Tuesday 27 April 2010

Coping or masking?

I am back at work today and colleagues that know what has happened have commented that I appear to be coping really well on the outside. I have just been out for my lunch break and whilst walking round the shops it got me thinking 'How am I coping', 'Am I really coping at all?' I sort of don't feel anything at all at the moment, except resigned to the fact that there is no babe and that the next few days will be unpleasant as I either have the op or lose the baby naturally (I expect it might go this way as things have already started to progress if you know what I mean).

The first thing that struck me is that in ED they always talk about us compulsive overeaters avoiding any kind of feelings and emotions by eating to stifle them and whilst I have not been on a mega binge or anything I had been using my pregnancy as free reign to eat what I fancied, including all the foods I know have no nutritional value and are just in my diet as they sooth me!

So I sort of came to the conclusion that because I am not abstinent from eating compulsively I am probably not working this through as thoroughly as I should be. People keep telling me to grieve and I do not feel a need to at the moment - is this very hard-hearted?

I know that once the procedure is over and I stop feeling pregnant (I still have morning sickness right now) I have to focus on getting myself back on track with my eating. I allowed myself to put on half a stone whilst pregnant, so that needs to go. Until I can clear my head I do not have perspective on the things that happen in my life, I know this to be true and I trust that God will help me when the time is right for me to listen and obey.

Here I am eating a Nandos for my lunch as I feel I deserve something nice as I am also going through something unpleasant and I also bought myself a new suit for work at lunchtime. Yes it was a bargain at £20.99 in the M&S outlet clearance area but lets be honest it is just another way of me masking what should be feeling painful. (Mum you can give me your opinion on Friday).

When you think about these things logically you have to laugh at me and how strange I am. I was waiting to collect dh yesterday from his train and instead of taking some time to be, I choose to run off and clean the bathroom as I was home and it needed doing. Doing and not being yet again!

So this is where I am at right now, in a nothing place. I know things will get better and that things happen for a reason, I am just not privy to that reason right now. I am eternally grateful that this has happened after my two successful pregnancies and that it has happened now rather than at a much later stage in the pregnancy. I remain blessed with my great children, dh and wider family.
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