Will I Prejudice or Protect my Children?

Just recently much of my thinking has been taken up with pondering how to deal with the issue of weight and my children. I have a very real fear that one or all of my children will be overweight and as a result of that they may be bullied, may lose faith in themselves or basically just may not reach their full potential and I find that so distressing.



This image makes me so sad.  Small kids feet should not be on scales!

Anyone who has read even a small portion of my blog before will know that I have big food related problems.  I consider myself to have an eating disorder, I am a compulsive overeater and it is as deadly as any other eating disease such as anorexia or bulimia. I know that my children being exposed to my eating problems is a problem in itself.  Yes I am fairly good at masking and hiding my issues from them but at the end of the day they see how fat I am and they see me put too much food in my mouth. I just pray they do not see how unhappy my weight makes me at times.

Never do I want my children to have to go through what I have been through due to my size and issues with food. Yes in the main I am happy, I am a blessed woman living a good life and I thank God for that but it does have to be acknowledged that every part of my life has been clouded, all the special memories I have also include memories of me being fatter than I would have liked or not finding the clothes I felt I wanted to wear. Who would dream of wearing a size 22 wedding dress after all?

I kept attempting to sort myself out and recently it has not been happening for me.  I am so aware that I need to get well and to lose weight but it is much easier said than done. I pray that one day I will have my eating under control and that I can go through a day without obsessing on food and feeling down about the way I look. The feelings of inadequacy and sadness are not what I wish for my children.

The situation I am in at the moment is that I do not know what to do for the best for my kids. On the one hand I really want to tell them about all the taunts I got at school as I was just that bit larger than the other girls, about how unhappy I was having to buy an adult size 10 bridesmaid dress when I was 12 years old, about going to the doctors for my first diet when I was 14 and about being ashamed of my body when I had my first sexual experiences.

But then I am worried that if I share what was reality for me I may just be prejudicing them. My attempts to help ensure that they do not suffer the same as I did may actually just be setting them up for the same pattern and that would be tragic.

The seemingly harmless remarks when I was a young girl that told me to lose my ‘puppy fat’ or ‘that I was pretty and just think how gorgeous I could be if I lost a bit of weight’ were actually anything but harmless. Here I am over 30 years later scared by them and still believing them every day.  I do not want my kids to think there is any condition to their being gorgeous; they are stunning and beautiful inside and out just because, not because there is a condition on them. The things that have blighted my life might not be a problem for them.

I have been troubling myself over the last few weeks wondering what to do for the best. Do I advise one of my children that they are overweight for their age and height? Do I open their eyes to the fact they are bigger than their class mates?  Do I make comments when I have to buy clothes in yet again the larger size? Would these things help to prepare and protect them?  No I don’t think so. I think they would just serve to set them up with issues for the future.

So having chatted to dh about this, what we will do is encourage lots of fun exercise as a family together, get outside often, limit the amount of treats but not stop them, keep an eye on portion sizes and stop puddings in the main and we will do this for all of us so no one person feels singled out.

As a parent I have a duty to promote a healthy lifestyle and an element of moderation, so that is what I will do.  When the kids ask for something sweet sometimes they will get a yes as I believe it is important that I do not put a ban on anything and lead them to covet it in later life.

I'd seriously love to hear from you. 

If you are overweight or have eating issues yourself, did you manage to keep your kids sane around food and if yes, how?

And if you do not have any food issues what are the unspoken rules around food in your house, the ones that a normal eater would set? This is the problem I honestly have no idea! Are your children allowed to snack between meals?  Do you have treats in the cupboard? Do they have pudding? When do you say no and how?


Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I've been for a Health MOT!

Last Thursday I went for a health MOT as part of the new ‘nudge’ initiative that I have been lucky enough to be signed up to at work. The results were pretty much as I expected, it is not as if I am blind to the fact that I am very overweight.  My BMI came out as expected at 41 and I think this was a bit shocking to the instructor, she advised me I should be looking to have a BMI of about 24 and realised that this is a big drop for me, probably about a 6 stone drop, so we agreed that I would start with a drop to 35, that in itself will be hard enough work.

What was a lovely surprise was that my cholesterol and blood sugar levels were excellent, both showed no problems at the moment and that certainly made me smile.  As a large person you are always warned of the damage you are doing to your body and I have wondered before if I am playing roulette with diabetes. I suppose truth be told I am still gambling but just coming out on top on these factors for now.

The MOT was a through one and I found out that my waist-to-hip ratio is very poor, my lung capacity is just below average and I need to improve my stretch.  My blood pressure came up with an appalling result and I will pop to the doctors and get this checked but to be honest I think it is inaccurate as previously the results have always been wrong when a small cuff is used.

I am due to go for another MOT in 3 months and I am wondering if I should just focus on this big goal. I find that weighing every week sends me a bit crazy and if the weight is down, I want to eat and celebrate and if the weight is off then I feel I can have a treat as I deserve it. I do have a very warped mind when it comes to weight loss.

The next MOT would be due to be in early September after all the summer holidays and festivities so in one way this feels like a very tough time to diet but to be honest I think the summer months are easier than the winter as generally people are less hungry in summer, so I am told.  I am not sure that has ever applied to me, but if I start to curb my eating and shrink my stomach a bit maybe it will.

My weight at the MOT wearing my clothes and trainers was 17st 9lb, which is where I was on 13th May 2012 when I started to think about weight loss again.  I did lose 3lb and I assume this has pretty much stayed off as that would have been a naked weight and trainers and clothes must weigh a couple of lbs. Anyway, today I have weighted my twins as part of their twin study (that is why I have scales at home) and I have now put them away, so I am not tempting to just jump on.

