Still 'in the zone!'

Yep, I am still doing well. Day 4 of abstinence and it definately gets easier thanks to the grace of God. I need to be very careful I do not get complacent and start to eat things I should not. There have been challenges over the last few days but I have resisted - poppadoms at the Indian last night, no after dinner chocolate (it sat there untouched) and I did not go near the buffet table at the party either. Then today I resisted all goodies at my Mother in laws and also stopped picking my dinner when I was full, walking away from a plate of yorkshire puddings.

Here is me last night, before I was going out. I am quite pleased with how my outfit came together - what do you think of the tights now Mum?

Calmer kids....

I have a twin mummy friend who has really chilled kids. They are happy to sit down and relax at times and I would love that. She tells me that they are chilled as she is chilled, which leads me to believe mine are hypo because I am! lol and I know really that is not far form the truth. So for the last week or so I have been trying to be more chilled and to be home more and just sit with the kids on the floor/ sofa and play, watch TV or chat and it is really worked, they seem to much more chilled out today.

The three of them are all sat on the sofa watching TV as I type, waiting in their PJ's to collect Daddy from the station in about 5 minutes (see the photo above). Yesterday me and the girls got in my bed together at 2pm and watched TV for an hour to relax, it seems a sensible solution to them having given up their daytime nap - they at least get to relax and be calm.

Food Plans

My food sponsor has gone away on holiday and I do not want to pester her, so I will write my food plan on here each day and then update it to see how I have done.

Today - 6th Nov
Plan is - porridge and 2 crumpets for brekkie, vege soup, 3 ryvita and cheese for lunch then an apple, tea is jacket potato with tuna mayo and sweetcorn and salad. Then plain yoghurt with some prunes in it.

Whoops, I have forgotten to report on my foods plans for the last couple of days but all has been going well. What I have actually eaten today (8th Nov) is -
Shreddies, 1 crumpet, banana, roast pork dinner with yorkshire puddings, scrambled eggs on 2 toast. So as you can see it is not that I am missing out on nice food, I am still eating well, just cutting out the crap.

9th Nov -
Yesterday I had - porridge, bagel, chicken salad, yoghurt, chicken and veg stir fry and a granola bar. I kept to plan! yay

10th Nov -
Plan today is - oat krunchies, bagel (whcih I have kept to so far) and planned is lunch chiken sub roll, crisps, grapes and then for tea ??? as Adam is cooking but I will stick to one moderate plate and then some tinned fruit and custard afterwards.

Keep it up Mich!

Felling good about food this morning, really going to try hard to hand it all over to God and to eat moderately and without compulsion.

I weighed this morning, I know I should not of. I will have to be very careful not to transfer my obsession from food to weight! I was 15st 7lb. This is very exciting for me, this is the least I have weighted since the 1990's. Got to keep going now - I really want to reduce the risk of all those awful diseases that I could suffer at the moment due to my excess blubber and of course I want to set a much better example to my kids.

Off out to twins club now, catch you all later.

Yay, celebrate!

I think the chair I listened to last night at my meeting has got through to me. She was saying that you get out of this program what you put in and that we should not over complicate things. Just abstain one day at a time and it will all fall into place by the grace of God.

Well, I am celebrating my first 24 hours of proper 301 abstinence.

Today I have had - porridge and banana for breakfast. Vege soup and 3 ryvita with cheese for lunch, tea was homemade potato and onion flan with salad and after some yoghurt with prunes. I have actually really enjoyed my food today and not felt hungry at all.

Of course I have thought about food many times, I am a food addict after all but I am pleased to say that with God by my side I have been able to not pick it up.

Now for the challenge I have a friend coming over to watch a girlie DVD now and I must keep away form the food whilst she is here! I will report tomorrow. I will now go and say a quick prayer.

Am I making any progress?

I have been asking myself this question the last couple of days and really I have no answer. I would like to think that I am making progress and taking steps in my recovery from the disease of compulsive overeating but then some of my behaviours around food are still so illogical that I wonder. I am definitely not putting my abstinence from poor eating behaviours first yet and this shows me there is still a very long way for me to go... it is a journey. I remember as a young child asking 'are we nearly there yet?' and my Mum would tell me 'every step is a step closer' and I think that really applies here. Every mistake I make and every tiny bit of progress I make will all make a difference in a big way one day. I just need to keep working my program, handing things over to God and believing that one day the miracle will happen to me too.

I went to my ED meeting tonight and it was a very good one, we had a chair (which is where someone shares their own story in the hope of helping others). The lady that shared tonight was fab and her story was so alike mine in many ways. It has made me start to think about a number of relevant things - first going on a diet as instructed by the doctor at age 11 - I was only a size 10, not that enormous! Bigger than my peers yes, but not crazy big!

I also remember being off school with my Mum and the main thing I remember is having fish finger sandwiches together. I have no idea what we did on those days off but I know what we ate - how telling is that?

The lady spoke about how much her sponsor had helped her and that at first she could not believe that someone really did not mind her calling and asking loads of crazy/ silly questions and this is where I am right now. I do not have a full sponsor and I wonder how anyone will want to listen to my self-absorbed witterings on a regular basis. I need to get out to other meetings and see is anyone is willing to sponsor me.

I shared at the meeting tonight that I went to aqua aerobics last night and afterwards rewarded myself with a chocolate chip shortbread. In fact if I am honest that was the only thing that got me out at 8.15pm on a dark and dreary night - the lure of yummy food! My food sponsor shared with me that if I can not trust myself not to indulge when I go to aqua that I actually need to miss it for a few weeks until I have given over my will enough to God that I can resist. This was a real revelation to me, I had no idea but it does make sense now I think about it.

She also said that anything I put on my food plan in the morning, I must make sure I eat and not try not to have it to avoid calories. Doing so is generally a false economy as I then feel hungry before my next meal and am tempted to pick.

So I know what I have to do - 3 meals in the day, keep the food within the meal time and not try to hang out the pudding so it becomes a snack rather than part of the meal and lastly I need to avoid situations where I think I will be tempted to eat. This may mean to exercise or cinema or going out but we are only talking a month or so, so not the rest of my life! I do need to get a handle on this eating and after 6 months of being in the program I ought to start making a bit more progress really.

So please Lord help me to be willing to do the above. teach me to be kind to myself and help those around me to be understanding of my needs around food. Amen

Grace in small things

1. I got so much stuff done round the house today, I feel all up to date!
2. Miss M has been so much more manageable today, I think the consistency with the naughty step is working.
3. I had a lovely hour alone with Miss E yesterday. We went to the library and John Lewis and she was such a poppet, real easy going.
4. I enjoyed my day with JJ today and he behaved superbly.
5. I have caught up with lots of good TV tonight and there is still Ugly Betty to go.
6. It was great to see my family over the weekend.
7. JJ sung his heart out at church parade on Sunday and we were very proud of him.
8. I have made some wise choices around food today.

