for.  At 11 weeks there should have been a visible baby shape, a flashing heart beat, some movement but all I could see was a small blob, a very still blob.  Slow tears started to roll down my face, I knew even before she told me.

A missed miscarriage is what they called it.  For some unknown reason my baby had not thrived inside me and had died around 6 or 7 weeks.  It was strange to think I had been carrying a dead foetus around for over a month and loving it and making plans for how our future might turn out.  I got packed off home with lots of leaflets and questions of what I wanted to do next.  What I wanted was to cuddle my hubbie and to have my babe back.  Sadly the latter was not one of my options.

Dh was fabulous and I got the cuddle very quickly as he came straight home.  I made the decision that I would book in for a operation to have the babe removed as it was tearing me up knowing that the baby inside me was not mine but was now with Jesus. I had a few very sad days where I waited for the day of the operation, each moment wondering if the miscarriage would occur naturally before I got to that time.  The night before the operation it all kicked off and I had the most horrendous few hours.  Never have I felt pain like it or seen as much blood.  Thankfully within about 24 hours it appeared to be over and I did not have to make it to the operating table. Never would I have thought that miscarrying a 7 week foetus would be like this, it just shows that we are all different.  I know friends who have commented that they literally had a heavy bleed and a little cramping at the same sort of stage. I know I am not a woss when it comes to pain but this was devastating, perhaps because it had all been inside me longer?  Who knows?

I had a funny few months after the miscarriage, one day far more traumatic than others.  On the one hand I was fine, I knew my babe was in the best place and I realised it was not meant to be.  Dh and I are completely blessed with our three children and on the other I could not help mourning that little life that I had never got to know.

So now it is a year on and I feel alright, honestly I do.  Of course I remember and I will always treasure my memories of my fourth child, Samuel Noah  but for today I know that my life is just as it is meant to be and I will kiss those babes at home more fervently tonight than ever!

If you, yourself have been through a miscarriage or heaven forbid multiple miscarriages then I am praying for you and hope that your hurt is able to heal a little with time and love from those around you.

Mich x

Due Date.... Today!

It’s 18th November 2010. Today is my due date. This is the day I was supposed to give birth to my fourth child. Of course it was not to be and I have blogged about my miscarriage here, here and here.

I always prayed before I had children that I would not miscarry as I knew it would be something really hard for me to deal with. I do think the blow of losing my babe was softened by the fact that I have already been blessed three times. Of course each child is different and I was sure that this babe would be a boy and I would have named him Samuel Noah. So little Samuel you will always have a special place in my heart, you are the beautiful babe that I never got to have.

Straight after the miscarriage I could not believe how well I appeared to be dealing with things. People kept telling me to let myself mourn but I was not listening. I was OK, well in my mind. Then over the last four or five months I have had periods of sadness and loss and I think slowly I have been coming to terms with the fact that our family is complete. 5 is a perfect number for us.

It seems a bit trite to say that I believe I am mourning the loss of a fantasy as much as the loss of my actual babe. Once I found out I was pregnant I thought how great it was that I would be on maternity leave when my girls started nursery school and how that would make logistics much easier. I also had all these little dreams about being able to breastfed my single baby and having time alone together to get to know each other and to snuggle. Sadly much of that one on one was missing with the girls as there were always two on one as well as toddler in toe. I built this little fantasy world in my head, the one where I would have the natural (don’t lynch me for using that word, I know my c-section births were natural too. I just don’t want to use the V word!) birth I had always longed for. Perhaps in water with dh at my side and definitely serene and blissful.

So here I am today in the reality and let’s be honest the reality isn’t bad at all. I have one husband I love who is hard at work earning a living to keep our family. I am sat at toddlers surrounded by loads of friends from my Church. The girls are having fun playing and I have a job that I enjoy and fits in with my family. I am blessed every day by the Lord and all my needs are met and provided for. I really cannot ask for any more!

I will not feel sad today, I will celebrate my life and all that I have.

I was prompted to post this by Josie’s writing workshop and also I wanted to support Jen at the Madhouse in her crusade to get people talking more about miscarriage.

I Don't Know If I Am Ready Yet....

