How to Prepare the Perfect Proposal

 

Image Credit: Pixabay

{This is a collaborative post}

Becoming engaged to your partner is one of life’s most precious moments. So, if you’re planning to propose, it’s vital that you make it extra-special. However, for many hopeful brides and grooms-to-be, planning the perfect proposal brings with it a lot of pressure. You may be worried that the proposal will go wrong, or even worse, that your partner may say no. These concerns are perfectly normal, and run through the minds of anyone who is hoping to get engaged. However, there are many ways you can prepare for your proposal to ensure it goes perfectly to plan. Here are some tips to get you started:

 

Make Sure You Have Discussed Your Future

Making a proposal a surprise can make it extra-special. But the thought of being together forever shouldn’t be a completely new idea to your potential fiancée. Before you pop the question, it’s essential to discuss your future together, to ensure you both want the same things out of life, and are ready to commit to a marriage. Making sure that you share the same hopes and dreams for your relationship, and are committed to building a life together before you propose will reduce the chances of confusion and upset further down the line.

 

Select an Engagement Ring

No proposal is complete without a beautiful ring, but it’s important to put plenty of thought into choosing an engagement ring. This is a piece of jewellery that you’ll want your new fiancée to wear forever, and acts as a symbol of your love, so choosing the perfect ring really matters. 

It’s helpful to look at websites such as Rare Carat Online engagement rings seller, so that you have a wide choice of rings to choose from. When browsing for engagement rings, think carefully about the style of ring your partner would love, and consider the colour and style of her current jewellery collection. This will make it easier to select an engagement ring that she will really love.

Choose a Meaningful Location

Choosing a location for the proposal that means something to both of you brings as extra-special touch to the moment. This could be a favourite place that you both love to visit, the place where you first met, the location of your first date, or a romantic location, such as a beautiful beach.

 

Keep it Quiet

Proposals always carry an air of secrecy. After all, you don’t want your future fiancée to find out before the big moment as it will spoil the surprise. So, while you’re busy planning the proposal, it’s advisable to limit how many people you tell. The less people that know, the less chance there is of the bog moment being ruined by someone letting your plans slip. 

 

Final Thoughts

Proposing to your partner is a once in a lifetime moment. So, taking time to carefully plan this significant moment in your lives is a must. With a beautiful ring and romantic location organised, your proposal is set to be a magical occasion.

 

Exploring New Things with Your Partner

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{This is a collaborative post}

Trying new things with your partner is key to a happy and long-lasting relationship. No matter how much you love someone, your feelings can fade over time if you don't work on your relationship together. A healthy relationship will always undergo change as people change over the years that they're together. The trick is to change with your partner, as this will create a stronger bond.

One of the best things you can do to change with your partner is to experience new things together. A lot of couples will try things together in the early stages of their relationship but will slow down as the years go by. This leads to the relationship becoming stale and uninteresting and can make people fall out of love over time.

Exploring new things together doesn't have to mean something like a strap-on vibrator, but instead, anything that both you and your partner are interested in. This could be travelling to a new country or something as simple as trying a new restaurant. Together, you and your partner will create new memories together, which is essential for building a stronger bond. 

Learning New Things

One of the best things about trying something new with your partner is that you both get to learn. Not only will you be learning to do something new, but you'll also be learning more about each other and yourselves. Learning new things together enriches relationships because it allows you to be vulnerable with your partner and vice versa.

When you're learning a new task, neither side is an expert. Therefore mistakes and failures are inevitable. This gives you and your partner a chance to offer encouragement and also helps cooperation. When you and your partner do this together, you'll foster closer ties and feel happier with one another.

Learning new things could include taking a cooking or art class or even picking up a new sport together. There are loads of opportunities out there and plenty of different things for everyone. If you and your partner struggle to agree on something you'd both enjoy, you can come up with a compromise to each try something the other suggests. Who knows, you may even surprise yourself. 

Supporting your Friend through their Divorce

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{This is a collaborative post}

Whilst the number of heterosexual couples getting a divorce in 2019 may have dropped by over 10,000 from the year before, 90,871 (Source: ONS) is still an incredibly large number of people choosing to end their marriage.  As such you are bound to have friends going through this difficult period. Even if your friend is the one who instigated the divorce and was fully fed-up in their marriage, it can still be a very tough time for them and it's good to be able to offer support and let them know you are there for them.

Here are a few ideas of how to support your good friend thought their divorce -

Be available to listen

Your friend many have loads of unresolved issues and hurts that they need to get off their chest, so it is good if you are just able to be there for them and listen. You don't have to provide answers, or platitudes, just show you are interested and offer a big hug as necessary.

Don't judge or place blame

Even listening to your friend talk for hours, you may never know exactly what went on it their marriage, so make sure that you do not judge or apportion blame. No-one wants to hear that they should have listened to you and left their spouse years ago, nor that you saw this coming. Avoid bad-mouthing their ex too, as they may just get back with them again in the future and then where will you be?

