Finally on the Path to being Fit and Free

I’ve been seeking fitness and freedom for quite some years now. Back at the beginning of 2015, I started to use the hashtag #FitandFree because that was my aim for the year. I thought I was finally going to conquer my weight demons and manage to lose lots of weight, however, it didn’t happen and yet again I became demotivated and remained unhappy in my body.

A 35 Year Journey

My issues with my weight started when I was about 13, or that was when I became aware that I had a problem that I felt needed solving. I remember going to the doctor for help and he told me to write a food diary and then halve it. That was the start of a very painful and prolonged journey of self-hate for the last 35 years. I look back now and I wasn’t even particularly big, yes, a little bigger than some classmates, but absolutely fine.

By the time I left secondary school, I had lost some weight (through attending Weight Watchers classes with my mum) and I was around a size 12/14 I thought I looked amazing and I felt amazing but soon some weight went back on and the first suit I bought at age 16 was a size 16. By the time I headed to University at 18, I was a size 18 and I can remember that I thought that was the most humongous and gross size there ever was, I even cut the labels out of my clothes as I was so ashamed and didn’t want my new friends to know. Little did I know what was to come.

How I'd love those 18-year-old curves again

Even at university when I should have been focusing on studying and enjoying my life as a young adult I can remember going to various weight lossfollowclubs to try and shift some weight, so I could feel ‘normal’, the same as everyone else. Counting calories, recording food, drinking grapefruit juice before I ate, stepping on the scales, checking out food plan points – it was like an obsession.

By age 21 I was down to a size 16 when I met my now-husband and between then and getting married at age 28, I headed upwards to a size 20/22. When you are young you think you have years ahead to ‘sort yourself out’ and I recall weight loss being fairly easy. Cut back and restrict calories and then I could drop 1/2 stone in a week. I look back now and wonder why I never carried through and got to a healthy weight, but I was carrying so much emotional baggage and every time it threatened to resurface, I’d eat and stuff it back down and that sense of shame would grow a little stronger.

Food – my False Idol

The rejection I felt as a child carried through and was reinforced by new situations that life threw at me and I had no resilience and no idea of how to deal with my emotions or these situations. So I ate, as food always comforted me, it never let me down and it was a wonderful smokescreen to stop me from looking too in-depth at where things were going wrong.

I can’t reveal too much as so much of what happened to me isn’t just my story and thus I can’t break confidence but I am so glad I found Jesus. That is what has saved me. Having a personal and loving relationship with God is what makes a difference in my everyday life. It is what sustains me and keeps me going. Reading that, you’d be forgiven for thinking that I have lost several stones of weight and that I am now considered a healthy weight, but no, alas I am still morbidly obese.

On my wedding day in my size 22 dress

However, I don’t have to be at my target weight (I don’t actually have a target weight) to be saved, to find success in my journey. Jesus has redeemed me and I have learnt to accept (moving the knowledge from my head to my heart) that He adores me and He won’t love me anymore when I am eight stone lighter. He also wouldn’t love me any less if I got eight stone heavier.

In the two decades that I have known Jesus and accepted Him as the Lord and Saviour of my life, He has been working on me and I have had a desire to work for Him. I had no clear picture of what that meant, but He has been revealing snippets to me as the years have gone past. When our family moved to East Sussex in the summer of 2013 I had a clear understanding that God wanted me to slow down and just be for a bitfollow. I heard the phrase ‘fit for purpose’ and I believe that it was from God. For quite some years I took that phrase to mean that I needed to lose weight to address health issues and then He could use me. I berated myself each time a diet failed or I got demotivated and stopped going to the gym. Since living here I have started Slimming World around five times and been a member of different gyms on at least six occasions. I’ve also attended a fitness club and tried to do the Couch to 5K. I’m not being a defeatist when I say that all of these attempts failed.