For days now I have not felt as if I could blog. On the one hand I really want to blog and have so many things I want to say, I keep noting topics and post titles on a pad by the side of my bed, but on the other hand I have been in work extra days this week and been really busy. I have got loads done around the house and am therefore knackered. More than that though I just have this awful feeling in the pit my stomach, you know that horrible butterfly/ sinking feeling you get when something is troubling you.

I think my 'something' is to do with my eating issues, weight and general health.

A couple of weeks ago I woke up and thought 'Who am I?' and my first reaction (which they often say is the most honest one) was that I am a fat pig. Isn't that sad that I am allowing my body to define me? I feel as if I have gone off the rails at the moment. I am not interested in going to my eating disorder group, I do not want to talk to any of my friends in recovery, I do not care what food I am putting in my body, I have put on weight and I feel that I look yuck but I am not in the right place to do anything about it at the moment. I do not feel ready. I feel scared to expose myself and to let myself lose the weight and perhaps this will mean that I will lose my hiding place. Boy am I being honest with myself in this post.

I know it sounds crazy, but aren't many things. I think some of this comes down to the miscarriage I had earlier this year. The other night (you know the night I hardly slept before my paddy at work) I was chatting with dh in bed and got all upset and could not stop myself crying. I said to him I feel as if I am hiding in my fat. Just not ready to emerge yet and to deal with the scary big world. By having my extra weight I have a big tummy and this tummy could easily look pregnant to the untrained eye and I think secretly I like this. I think a woman's pregnant body is very beautiful, whereas I think fat is very, very ugly. I do fairly often think to myself what stage of pregnancy I would of been at now if I had not lost my babe. I would of been a good 7 months pregnant now and whilst I truly think it is for the best that we will not have any more kids I think this could be the grief catching up with me a few months later. Everyone did say how well I coped at the time. I am hoping by putting all this down in writing it will help me move forward and be ready to sort myself out. It is no good ignoring issues and hoping they go away, because they do not.

I wonder if people will read this post and think I am ga ga (and not as in Lady - just plain nuts) or if some will understand that many emotions, thoughts and feelings are not sane and do not have good reason behind them. Trying to be real and honest with yourself is a really scary thing I am discovering......but is so essential if I am ever to be fully well.

Perhaps this is me on my recovery journey, taking another step towards really being able to say yes I have completed Step 1 - that I am powerless over food, that my life has become unmanageable!

I feel better just having written this post, that horrible feeling is not there right now and at this precise moment I believe all will be well with God's help. I just need to remember to give up my will and allow God to work in my life instead of my trying to control everything.

A big thank you to all those who support me both in real life and my virtual friends.

This week Josie pressed us all to write about 'Change' as part of her writing workshop. She left the prompt open and as such my offering is a self-indulgent one. If you want to read some other entries from people who are trying to press for change in the third world then visit Josie's blog and have a read.

Scared & Embarassed: Making a Breakthrough..

This post has been written as part of Josie's writing workshop. It has been a while since I last joined in and I have missed it. The prompt I choose this week was one word 'Running'. Here is how I have been running from a situation over the last few weeks...

It was about 6 weeks ago that I last went swimming in the pool at work. It was a Tuesday morning about 7am, my normal time and I was looking forward to gliding through the water (yeah right, more like lumping) and having 30 minutes of 'me' thinking time. I adore my time in the pool (when I get there, not when I have to get out of bed at 6.20am and everyone else is still asleep!) and this day was no different to any other. At first the water was easing my period pains and the calm swooshing of the water was clearing my mind. I happily chatted to God and thought about what my week ahead would entail. It had been a rough month for me, what with my miscarriage and I was enjoying this precious peaceful time.

About 40 minutes later it was time to get out and get lively, off to work I needed to go. I had to be there for 8.30am made up and looking presentable. I got out of the pool and walked to the changing room to collect my towel and toiletries and then onto the shower. At that point I looked down and I did not know whether to cry, scream, hide or just die with embarrassment. I am sure the blood drained from my face and I felt such shame. I slowly opened the door and looked around, was anyone else there? No, sneak out and look round the corner, 'oh my goodness'. There from the pool right to everywhere I had walked was a trail of blood, my blood. Day two of my period, I was using the highest absorbency tampon you can, only recently inserted and it has failed me. I assume I bled so hard due to the miscarriage the month before as I have always swam at this time of the month and been heavy for a few years now but this was beyond heavy. This looked like someone had been murdered.