10 Top Tips for Dating when you're Divorced

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{This is a collaborative post}

I have to be honest I am well out of the game when it comes to dating; it is like another world now, as the last time I dated was in 1994 and that's quite some years ago! However, just because I'm not dating (I don't think my husband would approve), doesn't mean that many of you aren't. I know from my local friends that there are many people my age who are now in the second stage of life and divorced dating. So I thought it was high time that I chatted to a few of those friends and put together some tips for anyone who is now dating after a divorce.

1. Take it slowly at first
Even if your divorce comes as the end to the worst marriage on the planet there is still bound to be a sense of loss tied up in the relief, and as such it is important to allow yourself some time to breath, and even grieve before you dash straight back into full-on dating. Make sure you have some quiet time focusing on you and thinking about how you want your next relationship to look. What is important to you, and how can you be a better partner next time?

2.  Decide what you're looking for
I don't mean draw up a massive list of what this partner of your dreams must look like or do. Just have a good think about what is important to you. We are all different and it doesn't matter if your friend Sally will only date a man with his own home, or a full head of hair. What are your non-negotiables? Mine would be, that he'd have to be kind and good around my kids.

Speaking the Language of Love

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{This is a collaborative post}

Is there such a thing as the language of love? I suspect many people would assume it is all about perfect chemistry and romance - roses, the colour red, candle-lit dinners and hot bubble baths run for you by your beloved, but I believe it is different for every person.

A few years back I read the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and in more recent years, I've read some of his spin-off books as well and they're excellent. I definitely buy into his thinking that there are five different ways of receiving and giving love. This applies to any kind of love too, romantic, friendly, parental, platonic.

Even the best of matchmakers probably couldn't tell at first glance if you're love language compatible with your partner, but dig a bit further and the good news is that we can all give and receive in all the love languages.

Chapman suggestions that the five love languages are -

1. Physical Touch - this is probably the easiest to understand. It is about all expressions of physical touch, both sexual and non-sexual. So an encouraging shoulder squeeze could be enough to motivate a teenage lad who has this as his primary love language.
2. Acts of service - this is my number one. I really feel loved when people do things for me, especially when it is unexpected and I haven't had to ask them. So my husband stacking and emptying the dishwasher so I come down to a tidy kitchen in the morning is a big turn-on for me.
   

6 Signs Your Marriage May Need Help

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{Collaborative post}

Although it's devastating to admit, sometimes a marriage doesn't always last. A divorce is one of the hardest things you may have to go through but for the sake of you and your family, it's important that you do what you feel is the right thing. If you're sitting there wondering if your marriage is coming to an end and you're just not sure, here are six things to look out for -

1.  You No Longer Have Anything in Common

If you now find that you no longer have anything in common and your personalities have changed since you first fell in love, it may be that you're no longer a perfect match like you used to be. Whilst having the same hobbies and interests isn't essential in a marriage, for some it can be the glue that holds them together. The best thing to do is sit down and discuss how you move forward from here. Have a think about how you can compromise and get involved in each other’s interests.

2.  You Feel as Though You Can Do No Right

 Another common reason for a lot of marriages coming to an end is that either one or both of you feel as though you can do no right. Sometimes a marriage can get to a point where neither of you is making the other happy and no matter what you do, you feel as though everything you're doing is making it worse. Whilst this is a horrible stage to get to, it's important you've recognising it. For a guide to identifying if something is fundamentally wrong in your marriage, you can visit this site here.

36 Hours in London with my Hubby - A Big Reason to be Cheerful

How are you today friends? I hope the week has been treating you kindly. It’s been quite a good one here and I’m looking forward to a chilled and uneventful weekend.

The basis of this weeks Reasons to be Cheerful post was my overnight stay in London with my hubby last weekend. We only had 36 hours up there but it was enough to tire me out, as well as provide a fabulous time.

We headed up on the Friday morning once the kids were off to school and started the day with a wander of Borough Market, with coffee and cake at Southwark cathedral. It’s so nice to be able to chat without interruptions, and I really needed a break from hearing ‘Mum’!

I asked him to marry me with a sweetie!

I have been with my husband for a long time, we got together on 28th December 1994, he rescued me from a wet and windy pier and a horrid creepy guy.  He was my hero! OK scrub that, he still is my hero.

I've been feeling a bit nostalgic recently and was thinking back over our eventful relationship together. In 1999 my husband asked me to marry him when we were on holiday in Tenerife, I said yes,  I had been waiting quite a while for that proposal.  It was very romantic - late at night and we were sat at the waters edge looking at a beautiful electric storm out at sea.  He asked me if I could see where the sea met the sky and I replied no. He told me he loved me that much, further than we could ever see. It may sound corny to you but that was possibly one of the most lovely, unprompted things he has ever said to me.  He is not much of a talker you see.

Reinstating our Date Nights with Pistachio and Orange Crusted Lamb #MiniRoast

Date night in Hastings earlier this year

My husband and I have been married for fourteen years now but together for twenty-two and with three tween and teenage kids it can be hard to find the space to make time for us to just be a couple. 

