Bad Medicine

I have been thinking a lot today about bad things that happen to us but turn out to have been for good. Not sure why this came to mind, perhaps because of my recent miscarriage. I am still waiting for the silver lining for that grey cloud.

I can think of a few incidents in my life where something has happened and I have been really unhappy and could not understand why it had to happened to me and then in time, perhaps days, weeks or even years I have become enlightened and understood that good had come out of the bad.

For instance when I was about 14 I was hanging about with a group of friends and having great fun but my behaviour, when I think back now was not the best and certainly was not honest and coherent with Christian values. Now do not get me wrong I was not doing anything illegal or anything too bad in the scheme of things but just silly kiddie stuff that does not make me proud nowadays. Someone that I had previously been hanging around with and still sat next to in class called my Mum and Dad and told them what I had been up to and said that I had a diary. My parents read my diary and boy did I get grounded for a long time. At the time I was so cross with that so called friend who dobbed me in (great expression hey?) I can remember being horrid to her after and probably gossiped about her at school but within a couple of years I knew that what she had done was probably the kindest and most selfless thing any real friend could do. She saved me from myself and the unhealthy path I was choosing to take. I have tried to track this friend down a couple of times in the last 10 years or so but with no luck. Shame, I would love to say thanks and sorry for any hurt I caused.

I can think of other similar instances in my life too and I am so pleased that I can recognise these bad times as a time of growth and change. Life is all about change and it is important that we embrace that change and go with it.

Some of the bad times that have led to good things are -
- being told by a primary school teacher that I would never make anything of my life as I had poor handwriting!
- a car crash
- calling off my wedding and planning to spilt with my finance (now dh)
- having bells palsy and half my face being paralysed for months
- not getting a job

...and I am sure there are loads more. Life is very much about ups and downs and it is often your attitude and approach to those changes that dictate your happiness. Many people would assume I have led a completely blessed life and that nothing bad has ever really happened but actually it might just be that I have taken after my Dad and learn to deal with things pretty well.

What about you? Have you ever thought about the down times as those where you have learnt, grown or changed direction? There is food for thought for you...

and now because I can not resist, I leave you with some Bon Jovi singing Bad Medicine.

Notes from the Heart...

To my Little Miss M,

Darling, I am not sure how many times I can tell you that you have a long wait until you can have boobies like Mummy! Boy, do you make me smile.

Love your Mummy xxxx
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To my poppet (also known as Miss E),

Yes baby when you pee on the potty and ask me 'are you happy with me?', I am very happy with you. The least amount of washing that you and your twinnie provide me with the more happy Mummy becomes.

Love your Mummy too xxxx
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To my little handsome fella,

You crack me up! You have a fab sense of humour and I love your funny quirky ways, you just need to learn to be a little more respectful at school. Have you learnt yet that teachers really hate it when you tell them their work is boring and too easy? It might be true babe, but sometimes we have to tow the line.

Love Mummy xxxx
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Dear new computer system at work,

You are really crap! I have given you good opportunity over the last 8 weeks or so to demonstrate to me that you have the capability to handle our 3000 employees and to make mine and my colleagues lives easier but it now seems clear the £1 million spent on you was a complete waste of money!!!

Doh, Unhappy in Herts
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Dear lovely regular visitors to my blog,

I want to shamelessly ask you to become a follower of my blog please. I currently have 36 followers and I have a little bet with myself that I can get it up to 50 by the end of June. So if you like what you read become a follower or add me to your reader.

Much appreciated, Mich x
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Dear Builders,

Thanks for doing our back gate, wall and shed base. I now just can not wait for the shed to be built and then the garage to be converted into the playroom. It is going to be amazing to decide that I do not have the energy to sort all the toys on an evening and just to shut the doors and to sit and relax in my nice tidy adult lounge!

Thanks again, One happy lady!
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Dear dh,

I am really sorry you are not feeling well and have been signed off work. I pray this week will be a relaxing one for you and that you are able to forget work and let them get on with it whilst you are not there. It will be so nice to have you around this weekend.

Take care of yourself.

Love you, Mich x

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Dear God,

Please help me to eat better and to stop reaching for crap food every time I am bored, tired, hurt, angry or anything else. Also, could you soften my heart please and stop me feeling so resentful when I feel like I am doing more than my fair share. Lets be honest if I do not want to do something and can not do it with a glad servants heart then I probably should not be doing it at all.

Thanks for all you do for me.

Michelle

Beauties in the Blossom

There is no point to this post, it is just a gratuitous show off of how completely gorgeous my twinnies are.... lol

For today, I will love myself and forgive myself

I feel tired right now, pooped in fact. I could just head upstairs and crawl into bed. Dh has just returned from 48 hours at cub camp and I think I must be coming out in sympathy for him, he is the one who has minimal sleep. I have had my Mum here for the weekend and two relatively good nights sleep but boy am I tired.

When I am tired I find it so hard to fight my food urges and I always seem to think that food will help with the tiredness. Of course it does not as the types of food I go for make me even more sluggish (chocolate, cakes, biscuits, ice cream etc etc - you know where I am coming from!).

I have been reading some of my ED literature today (as I do every day) and today's 'For Today' reading is all about beginning to abstain from the craziness of compulsive overeating at any time of day being better than not at all. This really strikes a cord with me as when I am in diet head mode I just think to myself 'oh well, tomorrow is another day' and keep on binging. Whereas when I am connected to God, feeling sane and trying to be abstinent I remember that half a day of being good is better than nothing.

So it has been a strange week, it has had its ups and downs, some days I have been completely abstinent and others I have had mini-binges and eaten what I fancied and not even tired to fight. Then other days again have been a real battle to stay away from poor food choices but for today I have decided to forgive myself for this stupidity and to accept that I am trying to work this program one day at a time and that at the moment some days are not clicking.

I truly believe that in God's time this will all come right. However I am very aware of yesterday's reading which basically said 'Pray to God, but continue to row to shore'. I find that such a powerful reminder that God will help and grant me all the great things in life but I must do my bit and try very hard. At the moment I think I am at the point where I want to eat what I like and lose some weight and feel sane. Do I think this will happen - not likely!

If I beat myself up for my crazy behaviour the that does not help me at all, so Mich you are forgiven - you are a crap eater but there are many worse things you could be.

Image Credit: et-si.mabulle.com

Bloggers with no make up!

2007 after the girls (above)

2003, after having JJ

So here I am taking up the challenge set by Jodie at Mummy Mayhem to bear my face and be seen without any make up. It was Brenda at MummyTime that alerted me to this great idea and I see that Claire at The 20 Something Mum has also risen to the challenge, I wonder who else has to!

Is it cheating that I choose baby pics so you can be distracted by my gorgeous babes rather than looking at my dodgy face!

'Cheat', can I hear someone shouting?

Oh go on then. This is me today!

Potty Mouth Mich

Yep, sad but true. That is me! What comes out of my mouth sometimes is just awful, I logically know that swearing does not sound nice and is totally unnecessary but at the moment it is just part of my make up.

