My mental addicts mind!

I have been feeling pretty good the last few days - really quite confident. Today I was at work and I felt confident and I knew this made me look good, I had a new hairstyle (which loads of people commented on!), gorgeous high heels and I just felt on top of the world. My mind then turned to 'why do I need to get control of my eating and lose weight when I can feel good like this and I could just eat bad food away from my kids and still give them a good upbringing and be a good role model'.

Then I really thought about this and it just made me realise how crazy and mucked up the thinking of an addict is. I do not like to refer to myself as an addict as that conjures up pictures of drugs and alcohol but the truth is that my drug of choice is food! The fact that I have been thinking about just eating bad food away form my kids or in private is a bad thing in itself - that could lead to a whole new eating disorder.

I know I have not been trying hard enough and the problem is that I am not surrendering to God and handing this problem over. I am sure I have mentioned this lots of times on here, sorry if am boring you. I am hoping that by keep reminding myself at some point it will click and I will surrender and become abstinent.

End of week 10

I weighed this morning and I am 16st, so that is a loss of 2lb from last week. I am fairly pleased with that as I have been better and been trying to record my food plan the night before but I have not been abstinent at all.

I have been so good with doing my crunches each morning, I expect that must be having an effect.

I must remember to just keep going - one day at a time and not to get too hung up on the future.

For Today: Pride

Yesterday when reading my 'for today' book I came across a reading which really spoke to me. I do find this tiny little book a wonderful resource for opening up my mind and making me do some thinking.

The reading was about pride - 'When a proud man hears another praised, he thinks himself injured'. The text then talks about abstinence being a blind that I pull up form the window so I can see the real world and the real me. I am a willful child wanting to be first, be best, be noticed and be praised. Oh my goodness I am that person! I have been trying not to be for the last couple of years as I know it is fruitless and silly to be proud that my car is better than your car etc. I know that I am not supposed to compare myself to other people, I should only compare myself to God's standard - to Jesus and boy do I fall a long way short on that one!

The text then goes on to say that I need to work the steps to learn to turn over the defect of pride and to ask for it to be removed, so that I can share in others joys and not be jealous and prideful.

Lord, again I realise I need to be focused on being me and changing me to your way rather than doing lots of tasks. I have my meeting tonight and I will get my steps workbook out and starting focusing more on getting well.

Grace in small things for today

I have not shared any of my joys recently and I am always so conscious that this blog can become a depressing place - so a quick post before lunch.

1. Jacob had a great sports day this week and really enjoyed himself
2. My E looks so cute with her bunches, she makes my heart melt just looking at her
3. Hearing my girls call each other by name and watching them play together
4. Loving the fact that God is gracious and forgives all my flaws and imperfections
5. A superb holiday at Butlins last week
6. Enjoying the training course that I co-facilitated this week at work
7. Having the best parents, who are so loving and giving
8. M being my little minx, who is so expressive and hilarious
9. Going to see some good friends later
10. Dh not having to work late tonight
11. A lovely lunch with 2 of the girls God parents yesterday

Think that will do, I have so much to be thankful for. xx

Week 9 over, Today is a new day!

I can not believe that I have been going to ED for 9 weeks now. I am afraid my weight has not changed this week. I am 16st 2lb but this is not a surprise as I have not really tried too much and work has prevented me getting to my normal exercise classes. I have been doing my 100 - 150 crunches each morning and today boy can I feel that, I even might have pulled something. I am now crunching from the waist and also lifting my legs to meet my hands in the middle - it is really straining! but I need it...

Now I am sitting here with an opportunity to write, I do not know what to say. So many times when I can not get to the PC I sit there and conjure up a great blog entry - isn't that just the way.

So far today I am abstinent and very grateful for that. My temper had been getting the better of me again recently and I have been short with the kids or shouty, I realised last night at meeting that I need to be abstinent to stay in a good frame of mind to ensure that I am being the best person I can be. Whilst my head is obsessed with food and temptation I am not all I should be. So yet again I am trying - I need to do some serious praying to keep me focused.

I think I have two little ladies who do not feel well today, streaming noses and gunky eyes as well as teeth coming through accompanied by runny bums and general miseries! I feel quite unsure what to do - I have this big 'to do' list of things to get through but then the girls will probably not sleep again today (as they fell asleep for 1/2 hr in the pushchair on the way back form toddlers). I ought to just allow myself to enjoy 2 hours with the girls and whatever TV we fancy before we collect JJ. I think sometimes I do just need to give myself permission not to achieve and just to enjoy my kids. The girls are at a lovely age at the moment - they will be 2 in 3 weeks and their amount of chatting and fun we have is great.

So off now to do lunch for us all - I will stick to plan, planning the night before does help me so much. Then some playing and resting is the order of the day - after all I was up at 1.30am this morning with M crying in my arms - we fell asleep together on the single bed in the girls room but it was not comfy and I feel quite tired today for it.

Worship to bless God and not to satisfy me!

There was a good sermon at church this morning, the youth and worship pastor led it and I can really relate to what he spoke about. He talked of us worshipping to bless God and doing it for God as it pleases him and not because we want to, or because it satisfies a need for us. It is just plain rude when we pick and choose which song or style or music we like and only join in at our convenience.

Boy, could I relate to this. I have been so guilty of this in the past. I can remember myself saying that I hate a particular song, or won't sing as I do not know this one etc etc. I hope to be far more conscious of this in the future and to just really give my couple of hours each week at church to God to bless him as he is sovereign and rules. I really love to sing and I must try to do more of it, just because God loves to hear me and to know that I am thinking of him.

End of week 8 update

I was on hols last Thursday so I did not weigh and did not even think about the fact it was weigh day and that feels good. I did weigh this morning though and not surprisingly I was up to 16st 2lb, so a put on of about 5lb in just over a week. My holiday was fab though and if I am honest whilst I was marginally better than holidays in the past I was not at all abstinent.

I took my 'for today' book with me and there was some good and relevant readings but I hardly read any literature at all. So when I wake in the morning, it all starts again - once more - and this time I pray that by the grace of God it will be successful. I so do not want to pass this awful disease to my children and every day I still act irrationally around food they are learning those early habits.

2 in a row - better keep an eye.....

Just read back over my last blog entry before today and I had not even remembered that I felt the same way last Saturday as I do today. There does seem to be more blah days just recently. I suppose I better keep an eye on that. They often say that with therapy it gets worse before it gets better - so that could be some of it I suppose.

Feeling bogged down!

I am back from my hols and we had a wonderful time, I was sad to leave and come home. I had intended this first post back to be a cheerful one about what a fab time we all had - perhaps I will feel up to that post later.

At the moment I just have a busy head and I feel really bogged down. It is totally irrational and I assume I am feeling like it because it is that time of the month and my hormones are haywire but perhaps there is another reason and I am just not aware of it. I know I want to eat and that is me trying to mask feelings and worries. I do hate this crazy illness that they call compulsive overeating but I feel so lethargic to do anything about it. I know that once I can really admit I am powerless over food and that it is God who will change me and my life then things will start to turn around but I do seem to be fighting that.

My head tells me off as there is nothing to be worrying about. Why can I not just relax and enjoy a day with my family? We only came back yesterday and already the washing and ironing is up to date but here I am worrying that I need to prepare tomorrow dinner, mow the lawn, plant some flowers, do the PTA summer fete breakdown, answer emails, catch up with friends on the net, clean out the car, do some ironing and sorting for ebay, put the ebay listings up. It is completely crazy, many people can just enjoy a day with their family and be content that everyone has had a good time and that is enough of an achievement in one day for them - I would love that. I have many friends who can just do a day of being and not have to keep rushing around doing stuff all day. I know many people think I try to be superwoman with trying to get everything done but actually the truth is that I am just a complete head case!

One day I will be normal, I do believe that. God will restore me to sanity.

Been a miserable old cow today!

...........and I do not even know why. Maybe I just woke up wrong. From very early in the morning I felt anxious and apprehensive and unable to make a simple decision. I know I was more grumpy/ short with the kids than I should have been, they did not deserve it - sorry JJ, M and E.

It was one of those days when I just wanted to have been left alone. I needed some me time and with no school, no dh and no babysitters I had the kids all day on my own - it can get very lonely with no adult company.