Sometimes (no idea why) we seem to be better at this than others. If I'm honest we have not been great at carving out time for ourselves in recent months, we've stolen moments after dinner to chat or had the odd cinema night but we've not had a really good long chat for some time. I think the last time might have been the beginning of May when we went for some food and then had a long walk along the seafront in Hastings and visited the new pier. I do love those times when we have no agenda and we just wonder and chat about whatever is on our hearts at that point.

I've realised that I do need to be more intentional again and make sure we are having the opportunity to have those special times together. One of the barriers is how often we are in the house on an evening together. At the moment this is only a Wednesday and Saturday and I have to admit that I love a full family Saturday night with snacky food and trashy TV, so that just leaves Wednesdays but a week night isn't always ideal after dh has been at work all day and the kids have homework. I'll have to be a big girl and give up my trashy Saturday night TV every once in a while as well as making time on a Wednesday.

What is Love?

I suspect many of you reading this think I have gone a little bonkers and are wondering why a half-eaten pack of ready pancakes could possibly suggest love but they do.

One of my eight-year-olds had a pancake or two for her breakfast before I got up and instead of leaving them open on the side to go hard, she got a bag out the drawer and covered them up. She cared enough to emulate me and to tidy away and make sure they were still good for the next person who fancied one.

That person was my son, four years older than my daughters but did he put the pack back in the bag to keep them fresh?  Of course not, it didn’t even occur to him, he just left them on the side and the crumbs everywhere, confident in the knowledge that Mum would do it.

So back to the original question – what is love?  Well for me love is often an action. It is something that a person chooses to do, it isn’t always a feeling. That day love was about making an effort and going out of her way to make things better for the next person. That kind of love took thought and effort and it pleased me immensely.

I’ve often wondered about love as an action, especially in marriage. You hear so often nowadays of people getting divorced because they do not ‘feel’ in love anymore and personally I think that you have to put hard work into marriageand choose to love each other. Of course, there are times when you are bubbling over with love but equally I’ve found in the last twenty-odd years that there are times when I do not have those feeling so much.

I recall a while back speaking to some older friends who had fostered children for years about how it must be difficult to deal with some children and how do you show them love, so they can feel secure? They assured me that if you treated them the same as your own child and you carried on as if you loved them the child would feel the love and gain the reassurance and security they needed. ou didn’t always have to actually love them, just ‘act as if’.

Then this morning at church we were again exploring the book of Ephesians and one of our pastors was talking about how God loves us and dwells in us and this got me thinking about love as an action and I realised that there are two ways to love someone. There is the all-encompassing unconditional way that God loves us and I love my children and there is also the love that we make an effort to show, the love as an action. Like making a cup of coffee for my husband even when he has been a grouch all day or helping my girls to tidy their rooms even when they have been back chatting.

So it is OK that sometimes I don’t feel an overwhelming love for everyone in my life, I can choose not to be led by my feelings and make an intentional decision to act out love.

How do you make your husband feel loved and valued?

Over the last month or so I’ve been reading a great book on marriage, it is both instructional and autobiographical and it has reminded me how important my marriage is and perhaps how my eye has gone off the ball. All is well but I just know it could be better, if you asked my husband if he felt really loved and appreciated, would he say ‘yes, for sure’. I think perhaps not, so this means I have some work to do.

Now if you are a non-Christian reading this you might be thinking ‘well that is all a bit one-sided Michelle, you both have to work at it and surely he should be putting in the effort too’ and of course you are right, marriage involves two partners and we both have roles to play but as a Christian, I believe that actually there are three parts to my marriage and the third one is God.  By changing my attitudes and actions in prayer and consultation with God I know that my husband will see and hear those changes in a far more tangible and real way than if I was to sit him down for a deep and meaningful chat.

Love is an action after all, we choose to love someone. The flutters in your stomach and the hearts and romantic notion of love does not last a lifetime unless you work at it and nurture that kind of love. So even when you are not feeling it, it is so important that you are taking actions to show it and actually what I’ve found to be true is that the feeling then comes back again.

Last week I asked my husband to take the 5 Love languages profile so I could find out what it is that speaks love to him. Gary Chapman is a very well-known author nowadays and his work on the love languages has changed thousands of relationships for the better. I’ve been with my husband twenty years but the second to highest love language it showed for him was a complete surprise to me, I’m looking forward to our dinner tonight to discuss this more.

It is so important to find out how your partner receives love, personally, I like to do practical tasks and it is an act of love when I polish shoes, change the bed or iron all his shirts. This is not at all how my husband receives love and without understanding that I could feel quite taken for granted. Any time we can invest in our marriage is so important, a few years back my husband and I attended a marriage course run by the local church. This was not a course for those in trouble but for those (at any stage of their marriage) to strengthen it. It was truly wonderful - dinner cooked for us and then a romantic table for two with drinks and desserts and prompter questions to explore our thoughts, feelings and life together.  I’d love to do another one of these as I think you both change with time and especially as we have both matured as Christians in the last eight years or so since we did it.

