Friday 26 June 2009

Grace in small things for today

I have not shared any of my joys recently and I am always so conscious that this blog can become a depressing place - so a quick post before lunch.

1. Jacob had a great sports day this week and really enjoyed himself
2. My E looks so cute with her bunches, she makes my heart melt just looking at her
3. Hearing my girls call each other by name and watching them play together
4. Loving the fact that God is gracious and forgives all my flaws and imperfections
5. A superb holiday at Butlins last week
6. Enjoying the training course that I co-facilitated this week at work
7. Having the best parents, who are so loving and giving
8. M being my little minx, who is so expressive and hilarious
9. Going to see some good friends later
10. Dh not having to work late tonight
11. A lovely lunch with 2 of the girls God parents yesterday

Think that will do, I have so much to be thankful for. xx

Week 9 over, Today is a new day!

I can not believe that I have been going to ED for 9 weeks now. I am afraid my weight has not changed this week. I am 16st 2lb but this is not a surprise as I have not really tried too much and work has prevented me getting to my normal exercise classes. I have been doing my 100 - 150 crunches each morning and today boy can I feel that, I even might have pulled something. I am now crunching from the waist and also lifting my legs to meet my hands in the middle - it is really straining! but I need it...

Now I am sitting here with an opportunity to write, I do not know what to say. So many times when I can not get to the PC I sit there and conjure up a great blog entry - isn't that just the way.

So far today I am abstinent and very grateful for that. My temper had been getting the better of me again recently and I have been short with the kids or shouty, I realised last night at meeting that I need to be abstinent to stay in a good frame of mind to ensure that I am being the best person I can be. Whilst my head is obsessed with food and temptation I am not all I should be. So yet again I am trying - I need to do some serious praying to keep me focused.

I think I have two little ladies who do not feel well today, streaming noses and gunky eyes as well as teeth coming through accompanied by runny bums and general miseries! I feel quite unsure what to do - I have this big 'to do' list of things to get through but then the girls will probably not sleep again today (as they fell asleep for 1/2 hr in the pushchair on the way back form toddlers). I ought to just allow myself to enjoy 2 hours with the girls and whatever TV we fancy before we collect JJ. I think sometimes I do just need to give myself permission not to achieve and just to enjoy my kids. The girls are at a lovely age at the moment - they will be 2 in 3 weeks and their amount of chatting and fun we have is great.

So off now to do lunch for us all - I will stick to plan, planning the night before does help me so much. Then some playing and resting is the order of the day - after all I was up at 1.30am this morning with M crying in my arms - we fell asleep together on the single bed in the girls room but it was not comfy and I feel quite tired today for it.

Sunday 21 June 2009

Worship to bless God and not to satisfy me!

There was a good sermon at church this morning, the youth and worship pastor led it and I can really relate to what he spoke about. He talked of us worshipping to bless God and doing it for God as it pleases him and not because we want to, or because it satisfies a need for us. It is just plain rude when we pick and choose which song or style or music we like and only join in at our convenience.

Boy, could I relate to this. I have been so guilty of this in the past. I can remember myself saying that I hate a particular song, or won't sing as I do not know this one etc etc. I hope to be far more conscious of this in the future and to just really give my couple of hours each week at church to God to bless him as he is sovereign and rules. I really love to sing and I must try to do more of it, just because God loves to hear me and to know that I am thinking of him.

End of week 8 update

I was on hols last Thursday so I did not weigh and did not even think about the fact it was weigh day and that feels good. I did weigh this morning though and not surprisingly I was up to 16st 2lb, so a put on of about 5lb in just over a week. My holiday was fab though and if I am honest whilst I was marginally better than holidays in the past I was not at all abstinent.

I took my 'for today' book with me and there was some good and relevant readings but I hardly read any literature at all. So when I wake in the morning, it all starts again - once more - and this time I pray that by the grace of God it will be successful. I so do not want to pass this awful disease to my children and every day I still act irrationally around food they are learning those early habits.

2 in a row - better keep an eye.....

Just read back over my last blog entry before today and I had not even remembered that I felt the same way last Saturday as I do today. There does seem to be more blah days just recently. I suppose I better keep an eye on that. They often say that with therapy it gets worse before it gets better - so that could be some of it I suppose.

Feeling bogged down!

I am back from my hols and we had a wonderful time, I was sad to leave and come home. I had intended this first post back to be a cheerful one about what a fab time we all had - perhaps I will feel up to that post later.