How about you? Take 5 minutes to think about all the small things you have to be grateful for.

How great is my hubbie!

I have just downloaded some photos off the camera onto the PC and came across lots of lovely photos that I had no idea where there. Some from a day dh had out with the girls when I was at work a couple of weeks ago and some from his day to London with JJ last week. Thought I would upload some photos and show you that my kids have a fab Daddy and it is so lovely to know that I can leave all the kids with him and he and they are happy and content.

Thanks Ads. Love you. xx

She is soooo challenging!

For those of you who know my kids well, that title will be easy to decipher! Yes I am talking about Miss M.

Boy, is she challenging! So many times today she has been on the naughty step, we used to count to five for her to remove herself from her naughty activity and if she did not she went on the step, we have had to take it down to 3 as she is so clever and defiant that she is always leaving it until the very last moment.

Some of the naughtiness we have had today - dragging a pencil as hard as she could across one of my leather sofas, knocking a chair over onto Miss E's head, 'cleaning' my dining room chairs with orange squash and wipes, cleaning my loo seat with the bath sponge, cleaning her toy cooker with yet more orange, stealing toys from E, not listening to dh and I about various things, drawing over my dining room cabinet with felt pens, chucking bits of dinner on the floor............... need I go on! She really tires me out. Thank Goodness dh and I were both about today.

She is definitely the most defiant of all our 3 kids. Hopefully this is just the testing terrible twos and as she learns boundaries and the fact that dh and I are constant with her consequences means that she will start to tow the line a little. Am I hoping too much?

Good Morning

Morning. Here I am blogging very early in the morning, which is unusual but quite nice. We are down at my Mum and Dad's at the moment and all the kids have decided to wake pretty early, but after a good nights sleep I can not really complain. The girls have decided that in the main afternoon naps are not for them anymore and thus have been going to bed earlier the last few nights - in fact asleep by 7pm, rather than the 8pm it had seemed to have stretched too without any effort from A or I. Of course the consequences of them being asleep by 7pm if that they are then pretty much awake by 6am.

Last night me and the girls slept in a double bed all together and it worked OK. I would of slept on the floor if I needed to but luckily I am good at sleeping on my side on the edge of the bed. As I said they slept right through and seemed happy to be close to their mummy. My original plan had been to have the girls top and tail in a single bed but that was definitely too much to expect of just 2 year olds.

The night before Miss E fell asleep in the single bed and Miss M fell asleep in the double bed, so I slept with M and she woke me numerous times! and poor little E also woke numerous times and cried out, this is really unlike her and it was only much later yesterday that I realised this is the first time E has ever slept on her own. I expect she awoke and did not hear any breathing from anyone else and wondered what was going on. I suppose it must be daunting to sleep in a room on your own if you have never done it. Having JJ I am used to one of my kids sleeping on their own and did not have second thought about it but for the girls it must be a big deal.

So now my brother is back living at home with my parents for a while, this is the future of our sleeping arrangements, me feeling bad as Mum and Dad have been kicked downstairs onto a blow up bed (although it does look very comfy). The girls and I all snuggled up together and JJ in his normal bed. It has worked far better than I thought it would. I was really looking forward to coming to see my parents but there was some anxiety about how the sleeping arrangements would work out and like everything I should of known just to trust the Lord and that it will all come good.

So no idea what the day has in store for us. May try and find a soft play somewhere so the kids can run some energy off as the weather looks pretty drab. Back to see dh tonight and JJ has his first Brigade parade tomorrow at our local church. Lets hope that is good.

Grace in small things

1. I have been to the gym this morning and burned off a ton of calories
2. I forgot my shoes and I am sitting here wearing sparkly white trainers with my black suit! lol No I am not particularly grateful for that but I am so grateful at God's work to change my attitude. A few years back if this had happened to me it would have been a big deal and I would of stomped around and been agro about it but today I am serene and smiling!
3. My kids are at home enjoying time with Daddy today.
4. I had a great house group session last night. What a wonderful bunch of ladies. Thank you Lord.
5. I am going to see my Mummy and Daddy on Thursday - yay I can not wait. It must be about a month since I last saw them.
6. Today I am abstinent and my attitude around food has been so much better for the last few days.

Right to do some work now and then off out at lunch time to treat myself to a nice new pair of black shoes...

A few good days

I am feeling pretty happy right now. I have had a couple of really good days. I met a friend in recovery on Thursday and that has been such a great help to me. Thursday and Friday I did what my meetings term as 301 - 3 meals a day, nothing in between and taking 1 day at a time. My food sponsor is also such an inspiration to me, giving me such invaluable advice and coaching each day. I think that is wonderful that someone is willing to give me 10 minutes every day to help me along the road to recovery. One day I will be able to offer that help to someone else and that is why this program of fellowship works. Have you seen the film 'pay it forward'? No, you should it is such a feel good film and if everyone worked that system in real life we would have no problems. Such an idealist! lol

The new meeting I have been going to the last few weeks also has lady there who could be a potential sponsor. I need to have a chat with her and take things as they come. I have accepted that God was obviously shutting the door to the treatment centre that I called. There must be other people who need it more........ but that is OK as I am doing fine right now and all I have to focus on is today. It is when I start to project and worry ahead that things go tits up!

Grace in small things

It is that time again! Always good to be positive...

1. I have a wonderful food sponsor, who is offering me invaluable help with the eating problem/ obsession
2. I really enjoyed my aqua session today and worked like a trojan
3. I had a great time at the park yesterday with dh and the kids - loads of fun!
4. I have got a few bits of stuff done tonight and ticked off the to do list
5. I am looking forward to running the recruitment and selection training course for the next couple of days
6. I looked at a photo last night from April 2006 and wow I am so grateful to be 2 stone lighter now than I was then. That was a big double chin!

Operation Goodbye Dummies

So having failed the first attempt at the goodbye nappy operation we have moved on to goodbye dummy.

Saturday tea I instigated the conversation with dh of when we were going to get rid of the dummies. Next thing I know he is telling the girls their dummies have gone to nannies for new babies and they are big girls now. Wow, that was quick!

They were only having their dummies at nap and night times for the last 6 months or so, so they have got used to that but I have noticed that they have reappeared a bit more at the 5/6pm witching hour just recently.

So we have had 3 nights now without dummies and they have missed them and getting them to sleep has been difficult as they keep asking for their beloved friends but we will get there and dh and I are quite adamant that this is the end and there will be no more 'dum dums' in this house. You have to stop at some point - right!