As I’m wanting to honour my husband and to express my love for him I thought I’d ask a group of Christian women what they do to make their husband feel special, just the small actions that make a difference to him and their marriage. Here are some of the ideas they shared with me -

• I do things that I know will make him feel loved (namely, make him a coffee and buy/make him small pressies) - reading the book Love languages was really positive for our marriage as it showed us how we were communicating love differently. (The Fairy and the Frog)
• For me, it's keeping the house tidy (or trying to!!) as that's what helps him relax!
• Some times are harder than others. Family life can be a challenge, particularly the often complexities of raising a family. Keep talking, through good and not so good times, reminding him, as he will hopefully remind you that your marriage is important.and for life.
• We have set a night a week as a devotions night together - we read a passage, discuss it and pray through it together along with whatever else is on our minds. We found that by prioritising time with each other but also with God that our relationship was closer and out of that closeness with God we actually had some amazing evenings together.
• I always greet him properly with a kiss, eye contact and comment when I see him. He addresses me before the kids when he gets home. I send him love texts and or bible verses every day by text. He sends me links to articles he thinks would interest me. We try to have a date night each week, though lately, it's a home a lot. We try to hug and hold hands and have physical contact in the business of the day. We pray or read the bible together.
• I feel a bit embarrassed saying this but making the effort to initiate sex makes a big difference to him! And booking a babysitter to take him out!
• Use the time on Snooze to turn to face your partner, cuddle, chat or whatever. Also the ten second kiss to show you care, my husband teased me by counting with his fingers and claiming longer or saying I had forgot to kiss him long enough!
• A big thing is saying thank you to each other. 
• We have started to sit down on a Wednesday night with the calendar and work out who is where when for the next week!
• I just started the 5 love languages (for her) bible reading plan on the You Version bible phone app and it's already helped me and my attitude after 2 days! Would recommend it (they do a for him one too).
• Put a nice song on whilst the kids are around and have a slow dance with your hubby and let the kids join in too. Our daughter loves it and comes up for a dance in between us sometimes. Also it reinforces our relationship in front of her.
• Date night & read The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie OMartian, very insightful. (Lizzie at LizzieSomerset)
• Show him you respect him. Very important.
• I'm loving doing the Love Dare book right now, a bible verse, addressing an attitude and then a daily dare to invest in your marriage,
• We have a night away every 3 months or so. 
• I heard something awesome this weekend. A woman was telling my friend about a marriage course called 'respect and love'. I don't know anything about it, but as she explained it my jaw dropped. She said men need to love their wives, then the wives can respect their husbands and women need to respect their husbands, making it easier for the husbands to love their wives.  Made me happy and think about my marriage in a new way.
• I think it's realising what your hubby needs. For me notes, pressies and slushy texts are all what I like and make me feel loved but definitely not what makes him feel loved, he doesn't get it! Also my Hubby needs me to sit next to him and do nothing, my constant tidying, cleaning and planning make him stressed.
• Supporting him in all things. I have the joy (not) of being secretary of his RC club even though I actually hate them but Alan enjoys them and loves his club so I will support him where I can. (Sara at Walking with Angels)
• Not putting him down in front of other people. (Filipa at Gourmet Mum)
• Making sure I thank him regularly for working hard. It's easy to forget as it's not as 'visible' as me looking after the kids or cleaning the house but his job facilitates me being able to do those things and he sacrifices being at home with us more for that.(Jess at Catch a Single Thought)
• We did Mark Gunghor's Laugh your way to a better Marriage course at church and I think you can watch clips on Youtube, it is very helpful and humorous. It has helped us understand how men think differently than women, Anyway, he described men as thinking of one thing at a time ie , cars, TV, work, kids and that's it, whereas women tend to compartmentalise things kids, job, shopping etc but they are all interconnected and she can think about several topics at a time.
• Prayer emails from the Unveiled Wife and the 5 day Valentines challenge from Time Warp Wife were suggested too
• To look directly into each others eyes for four minutes (set a timer!) without talking. We did it for the first time yesterday, it was so powerful, bringing me to tears and repentance

Woah, that is an awful lot of good information there and I suspect it might be too much to take in on one sitting but I just didn't want to leave anything out. So bookmark this page and come back again. In fact come back once a year, each year of your marriage and take on board a few new ideas each time.  That is how we ensure we have a healthy and fresh marriage.

Wishing you a very happy valentines day, I hope you enjoy the time with your spouse. Mich x

The Sanctity of Christian Marriage

This post is part of the Choosing Him Blog Tour which I am delighted to be a part of along with 
nearly 100 other inspiring Christian bloggers. 

