2021 – What a Year! Thank you, Jesus

Most years I write a round-up blog post of what’s gone on that year and I might look at my goals, achievements or all the fun experiences I’ve had, but this year, my end-of-year post feels quite different. It is about sharing all the growth that has happened in me during the year and as it’s a very personal post, I have decided to place it on here and resurrect this, my faith-based blog.

As a Christian, I’m not supposed to stand still and end the year the same Michelle as I was at the start of it. I’m supposed to change, grow and become more Christlike as I age and mature. Each of the last nineteen years since I gave my life to Christ I have changed and grown but some years it has been more evident than others. I think the last year has seen the most change and growth since 2013/14 and it feels amazing to know I am becoming more secure in my identity as a beloved child of God.

From Head to Heart

You often hear Christians talk of head knowledge and heart knowledge and by this they mean, that you may have learnt what the bible says and your head understands it as the truth; it’s a very logical and cognitive process, but the heart knowledge is about the relationship with Jesus. It is about the deep and personal knowledge that what the Bible says isn’t just for everyone else, but it is for you. It is intimate when it says

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.”  John 3:16 (ESV)  

It really means that God allowed Jesus to go to the cross and die for me. I mean that much to God. And I’ve known this for years, but I admit it, it has been head knowledge. However, this year, I have come to truly believe, with all my heart, that despite my fat, my unforgiveness, my being judgmental at times that He is here for me and meeting me exactly where I am at and that even if I change for the better and stop all my sin, He will love me and accept me no more than He does right now, right this very moment. I am enough.

I want to jump for joy! I have needed this learning for such a long time and it has only come about as I have allowed God to heal me, for the Holy Spirit to work in me and I have submitted to Him. A verse that has been really ministering to me the last few months is “May your unfailing love be my comfort” (Psalm 119:76) and it has been really special to finally understand that others can never give me what I need. I have to go to the source, to God and He will provide all I need.

I want to share in this post everything that has happened this year, but in truth, I can’t actually remember all of it, as there has been so much. I do know that I need to thank Caroline, Krisha and Sheila for the help they have given me to process my hurt, anger and grief about so many things that have happened in my life. These three spiritual women have each challenged and supported me and I’ll be forever grateful.

At the end of last year, I had the picture of a pineapple and I felt called to become sweeter. I took this to mean that I needed to let go of my bitterness and to be more accepting and tolerant of others. I bought a few cheap pineapple items and put them in my home and a keyring in my bag and they have acted as a subliminal reminder. Also, in February I read a book called Sensible Shoes by Sharon Garlough Brown and took an online course about hearing God more clearly, put together by my blogger friend Joanna May Chee.follow These both really fed into the start of a year of pressing into God and wanting to know Him more, on a personal and deep level.

For months and months, I spent time with God most days to just wait on Him and to see if He could help me be set free from some of the blockages I had. I hadn’t cried for a few years and I knew there was something stopping me, but I wasn’t sure what and despite asking the Holy Spirit to guide me and show me, I wasn’t getting any revelation. When I hit a massive blip in my life at the end of September with troubles with one of my daughters and my husband went off for his sabbatical from work, I wasn’t sure what to do. It was as if I had disconnected myself from the situation and could tell the story as if it had happened to someone else. I knew it was a very sad and distressing situation but I couldn’t feel it.

Kingdom Healing Retreat

Fortunately, I saw an advert on Facebook for a healing retreat at the end of November and despite it being a few hundred quid and meaning I had to disappear from family life for five days I just knew it was important that I did. And I’m so glad. The Kingdom Healing Retreat at the Greenhouse Christian Centrenofollow in Poole was led by Dr Angela Walker of THEO ministriesnofollow and I kid you not when I say it was life-changing for me.

