Sunday 16 May 2010

For today, I will love myself and forgive myself

I feel tired right now, pooped in fact. I could just head upstairs and crawl into bed. Dh has just returned from 48 hours at cub camp and I think I must be coming out in sympathy for him, he is the one who has minimal sleep. I have had my Mum here for the weekend and two relatively good nights sleep but boy am I tired.

When I am tired I find it so hard to fight my food urges and I always seem to think that food will help with the tiredness. Of course it does not as the types of food I go for make me even more sluggish (chocolate, cakes, biscuits, ice cream etc etc - you know where I am coming from!).

I have been reading some of my ED literature today (as I do every day) and today's 'For Today' reading is all about beginning to abstain from the craziness of compulsive overeating at any time of day being better than not at all. This really strikes a cord with me as when I am in diet head mode I just think to myself 'oh well, tomorrow is another day' and keep on binging. Whereas when I am connected to God, feeling sane and trying to be abstinent I remember that half a day of being good is better than nothing.

So it has been a strange week, it has had its ups and downs, some days I have been completely abstinent and others I have had mini-binges and eaten what I fancied and not even tired to fight. Then other days again have been a real battle to stay away from poor food choices but for today I have decided to forgive myself for this stupidity and to accept that I am trying to work this program one day at a time and that at the moment some days are not clicking.

I truly believe that in God's time this will all come right. However I am very aware of yesterday's reading which basically said 'Pray to God, but continue to row to shore'. I find that such a powerful reminder that God will help and grant me all the great things in life but I must do my bit and try very hard. At the moment I think I am at the point where I want to eat what I like and lose some weight and feel sane. Do I think this will happen - not likely!

If I beat myself up for my crazy behaviour the that does not help me at all, so Mich you are forgiven - you are a crap eater but there are many worse things you could be.

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