Anyone else with the same problem?

I was at Church Sunday night and a friend did a really good talk on making Godly choices and once of the areas she spoke about was swearing and basically she asked why it was necessary! I can not come up with one good answer as to why I should do it, that says something!

She gave the example that she would not take her dog out for a walk and then clear up his poo and with the same hand put her fingers in her mouth, therefore why do we allow such foul things to come out of our mouths and then try to glorify God. The two things just do not go together. This rang a cord with me, so from now on I will be trying to be more conscious of my swearing and to cut it down considerably.

At work on Tuesday I caught myself three times swearing, whereas yesterday and today there has not been once. Maybe some of it is about the company I am in, I do find that I mirror people and the way they relate. That does not say a lot for my work environment does it?

So I am blogging about this to make a commitment to seriously cut down, if not cut out my swearing. It will be better for everyone in the long run.

Image Credit: The Punch.com.au

'Good Secret - Bad Secret' - How do we protect our children?

What a topic! Not one I ever thought I would blog about but here I am doing just that and feeling that I must share what I learnt last night in the hope that some others parents can become enlightened and help to protect their children.

Do you even have any idea what I am talking about yet?

Child protection issues, making sure (as much as we can) that our children avoid abuse of any kind.

Yesterday night, after a long day at work and running around like a loony to get the kids to bed I arrived at Church for 7.30pm to attend a 3 hour session on Child Protection - boring was my first thought and where's the coffee was my second. I could not think of anything I would rather do than sit there and listen to this boredom but actually it was a real eye opener for me and I am so glad that I went. I will be there again next week for part two.

The NSPCC state that approximately 6% of all UK children suffer from some kind of abuse (be it physical, emotional or sexual). How horrifying is that? When you relate that figure to your child's school or to the amount of parent blogs that you read it means that about 6 out of every 100 helpless children that you have read about or seen have, or are being abused. It tears my heart apart to think about this and that is probably why I have never thought about it before.

We all assume that our child is safe, we are great parents in this regard - aren't we? Our kids only stay with very trusted babysitters, we monitor their Internet use, we walk them to school and back, they only attend recognised and regulated after school groups etc etc. However, this is just us being naive.

Last night they stated that about 6 single children are abducted by strangers in the UK every year and this is tragic, 6 too many! I am sure if I pose the question - 'How many of you have taught your children to be stranger aware?', you would raise your hand and say yes I have and quite rightly so, we want to do the best by our kids.

What about if I now ask, 'How many of you have taught your children to be weary of people they know, people they even love?', 'Who has taught their children protection strategies to help them avoid any kind of abuse?'. Chances are you might now say no, I have not. It never occurred to me it was necessary. I definitely fall into this category. I do not want to scare my child and tell them about things that I pray will never happen to them, this was my first thought last night.

Then they went on to explain that you do not have to tell your child specifics or give them graphic details, that is not what protection strategies are for. I bet your 6 year old (if you have one) could tell you it is dangerous to get run over by a bus or to touch the electrics with wet hands but he probably could not tell you what would actually happen to him if he did either of those things. He just knows they are dangerous and not good.

It is the same kind of principle with teaching our children how to protect themselves. You do not tell them what might happen, you just make them aware that whatever contact (physical, verbal or whatever) that any other child or adult has with them they have to be completely happy with. Last night they talked about the concept of good secrets - bad secrets. A good secret is keeping a surprise for Mummies birthday, a bad secret is any one that makes the child feel uneasy inside. If we could just install this one single thing in every child, that it is always OK to tell a bad secret to a responsible adult then that would be a marvellous step forward.

I just want to add that I am not making light of this really serious subject, I am aware someone reading this might of been abused themselves and be thinking that avoiding abuse is just not as simple as telling the secret when you are petrified of the abuser or sure that it is your own fault. All I am saying is the more we can teach boundaries to our children of what is acceptable and what is not the better equipped they will be.

If anyone has any strategies, ways of teaching children these boundaries or such I would love to hear, please leave me a comment as I will be having a conversation with JJ in the next few days. With regards to the girls my gut reaction is that they are perhaps too young to understand right now and that in a year or so I might be having the same conversation with them. When do you think is the right age to broach this kind of subject?

I think after writing such a drastic post I have to add some balance and say, remember that it is only a small minority of people who are abusers. Most of us love children and do everything in our power to protect them but I will leave you with this final question. Your house will probably never be burgled but would you take the risk and have no insurance? No me neither, I want to provide that insurance for my kids as much as I can.

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The course material was produced by the Churches Child Protection Advisory Service and was very good. They have some useful info on their website.

It Takes Two Baby...

...to make a wish come true! So say the words of the Tina Turner song and how right they are.

Never did I know I had this desire to be part of the special club of twin mummies; my perfect little plan in my head was to have two children, a boy first to grow up strong and handsome, to be the big brother and then to have a little single princess to dote on her big brother and to be the baby of the family who was just a little tiny bit spoilt.

That was always the known desire of my heart but secretly somewhere there was lurking this longing for two babies at once. I realise this now as about a year after trying for my second baby and having no success I was staying at my Mum and Dad's for the weekend and I had a dream that my husband and I would have three children but only two pregnancies. I also remember the name Samuel Noah being really special to me. When my hubby joined me there I told him all about this and we thought nothing of the three babies thing, until a year later when it was revealed at the early six week scan that yes, I was carrying twins.

Somewhere along the line I have been turned into an avid lover of twins. Two little babies together just melts my heart and makes me think of my babes when they were small all curled up together. Now I am not saying that one babe is also not special, as of course I have my JJ and he is perfection in a single package (to me). There are just some things that us twins mums get to experience that are really different to having a singleton and having been there and done both I feel privileged to have experienced both sides of the coin.

Of course some parts of parenting twins is extremely hard. How do you physically carry two babes when you're bump is so large? and the logistics of trying to get two screaming, colicky babies fed at the same time in the middle of the night, on your own - just do not ask!

But some things just make it all worthwhile. Some times are only achievable with two - It takes two baby! The song got it right! So here is a quick trip down memory lane, of why two floats my boat!

Tiny babies cuddling up to each other, just like in the womb -

Play fighting and hugging together at just a few months old -

There is always someone to match your outfit with -

You'll never put your foot in your mouth as there is always someone watching out for you -

Not having to be scared on the funfair rides, as you always have a best friend with you -

Never having to eat alone -

Having someone to have snowball fights with, whether they want to or not -

Someone always being around when you just need a hug -

You've always got someone to experience the wonder with -

Someone else always gets your brand of crazy and is willing to join in -

And just think what the future will hold - someone to hold your hand on your first day at school, someone to cry to when your first boyfriend dumps you, someone to share clothes with, an instant bridesmaid and much, much more. I will try to ensure that my girls grow up knowing just how very lucky they are.