Over the last month or so I've been reading a new book by Juana Mikels. Choosing Him All Over Again is a wonderful book that every Christian woman should read. Read it as a single lady to gain some great advice and guidance on the pitfalls of a worldly approach to marriage or read it as a married Christian woman and find inspiration and direction in how to be a godly wife. 

I love this book so much as Juana's story is very real with lots of poor decisions and selfish actions but as you read it you grow with Juana and learn from her mistakes. She writes with such feeling and honesty that you feel as if it is a close friend telling you her story and parts will make you well up with emotion as you journey with Juana and see her faith mature.

One of the main selling points for me is that Juana goes back to the word again and again. This book is not Juana's take on a godly marriage. It is God's and is grounded in the truth. I haven't quite finished the book as yet as I am savouring every part but it is my time in the blog tour to post and as such I want to share with you some of the wonderful wisdom I have gained from Juana.

I've been married to my husband Adam for 12 years now and we have been together for 20. If I'm honest I don't think we started in the best place as neither of us were Christians when we met and I certainly bought a lot of past relationship baggage with me but what I have discovered is that with some work our marriage can be even better. God only wants the best for us and marriage is his most precious human relationship and it is His intention that every one of us should discover the joy of a godly marriage.

Juana starts her book by laying out two biblical principles that have been themes in her life -

the first principle is “man’s part is to trust, and God’s part is to work.” and the second principle is to receive everything in your life as if it has come directly from God’s hand.

Such great reminders for me and I have already found myself putting Juana's wisdom into action many times in the past weeks, both in my marriage and in other parts of my life. Within her book she has various prayers and a contract which she encourages the reader to take and make their own and use in their life. I have done just that and was particularly struck with the contract that Juana drew up with God declaring that she was dead to self and all her sins and possessions were no longer hers. She had given them up for a full and abundant life with Jesus and fulfilment of the desires of her heart.

This got me thinking, what are the desires of my heart? To honour God and carry out His work, to nurture children who know the Father and remain with Him and like Juana, to have a full and meaningful relationship with my husband. Nothing too complex there really but lots of work to be done to achieve in each of those areas, but that is OK, there is nothing wrong with hard work and the rewards will be great.

I could be here all day waxing lyrical about this book as it is having a big impact on me, but actually what you need to do is go out and buy a copy for yourself, so to close I'll leave you with some of Juana's wisdom gems -

• Comparison is the path to discontentment. We all walk a different path and as such our only measure should be Jesus.
• It is unrealistic to search after a love that is continual, unfading romance.
• If I let Him God will use my marriage as a way to help me fully know Him.
• The devil wants us to focus on the idol of self or any other idol to be honest and therefore we must keep going back to Jesus and His word.
• In this age of technology we are all spending too much time in a room with our spouse but not actually being with them. TV, PC's, tablets, phones and the like have stolen our ability to communicate and demonstrate that our spouse is our priority.
• It is a big mistake to spend all those months absorbed in every detail of planning the wedding to then only find you never actually thought about the marriage. A wedding is one day and your marriage is for life.
• In the book Juana revisits her marriage vows and realises she has taken them lightly and is walking away from me. This inspired me to look up my marriage vows and remember what I committed to Adam. I need to be accountable to God 
• Read 1 Corinthians 13 (especially if you had it read at your wedding, like I did) and remember how Paul describes love. Can I honestly say I am all those things to Adam? or like Juana was, am I more concerned with being loved than being loving and with being heard than listening to Adam.  That really is food for thought to me.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails" 1 Chorinthians 13:4-7

Thanks so much for reading, I hope I have inspired you to go and check our Juana's book, it really is an awesome read and I've given you just a tiny glimpse of what is contained within in.

Be blessed, Mich x

If you want to get your hands on your very own copy of this book (hardback or Kindle version) , you can order it from Amazon in the UK HERE or the USA HERE or buy it at your local bookstore! There is also a fabulous FREE downloadable companion Choosing Him Bible Study Guide to download from HERE!  

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History lost - Black and white project

This is probably my favourite black and white photo that I have taken since I got my new camera at the end of last year.  This was taken at the end of January this year after meeting the lovely Anya in Eastbourne. We'd had coffee and a great chin wag and then I walked back to my car in the rain and enjoyed looking at the stormy sky and the pier for a while, before the departure back to real life and the school pick-up.

Eastbourne pier means a lot to me, it holds a very special place in my heart as it is where dh and I shared our first kiss. Back in December 1994 I worked as a trainee manager for Friendly hotels and my placement was at their head office in London. As the office would be close for Christmas I was shipped off to the hotel in Eastbourne to work the season as trainee managers were not allowed Christmas off. It is funny to look back now, as I remember crying about having to go to Eastbourne, my thoughts at the time were that it would be an awful place full of old people.

The first person I met when I walked into the Mansion hotel was my dh to be. I didn't think much of him if I'm honest, he was the assistant manager and he had heard about me before I arrived from other trainee manager friends of mine. We obviously worked together for a while and got to know each other a bit and I remember one particular night when we both drunk our body weight in red wine and fell asleep in the public lounge but it was not until 28th December 1994 that we actually got together. In fact until that night I had no idea I had any interest in him. 