At the moment I just have a busy head and I feel really bogged down. It is totally irrational and I assume I am feeling like it because it is that time of the month and my hormones are haywire but perhaps there is another reason and I am just not aware of it. I know I want to eat and that is me trying to mask feelings and worries. I do hate this crazy illness that they call compulsive overeating but I feel so lethargic to do anything about it. I know that once I can really admit I am powerless over food and that it is God who will change me and my life then things will start to turn around but I do seem to be fighting that.

My head tells me off as there is nothing to be worrying about. Why can I not just relax and enjoy a day with my family? We only came back yesterday and already the washing and ironing is up to date but here I am worrying that I need to prepare tomorrow dinner, mow the lawn, plant some flowers, do the PTA summer fete breakdown, answer emails, catch up with friends on the net, clean out the car, do some ironing and sorting for ebay, put the ebay listings up. It is completely crazy, many people can just enjoy a day with their family and be content that everyone has had a good time and that is enough of an achievement in one day for them - I would love that. I have many friends who can just do a day of being and not have to keep rushing around doing stuff all day. I know many people think I try to be superwoman with trying to get everything done but actually the truth is that I am just a complete head case!

One day I will be normal, I do believe that. God will restore me to sanity.

Saturday 13 June 2009

Been a miserable old cow today!

...........and I do not even know why. Maybe I just woke up wrong. From very early in the morning I felt anxious and apprehensive and unable to make a simple decision. I know I was more grumpy/ short with the kids than I should have been, they did not deserve it - sorry JJ, M and E.

It was one of those days when I just wanted to have been left alone. I needed some me time and with no school, no dh and no babysitters I had the kids all day on my own - it can get very lonely with no adult company.

When I think back the kids all behaved pretty well and they did some fun stuff but I just did not really like my day at all. I started to feel better when we got home at 4.30pm and I actually just sat down and vegged for 1/2 hour whilst they all enjoyed the nice weather playing in the garden.

I really do not know why I was a grumpy cow, I hope it was a one off. I felt really overloaded for some reason and it was not entirely rational. It was how I started to feel last year when I was bogged down and depressed. It could just have been the thought of the busy weekend ahead and the stress of doing the money for the school fete and then packing for holiday - tomorrow will be a manic day but I can only do what I can do and I must relax and let it go.

Let go and let God, that is one of the ED meeting mantras - so true.

Going to put the ironing away now and treat myself to an early night.

Friday 12 June 2009

Tired Friday, end of week 7

Just a quick post, feeling very tired and I ought to stop sitting at the PC. Been a busy day with the kids - just playing and sorting stuff. We are off to Butlins on Monday and I am getting very excited now - 5 adults and 3 kids - yay they are outnumbered at last! Dh and I will actually get some together alone - how lovely, some cuddles!

ED meeting was good last night, we covered step one, so that was just needed for me. I realise I must learn to surrender and stop being focused on the weight loss and realise that once I accept I need to stop eating compulsively and turn it over to God, the rest follows. I will keep working at it. Taking my literature with me next week.

Weighed yesterday morning, the scales were saying 15st 11lb, so I am now about 2 stone lighter than before I feel PG with the girls. That is wonderful but I have to remember to focus on abstinence to keep it going. Will try and post properly over the weekend, but if life gets in the way, then I will see you in about a week - have a good one!

Tuesday 9 June 2009

Update from yesterday & shopping addiction!

In 100% better mood today. I did not enjoy yesterday at all, I tried not to allow myself to get too low and to wallow in things but I did end up eating a bar of chocolate that was not planned for. Did I feel better for eating it? not really. Did I really enjoy it? not really - must remember that for next time.

Dh and I had a good old chat last night and got some stuff in the open and I feel better for knowing his views but am so sorry I have inadvertently hurt him. He has enough issues without me adding more, so I will try and actively remember to curb my spending and to be good. What is it they say - look after the pennies and the pounds will take care of themselves.

I think I am starting to identify that spending/ shopping is my other addiction. I like the thrill of having something new. Where I have lost weight recently I have got all excited and bought a few new things and because they have individually been cheap £3 or £5, then I have told myself it is OK, but I forget it all adds up. So I have some bits to take back and put the money back in our bank account.

It is really crazy as I get seduced by the fact that something is reduced and therefore a good deal but I must stop. I think I will just have to stay away from the shops for now and keep temptation out of my way until I have done some more reading and worked the steps more to learn to see the difference between want and need.

I did not realise but it appears that I am even being compulsive with the food shopping and overspending there. I really do not mean to do that. I said to A last night that maybe I will have a food list which I agree with him and then I can not deviate off it or he can go shopping.

