Monday 30 November 2009

Update on me and my eating!

I feel a bit out of control at the moment, I got up later than I wanted to this morning - did not do my daily reading. Missed my aqua at lunchtime today due to a meeting overrunning and have eaten too much today, perhaps the result of no food plan. So tomorrow, I pray for a better day, I expect I have regained a lb or 2 in the last week, unfortunately things do move that quickly for me, so I need to focus and hand it over to God in the hope of regaining my abstinence.

I have planned a swim before work tomorrow so that will give me some thinking and praying time in the water and lunch is already prepared so there is no reason to go off track.

Wish me luck.....

A better day

I am pleased to report that today JJ stayed fairly clean at school and he got his pudding after tea. I only observed him being slightly rude once today to Miss E and when I corrected him there was no arguments and an apology to E, so hopefully things are sinking in. At bed time I gave him a big hug and let him know I was really pleased with his progress today. He says he is going to try hard again tomorrow - lets hope so.

Sunday 29 November 2009

This hurts me far more than it does you....

Do you remember a parent or other adult saying that to you when you were a kid? I do and I could never understand it. Well now I am the parent, the adult and I do get it.

I mentioned yesterday that we have had enough of JJ's bits of unrespectful/ rude behaviour and are trying to tackle it at the moment. He has been told that if he rushes his food or does not concentrate at meal times and as a consequence he or the table/ floor gets messy then there will be no other treats/ puddings/ nice drinks that day. Also if he speaks in an unrespectful manner (ie: with Kevin the teenager attitude) or forgets his manners then I will say to him 'JJ think' and he will need to rephrase and apologise.

This has been in practice for 2 days now and both days he has lost treats etc. He did earn back the right to have a cake after dinner last night as he really helped me in a difficult situation with the twins and I told him how much I appreciated his grown up behaviour. He has also been warned numerous times for his attitude or lack of pleasantries and that seems to be working he has got better and I even got an unsolicited apology today when he thought better of the way he spoke to me.

It did hurt me yesterday and I felt a complete cow as we were at a school fete and all his friends had cakes and I would not allow him one and then he kept winning sweets and just handing them over to me. However, I have to stay strong and show him that we mean business and of course I will be completely fair. We have still had time together and cuddles and stories but there is bits he will lose out on too.

Dh took his TV out of his room today as he told a fib this morning, instead of just telling the truth. He only realised this before bed tonight and we had a big cuddle and chat whilst he sobbed for his lost TV. I explained he can earn it back over the next few weeks but that he must realise how lucky he is to have a TV at age 6. (Now for anyone reading this who only knows me a bit - do not judge - it is not on much, he asks before he watches it and as a mega active child it is useful to calm him to sit for a while and watch a bit of TV).

So that is where we are with the operation polite child! I will update you more in a few days.

Saturday 28 November 2009

No Shouting Pact!

As the title says JJ and I have made a no shouting pact. I am terrible at shouting at the kids to get myself heard - they just feel so loud at times but most of the time the shouting does not work as they are used to it and ignore me!

I have also noticed that JJ has become terrible for shouting at the twins and they react so much better when he speaks to them lovingly. I just hear him copying me and it breaks my heart, so we all have to stop. It is amazing the ways God works to get you to listen to a message he is trying to tell you.

So we are all not shouting at the moment. He is finding it far harder than me, I suppose as an adult it is easy to stop myself and think before I act/ talk but it is much harder for a impetuous kid.

We are also working on JJ's messy eating/ hurrying/ poor manners at the table. I have had to put some serious consequences in place as the softly approach has not worked for any length of time. So now when he gets messy, rushes and spills stuff, is sitting badly, using his fingers etc he is not having anything to eat in the day other than his 3 meals with no treats, sweets, desserts, snacks, milk or anything else. It is just 3 meals and water - enough to keep him healthy.

I made a mistake!

Whoops, I have now realised why I got a D in maths at GCSE grade. I said that I have lost 40lb to get to 15st 2lb and I have not. This is a shame but not the end of the world and it was a genuine mistake. I started at 17st 9lb and have thus lost 2 stone and 7 lb. I had calculated those stones at 16lbs in each stone and I have realised this is not correct. There is of course 16oz in each lb! doh

So what I have actually lost is 35lb and I think I just got overexcited and thought it was 40lb.