After finishing work a group of us were heading to the nightclub on the pier (Odyssey I think it was called back then) and it was a rainy and windy night. Being a 21 year old girl I wanted to look my best so I had my umbrella to protect my hairdo and dh warned me to take it down on the pier as it was too windy. Not to be deterred we started to walk towards the club and the wind combined with a wet wood floor meant that I landed on my bum and he picked me up.

Later that night in the club a creepy guy was trying to dance with me and again dh rescued me and we danced and kissed. There followed some interesting and stormy years getting to know each other and forging a relationship.  In 2002, after 8 years together we finally felt ready to be married and here we are three children and nearly 20 years after first meeting.

A few days ago when I was on holiday I was super sad to hear that part of Eastbourne Pier has burned down. We now live about 15 miles from Eastbourne and visit fairly regularly and it still holds really special memories for me, I pray it gets rebuilt and history restored.

Here is a picture taken by my husband yesterday where you can see the first part of the pier (closest to the beach) and all that is left is the iron structure, it used to be a white wooden cuildng iek the others on the pier.

I'm linking up with Charly over at PODcast for her Black & White project

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What do I do to make him feel loved?

I was over at Veriily Victoria Vocalises the other day reading a crowd sourced post that Vic had written called 'The Things we do for love'. It was about the great things that partners and husbands do for some female bloggers and these things ranged from morning cups of tea to buying a diamond a year.

I started to wonder what my husband did for me and before I could get too far in my thought process I caught myself and turned the question around. What do I do for my husband? What are the little things that let him know that I love him? That he is my one and only?

It would have been far too easy to get caught up with the green eyed monster and to start to feel gloomy that he does not buy me a diamond a year and yes, I do have a real penchant for diamonds. Before kids he bought me lots of them, after kids not so much so. Or I could have felt disgruntled that he does not rub my feet or buy me flowers every week but then I have to stop and ask myself do I want those things?  No being the answer, they are not the love gestures that would make a difference for me.

So back to the question I posed for myself, what do I do to make him feel loved? and you know what I'm struggling with this.  Firstly I'm struggling as after twenty years I'm not that sure what it is that makes him feel loved.  Recently I did the free online love languages test and it showed that the ways I feel love most are physical touch and then words of affirmation and quality time in equal measure. It is funny as I had assumed that the things that might talk love to me were dh giving me gifts or perhaps when he is helpful around the house but as I read my profile I really recognised myself and knew it was true. I've therefore realised that I need to get my husband to do this test so that I can find out exactly what ways I need to show him my love.

Most things I do, I do with a smile because I love my family. I like to keep a nice house, I try to cook vegetarian meals my husband will like when no-one else in the family is veggie, I arrange date nights so we can go out together and I make sure we function as a family with lots of fun time out together. I'd like to tell you I tell him I love him regularly or that I grab him for impromptu hugs but actually I've slipped on those fronts in recent times and I have to pray that gifts is not his primary love language as I rarely buy him anything as he is that guy that wants nothing.

So thinking this through and writing this post has really bought to my attention that I need to mend my ways and take more time and care to show my husband just how much he means to me. I got told recently that if you want a good friend you need to be a good friend first and this has to surely be the same in your relationship too.

It is time for me to stop taking my relationship for granted and to start upping my game. I think we need a date night this week and I better find out what he wants from me.

Come on ladies, share with me, what do you do for your partner? I need some ideas to get me going.....

Thanks, Mich x

How to have a strong Christian marriage

Yesterday I posted how to have a good marriage and as promised here is the second instalment, this time focusing on what makes a strong Christian marriage. We established yesterday that every marriage is different and that we all have our own requirements of our spouse but there were some reoccurring themes like strong communication, tolerance and hard work. 

The same come out again as important factors for a good Christian marriage but there are also some traits that did not come up at all in conversation with my secular friends. Prayer, you can understand being omitted but I wonder why encouragement and trust did not get mentioned? It just goes to show what an enormous subject this is.  Sadly for anyone about to get married I can't tell you there is any secret that will ensure all goes well for you.  Just read as much as you can and I'd highly recommend attending a marriage preparation course or speaking to some mature Christians.

I thought it might be fun to throw in a male perspective so I asked my dh what his advice or tips were in regards to marriage and he pondered for an age and then told me he was a man of few words and apparently that is what made us have a successful marriage!  Hmm I think he was insinuating that I do the talking for us both and luckily that make us both chuckle and thus he gives the first tip for a good marriage, make sure you can laugh together and not take things too seriously.

He did then grow more serious and started to reel off a number of factors, such as partnership, acting as one, watching each other’s backs, trust and communication (both listening and speaking).  Also not expecting everything to be done the way you want it or in your time frame (I think that was a hint for me to lighten up), being able to have difficult conversations and discuss sensitive situations and looking to encourage each other. He then said as you develop your understanding of each other and your partner’s insecurities, you need to be there to support them in their weaker areas.