I quickly took my towel and swished it around the floor directly by the shower so that no trail led to me. Closing the door I died as the shower washed away the cause of my shame and then realised it was one of those awful things that I was in the last shower and the red washed down 2 or 3 showers more before reaching the drain. I stayed in that shower for 40 minutes that morning in the hope that I might just disappear.

When I finally found the courage and strength inside to re-emerge I saw that the blood was still there. How could this be? The staff are normally fab and these are probably the cleanest showers I have ever seen. I sneaked into one of the toilets and again shut myself away from the world, hoping no-one would see the guilt written over my face - 'it was me, I am the unclean person!'. Consoling myself I wondered if people might think I had cut my foot and that was it but realistically with that amount of blood it would have to of been an amputation. I could hear the speculation of people in the changing rooms, what had happened, who was it, why had it not been cleared up?

As I sat there praying I heard the lady come in and clear it all up and in my heart I was profusely thanking her. Over an hour after leaving the pool I came out and got dressed. I did go to work, although the urge to go home and hide was very great. It was a busy time at work and I am not one who likes to let her colleagues down. So in I went and felt terrible all day. Each time I remembered what had happened I relieved that embarrassment.

I have been so scared to go swimming or do aqua ever since. Normally I go twice a week and I have missed it but the thought of THAT happening again was just too much. Having had a coil fitted about 3 weeks ago this means my bleeding has been unpredictable but pretty low considering my norm, so this morning I felt I had the courage to take those steps into the pool and I am so glad I did.

Have I overreacted to this incident in staying away for such a long time - maybe? but I think much of my reaction has been tainted by the miscarriage and my hidden sadness at losing my baby. As said before realistically I know that it was not ideal to have another baby but from my heart it would of been lovely to have one.

NOTE: (Mum, do not worry when you read this. Fundamentally I am fine, it was just good for me to get this out and let go)

Slow down, enjoy our time...

Morning all, Just to say I am feeling so much better today. I went to hospital yesterday but did not need the op as I had naturally miscarried mostly and then the doctor was able to remove the rest, including the tissue that would of been my babe so that has gone off for a cremation after some analysis. Although this physical aspect does not matter so much to me as I know my unborn babe is in Heaven already.I received some amazing flowers yesterday from Church and all my friends and virtual friends have been so supportive, thanks.

Below is a circular email I received recently and I find it really pertinent right now. A gentle reminder than life can be short and we must enjoy it while we are here. Enjoy...

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever watched kids

On a merry-go-round?

Or listened to the rain

Slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Do you run through each day

On the fly?

When you ask How are you?

Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done

Do you lie in your bed

With the next hundred chores

Running through your head?

You'd better slow down

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Ever told your child,

We'll do it tomorrow?

And in your haste,

Not seen his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,

Let a good friendship die

Cause you never had time

To call and say,'Hi'

You'd better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last..

When you run so fast to get somewhere

You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through your day,

It is like an unopened gift....

Thrown away.

Life is not a race.

Do take it slower

Hear the music

Before the song is over.

Bathtime from hell, my awful night

Ohh it all kicked off last night. Things were fine during the day, I ended up enjoying my time to myself and got loads done towards planning the garage conversion. Then off I went and picked up JJ, the girls and dh and came home and all was fine until about 6pm when I started to get some period like pains.

It was nothing too much at first, so I took some paracetamol at 6pm and at about 6.20m dh went off to lead cubs and I was happy for him to go out. By about 6.45pm I needed to get the girls to bed and I was in agony, I wanted to cry, I could hardly move and I had these two little princesses who were not being naughty by any means but wanted to have fun and play with Mum, I just could not deal with it. I was so proud of how I kept my calm and explained Mummy was very poorly and they needed to help me by doing as they were told - what beauties, it was as if they understood at 2 3/4 years that this was serious and they needed to listen. So I got them bathed and into PJs and read one story and had to ask JJ to read the other as I had to head to the loo for the first of many, many trips. JJ was a trooper and read to them and then got himself showered and joined me on my bed ('Mummy why are you lying on that towel?') and read me a story, in between my 7 trips to the loo in the space of about 20 minutes.