Only God can Work a Miracle

Why did they fail? I think, probably, because I was trying to win in my own steed. A few years back I realised I needed to submit my food and more importantly my fears to God, so He could work on me to help me. But then I continued to battle and kept taking back all the things I had left at the foot of the cross and I made them all my problem again. Fearful that I’d be hungry, fearful of the saggy skin I thought I’d be left with, fearful of intimacy issues, fearful of missing out and fearful of the opportunities that may come my way if I was slimmer and healthier and able to do anything I pleased as my body could take the strain.

“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

Isaiah 40:31

But fear can not enter where there is faith. So, I’ve been working on my relationship with Jesus and developing that faith. I’m very proud of the hard work I have put into this process. The determination and dedication I have shown to becoming a better person, to healing my emotional issues and to being available for God has been immense. It hasn’t always been easy but I am so happy to have been through the fiery furnace and to now see my character more in line with Jesus. Of course, there is work still to be done, we’re never quite the finished project but I feel as if I have made leaps and bounds forward and that is thanks to God.

Handing over my Fears & Relying on Him

So, now, at last, I feel able to be brave and to hand any final fears over to God as I exercise my faith and start to cut back on what I eat. I don’t need to overindulgence and overcompensate for unhappiness elsewhere in my life, I am ready to fully submit and to change; to be who Christ truly wants me to be.

I am very much looking forward to starting my new job in March at least 3kg lighter and then going on holiday in October with my family and being 25kg down. That means losing 2.5Kg each month for the next 10 months, which is about 5lb a month so hopefully attainable.

Earlier today I was thinking about hope, as well as faith and being reminded that I don’t have to despair of this weight loss journey that has taken 35 years so far. There is no need for me to be exasperated with myself and to assume I’ll give up or fail, just because I have before. I now have the hope of Jesus and I need to allow Him to sustain me. The only stiving I must do is in my pursuit of Him and my relationship with Him.

Jesus has restored and redeemed me. I learned on my bible study course this morning that Jesus moved women from shame to honour and that is what He has done for me. Thank you, Jesus, that by Your blood I am saved and I can live another day to serve You and love You. Amen.

Getting Serious about Weight Loss - Starting My Slim and Save Journey

{Post in collaboration with Slim & Save, I received gifted products. 

This post may also contain affiliate links - as an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases, any affiliate links will be marked with #ad}

My Journey so Far

Regular readers will know I have been very overweight for a long, long time. It really is the bane of my life but much of the time I seem powerless to do anything about it. I know that sounds a bit pathetic but we all have our demons to conquer and overeating is mine.

I went on my first diet when I was about 14 (if my memory serves me well). It was my doctor who put me on it and thinking back, I'm sure I was only about a size 10/12, so it seems outrageous to me now, that he thought it was OK to confirm my worries about my size and ask me to keep a food diary and then just half everything I ate. 

Over the years I have tried many, many diets. I tend to go for the more mainstream and less extreme diets in general. I know the general principle of eat less and move more, but truly I do love food and as much as anything, I know I am an emotional eater and I love the comfort of food, and that's not healthy for me.

I'm now at the heaviest I have ever been, I am classed as morbidly obese and I can feel myself falling apart. I have around six different health/ pain issues that I am convinced would all benefit from me being between 2 - 8 stone lighter. So, no longer can I ignore my issues, I have to take steps to make a difference. 

Making Progress...

Myself and my friend Rachel (Mid Life Single Mum) agreed we'd post every couple of weeks to stay accountable for how we are doing in relation to the changes we want to make to our lives. She suggested we do a Slimming Sunday post, as that was something we both used to do and I thought, yes great idea but then I've been thinking about posting yesterday and today and not feeling at all motivated.

As I mused why, I realised that my focus isn't on slimming. Yes, of course I need to lose a serious amount of weight, but that isn't so I'll be slim. Being slim and being able to dress in whichever clothes I fancy will be a nice bonus, but the main thing is to lose weight to improve my health and get rid of the many ailments I currently have.