When I think back the kids all behaved pretty well and they did some fun stuff but I just did not really like my day at all. I started to feel better when we got home at 4.30pm and I actually just sat down and vegged for 1/2 hour whilst they all enjoyed the nice weather playing in the garden.

I really do not know why I was a grumpy cow, I hope it was a one off. I felt really overloaded for some reason and it was not entirely rational. It was how I started to feel last year when I was bogged down and depressed. It could just have been the thought of the busy weekend ahead and the stress of doing the money for the school fete and then packing for holiday - tomorrow will be a manic day but I can only do what I can do and I must relax and let it go.

Let go and let God, that is one of the ED meeting mantras - so true.

Going to put the ironing away now and treat myself to an early night.

Tired Friday, end of week 7

Just a quick post, feeling very tired and I ought to stop sitting at the PC. Been a busy day with the kids - just playing and sorting stuff. We are off to Butlins on Monday and I am getting very excited now - 5 adults and 3 kids - yay they are outnumbered at last! Dh and I will actually get some together alone - how lovely, some cuddles!

ED meeting was good last night, we covered step one, so that was just needed for me. I realise I must learn to surrender and stop being focused on the weight loss and realise that once I accept I need to stop eating compulsively and turn it over to God, the rest follows. I will keep working at it. Taking my literature with me next week.

Weighed yesterday morning, the scales were saying 15st 11lb, so I am now about 2 stone lighter than before I feel PG with the girls. That is wonderful but I have to remember to focus on abstinence to keep it going. Will try and post properly over the weekend, but if life gets in the way, then I will see you in about a week - have a good one!

Update from yesterday & shopping addiction!

In 100% better mood today. I did not enjoy yesterday at all, I tried not to allow myself to get too low and to wallow in things but I did end up eating a bar of chocolate that was not planned for. Did I feel better for eating it? not really. Did I really enjoy it? not really - must remember that for next time.

Dh and I had a good old chat last night and got some stuff in the open and I feel better for knowing his views but am so sorry I have inadvertently hurt him. He has enough issues without me adding more, so I will try and actively remember to curb my spending and to be good. What is it they say - look after the pennies and the pounds will take care of themselves.

I think I am starting to identify that spending/ shopping is my other addiction. I like the thrill of having something new. Where I have lost weight recently I have got all excited and bought a few new things and because they have individually been cheap £3 or £5, then I have told myself it is OK, but I forget it all adds up. So I have some bits to take back and put the money back in our bank account.

It is really crazy as I get seduced by the fact that something is reduced and therefore a good deal but I must stop. I think I will just have to stay away from the shops for now and keep temptation out of my way until I have done some more reading and worked the steps more to learn to see the difference between want and need.

I did not realise but it appears that I am even being compulsive with the food shopping and overspending there. I really do not mean to do that. I said to A last night that maybe I will have a food list which I agree with him and then I can not deviate off it or he can go shopping.

So for now I am on a spending ban. Luckily my gym membership is taken care of out of my salary so I can continue to enjoy that and things like toddlers cost just £1.50 so I will keep going there, but meals out need to be minimal and nights out with the girls stopped etc etc. We are on holiday next week and there will be a cost there and then it is time for the car service and car tax very soon - £400 out the window. I must keep this bigger picture in focus.

I have decided I will look at our spending and the bank account more often, so that A does not have to feel the responsibility is all on him. We are a partnership and we need to strive to do things together.

Grace in small things

In an attempt to make myself feel more cheerful and to pull me out of the doldrums I will try and be glad of 5 things.

1. I got a lovely comment from someone at church yesterday to say how lovely and full of life Jacob is. It is so nice to hear that some people appreciate his vivacious ways.
2. Work is not stressful at the moment and I have enough time between each activity to think and get my work just right.
3. My ironing is all up to date!
4. This time next week I will be travelling to my holidays! yay
5. God is in my life and he makes it so much better than it would be otherwise.

Trying not to be down

I feel a bit blah today and I am trying really hard not to. I know that it is just a state of mind (it could be hormonal too - I lose track!) and I can work hard to stay in good form and not to allow other people or events to affect my mind state.

So far today I have forgotten to bring my handbag to work - so have no money, phone or entrance card for work. I then got to work and realised I had forgotten to give the girls dummies to nursery - so I do hope they have managed to go off to sleep without them.

About noon I was just walking out the door to go to aqua aerobics when something made me check my bag and low and behold I have forgotten my swimsuit - so glad I did not walk all the way over there to find out. I could really have done with a good jump around and to know I have actively participated in my health kick today.

I have been good with food so far today but it is constantly on my mind and it feels a real battle today. So the answer must be that I should pray.

Then I will call my hubbie and try to clear the air, I hate it when it feels as if we are out of balance with each other.

For today: Just Being

I was reading my 'for today' book this morning and the days reading really appealed to me. I did not realise it would at first as it was talking about the knowledge that I possess being available to others but that my heart is just my own. It then went on to say that the 12 steps open my heart, free my mind and release my God-given potential for the peaceful enjoyment of just being.

I am sure you may have read me banging on about how much I 'do' and how little I spend time just 'being' so this really spoke to me. Yet again I feel that God has reinforced that he wants me to slow down and spend time really getting to know him and also myself. For someone like me this is so liberating - it is OK to play with my kids, lay on a bed to think and just wonder around alone.

Feeling confused!

I am doing pretty darn well at the moment. I have been praying lots, reading my literature and calling dh if I need to talk - all to stop me compulsively eating. I have not been perfect but I have been so much better and seeing as my ED meeting teaches me to 'go easy on myself' I am feeling good too.

I am still too focused on losing weight rather than sorting out my compulsive behaviour. Do not get me wrong, I do want to sort that out but for me, at the moment it is secondary. I have been worrying about this but a friend at ED the other night told me to give myself space and time and not to try and force things on myself. Everything is in God's time and not mine and it will come if I let it. This was very comforting to me.

So Thursday I was abstinent, yesterday not so great and today so far (thank you Lord) I have been abstinent. One day at a time - I will keep striving for wellness and wholeness and with this will come the weight loss that I so long for..... and also hopefully the 'normal' eating behaviour that will teach my kids the right way to be around food, rather than them grow up obsessed with food like I am.

I am struggling to get my thoughts in order at the moment to make a decision of what is right for me. Abstinence as defined by ED is 'refraining from compulsive overeating'. This keeps it nice and simple and then everyone has their own plan of eating that they work to achieve this goal. Many people seem to give up sugar, white flour and anything made with those two, others give up fats, fried foods, caffeine. I find the thought of living without these things horrifying! At the moment I truly do not believe that I need to give up white flour - it is not a trigger food for me.

I have learnt that whatever plan I make is OK as long as my behaviour is not compulsive. I must wait and pray and see what the Lord reveals to me. Perhaps I am being naive at the moment and I will need to give up all sugar and white flour etc. For now I will be content to stay away from chocolate, cakes, biscuits and butter - as those are the things that I know create problems and I just want excessive portions of.

I love having this blog, it is so therapeutic to get my thoughts down and to feel a little more relived of the great weights that I carry around in my mind.

Off to read some literature now and make the most of my little ladies having a snooze.

Today I have a problem.............

..........it is a tad annoying but I can live with it. I have to keep pulling up my jeans as they are now too big! and my best belt seems to be missing!

Now that is the sort of problem that I like! lol

I tried on a few things last night/ this morning and I am really starting to see the difference. I think the 100-150 crunches that I am doing every day are starting to have an impact. I need to sell my beautiful Monsoon dress I wore twice in December as it literally falls off me now and there are some summer items I have got out of the drawers that I can get into.

I weighed this morning (was feeling so excited) and was pleased to see I am at 15st 13lb. Back down into those magic 15's............... roll on the 14's!

OK, slow down Mich, one day at a time remember.

Grace in small things

You never know, I might actually get to post every day for a week about the grace I have found in small things.

1. I love my family and the important ones are all still with me
2. My progression meeting at work yesterday went pretty well (I think!)
3. I have on a new pair of gorgeous cut-off trousers, that I am positive would not have fitted me 2 months ago
4. My girlies are both napping right now after playing and chatting together in their cots for over an hour!
5. It is the Apprentice tonight and 2 hours of it! yay

No more excuses!

I woke up this morning feeling very adamant that I have to stop making excuses and I need to really get my head around being good with food and being abstinent. The day has been pretty good so far, I resisted cakes at work.