Thankfully my period is practically over now and I feel more balanced, less tired and generally more sane, so hopefully I can really get my eating back on track. Like I said on Tuesday it has not been terrible but just not the wonderful abstinence I had for 2 full weeks. I was pleased yesterday that I was at the school fete for about 3.5 hours and all the 100's of cakes (yes there really was 100's) were looking truly amazing and I did manage to stay away from them all.

Tuesday 24 November 2009

Grace in small things

How can I not do a grace post when I am feeling so incredibly grateful?

1. Watching JJ being invested into Beavers tonight. He was so excited!
2. Having a snuggle in bed with Miss E this morning.
3. That I only have to focus on one day at a time and with God's help anything is possible.
4. Watching a great Joyce Meyer DVD last night and then singing my heart out to worship songs on the way home.
5. Having now lost 40lbs!
6. Having the PTA accounts all up to date and balanced.
7. having a helpful hubbie.
8. Listening to Miss M singing Little Donkey and asking me to dance with her

Looking forward to eating moderately every day

each day I read from a book called 'For today' and the reading I had today really stirred something in me. It talked about my past life being filled with diets and that these generally had a life span, ie: you would diet for Christmas, an occasion or a holiday and when that date came you would over indulgence and the downward spiral would start again.

It mentioned the change in my thinking which makes it a pleasure to use the power of my program to eat moderately on days when excess is the norm. That is very comforting to me, I think about Christmas and wonder how I will survive this Christmas without binging. The answer is I will not buy many of the old foods that we once enjoyed and for those visiting my house I am sure they love me enough to understand that it is more important for me to appear inhospitable and not offer them excessive food and to remain abstinent.

So today I am reminded that what I was first told when I entered ED is true, that even the worst abstinent day is better than any day where I was eating to excess.

Quick update from me

Wow, just seen I have not blogged for almost a week. I wonder what I have been doing to keep me away from here? well PTA accounts mostly. It feels good to get things sorted but I do miss my blog.

I am doing pretty well, I broke my abstinence last Wednesday (period coming, broken nights sleep etc etc) and got straight back on the bandwagon on Thursday and then since then I have been on/ off/ on/off. Not doing terribly but not keeping consistent like I was. Definitely think some of it is down to it being the time of the month and wanting chocolate.

I weighed myself Sunday in the belief that I would have put on weight and instead found I had lost some. I was 15st 2lb, so this is now a total loss of 40lbs! How exciting is that?

So I am living day to day at the moment and praying for God to guide me to make wise choices and to help me be abstinent again.

Wednesday 18 November 2009

Much better day, the dummies are back!

Things are going so much better today, not sure if it is my positive attitude or if the girls really are being behaved well. Whatever, it makes my life much easier.

We had a lovely afternoon, they both napped at the same time, we played, they let me see the auditor without being too pesky, they ate their dinner well, Miss M even ate her breakfast (a first in about 3 weeks!) they hardly squabbled and then went to bed without a single problem. Wow, can this continue.............. I sure hope so.

Don't get me wrong, there was little bits that were not great, Miss M taking the wax crayon and drawing over my glass window, she snatched things a couple of times and ran off but positive affirmation seemed to work with her today. I kept telling her how I loved her good behaviour and she kept giving me more and more.

I even manged to get two beds stripped, covers washed and put away, downstairs all cleaned and I have done some of the PTA accounts as well as working for 4 hours. Fab, fab, Fab!

I wonder if some of this good behaviour was about her having had a better or more settled sleep last night. A few times recently Miss M has asked dh and I about 'scareys' or spiders and she keeps waking in the night crying. So last night after a few nights of absolutely terrible screaming we let her have a dummy back (and of course that means Miss E got hers back too - we have to be fair). Yesterday and today she had afternoon naps and then both nights she went off to sleep without a hitch.