I feel like a new person. I lived and learnt so much in those five days I was away. I bawled my eyes out like a baby and proper ugly cried and it felt so good to be set free of the demons that I didn’t even know still possessed me. Who knew that my teachers’ hurtful words when I was around 8 years old, were still torturing me forty years later? And the wonderful thing now, is that I forgive Mrs Muckle, she didn’t know what she was doing. She didn’t intend to harm me, she probably thought she might motivate me to try harder and learn more, but words hurt.

I’ve just got my (very full) notebook out from that retreat and looked at the expectations I wrote for the course and I am pleased to see every one of them was fulfilled. At the end of the course, I wanted to feel again, to be able to cry, to process my past hurts, to know how blessed I am and to know that God loves me without limits. These things are all true. I am a very lucky Michelle.

One of the things I wrote right at the beginning of the course in very big letters was ‘I invite you in Jesus’ and I think I had forgotten that fundamental principle, that God is a gentleman and He will never push Himself upon you, He wants you to invite Him in – be it to your life, the situation, the hurt or whatever.

I learnt lots of new techniques on this course and definitely went deeper into my relationship with God. The first afternoon we had free time and I headed off on my own to spend the afternoon with God crafting. I had a wonderful time being held and adored by my Heavenly Father as I created the cross collage you can see below and I felt all these positive words spoken over me. I am free. I am loved. I am enough. I have a purpose.

As I read back over my notebook there is an overriding message of dumping the fear and living in faith. It’s that old cliché, the Truth will set me free and that’s God’s truth. His word, the bible that communicates to me His overriding love for me. He commands me to keep a short account and to forgive often and keep my spiritual dwelling pure and clean. He wants me to invite His Holy Spirit into my life, and all my daily tasks and problems. This is not a weakness; this is what He has ordained as right. I have learnt I can accept comfort and I can accept help as I am worthy of it.

Knowing I’m More Precious than Rubies

It is good for me to be vulnerable and to take risks. It does not matter if I perceive that others reject me as God never will. I felt a strong sense during one of the sessions that I am ‘beloved, beautiful, His bestie and I belong’. This was very affirming as I looked at the four words and realised, they all started with Be and this reminded me of the lesson I learned back in 2006, that I am a human being and not a human doing. That what God expects from me, is to just be, just as he created me. I don’t have to do anything to earn His love.

During one of the ministry sessions, I felt these verses strongly

“She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.” Proverbs 31:25 (NLT) and “She is more precious than rubies; nothing you desire can compare with her.” Proverbs 3.:15 (NIV).

I then had a sense I was supposed to buy myself a new ring, maybe a ruby one, so that each time I looked at it I could be reminded of the Father’s love for me. We talked in the course about a ring signifying belonging and so this felt right. I have now bought myself a ring and it has a dual purpose. I went for a diamond ring, as I am more precious than rubies and the stone that is more precious is a diamond. I also got an eternity ring as this year I’ll celebrate twenty years of marriage to Adam and God has ordained us to be together for eternity, so this is the symbolism of my commitment to my marriage, however tough it may feel.

In this same session, I came to the realisation, with gentle prompting from the Holy Spirit that I had rejected myself. I had ostracised myself and made me the bad guy. Being overweight equalled not worthy. But it is a lie. I know this now. I was believing the Devils lies and allowing him to dictate my path. No more. I belong to God only and I welcome back my rejected self. I am whole again.

Prophetic writing was a skill I practiced whilst on the course and it is something I want to continue in the future as I found it an amazing way to freely hear what God was saying to me. He dictated a beautiful love letter to me, as well as instructing and encouraging me. He was also able to guide me to see pictures of my family and view them just as He sees them. That was a very special gift.

I left Poole with a stronger sense of worth. I now believe that God has a purpose for me and that He wants me to live a full life. Not limiting myself by saying no to things as I am scared I’ll fail or be too fat and make a fool of myself. He says I am beautiful and worthy and He has given me a spirit of Yes. On New Year’s Eve I was reflecting on what my word for the year ahead might be and all that kept coming to mind was ‘yes’ and I wasn’t too sure, but reading back over my notes from this retreat, numerous times I wrote that God had given me a spirit of yes and that this means bravery.

