Thursday, 24 December 2009

Crimble




I am loving Christmas so far this year. I have been off work for over a week, we have had a good few inches of snow, I have been relaxing and the kids have been cute ... mostly!

Today has been lovely, dh drove the kids and me over to a big garden centre which had a nice kids grotto, we rode a train, looked at all the cute displays and visited Santa. Then had a nice big breakfast and back home for a couple of hours of chilling. Off to church for Christingle service, where the kids sort of behaved but it was good anyway. They had chips for tea and watched a DVD of themselves as babies, which they all really enjoyed and then off to bed after 1 pressie. Thanks Aunty Sue for the gorgeous presents for the kids.

Dh and I then wrapped the last of the pressies, filled the stockings and enjoyed our Indian take-away and a glass (or two!) of rose. One good film later, I am back on here for a quick catch up and about to make another DVD, now that we finally have the movie maker thingy working!

Generally my food has been pretty good, I have not felt as if I have gone without but I have been conscious to be healthful and moderate in my eating. I am pleased to say that today is one of abstinence. Tomorrow may be another story, but I will face the day one at a time.

So Happy Christmas to all my friends and family, not sure when I will be back on here.

Tuesday, 22 December 2009

The fantasty was better than the reality! lol

I have had 3 good days of abstinence and today would of been the fourth but I gave into the calling of some gorgeous looking cadbury thick chocolate biscuits. I had four of them instead of the yoghurt I had planned for after my tea and guess what they were not that great. In my mind they were going to be amazing and taste so fab but really they were gone in a moment and not that satisfying at all. Oh well, lesson learnt hopefully.

I am not going to beat myself up as I lost my abstinence today. At 8.30pm I was over it and starting my abstinence again. It is Christmas and there is so much good stuff out there and if I can resist at least some things I will be doing far better than any other Christmas ever before!

Sunday, 20 December 2009

A good couple of days

Who knows that has changed. I think all that effort I made to get to my much needed ED meeting on Thursday night in the snow is paying dividends. This is day 2 abstinent - no chocolate, sweets, biscuits, cakes or ice cream. Thank you Lord. There has been so many times in the last couple of days when I have been offered things or had things available that I wanted to eat but I just had to think of how wonderful it feels to be abstinent, it means such a lot to me. Far more than a 5 minute fix of chocolate does. I feel slimmer and more in control.

It was hard at my Mother in Laws (MIL) today as she has so much yummy stuff there and she always cooks far in excess of what is needed, but I ate a moderate meal and stayed to my food plan, avoiding all my no-go foods.

My period has arrived today and I am finding that when I eat better I have less pain, which is great. It has been a tough day today in general, so again it is even more excellent that by Gods grace I have stayed abstinent. Our shower pump appears to have broken, I have lost one of my lovely pandora style bracelets, I can not get the video camera footage to make a movie and get onto CD (this is my third attempt in just over a year, having spent about 30 hours doing this!!!!! grrr) and these are all things that would normally seem unmanageable and drive me to food - but not today!

For today, I am sane and wish to get well and to stop eating compulsively. Thank you Lord.

Saturday, 19 December 2009

Snowtime fun!






It has snowed here, which is not really my idea of fun but of course the kids like it! So I made an effort yesterday and let the kids play out twice and I even helped to build a snowman. Luckily they are all pretty young and do not like to be cold for too long. JJ still got to go to school so he did snowball fights there and got the boy rough stuff out of the way. Ads was at work, which is a shame as I don't think he has ever been here yet when it is snowed, it is always just me and the kids.

I am feeling pretty good and have been managing to relax the last couple of days and not being hyper busy. I have played with the girls loads and tonight will have some time with my boy (he has gone to work with Daddy today - his idea of bliss! I love it that they have such a nice relationship). Food has been pretty manageable and I am feeling positive for a Christmas without too much excessive food.

Thursday, 17 December 2009

I obviously needed my ED meeting tonight

It was the night of the big work do, I have been looking forward to it, have a nice outfit ready, it is a free buffet and bar, loads of music, bands, tribute acts and even a casino in a brand new multi-million ££ complex and I just could not be arsed to go tonight! So I didn't. I seemed to be coming up with every excuse under the sun not to go, the adverse weather being the main one.

However, there I was at 7.40pm tonight driving 10 miles to my ED meeting, instead of going to the party! I then left only about 40 minutes after the meeting started as I could see the snow had settled and was looking worse and worse. It took me near on an hour to get home and I saw accidents but I made it here thanks to God. I was worried on the drive home and like jelly when I walked in the door but I also felt good that I had overcome one of my irrational fears and driven quite a distance in nasty snow on ungritted roads.

My eating has been pretty crap for days now and my head seems to be everywhere, so I was pleased I made it there and I feel quite strong and willing to be abstinent at the moment. Please Lord may that last. I want to be willing to hand my eating over to you. Please help me not to shop for unwise choices and help me to clear the things out the cupboard that should not be there. I really wish to be well and have clarity of thought. Help me to stay in the day, focusing on just that one day at a time and not projecting for the future. Help me also to mind my own business and to stop being judgemental or interfering in what others do. Only I can live my life and only they can live there - help me to remember that please.

Lord I trust in you and thank you for loving me. Amen

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

Totally Insane!

It is official, I am nuts!

I was at work yesterday and I noticed that people had been bringing lots of yummy foods into the office - cakes, chocolate biscuits, sweets etc and boy did I fancy some. I managed to resist until lunchtime and then packed myself off to aqua to get out the office and not to think about food.

Well on the way over there I remembered that they sell the most lovely chocolate chip shortbread and I started thinking about how I could swap my foods around for the day. The plan was shreddies, tea cake for breakfast. Chicken roll, crisps and satsuma for lunch. Jacket with tuna and salad for tea, then a granola bar. So I decided that I could have have the shortbread as part of my lunch, dump the granola bar and have the satsuma after dinner.

I obviously knew this was the wrong choice as I struggled the whole way through the aqua, asking God to stop me buying it but desperately wanting it and to taste how nice it was. I could even hear my food sponsor in my head telling me I had gone into treat mode because I had done aqua and that what was important was sticking to my food plan and getting through the day without the focus on food. Not deciding that swapping them would be OK as mainly the calories would still be the same but that I would still be 301. Too much thinking can drive you nuts....

So I spent an hour in the pool completely obsessing about food. Insane!

I then went back to work and ate my lunch, chicken roll, crisp and shortbread and yes I enjoyed it and stayed away from other food for the afternoon. Upon getting home at just after 5pm I just did not try really and stuck a penguin bar in my mouth, then when I got back from JJ's concert I had my tea, minus the salad and ate some chocolate after too.

I spent the drive to bible study obsessing about what I could buy to eat to take with me for us all. I managed to avoid the shops and got there with nothing, to find chocolate flapjack on the table (along with satsumas for me -they do try to help me! bless) but of course I went for some flapjack and then a satsuma for good measure.

As always I pondered not telling my food sponsor about how weak I am at times, but that defeats the object and I only lie to myself. So here I am confessing all and repenting and praying that I will be able to manage to be abstinent from now.

I hate this disease, I do not want to be controlled by food anymore and I hate being so weak to it.

Sunday, 13 December 2009

Christmas has arrived!