I know what my problem is at the moment: I want to lose weight first and sort out my crazy head and compulsive overeating second but I have that round the wrong way! I must rely on God more and willpower less that is when I will see the change and things will dramatically get better.

It is now 6 weeks (will weigh tomorrow morning) since I started going to my ED meetings and I just know there has not been that much weight loss but I do feel so much happier when I look in the mirror, some of that could be the exercise I have been doing - gym, aqua and crunches but it might just be that some of it is in the mind and I just feel better and thus look better. I have bought a few new clothes recently and I a convinced I look better in them and that my double chin is looking far less chunky.

So I am very happy to continue with this journey and I know that this needs to be a change for life and not just a short term diet and some weight loss that all might go back on again. I am really not sure how I move my fixation from losing weight to one of getting well. I presume it is just working with God more and undertaking more spiritual activities so I am in tune and awake to his words.

I am getting a tad fed up with myself now, of breaking my abstinence each day and hearing excuses about how much I am mentally adapting and trying and thus it is OK. No Michelle it is not OK, do not use excuses. When I feel the urge to eat and I know it is not true hunger I must pray instead.

Today's Grace in small things

1. My nails are nice and long right now and painted a pretty pink colour (you can always tell how well I am emotionally and spiritually feeling by the state of my nails!)
2. My girls are sleeping really well at the moment, with M going to sleep without the screaming antics
3. I am going to aqua aerobics tonight and I did 120 crunches this morning before getting dressed
4. I am blessed to go to a fab church, full of great people
5. There is nothing planned for this weekend - yay relaxation here we come...

End of week 5 and progress update

Well week 5 ended last Thursday and I was 16st 1lb (seem to be hanging around that area) but still a good loss from where I started and I must remember that this program is not all about weight loss, it is about sorting out my compulsive habits and crazy head. Weight loss comes as an added benefit when I commit to abstinence, which I am sad to say has not happened yet - but I must remember to live one day at a time, as today has been great so far and thus it could be the first day of my abstinence. Not sure I am in the right mind set but all I can do is pray and turn it over to God and ask for his help in this situation.

I am feeling really quite positive. I was driving to work yesterday and I was thinking about all the things I had to look forward to and I am not talking about big and exciting things, just things like meeting a friend at toddler group, going to my ED meeting etc and I realised I am quite content at the moment and really trying to live in the moment - not thinking too far ahead. It is very nice.

When I think back to this time last year I had been at the doctors crying about how I could not cope and felt so down, they had given me prozac, which I refused to take and I just started to pour out my feelings and tell the world (but especially my virtual and real twin mummy friends - thank you special ladies) how I felt. This helped me so much and within a few months I felt like me again and enjoyed being a mummy and wife again. Message for any women reading - you are not superwoman or supermum and do not try to be. One woman can only do so many things in a day and if you try to do more, especially with a hint of perfection then you will fail and end up feeling completely miserable and out of control - take it from an expert! lol

So now I had better get on with some work, a good day awaits me..............

Grace in small things

Well, it has not been the best day in history (bit of a balls up at work!) so to remind myself how lucky I am here is a quick Grace in small things -

1. The sun is shining and the whole world seems a better place when that is happening
2. My MIL is cooking my dinner as I type - yummy sausage casserole
3. I have been good foodwise today, even when feeling down.
4. I only have to live one day at a time, beyond that is too much to think about
5. I am now going to pick up my kids and hubbie and get some great hugs and kisses

I hope to be back tonight, I have loads of stuff I want to say, but the ironing is calling - so maybe not

To weigh or not to weigh?

At work today someone asked me how much weight I had lost as it looked like loads. I was obviously pleased that they said that but also a bit embarrassed and I was trying to put my finger on why I was embarrassed. I think it might be because I have not tried as hard as I could have over the last couple of weeks and thus I feel a bit like a fraud!

I have not weighed since last Thursday and this must be a record for me and I am now wondering whether I should bother weighing as often. It has been quiet a release to not have to weigh and worry if it will be good or bad. I want to get rid of anything in my life that will affect my mood and potentially have me heading for the food - be it is commiserate or celebrate.

So I will ponder on this and see what I decide.

Week 4 update

I forgot to post and update how I did during my 4th week of attending the ED meetings. Perhaps I forgot on purpose as the result was not great. I weighed 16st 2lb on Thursday morning, 3lb up from the week before, I could kid myself that this was because my period had arrived and I was bloated but basically I think I have just eaten too much.

As per the week before, there have been good and bad days but generally I am feeling fairly happy with my progress as I do feel that some head stuff is coming out and my clarity of thought is improving.

For Today: Anger update

I posted the other day about realising my anger and acknowledging it and asking for God to remove it. I feel things have been going fairly well and for that I am so grateful. I was reading my book this morning 'For today' and the topic was anger. Here is what it said -

'God gave me a mind and a spirit, a capacity for love and compassion. Anger destroys those gifts as surely as compulsive overeating destroyed them. Acknowledging my anger is a positive step, but do I see its source as a defect within me? Or do I blame it on something outside myself: what someone said or did, a job, a situation, the weather, anything. When I am angry I am no good to anyone, least of all myself'.

This all really struck cords with me. I was pleased to realise that I do know it is a defect within me and I am no longer prepared to blame anyone else for my problems.

MIA

Just realised I have not blogged for a few days and do not really have the mental energy to do it now but I do miss you!

All is well here, went out last night and got very pissed - great night with dh! and Mum is here today so we have entertained the kids and been to the park, as well as doing lots of gardening jobs - so feel quite satisfied. Will finish the garden tomorrow and perhaps even wash the car.

My meeting was good on Thursday but being my first day of my period I am in pain and my resistance is low. I am actually going out in a minute to buy chocolate and will wake in the morning and try again. One day it will work and I will be abstinent.

Kids are all in a lovely phase at the moment, or it could just be that I am appreciating them more since deciding to hold my anger. M has a big thing about running up to me at the moment and shouting 'uddles' and I get a huge hug. E has discovered pigtails and looks like the prettiest 22 month old ever to live and JJ is just so grown up and such good fun to be around.

Right off to relax with a mag, catch you soon.

Goodbye anger

I had one of those real pinnacle moments on Sunday evening. Dh had gone to church and I was ironing so I decided to watch a programme on C4 called The Unloved. It was about a child going into a care home and their experience there. It started off by showing an abusive father getting really cross with his daughter as she had lost some money. He got incredibly mad and beat his child - it was NOT this part that rang a bell with me. What got me thinking was the wording he used at the beginning, he kept saying 'you are making me angry now' to the child and you could see he was thinking on the problem more and more and getting so wound up.

I can think of a time when I have told JJ you are making me so mad and I have said it in complete anger and sent him to his room. I have not hit him or anything like that but inside I have been so angry that I have hit the sofa or screamed or thrown something. None of those are attractive admissions. Please know, that I do not want to be typing this blog entry - I am sure this is making me look like a right physo cow but seeing as this blog is primarily for me, this is a way of me ensuring that I take steps to tackle my anger and watch how I speak to/ act around my children in the future.

Yesterday M started to cry after she had gone to bed and dh said to me 'that was you stomping down the stairs', he said it in a slightly pissed off manner but nothing too bad. It made me feel bad though as it was not justified, he was just cross. This really got me thinking too of how sometimes the kids do something in error (like hit me or break something or make a massive mess) and I speak to them in a totally non-respectful way, a way I would not speak to an adult stranger. They do say you hurt those most that you love the most!

I have decided that I have to change and not excessively shout any more (I have been reading a book which is about parenting and teaches that if you shout at your kids you just teach them to shout back), and never do anything physical to my kids (like a tap on the hand). I want to build a relationship of mutual respect, love and trust and this is so important to me.

I have realised just how awful my tone has been with my kids sometimes or the outbursts I might have had and it is not acceptable. I will change. My 'for today' book had a reading about how we all sin and we must repent and pass that sin to God and he will heal us and take away our character defects.

So Lord, I am so sorry for every injustice I have ever done towards my children and I pray that you will take away my anger and increase my patience and love. Fill me with the Holy Spirit. Amen

For today - I am the best I can be...

One of the important lessons I am learning from attending my ED meetings are that we have to live each day, one day at a time. Life gets so tied up with planning and trying to be someone or something different in the future that we can get lost along the way.