People used to stop me in the street and say 'Here comes double trouble' and I always replied 'No, double the joy' and I stand by that now. As a mummy of twins I get to experience everything that a singleton mum does but I get mine in stereo, when one takes her first step the other does too just a few weeks later. No time to be dissapointed that one stage is over as I get to experience it all again and then we are straight onto the next one.

Any other twin mummies out there reading? Share with me your best twinnie moments, I love to hear your stories. Leave me a comment.

Small Victories Rock!

It has been a good day, I think the title gives that away.

So I came home from ED last night all motivated and I knew exactly what was on my food plan today and so far it has been perfecto!

Here are my small victories of the day -

Instead of something consisting of starch and fat (ie toast, bagel, croissant etc) I had a banana after my shreddies this morning and thoroughly enjoyed it.

I resisted the biscuits that I had to hand out to everyone else at Twins club this morning.

I shopped after twins club whilst hungry but stayed away from everything as I knew I had a tuna salad waiting at home for me, prepared in advance.

I prepared the girls lunch when we got home before eating mine and again stayed away from the tit bits they ate - no sipping the finger in the creme fraich (for their wrap) and no picking at sausage rolls.

I loved my lunch and I did not eat the apple I had planned, choosing instead to save it for later when I believed I might be hungry.

Then at swimming the girls normally have a treat whilst they wait for JJ and I will normally join them with a kit kat or crisp. Today I had water.

After swimming it is a quick treat tea as we get home late. I dished up the kids sausage and chips from the chippie and did not even lick my fingers. I chucked both some sausage and some chips into the recycling.

So here I am at 7.30pm and just cooking a special meal for Adam and I to enjoy together and I thank the Lord for helping me to stick to my food plan. To those of you out with with normal eating habits these all seem silly things easily avoided by someone with a strong mind, to those fellow overeaters you know that God has been with me today and that this has been amazing. Keep on like this and I will be calling it a miracle!

I better just log that I weighed 16st 3lb this morning and that is still a good drop form my heaviest weight, which was about 17st 10lb but obviously is not as good at the 15st 2lb that I did get to. However I feel really positive for the future right now and my weight is not the be all and end all. It is just one part of my recovery and my actual health is the far more important thing.

Being God Centered not food centered

Seeing as this blog came about as I wanted to keep track of my food issues, I seem to have lost focus on that just recently, both in real life and on here. I have been to a different ED meeting tonight, it was further away from home but I really felt earlier it was time to be brave and try a new meeting. I love my meeting but I think I can get too comfy and complacent.

I believe that I need to find a sponsor to help take me through the steps and to keep me focused on being abstinent from eating compulsively. I have suffered over the last year (can you believe I have been in a 12 step fellowship for just over a year now, how quick times flies when you are having fun etc...) with a description of what abstinence is. Some people say it is no sugar, others no sugar and no white flour, others weigh and measure every piece of food and have nothing nice at all. I heard a description on a podcast the other day, which I thought was just fab and I would like to adopt. Abstinence is being God centered rather than food centered and this just clicked and I liked its simplicity. So for now or until God reveals otherwise this is what I will work to.

As soon as I got home tonight I have text my food plan for tomorrow to my food sponsor and I have had a bottle of water. I had to drive home past a Maccy D's and it was tempting to go in there but for now (praise God) I really feel as if I would like to get abstinent and stop allowing food to rule my life. This is great news for me and for all those close to me, especially the kids as it means I will be sane to help ensure they do not end up eating like I do. I already see indications of a problem with JJ, he is food obsessed. If you ask him why he loves Mummy, his instant answer is because I cook for him! Oh dear. In the last couple of months dh and I have noticed that JJ has put some weight on around his middle, so we have cut back on some of his treats and portion size and today I really noticed a difference. Of course we have not mentioned this to him as it would not be right to make a 6 year old aware of any weight issue.

Anyway enough for tonight, I need to head off to bed, altogether I am tempted to watch the results for the election come in, but alas I do have kids and do need to get up at 7am tomorrow and I have date night planned with my hubbie tomorrow so I must stay awake for that.

Thanks for putting up with my rantings, I promise to get back to being the normal nutty me in the next few weeks and to stop posting sad posts and feeling sorry for myself.

Its a funny old world!

I am feeling totally strange at the moment. Not particularly anything. I am up and down like a roller coaster right now. Someone said to me that having a miscarriage can lead to mood swings and I think they are right. I wonder if poor old dh is feeling the effects of living with me right now?

I am actually feeling quite sick tonight and of course my first thought was that it was morning sickness but no so. It takes some getting used to. I suppose I had 7 weeks learning and letting it sink in that I was pregnant and now I am only one week into knowing that it was not to be. When I think to this time last week I was in agony and wondering if I needed to go to A&E. I thought that a miscarriage would be very emotional and might only last about 48 hours physically. I now know that physically it can be awful. I am on day 8 now and feeling about 90% recovered but I can not believe what a week I have had. The pain has been beyond comprehension and I now know that I would never want to give birth naturally as I could not bear that again.

I feel very tired today, I went back to work today and was up in the night with Miss M, who was crying that 'her nose does not work!', yep she was blocked up! I think this tiredness is contributing to my feeling of being alone right now. I am not sure why I feel like that as I am with dh and we are chatting, I have been to work and school today and had the kids. So I have seen people. I suppose it must be down to the feeling of emptiness and loss inside but boy do I feel bloated at the moment - as fat as a large cow. So I will go to ED tomorrow night and start to do some work on that.

You know what it is like once you feel a little down about something, you then start to allow crap to make you feel even more down. About a week ago 2 of my followers of this blog unsubscribed and I have tried to ignore the nagging feeling but it is getting to me. Why have they left me? I expect as I am too graphic and write too much from the heart and that is not their cup of tea and lets be honest, that is fine. You win some and you lose some.

I was then heartened to see that I have had about 60 visitors since I was last on here (3 days) and that feels quite good to me (no where near what the big rated blogs get but so what) but then you wonder why no one has left a comment and said hi. Also there are a few bloggers that I felt that I had developed quite a good relationship with and a few of them have not even commented on here since I announced I was first pregnant and then that I had miscarried and that just reminds me this is not real and that it is very fickle. One moment you are top of the crop and another just forgotten. Some of it might be that I am not bothering to go on Twitter and promote myself and remind people I am here. I do not enjoy Twitter and I do not get the half conversations on there so I am staying away. Why torture myself with something just to be popular in blogsville?

It feels good dumping all this trash here, rather than having it in my mind and now I think I must go to bed and snooze before another busy day tomorrow.

Notes from the heart...

Dear Mum and Dad,

Thanks so much for coming up here this weekend. Mum, it has been just what I needed to have you here. The kids are missing you already and keep asking when they will see their Jeanie again. Dad, I know it is unheard of for you to have a Saturday off, thanks so much and I hope your football match was good this afternoon.

We all look forward to seeing you soon, your loving daughter.