I have just started read a book by Sue Prosser called Stop dieting and Start Living and it looks good, it is written from a Christian perspective and I think that is important for me to think about getting my body fitter in the right way. I should not just be looking to be slimmer for vanity’s sake.

I had been starting to think about making a checklist for life over my last few weight loss update posts and I do think I need to carry that on.  Some of the changes that I need to make and habits I need to form are –

1.       Thinking positive about my ability to lose weight

2.       Eating mindfully, praying at the start of each day and before putting food in my mouth

3.       Drinking a glass of water before each meal

4.       Drinking more water in general (I was surprised at the MOT to find that my body is

5.       Exercising at least 3 times a week
6.    Remembering to take my vitamins each day

I have not made up my mind yet if I will be blogging about how I am doing during this 3 month journey or if I will just come back and report at the end.  The summer is an unpredictable period and I fully expect to blog less and have some breaks. So just expect to see me when you see me, I need to sort this for me and in my own way rather than fitting in with a pattern.

One day I’ll post and surprise you all and things will be going in the right direction.  I pray that will be soon, but if not I’ll keep on trying.  Perseverance can take you a long way….  Look at Thomas Edison and his thousands of attempts at getting the first incandescent lightbulb to work. He struck gold in the end and so will I!

But what about you?  How are things going?  Any super tips you want to share with me or is it just a case of just do it MIch!

'Ohh, you are expecting again?' #InnerTruth

This was the comment that greeted me today when we bumped into an old family friend. I gave my normal glib answer 'no, I'm just fat!'.  The woman felt awful and I assured her it was fine, my spilt stomach muscles do mean that I look as if I am pregnant but I'm not and I truly hope I never will be again. My family is perfectly complete.

Pleased to say, it is not this big!  I was actually pregnant there.... 31 weeks with the girls.

Last week I wrote my #InnerTruth post and said that in the next week I would focus on being positive and believing that I could lose weight. For I know that until I am positively thinking about my weight loss it won't happen. Positive thoughts feed positive actions after all. I feel that my negative beliefs have been stopping me handing my problem fully over to God and doing the foot work to ensure that things change.

I did try fairly hard to think positive but what I found was that without actually dieting, it was incredibly hard. I would think to myself, 'I can do this, I will lose weight, I am a woman who can, God is with me' etc etc and then this little thought would jump in my head that said 'so why are you not doing it Mich?'.

And that that is a good point, why am I not just doing it? Is my weight loss not that important to me?  It should be. I checked tonight and I am 238 pounds, that is 17st and 9lb and my BMI is 40.8, anything over 40 is class III obese or some call it morbidly obese.

The following factors have to be a wake up call don't they?

• People think I am pregnant (I'm not!)
• I will die prematurely because of my weight and leave my family
• I am at risk of developing diabetes (very soon)
• I hold my weight in the middle of my body, the most risky place
• One of my babies is showing a tendency to put on weight and obsess about food, it is my poor example that is the cause of this

So here are my goals for this week. I need to keep them simple to make sure I do them but they have the potential to work...

• I will exercise a minimum of 3 times this week

• I will pray first before I put anything in my mouth.  The serenity prayer will remind me to give it up to God. 

Lord, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can change,

The courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the diffference.

I am linking up with the lovely Liska at New Mum Online for #InnerTruth.  Most people seemed to achieve their goals and graduate when we were #Mumentum, so if you fancy joining us and offering some support then please do, we will happily come and see you and cheer you on as well.

Wishing you the best of weeks. Don't forget to drink lots of water, it makes a world of difference.
Mich x

#InnerTruth - No Wise Words!

Sometimes there is nothing to say, no wise words to share, you just have to get on with it and that is where I am at. As Nike would say 'Just do it...'.

I have had an enjoyable week, towards the end of it I was at a conference in Manchester and the food was superb but there was far too much of it and of course I indulged. By the second day I felt pretty sick and had indigestion as well as a sore throat and headache.  I think I have literally overdosed on food to be honest.

Hi, I'm Mich and I Have a Confession....

Sometimes you just have to open your eyes and see what is going on. 

I have a confession to make, I have let things slip. I have fallen back into old habits. I am doing nothing positive at the moment to sort out my weight problem.

And it is a problem.  Yes I posted yesterday to say I must not be defined by my fat and that still stands. 

But it is also a fact that at 5ft 4" tall and just over 17 stone I am very overweight.  My BMI (body mass index) is 41 and that makes me morbidly obese.  I have fallen into this category for some time now and that should scare me shouldn't it?  It means I have an increased risk of illness, disability and death.  Not too appealing sounding.

Is there really a cure for being a chocoholic?

I am feeling a little depressed at the moment if I am honest, I have lost something and I am not sure it is something I wanted to shed.  All my life it has been there to get me through the highs and lows and basically just to be enjoyed but something has changed.

They say be careful what you wish for because when you get your hearts desire you might not want it anymore and that is sort of the case here.  For today I am in mourning, mourning at the loss of my enjoyment of chocolate.

You have probably seen me mention Thinking Slimmer Slimpods before.  About last August I received the lose 2 dress sizes one and when I remember to listen to it consistently it helps me loads to make better decisions and I do believe it was the spur behind my exercise kick that has been started this year.  I was then offered the Chocoholic cure a while back and again I listened to it consistently for a good 6 weeks.

It was then Lent and I felt compelled to give something up that would really be a a hardship for me and I chose chocolate. I know God is on my side and he has been helping me with abstaining from chocolate but I also gave some credit to the slimpod.  I have to be honest and say that I have not really listened for the last couple of weeks, the kids and I have all been poorly and it has fallen down my list of priorities.