So tonight I pray that Miss M sleeps through the night and does not wake every 30-45 minutes like she did last night. At 2.30am ending up with her head on my pillow (shhh I enjoyed the snuggle with her!).

Yesterday they raided their change bag at Nannies house and found 2 dummies we had not removed (whoops) and both popped them in their mouse, like a smoker who could not wait for their next fix, until mean mummy told them they were yuck and broken, both girls pulled them out of their mouths like I had said they had a snake in their and we ran to the bin and chucked them in there with big shouts of yuck! Very symbolic and I suppose at least they know they are not accessible now. They keep telling me that 'dum dums in the dustbin, dirty!'

Enjoy the piccies of my beautiful girls snuggling up for the night without their dummies! Miss E at the top and Miss M below her.

Operation Goodbye nappy - attempt 1 - failed!

That is it - we have given up on Miss M's potty training for now. There is only so many changes of clothes that we can do in one day. She went to nursery today for the full day and they changed her 6 times! She ran them out of spare clothes!

So we will give it a month or so and try again. I am secretly really quite happy with that. All that extra washing and worrying and having to go to the loo every 15 minutes as she constantly does the worlds tinniest wees! Over for a bit.

To be continued.....

That Friday Feeling

Yep today I am feeling good and if it wasn't for the fact that I have a food obsession I would be saying 'thank crunchie it is Friday'!

Yesterday my food was good, today so far it has been even better and I pray to continue with this good behaviour. Eating what is on my plan, reaching out when I am down, attending meetings, writing about my feelings and generally being upbeat.

My weight this morning was 15st 10lb and for someone who has had many out of control days in the last week or so I was extremely thankful to God for that.

Potty Training

errrrr not my most favourite of subjects. Miss M thinks she is already and nursery said the same for her. So Wednesday I decided we really ought to give it a good go and see how it works. I decided a week would be a fair trial.

Weds - day 1 - she was at nursery all morning, there was 4 accidents in the day
Thurs - day 2 - with me but we went to toddler, school run, a friends, so a busy little girl. 4 accidents, one of which was a sloppy poo! (yep tmi, sorry)
Fri - day 3 - 4 accidents, 2 poo ones today!

So all we have achieved so far is her being completely pleased that she is getting to drag me to the toilet every 10 mins and she loves her big girl pants but really she is recognising the need to go less than she was a couple of months back. Also this pooing in her pants lark -what is that about?

I really can't believe she can manage to pee every 10 - 30 minutes, every time I put her on a toilet or potty she can produce! yet about 3 weeks back we had a nappy free afternoon, where in 4 hours she went just 3 times and asked me each time to go - no accidents!

I know that we really need a week or so to just stay home and leave her without pants and let her go without distractions but that is not easy when I work and we always have the school runs to do as a minimum.

So I will keep persevering for the next few days and see how things go. I want to just say she is not ready and give up but I suppose I should give her a fair shot and at least keep to my week commitment.

So, this saga is to be continued.........

Taking time to be thankful

(Above the kids having fun at the park and left my crafty collage from the weekend away).

I am in a completely different place today to what I was last Thursday, thank God (literally!).

I am extremely blessed and for today I can see that and I am enjoying all the wonderful things around me. I am remaining calm and unstressed and just enjoying having some time to myself to catch up on jobs that need doing and are so hard to complete with 3 small people in tow! The girls are at nursery, JJ is at school and I have another 1.5 hours before I collect him but instead of feeling that is not enough and worrying about that (that I normally would) today I am looking forward to seeing my boy and taking him for a hair cut and then having a play for a while before we collect the girls. Once the girls are collected we are all having a KFC treat on the way home and that means no cooking or clearing for me! yay A is at work and won't be home until about 11pm so tonight I will take the opportunity to catch up on some TV while doing the ironing and getting some ebay bits sorted and photographed.

So how have I changed so much in a few days? well as always it is by the grace of God. I went to ED last Thursday night and was able to rant and uncoil and then a good sleep does me the world of good so by the time I woke Friday I was ready to tackle the world. The girls and I met some good friends at soft play and I enjoyed sliding and crawling around with them, actually taking the time to enjoy them rather than being self-centered and just chatting with the other mummy. Then at 2pm off I went with a friend to Ely, leaving dh with the kids for the weekend. Yep completely selfish but so necessary and I have changed over the weekend. Prayer, reflection, time alone, meditation, sharing and some crafty therapy have grounded and calmed me and I have taken perspective and know my babes and A are the most important things.

I returned at 2pm on Sunday to a fab chorus of 'Mummy', then all the family went out shopping (the kids behaved just lovely) and we went to the park for the kids to run off some energy. What a fun couple of hours dh and I had, we played tag, had a walk through the woods, did piggy backs (with the kids - not each other!!! lmao), Miss M and I laid on the grass and watch ed the clouds and then JJ joined us to watch the planes. We met and petted loads of dogs and basically had a fun time laughing our socks off. errr why do we not do this more often? It cost nothing and everyone had a great time. Must make a mental note.

A quick update

Hey all, I will blog properly tomorrow but just a quick word, as I know some of you read this and worry about me. I am fine and dandy! I have just been away for the weekend since 2pm Friday, only returning today at 2pm, so 48 hours of child free time and yes for once I did miss the kids and dh too and I was pleased to come home. I had the most amazing of weekends and I will tell you all about it tomorrow for now I am off to finish my Indian and chat to my lovely hubby, who was again left holding the babies this weekend! lol

What I have learnt in the last couple of days...

1. That I am completely self-absorbed, selfish and self centered! This came as a complete revelation to me yesterday. I was reading a sheet about step 1, it was called the unmanagability test (and yes my life is very unmanagable right now, especially yesterday - boy was I out of control!) and it really tested my thinking. I realised that all my controlling behaviour and my bad behaviour towards my kids when I get cross because they are not conforming to what I want are due to me being self-centered. As a Christian, or even just as a good human-being I should be striving to help others and to offer myself in that way instead of trying to ensure the world revolves around Michelle. Big learning and not one I am proud of, but it is a step forward...

2. That I hit my kids too much. Doesn't that sound awful? I am ashamed to put that. I must make a note here that when I say hit I do not mean punch or really hurt or anything. I mean tap/slap on the hand, bum or leg. The logic being a short sharp shock to encourage them not to do the bad behaviour again. What am I really teaching them? that it is OK to hit each other and that Mummy is modelling that rubbish behaviour. I know that I hit out when I feel out of control and do not know how to deal with the situation or my head of elsewhere and we are short of time. I have to STOP it, it is crazy and disgusting behaviour and it does not even work. I need to show more love and to do tat by giving the kids more time and forgetting some other not so important stuff. So yes you may find I post on here even less.