Mich xxxxx

PS - We think Archie is super cute and Miss E and M still insist he is their new best friend

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Archie mate,

You are a gorgeous little boy and I can not believe how well behaved you are for a 7 week old pup.

Keep up the good work

You new big sister x

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Dear Friends and readers,

Thanks so much for all the wonderful support you have given me in the last week. Your comments, messages, texts and calls have meant the world to me. The world seems a very different place to 7 days ago, then I was doing the ironing suffering with morning sickness and watching trash TV. Tonight I am flopped on the sofa still in pain and trying to realise that there is no babe anymore.

A still sad Mich (but I will be OK) x

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Dear God,

I do not understand what happens much of the time but I have enough faith to know that your will is best and that longer term things will make sense to me. I thank you that you are always there and listen to me constantly. Please be with dh also in this strange situation, he seems to be dealing just fine but it is his loss too and seeing as he is not a big talker it will be his instinct to bottle his real feelings up.

Michelle, who wishes she could fully surrender to you

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Dear dh,

I love you so much, sometimes I find you frustrating as you appear to zone out but that could just be a protective mechanism. I was feeling so resentful earlier towards you as I got up to Miss M this morning at 4.45am when she was crying. All I needed to do was nudge you if I wanted you to go to her but instead as I was awake anyway I played the martyr and went to her and tried to ignore the agony in my stomach. Who was at fault? me, yes I know - you can not be resented for sleeping soundly.

Thank you for letting me stay in bed all day today, taking the kids out for a wood trek, doing their lunch and tea and putting them to bed on your own. I would love to have seen you playing that DS less today when the girls were bored and fighting but again I just need to talk to you really and explain that when it is a rainy day and two 2 year old are trapped inside for the day you have to orchestrate activities for them. They are not old enough to plan for themselves. Did you see how nice they played for that 3/4 hour while you cooked tea. Puzzles and some adult guidance works wonders.

Anyway enough whinging, it has helped me writing this down. I know I have one of the good ones. I am lucky to have a hubbie who adores his kids and wants to spend time with them. Sometimes I just need to get my unrealistic expectations in check!

Love you always, Mich x

PS - so sorry we did not get to go out last night and enjoy some time together. I will plan a nice night for us together this weekend.

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Dear Indian Spice,

I enjoyed the take away, thanks but will you stop making my chicken tikka quite so spicy!

Cheers, the woman with the streaming eyes!

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To my three precious babies,

There is no need to be worrying about Mummy. Whilst I hurt now I pray the pain will all be gone soon and I will be back to myself. I am grateful for each one of you and your own kooky ways. Thank you for being caring and helping me this week.

I adore you, Mummy xxx

Thank you for my awards

Thank you to Beth at My Good Life for tagging me for the above two awards and thanks to Purple Ramblings for tagging me for the one below. I am a lucky girl!


Right lets get this blog back up to a happy place. I am still not quite right physically but when have I ever let that keep me down! A while back a couple of fab newish bloggers tagged me for meme's and awards and I have been too tied up in myself to get on with it and follow the rules. So here I am being a good girl.

The rules for accepting the awards passed to me by Beth are -

1. List 7 things about me!
2. Pass onto 15 of my favourite bloggers.

and the rules for the one passed to me by purple ramblings seem very similar - but I have to reveal 7 things that I have not told people before.
So I am going to cheat and just reveal 7 things about me and hope that covers both awards (sorry if that is a cop out!).

Gosh, this feels really hard, I am so darn open and honest that I think I might possibly have told you everything there is to know about me! and for those of you reading this who know me in real life - sorry I know you already know!

Fact 1
I met dh when I was 21, we were both trainee managers for the same hotel company. I was sent to Eastbourne to work at his hotel for the Christmas period and I thought I had been banished to the worst place on earth, little did I know I would fall in love...

Fact 2
I can not stand the feel of wood in my mouth. It turns my stomach, this is a funny little phobia I have but it stops me eating those little ice cream tubs and some lollies.

Fact 3
I became a Christian when I was 28. Dh and I wanted to get married and the local Vicar at the church dh wanted to get married insisted we attend an Alpha course. I thought it would be so awful with little old ladies quoting scripture at me. Little did I know it would change mine and Dh's lives for the better.

Fact 4
I want to work for God. I have this desire to do some work which is really worthwhile and will actually visibly help people. I have always had this inkling that at some point dh and I will run a Christian retreat or conference centre and we will all live on site and this will be a fab way for our kids to grow up.

Fact 5
I have changed so much in the last few years. I looked back last week at a notebook from 2004 and in it I had written my goals for the future, I was reading a life coaching book on holiday. The goals were all about shallow things, like a 4 bed house with a u shape drive, 2 posh cars, being slim and sexy so I could turn heads (Gosh am I embarrassed that I wrote that!), having great sex always, having a fab wardrobe etc etc and nothing about my spiritual life. If you asked me nowadays for the most important goal for the future it would be to be a secure and happy family serving Christ wherever was appropriate. Now do not get me wrong this would not be easy to do as I am still sinfully shallow and love possessions but I am getting better and growing!

Fact 6
I really want to learn to Salsa with dh. This is just hilarious as dh and I are both big hippos but we are up for a bit of fun! We had put this on hold due to the pregnancy but now we can look into this again. I think this time spent together each week will keep us solid together. The marriage course was wonderful for starting that and then to be honest being PG had us more separate than together as I was so tired.

Fact 7
Not very revealing about me but I am excited about it none the less. I am having my garage converted into a proper room and this will give us another large reception room. Once I can pile all the toys and PC into and throw the kids in there to make a mess, leaving my front room nice and tidy for me to enjoy! yay The financing is now sorted and we need to get the gate in the back garden, the shed built and everything out of the garage and then late summer the new room will happen.

As for tagging people I think I am so late in the day with these awards that I will just say, If you have not done the meme or been awarded the award please feel free to help yourself and have a go!

Slow down, enjoy our time...

Morning all, Just to say I am feeling so much better today. I went to hospital yesterday but did not need the op as I had naturally miscarried mostly and then the doctor was able to remove the rest, including the tissue that would of been my babe so that has gone off for a cremation after some analysis. Although this physical aspect does not matter so much to me as I know my unborn babe is in Heaven already.I received some amazing flowers yesterday from Church and all my friends and virtual friends have been so supportive, thanks.

Below is a circular email I received recently and I find it really pertinent right now. A gentle reminder than life can be short and we must enjoy it while we are here. Enjoy...

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever watched kids

On a merry-go-round?

Or listened to the rain

Slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Do you run through each day

On the fly?

When you ask How are you?

Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done

Do you lie in your bed

With the next hundred chores

Running through your head?

You'd better slow down

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Ever told your child,

We'll do it tomorrow?

And in your haste,

Not seen his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,

Let a good friendship die

Cause you never had time

To call and say,'Hi'

You'd better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last..

When you run so fast to get somewhere

You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through your day,

It is like an unopened gift....