Over the last few days I have really felt that I am doing just that, living for the day. When I make a mistake I am able to say 'oh well, that was then, right now is different and I will not make that mistake again but I will stay positive and get on with the day, rather than allowing it to bug me'. I remember a friend used to have the moto 'seize the day' and I never really got it - but now I do!

So really what I have grasped is that all God asks of me is to be the best person I can be on that day. It is what we say to children all the time 'as long as you tried your hardest that is great'. How liberating to know that same rule applies to me too, as I am also someone's child.

Reflective Sunday

First off, I just have to say that I weighed this morning, I know I should not have but the scales glady said 15st 13lb and that means I am down into that next bracket. From a start weight of 17st 10lb it feels good to know that my walk with God is working. Lets see what those scales say on Thursday. I am finding it hard to know whether I should be weighing though as the main purpose of my group and programme is to free me from obsessive eating and weighing forms a part of that but for me to lose the weight and become more healthy is two pronged with sorting my head out and passing good eating habits onto my kids. They always say I should do what is right for me and this feels right - so for now I will weigh once per week, perhaps until I am confident to move it to once per month and then chuck out the scales long term!

I have been doing lots of thinking, pondering and reflecting over the last few weeks. Here are some of my thoughts -

Things to be thankful to God for -

• I have found my excellent ED support group and am learning about the steps I have to take to truly know myself and overcome my illness
• I have learnt that all I have to focus on is one day at a time
• I went to a fete yesterday and bought the kids a small cake each and it did not even occur to me to have one. I know this will seem insignificant to some, but to someone like me who has a complete preoccupation with food it was amazing
• Chocolate was in my mouth yesterday before I even realised (I am not pleased about this! lol), what I am thankful for is that I realised that quickly and forgave myself for breaking abstinence and just decided that my day would start from after that, as all I have to worry about is the one day at a time
• My literature that supports the programme has arrive and reading some of it, it is so motivational for me - yay

Mistakes to avoid for the future -

• Forgetting to pray or think before any food goes in my mouth or I can end up eating for the sake of it
• Thinking that I can cope without my eating plan
• Thinking that I am in control and that I can just have some chocolate and then be OK! ha
• weighing myself too much

In the bin Daddy! lmao

Dh was going out earlier and we searched everywhere for this phone (this is one of the things with baby twins - they are great at squirreling things away) but to no avail.

When he came back later the girls where up from their nap and knowing that M is the more menacing he asked her where his phone was. Quite serioulsy she replied 'Bin Daddy'. Off we went to have a look and low and behold there it was. Very luck that she remembered after putting it there about 6 hours ago.

Dh then said to her 'Just like your Mummy, if you see something lying around and you tidy it up. Except you are more strict and it goes in the bin!'. I was laughing my socks off! It is quite an awakening when people acknowledge your quirky traits out loud.

Grace in small things for today

I feel so grateful, that I just must post before I go out. So today's 5 grace in small things are -

1. I have gone blogtastic and really enjoyed posting and updating ysterday and today
2. I am abstinant today and so grateful for Gods help
3. Dh has been off the last two days and it is always helpful to have that extra pair of hands around - can you imagine how much easier a walk to school gets without 2 x 22 month olds?
4. I am now off to toddler group and about to really enjoy some time with my girls
5. Only 1 week until I see my parents again and go to a wedding with dh - should be fun!

Being a twin...

Being a twin is a fab thing!

Here are some of the reasons why being a twin must be great, as observed by me -

1. someone to wipe your nose for you (yes they grab tissues and do each others noses)
2. someone to kiss you or stroke you when you cry
3. someone to always play with (or fight!)
4. when you do not fancy sleeping, there is someone to giggle with in your bedroom
5. a double size wardrobe - you always have something to wear!
6. you never get lonely in the buggy
7. everyone wants to chat to you in your buggy and tell you how cute you are, as there are two of you
8. someone who will share their food with you
9. if you do not fancy speaking, there is someone who will answer for you

I am sure there are many more, it is so lovely to watch them interacting and growing together. being a twin is a very special thing - I hope they will be good friends forever.

I am a butterfly, well caterpillar at the moment! lol

I heard a really good analogy last night which has got me thinking.

The lady talked of the Caterpillar becoming a butterfly. It builds it's cocoon and hides inside and reforms, the beautiful wings grow and then it has to really struggle to break it's way out of the cocoon. I never knew that it is really important for the butterfly to undergo this painful and difficult process as it is this struggle that strengthens their wings and helps them break free with the ability to fly. If someone thought they were being kind and cut them out of the cocoon they would never be able to fly and would just die.

This can definitely be applied to my life. Overcoming my overeating will be a major struggle but at the end of it I will be stronger and will of learnt to rely completely on God and hopefully I can fly. If someone else was to give me an easy fix (any diet, surgery, miracle weight loss cure), I would still have all the same emotional issues which would lead to me becoming fat and unhappy again. This is why diets do not work for so many people, they actually need to tackle the root cause of the problem and not the symptom.

Can you relate to this?

Mental Mind

I went to my meeting last night and was so clear on what I wanted to say on here - I really must try and get on here on a Thursday night when I return, because now after a good sleep and having the 2 little girls hanging around me it is a bit harder to focus on what I want to say.

Firstly I realised last night that I must again, start planning my food the night before and making sure that I stick to that plan. The logic is that I only can only eat what is on the plan and thus it takes away the constant preoccupation with food all day. It is what I did that first week when I lost 4lb and was abstinent from my trigger foods. So here I am this morning feeling pretty motivated. I prayed this morning and I must remember to keep doing so throughout today. I have my food planned and I really WANT to stick to it but it is through Gods will rather than my own as this illness is bigger than me. I wonder if that amazes anyone reading this to think that overeating is an illness?

I also checked back and I have been 16st 1lb for the last couple of weeks, so I have not put on as I thought I had yesterday - I have stayed the same. Certainly my clothes feel a bit better and my belt is a notch down. I am still regularly exercising and even on days when I feel as if I am doing pretty bad I am at least still very conscious of the fact that I am aiming to recover and that I have a long battle ahead, so my bad days at the moment pale in comparison to a few months back. My loss from my weight prior to having the girls is approximately 1.5 stone, so there is still that to celebrate. I would really love to be in the 15 stones by next weeks weigh in on Thursday, I think that would just be a boast to get away from this sticking point of 16st.

A week of kidding myself! end of week 3

I got on the scales this morning and they said 16st 1lb so slightly more than I was and I was grateful not to have put on - that tells you that I have not been great this week. In fact I think I have have just kid myself all week that I have been trying. I have had indian take away, chicken kebab, chocloate, biscuits, cakes.................... need I go on?

So I am very pleased to go to my ED meeting tonight and share with others and I pray that I will come home more motivated and able to control myself or at least rely on God to help me. Step 1 is going well, in fact I may be ready to progress to step 2 - I do believe that I have a problem and am powerless over food, now I have to believe that God can cure this problem for me and start to rely on him more.

The battle (that is exactly how it feels!) continues.............

Are you in prison?

I was reading my bible the other morning (can you believe it - I have now finally finished and can say I have read the bible cover to cover - still know nothing much about it but at least I have done it once - I will do it again!) and I came across a devotional from Max Lucado which really got me thinking.

Entitled the prison of want -
Luke 16:13 'You cannot serve both God and worldly riches'. Are you in prison? You are if you feel better when you have more and worse when you have less. You are if joy is one delivery away, one transfer away, one award away, or one makeover away. if your happiness comes from something you deposit, drive, drink or digest, then face it - you are in prison, the prison of want. That's the bad news. The good news is, you have a visitor. And your visitor has a message that can get you paroled. Make your way to the receiving room. Take your seat in the chair, and look across the table at the palmist David. He motions for you to lean forward 'I have a secret to tell you', he whispers 'the secret of satisfaction. 'The Lord is my shepherd; I have everything I need' (Psalm 23:1).

I am in prison, much less than I used to be. I am pleased to say that my wants in life have subsided but I am still guilty of wanting that next thing - the extension, the garage conversion, the second car etc etc. This really got me thinking though, I am so lucky and I have so much but what I should be focusing on is the wonderful life ahead of me. Living each day one day at a time and really enjoying it and making the most of it. I must stop planning so much and just trying to enjoy myself and my precious family.