3. That I forget so much I have already learned. I went through loads of church stuff last night - sermons I have written, service plans I have performed and kids church stuff I had put together and I realised I had forgotten loads of the key teachings of just 3 or 4 years ago. I really do feel I am on an exploratory journey at the moment to find out who I am and that I am learning some good and bad stuff and that at the end I will be confident enough to have my own set of rules to live to and because I will be out of the food I will act sanely and lovingly towards others.

4. That saying in bed for an extra bit is not really of any help at all in the scheme of things! Yesterday I did not bother to set my alarm, now I do not know if this is because I am feeling a bit down, lethargic and have lost my enthusiasm for life right now or if I just thought a lie-in would be helpful. Whatever, it did not work. I got up after 7.30am and by the time I had showered and dressed etc it was gone 8am with me taking all the kids downstairs. That is just too late for a school day. We ended up having to run to school (something we did loads last academic year and have not done yet this year, until yesterday!) Then the day went from bad to worse as I ran about everywhere I needed to. My pushchair snapped in half (yep you read that right!) whilst pushed the girls around and generally it was a shit day. It was only going to ED last night that I got some perspective and was sane enough to be able to set my alarm for 6.20am this morning and get up after just 6.5 hours sleep. I am sitting here at the PC, already having prayed, planned my food for the day, enjoyed a cup of tea and sorted some stuff in the garage. The kids have just woken and I feel ready for the day. A day when I commit to never lash out at my kids again. That behaviour is unacceptable and gone forever. (Please Lord).

I would love to wrote more, but the kids are awake and seeing as I said I wanted to be less selfish I should go and have a cuddle. xx

This parenting lark isn't too easy!

I have been wanting to write this entry for ages. I have had the title in my head and even about 2 weeks ago I had some things I wanted to say! lol Today I feel a bit of a brain block but I am hoping that if I start typing, it will all come flowing out....

Being a parent is really tough, or should I say striving to be a semi-decent parent is really tough. The actual having sex, making a baby and even having that said baby was easy by comparison.

How do you influence these little people in a good way? Well the best thing would be to live a saintly life and never to show the many character defects that I have and to show them by example how to be a well-rounded adult with a good sense of fun and responsibility. One problem - I would have to be living that myself to be able to show them and I am very much an imperfect being. I get stressed, anxious, cross, irrational - I shout and sometimes I even lash out in anger. I am not at all proud of some of the ways I behave but I am sane enough to know that I am not the worst parent out there and nor am I the best. So I think the facts that I am very aware of the need to grow emotionally and spiritually to enhance my character, and also that I am working the 12 steps to try and be a better person will mean that I am doing the best I can for my small people. At the end of the day, the best I can do is all I can offer!

Well that is not the route I intended this post to take! lol My original plan for this blog entry was to talk about some of the things that are really testing me at the moment - like Miss M's defiance or Miss E's whinging or even JJ's lack of listening and learning skills. How many times can you take something away from a child or show them their actions have consequences without them learning at all! absolutely loads is the answer in our house. What I have remembered from this exercise is that we are supposed to praise the good and ignore the bad. So whilst I had been acting on the naughty stuff he had been getting attention that way, rather than praising him for the good stuff. So Thursday we started a reward chart again and yes his behaviour has been much better - bingo! Sometimes us parents just have to stop and pause or pray so that we have time to think and clear our heads to see what a good solution to the problem may be.

Also today, I had the stair gate open to the kitchen and Miss E was able to come in and help me unload the dishwasher = no whinging! I forget how much they love me, I am the center of their world and they just want to be with me all the time and to help me. I should be flattered and yet sometimes I am just short-tempered and trying to get on with chores whilst shouting shhhh!

I need to remember that my babes are the most important things in my life (along with dh) and that I should show them that. xxx

ahhhhhhh...

...that is me sighing a big breath of relief that I am home.

We went to Church this morning as the pastor and his wife are moving onto another church. We will be so sorry to see them go as they are very welcoming and inspirational. The Pastor's teaching will be very missed. In fact he was one of the main reasons we kept coming back to the Church when we first visited in June last year.

Anyway we had the service, we prayed over the pastor and his wife, I shed a tear, the kids had a good play in creche and children's church and Jacob got sung Happy Birthday to and received a nice new kiddies bible. Then it was time for the bring and share lunch - which looked fabulous. They decided to do the service table by table, which is a sensible idea but three small kids and an hour later it did not seem to sensible to us. Boy were the girls tired, bored and restless - running about everywhere and driving dh and I mad. By the time we needed to go up and get food there was not so much left, the kids were starving and dh did not want to eat - he is veggie and I think it just felt too much hassle. As we ate the kids were naughty and generally overtired. I got to breaking point and announced we were leaving. Packed all the kids up, cleared the table, grabbed JJ's birthday cake from the kitchen (yes it is his birthday and of course he could not understand why he was not first up there getting his food as he was the special 6 year old boy!) and left. I did not make a big scene before you worry. I quietly let the organiser know the girls were tired and no need to do JJ's cake. It is a real shame I did not get to give Phil and Elaine a cuddle but I have emailed and given them a card so I trust they know how much we will miss them and of course they have hundred's of people to hug today.

I dropped JJ and dh at the Galleria and they have gone to see Toy Story 3D, he will enjoy this much more than Church. He is then having a McDonalds after and we are going to pop into nanny and Grandad's to do his cake. Then home for some lego making as he got the toy of his dreams - the lego fire station. It was all he wanted and he was so overjoyed to receive it this morning.

Dh and I are going to enjoy a take away tonight and chill out together.

Acting 'as if'

One of the things the program teaches us is to act 'as if'. This basically means that if I do not buy into something/ believe it I can act as if I do and eventually it will sit right with me and I will subscribe.

I keep reading and being told that I have to go 301 in regards to my eating. This basically stands for - 3 meals per day, nothing in between and living one day at a time.

At first I wondered how I would ever do this, as snacks are so important to me. Trying to get through 4 or 5 hours to get to the next proper meal is a form of torture I believe! and I just could not see the logic of why this would help me.

Today I am willing to say 'hands up, I have no belief this will work but it does for loads of people with ED's and thus I am going to give up my will and try it'. Yippie - I have got through from breakfast to lunch and just had my lunch. So now I have to get through until about 5.30pm when I can eat my tea. My breakfast and lunch have been much bigger than normal - they have to be to get me through and whilst they have not been wild food choices, like chocolate or anything they have not been sensible low calorie/ low fat choices either. My food sponsor tells me that if I can get 301 established and get my body used to it, I can then start to look at the portion sizes and the food choices I am making. You never know maybe this is a far better way to slimming and certainly it will remove my constant obsession with where my next meal is coming from.