Thrown away.

Life is not a race.

Do take it slower

Hear the music

Before the song is over.

Bathtime from hell, my awful night

Ohh it all kicked off last night. Things were fine during the day, I ended up enjoying my time to myself and got loads done towards planning the garage conversion. Then off I went and picked up JJ, the girls and dh and came home and all was fine until about 6pm when I started to get some period like pains.

It was nothing too much at first, so I took some paracetamol at 6pm and at about 6.20m dh went off to lead cubs and I was happy for him to go out. By about 6.45pm I needed to get the girls to bed and I was in agony, I wanted to cry, I could hardly move and I had these two little princesses who were not being naughty by any means but wanted to have fun and play with Mum, I just could not deal with it. I was so proud of how I kept my calm and explained Mummy was very poorly and they needed to help me by doing as they were told - what beauties, it was as if they understood at 2 3/4 years that this was serious and they needed to listen. So I got them bathed and into PJs and read one story and had to ask JJ to read the other as I had to head to the loo for the first of many, many trips. JJ was a trooper and read to them and then got himself showered and joined me on my bed ('Mummy why are you lying on that towel?') and read me a story, in between my 7 trips to the loo in the space of about 20 minutes.

Dh came home about 8.20pm to find me on the bed in agony and hardly able to talk. I felt sick as a dog and could not get a comfy position. I missed all the TV I wanted to watch last night as I just could not concentrate. The sweats came and went and I was convinced I would pass out at any time. I forced myself to eat a slice of toast to help with the sickness and at 9pm I called the hospital to see if I could take mefanamic acid as the paracetamol had just not touched the pain. Thankfully they said yes and by 10pm the pain was subsiding and I managed to fall asleep. I had a night of up and downs to the loo but at least I could sleep in between.

I was up early this morning to have finished my breakfast by 7am in case I need the operation later. I am now nil by mouth until about 4pm this afternoon. It might be that I do not need the op though as I have now passed an awful lot naturally. Apparently the pain I was feeling was my uterus contracting, now I think thank goodness I have never given birth vaginally if it hurts like that.

So today is starting a much better day, I can talk and think and move without too much pain - yay. Thank you lord.

Thanks also to all the lovely people leaving me comments or texting me with well wishes.

It is hitting me today

A message to those who know me, this is not a particularly cheerful post, if it will upset you do not read it but it is helping me to write things down and get them out so I will continue to post about sad stuff as well as good stuff. Fundamentally I will be fine, I am sad but all will be well so no need for you to be sad too. Mich x

I have dropped JJ to breakfast club, dh to the station and the girls off to nursery and now I have the day to myself. My op is not until tomorrow now and the way things are going (slowly) I assume I will make it in there to have the operation.

Things are sinking in today - on the way back from nursery I stopped at Asda to fill up the car and buy some sanitary pads. I think that set me off, how sad to have to buy maternity pads when there is no baby to come home. I went to buy the girls a new cup each and some tangle free shampoo for Miss E and of course this was all in the baby section so there I was looking at things for babes and realising I do not need those. I walked around Asda with a massive lump in my throat and feeling sick and thinking it is just not fair to have morning sickness and not actually be carrying a live baby anymore. Luckily I caught myself having this kind of unhelpful thought and reminded myself that grieving is fine but irrational self-pity will get me nowhere. All that was running through my mind though was 'I want my baby'. Sadly, that is not to be.

I had a good old cry on the drive home from the shops, I suppose being alone today gives me time to think and to feel free to express myself. It is hard to be sad in front of your kids or at work so this may have kept me going the last couple of days. On the drive home I drove past the hospital (probably a silly mistake) and realised I would be in there tomorrow and would again probably be very sad.

I realised I am now grieving for the loss of this baby, I had really wanted the babe and had planned out in my mind the next year or so and was looking forward to time off work and my girls starting nursery school and me being there for their half days. A glorious couple of hours to myself each day with my babe, feeding and cuddling. I don't think dh and I will actually try for another baby because as I have said before logically and financially 3 is enough for us really and I also keep wondering if I ought to give up work and be at home with the children more. Would they develop into better young children if I was here to give them more time and guidance? It is not necessarily what I want but I think it may be what God is calling me too. If only we could wave a magic wand and dh would earn £10K more but I know that as Christians we have to be willing to walk in faith and that if me giving up work is the right thing then we should trust that God will provide and do the scary thing first and watch things turn out just fine - as that is often the way it works with God.

So I am off now to hang out the washing and do some cleaning I expect I may be back later.

2pm update, just had a fish finger sandwich and feeling quite a lot better. Upstairs all cleaned, tided, beds changed and floors hoovered and now going to have an hour to myself until I pick up my gorgeous little man from school.

Coping or masking?

I am back at work today and colleagues that know what has happened have commented that I appear to be coping really well on the outside. I have just been out for my lunch break and whilst walking round the shops it got me thinking 'How am I coping', 'Am I really coping at all?' I sort of don't feel anything at all at the moment, except resigned to the fact that there is no babe and that the next few days will be unpleasant as I either have the op or lose the baby naturally (I expect it might go this way as things have already started to progress if you know what I mean).

The first thing that struck me is that in ED they always talk about us compulsive overeaters avoiding any kind of feelings and emotions by eating to stifle them and whilst I have not been on a mega binge or anything I had been using my pregnancy as free reign to eat what I fancied, including all the foods I know have no nutritional value and are just in my diet as they sooth me!

So I sort of came to the conclusion that because I am not abstinent from eating compulsively I am probably not working this through as thoroughly as I should be. People keep telling me to grieve and I do not feel a need to at the moment - is this very hard-hearted?

I know that once the procedure is over and I stop feeling pregnant (I still have morning sickness right now) I have to focus on getting myself back on track with my eating. I allowed myself to put on half a stone whilst pregnant, so that needs to go. Until I can clear my head I do not have perspective on the things that happen in my life, I know this to be true and I trust that God will help me when the time is right for me to listen and obey.

Here I am eating a Nandos for my lunch as I feel I deserve something nice as I am also going through something unpleasant and I also bought myself a new suit for work at lunchtime. Yes it was a bargain at £20.99 in the M&S outlet clearance area but lets be honest it is just another way of me masking what should be feeling painful. (Mum you can give me your opinion on Friday).

When you think about these things logically you have to laugh at me and how strange I am. I was waiting to collect dh yesterday from his train and instead of taking some time to be, I choose to run off and clean the bathroom as I was home and it needed doing. Doing and not being yet again!

So this is where I am at right now, in a nothing place. I know things will get better and that things happen for a reason, I am just not privy to that reason right now. I am eternally grateful that this has happened after my two successful pregnancies and that it has happened now rather than at a much later stage in the pregnancy. I remain blessed with my great children, dh and wider family.

My Sad Day

I am feeling sad today and kind of empty inside but technically that is not true as I still have a babe inside me but just not a living one to be born into our family.