On Friday 6th September I started to make choices that would lead to better health for me and I want to celebrate those good choices. There have been times, even days in the last week or so when I haven't been great, when my choice has perhaps been a poor one, but I don't want to linger on those times and beat myself up, I want to focus on the good and as such I'll link this post up with Reasons to be Cheerful as I am seriously grateful for the good choices I have been making, some of which will seem so silly to many but for me they are steps in the right direction - progress.

• I faced the music and went to see my doctor to get weighed and to have my blood pressure checked. I was super pleased to find I was only 0.5kg more than when I last saw her about six months ago and my BP was fine.
• I've had some great days food wise, making good choices and not feeling deprived because of them
• I've been eating fruit. This might not sound much to many, but fruit I've always regarded as a waste of calories and I've chosen an apple, bananas and plums this week
• I even muttered the words 'no, I'm not hungry' when offered something by JJ
• I restarted at the gym and had a gym and a swimming session last week, at two different places. My membership gives me access to about six clubs and I intend to explore them all
• I've been choosing to drink tea over coffee as this saves me milk and sugar in every cup
• My water intake has been good and I've been remembering to hydrate
• I haven't been allowing other peoples negative moods impact on me
• I contacted my coach and we set up a meeting to talk and this always helps me to clear my thoughts and to be sure of where I am heading
• I've been making more time to read and pray each each

It's been an acceptable start to making better choices and improving my life for the better. There is four years until I hit 50 and that feels like a great milestone to head towards.

Onwards and upwards!

Linking up with Becky at Lakes Single Mum

Feeling Cheery for the Future #R2BC

Hello friends. Happy Thursday. How is it possibly April already?  I had a bit of a shock when I realised today I was hosting #R2BC for this month.  I think we say it every year but it does feel as if time is whizzing by!

I've titled this post feeling cheery for the future, as I'm focusing on what will come to pass and I'm feeling very happy about it. I had an amazing walk with this wonderful lady who I chat to about everything and anything last week, and I poured my heart out, tears and all. It was very freeing and cathartic. We meet again this Friday, which will be a great follow up too. She is an amazing coach and challenges my thinking.

Then on Saturday last week I attended the Premier Woman to Woman conference with my friend Annie and it was fabulous. We had four amazing speakers and a great worship leader and I came away feeling inspired to change, to grow and to be who God created me to be.

I've been reading a book recently called Dream Culture and it has been about unlocking all the dreams that reside within me, it's been a great step forward. I realised I had stopped dreaming and was just sitting waiting to see how God wants to use me. I now realise He has already planted the passion in me for what I'm supposed to do and I just have to unlock it, equip myself and be brave enough to walk into it.

One of the speakers (Terri Savelle Foy) at the conference spoke on fulfilling your dreams too and that felt very pertinent. I've just purchased her book "Make Your Dreams Bigger Than Your Memories: Don't Let Your Past Keep You From Your Future" and I'm looking forward to taking that on holiday with me Sunday.

When you have Nine Stone to Lose....

Photo by HENCE THE BOOM on Unsplash

Nine stone, that is a lot of weight.

It is a whole person.

Did I ever dream I'd weigh as much as two people?

No of course not.

It was never my dream.

So how did it happen?

I couldn't even tell you quite honestly.

I've been overweight for as long as I can remember.

It has been the primary focus of my life since my early teenage years.

My being fat is completely tied up with my mental well being and my beliefs about myself.

I've been seriously working on unravelling those beliefs and being kind to myself for the last five years.

I am making progress.

Internal progress.

Yet again I have started at a diet club.

I joined Slimming World on New Years Day.

And I've been struggling ever since.

There have been small loses. To date in 2019 it is 5lb that I've lost.

Making Positive Changes #R2BC

My Instagram best 9 pictures of 2018

I’m feeling excited about what 2019 holds for me. I feel like it might finally be the year when I make the eating and exercise changes that I need to be healthy and fit for purpose. That might sound a bit odd, as obviously at the moment, I’m fit for many purposes and I don’t for one minute dismiss my abilities. But as a Christian I try to tune into God’s will for me and I’ve felt for a number of years now, he’s been telling me to get ready and be fit for purpose. I am both excited and a little scared to find out what that purpose is.

