Released #Prose4T

Hello, if you have stopped by to find Reasons to be Cheerful then you need to head over to Lakes Single Mum as Becky is hosting for the rest of November and then in December it will be over with Jo at Ojo's World.

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I'm finding part of life quite hard,
it comes and attacks me, for I have no guard.

But unhappy is not the right word you see,
as in general life is as blessed as can be.

Good husband, great kids, nice home.
So many gifts, little cause to moan.

There is just this one area of my life,
it gives me so much pain and strife.

It should be easy, 'get a grip' you say,
but for some of us it just isn't that way.

I want to sort it out, I want to get better,
I know there's a need, that's why I'm writing this letter.

But there is no easy path,
it will be lots of hard work and graft.

Am I ready for that I wonder, can I take off this mask?
For unveiling makes me vulnerable and reminds me of the past.

But change has to happen, I can not go on this way,
I need to be strong each and every way.

Now is the time to stop being scared, a good example I must set,
and that means walking every day step by step.

No need to take great leaps Michelle,
every inch forward is a step out of this living hell.

Trust in the Lord and let Him be king,
then finally you will be released from this awful thing.

Thank you Jesus.

Plaque at Beachy Head, East Sussex

Michelle Pannell, 22 November 2013


Hop over and see Vic and the others who are joining in with Prose for Thought this week.

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Reasons to be Cheerful - time for a change?

How can you stay down for long, when you live here?
This is the view from my front door a couple of nights ago.

Hello all,

How are things going with you? I'm in a bit of a flux at the moment, I don't know whether I am coming or going much of the time. The worlds most organised person seems to have lost some of her skills. I keep having moments of feeling sad, unsettled and turbulent. If you saw my post from yesterday you'll know that I'm in a state of discontent.

Nothing is wrong really, just the realities of living in a new place and having to make new friends, establish where my purpose is right now and come to terms with not being in paid work any more. Lots has changed in the last three months and I think I have stayed strong whilst I made sure the kids and my husband got settled and now I've remembered I've got to take care of myself too.

My instant response is that I need to take the pressure off and have a break from blogging, I know this is always a good thing for me, I've done it many times before.  I'm not imposing any rules on myself, I'm just going to go with the flow and blog if I want to but free myself to not have to be pressured to post for anything. Therefore I won't be running Reasons to be Cheerful for the foreseeable future. If any of you reading this want to host it then leave me a comment below and we can chat but I'm wondering if it is just time for a change. Maybe no more #R2BC.

So this is supposed to be Reasons to be Cheerful and I don't want it just to be me moaning, so my main reason to be grateful this week is the supportive blogging community.  I shared with some blogging friends a couple of days ago how I was feeling and I had such an amazing and overwhelming response. People said really encouraging things and I felt so built-up and good about myself and my blog. Thank you ladies for being awesome, you know who you are.

Then talking of blogging mates, I am also super grateful that I get to see Seasider Clare this weekend for Mumsnet Blogfest. We plan to have a fab time with loads of bloggy friends and some catch up time alone too, it is too long since we last got together in June.

You never know Blogfest might even recapture my love for blogging and I might feel enthused to get straight back on the horse - we will see.....

Wishing you all a fabulous week. Do link up with me for a last time with your Reasons to be Cheerful and I'll be over to visit you (probably after the weekend).

Bless you, Mich x

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If you like what you have read and want to stay up-to-date then subscribe by email for free and receive blog posts directly to your in-box - just click the link Subscribe to Mummy From The Heart... by Email or perhaps you like to keep all your blog reading in one place, if that is the case you can follow me on BlogLovin too!

I Want to say Goodbye!

Image Credit

Why is it that it is so hard to say goodbye to some things or some people? Things or people that are harmful to us and hurt us, can cause damage that can only be seen in years to come? Why do we keep getting drawn back to situations and practices that are not good for our physical and emotional health? You hear of abused children who continue to love their abuser and kidnap victims who grow to protect their abductor. Then there are also silly people like me with an addiction that keeps pulling them back to something which is causing them and often others harm. Now don’t get me wrong I am not saying that my problems with food are on a par to being abused but let’s be honest that is what I am doing to myself. Every time I stuff my face I take a step towards an early heart attack, diabetes and joint problems.

I Heart Me! Wk 9 - Where am I with my Resolutions?

I am just back from Church and I had a really good night but I sat there thinking about how much I do not like the way I look right now.  I felt so self-conscious, which is crazy as I was in the safest place ever.  No one judges me there.....  well except my worst critic that is - me!

Once back home I turned twitter on and saw a tweet from Notes to Self, Plus Two and recalled that she had started a weekly link up based on loving yourself and remembering who you are.  I realised I needed to love myself a bit right now and thought I would join in this week.