So yes God. I am here and I’m saying yes to all of it. Take me on this crazy journey of life that you have planned for me and I’ll participate and play my part. YES!

 

2009 - 2019 A decade in Photos

I kept seeing people doing the #10yearchallenge on social media, sharing a picture of themself and their immediate family in 2009 and then again for the end of the decade in 2019, and I really liked the idea of looking back and seeing what has happened in this decade. How have we aged?

I realised quite quickly though, that for me, most of my life-changing moments happened before 2009. By then I was already married (7 years), had owned three houses (since 1997) and was mum to a 6-year-old and 2-year-old twins. I was happily working part-time at the University of Herts in HR and had been there for around 5/6 years, and had completed my Masters in HR two year prior.

2009 proved to be an allusive year for a photo of the five of us, and I couldn't find any, so I'll start the photos in 2010, this one was taken in June, so it is just before the girls 3rd birthday and we were at a family wedding. It's not the best quality but you can see how young and fresh-faced dh and I look, and I love the joy on JJ's face. So funny to see him missing some teeth when he is now such a giant!

Seeing my Feisty Girl through your Eyes #R2BC

Dear Sarah,

I want to thank you, sincerely. You had me worried for half a minute but then I realised you wouldn't do anything crazy and it was just great to really be able to see my Miss M through your eyes.

I've always said to anyone who'll listen that Miss M might not be easy to parent but she'll be the one to do something world-changing when she is older as no isn't a word she's scared of. But I think, to be honest when you have a feisty child it can wear you down and it is good to have a reminder of just how special they are.

It was obvious to all from the moment you met Miss M on our holiday that you fell in love with her, not in a bad way but you were just swept off your feet by her larger than life personality and outward confidence. You kept telling me she reminded you of you as a kid and it's funny if you ask my parents, they'll tell you she is a little clone of me when I was a child. I know you found that hard to believe as I'm quite reserved now and won't get up to dance on a whim but people change and mature.

So what happens now then?

I was asked this question a couple of weeks ago and I think it is a very pertinent one and it has certainly been useful. I have found myself many times in the last few weeks pondering - what now?

The quick and simple answer is that I have no idea.  I do not know what the future holds or what I am supposed to be doing. All will be revealed in God's good timing and I must have patience to wait and see.

That is pretty frustrating though, as of course I want to make things happen, to change the world and to stop injustice. I want to jump on it and make it happen now, not tomorrow, not next month and certainly not in five years time. I see what others are doing and my actions feel inadequate but we are not supposed to compare ourselves to others, that helps no-one. We must just follow our own personal path.

I've mentioned many times that I do not like resolutions as I feel they are made to be broken but I do see the value in setting goals and having forward vision. To some extent it is difficult to set long-term goals as I truly want to be open to what God has in store for me and I don't want to be too busy off on a tangent that is not part of his plan.

The bench outside my door...

Its Friday morning about 11am and as I sit here outside my house I can feel the warm sun beating on my bare arms. The gentle warmth makes me smile with happiness and squint as I try to see the screen to type this but I don't mind, it is so pleasant being here.

In the distance I hear the crows calling to each other, far out against the fields which have been ploughed ready for the new crops. I catch glimpses of those fields if I look up and in the distance I see the beautiful vibrant yellow of the corn flowers and again it makes me smile.

Probably the most obvious noise is the water, three flutes of it whooshing up into the air and then trickling down again but it is a good noise. It is the continual flow of the living water passing through this sacred place from the lake to one fountain to another and another and eventually into the stream. The water is so calm and it is a constant in the courtyard, whenever you come out the front door you can hear it and it soothes my soul.

If I look to the left I see a heart drawn in muddy water onto the old stone walls of the prayer centre. It has been there months now, resisting being washed off my the rain and it reminds me that I'm loved. God has confidence in me and thinks that I am good enough.