#InnerTruth - Mindful Eating

This Weeks Update

It has been a good week, my eating has been much better and I am pretty sure I have lost some weight.  I have not weighed, as I am trying to keep my head on an even keel and staying away from the scales helps with that. I can feel it in my clothes that some weight has gone though and next week I'll weigh and provide an update.

I am still steering clear of the chocolate and I thank God for helping me through this. I still have cravings and I see chocolate and desire it but I walk away and pray and know that it is not the answer.  I also remember what Lent is about, God gave up His only son for us and the least I can do is go without some chocolate and relate in a tiny way to the sacrifice He made.

#Mumentum - God Didn't Screw Up When He Made You!

After a weekend of mostly staying away from the computer and being kind to myself, taking time to just be, I sat there last night and wondered what on earth I was going to type for my #Mumentum post.  There is no great news to share, I have been worn out in the last week, not exercised much and eaten what I fancied. The success story is that I have still not had chocolate but I don't think that is enough to make a whole post from.

So I did what I always do when I am feeling like something is an effort, I turned the laptop off and went to bed.  One good sleep, an hours exercise and a nice shower later and I sat down and prayed, Lord what do you want me to share on the blog today?  Immediately I felt called to find a song that might convey the right words.  The tough thing there was I had no idea what the right words were, so I typed Christian Song into YouTube and after jumping around a few videos I realised I wanted to listen to a song called Our God Reigns by Delirious?.

Of course, I now realise this is where I was supposed to go and what I was supposed to listen too.  I find this song incredibly powerful, it is not particularly a comfortable song to listen to as it hightlights many of the ways that the world has fallen and broken but some words in the middle really caught me and I need to keep remembering them.

God didn't screw up when He made you,

He is a father who loves to parade you

This song reminds me to keep trying, to never give up, to lean on God and to accept and love myself for who I am right now.

Go on, have a watch.  You don't have to be a Christian, I am not trying to convert you. This is just a really interesting song with a superb message. You might be surprised to see the big audience Delirious? are playing to.  I am not sure if it is a Church or a concert.

I know this is a bit of a different post for #Mumentum but I have to post what is on my heart, as afterall this weight loss journey is for me. Thanks for reading and for your continued support.  Mich x




 

#Mumentum: Focus Shrink and Pray

 
This post will be short and sweet as I am dead tired and I need to sleep if I want to get up and exercise tomorrow morning, which I do.

The week started off as a week to shrink my stomach by eating my 3 meals a day and not snacking and also a week of remembering to pray and ask God for help when I am finding it hard.  The first part of the week was good and the weekend not so much so but I will not give up.  This is the difference I am finding at the moment, I want to keep going.  Even when things are not perfect I will not declare that it is too hard for me.  This is for the long haul and one day I will be slimmer and healthier.

Surviving Anorexia - A true Story

Some of you will read that title and will know me and instantly think 'no way' and you will be right, this isn't a post by me. This is a true post that has been written by a fellow blogger who wishes to publish her story anonymously and as I am someone with an eating disorder myself (albeit at the opposite end of the spectrum) I have an understanding and am thus proud to share her courageous and sad story.

Here you go...

I’m writing this anonymously not because I don’t want the blogging community to know who I am, but because family and friends read my blog who don’t know the real extent of my problem.

I first stopped eating when I was about 15, I don’t really know why, it just kind of happened. I was at an all girls’ school, I knew I would never be the cleverest or the prettiest, but I could be the thinnest, and thin I became. I’d either throw my packed lunch in a dustbin on the way to school or spend my lunch money on CD’s. Initially I flipped between under eating and over eating, until almost total non-eating took control. I felt good when I was hungry, like nothing could touch me. I felt almost invincible. In reality, I was far from invincible. I was a wreck. I slept under two duvets to keep warm and wore two jumpers in the day. My hair started falling out. I looked awful, but I was convinced that just losing a few more pounds would make me happy.

My parents dragged me to the doctor eventually, who to be fair, did his best, but a sullen, non-compliant massively underweight teenager was probably out of his league. Under duress I started to eat again, and my weight plummeted further to the point where I was almost hospitalised.

The next few months are a bit of a blur for me. I remember seeing a dietitian, writing down all the food I ate, revising for exams and slowly coming out of my self induced isolation. My biggest regret is that I lost a lot of friends in that period of my life. I was a self obsessed anorexic with no time in my life for anything but food. While my friends were out trying to get into nightclubs and having their first kisses I was snuggled under layers of clothes trying to keep warm. It was not a nice place to be.

My parents for some reason decided not to send me to counseling…the result of that was I eventually got back to a normal weight, but didn’t resolve my emotional issues.

My University life was turbulent with big highs and lows. It’s fair to say that alcohol and I did not mix well, especially if the alcohol was consumed on a somewhat empty stomach. My weight fluctuated up and down over these years depending on my state of mind, but there were weeks and even months when I felt quite normal. I even managed to find someone mad enough to marry me. I don’t really know when things went wrong again, it happened slowly just a few pounds here and there and before I knew it I was back in the vice like grip of my eating disorder and; When my periods stopped again I knew I had to do something, so after crying on my GP he referred my to a psychiatrist. To cut a long story short the next few years saw me in and out of therapy and counselling. I think the realisation that I might have damaged my body to the point where I couldn’t have children was the big turning point. I knew I had to sort myself out.

My husband has been amazingly patient throughout our marriage, never blaming me, but gently encouraging me to get better. I owe him so much.