The kids decorated the tree today and I think they did a pretty good job - what do you think?

12th Stepping...

I was really pleased on Friday night when I went to M&S. I had the chance to tell someone else how fab my ED program is and to recommend that they attend. I really think the lady will go along and try a meeting for herself now.

The 12th step of the program is all about living the program and passing the miracle onto others (my wording not theirs!).

I decided to get measured for a bra as I was out without the kids and I was sure I was wearing the wrong size. The lady told me my size was right and how to choose the correct fit of bra. I just happened to say that I expect the size was now OK as I had lost a couple of stone. She said 'this must be God telling me something, as you are my fifth customer today who has lost lots of weight, how did you do it?. I went on to tell her about ED and she said she had called her local group earlier this year but been nervous about attending but after having a chat with me, she felt better and would definitely try the group. We spent over 1/2 hour talking and when I came out I felt really good to have passed on some knowledge. I pray for this lady, that she may come to ED and find peace and serenity in the program.

In fact I pray for everyone with the disease of compulsive overeating. That we may all find our higher power to lean on and that our emotional, spiritual and physical recovery increases each day, one day at a time.

Thursday, 10 December 2009

I am delighting in my kids at the moment

Need I post more than that title? We have had such a great time together since the weekend, they are all behaving much better. Who knows why, maybe it is as simple as the change in my attitude and approach to them.

Saturday we had a party, Sunday me and dh took them all to a party at a soft play and then had the Xmas tree festival at church, which they all loved. Monday was nursery for the girls, Tuesday with Daddy, Wednesday half nursery and half with me and today in a moment we are off to toddlers and the I am going to work to make up some hours from when Maddie was ill, so Daddy will have them and cook dinner! yay

I am really looking forward to our weekend. Fri and sat at my Mum and Dads for some family time and then Sunday is church and Xmas tree decorating.

Miss E has really developed in the last couple of weeks, so coy and funny. She is forever asking me 'What's that?', 'whats in there?', 'Why?' etc - very cute. It has not got to the annoying stage yet.

Progress with JJ

Yep, I am pleased to report that my lovely little man is returning. Kevin the teenager (aged 6!) is disappearing. We had a real good chat last Friday and when I went to school and discovered he had got mad at his teacher and shouted at her that was the last straw. So we started a sticker chart and we are trying to fill a santa hat before Xmas eve night and if he does that we can put a cotton wool bobble on the top of the hat and santa will know to leave his pressies. It really seems to be working. He is thinking about things, saying sorry when he needs to, trying to eat better and generally being much more loving and far less rude. It is wonderful, we had soem time together last night playing post offices as a well doen for his efforts.

He got a sticker for star of the day yesterday as his beahviour at school was so good and I spoke to his teacher this morning who said his calling out in class has been much improved. She can really see him making an effort.

So Mum, don't worry I am not bringing a little bu**er down to see you this weekend. I am bringing that little man JJ that you adore. xx

Thursday, 3 December 2009

For Today...

My reading today was very good. It spoke to me and thus I will share it. It basically said that 'we pray to God but continue to row to shore'. This is then explained as 'surrender does not mean I take no action: it means I take action and surrender the results'. This makes alot of sense to me. If I work it and hand the complexities over to God he will be kind to me and extend Grace and I will get the result that I need. Although I have not been abstinent the last few days I have been really tryign and by the grace of God when weighing this morning I saw I was 15st 3lb, so that is only a 1lb gain in the last week or so and considering some of the things I have eaten I am pleased with this.

Some days are harder than others

Being a Mum is not easy! I have a feeling I might have posted about this before..................lol

I am still having fun and games with JJ and his bad attitude. He is in his room playing as I type as he lost TV today due to his rudeness this morning and more than anything, due to his not wanting to apologise for his poor behaviour. I spoke to some Mums at the school today and they all seem to say the same thing, that their kids have grown some attitude in the last couple of weeks. In one way I am pleased to hear this, at least it is not just us but in another I also wonder how I will help JJ to lose the bad attitude when all his friends have the same.

Yesterday he came home from school and told me' Loser, whatever minger, your mama works in McDonalds'. Now let me say this was not directed at me as a derogatory remake but more to show off what the new thing he had learnt was. He told me he was taught this at breakfast club by one of the women that runs it. I did complain to the manager, we will see the outcome. I wonder if this is explains some of the behaviour, if he is being exposed to this kind of rubbish twice per week. He knows not to repeat this again!

Then you have the twins, they just wear me out and wear me down sometimes. M is the minx really - into everything and you say no and she laughs and runs off. I have to end up threatening or having a big voice to get her to tow the line. E is much better at doing as she is told but she cries and whinges and I really hate that - it grates on me.

It is all just silly stuff, but it makes things so much more difficult. I have to go out and collect dh in a moment and I turn round and they both have nappies, skirts and tights off. Just something extra to take another 5 mins before we leave the house! I feel like shouting I give up! M is like a puppy dog quite happy to pee wherever so my carpet is taking a beating. E has got pretty good and enjoys using the potty and getting her sticker.

I am off out to ED tonight and boy do I need it as I have been struggling and I am so hungry at the moment but I want to hold out until my dinner. I will really enjoy it then.

Monday, 30 November 2009

Update on me and my eating!

I feel a bit out of control at the moment, I got up later than I wanted to this morning - did not do my daily reading. Missed my aqua at lunchtime today due to a meeting overrunning and have eaten too much today, perhaps the result of no food plan. So tomorrow, I pray for a better day, I expect I have regained a lb or 2 in the last week, unfortunately things do move that quickly for me, so I need to focus and hand it over to God in the hope of regaining my abstinence.

I have planned a swim before work tomorrow so that will give me some thinking and praying time in the water and lunch is already prepared so there is no reason to go off track.

Wish me luck.....

A better day

I am pleased to report that today JJ stayed fairly clean at school and he got his pudding after tea. I only observed him being slightly rude once today to Miss E and when I corrected him there was no arguments and an apology to E, so hopefully things are sinking in. At bed time I gave him a big hug and let him know I was really pleased with his progress today. He says he is going to try hard again tomorrow - lets hope so.

Sunday, 29 November 2009

This hurts me far more than it does you....

Do you remember a parent or other adult saying that to you when you were a kid? I do and I could never understand it. Well now I am the parent, the adult and I do get it.

I mentioned yesterday that we have had enough of JJ's bits of unrespectful/ rude behaviour and are trying to tackle it at the moment. He has been told that if he rushes his food or does not concentrate at meal times and as a consequence he or the table/ floor gets messy then there will be no other treats/ puddings/ nice drinks that day. Also if he speaks in an unrespectful manner (ie: with Kevin the teenager attitude) or forgets his manners then I will say to him 'JJ think' and he will need to rephrase and apologise.

This has been in practice for 2 days now and both days he has lost treats etc. He did earn back the right to have a cake after dinner last night as he really helped me in a difficult situation with the twins and I told him how much I appreciated his grown up behaviour. He has also been warned numerous times for his attitude or lack of pleasantries and that seems to be working he has got better and I even got an unsolicited apology today when he thought better of the way he spoke to me.