We went to the dentist yesterday and they gave us all a clean bill of health and said that both girls showed no sign of movement in their teeth/ jaws due to dummy usage, so that reinforced our decision to give the dummies back. Just at sleep time mind. I have been very strict that unless their head is on the pillow they can not have their dummy, so as soon as they get up, they go away until the next sleep time. Hopefully this approach will work for us, enabling us to have chilled, content and happy girls and less stressed parents. I am a much nicer person when I do not get woken in the night and have to deal with a naughty toddler all day.

Sunday 15 November 2009

Kids! arrrgghhh

They are trying me at the moment. I am working hard to keep my temper and patience and not always succeeding!

Miss M is the worst one - so defiant, always saying no, running in the opposite direction and not wanting to eat much at the moment. She has a cold and I assume feels a little crap but with the amount of fuss she creates you would expect her leg has been cut off!

Miss E is generally a little poppet, but she can whine for Britain. Happiest left alone, her brother and sister like to take over her games, steal her toys and generally annoy her.

JJ is so absorbed in his own world it is not true. We have blocked all the TV channels again except cbeebies, Nick Junior and Disney playhouse as we find as soon as he watches stuff like power rangers, Horrid Henry his behaviour just goes off the scale. TV is like E numbers for him!

I was so pleased for them to go to bed today as I need some rest. Miss M is having me up at least once per night and then waking at 6.30am. Me and dh just never seem to get a lie in.

I have attached a cute piccie to remind myself that they are not always complete pests!

Saturday 14 November 2009

Quick Hi

My Mum came up to see us on Wednesday and has been here since, hence the lack of posting. It is so nice to have her here. Dad is up tomorrow to collect her so that will be nice to see them both.

I just wanted to do a quick update to say that things are going pretty well here. I am trying to spend time with God each day, making sure I am reading my ED literature, praying and going to meetings. This is my 10th day of abstinence - isn't that wonderful! Thanks so much God. It is really amazing, when I stopped trying and started to purely rely on God that is when it all clicked and I am able to just eat moderately at the moment. My abstinence is no chocolate, cakes, biscuits, sweets or ice cream but I am allowing myself plenty of foods that would not normally feature on a diet, such as custard, chips, take aways etc. As long as they are planned as my meal and I only eat a moderate portion I am happy and staying within plan and doing what needs to be done to look after myself.

I weighed on Thursday morning and I was 15st 5lb, so that is another couple of pounds lost. In total I have now shed 38lbs from my heaviest weight when not pregnant. This was in December 2005. I am motivated to keep going but have to keep reminding myself this is a forever lifestyle change and not a quick fix solution and things will take a good while.

My ED meeting on Thursday was good. It was about step 4, which is where we write our fearless and searching moral inventory, so quite a scary step but I do not mind. When the time is right, I look forward to getting everything down on paper and freeing myself from some of my baggage (stuff that I do not even realise affects me).

Right off to have some blood taken now for testing for diabetes...

Tuesday 10 November 2009

Grace in small things

Today's reason to be cheerful are -

1. I have been abstinent from the act of compulsive overeating since last Wednesday 7.30pm and I have not had any chocolate, cakes, sweets or ice cream.
2. Miss E's belly laughs
3. Miss M sleeping straight through the last 2 nights
4. JJ reading to me last night - doing 24 pages each with about 4 lines of reading. He is progressing so well now. We had his parents evening last week and they said he was polite, likable, caring and above-average bright as well as clumsy and a bit self-centered! whoops. He can't be perfect!
5. I enjoyed listening to an ED podcast this morning whilst working out at the gym
6. Work is going well at the moment, my balance between work and home is good.
7. I have an evening in tonight and I am so looking forward to it

Sunday 8 November 2009

Still 'in the zone!'

Yep, I am still doing well. Day 4 of abstinence and it definately gets easier thanks to the grace of God. I need to be very careful I do not get complacent and start to eat things I should not. There have been challenges over the last few days but I have resisted - poppadoms at the Indian last night, no after dinner chocolate (it sat there untouched) and I did not go near the buffet table at the party either. Then today I resisted all goodies at my Mother in laws and also stopped picking my dinner when I was full, walking away from a plate of yorkshire puddings.