Looking back now, I feel like I had a lucky escape. Things could have ended so differently. Somehow, I managed to pull myself up and out of the gloom to a place where I am happy, where thanks to medical technology (my body needed a bit of a kick start for me to conceive my first child) I have children.

I still have days where I don’t want to eat, where I feel I don’t deserve to eat. I’ve lived with my eating issues for so long they are part of me. I have to tell myself that being in control does not mean not eating at all, it means eating sensibly. One bar of chocolate does not have to turn into ten. If I‘m having a bad day, I think of my children, I think of who they want me to be, of who I want to be. I don’t want to be a shadow of a person, I want to be strong, I want to give them someone to look up to, and I want them to be proud to have me as their mum. So that is who I strive to be, each day is hard, but each day gets easier.

Thank you so much for sharing. I have read this account a few times now and every time it tugs at me. There are so many children suffering in silence. I blogged a while back about my friends little girl who was diagnosed with anorexia at 10 years old. Sadly she is in hospital at the moment, nearly two years later.

I asked the lady who wrote this story if she would consider herself fully recovered now and she said that she still has an eating disorder but mostly feels in control of it and would consider herself to be recovering. As someone with an eating disorder I have a massive fear that my children will pick up my unhealthy attitude to food and may develop problems themselves.  So I asked the writer if she had any concerns about her children. She said 'I try very hard not show any food concerns around them, we focus on food being 'healthy' or not healthy as opposed to bad for you, fattening etc. Not wanting them to pick up on anything is part of the reason why I fight to stay a healthy weight, I'd be heartbroken if any of them went down the same path as me'.

If you are suffering and would like to speak to someone who has been in your shoes then do feel free to email or DM me on twitter and I'll pass your details onto the writer.  I assure you of my confidentiality.

It is National Eating Disorder Awareness Week, there is lots of help out there if you need it. Start at the BEAT website.

Do leave some comment love please....

Thanks, Mich x

#Mumentum - Life is a Learning Curve



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I think that title sums it all up pretty well really, life is one big learning curve or perhaps for me it should be like the diagram above, nice managable steps up and then all of a sudden a sheer climb which I just cannot seem to manage and I tumble back down! I seem to get the hang of something, climb the hill and then slowly forget what I have learnt and slump back down.  That sounds a bit negative dosen't it?  But here is the good news, I don't give up.  You can call me rubber band, I'll keep pinging back and I will try, try, try again.  I do have full confidence that one day the miracle will happen with regard to my weight and health related to it.

So here is my summary of the things I have learnt in the last couple of weeks.  The things I need to remember and stick with!

1. When I miss my one session of pilates in a week I find it really hard to stay on track with anything during that week.
2. When I listen to my Thinking Slimmer slimpod, I eat less.  Simple, it works, I just have to remember to...
3. go to bed at a decent hour so I remember to play it, I feel so much better for an early night and ...
4. it allows me to get up at 6am to do my exercise, which I do really enjoy.  So no excuse Mich!
5. Then lastly, I realise that I eat so much better when I have a meal plan for the week. So here is this weeks effort -

Monday
Breakfast   2 weetabix, banana
Snack   Melba toast and philli
Lunch  Ham, cheese and salad wrap, yoghurt
Snack  Crisps
Dinner   Jacket potato with tuna and beans, sugar free jelly

Tuesday
Breakfast  Porridge, OJ
Snack   Apple
Lunch  Jacket potato with beans
Snack  Melba toast and phili
Dinner  Quorn and veg stir fry

Wednesday
Breakfast  Shreddies, Banana
Snack  Carrot sticks
Lunch  Ham & salad sub, crisps
Snack  Apple
Dinner  Spinach and ricotta tortellini and tomato sauce. Rice pudding

Thursday
Breakfast  Porridge, OJ
Snack  Melba toast and Philli
Lunch  Chicken and veg soup, with ryvita and ham
Snack  Banana
Dinner  Home made chicken nuggets and wedges, sugar free jelly

Friday
Breakfast   Beans on toast, OJ
Snack  Buttered malt loaf
Lunch Tuna salad
Snack  Cup a soup
Dinner  Chicken tikka, naan bread, sag aloo and salad

Saturday & Sunday  I have no idea yet if I am honest.  I have the lovely @Seasiderclare coming to stay Friday night so who knows what we will do/ eat on the Saturday and then Sunday will probably be something good to make up for the day before!

Does anyone have any good snacks they can share with me please?  I need something filling, ideally low GI and not too many calories.

If you have read this and are on a similar journey, don't forget to link up with Liska (click on the #Mumentum badge) and for the first time I'm linking up with Mrs M too for Meal Planning Monday.
Stay well, Mich x

           

 

Are you scared to share? Don't be, the shame can be crippling...



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At least a couple of times on this blog I have published a blog post titled 'I'm not just fat, I have a problem', this was one of my favourite posts to write, as I felt like I was breaking down some sort of wall that had been built around eating disorders.  I am really encouraged to see how much people are talking about PND and depression in general nowadays and I pray that one day people will break the silence and speak about their issues with food/ eating disorder/ food addiction - call it what you will.

So if I say eating disorder to you, what do you think?  What are the first things that come to mind?  Is it incredibly skinny young girls with their bones sticking out? Anorexia? Or perhaps it is Bulimia and the thought of people making themselves sick?  Yes those seem to be the instant thoughts that the words eating disorder conjure up.

However, Anorexia and bulimia are not the only eating disorders.  There is another which is just as serious but in a different way and that is the eating disorder I suffer from, the one of compulsive overeating. Some people fail to recognise that as a problem, some people would just say I am fat, lazy, greedy or even dumb. However if you change the words to disordered eating I think then pretty much everyone would agree that both binge eating or picking the whole day long are not what our bodies were designed to do.  That kind of eating is against the natural order of things and that is why some of us get very fat and unhappy to boot!