Dh came home about 8.20pm to find me on the bed in agony and hardly able to talk. I felt sick as a dog and could not get a comfy position. I missed all the TV I wanted to watch last night as I just could not concentrate. The sweats came and went and I was convinced I would pass out at any time. I forced myself to eat a slice of toast to help with the sickness and at 9pm I called the hospital to see if I could take mefanamic acid as the paracetamol had just not touched the pain. Thankfully they said yes and by 10pm the pain was subsiding and I managed to fall asleep. I had a night of up and downs to the loo but at least I could sleep in between.

I was up early this morning to have finished my breakfast by 7am in case I need the operation later. I am now nil by mouth until about 4pm this afternoon. It might be that I do not need the op though as I have now passed an awful lot naturally. Apparently the pain I was feeling was my uterus contracting, now I think thank goodness I have never given birth vaginally if it hurts like that.

So today is starting a much better day, I can talk and think and move without too much pain - yay. Thank you lord.

Thanks also to all the lovely people leaving me comments or texting me with well wishes.

It is hitting me today

A message to those who know me, this is not a particularly cheerful post, if it will upset you do not read it but it is helping me to write things down and get them out so I will continue to post about sad stuff as well as good stuff. Fundamentally I will be fine, I am sad but all will be well so no need for you to be sad too. Mich x

I have dropped JJ to breakfast club, dh to the station and the girls off to nursery and now I have the day to myself. My op is not until tomorrow now and the way things are going (slowly) I assume I will make it in there to have the operation.

Things are sinking in today - on the way back from nursery I stopped at Asda to fill up the car and buy some sanitary pads. I think that set me off, how sad to have to buy maternity pads when there is no baby to come home. I went to buy the girls a new cup each and some tangle free shampoo for Miss E and of course this was all in the baby section so there I was looking at things for babes and realising I do not need those. I walked around Asda with a massive lump in my throat and feeling sick and thinking it is just not fair to have morning sickness and not actually be carrying a live baby anymore. Luckily I caught myself having this kind of unhelpful thought and reminded myself that grieving is fine but irrational self-pity will get me nowhere. All that was running through my mind though was 'I want my baby'. Sadly, that is not to be.

I had a good old cry on the drive home from the shops, I suppose being alone today gives me time to think and to feel free to express myself. It is hard to be sad in front of your kids or at work so this may have kept me going the last couple of days. On the drive home I drove past the hospital (probably a silly mistake) and realised I would be in there tomorrow and would again probably be very sad.

I realised I am now grieving for the loss of this baby, I had really wanted the babe and had planned out in my mind the next year or so and was looking forward to time off work and my girls starting nursery school and me being there for their half days. A glorious couple of hours to myself each day with my babe, feeding and cuddling. I don't think dh and I will actually try for another baby because as I have said before logically and financially 3 is enough for us really and I also keep wondering if I ought to give up work and be at home with the children more. Would they develop into better young children if I was here to give them more time and guidance? It is not necessarily what I want but I think it may be what God is calling me too. If only we could wave a magic wand and dh would earn £10K more but I know that as Christians we have to be willing to walk in faith and that if me giving up work is the right thing then we should trust that God will provide and do the scary thing first and watch things turn out just fine - as that is often the way it works with God.

So I am off now to hang out the washing and do some cleaning I expect I may be back later.

2pm update, just had a fish finger sandwich and feeling quite a lot better. Upstairs all cleaned, tided, beds changed and floors hoovered and now going to have an hour to myself until I pick up my gorgeous little man from school.

Coping or masking?

