Wednesday, 28 April 2010

It is hitting me today

A message to those who know me, this is not a particularly cheerful post, if it will upset you do not read it but it is helping me to write things down and get them out so I will continue to post about sad stuff as well as good stuff. Fundamentally I will be fine, I am sad but all will be well so no need for you to be sad too. Mich x

I have dropped JJ to breakfast club, dh to the station and the girls off to nursery and now I have the day to myself. My op is not until tomorrow now and the way things are going (slowly) I assume I will make it in there to have the operation.

Things are sinking in today - on the way back from nursery I stopped at Asda to fill up the car and buy some sanitary pads. I think that set me off, how sad to have to buy maternity pads when there is no baby to come home. I went to buy the girls a new cup each and some tangle free shampoo for Miss E and of course this was all in the baby section so there I was looking at things for babes and realising I do not need those. I walked around Asda with a massive lump in my throat and feeling sick and thinking it is just not fair to have morning sickness and not actually be carrying a live baby anymore. Luckily I caught myself having this kind of unhelpful thought and reminded myself that grieving is fine but irrational self-pity will get me nowhere. All that was running through my mind though was 'I want my baby'. Sadly, that is not to be.

I had a good old cry on the drive home from the shops, I suppose being alone today gives me time to think and to feel free to express myself. It is hard to be sad in front of your kids or at work so this may have kept me going the last couple of days. On the drive home I drove past the hospital (probably a silly mistake) and realised I would be in there tomorrow and would again probably be very sad.

I realised I am now grieving for the loss of this baby, I had really wanted the babe and had planned out in my mind the next year or so and was looking forward to time off work and my girls starting nursery school and me being there for their half days. A glorious couple of hours to myself each day with my babe, feeding and cuddling. I don't think dh and I will actually try for another baby because as I have said before logically and financially 3 is enough for us really and I also keep wondering if I ought to give up work and be at home with the children more. Would they develop into better young children if I was here to give them more time and guidance? It is not necessarily what I want but I think it may be what God is calling me too. If only we could wave a magic wand and dh would earn £10K more but I know that as Christians we have to be willing to walk in faith and that if me giving up work is the right thing then we should trust that God will provide and do the scary thing first and watch things turn out just fine - as that is often the way it works with God.

So I am off now to hang out the washing and do some cleaning I expect I may be back later.

2pm update, just had a fish finger sandwich and feeling quite a lot better. Upstairs all cleaned, tided, beds changed and floors hoovered and now going to have an hour to myself until I pick up my gorgeous little man from school.

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