So why do those of us who have an eating disorder do what we do? There is no easy answer to this, if there was we would all get help and be cured.  Nothing quite so simple available sadly.  It seems to be generally agreed that those with an eating disorder seek to control through their food.  This could be because we feel out of control in other areas of our lives. Where the anorexic will go without food from their body, or just eat small portions in a certain order, the bulimic will stuff their face and then perhaps make themselves sick, use laxatives or excessively exercise to control their body from gaining weight. Whereas the compulsive overeater or binge eater will stuff their face.  Literally stuff their face, it is not a nice thing. 

Please do not ever think that those of us who eat too much really enjoy it.  Those flippant comments from healthy friends 'ohh I wish I could eat like you do'.  Really?  I seriously doubt it. For fleeting moments we may get a buzz or high as we look at the food, plan what we will do and start to eat.  But do we taste and savour it?  Probably not in the main, we are too focused on whatever it is that is driving us to eat. That could be feeling angry, unhappy, out of control, anxious, depressed or on the flip side even elated and excited.  Any emotion away from the norm can drive a person with an eating disorder to act-out. Believe me it does not take much with my warped mind.  I have a headache, know my instant answer?  Eat chocolate, totally illogical isn't it?

The week commencing 20th February is UK Eating Disorders Awareness Week and I would love to see some people speak out and break the silence. The amount of emails and DM's I have had in reponse to being open about my eating disorder is fabulous, but imagine the collective voice we have if we speak out.

We do not have to be ashamed that we have or had an eating disorder. Statistics show that about 1.6 million people in the UK suffer from an eating disorder.  See, you are not alone, there are lots of us and at all different levels of our addiction. But please know that you can gain so much by being honest with yourself and exploring this more. Go to Beating Eating Disorders  and take a look around, see if anything resonates with you.

There is some superb help out there and you do not have to start at your local doctors if you really do not want to.  You can refer yourself to many addiction or eating disorders clinics, google your local area and make that phone call.  Or what about Overeaters Anonymous?  Have you heard of them? They are amazing and you don't even have to have 1p to be able to access the support and help that is available through them.

Just been tweeted a link from Emma's blog.  She has had the courage to speak up and has opened a linky for anyone else who is posting on this subject.  Take a look at LLM Calling.

I'll leave you with a few simple questions.  Go ahead and ask yourself them -
Do you worry you have lost Control over how much you eat?
Do you believe yourself to be Fat when others say you are too thin?
Would you say that Food dominates your life?
Do you ever make yourself Sick because you feel uncomfortably full?
Do you eat when you are not hungry?
Do you have feeling of guilt and remorse after overeating?
Do you eat to escape from worries or troubles?
Does your eating behaviour make you or others unhappy?

If you are nodding or recognising yourself in some of these questions then please do seek help.  Make a phonecall, speak to a friend or a doctor.  Just do something, please for you might just have a problem.

and if you read this and want to chat to me, then do get in touch (mummyfromtheheart@virginmedia.com or @MichelleTwinMum) and I'll happily chat. I'll never break your confidence you can be sure of that. 

God Bless, Mich x

#Mumentum gang, I hope you do not mind me linking this up.  I am not at all suggesting any of you have eating disorders.  I was wondering what I woud write about this week as I had not felt inspired about anything and then when another lovely blogger reminded me about eating disorder awareness week I knew this was what I needed to write.

Monday #Mumentum - Stretching out my Hand



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Review of the Week

This last week has been an interesting one.  It is the first week since I started my journey towards the new healthy me that I have not been to Pilates.  The logic was that at £14 a lesson I should perhaps go fortnightly as it is a lot of money, but I have really missed it and what I have learnt is that my one Pilates lesson keeps my whole week focused.  So I won't be making the mistake of missing any more. I have been much better with my food this week, I did not manage to stick to my food plan exactly but my eating has been much better and I have been really aware of what I have put in my mouth, which is a good thing.

I weighed myself this morning and the scales told me 17st 4lb, putting me back on track. I have had a 5lb loss in January, nothing major but certainly heading in the right direction, and moving down one notch on my belt was confirmation of that and gave me a smile on my face.

I have done my exercise DVD a few times and I have been good at going to bed, even indulging in one 9pm night, which for me is nothing short of a miracle.

On Thursday I had  a super chat with Sandra from Thinking Slimmer and she reassured me that my eating habits were generally just learned behaviour rather than being linked to emotional trauma, so hopefully they should be fairly easy to break with the right programming.  I am awaiting the arrival of the chocoholics slimpod and am looking forward to listening to that and feeling the effect that many others have felt - that I just do not want to eat chocolate any longer.  Wow, how freeing that will be!

Short Term Goal
Sandra reminded me that goals are really important and to make sure they are short-term as the mind likes to focus on quick wins. So my goal for the next 2 weeks, which will take me up to 20th February is to drop another belt notch. I'll keep you posted...

Daily Motivational Email
A couple of weeks ago a new blogger, Keeley, read my Mumentum post and pointed me in the direction of Crosswalk, a Christian website that emails daily or weekly devotions on many areas of life.  One of those is dieting and as a Christian I have found it really useful to be reminded each day of the Christian perspective on my struggle with food. Let me share one of the emails I received this week that really spoke to me.

Psalm 46:1

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble."