It did hurt me yesterday and I felt a complete cow as we were at a school fete and all his friends had cakes and I would not allow him one and then he kept winning sweets and just handing them over to me. However, I have to stay strong and show him that we mean business and of course I will be completely fair. We have still had time together and cuddles and stories but there is bits he will lose out on too.

Dh took his TV out of his room today as he told a fib this morning, instead of just telling the truth. He only realised this before bed tonight and we had a big cuddle and chat whilst he sobbed for his lost TV. I explained he can earn it back over the next few weeks but that he must realise how lucky he is to have a TV at age 6. (Now for anyone reading this who only knows me a bit - do not judge - it is not on much, he asks before he watches it and as a mega active child it is useful to calm him to sit for a while and watch a bit of TV).

So that is where we are with the operation polite child! I will update you more in a few days.

Saturday, 28 November 2009

No Shouting Pact!

As the title says JJ and I have made a no shouting pact. I am terrible at shouting at the kids to get myself heard - they just feel so loud at times but most of the time the shouting does not work as they are used to it and ignore me!

I have also noticed that JJ has become terrible for shouting at the twins and they react so much better when he speaks to them lovingly. I just hear him copying me and it breaks my heart, so we all have to stop. It is amazing the ways God works to get you to listen to a message he is trying to tell you.

So we are all not shouting at the moment. He is finding it far harder than me, I suppose as an adult it is easy to stop myself and think before I act/ talk but it is much harder for a impetuous kid.

We are also working on JJ's messy eating/ hurrying/ poor manners at the table. I have had to put some serious consequences in place as the softly approach has not worked for any length of time. So now when he gets messy, rushes and spills stuff, is sitting badly, using his fingers etc he is not having anything to eat in the day other than his 3 meals with no treats, sweets, desserts, snacks, milk or anything else. It is just 3 meals and water - enough to keep him healthy.

I made a mistake!

Whoops, I have now realised why I got a D in maths at GCSE grade. I said that I have lost 40lb to get to 15st 2lb and I have not. This is a shame but not the end of the world and it was a genuine mistake. I started at 17st 9lb and have thus lost 2 stone and 7 lb. I had calculated those stones at 16lbs in each stone and I have realised this is not correct. There is of course 16oz in each lb! doh

So what I have actually lost is 35lb and I think I just got overexcited and thought it was 40lb.

Thankfully my period is practically over now and I feel more balanced, less tired and generally more sane, so hopefully I can really get my eating back on track. Like I said on Tuesday it has not been terrible but just not the wonderful abstinence I had for 2 full weeks. I was pleased yesterday that I was at the school fete for about 3.5 hours and all the 100's of cakes (yes there really was 100's) were looking truly amazing and I did manage to stay away from them all.

Tuesday, 24 November 2009

Grace in small things

How can I not do a grace post when I am feeling so incredibly grateful?

1. Watching JJ being invested into Beavers tonight. He was so excited!
2. Having a snuggle in bed with Miss E this morning.
3. That I only have to focus on one day at a time and with God's help anything is possible.
4. Watching a great Joyce Meyer DVD last night and then singing my heart out to worship songs on the way home.
5. Having now lost 40lbs!
6. Having the PTA accounts all up to date and balanced.
7. having a helpful hubbie.
8. Listening to Miss M singing Little Donkey and asking me to dance with her

Looking forward to eating moderately every day

each day I read from a book called 'For today' and the reading I had today really stirred something in me. It talked about my past life being filled with diets and that these generally had a life span, ie: you would diet for Christmas, an occasion or a holiday and when that date came you would over indulgence and the downward spiral would start again.

It mentioned the change in my thinking which makes it a pleasure to use the power of my program to eat moderately on days when excess is the norm. That is very comforting to me, I think about Christmas and wonder how I will survive this Christmas without binging. The answer is I will not buy many of the old foods that we once enjoyed and for those visiting my house I am sure they love me enough to understand that it is more important for me to appear inhospitable and not offer them excessive food and to remain abstinent.

So today I am reminded that what I was first told when I entered ED is true, that even the worst abstinent day is better than any day where I was eating to excess.

Quick update from me

Wow, just seen I have not blogged for almost a week. I wonder what I have been doing to keep me away from here? well PTA accounts mostly. It feels good to get things sorted but I do miss my blog.

I am doing pretty well, I broke my abstinence last Wednesday (period coming, broken nights sleep etc etc) and got straight back on the bandwagon on Thursday and then since then I have been on/ off/ on/off. Not doing terribly but not keeping consistent like I was. Definitely think some of it is down to it being the time of the month and wanting chocolate.

I weighed myself Sunday in the belief that I would have put on weight and instead found I had lost some. I was 15st 2lb, so this is now a total loss of 40lbs! How exciting is that?

So I am living day to day at the moment and praying for God to guide me to make wise choices and to help me be abstinent again.

Wednesday, 18 November 2009

Much better day, the dummies are back!

Things are going so much better today, not sure if it is my positive attitude or if the girls really are being behaved well. Whatever, it makes my life much easier.

We had a lovely afternoon, they both napped at the same time, we played, they let me see the auditor without being too pesky, they ate their dinner well, Miss M even ate her breakfast (a first in about 3 weeks!) they hardly squabbled and then went to bed without a single problem. Wow, can this continue.............. I sure hope so.

Don't get me wrong, there was little bits that were not great, Miss M taking the wax crayon and drawing over my glass window, she snatched things a couple of times and ran off but positive affirmation seemed to work with her today. I kept telling her how I loved her good behaviour and she kept giving me more and more.

I even manged to get two beds stripped, covers washed and put away, downstairs all cleaned and I have done some of the PTA accounts as well as working for 4 hours. Fab, fab, Fab!

I wonder if some of this good behaviour was about her having had a better or more settled sleep last night. A few times recently Miss M has asked dh and I about 'scareys' or spiders and she keeps waking in the night crying. So last night after a few nights of absolutely terrible screaming we let her have a dummy back (and of course that means Miss E got hers back too - we have to be fair). Yesterday and today she had afternoon naps and then both nights she went off to sleep without a hitch.

We went to the dentist yesterday and they gave us all a clean bill of health and said that both girls showed no sign of movement in their teeth/ jaws due to dummy usage, so that reinforced our decision to give the dummies back. Just at sleep time mind. I have been very strict that unless their head is on the pillow they can not have their dummy, so as soon as they get up, they go away until the next sleep time. Hopefully this approach will work for us, enabling us to have chilled, content and happy girls and less stressed parents. I am a much nicer person when I do not get woken in the night and have to deal with a naughty toddler all day.

Sunday, 15 November 2009

Kids! arrrgghhh


They are trying me at the moment. I am working hard to keep my temper and patience and not always succeeding!

Miss M is the worst one - so defiant, always saying no, running in the opposite direction and not wanting to eat much at the moment. She has a cold and I assume feels a little crap but with the amount of fuss she creates you would expect her leg has been cut off!

Miss E is generally a little poppet, but she can whine for Britain. Happiest left alone, her brother and sister like to take over her games, steal her toys and generally annoy her.

JJ is so absorbed in his own world it is not true. We have blocked all the TV channels again except cbeebies, Nick Junior and Disney playhouse as we find as soon as he watches stuff like power rangers, Horrid Henry his behaviour just goes off the scale. TV is like E numbers for him!