Feeling stressed...

It was one of those days today. I got to work after shitty traffic, remembered I had a meeting I did not want to attend at work, got handed over a load of work as my colleague had to be out all week and then just felt truly stressed. No good reason for it - but it happens sometimes - doesn't it?

I did pretty well all morning, got through the meeting, did some menial work and then went off at 12 noon to do my aqua. I enjoyed aqua and worked really hard. I resisted the call of the chocolate chip shortbread on the way back to work and had an apple instead. Then again back at work I felt stressed and this time gave in to the food. It has got worse and worse all day. I do not even want to type here what I have eaten - it was sooo much. I would love to just be hiding right now, but I know that is a downward spiral, so I am typing this and I will text my food sponsor and then I will start working through the massive pile of ironing that needs doing.

Also stressing me is the fact that I have not got to clean the bathroom today, which is something I always do when I get home from work on a Monday, but tonight A was not home and by the time the kids were bathed and read to, it was practically 8pm and I wanted my tea. I know these things are not important but I do struggle with not hitting targets.

I am already thinking about tomorrow and normally I do something before work - gym or swim and already I thinking I can not be bothered. I pray I wake in a better and more positive mood tomorrow so I can find the energy and enthusiasm to do some exercise. Maybe I will go to aqua in the evening instead, but then I worry that I will not get to clean the bathroom. How sad is that - to worry about cleaning. Surely living is more important!

Grace in small things...

A quick dose of happy thoughts!

1. I enjoyed myself at the boot sale with JJ today and he was made up with his booty from selling some of his toys (lego, meccano, books and the game of mousetrap have entered our house!)
2. The kids are all in bed and I am able to relax with A and just be......
3. The PTA has a new bigger committee which should make all our lives easier.
4. JJ's new teacher at school seems ace
5. I bought some gorgeous purple patent shoes and a purple satin top ready for my Xmas nights out in December - just gorgeous!
6. It was super having Mum to stay and lovely to see Rich when he came to collect her. Roll on 29th Oct when we go to stay with them.
7. I am looking forward to work and my aqua class tomorrow

Ok, all loved up now, catch you soon. xx

I'm here, I'm OK!

Hey all, Sorry not to be blogging much. I am totally busy at the moment. I am enjoying it though, it is nice things - like my Mum being here to visit for 5 days, doing stuff for the PTA, playing with the kids, doing a boot sale, washing the car - Ok maybe not all enjoyable! lol but real life!

I weighed on Thursday and I was 15st 10lb or was it 9lb - I can not even remember now, but I know it was a loss and I was very chuffed. My having a food sponsor is helping me alot, making me think things through and helping me to realise the importance of 3 meals a day and life in between. It is a complete retraining of the mind to move from small meals and healthy snacks as taught by diet clubs to 3 large meals per day and being free of food obsessing in between. I have not actually made a pure day with just 3 meals yet but very close, so I am confident it will come soon.

I am so open to handing over my problems, troubles and decisions to God that the miracle of abstinence must be close. I bet I sound like a religious nutter to anyone who reads this and does not know me very well and in fact I wonder what one of my best friends (on the other side of the world) thinks of my faith and how much I chat about it on here. As the last time we saw each other I had only been a Christian for a few months and it certainly did not guide my life and decisions in the way it does now. I think I am a far nicer person for being a Christian, less critical, less judgemental and more forgiving...... but there is a long way to go and soon I will have to do the step 4 inventory and write my life story, detailing all those people I have done wrong to. Very scary stuff!!! Even more scary I then have to actually tell someone else about it and hand it all over to God and then go and make physical amends to those people. Not ready to take that step yet but I am confident I will get there.

For today...

I have read 2 very good readings in the last few days. It is a if they are being written for me.

The first was about the program I am following not being an academic discipline and no amount of academic type reading/ studying will cure me of my compulsive overeating. It is in the room with all the other compulsive overeaters that I will find true understanding and start to be able to conquer this disease with God's help.

The second reading states 'There is no need to separate myself from the world to stay abstinent, nor must I submit to those influences that can destroy me. Neither I nor anyone I love needs junk food.' I seriously must remember that and stop giving it to my beloved babies.... need I say more?

Quick update

I really need to go to bed....it is late and there is football playing in the background! arrgghh how did that happen?

As the title says I wanted to do a quick update. At ED on Thursday I asked one of the ladies to be my food sponsor and I text her my food plan each day and have to tell her when I go off track. It is helping so far. I feel far less obsessed today and have not been picking. So many times today I have remembered not to eat just for the sake of it, or without thinking. Last night I went out to the pub and avoided wine and crisps all night - I was very encouraged by that too.

GLORY TO GOD! for it is him doing it, rather than I.

I pray this continues and I can start to be healed of this disease and start to loose some weight and become more healthy and less of an obese death trap.

Kiddie Update

My babies are no longer babies! boo hoo If I was to ask them, they would tell me 'my a big girl!'.

The girls are now practically 26 months -

E has turned into a Mummy's girl and constantly asks 'Mummy coming', this is a real turnaround. She is still very sweet natured and has the most gorgeous glossy strawberry blond hair, in a Purdy (think Avengers) style. She is petite and very dainty. Often found crying or whinging as JJ has been too rough or M has stolen a toy from her. Give her a box of make believe toys and she would sit there for ages and play without a care in the world, happy with her own company. E has taken to mothering M and when M is crying she will come over and stroke her.

M is quite different - loud and vivacious, she is a female JJ. The most stunning white blonde hair which is all flyaway and quite messy but cute. She loves constant attention and wants everything that everyone else has, especially her twin. Her doll is her favourite at the moment, feeding it, changing nappies, pushing in the buggy etc etc. She is also often found wearing my shoes, a definite shoe fetish in the making.

JJ seems so grown up now. Just a few weeks away from being 6, we see a bit of attitude at times but a gentle word reminds him he is a child and he apologises and steps back in line. Being too tired can send him over the top and a crying hissy fit can emerge but again within a short time he is back to his loving self. School always describe him as a gentle giant, clumsy but very caring. He has a fab imagination and loves to do crafts and cookery. I really enjoy spending time with him and Saturday nights with X factor and popcorn is a feature for our house, then at other times of the year it is hi and Dad watching Doctor Who or Robin Hood together in bed and having some time together. JJ has just started Beaver and dh is helping to lead it, they are both enjoying themselves together and long may it last. I love seeing my husband being such a fab Dad to our kids.

Have I been hiding?......

.....yes I think so!

I can't believe it is 10 days since I last blogged, I have thought of coming on here a number of times but then have just not made the time for it.