I joint slimming world on New Years Day and I’ve had my first weigh in on Tuesday night, the result was 5.5lbs off and that's pretty good. This is probably around the thirtieth diet I’ve tried in my life and to date, I’ve not stuck with any or lost substantial amounts of weight but that’s neither here nor there, as this is now and that is all I need to focus on.

In the last few years, many aspects of my health have been diminishing and that is why I can no longer put aside the urgent need to lose some weight and improve my fitness. It’s not easy but I do feel ready and I’ve been pleased with many of the small changes I’ve made.

• In the last few weeks I’ve been going to the gym and swimming regularly.
• I’ve paired back my commitments to allow myself time to exercise and focus on eating, without getting distracted or stressed
• I’ve cleared out all the Christmas goodies and given them away to others who will enjoy them far more than me.
• I’ve been wearing my Fitbit and clocking some some great days steps. 21,729 is the best day yet this year.
• I’ve been eating fruit daily (this is a massive change for me) and remembering to take it out, so I don’t snack on chocolate etc
• I'm not feeling deprived and I’m still enjoying eating, we went to Pizza Hut as a family at the weekend and I enjoyed a little pizza and loads of salad (with none of the unhealthy stuff on the salad cart).
• I took the car in to be fixed on Monday and had to hang around, normally this would mean a McDonald's breakfast, which I adore but I had beans on wholemeal toast at home and then a pear and banana instead. This saved me a massive 33 syns!
• My changes are already starting to influence my family in a positive manner, which I’m thrilled about.
• I’m being mindful to be active. This weekend we are using a voucher for 40% off a meal at Toby but before we do we’re heading up onto the Seven Sisters cliffs for a good walk.

It feels like I’ve made a good start. Now to keep it up!

I’m linking this post up with Becky at Lakes Single Mum for Reasons to be Cheerful as this new positive mindset and approach is making me very cheerful indeed!

New Years Reasons to be Cheerful - 2019

Happy New Year cheerful friends. I had totally forgotten it was Thursday until Becky gave me a prompt and even then this is a day late, but I have had the most lovely time over Advent, Christmas and New Year, so it is only right that I post and record some of those wonderful moments.

I started reading my daily bible again and have been enjoying regular quiet time in the prayer centre.

I'm really loving reading at the moment and I'm getting through at least one book a week. I've enjoyed many yummy coffees and cakes in December and now I've started Slimming World, so they have to go on hold for a while!

Marching into 2019 with Hope and Love

It's that time of year when so many people are thinking about what lies ahead for them in the next year. I really like this time, when it feels like you have a blank canvas ahead of you and whatever you do feels exciting and new. However for me, it is the keeping it going beyond the first couple of weeks, or even the whole of January (if I'm lucky) that is the tricky bit.

Years back I used to make resolutions, and then always felt bad when they went to pot, so I put that to bed and in December 2013 I published a list of expectations for the year ahead and looking back now, I like that. It was full of positivity and to be honest if I re-published the same list for 2019, I wouldn't go far wrong.

2014's list of expectations

2015 was supposed to be the year that I got #FitandFree, I used that hashtag for a while and the aim was to get fit and lose weight. Guess what?  It didn't happen.

At the beginning of 2016 I wrote about the goals I'd like to achieve that year, and with the exception of the big one that has been evading me forever (the weight loss) I did well.

It appears that I didn't write an end of year, or start of year post for 2017 but I remember this was the year I changed to having a guiding word. My choice of word was Trust and this was about trusting God and trusting myself. Then for 2018, I did the same and chose a word, this time it was Believe - I had to believe I could do it. What was the it?  Lose weight of course.

As I read over these old posts, it is very sad to see that my main goal at the end of every year is to be healthier and fitter, by losing weight and exercising more. It would be so easy to throw the towel in and say that I'm never going to do this, that experience shows I give up easily.