I was so pleased for them to go to bed today as I need some rest. Miss M is having me up at least once per night and then waking at 6.30am. Me and dh just never seem to get a lie in.

I have attached a cute piccie to remind myself that they are not always complete pests!

Saturday, 14 November 2009

Quick Hi

My Mum came up to see us on Wednesday and has been here since, hence the lack of posting. It is so nice to have her here. Dad is up tomorrow to collect her so that will be nice to see them both.

I just wanted to do a quick update to say that things are going pretty well here. I am trying to spend time with God each day, making sure I am reading my ED literature, praying and going to meetings. This is my 10th day of abstinence - isn't that wonderful! Thanks so much God. It is really amazing, when I stopped trying and started to purely rely on God that is when it all clicked and I am able to just eat moderately at the moment. My abstinence is no chocolate, cakes, biscuits, sweets or ice cream but I am allowing myself plenty of foods that would not normally feature on a diet, such as custard, chips, take aways etc. As long as they are planned as my meal and I only eat a moderate portion I am happy and staying within plan and doing what needs to be done to look after myself.

I weighed on Thursday morning and I was 15st 5lb, so that is another couple of pounds lost. In total I have now shed 38lbs from my heaviest weight when not pregnant. This was in December 2005. I am motivated to keep going but have to keep reminding myself this is a forever lifestyle change and not a quick fix solution and things will take a good while.

My ED meeting on Thursday was good. It was about step 4, which is where we write our fearless and searching moral inventory, so quite a scary step but I do not mind. When the time is right, I look forward to getting everything down on paper and freeing myself from some of my baggage (stuff that I do not even realise affects me).

Right off to have some blood taken now for testing for diabetes...

Tuesday, 10 November 2009

Grace in small things

Today's reason to be cheerful are -

1. I have been abstinent from the act of compulsive overeating since last Wednesday 7.30pm and I have not had any chocolate, cakes, sweets or ice cream.
2. Miss E's belly laughs
3. Miss M sleeping straight through the last 2 nights
4. JJ reading to me last night - doing 24 pages each with about 4 lines of reading. He is progressing so well now. We had his parents evening last week and they said he was polite, likable, caring and above-average bright as well as clumsy and a bit self-centered! whoops. He can't be perfect!
5. I enjoyed listening to an ED podcast this morning whilst working out at the gym
6. Work is going well at the moment, my balance between work and home is good.
7. I have an evening in tonight and I am so looking forward to it

Sunday, 8 November 2009

Still 'in the zone!'




Yep, I am still doing well. Day 4 of abstinence and it definately gets easier thanks to the grace of God. I need to be very careful I do not get complacent and start to eat things I should not. There have been challenges over the last few days but I have resisted - poppadoms at the Indian last night, no after dinner chocolate (it sat there untouched) and I did not go near the buffet table at the party either. Then today I resisted all goodies at my Mother in laws and also stopped picking my dinner when I was full, walking away from a plate of yorkshire puddings.

Here is me last night, before I was going out. I am quite pleased with how my outfit came together - what do you think of the tights now Mum?

Saturday, 7 November 2009

Calmer kids....


I have a twin mummy friend who has really chilled kids. They are happy to sit down and relax at times and I would love that. She tells me that they are chilled as she is chilled, which leads me to believe mine are hypo because I am! lol and I know really that is not far form the truth. So for the last week or so I have been trying to be more chilled and to be home more and just sit with the kids on the floor/ sofa and play, watch TV or chat and it is really worked, they seem to much more chilled out today.

The three of them are all sat on the sofa watching TV as I type, waiting in their PJ's to collect Daddy from the station in about 5 minutes (see the photo above). Yesterday me and the girls got in my bed together at 2pm and watched TV for an hour to relax, it seems a sensible solution to them having given up their daytime nap - they at least get to relax and be calm.

Friday, 6 November 2009

Food Plans

My food sponsor has gone away on holiday and I do not want to pester her, so I will write my food plan on here each day and then update it to see how I have done.

Today - 6th Nov
Plan is - porridge and 2 crumpets for brekkie, vege soup, 3 ryvita and cheese for lunch then an apple, tea is jacket potato with tuna mayo and sweetcorn and salad. Then plain yoghurt with some prunes in it.

Whoops, I have forgotten to report on my foods plans for the last couple of days but all has been going well. What I have actually eaten today (8th Nov) is -
Shreddies, 1 crumpet, banana, roast pork dinner with yorkshire puddings, scrambled eggs on 2 toast. So as you can see it is not that I am missing out on nice food, I am still eating well, just cutting out the crap.

9th Nov -
Yesterday I had - porridge, bagel, chicken salad, yoghurt, chicken and veg stir fry and a granola bar. I kept to plan! yay

10th Nov -
Plan today is - oat krunchies, bagel (whcih I have kept to so far) and planned is lunch chiken sub roll, crisps, grapes and then for tea ??? as Adam is cooking but I will stick to one moderate plate and then some tinned fruit and custard afterwards.

Keep it up Mich!

Felling good about food this morning, really going to try hard to hand it all over to God and to eat moderately and without compulsion.

I weighed this morning, I know I should not of. I will have to be very careful not to transfer my obsession from food to weight! I was 15st 7lb. This is very exciting for me, this is the least I have weighted since the 1990's. Got to keep going now - I really want to reduce the risk of all those awful diseases that I could suffer at the moment due to my excess blubber and of course I want to set a much better example to my kids.

Off out to twins club now, catch you all later.

Thursday, 5 November 2009

Yay, celebrate!

I think the chair I listened to last night at my meeting has got through to me. She was saying that you get out of this program what you put in and that we should not over complicate things. Just abstain one day at a time and it will all fall into place by the grace of God.

Well, I am celebrating my first 24 hours of proper 301 abstinence.

Today I have had - porridge and banana for breakfast. Vege soup and 3 ryvita with cheese for lunch, tea was homemade potato and onion flan with salad and after some yoghurt with prunes. I have actually really enjoyed my food today and not felt hungry at all.

Of course I have thought about food many times, I am a food addict after all but I am pleased to say that with God by my side I have been able to not pick it up.

Now for the challenge I have a friend coming over to watch a girlie DVD now and I must keep away form the food whilst she is here! I will report tomorrow. I will now go and say a quick prayer.

Wednesday, 4 November 2009

Am I making any progress?

I have been asking myself this question the last couple of days and really I have no answer. I would like to think that I am making progress and taking steps in my recovery from the disease of compulsive overeating but then some of my behaviours around food are still so illogical that I wonder. I am definitely not putting my abstinence from poor eating behaviours first yet and this shows me there is still a very long way for me to go... it is a journey. I remember as a young child asking 'are we nearly there yet?' and my Mum would tell me 'every step is a step closer' and I think that really applies here. Every mistake I make and every tiny bit of progress I make will all make a difference in a big way one day. I just need to keep working my program, handing things over to God and believing that one day the miracle will happen to me too.

I went to my ED meeting tonight and it was a very good one, we had a chair (which is where someone shares their own story in the hope of helping others). The lady that shared tonight was fab and her story was so alike mine in many ways. It has made me start to think about a number of relevant things - first going on a diet as instructed by the doctor at age 11 - I was only a size 10, not that enormous! Bigger than my peers yes, but not crazy big!