My grandmother had a favourite picture that showed Jesus stretching out His hand to Peter while they were walking on the sea. It gave my grandmother great comfort to know that if she ever failed in her faith, Christ would stretch out His loving hand to lift her up. Whenever she dieted, she kept that picture close at hand. When the diet got too hard for her to cope with, she looked at her picture and felt God present with her. When we attempt to sacrifice anything, it is good for us to admit that we will have a hard time doing it on our own. When we stretch forth our hand to God, He will always reach back.

Today's thought: When my diet gets toughest, God will be closest.
 
How reassuring is that? I need to remember that each time things feel tough and yes that is at least once a day if not more.  This cutting down and being healthy lark is far from easy.
 
How has your week been? Do share how you are managing to stay on track, I'd love to hear any tips.
 

 
Don't forget to link up with Liska at New Mum Online for Mums losing their Mum tums!

Monday #Mumentum - A Meal Plan Might Help?



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It got to the end of the week and I was wondering what I would be posting about today.  There was no way that I was not going to do a #Mumentum post but I had nothing really to report.  Things are much the same, my exercise is great, my sleeping is good and I am being and feeling positive but my food is still rubbish. So instead of dwelling on the past I will look forward.

I read the serenity prayer this morning and I yet again realised how applicable this simple but powerful prayer is for me.  Do you know it?

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Now I have got the acceptance bit down to pat but as for the courage to change the things I can, not so much so.  This is the one I need to work on this week.  I can change my eating, I have done it before and I WILL do it again - this week in fact.

It's about more than just weight loss... #Mumentum

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Last week I posted about my new exercise regime and I am pleased to say that things are still going well.  I am doing my walking DVD and I also went to Pilates on Thursday and yes I ached again for a couple of days.

I was chatting to my instructor and he said that if he could give me one tip this week it would be to eat my carbs at lunchtime and then to have a meal full of protein and green veg for dinner.  This really struck home with me, as when I lost lots of weight in 2006 that was exactly what I did, cut back on the carbs.  I know I need to take heed and make some changes to my food.  An eating plan has not really been at the top of my list in the last couple of weeks.  Hence I won't be reporting any weight loss again this week but that is OK.  I realised I am in this race and it is a marathon and not a sprint.

I am getting a new Thinking Slimmer slimpod, the Chocoholics Cure in the next few days and that I expect to make a really good difference.  I know the value of listening to my slimpod but I do feel ready for a new one to add a bit of variety.

I have also been reading a new book the last week or so.  It is by Joyce Meyer who is a prominent US preacher and I have watched many of her sermons before and I like her style of teaching.  I am finding this book very good.  It basically says it has 12 keys to enjoying a healthy life, the title is 'Look Great. Feel Great' and that is certainly my mission. I have only read the first 3 chapters so far but my appetite is whetted and I am ready to read more.

In the first Chapter she advises that we allow God to do the heavy lifting and reminds me that I cannot deal with my weight problem/ food addiction alone.  My eating fellowship taught me the same thing and sadly I have not been remembering that on a daily basis.  The task I had to complete from this chapter was to write myself an affirmation to say each morning to remind myself that I am not alone and that I am worth it.  I'll share it with you -

Dear Lord,


I thank You that You love me and care about every aspect of my life. Please strengthen me Lord to do Your will and to be able to be the best person I can be in Christ. I know that when I turn to You and ask for something in Jesus name that You listen. Help me Lord, to remember to turn to You. When my willpower is wavering and I am tempted, remind me Lord that You are waiting and You wish to help. How beautiful it is to remember that You will never give me a burden too heavy for me to bear. When times feel tough I need to turn to You God as my Lord and master and not to food as my false idol.

Thank you for making me free through the truth of Your word and for empowering me with Your power, strength and wisdom. Help me to be all that You want me to be.

In Jesus’ name, Amen.

So that is me for this week, all in all not too bad!

Exercise                                                     tick
Early nights                                                tick
Loving myself                                            tick
Reading healthy & helpful literature       tick
Balanced eating                                         to work on...
How are you doing?  If you are on a weight loss journey then link your post up with Liska at New Mum Online for #Mumentum.
 
Mich x
 

Fat and Proud? #Mumentum

Should I accept my size?
Last Wednesday evening whilst dh was out at a meeting I watched a program on Living, it was entitled Fat and Proud and was all about larger people being happy with who they are and the size they are.  I turned the program on out of sheer nosiness and at first was greeted with some super-plus size ladies (around the size 30 mark) and a special club night they went to for larger ladies and the men who fancy them. This was what I expected from the program.

What I did not expect from the program was to be greeted with some seemingly respectable people talking about the work they do to try and get society to accept that there are larger people and that we are not all lazy slobs. 'Size acceptance' they called it and one lady also talked of fat phobias and it is true, much of society has negative biased opinions already formed about people who are fat.  In honesty I have never had that much of a problem with this, my issue has always been with self-acceptance. I do not like fat on me, I do not want to be mega skinny, but I want to look good in clothes, feel nice, be healthy and active and have a great sex life.

What this program did get me thinking about was whether God intends that I should accept myself rather than keep trying to change me.  My automatic assumption has always been that God wishes for me to be slimmer and to be healthy and fit for whatever purpose he has in mind for me. I believe He forgives me for my sins of overeating but that his desire is for me to be free of this burden.  Now I am wondering how I should be free, is it free due to acceptance of myself or free by losing weight. or even a combination of the two. Having pondered on this all week I think that a combination of losing some weight to be healthier and then learning to love and accept myself, flabby bits and all is probably where I should be heading.

Also on Wednesday last week during my day at work, one of my colleagues was talking to me and she basically said she was not sure why I worried.  I can not recall her exact words but I think the sentiment was that I was fine the way I was and that I just needed to accept myself adding weight to my thoughts that I have some work to do on self-loving and acceptance.