The winter is approaching and I often find I go into hibernation mode, I get home from work and just want to change into my jammys and eat! oh dear, there is a big problem! and actually probably the reason why I have not been blogging. I have been very into the food the last couple of weeks. I have not stuffed and put on loads of weight but I have been 24/7 thinking and living for food and my next fix! It is true, I really am an addict.

I went to a wonderful service at church on Sunday night, it was a healing service with a lady called Suzette Hattingh leading the session (http://voiceinthecity.org/content/view/29/47/lang,en/) . I found her to be a very inspiring, she had an amazing way with words and wonderful positive attitude.

I am not quite sure what but she has a problem with one of her legs and has had numerous operations and can not walk currently, however her healing has started and the bone in her leg has started to grow back and a graft to take. Her attitude is that her healing 'is a done deal with God'. She does not know when it will take place but she is fully confident that it will and instead of healing prayers she asks for people to pay to increase her love for the Holy Spirit and to give her fire in her belly. I thought this was just amazing. There is a lot I can learn from this. I am so hung up at the moment on my eating disorder that I pray for strength and knowledge of God's will and the willpower to resist the bad foods all the time. I do remember to pray for some other stuff too but it is as if they are an afterthought. I need to trust more that God wants the best for me and that he will heal me of this, but in his time. Patience is a virtue they say - so true, it is one I am yet to acquire.

I cried an awful lot at the service the other night and it was not that I was unhappy, it sort of felt like a release. I truly felt God was healing me, I had been praying for healing for my awful periods and monthly pain but also healing from my compulsive overeating. Again, I have to remind myself that it is in His time frame and not mine, He knows best and will do the best for me. All I have to do is believe and act as responsibility as I can, rather than saying F### it and just eating what I fancy.

I need to wait until next month to see how my period and pain is, it would be so amazing if I can say that I have been healed. What a great Evangelist I would be, shouting from the rooftops and telling everyone my testimony and giving the glory to God.

So far today I have blown my abstinence and in fact I have no idea when my last abstinent day was, it is not very often that I can truly say yes to that. I do believe though that one day I will be able to be abstinent and free from the obsession with food. Until then I will try my best, be kind to myself and work the steps.

I just realised....

.... that the bits you really love about your kids are the bits you like about yourself and the traits that really grate on your nerves are those which you need to do work on within yourself!

I am in a nice calm mood this morning and was asking the kids to get out of the kitchen in a very nice voice (generally this is my sanctuary, with a stair gate across it) and then M starts shouting 'Out Out!' really loud and aggressive and I saw myself on a worse day! whoops.

Being childlike....

JJ just reminded me today what fun it can be when we adults act like a kid! When away at Rivercamp last weekend we stumbled across a deserted park which was just lovely. What a strange mood I was in as I thoroughly enjoyed the swings, see saw, slide and climbing apparatus. JJ and I run and bounced around like kids (of course he actually is one!) and I laughed like I have not done for a very long time. It was excellent! That same day we had also been waltzing in a very crowded park whilst the brass band played - again I had not a care in the world and did not worry at all what people thought. Ohh to be like that all the time. For once I was just being and not doing - nothing was achieved except a sense of fun and a fab time! I think we even gave dh a laugh as he watched us chuckle away.

We went to the park today and JJ asked if we could go back without the girls and just play together again, 'as that was great fun wasn't it Mum?'. So next time dh is about we will get him to look after the girls and JJ and I can really let loose.

Jesus talks of the importance of us all being humble like children. Maybe this is a great step for me towards that.

You can't live your childs life for them...

I have been learning this slowly over the last couple of years since JJ has been at school. My beautiful JJ who is so vivacious and larger than life is now in year 1 (just started today) and I worry so much about whether he is liked by the class and if he will be OK. Luckily he is generally a confident boy but last night he cried as most of his mates have moved into the other class. I fully expect him to meet new friends and I want him to have a wide circle but secretly I would also like him to have a really good friend who he sees loads and they love each other and stick with each other. This has not happened yet and if I am truthful, it may not. I have to let go and let him run his life as he sees fit and allow him to make mistakes and just be there to cuddle him when he needs it.

I did not have the happiest time at primary school, I was lightly overweight (or enormous I thought) and I can remember being mildly bullied for it. I also, I am ashamed to say bullied someone else and thought it was OK as the rest of the year did as well - that poor kid. We have made our amends now thankfully, just a couple of years ago but I do so regret what happened to that lad. I would never want JJ to be so cruel and thus I am trying to ensure he has a good circle of friends and feels confident enough not to have to take his insecurities out on someone else.

Whenever I learn that some of his friends have met up and he was not there I am wounded for him. It does not seem to affect him at all, he is tough skinned and fairly deaf to what is happening around him, I wish I was like that too. I am so highly tuned to everything. We have kids for tea and then JJ does not get an invite back and I wonder if that is because they do not want him at their house as he is very loud and boisterous or because their kids are just not that fussed with him and thus want to invite someone else instead. I need to let this go and stop worrying about it.

Please Lord, I hand this issue over to you. Stop me worrying about playground politics. I do not want to be part of the silliness any more. If a kids does not invite JJ - so what, we can not live our lives pussyfooting around some in the hope that JJ will be played with and will have a good group of friends. He is generally a happy and content boy and that should be enough for me.

4 month update

Well here I am 4 months into the program and I could write a post and crucify myself as there is a very long way to go and I am not abstinent but what would be the point? one of the main aspects of this programme and coming into recovery from compulsive overeating is to be kind to yourself and to acknowledge your successes!

I know I have had such a major mindshift in the last few months, my self-awareness is so heightened and I am really learning about my food triggers and problems. Dh and I have been talking about big stuff and this is so unusual for us but we both face that we need to - progress has definitely been made.

My weight is 15st 11lb, so OK but obviously a long way to go. I am back planning my daily food again and I pray I keep that up as it helps so much.

I had an afternoon of being anxious and stressed today but I realise it is one small afternoon in the bigger picture of my life. So I had a shower, have done some self pampering and have refused to do any housework tonight - it feels good.

JJ is back at school tomorrow and the girls are back in their nursery routine on Monday so I am (sort of) looking forward to being back at work and having a good sense of normality. I can get my exercise back on track and hopefully lose some more weight and gain some more sanity!

Grace in small things

There has not been a grace on here for a while - it must be totally due!

1. I am feeling serene and happy at the moment
2. I got to enjoy 3 days with my hubbie and JJ at Rivercamp
3. My girlies are back home and fell asleep within 15 mins tonight! yay
4. JJ is back at school on Thursday - normality resumes...
5. I am being really controlled with my food for the last 2 days
6. I have also been really controlled with my spending (my other problem!)
7. You should have seen my girls this morning, in their shopping trolly - giving each other 'twinnie love' - kisses and cuddles. The whole aisle was ahhing!

