Wednesday 23 February 2011

I want to be a Firework!

The last couple of weeks I have had a post going round and round in my head.  I keep wanting to ask you dear readers, How do I learn to love myself?  Do not get me wrong, I do not hate myself and there are no worries about me doing anything rash like self-harming but I have realised of late that I do not love and treasure myself as much as I should.  I can easily find fault with myself and when I am not performing at my optimum I am very hard on myself and seem to find it impossible to accept that my best for that day is good enough.

I am completely a woman of contrasts, I will happily tell you all that it is right to try your best and that good enough is just that but apply that logic to myself and I go deaf.

What is even more sad is that I know this, deep down I know this and am able to write it in this post but I just do not feel it.  I have wondered if I need to look in the mirror and start to tell myself that I like what I see.  I like my hair, I like the colour of my eyes.... there is a start!

I think I am a bit lost on my journey through life at the moment if I am honest.  I am not necessarily unhappy and certainly not depressed but I just get confused about what is right and what is good enough.  Many people would say that I need to give myself a break.  I am not interested in comparing myself to other people, I know I measure up on that count, it is about how I measure up to my own standards and expectations that I have a problem with.  Of course, realistically these are too high and it could be that character defect 'perfectionism' at fault here.  The great ED (Eating Disorder) workshop that I went on recently was titled Progress not Perfection and I do think that is an excellent sentiment, if only I could buy into it with my heart and whole being.

So there I was pondering this today and I sat down for 5 minutes to fold the washing and Katy Perry came onto the music channel.  She started to sing and I thought 'ohh I love this song, I had no idea it was her or that those were the words'.  What really struck me though was watching the video that goes with it.  It is truly amazing and I have now been inspired to be a firework.  What particularly struck a cord with me was the curvy young woman stripping off to her bikini and joining in with the fun at the pool party.  Life is for living and in that split second she seemed to realise that and put all her self-conscious feelings aside.

Now, if only I could follow suit and know that I am a firework and love myself enough to stop stuffing my face with unnecessary food.  I kid myself that it is a comfort or a treat but I know that deep down I eat to stay fat.  What I do not yet know is why, but one day I will find this out and for now I know that progress on this journey is enough....

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