So how has this week been?
It has been a good week in all.  I have not been perfectly good with my food and that is OK but the best thing is that I have not beat myself up about this.  I am aiming for 3 meals a day with a maximum of 2 healthy snacks. Sometimes I have eaten outside of this and that is OK as this is something I need to sustain for life.  No fads this time or regimes I can't keep to.

My weight this morning was 17st 5lb and that is a 4lb loss and I am very pleased with that.

Welcome to the world of Exercise
I have enjoyed exercising this week, it has not felt like a hardship.  Isn't that a turn up for the books?  I did my Leslie Sansom walking DVD on Tues and Weds and then by Thurs I had to have a break as my muscles had been awakened.  Saturday I went for my first Pilate's session and again I am feeling that.  I had no idea I had any muscles at my middle.  I am then genuinely looking forward to doing my walking DVD again tomorrow morning.  Getting up at 6am on a weekday to exercise before the kids awake is working perfectly.

So I am in a good place. Today God delivered me the most perfect gift.  I have spent the whole day not wanting food.  I did not have any cravings and I was able to say no to muffins at Church and snacks when the kids had them. Thank you Lord that are are walking with me and holding my hand.

How are you all doing #Mumentum friends?

Hop on over to Liska's and join up with the other #Mumentum participants.

2012, The Start of a New Beginning #Mumentum

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2012, a brand new year and a great time to make changes. Not to make resolutions you understand, they are too easily broken but to make changes that will stay with me forever, sensible ones that are long overdue.

I am feeling good at the start of this new year, any worries I had about being depressed have been blown out the water by a couple of weeks at home with my family. Downtime and a lack of pressure have had a marked positive impact on me. It has finally dawned on me that in 2013 I will be 40 and that at 40 I should be fit and healthy. If I do not take control of my eating by then I may never and that is too scary to comprehend.

I have some superb goals to aim towards with regard to sorting my weight out. At the end of June this year I will speak at BritMums live and whilst I am a confident person, a trainer even by profession. The thought of this is a bit scary and that is a good thing as I always do well when I am apprehensive. I have vision of me in a dress standing there confident and feeling great.

Then in August 2013 both dh and I will turn 40 and I am hoping that my lovely parents will come and look after our kids for a week so dh and I can concentrate on a wonderful week alone as a couple. I just need to imagine how great this alone time will be if I am slimmer and feeling good about myself – watch out dh, you may find you are married to a 40 year old hottie (oh, you have to poke fun at yourself don’t you?).

So what changes am I making? Simple ones, the kind that I can keep up and that will stay with me:

• I want to eat 3 balanced meals a day and if I feel the need to snack in between they need to be simple and healthy at about 100 calories max.

• I will keep to around 1200 – 1500 calories per day. So nothing too drastic but enough of a cut that the weight will start to move.

• I want to cut down on the amount of carbs I eat. It does not feel right for me to follow the Dukan or Aitkens diets as I want a way of eating that I can establish for life but I have seen before that when I eat less carbs and have more protein and veg I see better results and feel a lot more energy.

• A superb friend that shaped up a couple of years ago has lent me a walking exercise DVD by Leslie Sanson and it looks really good. I am actually interested to start using it. I have bought my stretch band to use too.

• I will listen to my Thinking Slimmer slimpod each night as I know that when I do that my thought processes change and I want to eat better.

• I will pray and hand my problems over to God. I have to believe that my weight is a big enough issue that He cares about it and will help me.

• I need to go to bed at a decent time most nights.  The more tired I am the harder I find it to lose weight, so the obvious thing is to make me a priority and get enough sleep.

In 2012 I do not want to follow any fads or drop a large amount of weight in next to no time. I want to do this right and be able to sustain it. Today I weight 17st 9lb and am a size 22/24, then by BritMums Live I want to be a neat size 18 and whatever weight that brings. I suspect it will be a drop of around 4 stone. So 56lbs to lose in 25 weeks that is roughly averaging 2lb a week, which I know is realistic and healthy.

Rock on Mich…… and good luck to anyone else joining me on this #Mumentum or should I say gargantuan journey! I’ll be posting each Monday and keeping you abreast of my progress.

Come on, who is with me?  There must be quite a few of us trying to start shifting the pounds or getting fit.  I am hoping the lovely Liska will be keeping the #Mumentum linky going in 2012. 

Just to keep reminding myself of the need for this. It is the awful starting pictures again. Ohh delightful - every lump and bump is shown in these.  My idea is I will get photographed in the same outfit ongoing so I can see the success.

16 is the Magic Number! #Mumentum

Another week and here I am again, no slimmer I am afraid but I will be taking full opportunity to post every week about my battle with my weight!  There is a lot of be said for being disciplined.

An article caught my eye this week on my homepage, about Ruth Jones (girlfriend of James Cordon) and her weight loss journey.  In the online article I read it said she had lost 4.5 stones and gone down to a size 16, I see the Daily Mail says a size 12, whatever, she looks fabulous and I would love to emulate her success.  Some weight loss stories I look at and they do nothing for me but looking at Ruth I feel motivated and how did she do it? The age old method of taking in less calories than those she was losing. As we say at my eating disorders group, simple really.  Not easy but simple!


Image Credit

Image Credit

Looking at the most recent picture of Ruth made me think about being a  size 16 and I was trying to recall the last time I was that size. 1998 was probably it, I had slimmed down from a size 20 and remained at a 16 for about a year, then like always the weight crept back on. In the hope of reminding me that I look good and healthy at a size 16 I have dug out some old photos.  They are not the best quality as they are all photos of photos but hopefully they will do something towards motivating me.

