Tuesday, 15 September 2009

Have I been hiding?......

.....yes I think so!

I can't believe it is 10 days since I last blogged, I have thought of coming on here a number of times but then have just not made the time for it.

The winter is approaching and I often find I go into hibernation mode, I get home from work and just want to change into my jammys and eat! oh dear, there is a big problem! and actually probably the reason why I have not been blogging. I have been very into the food the last couple of weeks. I have not stuffed and put on loads of weight but I have been 24/7 thinking and living for food and my next fix! It is true, I really am an addict.

I went to a wonderful service at church on Sunday night, it was a healing service with a lady called Suzette Hattingh leading the session (http://voiceinthecity.org/content/view/29/47/lang,en/) . I found her to be a very inspiring, she had an amazing way with words and wonderful positive attitude.

I am not quite sure what but she has a problem with one of her legs and has had numerous operations and can not walk currently, however her healing has started and the bone in her leg has started to grow back and a graft to take. Her attitude is that her healing 'is a done deal with God'. She does not know when it will take place but she is fully confident that it will and instead of healing prayers she asks for people to pay to increase her love for the Holy Spirit and to give her fire in her belly. I thought this was just amazing. There is a lot I can learn from this. I am so hung up at the moment on my eating disorder that I pray for strength and knowledge of God's will and the willpower to resist the bad foods all the time. I do remember to pray for some other stuff too but it is as if they are an afterthought. I need to trust more that God wants the best for me and that he will heal me of this, but in his time. Patience is a virtue they say - so true, it is one I am yet to acquire.

I cried an awful lot at the service the other night and it was not that I was unhappy, it sort of felt like a release. I truly felt God was healing me, I had been praying for healing for my awful periods and monthly pain but also healing from my compulsive overeating. Again, I have to remind myself that it is in His time frame and not mine, He knows best and will do the best for me. All I have to do is believe and act as responsibility as I can, rather than saying F### it and just eating what I fancy.

I need to wait until next month to see how my period and pain is, it would be so amazing if I can say that I have been healed. What a great Evangelist I would be, shouting from the rooftops and telling everyone my testimony and giving the glory to God.

So far today I have blown my abstinence and in fact I have no idea when my last abstinent day was, it is not very often that I can truly say yes to that. I do believe though that one day I will be able to be abstinent and free from the obsession with food. Until then I will try my best, be kind to myself and work the steps.

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