Then he finished by saying it was important to look for ways to keep it fresh and not allow your marriage to get monotonous. Make sure you have things to look forward to as well as shared hopes, dreams and visions; being on the same track, travelling in the same direction. I have to say I felt he summed it all up pretty well and I was surprised to get so much from him. 

As well as dh, I some excellent advise to share with you from a number of Christian bloggers -

3 Children and It – I think it's about constantly putting your spouse first and for me, that means before children....I know that is controversial for some but I truly believe kids are happiest when their parents love and respect one another....and they are willing to show it!

Johnson Babies – I think an understanding of 'forever' should exist before marriage. I think tolerance is the most important gift, before and after you have found love. Acceptance, compromise, and forgiveness follow closely after. They all appear as simple words, until exercised.

Diana Quartey – I see tolerance as accepting someone who is different from you, and loving them. Not so much having feelings of love with all the goose pimples and stuff, but working towards the 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 kind of love.

Secrets of the Sandpit – Vital ingredients include trust and respect, lifting each other up not pushing each other down and keeping short accounts - sorting out issues as soon as you can. Love is a choice you make every day, not a feeling that comes and goes. Love is being responsible for your own character, but the other person's needs - not the other way round. Love is equality - you must love and respect yourself in order to have something of value to give the other person.

Gourmet Mum – Speak kindly and try not to shout. Make the effort you did when you were first together, and try to get once a week just to have fun together (even if money is tight see this as a priority as it's investing in your marriage) even if it's a dinner at home with no TV & phones.

Emily Davies – I think the best advice I was given was on the topic of communication/conflict resolution: never use the phrases "you never..." or "you always" when facing a disagreement. It forces me to bite my tongue and slow down/ focus on the real issue. Always forgive, accept that you can't change them (remember it's not your responsibility to), never go to bed on an argument, hug often. Work towards solutions rather than 'being right' and holding grudges. Pick your battles. You being right is not the most important thing

The road outside - For me, what makes our marriage work is a general acceptance of each other - good and bad - and an understanding that we are married for life, full stop! I do think that 'being ready' to be permanently joined to another person is the key - and that's not to do with age, it's to do with knowing who you are. On a lighter note, I still flirt with my husband every day, still run to greet him when he comes home, still laugh at his jokes and listen to his stories.

Everyone else is normal – Lashings of repentance (I'm sorry) and forgiveness (that's OK), making time for yourselves regularly, and time to talk about what's really going on in your heart/world and having no Plan B!

Clarinas contemplations – Communication, communication, communication... Not holding grudges or leaving things unsaid... Take time to talk! Make time to ask each other honest questions and listen to the answers. Hold short accounts and don't go to bed angry with each other. Get things resolved that evening! Most of all, have fun together. Do things together and enjoy each others company. And pray. Pray for him and for your marriage every day!

I'll leave you on that important thought for a successful Christian marriage - pray.  Pray alone, pray together - just pray!  I have found the Stormie O'Martian book 'The Power of a Praying Wife' to be an amazing resource that really helped me get into the habit of praying for my husband. A chapter day took me about 20 minutes and I genuinely felt my love for him grow as I focused my attention on praying for him and his needs, even when he was annoying at times.  Yes, can you believe it? He can be annoying, but then so can I!

If you have any more nuggets of wisdom, then do feel free to add them to the comments. I hope you have found this post useful.

Mich x

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What makes a good marriage?

At the end of December, I posted some photos showing my husband and I through our nineteen-year relationship. I didn’t really share any words, except to mention that life is very different now to how we ever imagined but that we are happy with that.

One of the comments on that post said they would love to hear my views on what makes a successful marriage and I thought why not, it is something I am very passionate about. Last summer I wrote a post titled ‘No one said it would be easy’ and I outlined in that what a strong and lasting marriage is for me –

“I didn't go into my marriage thinking that every day would be a dream, nor that I would always feel 'in love' with my husband every day. I fully realise that a good marriage is about hard work, compromise, upset, difficult decisions and angst as well as the flip side of joy, delight, companionship, support, respect and contentment.”

I also said that I realised my version of a good marriage is not what most people want to hear, they want to know that marriage is filled with passion and exuberant times and of course, it is not at all doom and gloom. Getting married is one of the best things I have ever done, it turned my world upside down and led me into opportunities and new choices that I never knew were possible. For me, it is extra special as it was marrying that led my husband and I to become Christians and to find a way to live life differently.

While I was musing what it is that makes a good marriage I put the question out to some blogger friends, both Christians and those not overtly of any faith. It seems that people like to share on this subject and I ended up with a whole wealth of useful information and perspectives. 

In fact I ended up with so much that I need to split this into two posts, so this first instalment will be what makes a good marriage and then tomorrow I’ll post what makes a good Christian marriage and it will be interesting to see if perspectives differ.