But I refuse to give up. 

In last years post, I said by the end of the year I would be far more healthier and lighter than I was starting the year. If I just look at that, then it would be a fail, but I've always maintained that you don't fail, you win or you learn in life and if I look into that post further, I see that I published a list of what I would believe in. It is when you read these that I know I won last year, I made great progress, yes my outside body still looks fat and my physical health isn't great but my spiritual health is so much better. I do believe I am worth it, I believe I'm loved and that I make a difference and I end the year already a gym member who is actually using her membership each week and knowing that in 2019 I will lose weight. I start slimming world on New Years Day.

Here is the list I published this time last year -

• I need to believe I am significant and worthy of good outcomes
• I need to believe I can make the right choices with food
• I need to believe that exercising is necessary and can be enjoyable
• I need to believe I will lose weight
• I need to believe I am loved
• I need to believe my actions make a difference
• I need to believe the best of others
• I need to believe I have the time to spend with God each day

Today a spent a good couple of hours in the prayer centre as I was trying to focus on what my mantra should be for 2019. Now I know some Christians don't like the word mantra, but I'm not getting hung up on this. A lady I follow on Instagram - Ysette Guevara has been talking about mantras recently, and her first one was 'to rest in the palm of God' and this spoke so loudly to me. So I've been asking God where my focus should be and how do I tune into Him more and keep moving forward.

The first mantra, or phrase that came to me was

"rest in Me child"

and I was feeling very positive with that and ready to move forward with it, as it spoke to me about getting rest, having quiet time with God, sleeping well, giving God the control and acknowledging I am a child who needs to be guided and is loved.

Then tonight I went to a couple of short workshops and the one on being free from fear really grabbed me and I came away, after doing the session in the dark with just the odd candle, believing that I have to step into the light, or live in the light, and then the words of the well-known song came to me

"marching in the light of love"

and this feels right for me too, as marching is doing and I need to be actively putting in to my exercise and weight loss journey, the light is God and I must rely on Him and He is love, so feeling supported and appreciated as I take these steps that have proved so difficult for over three decades!

So here I am right now, with two mantras and I don't know if that will work or naturally over the next few days as I pray and wait on God if one will make itself clear as my guide for the next year ahead. Whichever, it doesn't matter as I'm feeling positive and I know there is hope....

Why not pin this post for later?

There’s Positive Changes Afoot in 2018 with #BootsLittleBoosts

We are now well in to February and my year has started off well. January was all about having my operation for menorrhagia and then healing from that and now I feel like life can really take-off. I no longer have a lack of energy, nor am I anaemic. 2018 is a year that I plan to believe more in myself and in God’s great plans for me, I wrote about it at the beginning of the year and posted my first update last week. The area of my life that I really need to get a grip on is my health and specifically my weight, which sadly, is affecting my health and not in a good way.

However, I am feeling very positive and I am going to take lots of little steps that all add up and will make a difference. If I’m honest many of these steps (or changes) are things I have committed to before and then they’ve not happened or I’ve let them slip but I’m not going to let that stop me. I have to believe that mentally I am now in the right place and that since I have been freed from my terrible (and constant) bleeding that things in my life can change for the better.

The fear of failure must no longer stop me. I’ve been reading a book recently (yet another one) called ‘The Year of Saying Yes’ by Helen Doyle and it is just a fiction book. A great story about a woman called Isobel who changes her life by saying yes to a series of monthly dares and it has been so helpful to me. I have come to realise that often I say no or I am passive in my actions because I am scared it won’t all work out. What the book has made me realise is that it is better to try, better to take one step, better to do it imperfectly, than not at all.

It felt like a God-moment when Boots recently got in touch and asked if I’d like to take part in their #BootsLittleBoosts campaign as this is all about how I am boosting my health and wellness routine for this New Year. They want to know how I’m going to shake off the excess of the winter festivities and to embrace the year ahead with new vigour. It fits in perfectly with my new ‘Believe’ philosophy.