Look at those curves and toned arms.....  if only!

Practically no tummy, my first LBD. Age 19

Size 14 in this one. Unheard of to be that flat under my bust!

I recall feeling so good in this size 16 dress

1998

So whilst I have not actually lost any weight this week I will look for the good and say that I am pleased to have recognised that I need to stay focused on the goal. The overridding goal is that I want to be a size 16 next year when I speak at Britmums.

I need to keep my eyes to heaven and not on the nitty gritty of everyday life.  If I allow the detail to get in the way of the big plan then I will never succeed.  Life is full of ups and downs and I have to take them as they come, deal as best I can with them and keep on going......  Thank you Jesus for walking with me!

I am linking this post up with Liska's #Mumentum.

Monday #Mumentum & @Slimavite Update

A couple of weeks back I told you how nice my nails were and I even got a tweet from @NewMumOnline telling me how good I looked when she saw me at a blogger event. So if I tell you that this week I broke four of my nails and now my hands look pretty scruffy, would that give you a clue as to the kind of week I have had?

Today is one of those days where I'd like to hide and not report in but what good would that do? I could pretend the week had gone well and that I was still on track but that does not help me at all and it just makes me a liar.  On the other hand I could completely beat myself up and get all mardy that I have had a pretty awful week and again that does me no good. So I need to be sensible and take the middle road.

It has been a bad week.  I have felt completely hormonal and very, very hungry.  Some of this I think is down to the time of the month, some of it may be going to bed too late and therefore not having enough energy to resist when my emotions tell me it is time to eat.

Rarely this week have I had my @Slimavite milkshakes instead of a meal. I have allowed myself to go with the flow and to eat whatever I fancied.  There have been at least two days that have been bingeful and I have seriously overeaten.

The good news, it has stopped.  I cannot go on like this, if I do I will not meet any of my goals that I set a couple of weeks ago and that would be a real let-down. Yesterday I planned all my meals for the week and went shopping, so we are fully stocked with good healthy foods and I have my shakes.

I pray for a better week.......  please Lord. I am willing to do whatever is needed of me.  I want to be rid of this weight that causes me so much misery and stifles my life.

This weeks update -
Weight 1 Sept 2011 17st 13lb
Weight at start of Slimavite diet (26 October 2011) 17st 10lb (yes the weight I lost in Sept went back on again!)
Weight Sunday 6th November 17st 5lb
Weight Sunday 13th November 17st 2lb
Weight Sunday 20th November 17st 4lb

Total Loss since starting to use Slimavite shakes 6lb (yes sadly it has been a gain this week)



Disclosure: I have been provided with the Slimavite shake powder free of charge and I am required to blog a weekly update. I am not instructed what to write and I remain honest.

Doing #Mumentum the @Slimavite Way!

I expect you all know by now that I have an real issue with food and have been seeking to try and sort this out for years now.  26 years to be precise!  That's a long time isn't it?  I recall going on my first diet aged 12 years old and it has never stopped since then.  One word - exhausting!  The mental exhaustion of carrying this weighty burden (ha ha see what I did there) is massive.

Nearly 2 weeks back I started to use @Slimavite shakes for 2 meals a day and to be honest for the first week or so I had good days but then I also had bad days.  I always find you have to be in the right place mentally to diet and to have enough mental energy to try and sort your food out.  Otherwise I can just get busy and find myself eating something before I even realise it is in my mouth. Planning is key for me.

Last week was much better, I felt motivated to stick with my shakes and for the whole week (bar 1 day) I used the meal replacement shakes for 1 or 2 meals a day. Normally breakfast and lunch.  I have to say it has been a good week. I do not find it particularly hard to have a shake instead of a meal.  I make sure I have a big glass of water first to line my stomach and slightly fill me up and then I drink my shake.  As I mentioned before they are nice and frothy and filling.  After a shake I do not feel the need to reach out for any food due to hunger, of course wanting to eat on my emotions is quite another thing.

Not content with just using the shakes to help me lose weight I am trying to adopt a holistic approach to 'Operation New Michelle' and I am also following the 12 step approach which I have learnt in my eating disorders group over the last couple of years and listening to my Thinking Slimmer slimpod each night. I think all these things combined have meant a good week for me.

So I won't leave you hanging any longer, how have I done?

Weight 1 Sept 2011                                  17st 13lb
Weight at start of Slimavite diet                  17st 10lb (yes the weight I lost in Sept went back on again!)
Weight Sunday 6th November                   17st 5lb

5lb loss, which I am pleased about as my food was anything but perfect.  Much better but not perfect and yesterday I had a lovely event and to be honest the chocolate cake there was very good!

As well as my 5lb loss the really exciting news was that since the beginning of September I have lost 1.5" off my waist and 3.5" off my hips, 1" off my bust and 0.5" off each thigh.  So the exercise that I have restarted must be paying off.

Something I have also done in the last week if define some goal for myself in terms of what I wish to achieve with this weight loss and those will help to keep me focused -

1. Wear a lovely Wallis top I got in August 2010 and have only ever worn once.  It would be fab for all the Christmas do's I have coming up. Only 4 weeks to shift a good stone to be able to do this!
2. Be able to wear my engagement ring again (currently it is too tight)
3. Feel really comfortable when I speak at Brit Mums Live in June 2012. That is 7 months away and how amazing would it be if I can be down to a size 16/18 by then.  I am currently pushing a 24.

So that is where I am right now.  I'll post again next week with my weekly Operation new Michelle update!

I'll leave you with some gruesome pics of me at my starting point.

So fellow weight loss pals, how are you all doing right now?