8. The three kids having such a fab time at the park today - see above pic

The first why!

OK, the girls are only 2 and 1 month - surely that is too young to start asking the question that every parent fears?

'WHY?'

Yep, this morning M asked me her first why. 'Up Mummy' and I said no and got a 'Why?' in return.

Lol, it has started.......

Popotoms meet update

It was fab, I had a great time. It started a bit rocky with me knocking J's shoe under the train but it all ended well and I do feel I have made some good friends. I am definately looking forward to a meet again next year.

J and I were the dancing queens and stayed out til late shaking our booties at the aptly named 'Flares' a 70's club! Then it was lovely to relax in the morning with all the girls and have a leisurely breakfast before a spot of shopping and a super train journey home full of reading and catching some time alone - bliss.

Thanks to all the Popotoms. xx

A gracious God...

is all I can put my weight maintenance down to. I weighed this morning and was 15st 13lb, this is a loss from last week but I do not feel I have put in the work to deserve a loss. I am still eating stuff I should not and eating too much at times. I am being very conscious of what I eat and praying each day as well as reading my OA literature but I do sort of feel that I am paying lip service and not really trying my best at all. I read the other day about someone who just prayed for the willingness to be abstinent and this behaving 'as if' was enough to help them kick into the right mind frame and actually becoming willing.

Lord, I offer myself to you. Please be with me and stop me taking that first compulsive bite. Nothing will ever be as satisfying as when I am able to have 3 meals a day and no more and to stop thinking about food the whole time.

I also read the other day that in turning to food whenever I have an adverse emotion I am in effect turning away from God, as I am not trusting that he will get me through whatever is going on. This is sad, I had not thought of it like that before but I suppose it is true.

Take me..... into insanity!

That is what I will be singing tonight as I get ready to go out and have a fab time.

Well today is the day of the POPOTOMs meet (twin Mummy's to you uninitiated ones) in Birmingham. The excitement has been brewing for ages, we first talked about this at the beginning of the year and booked in March - thankfully we are all still friends!

This is so unlike me to travel 100 miles and meet people I have never met before, also in total this will cost a fair bit - hotel, travel, food, night out, clothes (of course!) and again nowadays it is not like me to be so extravagant. It must be testament to the relationship I have built with these lovely ladies over the last couple of years that I have not once thought about or tried to get out of tonight. That would be my style, announce a problem a couple of days before, keep protesting I would be there and then on the day let everyone down. It is a terrible way to be really but sometimes I just can not find the energy in me to do something which involves a lot of thought and effort. Do you know what? I know I do ti, as I have just written it here but this is probably the first time I have ever really thought about it. I suppose I need to examine why I do it. I hope it is due to my work on myself during my ED recovery that means that this time I am going and looking forward to it immensely.

So, I leave home in about 30 mins for the train to London, meeting J in London and travelling to B'ham together. We have never met before but I know we will get on, she is an armadillo like me (hard on the outside and very soft inside). I wonder if you agree J? Then meeting the other ladies this afternoon for coffee. I also might pop into the town and see if I can get a freebie department store makeover. I am wearing jade green tonight and it would be nice to see if green eyes would suit me too!

I am all ready, packed, iPod loaded up, ready stuff ready, breakfast finished, kids fed and dressed and now just killing some time.

Can't wait to see you later ladies and to all the missing twin mummies - Susie, Elaine, Kris, Ela so sorry you will not be there this year.

Me, me, me

I went to ED last night and it was a very good meeting. Someone sharing her story so far and I could relate to many aspects, especially around her guilt of passing her bad eating habits onto her small children. She also said she had no idea what 'normal' is and I so know what she means by that. It is hard to know if I am doing the best for my kids in relation to eating, so I just pray the Lord guides me and helps me to overcome this illness, so they can grow up around a sane mummy with good food behaviours.

Another lady talked about being out with some family members this week and them seeming subdued and she immediately thought what have I done, why are they being like this with me. She caught herself thinking this and said about this type of behaviour being classic of overeaters. I had no idea! I do this loads. I have never thought of it as a negative behaviour before but I now realise it is, someone else can have a bad day and it has nothing to do me with, logically I know this. I now just need to work on my emotions and tell them to stop being so sensitive.

I had a chat with dh earlier this week and I really enjoyed spending time with him, we said we must do it more often. One of the things I spoke to him about was how sometimes I perceive him to be angry or in bad mood and how I allow this to affect me. I did not accuse him or blame as I do realise it is about my perceptions and not about the truth or what is happening. Something I read in the shack made me realise this and be able to confront it, it has been helpful.

I have now finished the shack and I would definitely recommend it, it is a good read. Not as earth shattering as I imagined it might be given all the media hype but definitely thought provoking and I am sure I will read it again in the future.

Better sign off now and get those ladies up form their nap. I have just been thoroughly selfish and enjoyed an hour to myself while the girls napped and JJ played.

Stay well everyone. xx

Doing lots of thinking....

Sorry not to be around much, I have been doing lots of thinking. I just re-read my last post and saw I was supposed to chat to dh last night. I didn't. By the time the kids were asleep it was late and we watched a DVD instead but it was rubbish and I went to bed to be honest. Might try and chat to him tonight, it would be good for us to spend some time together chatting rather than just being in the same room and talking about surface things.

I am reading 'the shack' at the moment and it took me ages to get into it. Dh bought it for me at Easter and I read a little and was disappointed so it sat on the shelf. Then about a week ago I started reading some more and now it is really good. What an interesting book - it has got me thinking. Maybe not what I need, as I am so bogged with thoughts at the moment, trying to ensure that I sort out my eating, get a better marriage, be less angry, have a better relationship with God. I must be aware that sometimes when I think I am being helpful I am actually just bogging myself down more by reading and thinking too much.

So I am trying to work through things and feel I can not take on any more at the moment, time feels scarce and I feel a bit stressed really. Must work through that. So looking forward to this weekend and a night away with the girls - gonna behave like an 18 year old and really enjoy myself.

All loved up!

with my girls....

They are at such a wonderful age at the moment. It is hard to remember all the great things they do but I just find myself sitting and watching them sometimes. The interaction of twins is so special. They grabbed hands today and started doing ring a ring a roses together.

I find them mimicking the most strange of things, they are like little sponges, watching our every move, learning everything and then trying to copy.