So here goes, I know that Little Steps = Big Changes if I’m consistent and I’m going to set my focus in four key areas -

Believe: My Guiding Word for 2018

Out of all the Christmas lights in Brighton on Boxing Day
this was the only one I wanted to take a photo of, I now know why!

I really love the idea of having a word for the year that guides you and keeps you focused on what you want to achieve. I've shared many times that I don't like resolutions as for me, they just end up dragging me down when I break them. I think having a focus word is a lot kinder and I am able to not beat myself up when I don't meet my own expectation of perfection, which of course is often.

Last years guiding word was Trust. I needed to trust more in the Lord and in myself that I could make changes and achieve the things I needed to. When I look back over the last year if I am using my critical eyes I'd say that nothing has changed, that I'm still in the same place as I was a year ago and most of that unloving assessment would come from the fact that I am still very overweight.

However what I have learnt over the last year is that I have far more value than the weight on the scales gives me. I am intrinsically valuable, just because. I don't have to be slim to be loved.

I've been on the Freedom in Christ course and that has been super helpful in making me put down lots of baggage around guilt and past actions. I've also done lots of work on feeling rejected and accepting that I am worth it.

I have my operation for my terrible periods coming up in 2 weeks and that is a big step forward. I also have my appointment for my orthotics to be fitted in a week and I pray that will start to help ease my foot and leg pain. With progress in both these health areas, my weight loss will become much more achievable.

Charity work that had run its course has been let go and I've started new voluntary work to replace it. I'm in a good place with my life generally and I really enjoy all the ways I get to serve my family, community and the Lord.

I need to look through my kind eyes and know there HAS been change and there HAS been progression and it is because I have been able to trust the Lord.

Trusting myself is the part I have found harder and after a lot of evaluation and introspection I have realised that I never achieve the weight loss because I don't truly believe I can. I'm not sure if this is connected to me believing I am worth it or just that I doubt my abilities.

Therefore my guiding word for 2018 is Believe.

I went through so many other words first and it wasn't a quick process to find the right one. Some of those considered were Peace, Change, Free, Fit, Wellness, Shine, Ready and Kind came a very close second. But in the end Believe won as you have to believe to achieve.

• I need to believe I am significant and worthy of good outcomes
• I need to believe I can make the right choices with food
• I need to believe that exercising is necessary and can be enjoyable
• I need to believe I will lose weight
• I need to believe I am loved
• I need to believe my actions make a difference
• I need to believe the best of others
• I need to believe I have the time to spend with God each day

"If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." Matthew 21:22 

I am believing that at the end of 2018 I will be far more healthy and lighter than I am right now. That is my one goal for the year. To do this year what I have failed to do for the last two decades - lose weight so I can live a full and free life without being held back by my weight or the health issues it brings.

Lord, I believe that when I place my hand in yours and make an effort, I can do this. Thank you for sticking with me. Amen

#SlimmingSunday - A Time of Change

Welcome friends to August’s Slimming Sunday, the linky for all your weight loss, healthy eating, exercise and healthy living posts. #SlimmingSunday goes live the first Sunday of each month and your hosts are Emma at Life According to Mrs Shilts and me, Michelle at Mummy from the Heart.

This is a small, friendly linky and we’re happy to have you join in. We are not big on rules but please, if you link up visit some fellow linkers and leave a bit of comment love to encourage them and I'm sure they’ll do the same for you. I'll be over to visit, comment and tweet out your posts.

So, come on and share - how has July been for you? Share your highs and lows and let us know where you need support. I'll be really happy to pray for you too if you'd like.

It's been a good month for me, it feels like I'm in a time of change and I'm hopeful this is the start of my forever journey to healthy living. I started taking Orlistat fat blocker tablets (prescribed by the doctor) and I was a bit fearful of taking these as they can lead to quite explosive results (if you get what I mean) but thankfully because I've been making good decisions to eat well most of the time I have been fine and at my first check-in at the doctors I had lost just over 3kg which I'm happy with.

