Wednesday, 8 July 2009

Self destruct!

I feel like I am on self destruct right now but a bit powerless to do anything about it! It is as if I do not want to do anything about it and I am trying to sabotage my weight loss. I got on the scales Sunday (I know, I know!) but they had gone in the right direction and I felt good and then Tuesday and Wednesday I have just been eating loads and in a really odd fashion. Yesterday I was scoffing and I felt full and sick but did not stop. I also bought some butter, which is something I never do nowadays as I love it too much and I was literally eating small chunks of it on its own as I drove home. I was then worrying that dh would see the butter and know I had been scoffing it in the car. I expect I have repulsed you now. I know most people would not consider eating butter alone but I love it.

Stuff that I normally just will not buy at the moment has made its way back in my house - ginger cake and brownies and whilst it is one thing to be bad once and then stop. If I bring them in the house they all then 'NEED' eating. I think I will just have to be wasteful and bin them. I am thankful to say that I have not yet got to the sorry state where I pull food from the bin to eat it. I know many a compulsive overeater does!

So today I feel fat and quite repulsive. I don't actually think it is that I look repulsive I think it is that I am pretty disgusted with my own behaviour around food the last couple of days. I have definitely been like an alcoholic who has fallen off the wagon and gone on a binge. Thank goodness I have an ED meeting tomorrow night. I think tonight I need to read some literature and refocus and perhaps start working my steps.

I am feeling a bit funny about writing my blog today as I am so honest here and I am starting to realise that more and more people who really know me are reading this. I none of you think I am too odd!

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