Bells Palsy: The Day I Lost My Smile!

Saturday 29 July 2006.  The day I lost my smile.

The first day of me learning a big lesson in humility.
The first day of a few months of pain.
The first day of realising just how vain I was.
The first day of realising how strong my faith in Christ had become.
The first day of the rest of my life... my life with a wonky smile!

The above photo was taken 4 Aug 2006. I can literally only move one side of my face, look at my forehead and the lack of wrinkles on that side. I also have a droop to my mouth still at this point.

The above photo was taken 14 October 2006. Still no wrinkles by the side of my eye on one side and my smile won't lift properly.

My Big Fat Ego: The Michelle I Was!

Image Credit

I watched the Apprentice last Tuesday and Wednesday night and I have to say that I am hooked already. I love this programme and had it of been around ten - fifteen years ago when I was at the pinnacle of my career in sales recruitment I would have entered in the blink of an eyelid! Am I pleased to be out of that corporate lion’s den environment nowadays? Yes of course I am!


However, all those slogans you hear the contestants spouting, like ‘average was never good enough for me’, ‘I’ve been the best at everything I’ve ever done!’ and ‘Lord Sugar might think this guy is too good to be true’ could all have easily been said by me in the past. In fact one of my most favoured snippets was ‘I do not tolerate weakness, I crush it’. Gosh that really makes me cringe and I am not proud to have been such a bit*h for quite a number of years.

I am Beautiful

Today

I look in the mirror and what do I see?

I see a wonky face staring back at me,

I see sad eyes, spots, blemishes and lines,

I see tired hands, flabby bits and a woman not in her prime.

I look in the mirror and what do I see?

I see someone who is too harsh and who judges me,

I see a woman obsessed with her size,

Programmed by the media to believe the lies.

I look in the mirror and what do I see?

Occasionally I see you crying at me,

I see hate, the loathing, it’s all in my eyes,

I see myself, that comes as a surprise!

Taken this weekend

Tomorrow and forever...

I look in the mirror and what do I see?

I see a woman who wants to break free....

A woman who knows that beauty comes from inside,

one who cherishes honesty and will not hide!

I look in the mirror and what do I see?

I see a natural beauty smiling at me,

I see someone with a massive heart,

that same someone who cares when you are falling apart.

I look in the mirror and what do I see?

I see a middle aged woman as happy as can be.

I see a loving and dedicated wife,

one who is willing to change her life...

I see a mother of three, a daughter to two,

aiming to please because she loves you.

I look in the mirror and what do I see?

I see a friend to many, confidant to some,

a person who tries to love everyone.

I see a positive woman with future dreams,

someone who very much is as she seems.

I look in the mirror and what do I see?

I see an imperfect being who is trying her best,

One who knows that's enough because God does the rest!

I made a decision over the weekend that I needed to love and accept myself just as I was.  This does not mean I can not take positive steps to deal with my obesity but it means I can not allow it to define me.

We all have to remember that true beauty is not about how we look on the outside but how we are on the inside. If we are more concerned and spending more time worrying about and nurturing our outside appearance than the state of our heart then something is amiss. I have been doing a lot of pondering on this over the last couple of weeks  and am pleased to say that despite still being as fat as ever I feel OK today.  Today I am loving and accepting myself and even looking in the mirror and thinking I look pretty.  Turn back the clock a couple of weeks and I was feelling very much as the beginning of this post suggests - ugly, misshapen, shameful and useless. I was looking in the mirror and hating what I saw, I could not see anything that satisfied me and that is a sorry state of affairs.

As with all challenges I turn to the word of God and see what the bible has to offer on the matter. 1 Timothy 2:9 says that women should dress modestly and not adorn themselves with inappropriate items. I used to worry that this meant I should not be taking any outward pride in my appearance but actually it just asks us to dress appropriate to the situation and not to flaunt our beauty and wealth. In fact it is advocated that partners look appealing to each other but we must not put so much emphasis on the outside that we become obsessed and lose our humble and grateful heart.

So today I am grateful and I say thank you Lord for how beautiful I am.

I thought I would share a selection of pictures of me without any make-up showing my natural beauty (isn't it funny how time changes your perspective, when I look at the ones of me in my teenage years and early twenties I now see a young, vibrant and curvaceous woman, whereas at the time I thought that a size 16 was the most ugly and enormous size ever!)

Am I who I seem to be?

Ready for my Mummy Blogger Event at London Zoo with Vosene on Saturday

It's a good question isn't it? 

If you are a regular reader or if we chat in forums, on twitter or facebook you probably feel like you know me.  'Of course' you say, 'You are Mich, a loving mummy with 3 kids, you have a dh who is really good with the kids, you're a Christian, a strong and assertive woman, you give good advice and mostly you are very positive'.  I have heard this description from lots of people over time, that is often who people think I am.