I've also had a number of doctors appointments in the last month to try and get some of my health ailments sorted and again I feel as if progress is being made. I had an MRI scan on my foot and there was no evidence of a Mortons neuroma which is what they thought, so on the one hand that's great but on the other I'm no closer to having any answer as to what is wrong with my foot and why I get so much pain. I'm praying that as I lose weight the pressure on my foot will lessen and naturally help it.

Quickfire Reasons to be Cheerful - Birthdays, Anniversaries and Holidays!

Happy 10th birthday (not so) little ladies! I love the fact you are both so different but equally talented in so many ways. I'm proud to call myself Mum to both of you. 🎁🎁🎁 . Miss E, I love your tender heart, your creativity, your kindness and compassion. 💕💕 . Miss M, your confidence is a gift, you are so generous and loving and who can deny your friendliness? 💕💕 . Keep on rocking girls! Don't let anyone dampen your spirit or dull your light!

A post shared by Michelle Pannell (@michelletwinmum) on Jul 18, 2017 at 10:41am PDT

Good morning friends, how are you today?

All is good here, I am on countdown for the end of school and going away for a week to Poole/ Bournemouth from early Saturday morning. Hubby has to stay home and work but we'll have my parents and brother with us to keep us company.

In all it's been a good week and for this Reasons to be Cheerful post I'm going to do one of my quick-fire lists where I shout out about everything that is making me smile right now!

Slimming Sunday - Regaining My Focus

I've been worrying about this post since the beginning of the week when I realised this weekend was the first weekend of the month and I'd suggested to Emma that would be a good time for our #SlimmingSunday linky to publish. We were doing it weekly but in truth hardly anyone was joining in and we wondered if people didn't want to write a post quite so regularly and thus have changed to become a monthly linky. 
From now there will be a Slimming Sunday linky every first Sunday of the month and it will be over on Life According to Mrs Shilts and here with me too.
So you might wonder why this post has been playing on my mind, its not as if it is a difficult or controversial subject to write about but it's about me feeling bad, sad, guilty, ashamed, whatever it is that I'm feeling as I haven't lost any weight since I posted my last Slimming Sunday post and even worse than that I've not really done anything positive towards sorting myself out. 
I'm not quite sure what's up right now but I'm obviously not in the right place to be really focusing on healthy eating and exercise in an effort to lose some of this weight. For one reason or another, or perhaps it is one excuse or another I've hardly been to my Monday night fit club, I haven't focused on my walking and my step count has dramatically reduced and I've been eating whatever I like.

Wasting Time or Enjoying Life? #SlimmingSunday

I've been musing this question this last week - 'By being fat am I wasting my life or am I just choosing to enjoy life by eating the foods I fancy?'

If you've read my blog before you'll know that I have spent the majority of my life for the last 30 years as an overweight women, probably around 20 of those as a very overweight woman and much of that time I have been exceedingly unhappy about my size and weight. In recent months I've been doing a lot of what I call 'head work' in relation to some of the issues I have that send me to the food as my drug of choice.

Doing It Blind #SlimmingSunday

Morning friends, how are you today? I hope you have fab plans for this bank holiday weekend.

As you read this I'm away in Portsmouth with my family. We have taken a trip to see the Historic Dockyard as I've heard so many good reports about the attractions there and I'm so happy to be spending some time with them.

Last week in my Slimming Sunday post I said how I had finally realised things need to change. I can't go on as I am, getting more and more unhealthy and suffering from numerous health ailments because of this. Because I have such a large amount of weight to loss I don't want to do a crash diet meal replacements or such as I know this isn't a healthy and sustainable way to live.