With Spring fully here I see the daffodils in their containers, the daisies in the grass and all the bushes have turned amazing shades of green. As I pass some the aroma is overwhelming and you become encompassed in the garden, knowing that this courtyard is just a taste of the amazement to come when you walk through the iron gate onto the West lawn, there lies so much of the beauty, like the black walnut tree, the blossom tree, the camellias, rhododendrons and azaleas amongst others.

I glance up to the sky and feel that sun again, this time on my face and neck. The soft white clouds are barely moving, set in their backdrop of perfect blue sky and yet again I'm reminded that God loves me and He has created me to be fit for purpose. I don't need to wait I'm ready now. Hallelujah, I'm ready now!

Yes He wants me to change and for me to be even better but His love for me is not dependant on that, it really is the ultimate unconditional love. He loves me, He forgives me and He gave his only son as a sacrifice for me.Its personal, its not corporate, every relationship with God is different - special and unique.

Easter is practically here and it is so important that I take time to remember and reflect on what it means to allow your son to go to the cross because you love people so much. Thank you Father, thank you Jesus and thank you that you sent your Spirit to be with us until Jesus comes again. We are not alone, we always have you.

And I see you every day in your creation. I'm listening to the robin sing at this very moment, he sits on my neighbours roof and sings to his friends in the far off trees and the beauty of their voices is a song to heaven, they are raising their voices in worship, as I have done this week and will do again tonight.

Today my intention was to sit down and write a post about what I learnt at Spring Harvest, I didn't really want to use my notebook to prompt me as I felt that your core messages would be with me, living in me and they are. I took away two main things from Spring Harvest, the first being that right here, right now I am good enough and you love me just as I am.

The second is that it is OK to be in this season. I don't always have to be in control, in a position of respect or earning lots of money. Right now it is best time to be at home and to nurture my family and enable our good life together. You are happy for me to take time to focus on me and my wider family and to grow in my faith and understanding of you, whilst taking steps to be a better daughter who is ready and able to do your will.

Thank you Jesus, you enrich my life beyond comprehension. I'm actually not sure where I would be right now if I had not met you. You are my everything and this song at Spring Harvest really spoke to me and pushes me to try harder for you, whilst still knowing I am enough!

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Doing it for Jesus! Lent has Begun...

Well, today Lent has begun but I started my abstinence on Monday as that felt easier to get into the right mind set when I was feeling motivated and able.  I do not think God minds if I give an extra couple of days!

This year I have decided to give up all excess food, particularly anything that I turn to for comfort or release from anything I am feeling.  If you have read my blog for a while you will know that I have a real problem with food. I consider myself to be an addict and I have the disease of compulsive overeating.  Normal eaters can have a treat and then stop, people like me have no idea when to stop, the reflex just does not seem to be there and we keep going and going....  it is very sad really.

At the moment each time I feel any kind of emotion that steps away from the norm I want to eat:  happy and excited means it is time to treat myself, sad or angry then it is time to console myself. You get the picture?  When I feel these kinds of feelings what I should be doing it turning to God and praying.  Food is not the answer for me.  In the same way that drugs or drink are not the answer to many people.  I just cannot handle the excess food, it sends me into a spiral of feeling and looking fat, being unhealthy, getting down as I look bad and my clothes hardly fit and then eating to comfort and make myself feel better for a very short time before looking in the mirror or at a photo makes my unhappy again. It is a very dangerous downward spiral.

I have had this realisation for near on 2 years now that I have a problem.  I have been attending a weekly fellowship, 12 step meeting to try and get the help I need.  I have had periods of abstinence from eating compulsively but nothing sustained.  I keep focusing on the weight I have lost, which is a lovely thing to happen but the fat is just a symptom of my problems, not the actual problem itself.  It is only when I put the overeating to bed and eat to live in a healthy and moderate fashion that I will have the clarity of mind to discover what my real issues are..... and then to do something about them.  The weight loss is actually just a nice side-benefit.