So for now I am on a spending ban. Luckily my gym membership is taken care of out of my salary so I can continue to enjoy that and things like toddlers cost just £1.50 so I will keep going there, but meals out need to be minimal and nights out with the girls stopped etc etc. We are on holiday next week and there will be a cost there and then it is time for the car service and car tax very soon - £400 out the window. I must keep this bigger picture in focus.

I have decided I will look at our spending and the bank account more often, so that A does not have to feel the responsibility is all on him. We are a partnership and we need to strive to do things together.

Monday 8 June 2009

Grace in small things

In an attempt to make myself feel more cheerful and to pull me out of the doldrums I will try and be glad of 5 things.

1. I got a lovely comment from someone at church yesterday to say how lovely and full of life Jacob is. It is so nice to hear that some people appreciate his vivacious ways.
2. Work is not stressful at the moment and I have enough time between each activity to think and get my work just right.
3. My ironing is all up to date!
4. This time next week I will be travelling to my holidays! yay
5. God is in my life and he makes it so much better than it would be otherwise.

Trying not to be down

I feel a bit blah today and I am trying really hard not to. I know that it is just a state of mind (it could be hormonal too - I lose track!) and I can work hard to stay in good form and not to allow other people or events to affect my mind state.

So far today I have forgotten to bring my handbag to work - so have no money, phone or entrance card for work. I then got to work and realised I had forgotten to give the girls dummies to nursery - so I do hope they have managed to go off to sleep without them.

About noon I was just walking out the door to go to aqua aerobics when something made me check my bag and low and behold I have forgotten my swimsuit - so glad I did not walk all the way over there to find out. I could really have done with a good jump around and to know I have actively participated in my health kick today.

I have been good with food so far today but it is constantly on my mind and it feels a real battle today. So the answer must be that I should pray.

Then I will call my hubbie and try to clear the air, I hate it when it feels as if we are out of balance with each other.

Sunday 7 June 2009

For today: Just Being

I was reading my 'for today' book this morning and the days reading really appealed to me. I did not realise it would at first as it was talking about the knowledge that I possess being available to others but that my heart is just my own. It then went on to say that the 12 steps open my heart, free my mind and release my God-given potential for the peaceful enjoyment of just being.

I am sure you may have read me banging on about how much I 'do' and how little I spend time just 'being' so this really spoke to me. Yet again I feel that God has reinforced that he wants me to slow down and spend time really getting to know him and also myself. For someone like me this is so liberating - it is OK to play with my kids, lay on a bed to think and just wonder around alone.

Saturday 6 June 2009

Feeling confused!

I am doing pretty darn well at the moment. I have been praying lots, reading my literature and calling dh if I need to talk - all to stop me compulsively eating. I have not been perfect but I have been so much better and seeing as my ED meeting teaches me to 'go easy on myself' I am feeling good too.

I am still too focused on losing weight rather than sorting out my compulsive behaviour. Do not get me wrong, I do want to sort that out but for me, at the moment it is secondary. I have been worrying about this but a friend at ED the other night told me to give myself space and time and not to try and force things on myself. Everything is in God's time and not mine and it will come if I let it. This was very comforting to me.

So Thursday I was abstinent, yesterday not so great and today so far (thank you Lord) I have been abstinent. One day at a time - I will keep striving for wellness and wholeness and with this will come the weight loss that I so long for..... and also hopefully the 'normal' eating behaviour that will teach my kids the right way to be around food, rather than them grow up obsessed with food like I am.

I am struggling to get my thoughts in order at the moment to make a decision of what is right for me. Abstinence as defined by ED is 'refraining from compulsive overeating'. This keeps it nice and simple and then everyone has their own plan of eating that they work to achieve this goal. Many people seem to give up sugar, white flour and anything made with those two, others give up fats, fried foods, caffeine. I find the thought of living without these things horrifying! At the moment I truly do not believe that I need to give up white flour - it is not a trigger food for me.

I have learnt that whatever plan I make is OK as long as my behaviour is not compulsive. I must wait and pray and see what the Lord reveals to me. Perhaps I am being naive at the moment and I will need to give up all sugar and white flour etc. For now I will be content to stay away from chocolate, cakes, biscuits and butter - as those are the things that I know create problems and I just want excessive portions of.

I love having this blog, it is so therapeutic to get my thoughts down and to feel a little more relived of the great weights that I carry around in my mind.

Off to read some literature now and make the most of my little ladies having a snooze.

Today I have a problem............. is a tad annoying but I can live with it. I have to keep pulling up my jeans as they are now too big! and my best belt seems to be missing!