For now I'll hand you over to some prominent bloggers, who share their advice for a successful marriage -

The American Resident - I think never taking the marriage, the partnership, the friendship or each other as individuals for granted is the key. When we start to do that we start to get unhappy and stressed and have to slow down, make time for each other and get back on track. 

DorkyMum - Never ever stop communicating, but be aware that you may have different ways of doing that.

Being Mrs C - Making time for each other without children, date nights make such a difference.

Thinly Spread - Knowing when to shut up. Space for each other's individual stuff - it's a partnership not joined at the hip. Realistic expectations - that mad bit has to mellow or life would grind (!) to a halt. At the end of the day I like him, he makes me laugh, I would rather spend time with him than anyone else.

Pink Oddy – Always stop to look at things from their perspective.

Mari’s World – My husband is also my best friend, there is a mutual respect between us and a desire to make the other happy. Also when we disagree we never harbour the grudge. On the whole try to go to bed with a discussion solved, an apology made and ready to start a new day

Little Lilypad blog - BE SILLY… don’t take yourself too seriously. Laughing always makes everything else easier. 

Kiddy Charts - Don't over analyse what your man says to you - by and large men are simple creatures, and usually what they say is exactly what they mean, unlike us ladies!  

Cambridge Mummy - Go into marriage expecting it to be work - it's not easy, it's not simple, it's hard work and is something that always has to be worked at. There's no coasting. There's no easy option. And I know that this sounds really negative, but I believe that after nearly 10 years together, we are only just starting to scratch the surface of making it work. And as hard as I find it - and I do find it hard, being a grown up and being married - I don't regret it one bit. It's the best thing I ever did.  

Actually Mummy - Tolerance, not expecting romance and passion.  In fact she wrote a fab post on this very subject here.

Boo, Roo and Tigger too - Understanding what is important to either one of you. I love to tell Mr Boo all about my day as soon as he gets home as I've missed my best friend, whilst I know he may have had a long busy day he lets me chat away knowing that once I have told him everything I will relax and unwind for the evening. 

The Crazy kitchen - My mum once said to me "Helen, you just have to learn to live with it" ...referring to the annoying things that both my husband & dad do...she's been married for 48 years so I suppose it works..

Keynko - An understanding that normal life is not a Hollywood romance, it is dull and difficult - but always strive to reach a happy ending.

Mums The Word - My advice would be to try and see the positives in each other. Yes, it bugs me that my Husband doesn't put his washing in the basket and he's practically allergic to washing up, but he's very kind and does everything he can to make me and Sausage happy, which is so much more important than the small, stupid things. 

I think we have some real gems in there. Of course, every marriage is different and my stance would be to establish with your partner what is important to you both, as long as fundamentally you both like each other and you go into your marriage knowing who you are and who they are with realistic expectations then you should be able to make it work but it will take work, never ever expect it to be an easy ride!

Thanks so much to everyone for their input, tomorrow I'll post the next instalment with all the advice shared by my Christian blogger friends.

Have a blessed week, Mich x

Marriage - No one said it would be easy

I've been thinking about marriage a lot just recently.  Not really my marriage but just the concept of biblical marriage and how society's views towards it have changed. It really saddens me to see so many people rush into marriage and assume it will be so easy and when it is not they bail out. A few weeks ago I was flicking through the Sunday papers at my parents-in-law and on the front page of one was a story about Denise Van Outen and how 'the spark had gone from her marriage' and thus divorce was to be the outcome.

I have no idea what goes on behind closed doors so maybe something really awful has happened in this relationship but the paper said they had spent so much time apart pursuing their entertainment careers that they fell out of love and grew apart. Gosh, that is so sad. How can the pursuit of fame and money be more important than your marriage?

When my parents were growing up back in the 1960's the known norm was to seek a spouse of the opposite sex and get married and that marriage would be for life. I like that - a lot. Nowadays people do whatever they fancy and I expect many reading this would say hooray, thank goodness for that. Not so for me, as a Christian marriage is a really important decision, one to be cherished and nurtured. Here is what the bible says -

Hebrews 13:4 Let marriage be held in honour among all

Genesis 2:24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife

Ephesians 5:22-33 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the Church

I didn't go into my marriage thinking that every day would be a dream, nor that I would always feel 'in love' with my husband every day. I fully realise that a good marriage is about hard work, compromise, upset, difficult decisions and angst as well as the flip side of joy, delight, companionship, support, respect and contentment.

I'm sure my vision of marriage does not fill some people with the desire to run out and do it, they want to read about passion, excitement, heady heights and amazing moments but those things just last a few weeks, months or if you are super lucky years. I'm in this for the long haul - til death us do part.

And if you are married then I hope you are too. Your marriage is really important and it must be cherished. If things feel hard and you are pondering separating or divorcing then please talk to each other. Try harder, see if you can work it out, seek external help. Explore every avenue, be really honest with each other and forgive if you need to. Don't hold onto those past hurts because they help no-one.

In short please don't give up on marriage. Join me in the forever club.

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