But is that me? Do I come across on my blog as I really am in real life?

A couple of years back I met a few twins mums and we had a weekend away together, these were people I had chatted to on a daily basis for at least two years.  They knew the on-line Mich very well, they had been through all the ups and downs with me.  I had moderated the twins board for a while, won the award for how clean is your house and offered advice dozens of times to them, as they had me.  As we travelled home from our delightful weekend a couple of the women commented that I was a lot more 'normal' than they might have expected and far more lively and fun than they had envisioned.  Apparently on-line I come across as very nice but quite straight laced and serious.  This makes me smile big time!  I am not at all serious, I love fun and laughter with my family and friends. I am the one who does not have to drink to have a good time, up for a dance, give me a mic and I'll karaoke the night away.

The next year I met the twin mummies again and another one joined us and on the train journey home she commented to me that she had been nervous to meet me, as she thought I may judge her as she is Pagan and I am Christian. I explained that my perspective is that I have no right to judge anyone, only God may judge.  As a Christian my job is to be Christ like and to walk as Jesus would have and this means being accepting of everyone.  This is not a dilution of my faith, I do not think being Pagan is the right choice, for me there is only one choice and that is to be saved by Jesus but I accept free choice and I love people for who they are.

Recently I spoke to my Mum and one of my best friends L and asked them if I came across as me in my blog.  They both said definitely, so that is good to hear  but I do think what lacks in my on-line me (and I am not sure why, its not contrived) is the down to earth normal Mich, full of insecurities like anyone else.  An armadillo is what I often refer to myself as, hard on the outside with a very soft inside. I put my foot in my mouth without meaning too and am then crushed that I have hurt someone. Truly I am a person of contrasts, content to be in with my hubbie in front of the TV and just as happy to be with the girls on the dance floor. Nervous to be at a networking event but completely in my comfort zone making a formal presentation to 100 people.

So am I who you think I am?  If you have met me at a blogger event, was I as you expected?  Cybermummy will be interesting for some people to see the real Mich.

And now a little warning to all my wonderful friends, especially the newer bloggers. Always be on your guard and protect yourself. Not everyone is who they seem.  There are such things as trolls who join forums or write blogs for their own selfish reasons.  They are not genuine and true and always get found out in the end but often people get hurt in the meantime.

It is not even always the case that these people mean to hurt others, sometimes they have mental health problems, sometimes they are so mixed up they think it is their life they are blogging about but sometimes they are evil.  I once knew someone and I loved them as a person who used chat rooms to be a completely different person.  They hated their life and the shell they felt trapped in so they created an alter ego and wrote as that person.  No hurt was intended but of course people got hurt. Lies always hurt.

So my advice is if you notice someone often tells you one thing and then changes the story a short while later to put them on your 'be aware radar'. No one has too many inconsistencies in their life!

Be well and happy!  Mich x

I want to be a Firework!

The last couple of weeks I have had a post going round and round in my head.  I keep wanting to ask you dear readers, How do I learn to love myself?  Do not get me wrong, I do not hate myself and there are no worries about me doing anything rash like self-harming but I have realised of late that I do not love and treasure myself as much as I should.  I can easily find fault with myself and when I am not performing at my optimum I am very hard on myself and seem to find it impossible to accept that my best for that day is good enough.

I am completely a woman of contrasts, I will happily tell you all that it is right to try your best and that good enough is just that but apply that logic to myself and I go deaf.

What is even more sad is that I know this, deep down I know this and am able to write it in this post but I just do not feel it.  I have wondered if I need to look in the mirror and start to tell myself that I like what I see.  I like my hair, I like the colour of my eyes.... there is a start!

I think I am a bit lost on my journey through life at the moment if I am honest.  I am not necessarily unhappy and certainly not depressed but I just get confused about what is right and what is good enough.  Many people would say that I need to give myself a break.  I am not interested in comparing myself to other people, I know I measure up on that count, it is about how I measure up to my own standards and expectations that I have a problem with.  Of course, realistically these are too high and it could be that character defect 'perfectionism' at fault here.  The great ED (Eating Disorder) workshop that I went on recently was titled Progress not Perfection and I do think that is an excellent sentiment, if only I could buy into it with my heart and whole being.

So there I was pondering this today and I sat down for 5 minutes to fold the washing and Katy Perry came onto the music channel.  She started to sing and I thought 'ohh I love this song, I had no idea it was her or that those were the words'.  What really struck me though was watching the video that goes with it.  It is truly amazing and I have now been inspired to be a firework.  What particularly struck a cord with me was the curvy young woman stripping off to her bikini and joining in with the fun at the pool party.  Life is for living and in that split second she seemed to realise that and put all her self-conscious feelings aside.