Week 2 update

Well I have been a busy lady and have neglected to update my blog for a few days. I had Mum staying and then went back with her to see Dad for the weekend. I have had a lovely time with them and we got loads done at my home - cleaning, washing curtains, scrubbing windows, doing the garden etc etc

Last Thursday was my 2 week weigh in and I have to report that I lost no weight! but I am fine with that (really) as I do feel I am making some progress in regards to sorting my head out. My ED meetings have been going well, I am enjoying the fellowship and sharing, as well as the dedicated time to think about myself and not feel selfish. I am working step 1 at the moment and am being very honest with myself.

I am having good days and not so good days, but no real BAD days. There have been no major binges and no completely self destructive behaviour but I have succumbed to chocolate and other nice things.

I am feeling really good today, having been and done some aqua aerobics in my lunch break. My clothes definitely feel looser and I feel more confident and dare I say it, sexy - watch out dh!

Grace in small things

Just been reminded by a friend that I have not done one of these for a while and seeing as I am writing so much miserable stuff at the moment I felt I ought to really count my blessings and write something poitive.

So here is todays grace in small things -

1. I walked back from town to home today (it took about 50 mins) and I felt very good for the exercise and bumped into a good friend who I keep missing
2. A super friend has offered me a mobile phone as mine has broken
3. My Mum has been staying for the last week and we have done so many jobs around the house - my to do list has at least halved!
4. My girls went out for lunch and dinner today and bahaved so well both times - I am really proud of them
5. My big boy has a new boy in his class and he tells me he is making an effort to talk to him and ask him to play - we have read a book recently about the golden rule - Do unto others as you would like done to yourself and the story is about a new girl at school and how left out she feels. It is so nice to see JJ taking on board the advice himself and trying to be friendly

That is it for today.................catch you soon

Emotionally exhausted

What a day! and it is not over yet...............still the bath and bedtime routine to get through. I do hope that blonde daughter behaves tonight and goes off to sleep nicely rather than screaming the house down and making herself sick like she did last night.

Who knows why today has felt so bad? Work was fine, I got lots done and then I had a nice relax and watched an hour orfTV and even got a few PTA bits/ ebays listings done. That is when it started to go belly up as I had not left myself enough time to get the girls ready to collect JJ from school and the pushchair broke. I got in such a paddy - it is funny now I have a quiet few minutes and think about it (kids currently in the garden causing havoc - I love this weather!). I threw a spanner at the floor in anger. I really needed anger management at that point. I then proceeded to eat a packet of crsips and a chocolate mini roll - as if that would help me, but my warped mind said that yet again food was the answer.

I had all these jobs in my mind that I wanted to get done today and hardly any of them have been achieved and this makes me feel down but I know that I plan for too much and thus set myself up to fail. Perhaps I will get something done once the kids are in bed or maybe I should just stop myself and remember that I am supposed to value myself for who I am and not what I do.

Devil on my shoulder

Well the last few days have not been great. Foodwise they have been a real struggle. My Mum has been here staying with me and that is great, we have a lovely time together but I think it also lessens my resistance, having someone else around to eat with - not that she has the same issues as me, she is 5 stone lighter for a start.

Last night dh suggested I was in denial as I was choosing to have some chocolate and now thinking back on it, he may well be right. Last night I felt I was in control and I had just made a conscious decision to have some chocolate and that it would be fine. I thought that because I was not feeling hurt/ angry/ lonely/ worried or any other type of negative emotion that it was OK to have it. I now just think the devil was tapping away at me and helping me to be naughty. Slowly over the last few days I have had more and more naughty things (things I have no control over).

Yesterday I ate - weetabix and milk for breakfast, roast pork in a roll for lunch. All fine to here, then things went to pot! Piece of coffee cake, 2 choc chip cookies, 1 chocolate mini roll, 1 tiny brownie, few chipstick crisps, packet of chocolate, half tub Ben and Jerrys ice cream and a beef roast dinner with yorkshires. Oh what a day!

I have prayed hard this morning and I will endeavour to pray throughout the day to ensure that I do not have such a rubbish day again. No one said this abstinence and getting my eating in order would be easy - did they?

Onwards and upwards, feeling positive at the moment, sitting at 16 stone right now, so really hope that by my Thursday weigh in, I will be down in the 15's and back at a weight I have not been at since 2006.

I fixed your paper Daddy.

This morning dh and I came downstairs and JJ was already there. A picked up his paper and asked why it was on the floor, JJ explained that he had fixed Daddy's paper as it had fallen apart. A and I were in stitches when we realised that JJ had stapled his newspaper together (to the point that you can not read the middle third!) as it had fallen on the floor and gone everywhere. JJ did not realise that papers do this, he is just used to comics - so he thought he was being really helpful.

He gave me a wonderful laugh this morning, he was so serious about it all.

Just eaten chocolate

Could not think of anything better to entitle this post, but wanted to write this down so I can remember how I feel and hopefully stop myself next time.

About 20 mins ago I had a cuppa and realised how nice to would be with some chocolate. Now there is not much in my house at the moment, for obvious reasons! but there was some of the kids smarties, so I have just eaten a tube of smarties - fairly quickly and hardly even tasted them and certainly not really enjoyed them! whoops

I have done 7 good days of abstinence from chocolate and blown it but I am not going to let that get me down and affect my state of mind as that will be disruptive and pointless. I will put it behind me and start again right now.

Realisation - eating will be a conscious effort for the rest of my life...

I realised this morning that I will need to be aware for evermore of what I am eating. Everything will be a choice - do I eat it or abstain? That will be quite a big thing in my life, how bizzare that something as wonderful as food can become an addiction - a type of drug that has to be controlled and avoided at times.

I was making the girls toast and I wondered whether to pop myself a slice in as well - the logic being there was 2 slots in the toaster and thus 2 pieces were necessary. I then stopped myself and thought was I eating for habit or was I actually hungry? I decided no I was not hungry and I did not need the toast. The girls ate theirs and I did not miss it one bit. Another moment where I am proud of myself.

Woe is me

I was listening to someone the other day talking about how they had an argument with their Mum and it was unlikely they would ever speak again. This person talked about how she instantly felt as if she was an orphan and no-one loved her, she was all alone in the world and all sorts of things like that. In her words the self-pity had kicked in. Luckily her rational brain then said no, you have this, that and the other.

This really got me thinking and I could relate to everything she had said. If something happens I am fairly likely to go into overdrive and my imagination runs away with itself and by the end something that was quite small turns into a major drama. This is not a character trait I like and definitely one I have tried to work on over the years, but something happened the other day which again made me start to worry so I will need to be aware that while I am going through this journey to sort out my eating that I am perhaps more vulnerable to negative thoughts.

One of my fears as a younger person was that people did not really like me and found me a pest and did not want me around, I sort of go to grips with this - well to the extent that some of my friends have now been around for 18 odd years and my dh has been around for about 15 years. However I now have the fear that my boy JJ is the one who is not so liked and that his little friends would rather have someone else round for tea etc - it breaks my heart but I must just offer it up in prayer and hand it over tot he Lord for my worry can not help JJ at all.

End of week 1 celebration

So I weighed myself this morning, having got to a week after I started my ED meeting and started 'being good'. I am pleased to report that I have lost 4lb. At first I was not so pleased with this as normally when I start a diet I can shift 1/2 stone easily. I then had to remind myself I had not been on a diet the last week - I have eaten well and enjoyed my food, last night I even went out and had garlic bread and a meat calzone - so I have not exactly been depriving myself. How great is that to cut out chocolate and cakes and to have lost 4lb?

Some times have been really difficult, others have been a breeze but I have been aware of how I have been eating all week and I have not allowed myself to eat from comfort. So generally I am pleased with my week 1 progress.

Off to my meeting tonight to learn a bit more and hopefully be inspired to carry on for another week.

Dress for the job you want

I was watching a programme earlier and they were talking about the woman dressing for the career she wants rather than the one she has. This tied in with my thoughts earlier today when I was at work. I handed over some work and asked someone to do something and was told that it should be the line managers responsibility. We are quiet in my team at the moment and the issue is definitely a HR one, so I suppose the difference is that I dress and think for the job I want, not the one I have. Having always done a higher level/ more demanding role in the past (before having my kids and taking this part-time role) I still have the same mentality of getting the job done and ensuring the customer knows they are king. It just reminded me today that not everyone is like me and that some people are quite happy to dress for the job they have, because in fact that is the one they want. Do not get me wrong, there is nothing bad about this and I am not putting them down, it is just interesting to see how different people function.