I also remember being off school with my Mum and the main thing I remember is having fish finger sandwiches together. I have no idea what we did on those days off but I know what we ate - how telling is that?

The lady spoke about how much her sponsor had helped her and that at first she could not believe that someone really did not mind her calling and asking loads of crazy/ silly questions and this is where I am right now. I do not have a full sponsor and I wonder how anyone will want to listen to my self-absorbed witterings on a regular basis. I need to get out to other meetings and see is anyone is willing to sponsor me.

I shared at the meeting tonight that I went to aqua aerobics last night and afterwards rewarded myself with a chocolate chip shortbread. In fact if I am honest that was the only thing that got me out at 8.15pm on a dark and dreary night - the lure of yummy food! My food sponsor shared with me that if I can not trust myself not to indulge when I go to aqua that I actually need to miss it for a few weeks until I have given over my will enough to God that I can resist. This was a real revelation to me, I had no idea but it does make sense now I think about it.

She also said that anything I put on my food plan in the morning, I must make sure I eat and not try not to have it to avoid calories. Doing so is generally a false economy as I then feel hungry before my next meal and am tempted to pick.

So I know what I have to do - 3 meals in the day, keep the food within the meal time and not try to hang out the pudding so it becomes a snack rather than part of the meal and lastly I need to avoid situations where I think I will be tempted to eat. This may mean to exercise or cinema or going out but we are only talking a month or so, so not the rest of my life! I do need to get a handle on this eating and after 6 months of being in the program I ought to start making a bit more progress really.

So please Lord help me to be willing to do the above. teach me to be kind to myself and help those around me to be understanding of my needs around food. Amen

Monday, 2 November 2009

Grace in small things

1. I got so much stuff done round the house today, I feel all up to date!
2. Miss M has been so much more manageable today, I think the consistency with the naughty step is working.
3. I had a lovely hour alone with Miss E yesterday. We went to the library and John Lewis and she was such a poppet, real easy going.
4. I enjoyed my day with JJ today and he behaved superbly.
5. I have caught up with lots of good TV tonight and there is still Ugly Betty to go.
6. It was great to see my family over the weekend.
7. JJ sung his heart out at church parade on Sunday and we were very proud of him.
8. I have made some wise choices around food today.

How about you? Take 5 minutes to think about all the small things you have to be grateful for.

How great is my hubbie!





I have just downloaded some photos off the camera onto the PC and came across lots of lovely photos that I had no idea where there. Some from a day dh had out with the girls when I was at work a couple of weeks ago and some from his day to London with JJ last week. Thought I would upload some photos and show you that my kids have a fab Daddy and it is so lovely to know that I can leave all the kids with him and he and they are happy and content.

Thanks Ads. Love you. xx

Sunday, 1 November 2009

She is soooo challenging!

For those of you who know my kids well, that title will be easy to decipher! Yes I am talking about Miss M.

Boy, is she challenging! So many times today she has been on the naughty step, we used to count to five for her to remove herself from her naughty activity and if she did not she went on the step, we have had to take it down to 3 as she is so clever and defiant that she is always leaving it until the very last moment.

Some of the naughtiness we have had today - dragging a pencil as hard as she could across one of my leather sofas, knocking a chair over onto Miss E's head, 'cleaning' my dining room chairs with orange squash and wipes, cleaning my loo seat with the bath sponge, cleaning her toy cooker with yet more orange, stealing toys from E, not listening to dh and I about various things, drawing over my dining room cabinet with felt pens, chucking bits of dinner on the floor............... need I go on! She really tires me out. Thank Goodness dh and I were both about today.

She is definitely the most defiant of all our 3 kids. Hopefully this is just the testing terrible twos and as she learns boundaries and the fact that dh and I are constant with her consequences means that she will start to tow the line a little. Am I hoping too much?

Saturday, 31 October 2009

Good Morning

Morning. Here I am blogging very early in the morning, which is unusual but quite nice. We are down at my Mum and Dad's at the moment and all the kids have decided to wake pretty early, but after a good nights sleep I can not really complain. The girls have decided that in the main afternoon naps are not for them anymore and thus have been going to bed earlier the last few nights - in fact asleep by 7pm, rather than the 8pm it had seemed to have stretched too without any effort from A or I. Of course the consequences of them being asleep by 7pm if that they are then pretty much awake by 6am.

Last night me and the girls slept in a double bed all together and it worked OK. I would of slept on the floor if I needed to but luckily I am good at sleeping on my side on the edge of the bed. As I said they slept right through and seemed happy to be close to their mummy. My original plan had been to have the girls top and tail in a single bed but that was definitely too much to expect of just 2 year olds.

The night before Miss E fell asleep in the single bed and Miss M fell asleep in the double bed, so I slept with M and she woke me numerous times! and poor little E also woke numerous times and cried out, this is really unlike her and it was only much later yesterday that I realised this is the first time E has ever slept on her own. I expect she awoke and did not hear any breathing from anyone else and wondered what was going on. I suppose it must be daunting to sleep in a room on your own if you have never done it. Having JJ I am used to one of my kids sleeping on their own and did not have second thought about it but for the girls it must be a big deal.

So now my brother is back living at home with my parents for a while, this is the future of our sleeping arrangements, me feeling bad as Mum and Dad have been kicked downstairs onto a blow up bed (although it does look very comfy). The girls and I all snuggled up together and JJ in his normal bed. It has worked far better than I thought it would. I was really looking forward to coming to see my parents but there was some anxiety about how the sleeping arrangements would work out and like everything I should of known just to trust the Lord and that it will all come good.

So no idea what the day has in store for us. May try and find a soft play somewhere so the kids can run some energy off as the weather looks pretty drab. Back to see dh tonight and JJ has his first Brigade parade tomorrow at our local church. Lets hope that is good.

Tuesday, 27 October 2009

Grace in small things

1. I have been to the gym this morning and burned off a ton of calories
2. I forgot my shoes and I am sitting here wearing sparkly white trainers with my black suit! lol No I am not particularly grateful for that but I am so grateful at God's work to change my attitude. A few years back if this had happened to me it would have been a big deal and I would of stomped around and been agro about it but today I am serene and smiling!
3. My kids are at home enjoying time with Daddy today.
4. I had a great house group session last night. What a wonderful bunch of ladies. Thank you Lord.
5. I am going to see my Mummy and Daddy on Thursday - yay I can not wait. It must be about a month since I last saw them.
6. Today I am abstinent and my attitude around food has been so much better for the last few days.

Right to do some work now and then off out at lunch time to treat myself to a nice new pair of black shoes...

Saturday, 24 October 2009

A few good days

I am feeling pretty happy right now. I have had a couple of really good days. I met a friend in recovery on Thursday and that has been such a great help to me. Thursday and Friday I did what my meetings term as 301 - 3 meals a day, nothing in between and taking 1 day at a time. My food sponsor is also such an inspiration to me, giving me such invaluable advice and coaching each day. I think that is wonderful that someone is willing to give me 10 minutes every day to help me along the road to recovery. One day I will be able to offer that help to someone else and that is why this program of fellowship works. Have you seen the film 'pay it forward'? No, you should it is such a feel good film and if everyone worked that system in real life we would have no problems. Such an idealist! lol

The new meeting I have been going to the last few weeks also has lady there who could be a potential sponsor. I need to have a chat with her and take things as they come. I have accepted that God was obviously shutting the door to the treatment centre that I called. There must be other people who need it more........ but that is OK as I am doing fine right now and all I have to focus on is today. It is when I start to project and worry ahead that things go tits up!