Here is me last night, before I was going out. I am quite pleased with how my outfit came together - what do you think of the tights now Mum?

Saturday 7 November 2009

Calmer kids....

I have a twin mummy friend who has really chilled kids. They are happy to sit down and relax at times and I would love that. She tells me that they are chilled as she is chilled, which leads me to believe mine are hypo because I am! lol and I know really that is not far form the truth. So for the last week or so I have been trying to be more chilled and to be home more and just sit with the kids on the floor/ sofa and play, watch TV or chat and it is really worked, they seem to much more chilled out today.

The three of them are all sat on the sofa watching TV as I type, waiting in their PJ's to collect Daddy from the station in about 5 minutes (see the photo above). Yesterday me and the girls got in my bed together at 2pm and watched TV for an hour to relax, it seems a sensible solution to them having given up their daytime nap - they at least get to relax and be calm.

Friday 6 November 2009

Food Plans

My food sponsor has gone away on holiday and I do not want to pester her, so I will write my food plan on here each day and then update it to see how I have done.

Today - 6th Nov
Plan is - porridge and 2 crumpets for brekkie, vege soup, 3 ryvita and cheese for lunch then an apple, tea is jacket potato with tuna mayo and sweetcorn and salad. Then plain yoghurt with some prunes in it.

Whoops, I have forgotten to report on my foods plans for the last couple of days but all has been going well. What I have actually eaten today (8th Nov) is -
Shreddies, 1 crumpet, banana, roast pork dinner with yorkshire puddings, scrambled eggs on 2 toast. So as you can see it is not that I am missing out on nice food, I am still eating well, just cutting out the crap.

9th Nov -
Yesterday I had - porridge, bagel, chicken salad, yoghurt, chicken and veg stir fry and a granola bar. I kept to plan! yay

10th Nov -
Plan today is - oat krunchies, bagel (whcih I have kept to so far) and planned is lunch chiken sub roll, crisps, grapes and then for tea ??? as Adam is cooking but I will stick to one moderate plate and then some tinned fruit and custard afterwards.

Keep it up Mich!

Felling good about food this morning, really going to try hard to hand it all over to God and to eat moderately and without compulsion.

I weighed this morning, I know I should not of. I will have to be very careful not to transfer my obsession from food to weight! I was 15st 7lb. This is very exciting for me, this is the least I have weighted since the 1990's. Got to keep going now - I really want to reduce the risk of all those awful diseases that I could suffer at the moment due to my excess blubber and of course I want to set a much better example to my kids.

Off out to twins club now, catch you all later.

Thursday 5 November 2009

Yay, celebrate!

I think the chair I listened to last night at my meeting has got through to me. She was saying that you get out of this program what you put in and that we should not over complicate things. Just abstain one day at a time and it will all fall into place by the grace of God.

Well, I am celebrating my first 24 hours of proper 301 abstinence.

Today I have had - porridge and banana for breakfast. Vege soup and 3 ryvita with cheese for lunch, tea was homemade potato and onion flan with salad and after some yoghurt with prunes. I have actually really enjoyed my food today and not felt hungry at all.

Of course I have thought about food many times, I am a food addict after all but I am pleased to say that with God by my side I have been able to not pick it up.

Now for the challenge I have a friend coming over to watch a girlie DVD now and I must keep away form the food whilst she is here! I will report tomorrow. I will now go and say a quick prayer.

Wednesday 4 November 2009

Am I making any progress?

I have been asking myself this question the last couple of days and really I have no answer. I would like to think that I am making progress and taking steps in my recovery from the disease of compulsive overeating but then some of my behaviours around food are still so illogical that I wonder. I am definitely not putting my abstinence from poor eating behaviours first yet and this shows me there is still a very long way for me to go... it is a journey. I remember as a young child asking 'are we nearly there yet?' and my Mum would tell me 'every step is a step closer' and I think that really applies here. Every mistake I make and every tiny bit of progress I make will all make a difference in a big way one day. I just need to keep working my program, handing things over to God and believing that one day the miracle will happen to me too.