I really find it hard to understand why some people get hung up with apportioning blame and wanting to know who made an error rather than the bigger issue of why the error was made and how we are dealing with it to ensure it is rectified this time and does not happen again. I have noticed changes in myself in the last year or so, especially since being back at work. I am enjoying my role being more supervisory again and having to take on different tasks. Also taking that overall helicopter view again is interesting.

I don't think there is a real point to today's blog entry (lol) but I did find it interesting to realise how much I am now enjoying my work and that I have yet again started to think about the future and my career options. I will try not to get too hung up on this as God may have other plans for me in a more Christian based vocation...................I will wait on the Lord and see.

Feeling very pleased with myself

.........but not in a smug way, just in a 'well done Mich, keep it up' kind of way.

I am feeling pleased with myself firstly, because I presented at a training course today and really enjoyed myself and got good feedback from a number of people. Apparently my skills are wasted in my current job, I also got told I should become a lecturer as I have the rare skill to present information clearly in a fun and informative way.

The second reason I am feeling very good is the amount of times I have resisted temptation today. Cakes arrived at work this morning, 8 tubs of gorgeous M&S mini cakes to be precise and I do love those but I was determined not to have any - I checked the packets out, peered into the tubs and yaaay did not take a thing. I settled for my yogurt instead. I am now on day 5 of abstinence from chocolate and cakes.

Later I was bathing the girls and JJ (thinking he was being kind) bought me up a lump of chocolate - I promptly binned it to keep it away from me.

I also went to aqua yesterday, the gym today and tomorrow I intend to gym and swim.

I now just need to keep this up for life...................lol, one day at a time remember Mich!

I am so blessed

I was just on my way back from an aqua aerobics session and was feeling so motivated when I realised I really ought to post about how blessed I am. All that kept coming to mind was the song 'I feel lucky'.

So for a happy post of the day - here is why I am so blessed -

• I love my hubbie and he loves me (I also fancy him too!)
• I have three Divine children, who are sparky and vivacious as well as loving and caring
• I get to work for 2.5 days per week which gives me some time to be an adult and earn a bit of money too
• I get to spend the other 4.5 days per week with my kids and doing mummy things like, school runs, coffee mornings, toddlers groups, oh and a cleaning too! lol
• There is enough time on my working days (be it early morning or lunchtime) to go to the gym, have a swim, do aqua etc
• We have found a great new Church to become part of
• I have some wonderful long term Christian friends and some great new Christian friends who all support me in prayer
• I also have some fab friends who I have now known for about 15 years and love and miss so much
• I have a great group of mummy friends who share all my parenting struggles
• My kids have fab Godparents who really bless them

and now I should be working, so that is it for now!

It's been hard today...........

Update following on from earlier.........

It has been a really hard day. It is now 8pm ish and I feel more in control. I am just having my tea and foodwise I have been pretty darn good today. I did go off plan but not to have anything naughty or more calorific (just because the Shepherd's pie I planned to have could not be cooked from frozen. Note to self: check earlier next time!)

I have felt like a proper addict going cold turkey today. I have thought about and craved food, especially bad comfort food (chocolate, biscuits etc) so many times today and have prayed and come through it. It does feel good to know this is the second day without any bad snacking and day 2 of no chocolate. It might not sound a lot but it is a start......... 1 day at a time I must remember.

Dh and I had planned to take the kids to the lake/ park after he finished work today and it looked like it might rain so I kept thinking about going out for a meal instead. This I decided is OK if I am going for entertainment/ to enjoy food/ to socialise.

Later during the afternoon I broke my new shoes (2 weeks old, gorgeous, just worn in, £35 in the sale!) and I was gutted, on an instant downer. My immediate thought was that I now needed a take-away to help me feel better about it. Luckily I caught that thought and realised what I was doing. I started convincing myself I could have a healthy take-away (a grilled chicken kebab with salad - no sauce) and then it would be OK to do so. I met with dh and we did our walk round the lake and I explained to him and he reaffirmed that if I am going to eat because it is comfort to me and it is to mask another feeling then I must resist and hold back. I am pleased to say I am sat here with a healthy tea I cooked myself.

So tomorrow is another day and I am going to keep journeying and trying my best with Gods help. I am also going to be firm and not weigh myself until next Thursday morning - please Lord let there be a lovely surprise for my hard work.

Grace in small things

1. I feel so much happier than I did this morning, my belly is full and my head feels a bit more sorted............ for now.
2. The girls are having a lovely nap right now
3. JJ and I have been making some cards for people, he is such a sweetie
4. dh is coming home early today so we can take the kids to the park
5. the sun might not be out but at least it is not raining! (watch it start now!)

Right off outside to clean the windows and frames while the girls nap

Update on the kids

Thought I would do a more positive post and give an update on where my gorgeous twinnies and handsome young man are at the moment.

The girls - 21 months
Both now chat, M more so. In fact she will copy everything you say to her. Her pronunciation is not great but she will try hard - she learnt to say sorry (orry) yesterday and that is very cute. She is practising that lots on E. E says less but is actually much better with sounding her words out, whereas M will say 'dum dum', E will say is a small, cute voice 'dummy please'.

They are running around behind me now in the living room having a right giggle with each other, that is the gorgeous thing about twins - they do appear to have such fun. I think JJ feels quite left out sometimes and he tries to join in but of course he is so much more boisterous than them so it can ends in tears.

Both girls love to dress up, especially E with hair clips, 'pretty' she tells me and does a twirl. M is more into clothes and will tell you 'wow wee' when you dress her in something new. She is currently wearing a pink frilly Dora sunhat, which seems to be her favourite item right now - whatever the outfit! ohh and both love my shoes and fighting over them. I remember JJ walking around in my high heels and now I have 2 more little people doing the same.

They are confident little girls, running off at toddler groups to explore and try new things out. They chat to people when in their buggy but E can be more shy if someone comes to her rather than letting her initiate the conversation. I get so many stares and smiles on the streets when I am out with them both - it does remind me of how blessed I am to be a twin mummy.

M really loves her mummy, always wanting cuddles and to be held. I indulge her (and me!) sometimes but I am determined not to have clingy kids. I must do OK as JJ is just the right balance, happy to leave me and play alone but always coming back to play with me and have a snuggle. E will give you a snuggle at bed time but she saves her best love for Alfie, her teddy.

So in a nutshell M is loud, chatty, demanding, funny, hilarious in fact, cheeky, a clown! Whilst E
is more quiet, content, facially expressive, stubborn and just plain beautiful - outside and in.

JJ - 5.5 years
He is such a tall boy now, in age 7-8 year clothes. He is also quite mature in his conversational skills and has some fab chats with you about all sorts. Emotionally he is still very much his age and a boy! need I say more. He is like a Labrador puppy who has not yet grown into his paws. Often falling over or knocking people by accident - clumsy is the word to describe him!

JJ has a very keen mind and loves to learn, he plays imaginative games alot and writes himself registers, adverts, magazines, lists etc to aid his play or you might find him cutting out a walkie talkie for a game. His reading and maths are coming on well at school and he actually enjoys what he does - which is so important. He goes to a sports club each week and runs loads of energy off and enjoys that.

Loud is probably the single word I would use to describe JJ, as well as vivacious, full of life, complete fun, energetic, loving, bright, caring and handsome.

He adores his sisters and is so sweet with them most of the time, always trying to help and not really understanding where the boundary is, but he will learn.

Blah day!

Well the title sums it up really. I feel totally grumpy and blah today and there is no real reason why. I get like this sometimes but normally it is in the evening and then I just go to bed so the day is over and I wake in a much better mood. Today it is more of a problem as it is only 10am and I have felt blah for over an hour and boy is there lots of the day left yet! (dh is also at work, so it is just me and the kids).

I acually want to just cocoon in bed or on the sofa in silence and do nothing - perhaps watch crap TV and definately stuff my face.............. but of course I can not do that. That is probably the reason why I feel like this, my every thought is obsessing about food, I feel physcially tired, mentally lethargic, worthless, as if I am achieving nothing and my warped logic seems to think that food will help me but of course it will not. I got on the scales this morning and I had lost weight I must rememebr how great that feels and today I am wearing an outfit I have not worn for a while and whilst it is not perfect it feels OK, the top is a 20 rather than a size 22 or 24.