I am back at work today and colleagues that know what has happened have commented that I appear to be coping really well on the outside. I have just been out for my lunch break and whilst walking round the shops it got me thinking 'How am I coping', 'Am I really coping at all?' I sort of don't feel anything at all at the moment, except resigned to the fact that there is no babe and that the next few days will be unpleasant as I either have the op or lose the baby naturally (I expect it might go this way as things have already started to progress if you know what I mean).

The first thing that struck me is that in ED they always talk about us compulsive overeaters avoiding any kind of feelings and emotions by eating to stifle them and whilst I have not been on a mega binge or anything I had been using my pregnancy as free reign to eat what I fancied, including all the foods I know have no nutritional value and are just in my diet as they sooth me!

So I sort of came to the conclusion that because I am not abstinent from eating compulsively I am probably not working this through as thoroughly as I should be. People keep telling me to grieve and I do not feel a need to at the moment - is this very hard-hearted?

I know that once the procedure is over and I stop feeling pregnant (I still have morning sickness right now) I have to focus on getting myself back on track with my eating. I allowed myself to put on half a stone whilst pregnant, so that needs to go. Until I can clear my head I do not have perspective on the things that happen in my life, I know this to be true and I trust that God will help me when the time is right for me to listen and obey.

Here I am eating a Nandos for my lunch as I feel I deserve something nice as I am also going through something unpleasant and I also bought myself a new suit for work at lunchtime. Yes it was a bargain at £20.99 in the M&S outlet clearance area but lets be honest it is just another way of me masking what should be feeling painful. (Mum you can give me your opinion on Friday).

When you think about these things logically you have to laugh at me and how strange I am. I was waiting to collect dh yesterday from his train and instead of taking some time to be, I choose to run off and clean the bathroom as I was home and it needed doing. Doing and not being yet again!

So this is where I am at right now, in a nothing place. I know things will get better and that things happen for a reason, I am just not privy to that reason right now. I am eternally grateful that this has happened after my two successful pregnancies and that it has happened now rather than at a much later stage in the pregnancy. I remain blessed with my great children, dh and wider family.

My Sad Day

I am feeling sad today and kind of empty inside but technically that is not true as I still have a babe inside me but just not a living one to be born into our family.

I had some bleeding over the weekend and pain this morning and my cervix just did not feel right. I expect many people have no idea what their cervix should feel like but after charting my ovulation symptoms for a couple of years before the girls I got good at knowing my bodily changes. Anyway after about 3 hours at the doctors and then at the hospital in the early pregnancy unit I had a scan and found out my babe passed at 7+5. I should of been near 11 weeks today, so this was a little while back. It feels completely strange as I was just getting used to this babe becoming part of our family and thinking about all the changes that would come about.

At the moment I am in the painful place of waiting to see if I will miscarry naturally and scared about how much this might hurt and whether anything I pass will be recognisable (I am sorry if this is too gory for you). If nothing has happened within the next couple of days I am booked in for an operation under general anesthetic to have the babe removed. I am not looking forward to that but the prospect of just leaving this to go on for potentially weeks is just too much for me to shoulder.

Dh has been a wonderful support and came straight home from work to be with me, of course this is his loss too and I must be mindful of that. I think to be honest the biggest thing on his mind at the moment is ensuring I am well. I was over the moon to pick JJ up from school today and give him a massive hug and then to collect the girls too for a squeeze and nose kiss. We all went into town for tea and to enjoy an hour together.

I have not really cried much, I expect I will at some point. Just when I do not want to the urge will hit me and embarrass me in public I expect. I do not suppose there is a way you are supposed to feel when something like this happens but I am not as mortified as I would expect. Yes I am mourning the loss of my babe that I will never meet, the one I hoped would be a boy called Samuel Noah. The can did reveal it was just one babe I was carrying, that had been my biggest fear until today, having twins. Now of course I realise my biggest fear should of been something quite different.

Logically dh and I know that three kids really is enough for us and that it is just the right amount of children for us to be really great parents to. When out and about one parent has JJ and one has the girls and everyone feels included and we have time to spend alone with each of them. Another child may of upset this balance and someone could of ended up being marginalised, of course this would not of been on purpose but I could have foreseen it happening to some extent.

I think that is enough wittering for today, I am sure I will be back to pour out some more of my heart when it hits me further.