So why is this time of abstinence any different to the others I have experienced over the last couple of years?  Firstly, my commitment to what foods I will stay away from this time is far wider than it ever has been before.  I have been scared before to say I will not have chocolate or such at all. I start to project and wonder how I will live my life without this drug but today I realise I just have to do this one day at a  time.  It is important to stay in the moment and not to project my worries and sabotage my own good efforts.

Secondly, this time I am not doing it for me (like I have with every past diet) or doing it for my kids (which is what the last 2 years have been about), I am doing it for Jesus.  My Saviour and the One I aspire to be like. I am very much human and being human means I am completely imperfect but I know that Jesus just wishes for me to try my very best and to pick myself up and keep on walking, one foot in front of the other.

I consider myself to be a baby Christian, I committed myself to walk with Christ back in 2002 and in many ways I have grown enormously and in others I know nothing but life is a journey and it is fun to learn and grow.  Last year was the first time I did anything for Lent and really started to understand the significance of what this time is about.  When I gave up blogging for the Lent period last year it was like my bindings had been undone, I felt so free and enjoyed the time.  It was hard at first as I my blog had become my confidant and close friend but it did not feel anywhere near as hard as this year's forsaking of comfort food will feel. Blogging was a habit of 1 year that I conquered, overeating is a habit of at least 27 years that I need to hand over to God and pray to get a handle on.

Whilst I know the next 46 days will be hard for me, there is nothing wrong with that.  Hard work is good for the soul and is nothing I am scared of. I pray this Lent will be my most faithful time yet where I reflect, ponder, pray, repent of my ill-doing, give up my comfort foods as a measure towards fasting (one day I may feel I can actually do this), take time to be with God and activley try to follow Jesus example set in the wilderness.

Wish me luck....  and if you are a person of faith, I would love a prayer!

...and what about you?  Are you doing anything for Lent?

Can't See The Wood For The Trees

That is where I have realised my life is right now. How sad is that? I always pride myself on being a glass is 'half full' person and actually I think that is just the image I want to portray and the feelings I would like to have but the reality must be that my glass is 'half empty'.

I seem to be stuck in the rut of spotting all the tiny negative things in life and not appreciating the bigger picture. The big picture is that I am a very lucky lady - I believe in a God who loves, provides and forgives, I have a fab husband who loves me and the kids, 3 healthy and energetic kids, OK paid job with excellent hours that suit my family life, wonderful family, great friends, nice house that we are on the way to owning, a garage conversion being done so we have more space, good Church yada yada yada....

What do I possibly have to get me down? Not a lot, but often I just find myself getting caught up in the small stuff. Have you ever read any of the books by Richard Carlson 'Don't sweat the small stuff'? He is excellent, his books make so much sense. I need to get my copies out and re-read them. They are the kind of positive life books that really inspire me to be grateful and to live my life to the fullest. What is it that they say - Yesterday has gone, tomorrow is unknown, today is a treasure that is why it is the called the Present!

Here is an example of the crap small stuff that I allow to drag me down. Below is a picture of my car (ignore the funny sun and shade spots in the photo). What do you see when you look at it? An OK car? dodgy pink sun screens on the back windows? rubbish parking? What ever it is, I expect it is not the same as me. I see scratches and a small dent in the drivers door that JJ did about a year ago. We do not have the money to get it fixed or to buy a new car and looking at this photo I can see that it really is not a problem anyway. I just need to get over myself.



So here I am yet again laying my flaws out in the open and baring myself. I find writing so therapeutic and sharing stuff means that it is out there and I have to deal with it. My commitment to myself is that I will not sweat the small stuff anymore, well not for today at least!

Anyone else like me? Do you allow yourself to get drawn into things that really your logic tells you there is no need to worry about but your heart/ emotions just draw you in? Bare all here and make a commitment that by putting it down on paper it will have no power over you any longer and you too will not sweat the small stuff.