I went to my ED meeting tonight and it was a very good one, we had a chair (which is where someone shares their own story in the hope of helping others). The lady that shared tonight was fab and her story was so alike mine in many ways. It has made me start to think about a number of relevant things - first going on a diet as instructed by the doctor at age 11 - I was only a size 10, not that enormous! Bigger than my peers yes, but not crazy big!

I also remember being off school with my Mum and the main thing I remember is having fish finger sandwiches together. I have no idea what we did on those days off but I know what we ate - how telling is that?

The lady spoke about how much her sponsor had helped her and that at first she could not believe that someone really did not mind her calling and asking loads of crazy/ silly questions and this is where I am right now. I do not have a full sponsor and I wonder how anyone will want to listen to my self-absorbed witterings on a regular basis. I need to get out to other meetings and see is anyone is willing to sponsor me.

I shared at the meeting tonight that I went to aqua aerobics last night and afterwards rewarded myself with a chocolate chip shortbread. In fact if I am honest that was the only thing that got me out at 8.15pm on a dark and dreary night - the lure of yummy food! My food sponsor shared with me that if I can not trust myself not to indulge when I go to aqua that I actually need to miss it for a few weeks until I have given over my will enough to God that I can resist. This was a real revelation to me, I had no idea but it does make sense now I think about it.

She also said that anything I put on my food plan in the morning, I must make sure I eat and not try not to have it to avoid calories. Doing so is generally a false economy as I then feel hungry before my next meal and am tempted to pick.

So I know what I have to do - 3 meals in the day, keep the food within the meal time and not try to hang out the pudding so it becomes a snack rather than part of the meal and lastly I need to avoid situations where I think I will be tempted to eat. This may mean to exercise or cinema or going out but we are only talking a month or so, so not the rest of my life! I do need to get a handle on this eating and after 6 months of being in the program I ought to start making a bit more progress really.

So please Lord help me to be willing to do the above. teach me to be kind to myself and help those around me to be understanding of my needs around food. Amen

Monday 2 November 2009

Grace in small things

1. I got so much stuff done round the house today, I feel all up to date!
2. Miss M has been so much more manageable today, I think the consistency with the naughty step is working.
3. I had a lovely hour alone with Miss E yesterday. We went to the library and John Lewis and she was such a poppet, real easy going.
4. I enjoyed my day with JJ today and he behaved superbly.
5. I have caught up with lots of good TV tonight and there is still Ugly Betty to go.
6. It was great to see my family over the weekend.
7. JJ sung his heart out at church parade on Sunday and we were very proud of him.
8. I have made some wise choices around food today.

How about you? Take 5 minutes to think about all the small things you have to be grateful for.

How great is my hubbie!

I have just downloaded some photos off the camera onto the PC and came across lots of lovely photos that I had no idea where there. Some from a day dh had out with the girls when I was at work a couple of weeks ago and some from his day to London with JJ last week. Thought I would upload some photos and show you that my kids have a fab Daddy and it is so lovely to know that I can leave all the kids with him and he and they are happy and content.

Thanks Ads. Love you. xx

Sunday 1 November 2009

She is soooo challenging!

For those of you who know my kids well, that title will be easy to decipher! Yes I am talking about Miss M.

Boy, is she challenging! So many times today she has been on the naughty step, we used to count to five for her to remove herself from her naughty activity and if she did not she went on the step, we have had to take it down to 3 as she is so clever and defiant that she is always leaving it until the very last moment.

Some of the naughtiness we have had today - dragging a pencil as hard as she could across one of my leather sofas, knocking a chair over onto Miss E's head, 'cleaning' my dining room chairs with orange squash and wipes, cleaning my loo seat with the bath sponge, cleaning her toy cooker with yet more orange, stealing toys from E, not listening to dh and I about various things, drawing over my dining room cabinet with felt pens, chucking bits of dinner on the floor............... need I go on! She really tires me out. Thank Goodness dh and I were both about today.

She is definitely the most defiant of all our 3 kids. Hopefully this is just the testing terrible twos and as she learns boundaries and the fact that dh and I are constant with her consequences means that she will start to tow the line a little. Am I hoping too much?