Monday, 19 October 2009

Grace in small things

It is that time again! Always good to be positive...

1. I have a wonderful food sponsor, who is offering me invaluable help with the eating problem/ obsession
2. I really enjoyed my aqua session today and worked like a trojan
3. I had a great time at the park yesterday with dh and the kids - loads of fun!
4. I have got a few bits of stuff done tonight and ticked off the to do list
5. I am looking forward to running the recruitment and selection training course for the next couple of days
6. I looked at a photo last night from April 2006 and wow I am so grateful to be 2 stone lighter now than I was then. That was a big double chin!

Operation Goodbye Dummies


So having failed the first attempt at the goodbye nappy operation we have moved on to goodbye dummy.

Saturday tea I instigated the conversation with dh of when we were going to get rid of the dummies. Next thing I know he is telling the girls their dummies have gone to nannies for new babies and they are big girls now. Wow, that was quick!

They were only having their dummies at nap and night times for the last 6 months or so, so they have got used to that but I have noticed that they have reappeared a bit more at the 5/6pm witching hour just recently.

So we have had 3 nights now without dummies and they have missed them and getting them to sleep has been difficult as they keep asking for their beloved friends but we will get there and dh and I are quite adamant that this is the end and there will be no more 'dum dums' in this house. You have to stop at some point - right!

So tonight I pray that Miss M sleeps through the night and does not wake every 30-45 minutes like she did last night. At 2.30am ending up with her head on my pillow (shhh I enjoyed the snuggle with her!).

Yesterday they raided their change bag at Nannies house and found 2 dummies we had not removed (whoops) and both popped them in their mouse, like a smoker who could not wait for their next fix, until mean mummy told them they were yuck and broken, both girls pulled them out of their mouths like I had said they had a snake in their and we ran to the bin and chucked them in there with big shouts of yuck! Very symbolic and I suppose at least they know they are not accessible now. They keep telling me that 'dum dums in the dustbin, dirty!'
Enjoy the piccies of my beautiful girls snuggling up for the night without their dummies! Miss E at the top and Miss M below her.

Operation Goodbye nappy - attempt 1 - failed!

That is it - we have given up on Miss M's potty training for now. There is only so many changes of clothes that we can do in one day. She went to nursery today for the full day and they changed her 6 times! She ran them out of spare clothes!

So we will give it a month or so and try again. I am secretly really quite happy with that. All that extra washing and worrying and having to go to the loo every 15 minutes as she constantly does the worlds tinniest wees! Over for a bit.

To be continued.....

Friday, 16 October 2009

That Friday Feeling

Yep today I am feeling good and if it wasn't for the fact that I have a food obsession I would be saying 'thank crunchie it is Friday'!

Yesterday my food was good, today so far it has been even better and I pray to continue with this good behaviour. Eating what is on my plan, reaching out when I am down, attending meetings, writing about my feelings and generally being upbeat.

My weight this morning was 15st 10lb and for someone who has had many out of control days in the last week or so I was extremely thankful to God for that.

Potty Training

errrrr not my most favourite of subjects. Miss M thinks she is already and nursery said the same for her. So Wednesday I decided we really ought to give it a good go and see how it works. I decided a week would be a fair trial.

Weds - day 1 - she was at nursery all morning, there was 4 accidents in the day
Thurs - day 2 - with me but we went to toddler, school run, a friends, so a busy little girl. 4 accidents, one of which was a sloppy poo! (yep tmi, sorry)
Fri - day 3 - 4 accidents, 2 poo ones today!

So all we have achieved so far is her being completely pleased that she is getting to drag me to the toilet every 10 mins and she loves her big girl pants but really she is recognising the need to go less than she was a couple of months back. Also this pooing in her pants lark -what is that about?

I really can't believe she can manage to pee every 10 - 30 minutes, every time I put her on a toilet or potty she can produce! yet about 3 weeks back we had a nappy free afternoon, where in 4 hours she went just 3 times and asked me each time to go - no accidents!

I know that we really need a week or so to just stay home and leave her without pants and let her go without distractions but that is not easy when I work and we always have the school runs to do as a minimum.

So I will keep persevering for the next few days and see how things go. I want to just say she is not ready and give up but I suppose I should give her a fair shot and at least keep to my week commitment.

So, this saga is to be continued.........

Monday, 12 October 2009

Taking time to be thankful





(Above the kids having fun at the park and left my crafty collage from the weekend away).

I am in a completely different place today to what I was last Thursday, thank God (literally!).

I am extremely blessed and for today I can see that and I am enjoying all the wonderful things around me. I am remaining calm and unstressed and just enjoying having some time to myself to catch up on jobs that need doing and are so hard to complete with 3 small people in tow! The girls are at nursery, JJ is at school and I have another 1.5 hours before I collect him but instead of feeling that is not enough and worrying about that (that I normally would) today I am looking forward to seeing my boy and taking him for a hair cut and then having a play for a while before we collect the girls. Once the girls are collected we are all having a KFC treat on the way home and that means no cooking or clearing for me! yay A is at work and won't be home until about 11pm so tonight I will take the opportunity to catch up on some TV while doing the ironing and getting some ebay bits sorted and photographed.

So how have I changed so much in a few days? well as always it is by the grace of God. I went to ED last Thursday night and was able to rant and uncoil and then a good sleep does me the world of good so by the time I woke Friday I was ready to tackle the world. The girls and I met some good friends at soft play and I enjoyed sliding and crawling around with them, actually taking the time to enjoy them rather than being self-centered and just chatting with the other mummy. Then at 2pm off I went with a friend to Ely, leaving dh with the kids for the weekend. Yep completely selfish but so necessary and I have changed over the weekend. Prayer, reflection, time alone, meditation, sharing and some crafty therapy have grounded and calmed me and I have taken perspective and know my babes and A are the most important things.

I returned at 2pm on Sunday to a fab chorus of 'Mummy', then all the family went out shopping (the kids behaved just lovely) and we went to the park for the kids to run off some energy. What a fun couple of hours dh and I had, we played tag, had a walk through the woods, did piggy backs (with the kids - not each other!!! lmao), Miss M and I laid on the grass and watch ed the clouds and then JJ joined us to watch the planes. We met and petted loads of dogs and basically had a fun time laughing our socks off. errr why do we not do this more often? It cost nothing and everyone had a great time. Must make a mental note.

Sunday, 11 October 2009

A quick update

Hey all, I will blog properly tomorrow but just a quick word, as I know some of you read this and worry about me. I am fine and dandy! I have just been away for the weekend since 2pm Friday, only returning today at 2pm, so 48 hours of child free time and yes for once I did miss the kids and dh too and I was pleased to come home. I had the most amazing of weekends and I will tell you all about it tomorrow for now I am off to finish my Indian and chat to my lovely hubby, who was again left holding the babies this weekend! lol

Friday, 9 October 2009

What I have learnt in the last couple of days...