I have been listening to some tapes this last week whilst decorating. I have really enjoyed them, they are called room for marriage and they are the first in a series of talks on marriage done by City Church Doncaster, a Christian friend of mine lent them to me about 6 months ago and because they are tapes rather than CD's this is the first time I have managed to get to listen to them. I wish I had listened sooner - they are fab. There is not necessarily anything on them that I do not already know but loads of reminders of how important my marriage is, and how I must cherish myself and dh and our time together.

So Sunday Night I intend to have a good chat with dh and remind him how much we need to make time for each other to ensure that our love stays strong.

The pink palace is taking shape....

Sorry to have been MIA but dh and I have been busy creating a pink palace for the girls. I had visions of getting their complete bedroom done in just a couple of days....... I now know different!

I am pleased to say that all that remains now is a new curtain rail to go up, a shelf to go up and dh and I need to construct one bed. I also might go out and buy a couple of bedside drawers for the girls. Once it is all done I will post pics.

They are going to go into big beds and be big girls! This will be hard week for the first transition week or two but needs to be done. Like everything else with kids it all comes together in time.

I am sat in waiting for John Lewis to deliver a mattress and then tonight I am off down to Mum and Dad's to stay for a couple of days and to bring my big boy home. I have really missed him this week whilst he has been at Nanny's. I know he has had a fab time and he tells me he has missed my Mummy cuddles, bless him.

It is my birthday on Saturday, a whole 36 years old - how time flies. So hopefully dh and I will spend a nice night together on Sunday night once we have got the girls room all finished.

Bluurrggghhh!

I feel yuck, have just done an hours ironing, my period has arrived today and boy am I in pain and I have eaten like a pig today. Not proud of myself at all but also wise enough to know that beating myself up will do no good.

Off to take some mefanamic acid to ease my periods, have a cuppa, put the ironing away and then maybe an hours TV to wind down, but really I suppose I know I should just go to bed. I am so tired. I have had 2 very busy days decorating the girls room and scrubbing carpets. By this time next week the girls should have a lovely new pink palace and be sleeping in big beds! ahhh, then the fun starts.

3 month update

It must be about 3 months since I started attending my ED meetings and made the decision to turn my problems over to God and allow him to make my life manageable. It has been an up and down time but I am pleased to report today that I feel good and positive.

I weighed this morning and I am 15st 11lb, so back at the lowest I have been since starting this. I have been doing my exercise most days. Mon - aqua aerobics, Tues - swim, Weds and Thurs - sit ups. At least that is something each day.

I have also this week been reading, praying, writing and taking time to think. All things that are important to my recovery.

The big news is that yesterday I was abstinent for a whole day - no chocolate, cream, crisps, biscuits, cakes, ice cream etc etc. I also pray I can do the same today, and then if I can start to add all the one days together I can build a future - yay!

Positive affirmations

A few weeks ago I was speaking to my neighbour and he said how patient dh and are with the kids and that we are a lovely family. He has no idea how we deal with 3 small kids and stay calm and they hear them in the garden enjoying themselves with us etc etc. It was lovely to hear but I assured him he obviously only heard the good bits. He talked about hearing me trying to bath them and being very calm but firm - I went a bit red!

Then 2 days ago I was speaking to his wife and she started to say the same thing, about what wonderful parents dh and I are and that her and her hubbie think we are a lovely little family and they are lucky to live next door to us. How fab is that?

I think I ought to listen to them and get a bit of perspective/ balance as I always assume I a miserable/ impatient and agro with the kids - maybe not!

Then yesterday out of the blue a lady came up to us in the John Lewis restaurant and said she had been watching the kids and that they were gorgeous well behaved kids and that was all down to me, 'great mummy, great kids' she said.

So for today, I am taking all this praise and not letting me head get too big but believing for once that I am an OK parent.

Whinge or fight back - which is better???

I can hardly even concentrate on this post so I have no idea why I am trying really!

E is the most whingy toddler alive! I have no idea what is wrong with her, teeth I assume. Boy is she a nightmare right now, driving me crazy. I suppose it could just be that she is not getting her own way and she wants my attention ALL the time!

I hate her whinging, I am really not good with the constant whine, cry sort of thing and the disturbed shouts of Mummy. I am expecting social services to arrive at any time to see if I am beating her, she is so noisy. Much of it is induced by her brother and sister teasing her, especially M nicking things from her. I keep wishing she would fight back and stand her ground and then I wonder if I really would like the fights that might break out from that.

So my dilemma, what to do with her????

Someone give me a good answer please!

PS: Just been made to smile, M appear by my side, said 'I'm back' looked at E whinging at my side and said 'ssssshhhh' and walked away! Good idea......

The best discipline is love

When reading my 'For today' book yesterday the following line really struck me 'the best discipline is love'. It talked about the mothers heart always knowing what is best for her child and trusting that instinct/ love. It encourages us to show love by being loving.

I hope I am doing that, I coincidentally asked JJ the other day about what he liked best and least about me and I expected that he would say I told him off too much, got too angry, shouted a lot etc etc but he really did not and I believe he was being genuine. He just told me he did not like it when I shouted at him and he hated it if I tapped him. I asked if I did it often and he said no and sometimes he said he was cheeky and probably ought to be told off! lol

A proud day!

I came home from work to be greeted by a tip of a house - the kids looked as if they had a great day, dh tells a different story! lol

So there I was tidying up before we bathed the kids as I did not know if I could face it later. Dh was in the garden amusing the kids when E comes in and tells me pot pot (potty to the uninitiated of you) and yes she had done her first wee on the potty. A proud Mummy was I, and just as I was telling her what a good girl she was and giving her a clap M decided she could not be outdone and she also did a wee on her potty and gave herself a clap.

So could this be the start of potty training? ..............................nah, I am not that brave yet. Nursery can do it when the girls move up to the next class in September. Why make life difficult if I do not have to? If the girls really show they want to be in pants and do not have many accidents then fine but I think the surprised look on E's face and the wee running down her leg about an hour after her triumph shows she is not fully there yet.

Grace in small things

Lets start the day as I mean to go on - in a happy and serene mood -

1. Dh has let me have the car so I am here (work) early and able to get an extra hour in
2. I am off to do my aqua class at lunchtime
3. Dh is cooking dinner tonight
4. I have nothing planned for this evening except painting my nails and watching a girlie DVD!
5. I can not wait for Rivercamp, it will be such fun, only 3 weeks to go.
6. I am meeting the twin mummies in just over 2 weeks - a weekend to B'ham with no kids - whoop!
7. I am hardly at work in August, I have so much holidays - yay to spending time with my lovely kiddies
8. Dh might let me have another weekend away on my own in October, a retreat - it will be bliss if we can work it out.
9. The sky is blue and the sun is shining, even though I am at work I hope my babes enjoy it in the paddling pool with Daddy.

Better go and do some work, cup of tea first me thinks.....