Now, if only I could follow suit and know that I am a firework and love myself enough to stop stuffing my face with unnecessary food.  I kid myself that it is a comfort or a treat but I know that deep down I eat to stay fat.  What I do not yet know is why, but one day I will find this out and for now I know that progress on this journey is enough....

It's all about Me, Me, Me!

What an amazing revelation I have had the last week or so!  You may have known this for some time, but I am sorry I just had not seen it at all.

It was a real lightbulb moment!  There I was at an ED (Eating Disorder) meeting last Saturday and someone was sharing their recovery journey with us and I heard them share about how something had gone wrong and automatically they assumed it was their fault, that they had created this problem.  Time stopped, things went very quiet and very slowly and then I thought 'yes I do that!'. 

Dh is quiet = I have pissed him off. 
Kids are too manic = oh dear that is my crap parenting influence.
Bloggers commenting on anything in a less than positive light = oh that is me they are taking a pop at!
Friends go out without me = they didn't want me...

Oh woe is me,  who would have known that the world revolved around Michelle?  When did I get raised on a pedestal and become the most important person on earth?

So here is what I have realised, I have become too serious, life is being taken too seriously.  I have stopped laughing at myself.  Fun needs to be had.  I have to stop staying up too late and losing my perspective on things as I am over tired.

What can I do about this?  I am not exactly sure.  It would be very easy for me to make a big list here of all the changes I will make but chances are that I would then just give up on the list and end up feeling a failure.  That's not particularly useful is it?  So I won't do that, all I will do is resolve....

...resolve to change (one small step at a time)
...resolve to learn to love myself
...resolve to laugh

Sunday I made good progress.  At Church I was brave and went to the front when the Pastor asked if anyone felt broken and in need of offering their problems to God.  So I went and laid myself out on the floor before the 200 strong congregation and just thought of God and how much I wish to give my food issues to Him.  For today, I gave my will over to God and I wish for him to make me whole and teach me how to love myself and not assume that I am at the heart of every problem.

The bulk of this post was written over a week ago and I realised last night that I really have made progress on this. I read a post at Typecast yesterday and felt really cross at the opinion expressed.  If I had been in 'Woe is me' mode I would have thought that @Nickie72 aimed this directly at me. Pretty self-centered huh? Nickie and I both commented and basically the outcome was that we agree to disagree and that is perfect, that's life.  We are all different, we do not have to agree on everything we just have to respect each other and I do respect Nickie, she is a very helpful blogger who openly expresses herself.

To be honest I was reading this post far too late and started to question myself if I was naive or too trusting?  Did I lack a backbone and was a bit of a pushover?  I went to bed pondering this and also thought about it today and I came to the conclusion that I like my bright outlook on life.  I like to think the best of people and only if they prove me wrong do I need to feel anything other.  I may be nicely naive but I most certainly have a backbone, I stand up for what I feel strongly about and at work I am definitely the people's advocate.

So, since realising that I can be self-centered and that I want to release myself from that and also that I am a nice person (I don't care if that sounds wishy washy to you, it is best word to describe what I mean) I vow to give myself a break and to be positive about my attributes. Mich has full permission to like herself!

What about you?  Do you need to give yourself a break?

I just realised....

.... that the bits you really love about your kids are the bits you like about yourself and the traits that really grate on your nerves are those which you need to do work on within yourself!

I am in a nice calm mood this morning and was asking the kids to get out of the kitchen in a very nice voice (generally this is my sanctuary, with a stair gate across it) and then M starts shouting 'Out Out!' really loud and aggressive and I saw myself on a worse day! whoops.

Woe is me

I was listening to someone the other day talking about how they had an argument with their Mum and it was unlikely they would ever speak again. This person talked about how she instantly felt as if she was an orphan and no-one loved her, she was all alone in the world and all sorts of things like that. In her words the self-pity had kicked in. Luckily her rational brain then said no, you have this, that and the other.

This really got me thinking and I could relate to everything she had said. If something happens I am fairly likely to go into overdrive and my imagination runs away with itself and by the end something that was quite small turns into a major drama. This is not a character trait I like and definitely one I have tried to work on over the years, but something happened the other day which again made me start to worry so I will need to be aware that while I am going through this journey to sort out my eating that I am perhaps more vulnerable to negative thoughts.

One of my fears as a younger person was that people did not really like me and found me a pest and did not want me around, I sort of go to grips with this - well to the extent that some of my friends have now been around for 18 odd years and my dh has been around for about 15 years. However I now have the fear that my boy JJ is the one who is not so liked and that his little friends would rather have someone else round for tea etc - it breaks my heart but I must just offer it up in prayer and hand it over tot he Lord for my worry can not help JJ at all.