Lifes a Journey! #InnerTruth

A couple of weeks ago I wrote an #InnerTruth post with the message for myself of ‘Just do it’ and for a few days things were going well.  I felt I was being successful in my journey towards the healthier and slimmer Michelle and then it went a bit wrong.  I can’t recall why, something went off track and instead of just getting back on the horse and trying again I quickly fell back into bad habits.  I didn’t post last Monday as it felt as if there was little point.  I had no weight loss to report and no inspiring message to share.

I tweeted that I would be back this week with an update and sadly I do not really have anything to report in regards to weight loss again.  I have had some good days, times when I have been focused and have eaten mindfully but others have been off-kilter and they are the ones that mean my weight has maintained. I had plans to start my exercise again but then I was unwell and other days I went to bed too late and could not easily get up in the morning.

Slow down, enjoy our time...

Morning all, Just to say I am feeling so much better today. I went to hospital yesterday but did not need the op as I had naturally miscarried mostly and then the doctor was able to remove the rest, including the tissue that would of been my babe so that has gone off for a cremation after some analysis. Although this physical aspect does not matter so much to me as I know my unborn babe is in Heaven already.I received some amazing flowers yesterday from Church and all my friends and virtual friends have been so supportive, thanks.

Below is a circular email I received recently and I find it really pertinent right now. A gentle reminder than life can be short and we must enjoy it while we are here. Enjoy...

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever watched kids

On a merry-go-round?

Or listened to the rain

Slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Do you run through each day

On the fly?

When you ask How are you?

Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done

Do you lie in your bed

With the next hundred chores

Running through your head?

You'd better slow down

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Ever told your child,

We'll do it tomorrow?

And in your haste,

Not seen his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,

Let a good friendship die

Cause you never had time

To call and say,'Hi'

You'd better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last..

When you run so fast to get somewhere

You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through your day,

It is like an unopened gift....

Thrown away.

Life is not a race.

Do take it slower

Hear the music

Before the song is over.

Doing lots of thinking....

Sorry not to be around much, I have been doing lots of thinking. I just re-read my last post and saw I was supposed to chat to dh last night. I didn't. By the time the kids were asleep it was late and we watched a DVD instead but it was rubbish and I went to bed to be honest. Might try and chat to him tonight, it would be good for us to spend some time together chatting rather than just being in the same room and talking about surface things.

I am reading 'the shack' at the moment and it took me ages to get into it. Dh bought it for me at Easter and I read a little and was disappointed so it sat on the shelf. Then about a week ago I started reading some more and now it is really good. What an interesting book - it has got me thinking. Maybe not what I need, as I am so bogged with thoughts at the moment, trying to ensure that I sort out my eating, get a better marriage, be less angry, have a better relationship with God. I must be aware that sometimes when I think I am being helpful I am actually just bogging myself down more by reading and thinking too much.

So I am trying to work through things and feel I can not take on any more at the moment, time feels scarce and I feel a bit stressed really. Must work through that. So looking forward to this weekend and a night away with the girls - gonna behave like an 18 year old and really enjoy myself.

My recovery today

As I have mentioned every day is to be treated as a new entity and I should only really be thinking about and living for that day and do you know what? I am getting better at it! yay I feel as if I am making some steps forward in my recovery in general and that my emotional health is improving. I am still not abstinent, I had one really good abstinent day and the others over the last couple of weeks have just been OK, not terrible but still with many foods/ snacks that I did not need/ should not of had. I weighed yesterday morning as I had no real idea where I was weight wise and I was 16st 1lb, so much better than a week ago but not as low as I have been. Since being back home I have got straight back into doing my crunches in the morning as well.

I wish I had a laptop over the last week as I have done so much thinking and realisation and now I sit at the PC, it is hard to remember it all and capture it. I have moved onto step 2, I think no 1 is now in hand and I have truly realised and come to believe that I am powerless over food. I am now working on step 2 which is coming to believing that a higher power can restore me to sanity. This other ED meeting I went to this week was good as it appeared there were alot of long term members there and loads of recovery in the room. I think I need to get out and see some more ED meetings and be inspired by people with long term recovery. My group is a fairly new one and lacks people who are able to become my sponsor.

Whilst at Mum and Dad's I went to church (one which I really love and have visited many times) and again I got that message to do less and be more. I had some realisation that whilst I appear to be a good student of my ED literature I was not actually doing anything with the info I was reading. The stuff is only useful if you actually absorb it, think on it and perhaps apply some of it to your own life. I realised that I do not allow myself any time for thinking.

Whilst at church I wrote some notes and I have just seen that one of them was that I would dump any to do lists. Realistically they just stress me out and make me want to do more. shhh, don't tell anyone but I actually think sometimes I just write things on them to feel needed and also to feel as if I have achieved something. I have been known to write things on them that are already done, just so I can put the line through that thing. Crazy!

I also put down that I would ensure I take 1/2 hour every day to just be with God and focus. This should not be just before I go to bed as then I end up falling asleep. Thinking about it I did do this each day whilst away, I also took time to go down on my knees at the end of each day to thank God and chat to him. Since I have been back home I have not done this, so I must make a special effort tomorrow.

My last item I wrote about was the need to turn more over to God and to stop trying to trust my own or the worlds wisdom. Only God knows the perfect plan for me and often it will be very different to my own but I truly know it will fulfil all my needs and be the best for me.

So I am going to sign off now, as I am getting very tired and it would be nice to half hour mindless TV before I head up to bed to pray and sleep.