Bad Medicine

I have been thinking a lot today about bad things that happen to us but turn out to have been for good. Not sure why this came to mind, perhaps because of my recent miscarriage. I am still waiting for the silver lining for that grey cloud.

I can think of a few incidents in my life where something has happened and I have been really unhappy and could not understand why it had to happened to me and then in time, perhaps days, weeks or even years I have become enlightened and understood that good had come out of the bad.

For instance when I was about 14 I was hanging about with a group of friends and having great fun but my behaviour, when I think back now was not the best and certainly was not honest and coherent with Christian values. Now do not get me wrong I was not doing anything illegal or anything too bad in the scheme of things but just silly kiddie stuff that does not make me proud nowadays. Someone that I had previously been hanging around with and still sat next to in class called my Mum and Dad and told them what I had been up to and said that I had a diary. My parents read my diary and boy did I get grounded for a long time. At the time I was so cross with that so called friend who dobbed me in (great expression hey?) I can remember being horrid to her after and probably gossiped about her at school but within a couple of years I knew that what she had done was probably the kindest and most selfless thing any real friend could do. She saved me from myself and the unhealthy path I was choosing to take. I have tried to track this friend down a couple of times in the last 10 years or so but with no luck. Shame, I would love to say thanks and sorry for any hurt I caused.

I can think of other similar instances in my life too and I am so pleased that I can recognise these bad times as a time of growth and change. Life is all about change and it is important that we embrace that change and go with it.

Some of the bad times that have led to good things are -
- being told by a primary school teacher that I would never make anything of my life as I had poor handwriting!
- a car crash
- calling off my wedding and planning to spilt with my finance (now dh)
- having bells palsy and half my face being paralysed for months
- not getting a job

...and I am sure there are loads more. Life is very much about ups and downs and it is often your attitude and approach to those changes that dictate your happiness. Many people would assume I have led a completely blessed life and that nothing bad has ever really happened but actually it might just be that I have taken after my Dad and learn to deal with things pretty well.

What about you? Have you ever thought about the down times as those where you have learnt, grown or changed direction? There is food for thought for you...

and now because I can not resist, I leave you with some Bon Jovi singing Bad Medicine.

Top 5 Moments of 2009

I have started to read more and more parenting blogs and I am really enjoying them. There are some fab writers out there disguised as Mummies. One of the blogs (http://themadhouse-themadhouse.blogspot.com/ I really wish I knew how to do one of those cool looking links with just a word!!! - maybe time for a training course at night school?) has invited other bloggers to list their top 5 moments of 2009, so here are mine -

1. Early April 2009 - Spring Harvest Christian festival at Butlins, Skegness. Dh, I and the kids all went and it was amazing. We had such a fun time together as a family and also got to spend lots of time with God and in prayer and reflection.

2. Late April 2009 - I restarted this blog once I started to go to the ED meetings. I am so pleased to have found a wonderful group of supportive people and a program which will help me through life.

3. June 2009 - Holiday to Butlins, Bognor with dh, the kids and my Mum, Dad and Brother for Mum and Dad's 40th anniversary. They had wanted to go abroad but I could not face that with 2 x one year olds and a 5 year old. This was the first holiday where there was light that the girls would sleep in a foreign environment and adapt to being away, having a different routine and being quite adaptable. It was the rest and relax that I really needed.

4. Late August 2009 - I went away for the weekend to Birmingham with a group of twin mummies. I had never met any of them before in real life, just through a twins forum that we chat on most days. It was amazing and I have made some great life friends.

5. October 2009 - I went away for a retreat to Ely with a group of friends from my old Church. I spent a lot of time alone in prayer and thought and I made a wonderful expressive collage with a daily prayer to help me give up my will to God in regards to my eating problems. What really made the weekend was coming home and spending time at the park with dh and the kids - we had such unplanned fun it was amazing!

There are so many more wonderful times in 2009 that I could write about, but I think these are my top 5.

What are yours? Have a think, I enjoyed this time of reflection.