I must focus on and remember why I am taking this incredibly hard journey. I need to ensure that my kids are bought up without the issues that I have. I want them to be well rounded adults whose every thought is not taken up with food. They may be slim or slightly overweight, that will be their choice but I will do everything in my power to ensure that they will be healthy in both body and mind.

All of a sudden it comes to me - what must I do - turn this over to the Lord for this problem is too big and far too close to home for me to deal with alone. Jesus, please help me, be with me and show me your will, fill me with self-control and help me tackle this problem. I trust in you and I am at your mercy. Amen.

I feel slightly better now after a pray and writing this, so now I will change nappies and tidy the kitchen before I collect JJ from sports club. Perhaps I ought to dump the to do list today and just spend time with my kids enjoying them. I am sure I have mentioned before that one of my problems is that I define who I am by what I do, when actually I should be defined by who I am - just being me! Perhaps my self-confidence in this area wil increase in time.

Thanks for reading if you are out there!

Poo, Poo everywhere!

OMG! I seem to be surrounded by poo at the moment - I can not get rid of the smell.

Last night E decided to poo in the bath with the other 2 kids in there too! yuck, luckily dh dealt with that but I could still smell it and could not understand why until I got up and found I has sat on a big pattie of it on the bed! double yuck. So the bed and me got stripped and washed.

Then today M decides she ought to keep taking off her nappy and poos on the floor (on the crapet!) - I meant to write carpet but typed too fast and got the letters wrong and then decided to leave it as it touched my humour!)

So hopefully poogate is now finished!

ED Thursday Meeting

Well, I went last night and I was quite nervous but I listened to worship songs on the way there and had a good pray before I went into the meeting. I need not of worried, everyone was fantastic, so welcoming and I was able to see from one meeting that many people have the same problems and hang ups as I do.

This week I have decided to focus on having 3 meals per day and no snacking. Those meals must be planned the day before so I can free my mind of constantly thinking about food. Then if I am struggling during the day I will pray for help and not try to beat my demons myself. God is there for me, I just have to ask for his help.

I think this must be the right thing I am doing as it has not been that hard this morning - I am feeling focused. I have enjoyed the food I have had and I am drinking alot of water, which can only be good!

At the end of my bible reading for today (yep I am about 10 days behind schedule but.............. I only have 10 days left and then I have read my bible in a year! well a year and 10 days anyway lmao) I was reading Luke 12:22-31 and this reinforced the important message that I must seek Gods kingdom first and my needs will be met. Worrying is fruitless and damaging. It was great to read that affirmation this morning that I am doing the right thing in turning this problem over to the Lord and with the help of my ED group I think I will be OK.

A blog I am loving....

http://stickyfingers1.blogspot.com/ Fab blog that I have found recently and I love it. A fellow mummy just writing about her life but she has been doing it alot longer and certainly more eloquently than me!

Enjoy!

Stewardship

Been thinking about this for a few days now. I suppose Spring Harvest has really pricked my conscience and made me start to question things that I took for granted. I am so aware that whilst I try to be a good disciple of Christ (bet I sound like a religious nut now to those of you who do not actually know me! lol) I just do not meet the measure really, but like anything that is Ok as long as I really am trying my best and praying for help. I think I can be honest here though and say that I have probably not tried my best on many issues in the past.

I find that my conscience is getting louder and louder and small things that I took for granted before are now no no's, as I just can't shake the guilt if I do them. It is hard work this being a Christian lark!

Anyway back to stewardship, if you are not sure what I mean the Cambridge dictionary says a steward is "a person whose job it is to organize a particular event, or to provide services to particular people, or to take care of a particular place". So my understadning of Christian stewardship is that it is each of our responsibility to look after the earth and its people, as well as the money, family and posessions that God has kindly provided for us.

This wittering came about as I have just watched Goks fashion fix on TV and his new slogan is "buy less, wear more" and boy would I like to meet him so he could chuck out my wardrobe and do me one of those lovely capsule wardrobes with just 24 pieces, how simple would life feel? I guesstimate that currently I probably have in excess fo 300 items of clothing - without counting underwear, nightwear etc. Isn't that shocking? Who needs that amount of clothes - absolutley no-one. Some of it is about stuff I have bought to feel better and never did and much of it felt like bargains at the time and so was not! How much money have I wasted?

It seems to me that the more we get, the more we want and the more complex things feel and the harder decisions are to make. None of this fits in with the Christian way of life, hence I must think about changing. Hopefully OA will be a start towards this and to be honest I feel as if I am on the way to making some mental changes anyway. I have been doing so much thinking just recently.

Dh has a study aid at the moment called Simplicity, love and justice and it looks great, I will have a look once I finish the 4 books I have on the go at the moment! It talks about when there is so much injustice and poverty in the world how can we in the western world be thinking about spending more and just collecting things for the sake of it - so true!

Right better leave on that note and have some lunch before my beautiful babes wake up. Planning to clean the garden toys with the kids after I collect JJ from school. It is such a lovely day it does not matter if they get a tad wet.

Getting a buzz!

Been thinking this morning about how much I look to stupid things to 'feel better'. Nothing too untoward you understand, basically at the core I am a good girl and of course nowadays a good Christian girl (we need to use the term girl quite loosely, as I am now 35, coming on 36! lol).

The buzz I am talking about tends to be sought from either food or shopping and the more I think about why I seek either it seems to be to try and make myself feel better about me. I am really not so sure what I have to feel glum about but somewhere along the line I am not as happy as I should be. I do find that quite hard to come to terms with as I know so many people have far harder lives than I do.

I am sure if there was a psych here they would say that we are all different and I must acknowledge my problems and deal with them, not compare them to other peopels as we all have different needs and tolerance levels. So in a hope of being a more rounded person and a better parent/ wife/ friend I will try and acknowledge my problems and I think attending my Thursday meetings is a big step towards that.

Might be back later to add to this......................... will think on it.

Todays grace in small things

Nice and early this morning -

1. Been for a swim and it was lovely, feel all happy and refreshed, hence such an early posting
2. Dh cut the back lawn yesterday and saved me a job! yay
3. Our new lady at work is lovely and so keen to do well
4. I am feeling psoitive about starting my journey on Thursday, I think this is where God is telling me to focus right now
5. M was sick at nursery yesterday and I had to collect her slightly early - she is absolutley fine. Unfortunately she is sick a fair amount when she has a blocked up nose, the grace is that I now can not go to work tomorrow and I get to spend an extra morning with my lovely girlies.

Grace in small things

5 things I can find grace in today -

1. The team leaders meeting at work went well
2. dh is cooking me a gorgeous chicken roast dinner for when I get home
3. My little man JJ will be having a great time with his Godmother this afternoon
4. I get to go to the church home group tonight
5. We had a wonderful day at Whipsnade on Saturday and the kids all behaved beautifully

I am on a roll now, so here is no 6..........

6. The girls are getting really good with their dummies only being available to them in their cots

Merry Monday

I am at work today and have been in meetings all morning, so feel as if nothing has been achieved really and now it is lunch time! My favourite time of the day, as we well know! There is lovely cakes in the department today and I am sad to say I have not resisted.

I called yesterday about attending an eating disorders (ED) meeting and I am going to go along Thursday night and try it out. I am a bit nervous but I think it might be what I need. I have started to read through the 12 steps to see what I am letting myself in for and basically I will need to do a very honest and it appears quite lengthy review of myself. I have to write down all my faults and all the bad things I have done in the past and take a long hard look at myself. I will need to be really careful to ensure that I also record some positives or this could end up being quite a depressing exercise.

I will write here about how I am affected by following the ED programme, but of course I will not mention names, places or give any details for anyone else. I will just focus on my own personal journey...

Twin love

It is the little things that often make me smile, especially when it comes to my kids.

This morning when I got up I gave the girls their drink of milk and left them to drink it and wake up in their cots. They have a book each and the music on, it just gives me enough time to shower etc.

