What I have learnt in the last couple of days...

1. That I am completely self-absorbed, selfish and self centered! This came as a complete revelation to me yesterday. I was reading a sheet about step 1, it was called the unmanagability test (and yes my life is very unmanagable right now, especially yesterday - boy was I out of control!) and it really tested my thinking. I realised that all my controlling behaviour and my bad behaviour towards my kids when I get cross because they are not conforming to what I want are due to me being self-centered. As a Christian, or even just as a good human-being I should be striving to help others and to offer myself in that way instead of trying to ensure the world revolves around Michelle. Big learning and not one I am proud of, but it is a step forward...

2. That I hit my kids too much. Doesn't that sound awful? I am ashamed to put that. I must make a note here that when I say hit I do not mean punch or really hurt or anything. I mean tap/slap on the hand, bum or leg. The logic being a short sharp shock to encourage them not to do the bad behaviour again. What am I really teaching them? that it is OK to hit each other and that Mummy is modelling that rubbish behaviour. I know that I hit out when I feel out of control and do not know how to deal with the situation or my head of elsewhere and we are short of time. I have to STOP it, it is crazy and disgusting behaviour and it does not even work. I need to show more love and to do tat by giving the kids more time and forgetting some other not so important stuff. So yes you may find I post on here even less.

3. That I forget so much I have already learned. I went through loads of church stuff last night - sermons I have written, service plans I have performed and kids church stuff I had put together and I realised I had forgotten loads of the key teachings of just 3 or 4 years ago. I really do feel I am on an exploratory journey at the moment to find out who I am and that I am learning some good and bad stuff and that at the end I will be confident enough to have my own set of rules to live to and because I will be out of the food I will act sanely and lovingly towards others.

4. That saying in bed for an extra bit is not really of any help at all in the scheme of things! Yesterday I did not bother to set my alarm, now I do not know if this is because I am feeling a bit down, lethargic and have lost my enthusiasm for life right now or if I just thought a lie-in would be helpful. Whatever, it did not work. I got up after 7.30am and by the time I had showered and dressed etc it was gone 8am with me taking all the kids downstairs. That is just too late for a school day. We ended up having to run to school (something we did loads last academic year and have not done yet this year, until yesterday!) Then the day went from bad to worse as I ran about everywhere I needed to. My pushchair snapped in half (yep you read that right!) whilst pushed the girls around and generally it was a shit day. It was only going to ED last night that I got some perspective and was sane enough to be able to set my alarm for 6.20am this morning and get up after just 6.5 hours sleep. I am sitting here at the PC, already having prayed, planned my food for the day, enjoyed a cup of tea and sorted some stuff in the garage. The kids have just woken and I feel ready for the day. A day when I commit to never lash out at my kids again. That behaviour is unacceptable and gone forever. (Please Lord).

I would love to wrote more, but the kids are awake and seeing as I said I wanted to be less selfish I should go and have a cuddle. xx

For Today: Anger update

I posted the other day about realising my anger and acknowledging it and asking for God to remove it. I feel things have been going fairly well and for that I am so grateful. I was reading my book this morning 'For today' and the topic was anger. Here is what it said -

'God gave me a mind and a spirit, a capacity for love and compassion. Anger destroys those gifts as surely as compulsive overeating destroyed them. Acknowledging my anger is a positive step, but do I see its source as a defect within me? Or do I blame it on something outside myself: what someone said or did, a job, a situation, the weather, anything. When I am angry I am no good to anyone, least of all myself'.

This all really struck cords with me. I was pleased to realise that I do know it is a defect within me and I am no longer prepared to blame anyone else for my problems.

Goodbye anger

I had one of those real pinnacle moments on Sunday evening. Dh had gone to church and I was ironing so I decided to watch a programme on C4 called The Unloved. It was about a child going into a care home and their experience there. It started off by showing an abusive father getting really cross with his daughter as she had lost some money. He got incredibly mad and beat his child - it was NOT this part that rang a bell with me. What got me thinking was the wording he used at the beginning, he kept saying 'you are making me angry now' to the child and you could see he was thinking on the problem more and more and getting so wound up.

I can think of a time when I have told JJ you are making me so mad and I have said it in complete anger and sent him to his room. I have not hit him or anything like that but inside I have been so angry that I have hit the sofa or screamed or thrown something. None of those are attractive admissions. Please know, that I do not want to be typing this blog entry - I am sure this is making me look like a right physo cow but seeing as this blog is primarily for me, this is a way of me ensuring that I take steps to tackle my anger and watch how I speak to/ act around my children in the future.

Yesterday M started to cry after she had gone to bed and dh said to me 'that was you stomping down the stairs', he said it in a slightly pissed off manner but nothing too bad. It made me feel bad though as it was not justified, he was just cross. This really got me thinking too of how sometimes the kids do something in error (like hit me or break something or make a massive mess) and I speak to them in a totally non-respectful way, a way I would not speak to an adult stranger. They do say you hurt those most that you love the most!

I have decided that I have to change and not excessively shout any more (I have been reading a book which is about parenting and teaches that if you shout at your kids you just teach them to shout back), and never do anything physical to my kids (like a tap on the hand). I want to build a relationship of mutual respect, love and trust and this is so important to me.

I have realised just how awful my tone has been with my kids sometimes or the outbursts I might have had and it is not acceptable. I will change. My 'for today' book had a reading about how we all sin and we must repent and pass that sin to God and he will heal us and take away our character defects.

So Lord, I am so sorry for every injustice I have ever done towards my children and I pray that you will take away my anger and increase my patience and love. Fill me with the Holy Spirit. Amen