1. That I am completely self-absorbed, selfish and self centered! This came as a complete revelation to me yesterday. I was reading a sheet about step 1, it was called the unmanagability test (and yes my life is very unmanagable right now, especially yesterday - boy was I out of control!) and it really tested my thinking. I realised that all my controlling behaviour and my bad behaviour towards my kids when I get cross because they are not conforming to what I want are due to me being self-centered. As a Christian, or even just as a good human-being I should be striving to help others and to offer myself in that way instead of trying to ensure the world revolves around Michelle. Big learning and not one I am proud of, but it is a step forward...

2. That I hit my kids too much. Doesn't that sound awful? I am ashamed to put that. I must make a note here that when I say hit I do not mean punch or really hurt or anything. I mean tap/slap on the hand, bum or leg. The logic being a short sharp shock to encourage them not to do the bad behaviour again. What am I really teaching them? that it is OK to hit each other and that Mummy is modelling that rubbish behaviour. I know that I hit out when I feel out of control and do not know how to deal with the situation or my head of elsewhere and we are short of time. I have to STOP it, it is crazy and disgusting behaviour and it does not even work. I need to show more love and to do tat by giving the kids more time and forgetting some other not so important stuff. So yes you may find I post on here even less.

3. That I forget so much I have already learned. I went through loads of church stuff last night - sermons I have written, service plans I have performed and kids church stuff I had put together and I realised I had forgotten loads of the key teachings of just 3 or 4 years ago. I really do feel I am on an exploratory journey at the moment to find out who I am and that I am learning some good and bad stuff and that at the end I will be confident enough to have my own set of rules to live to and because I will be out of the food I will act sanely and lovingly towards others.

4. That saying in bed for an extra bit is not really of any help at all in the scheme of things! Yesterday I did not bother to set my alarm, now I do not know if this is because I am feeling a bit down, lethargic and have lost my enthusiasm for life right now or if I just thought a lie-in would be helpful. Whatever, it did not work. I got up after 7.30am and by the time I had showered and dressed etc it was gone 8am with me taking all the kids downstairs. That is just too late for a school day. We ended up having to run to school (something we did loads last academic year and have not done yet this year, until yesterday!) Then the day went from bad to worse as I ran about everywhere I needed to. My pushchair snapped in half (yep you read that right!) whilst pushed the girls around and generally it was a shit day. It was only going to ED last night that I got some perspective and was sane enough to be able to set my alarm for 6.20am this morning and get up after just 6.5 hours sleep. I am sitting here at the PC, already having prayed, planned my food for the day, enjoyed a cup of tea and sorted some stuff in the garage. The kids have just woken and I feel ready for the day. A day when I commit to never lash out at my kids again. That behaviour is unacceptable and gone forever. (Please Lord).

I would love to wrote more, but the kids are awake and seeing as I said I wanted to be less selfish I should go and have a cuddle. xx

Sunday, 4 October 2009

This parenting lark isn't too easy!








I have been wanting to write this entry for ages. I have had the title in my head and even about 2 weeks ago I had some things I wanted to say! lol Today I feel a bit of a brain block but I am hoping that if I start typing, it will all come flowing out....

Being a parent is really tough, or should I say striving to be a semi-decent parent is really tough. The actual having sex, making a baby and even having that said baby was easy by comparison.

How do you influence these little people in a good way? Well the best thing would be to live a saintly life and never to show the many character defects that I have and to show them by example how to be a well-rounded adult with a good sense of fun and responsibility. One problem - I would have to be living that myself to be able to show them and I am very much an imperfect being. I get stressed, anxious, cross, irrational - I shout and sometimes I even lash out in anger. I am not at all proud of some of the ways I behave but I am sane enough to know that I am not the worst parent out there and nor am I the best. So I think the facts that I am very aware of the need to grow emotionally and spiritually to enhance my character, and also that I am working the 12 steps to try and be a better person will mean that I am doing the best I can for my small people. At the end of the day, the best I can do is all I can offer!

Well that is not the route I intended this post to take! lol My original plan for this blog entry was to talk about some of the things that are really testing me at the moment - like Miss M's defiance or Miss E's whinging or even JJ's lack of listening and learning skills. How many times can you take something away from a child or show them their actions have consequences without them learning at all! absolutely loads is the answer in our house. What I have remembered from this exercise is that we are supposed to praise the good and ignore the bad. So whilst I had been acting on the naughty stuff he had been getting attention that way, rather than praising him for the good stuff. So Thursday we started a reward chart again and yes his behaviour has been much better - bingo! Sometimes us parents just have to stop and pause or pray so that we have time to think and clear our heads to see what a good solution to the problem may be.

Also today, I had the stair gate open to the kitchen and Miss E was able to come in and help me unload the dishwasher = no whinging! I forget how much they love me, I am the center of their world and they just want to be with me all the time and to help me. I should be flattered and yet sometimes I am just short-tempered and trying to get on with chores whilst shouting shhhh!

I need to remember that my babes are the most important things in my life (along with dh) and that I should show them that. xxx

ahhhhhhh...

...that is me sighing a big breath of relief that I am home.

We went to Church this morning as the pastor and his wife are moving onto another church. We will be so sorry to see them go as they are very welcoming and inspirational. The Pastor's teaching will be very missed. In fact he was one of the main reasons we kept coming back to the Church when we first visited in June last year.

Anyway we had the service, we prayed over the pastor and his wife, I shed a tear, the kids had a good play in creche and children's church and Jacob got sung Happy Birthday to and received a nice new kiddies bible. Then it was time for the bring and share lunch - which looked fabulous. They decided to do the service table by table, which is a sensible idea but three small kids and an hour later it did not seem to sensible to us. Boy were the girls tired, bored and restless - running about everywhere and driving dh and I mad. By the time we needed to go up and get food there was not so much left, the kids were starving and dh did not want to eat - he is veggie and I think it just felt too much hassle. As we ate the kids were naughty and generally overtired. I got to breaking point and announced we were leaving. Packed all the kids up, cleared the table, grabbed JJ's birthday cake from the kitchen (yes it is his birthday and of course he could not understand why he was not first up there getting his food as he was the special 6 year old boy!) and left. I did not make a big scene before you worry. I quietly let the organiser know the girls were tired and no need to do JJ's cake. It is a real shame I did not get to give Phil and Elaine a cuddle but I have emailed and given them a card so I trust they know how much we will miss them and of course they have hundred's of people to hug today.

I dropped JJ and dh at the Galleria and they have gone to see Toy Story 3D, he will enjoy this much more than Church. He is then having a McDonalds after and we are going to pop into nanny and Grandad's to do his cake. Then home for some lego making as he got the toy of his dreams - the lego fire station. It was all he wanted and he was so overjoyed to receive it this morning.

Dh and I are going to enjoy a take away tonight and chill out together.

Tuesday, 29 September 2009

Acting 'as if'

One of the things the program teaches us is to act 'as if'. This basically means that if I do not buy into something/ believe it I can act as if I do and eventually it will sit right with me and I will subscribe.

I keep reading and being told that I have to go 301 in regards to my eating. This basically stands for - 3 meals per day, nothing in between and living one day at a time.

At first I wondered how I would ever do this, as snacks are so important to me. Trying to get through 4 or 5 hours to get to the next proper meal is a form of torture I believe! and I just could not see the logic of why this would help me.