Now that is the sort of problem that I like! lol

I tried on a few things last night/ this morning and I am really starting to see the difference. I think the 100-150 crunches that I am doing every day are starting to have an impact. I need to sell my beautiful Monsoon dress I wore twice in December as it literally falls off me now and there are some summer items I have got out of the drawers that I can get into.

I weighed this morning (was feeling so excited) and was pleased to see I am at 15st 13lb. Back down into those magic 15's............... roll on the 14's!

OK, slow down Mich, one day at a time remember.

Wednesday 3 June 2009

Grace in small things

You never know, I might actually get to post every day for a week about the grace I have found in small things.

1. I love my family and the important ones are all still with me
2. My progression meeting at work yesterday went pretty well (I think!)
3. I have on a new pair of gorgeous cut-off trousers, that I am positive would not have fitted me 2 months ago
4. My girlies are both napping right now after playing and chatting together in their cots for over an hour!
5. It is the Apprentice tonight and 2 hours of it! yay

No more excuses!

I woke up this morning feeling very adamant that I have to stop making excuses and I need to really get my head around being good with food and being abstinent. The day has been pretty good so far, I resisted cakes at work.

I know what my problem is at the moment: I want to lose weight first and sort out my crazy head and compulsive overeating second but I have that round the wrong way! I must rely on God more and willpower less that is when I will see the change and things will dramatically get better.

It is now 6 weeks (will weigh tomorrow morning) since I started going to my ED meetings and I just know there has not been that much weight loss but I do feel so much happier when I look in the mirror, some of that could be the exercise I have been doing - gym, aqua and crunches but it might just be that some of it is in the mind and I just feel better and thus look better. I have bought a few new clothes recently and I a convinced I look better in them and that my double chin is looking far less chunky.

So I am very happy to continue with this journey and I know that this needs to be a change for life and not just a short term diet and some weight loss that all might go back on again. I am really not sure how I move my fixation from losing weight to one of getting well. I presume it is just working with God more and undertaking more spiritual activities so I am in tune and awake to his words.

I am getting a tad fed up with myself now, of breaking my abstinence each day and hearing excuses about how much I am mentally adapting and trying and thus it is OK. No Michelle it is not OK, do not use excuses. When I feel the urge to eat and I know it is not true hunger I must pray instead.

Tuesday 2 June 2009

Today's Grace in small things

1. My nails are nice and long right now and painted a pretty pink colour (you can always tell how well I am emotionally and spiritually feeling by the state of my nails!)
2. My girls are sleeping really well at the moment, with M going to sleep without the screaming antics
3. I am going to aqua aerobics tonight and I did 120 crunches this morning before getting dressed
4. I am blessed to go to a fab church, full of great people
5. There is nothing planned for this weekend - yay relaxation here we come...

End of week 5 and progress update

Well week 5 ended last Thursday and I was 16st 1lb (seem to be hanging around that area) but still a good loss from where I started and I must remember that this program is not all about weight loss, it is about sorting out my compulsive habits and crazy head. Weight loss comes as an added benefit when I commit to abstinence, which I am sad to say has not happened yet - but I must remember to live one day at a time, as today has been great so far and thus it could be the first day of my abstinence. Not sure I am in the right mind set but all I can do is pray and turn it over to God and ask for his help in this situation.

I am feeling really quite positive. I was driving to work yesterday and I was thinking about all the things I had to look forward to and I am not talking about big and exciting things, just things like meeting a friend at toddler group, going to my ED meeting etc and I realised I am quite content at the moment and really trying to live in the moment - not thinking too far ahead. It is very nice.

When I think back to this time last year I had been at the doctors crying about how I could not cope and felt so down, they had given me prozac, which I refused to take and I just started to pour out my feelings and tell the world (but especially my virtual and real twin mummy friends - thank you special ladies) how I felt. This helped me so much and within a few months I felt like me again and enjoyed being a mummy and wife again. Message for any women reading - you are not superwoman or supermum and do not try to be. One woman can only do so many things in a day and if you try to do more, especially with a hint of perfection then you will fail and end up feeling completely miserable and out of control - take it from an expert! lol

So now I had better get on with some work, a good day awaits me..............

Monday 1 June 2009

Grace in small things

Well, it has not been the best day in history (bit of a balls up at work!) so to remind myself how lucky I am here is a quick Grace in small things -

1. The sun is shining and the whole world seems a better place when that is happening
2. My MIL is cooking my dinner as I type - yummy sausage casserole
3. I have been good foodwise today, even when feeling down.
4. I only have to live one day at a time, beyond that is too much to think about
5. I am now going to pick up my kids and hubbie and get some great hugs and kisses

I hope to be back tonight, I have loads of stuff I want to say, but the ironing is calling - so maybe not