I could hear M singing baa baa black sheep, well as good as a 21 month old can - it was cute! What was so much cuter was upon finishing E gave her a clap and shouted 'more, more'. If she can demand encores at that age, I think she could be a real star one day! lol

In general they are loving each other alot more nowadays. M especially loves E and will take any opportunity to give her a hug or kiss and very often knocks her to the floor and hurts her! Perhaps that is why E is not so fussed.

They have both developed a little habit of stroking the other one when they are crying. They also do it to JJ as well and it has a wonderful effect of knocking JJ out of a self-indulgent cry because he can not get his own way.

The weight issue

I weighed this morning and was pleased to see I have lost 5lb since being back from Spring Harvest, so that is 5lb in 4 days. It just shows what a difference it makes not having a cooked breakfast and a pudding after each dinner.

A and I have made a decision to stop all meals out and take aways in a bid to stop our fixation which food and where the next meal is coming from. I realise this is an emotional problem for me and I need to stop using food as my fix, in the same way an alcoholic does. I can take or leave alcohol but food is another matter. The problem is I can not go cold turkey and just give up the food as I always have to eat to survive. So I will try and change my mindset to allow for food to be a necessity rather than an obsession.

Easier said than done - the journey continues.........

Dummies to go............says the dentist.

We had our first visit to the dentist with the girls yesterday. They were both very good really. M laid back on Daddy and went for a ride on the chair but she was not overfussed to open her mouth and reveal all. From what the dentist saw she said that M's front teeth appear to be being pushed forward a bit and did she suck her thumb/ have a dummy? My heart dropped, as expected she told me we had to get rid of the dummy asap as it was affecting M's teeth development.

E was a good little girl and went for a ride on Mummy and with the promise of a Princess sticker she opened up for a full examinatin. Her teeth do not appear to have moved but of course if we take one dummy away, they will both have to go.

The girls are now 21 months and we planned to get rid of them at 2 years anyway, so you would think this should not be such a hassle but as parents we really have to steel ourselves sometimes to go through the nightmare of teaching discipline/ respect etc.

We faithfully came home with great intentions of the dummies being gone for good. I put the girls down for a nap, E, bless her got her Alfie teddy asked me for a dummy and I told her no, she rolled over and went to sleep. Beautiful - just how it should be! M on the other hand was inconsolable and screamed and cried for over an hour whilst calling for her best friend 'dum dum'. Unfortunately M has no special toy, the thing she loves is her parents and her dummy and none of those spend the night with her!

A and I have decided to wean the girls off, they can have them in their cots for a week or two and no where else (which means I have M screaming at me now as she is hungry and would normally have her dummy for 1/2 hr at this time of day). So step one has commenced and in a short while step two will and the dummies will be gone for good!

If I am honest I will miss having something that I know instantly soothes my babes and call me a bad parent but when there are two highly strung toddlers screaming at you it really helps sometimes.

Todays Grace in small things

Well, I was just about to go when I realised it would be nice to think of 5 things for today -

1. The new lady at work is doing well and seems lovely and even better I have found out she is a Christian
2. My babies missed me when I was at work today
3. JJ acting as Batman in his new outfit - I laughed my socks off
4. A gave me three kisses before he went out to Tescos a few minutes ago
5. I am watching the BBC1 programme, all the small things and it is great - a real feel good programme

Easy to do again. I do like this, it keeps you positive and helps you think about how blessed you are.

Tired girl

I am back! yay.....................as always it is good to be home but after 6 days away with my three looney childen at Spring Harvest (big Christian festival) I am sooo tired. We got back at about 11pm last night and after a brief bit of unpacking I went off to heavenly sleep in my big bed and then I was out to work at 7.45 this morning. So after coming back tonight and attacking the house which the kids had bombed all day I am now too tired to blog, which is a shame as there is lots I want to talk about. So I will be back tomorrow with some musings.

We had such an amazing time at Spring Harvest that I feel really reviatalised and have tons to chat about.....................................hold the front page!

Grace in small things

I have stumbled across this website http://graceinsmallthings.ning.com/profiles/blog/list (sorry I am not clever enough to know how to add that as a one word link!) and I think it is a lovely idea. It does not appear to be a Christian website but it certainly has the right ethos. So here is 5 things for today -

1. My porridge for brekkie was delicious
2. The sun is shining
3. I am off to church in a moment
4. My Mum is here to stay for a few days
5. Adam has said we can have an extension to the house! yippie!

That was easy - expect a few more of these and I challenge you, come on - find grace in 5 small things each day.

Ever watched the film/ read the book - Polyanna? Where she plays the glad game and even when things are bad, she can always find something positive that she should be glad of. Same kind of concept really.

I am all shiney today - the world is a great place! SMILE

Strange delivery

I meant to say, last week I reecived a set of digital scales by post. I have no idea why they have come to me or who sent them? I am trying to track it down with the courier company at the moment.

It seems a bit ironic that I really need to shift weight and am doing quite hopeflessly at the moment and I get sent some weighing scales through the post - must be a message!

Just thought I would post in case anyone can shed any light for me. I do hope it is not a scam and by signing for them I have agreed to a massive charge on my credit card or something. Isn't this day and age crazy when the first thing you think is that someone is trying to con you?

Luckiest lady alive

Last night A and I went to the cinema (to see 'Knowng' with Nicholas Cage - strange film! Not sure if I liked it at all; really not good with films nowadays that involved sadness and parents. Will have to read Ezekiel again as there was a couple of references to that book in the film and as A and I came out we were wondering if the film was based loosley on the bible and the end of time).

Sorry, got sidetracked there! As I was saying we went to the cinema and when we got home I went to check on the kids, as Mum was staying all three of my babies were sleeping in the same room. I just love that, when I can walk in one room and see them all happily sleeping together, my big tall handsome boy, my checcky blond minx and my beautiful poppet all in one room - my heart was bursting with pride and love and I was reminded yet again I am the luckiest lady alive.

More truth from JJ

Another little episode this morning of Jacob making me smile - maybe it is a Thursday thing!

We were walking to school this morning and I asked him if Daddy walked this way too (A has the kids on a Tuesday whilst I work), JJ 'Yes we do but we are always late mummy'. 'Oh why is that?' I ask and he responds 'because the girls will not get dressed in the morning for Daddy, they just run away when you are not there, so we alwasy have to run to school'.

I wonder if daddy realises that JJ is sharing his secrets with me! lmao

The Apprentice - I love it!

I love it! I actually was on count down ready for this new series to start. Then I get excited each week when it is Wednesday. I even have a few friends who are addicted as me and we text about what is happening!

Over the last few years I have received so many comments that I should apply to go on the show and if I am honest, if the Apprentice had been around when I was a childless confident sales manager aged 25, I probably would have! I watch it each week and know exactly what I would have done and how much better I would be! They all get so hung up with being on TV and showing themselves off to be the bigshot that they forget what Sir Alan likes and the things that piss him off. Come on, the series has been on enough years now that they should know better!

How about last night? fancy wearing togas to serve food for a top class canapes event - tacky. Then the girls team were no better - the size of those bagettes they were serving and trying to pass off as canapes. That Yasmina is supposed to be an award winning restauranteur, where does she work Poppins cafe?

So will I apply for a future series? sadly no. I fear I now have different responsibilities, just think how much I would miss those 3 little people if I disappeared for three months and then what about if I won (yep I am confident enough to think that could happen lol) would I ask Sir Alan for a job share role? I don't think he would like that one bit.

Therefore, I will be content to get angry with the contestants and tell the TV off each Wednesday night with a bemused A watching on.

Addicted to blogging...

Blogging is a funny old thing. I tried it last year and it did not work out - 4 miserable posts and that was it. Not sure what has happened since but I am LOVING it this time! I think about blogging all the time (how sad must my life be?) and I wonder what I will write about next and for the last couple of days the Robert Palmer song 'Addicted to love' keeps going through my head and I just keep singing 'you know you might as well face it, you are addicted to blogging!'. I have little pictures of all those tall women in black dresses laying instruments like in his video.

Sometimes I come on here and think - I wonder if there will be any comments and there has not been yet this year and in one way I am relieved as I can feel confident that my wittering is just read by me and then I feel a little dissapointed as I know a few people have the address and you do just sort of feel as if you are chatting to yourself. I read one blog earlier where she talked of chatting to herself in a empty room, I suppose that is a good description. So is anyone there and reading? let me know, leave me a comment and make my day!