Today I am willing to say 'hands up, I have no belief this will work but it does for loads of people with ED's and thus I am going to give up my will and try it'. Yippie - I have got through from breakfast to lunch and just had my lunch. So now I have to get through until about 5.30pm when I can eat my tea. My breakfast and lunch have been much bigger than normal - they have to be to get me through and whilst they have not been wild food choices, like chocolate or anything they have not been sensible low calorie/ low fat choices either. My food sponsor tells me that if I can get 301 established and get my body used to it, I can then start to look at the portion sizes and the food choices I am making. You never know maybe this is a far better way to slimming and certainly it will remove my constant obsession with where my next meal is coming from.

Monday, 28 September 2009

Feeling stressed...

It was one of those days today. I got to work after shitty traffic, remembered I had a meeting I did not want to attend at work, got handed over a load of work as my colleague had to be out all week and then just felt truly stressed. No good reason for it - but it happens sometimes - doesn't it?

I did pretty well all morning, got through the meeting, did some menial work and then went off at 12 noon to do my aqua. I enjoyed aqua and worked really hard. I resisted the call of the chocolate chip shortbread on the way back to work and had an apple instead. Then again back at work I felt stressed and this time gave in to the food. It has got worse and worse all day. I do not even want to type here what I have eaten - it was sooo much. I would love to just be hiding right now, but I know that is a downward spiral, so I am typing this and I will text my food sponsor and then I will start working through the massive pile of ironing that needs doing.

Also stressing me is the fact that I have not got to clean the bathroom today, which is something I always do when I get home from work on a Monday, but tonight A was not home and by the time the kids were bathed and read to, it was practically 8pm and I wanted my tea. I know these things are not important but I do struggle with not hitting targets.

I am already thinking about tomorrow and normally I do something before work - gym or swim and already I thinking I can not be bothered. I pray I wake in a better and more positive mood tomorrow so I can find the energy and enthusiasm to do some exercise. Maybe I will go to aqua in the evening instead, but then I worry that I will not get to clean the bathroom. How sad is that - to worry about cleaning. Surely living is more important!

Sunday, 27 September 2009

Grace in small things...

A quick dose of happy thoughts!

1. I enjoyed myself at the boot sale with JJ today and he was made up with his booty from selling some of his toys (lego, meccano, books and the game of mousetrap have entered our house!)
2. The kids are all in bed and I am able to relax with A and just be......
3. The PTA has a new bigger committee which should make all our lives easier.
4. JJ's new teacher at school seems ace
5. I bought some gorgeous purple patent shoes and a purple satin top ready for my Xmas nights out in December - just gorgeous!
6. It was super having Mum to stay and lovely to see Rich when he came to collect her. Roll on 29th Oct when we go to stay with them.
7. I am looking forward to work and my aqua class tomorrow

Ok, all loved up now, catch you soon. xx

I'm here, I'm OK!

Hey all, Sorry not to be blogging much. I am totally busy at the moment. I am enjoying it though, it is nice things - like my Mum being here to visit for 5 days, doing stuff for the PTA, playing with the kids, doing a boot sale, washing the car - Ok maybe not all enjoyable! lol but real life!

I weighed on Thursday and I was 15st 10lb or was it 9lb - I can not even remember now, but I know it was a loss and I was very chuffed. My having a food sponsor is helping me alot, making me think things through and helping me to realise the importance of 3 meals a day and life in between. It is a complete retraining of the mind to move from small meals and healthy snacks as taught by diet clubs to 3 large meals per day and being free of food obsessing in between. I have not actually made a pure day with just 3 meals yet but very close, so I am confident it will come soon.

I am so open to handing over my problems, troubles and decisions to God that the miracle of abstinence must be close. I bet I sound like a religious nutter to anyone who reads this and does not know me very well and in fact I wonder what one of my best friends (on the other side of the world) thinks of my faith and how much I chat about it on here. As the last time we saw each other I had only been a Christian for a few months and it certainly did not guide my life and decisions in the way it does now. I think I am a far nicer person for being a Christian, less critical, less judgemental and more forgiving...... but there is a long way to go and soon I will have to do the step 4 inventory and write my life story, detailing all those people I have done wrong to. Very scary stuff!!! Even more scary I then have to actually tell someone else about it and hand it all over to God and then go and make physical amends to those people. Not ready to take that step yet but I am confident I will get there.

Saturday, 19 September 2009

For today...

I have read 2 very good readings in the last few days. It is a if they are being written for me.

The first was about the program I am following not being an academic discipline and no amount of academic type reading/ studying will cure me of my compulsive overeating. It is in the room with all the other compulsive overeaters that I will find true understanding and start to be able to conquer this disease with God's help.

The second reading states 'There is no need to separate myself from the world to stay abstinent, nor must I submit to those influences that can destroy me. Neither I nor anyone I love needs junk food.' I seriously must remember that and stop giving it to my beloved babies.... need I say more?

Quick update

I really need to go to bed....it is late and there is football playing in the background! arrgghh how did that happen?

As the title says I wanted to do a quick update. At ED on Thursday I asked one of the ladies to be my food sponsor and I text her my food plan each day and have to tell her when I go off track. It is helping so far. I feel far less obsessed today and have not been picking. So many times today I have remembered not to eat just for the sake of it, or without thinking. Last night I went out to the pub and avoided wine and crisps all night - I was very encouraged by that too.

GLORY TO GOD! for it is him doing it, rather than I.

I pray this continues and I can start to be healed of this disease and start to loose some weight and become more healthy and less of an obese death trap.

Tuesday, 15 September 2009

Kiddie Update

My babies are no longer babies! boo hoo If I was to ask them, they would tell me 'my a big girl!'.

The girls are now practically 26 months -

E has turned into a Mummy's girl and constantly asks 'Mummy coming', this is a real turnaround. She is still very sweet natured and has the most gorgeous glossy strawberry blond hair, in a Purdy (think Avengers) style. She is petite and very dainty. Often found crying or whinging as JJ has been too rough or M has stolen a toy from her. Give her a box of make believe toys and she would sit there for ages and play without a care in the world, happy with her own company. E has taken to mothering M and when M is crying she will come over and stroke her.

M is quite different - loud and vivacious, she is a female JJ. The most stunning white blonde hair which is all flyaway and quite messy but cute. She loves constant attention and wants everything that everyone else has, especially her twin. Her doll is her favourite at the moment, feeding it, changing nappies, pushing in the buggy etc etc. She is also often found wearing my shoes, a definite shoe fetish in the making.

JJ seems so grown up now. Just a few weeks away from being 6, we see a bit of attitude at times but a gentle word reminds him he is a child and he apologises and steps back in line. Being too tired can send him over the top and a crying hissy fit can emerge but again within a short time he is back to his loving self. School always describe him as a gentle giant, clumsy but very caring. He has a fab imagination and loves to do crafts and cookery. I really enjoy spending time with him and Saturday nights with X factor and popcorn is a feature for our house, then at other times of the year it is hi and Dad watching Doctor Who or Robin Hood together in bed and having some time together. JJ has just started Beaver and dh is helping to lead it, they are both enjoying themselves together and long may it last. I love seeing my husband being such a fab Dad to our kids.

Please feel free to share...