I had some bleeding over the weekend and pain this morning and my cervix just did not feel right. I expect many people have no idea what their cervix should feel like but after charting my ovulation symptoms for a couple of years before the girls I got good at knowing my bodily changes. Anyway after about 3 hours at the doctors and then at the hospital in the early pregnancy unit I had a scan and found out my babe passed at 7+5. I should of been near 11 weeks today, so this was a little while back. It feels completely strange as I was just getting used to this babe becoming part of our family and thinking about all the changes that would come about.

At the moment I am in the painful place of waiting to see if I will miscarry naturally and scared about how much this might hurt and whether anything I pass will be recognisable (I am sorry if this is too gory for you). If nothing has happened within the next couple of days I am booked in for an operation under general anesthetic to have the babe removed. I am not looking forward to that but the prospect of just leaving this to go on for potentially weeks is just too much for me to shoulder.

Dh has been a wonderful support and came straight home from work to be with me, of course this is his loss too and I must be mindful of that. I think to be honest the biggest thing on his mind at the moment is ensuring I am well. I was over the moon to pick JJ up from school today and give him a massive hug and then to collect the girls too for a squeeze and nose kiss. We all went into town for tea and to enjoy an hour together.

I have not really cried much, I expect I will at some point. Just when I do not want to the urge will hit me and embarrass me in public I expect. I do not suppose there is a way you are supposed to feel when something like this happens but I am not as mortified as I would expect. Yes I am mourning the loss of my babe that I will never meet, the one I hoped would be a boy called Samuel Noah. The can did reveal it was just one babe I was carrying, that had been my biggest fear until today, having twins. Now of course I realise my biggest fear should of been something quite different.

Logically dh and I know that three kids really is enough for us and that it is just the right amount of children for us to be really great parents to. When out and about one parent has JJ and one has the girls and everyone feels included and we have time to spend alone with each of them. Another child may of upset this balance and someone could of ended up being marginalised, of course this would not of been on purpose but I could have foreseen it happening to some extent.

I think that is enough wittering for today, I am sure I will be back to pour out some more of my heart when it hits me further.

Little things lift my spirit, well done JJ!

I am feeling very happy with my big boy right now. We have been doing some serious work over the last couple of weeks to try and restore him to the kind, considerate and polite little boy that he once was. Somewhere in the last year or so he had lost the ability to say 'please' and had totally forgotten that 'Thank you' was part of his vocabulary. It also appeared in 'World JJ' to be OK to argue with and correct your parents. To say I had had enough of this was an understatement!

So the work started, without the word please, whatever he had asked for was denied for at least an hour - that sure had the desired effect and we also had some frank conversations about respect and how lucky he was with all the days out and treats he received. Daddy got quite cross and explained that not everything in life was for fun and that some things were serious, like the swim lessons he starts tomorrow. In fact Daddy told him that if he did not take the swim lessons seriously any fun clubs that he normally attends would be cancelled until the end of summer and dh meant it!

Anyway enough of what we have been doing, the reason I feel so lifted today is that I have been starting to see the pay back over the last couple of days.

Yesterday at bedtime Miss M realised she had left her black dolly (her favourite) at nursery and that she could not go to bed with her. In comes JJ with his Butlins bear and consoles her that she can borrow him. Then before Miss E has time to whine about it (and you know she would have) in he comes again to the girls bedroom with his Haven bear for her. Two calm and happy young ladies and one boy with a big kiss from Mummy.

Then today when I picked him up from school I went to see his teacher, she is covering and does not really know JJ. His normal teacher is stuck in Oz with all these flight delays. I tell her that JJ has a chart normally to monitor is calling out and talking out of turn and how has he been this week and she tells me he has been great, no problem at all. Wow, what a change, normally after 2 weeks off and being spoilt seeing Nanny, going on holiday etc he comes back a nightmare, live-wired and without the ability to calm down and take turns etc. This time is different! yay

Lastly today he has a little friend round and I offer the biscuits and he says 'you can choose first Charlotte'. Completely unheard of, I was gob-smacked and he got a lot of praise.

So a big well done to my gorgeous young man. You make Mummy very happy. xx

A week in the life of Mich (babies, nits and bits!)

I have become very slack with my blogging of late, I take a 6 week break and expect to come back to it full of gusto and a million and one posts in my head and instead I am enjoying living my life! Now, that is not to say that those of you who blog lots are not, blogging for you is obviously a more integral part of what makes you happy than it is for me.

So to try and capture some of the things that I have wanted to blog about but have been too busy, here is a week in the life of Mich.... (with a revelation - keep reading!)

Wednesday 14th April
We have been at Spring Harvest (massive Christian festival at Butlins, Skegness) since Sunday and we are all having a ball. JJ is enjoying his kids club, Powerpack and the girls are heading off to their nursery class with no tears or moans - joy! I have been going to the Activist zone each day and we have been discovering what it takes to be a Christian in today's society; our need to be distinctly different but in a good way! The worship here is amazing and I am really enjoying praising God and taking time to be with dh, the kids and God.

I think dh and I have been convinced of our need to find a Church closer to our home when we were asked what was the best thing about the Church we attend and we both struggled to answer that! So the next few months will be a time of exploration to find a new spiritual home where there is a really strong local community feel.

Thursday 15th April
The girls God Parents were also at Spring Harvest on this same week so we met up with them today and it was lovely to have some time catching up and playing with the girls all together. Then in the evening I went to the service with them and really enjoyed the live atmosphere rather than watching the service on the TV which is what I had done the other nights while I looked after the kids and was too pooped to move from the couch!

Friday 16th April
Time to head home today but not before we have our final celebratory service. This was the first time dh and I had some alone time together this week and it reminded me that I missed being out with him and enjoying his company. I was pretty over whelmed at this service and found myself singing my heart out to 'Glorious' and 'Faith is rising' while booing my eyes out! Not because I was sad but it felt like a real release, I think I was touched and filled with the Holy Spirit (probably too much info for any non Christians reading - freak alert!, believe me that was what I used to think, lol).

Saturday 17th April
This could be named the weekend of washing and ironing! I did at least 12 loads of washing and ironed it all over Saturday and Sunday nights, which felt good afterwards but already the rail is re-filling itself again! agghh

We decided that it was a luxury to have dh home on a Saturday and the weather was fantastic so we should not waste it. At St Albans Cathedral we had a picnic and then headed to see the ducks and for a play in the park. After a tad of shopping it was time to head home but we all had a lovely family day together and for absolutely minimal cost.

Sunday 18th April
Church this morning as I was on creche, the girls protested about going as they wanted to go to the 'big holiday church', it was great to hear they had such a fab time at Spring Harvest too.

We had a nice relaxing day really with Church, lunch cooked by my mother in law and another trip to the park.



Monday 19th April
Busy day!! Back to work which I was not at all looking forward to as we have a new HR system coming into play and we are starting to parallel run but seeing as it has not been properly tested we are also testing at the same time. Complete balls up is the best way to describe it!