The topic for this week, is around how you are doing with your new year resolutions. I hoped over to this post and had a look at what I had resolved to do this year and was a bit dismayed to see that I have completely ignored most of the good things I said I would do!  Oh dear...

I vowed to spend time with my kids and to enjoy each of them.  Thankfully I can put a tick against this one.

I resolved to re-start the date night that my husband and I used to enjoy. Whoops, not happened as yet.  OK date set for next Sunday night.  I need to try and feel a bit better about myself before then so that we can actually enjoy our night...  leading me on to the next point which I have also completely ignored.

To stop stuffing my face full of unnecessary food. I have attempted to work on this a number of times this year.  It is at the forefront of my mind every day.  Some days I choose to ignore this and other days I choose to try really hard and to give my will over to God. I wanted to beat myself up when I realised that I have not been achieving my targets but actually I have been trying, failing but trying but that is OK.  I am human and it is what happens sometimes.  If I give up before the miracle happens then I will lose out.  How many times did it take Edison to successfully create the electric lightbulb? 100's I believe, each one of them learning something for the time when he had the big win.  I often quote the phrase 'win or learn' to people, we never fail. I must take heed of my own words.

and the last thing I resolved was to ensure I was in bed by 11pm.  A mixed bag on this one, some nights (like last night) have been terrible and I have still been sat here tapping away at 1am.  Other nights (like tonight) I have turned off my PC and gone to bed.  Getting to bed at a decent hour and sleeping soundly makes such a difference to my attitude towards my children the next day.

I am very grateful to Notes for getting me thinking about this again.  In Church tonight I was praying about what I should do for Lent and I am pretty sure the answer is to do something around my food.  Not sure how radical I am supposed to go as yet though... I'll keep praying and see what comes to me.

What about you?  How are you doing with your resolutions?

It's all about Me, Me, Me!

What an amazing revelation I have had the last week or so!  You may have known this for some time, but I am sorry I just had not seen it at all.

It was a real lightbulb moment!  There I was at an ED (Eating Disorder) meeting last Saturday and someone was sharing their recovery journey with us and I heard them share about how something had gone wrong and automatically they assumed it was their fault, that they had created this problem.  Time stopped, things went very quiet and very slowly and then I thought 'yes I do that!'. 

Dh is quiet = I have pissed him off. 
Kids are too manic = oh dear that is my crap parenting influence.
Bloggers commenting on anything in a less than positive light = oh that is me they are taking a pop at!
Friends go out without me = they didn't want me...

Oh woe is me,  who would have known that the world revolved around Michelle?  When did I get raised on a pedestal and become the most important person on earth?

So here is what I have realised, I have become too serious, life is being taken too seriously.  I have stopped laughing at myself.  Fun needs to be had.  I have to stop staying up too late and losing my perspective on things as I am over tired.

What can I do about this?  I am not exactly sure.  It would be very easy for me to make a big list here of all the changes I will make but chances are that I would then just give up on the list and end up feeling a failure.  That's not particularly useful is it?  So I won't do that, all I will do is resolve....

...resolve to change (one small step at a time)
...resolve to learn to love myself
...resolve to laugh

Sunday I made good progress.  At Church I was brave and went to the front when the Pastor asked if anyone felt broken and in need of offering their problems to God.  So I went and laid myself out on the floor before the 200 strong congregation and just thought of God and how much I wish to give my food issues to Him.  For today, I gave my will over to God and I wish for him to make me whole and teach me how to love myself and not assume that I am at the heart of every problem.

The bulk of this post was written over a week ago and I realised last night that I really have made progress on this. I read a post at Typecast yesterday and felt really cross at the opinion expressed.  If I had been in 'Woe is me' mode I would have thought that @Nickie72 aimed this directly at me. Pretty self-centered huh? Nickie and I both commented and basically the outcome was that we agree to disagree and that is perfect, that's life.  We are all different, we do not have to agree on everything we just have to respect each other and I do respect Nickie, she is a very helpful blogger who openly expresses herself.

To be honest I was reading this post far too late and started to question myself if I was naive or too trusting?  Did I lack a backbone and was a bit of a pushover?  I went to bed pondering this and also thought about it today and I came to the conclusion that I like my bright outlook on life.  I like to think the best of people and only if they prove me wrong do I need to feel anything other.  I may be nicely naive but I most certainly have a backbone, I stand up for what I feel strongly about and at work I am definitely the people's advocate.

So, since realising that I can be self-centered and that I want to release myself from that and also that I am a nice person (I don't care if that sounds wishy washy to you, it is best word to describe what I mean) I vow to give myself a break and to be positive about my attributes. Mich has full permission to like herself!

What about you?  Do you need to give yourself a break?