I was happy to have a lunchtime appointment for my booking in appointment with the midwife. Yep I am pregnant again! Whoops, how did that happen? Well of course I know but I had stupidly convinced myself that God did not want dh and I to have any more kids and that three really was enough! not so, number four is on its way (well I pray it is only number four and not four and five, there is about a 1 in 12 chance of me having twins again!). Roll on 6 May when I have my scan and will know how many babies I am currently cooking. So I am about 10 weeks pregnant and my due date is about mid November but this could all chance as I really can not swear that I even had a period in February. I had got so busy and pre-occupied that I forgot to track it! So now I have revealed the real reason why my blogging has been so poor since being back after Lent - I have been knackered, feeling sick and wanting to talk about my PG. You may never get me off here again now! lol

After returning to work for just half hour I then get the call I always dread - the nursery. 'Oh what now?' I am thinking. This time Miss E has head lice - err my gorgeous babe with the beautiful hair and then I realise I have been scratching too - yuck. I leave work immediately and luckily dh is home with JJ so I drop the girls home and £20.50 later I return from the chemist (how expensive is it to have nits nowadays????) and treat us all to some lovely oily treatment. I am still not convinced everything is gone but the nit comb shows no signs of the nasties and it will become my best friend from now onwards. I will be 'Nitty Nora' checking the kids each week.

A word of warning to those unwise people like me, Headrin stains your clothes. JJ's and my tops could be heading for the bin!

Not content with my eventful day so far I venture out to meet the ladies from my Church House Group. It is a social so basically I stuff my face with nice munchies and we have a good laugh playing a quiz game called Buzz on the PS3 - what fun!

So there you have it, a week in the life of me, never boring!

Notes from the Heart.......

Dear newly engaged workmates (both of you!),

I have to be honest and say that I am feeling totally envious of your big sparkly platinum set solitaire diamond rings that are far far bigger than mine. I do not know why I am feeling like this but I do realise it is stupid. However let me make this clear, I am so so happy for you both and wish you years of happiness.

From the one who needs to be far less possessions driven!

----------------------------------------------------------

To the weather,

I love you; it is warm and sunny today, the kids are on the new trampoline and it lifts my heart.

Happy sunny Mich x

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To the Spring Harvest Staff,

We can not wait to see you on Sunday, our weeks holiday should be amazing if it is anything like last year. We are so looking forward to this time of family, fun, friends and worship.

All the family xx

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To my urge to eat constantly,

Please go away and leave me in peace. I am getting fatter by the day and it is making me feel a bit down. I do feel totally powerless at the moment to get a grip on my eating. I know some of it is outside my control and is situation driven but I am sure some of it is my sick head, saying 'go on, you can have it'.

Shelly welly with the fat belly!

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Hiya Kids,

I just want to say thanks for trying hard to behave and play nicely together, I know it is hard when you are all home but Mummy really appreciates you trying hard for her.

I love you all, Mummy xx

PS - JJ that was so cute that you tried to hang my washing out for me this morning, bless you babe.

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Howdy, Lent is over

Hey all, How are you? Have you missed me? naahh I know your life is very busy.

I have not returned to blogging with any witty post that I have been thinking up over the last 6 weeks I am afraid. I have just come back as me, sentimental old fool that I am. Before I took my Lent break I was getting very tied up in this blogging lark. The ugly competitive side of me had come out and I was worrying about how many people followed my blog, who liked me and who didn't. Should I be on Twitter each day? How do I improve my readership? How many blogs am I subscribed to? etc etc. The resulting obsessed Mich was not really a person I liked too much.

So here I am back with a sound mind again. Blogging is something I will do when I feel like it and primarily I do it for me and any close family and friends who know me and like to keep up with our family's life. If I gain some new friends along my blogging journey that is wonderful but no longer will I be a 'comments whore', someone out for acknowledgment or affirmation of every little thing they write.

I am sure I must have said before that I hold no secret desire to be a writer and therefore there is no reason why I need a big readership of this blog. I have to love me for being me and not because people think my blog is good enough to be on their list. At my ED group they always talk about 'other people's opinions of me being no business of mine' and that is so right and I will do well to remember it.

So my 6 weeks absence has been far easier than I thought it would be. The first couple of weeks were very hard and I admit I did leave 1 comment and log onto my blog 2 or 3 times to see if I had any new followers - yes sad I know! but the last 4 weeks or so have been pretty easy and I have really enjoyed the extra time with my kids and hubbie. So that has affirmed to me my decision to blog when I want to and not when I feel I should. It was only yesterday evening that i realised that Lent was over and I could blog if I wanted and as you can see I did not run to the PC and post. I decided to enjoy a DVD with my man instead.

Some great stuff has been going on for me and the family the last few weeks and I will post more about that another time. My marriage course is over now and that has been an amazing experience and has definitely bought dh and I closer. I also have some preoccupying news which I will share soon.

My 10 Most Surreal Mummy Moments!

Wow, I have been a Mummy for 6 1/4 years now. That is a long time! but not half as long as I hope to be a Mummy for - perhaps at least another 60 years... and maybe I will get to see a Grandchild or two. That just makes me giggle like a little girl, me a Granny - no I can't believe it.

The Mummy Bloggers Carnival over At Wives and Daughters has got me thinking about all the surreal moments that we have as parents. Things we never dreamt we would do or things that just would not happen to us. We are too cool, too detached or just plain too embarrassed for that! Nope, I have now realised us Mummies have no shame - we will do whatever we need to to ensure our babes are safe and as well bought up as can be. Their happiness is our holy grail.

So here are my top 10 surreal mummy moments -

1. Receiving a birthday card for my 30th Birthday from Dennis the Menace, AKA my Bump which of course is now JJ. This was so wonderful as my dh is not one of the emotional types but somehow he had tuned into just how special this first pregnancy was for me.

2. Having a crash section under general and waking an hour later to find dh and JJ cuddling and bonding. I found it so traumatic to be out of it whilst he was born that when I came around I was woozy and did not feel the instant love I thought I would. Turn the clock 48 hours forward and I have had no sleep (yep NO sleep) and I still have JJ at my boob, I have not put him down as yet and all of a sudden I look at him and think 'I have fallen in love with him'. It rates in my top 5 moments of my life.

3. Being in hospital before the birth of my twins as I had pre-eclampsia and the breastfeeding counsellor managing to convince me that expressing my colostrum for the babes would be a great idea. Have you ever done this? Don't. OUUCCHH! Using a syringe to catch those precious drips of gold as this strange woman massages my boobs!

4. After the birth of the twins, seeing these two perfect babes snuggled up together in their tiny see-through hospital cot. They used to snuggle in and hold hands. Ohh it makes me go gooey.

5. Tandem feeding two tiny babies, my boobs were bigger than their heads. I am sat propped up the hospital bed and my door is open and all these visitors are walking past and there are both boobs on show to the world! oh dear, the shame...

6. Going shopping without the babies and still pushing that trolley back and forwards, back and forwards. I don't want the invisible baby to cry!

7. Running out the house for a doctors appointment a couple of weeks after the birth of the twins. JJ strapped in, one of the twins is strapped in and whoops, look in the rear view mirror - where is the other? Oh inside in her cot still. Bad, bad Mummy.

8. The fact that I love my kids so much. I never wanted children, I always hated kids, I never babysat, I never even held a baby until JJ was born. Then all of a sudden this hard-arse woman turns into a mountain of goo. How amazing is it when they first smile at you, giggle, stroke your face, say Mummy or tell you they 'lub you'?

9. The first parents evening! That was so scary and then they told us he was OK, he was a bright boy, a bit slow on the social development but very smart none the less. Whoopie!

10. Helping my big boy learn to ride his bike without stabilisers. He was 'King of the Bikes' and I was 'Queen Mummy' for a day. We both felt so proud and it is a very special bond between us now.

So there are my top 10 surreal mummy moments for now.

My own advice to my self-pitying self today!

I came onto the PC this morning as I have nothing much planned today and as Mum is here to supervise the kids, I thought what better time than now to catch up with some of my favourite blogs and to think about my 10 most surreal mummy moments. An hour of mummy time - bliss.

However, I am now feeling all sad. This happens to me sometimes, I am on a high and feeling good about the world (dh and I had a wonderful time at our marriage course last night. I'll post about it another time) and then one tiny thing can make it feel like it has all come tumbling down. I know it is crazy and illogical but I suppose you just can not tell what will affect you. For someone who appears so robust to the outside world I am a fragile little flower inside. Shall I let you into a secret? and it is not one I am proud of - I want to be liked and I want to be part of the gang. Anyone else suffer from this affliction?

Logically I have no idea why. I have lots of good real life friends, loads of fab virtual friends, great parents, a hubby I love, super kids etc but still I want to be liked and to fit in. I remember how hard I found the playground mummy gangs at first when JJ started going to school 3 years ago. I would worry they were meeting without me and yes occasionally people were. Why? because they knew each other pre-school or because I was at work. It took me about 2 years to realise that I actually did not have the time to become part of their gang and do all the things they did. That would mean I would not see my other friends, the ones I actually have loads in common with the enjoy spending time with. So now I have a great balance, I get invited to things and sometimes I go and sometimes I don't but we are always friendly.

But today...............I am feeling like the unpopular girl at school. This blogging world is still all new to me, I am just getting into twitter, BMB, commenting on others blogs, doing meme's, getting awards and recently entering my first carnivals. On the one hand it is thoroughly exciting and on the other I feel as if I am setting myself up to get hurt.

Now, this post is by no means on the theme of cliques or bloggers not being nice to me. Let me be clear everyone has been very nice to me (see my thank you post), not one bad word has been muttered in my direction. Loads of encouragement has been received and already I feel as if I have made a couple of friends. I know that this sadness I have today is internal, it is only generated by me. It is from that slushy emotional self that I can not seem to control. If I spoke to anyone in my ED group they would probably tell me it is because I am not working my program and that the addict in me is on self-destruct mode, that if I can get abstinent and refrain from compulsive over-eating that my perspective will return. Then I might have Christian friends telling me this is spiritual attack, that the devil wants to steal my joy and crush the good in my life so I turn to the bad. Both groups might have a point but ultimately I know that I just need to turn things over to God and get a grip! You are only as unhappy as you chose to be. Wake up and smile and choose to be happy and do not dwell on the crap. That is my own advice to my self-pitying self today!

Shall I tell you now, why I feel sad? It is because I did not make it into the current Mummy Bloggers Carnival. I know - life shattering stuff hey! I feel as if I put myself out there and submitted my first post for a carnival and then I did not get a mention. Some of the problem is that I do not really know the way they work. I saw Insomniac Mummy's great carnival and it had nearly 60 posts and was really inclusive and I thought 'ohh, I would like to be part of that'. So I submitted a post for this one and just 25 are in this one (I have no idea how many were submitted or what the norm is) and mine is not one of them and that is fine as I know I do not write anywhere near as well as many, many other bloggers but I just wonder how they were chosen. Does the host choose to their own criteria - the posts they like best, those with the most comments, those that fit a theme, pot luck?

So what did I expect? I suppose as a minimum I would just expect an email back saying 'sorry you did not make it into this carnival, try again next time'....... but maybe I am just being a whiny baby and should get a life and forget it. This post is not meant as a dig to the current host it is just me getting it off my chest.

So I leave you feeling much better that I have got all this out. After all that was the reason I started this blog initially to ensure that I did not internalise too much and dwell on it. I can now enjoy the last day of my 'at home holiday'.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. Go on be honest with me - have I taken this too personally?

Notes from the Heart....

Yesterday I mentioned Kat and her great Dear So and So posts. I thought I would try my own:

Dear Beautiful Twinnies,

Mummy is so happy that you have taken to potty training and that we have now been about a week without any accidents outside of the house. You are such clever little girls.

Keep it up, love you Mummy xxx
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Dear Miss M,

I love you, I adore you but sometimes you make me so mad. Please will you stop testing my patience and throwing yourself to the floor when you do not get your way. It is embarrassing to have to carry you round the shops by your reigns and look like the recipient of a bad mother award!

Your Exhausted and frazzled Mum
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Dear dh,

I am really looking forward to starting our course tomorrow night. It will be great to spend some 'us time' together and I am secretly hoping all this talking and sharing might lead to some post course cuddles, *wink wink!*

Love you babe, Mich x
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Right Little Man,

You need to listen to your Mummy (and teacher) more! You are so intelligent and high maintenance that I just can not keep up with your demands for attention. I have no idea how to discipline you any more, it is not as if you get away with murder. What do I need to do to get you to listen and calm down?

Your Mummy (who will always love you no matter what!) xxx
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Dear Sun Holidays,

You are really sh**e and I am never booking with you again.

Goodbye, disgruntled customer
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Dear Table, Table Restaurant,

We had a fab meal earlier and the girl serving us was great but why did it take you 20 minutes to take my money when we had two tired 2 year olds causing mayhem? Have you ever wondered why you do not get any tips???

Yours sincerely, Customer with the full belly
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Colleagues at work,

Ha, Ha I am off all this week. Ner ner ner ner!

From your childish Team Leader!
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Dear Weather,

We are planning a family day to London at the end of this week. Could you please play ball and keep the snow and rain away.

I am so over the snow! Michelle
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Dear Mr Morrisons, Sainsburys, Tesco et al,

Please, please could you stop stocking ALL yummy food. I have a problem with food and need to stop eating it (well not all of it, but the useless calories) and your shelves keep whispering sweet nothings at me is not what I need

From the Fat Pig in Herts
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Dear Readers,

It is such a pleasure getting to know you.

Grateful, Mummy from the Heart.....