So this week has been about making a start and cutting down. I set myself four small steps to follow last week and they were to -

• Sleep for 7 hours each night - as I write this post I have achieved this each night and I don't think it will be a problem for this to continue as I know how much being well rested helps me to resist all the foods I shouldn't be eating
• Glass of water before each meal - I've been very aware of keeping my water consumption up and need to keep with this
• 3 meals and 3 snacks to ensure I do not get too hungry and reach for the wrong things. I've been really good with my meals, and haven't had as many snacks as I thought I might need
• No cake. I forgot that on a Wednesday evening my husband and I are doing a Marriage course at the moment and at this they give us tea and cake. So I have had one piece but for me that is amazing, as I had turned into a cake most days kind of girl!

Facing Reality and Planning for My Future #SlimmingSunday

I love this picture. This was taken at BritMums in 2015 and I'm around the same size then as I am now
but we are lying down and it seems to be pretty flattering. This is how I'd like to see myself every day!

Morning friends, how are you this week?

I'm really loving reading the posts that you are linking up each week. It isn't easy starting a new linky to be honest and in this day and age everything seems to be judged on numbers and popularity and by traditional standards 2 - 6 people linking up to #SlimmingSunday in a week wouldn't necessarily be considered a linky success but I think it is a success.

You know why? Because you are helping me to stay focused on the goal. I seriously need to lose weight, not just for my vanity or my mental health but for my physical health too. I have so many aliments that are exasperated by my size and they will only get worse as I age but I don't seem to be taking them anywhere near as seriously as I should.  By being accountable and having to report in here each week I have to stay focused and whilst I have not been perfect with my eating, I have been so much better than if I wasn't being accountable with anyone. The good news is that I am continuing to take tons of steps and having a good nights sleep.

Making Good Choices for Me! #SlimmingSunday

I'm finding this verse very reassuring. Others may look at me and just see fat, God sees so much more!

Happy Sunday friends, how are you doing?

I do hope your slimming efforts are going well.  Well, better than mine anyway. You may have read last week that I was in a quandary as to what to do - do I still stay with Slimming World and attend class each week or would something else work better for me? I wasn't sure but I knew I definitely need to stay focused on being more healthy and losing some weight.

So I've spent the week in thought and prayer, coming to the conclusion that I am going to step away from attending my Slimming World class at the moment as the timings don't really work for me but what I'll do instead is attend a weekly exercise class where I can also weigh-in.

I used to go to this class and I know the instructor and many of the people who attend and also (wonderfully) it is run in the grounds of my home, so you can't get much more convenient than that. I only stopped going as it is on the same night as the course I've been doing at church but that is now coming to an end and I pray the content of it and the personal exploration and reflection that I have been doing as a result of it will result in me being able to really get my teeth into this healthy eating lark and make some changes for life.

Making my Mind Up & Working on Forgiveness #SlimmingSunday

Clocking up some steps last weekend with all my family at National Trust, Petworth House

Morning friends,

How are you today? Well I hope. If you are a Mum I wish you a very happy Mothers Day but remember it is just another day and if it doesn't turn out as you hoped it doesn't mean that your kids love you any less. There can be far too much pressure for perfection on days like this.

So on with the matter in hand - slimming! Or perhaps in my case a lack of slimming, I'm really not sure, as for my sanity it feels as if I'm better not stepping on the scales right now. As you know I didn't make it to my Slimming World group last week and yesterday I was away in London with my Mum (I still am) so I should have gone to the Tuesday afternoon group but that would of meant running in getting weighed and running out before the kids got home from their after school club and I found myself umming and aching about whether I really need/want to go to a slimming group at the moment. I'd have had to pay £10 for that quick weight in (two weeks fees) and I felt as if I'd get nothing for it.

For sure, I know that I want and need to lose weight but I think being accountable by this linky and through a Facebook group I have with some slimming friends I actually get the support I need. I really love the consultant at the Slimming World group I've been attending but all her classes are so busy that you don't really get to have a conversation with her and Saturday mornings just seem to fill up with kids activities and holidays. I do really like the short talk that she does each week but it always seems to start late as so many people arrive late to weigh in and then the image therapy (or people sharing their tips / successes) doesn't really inspire me too much. Maybe I've been around the Slimming circuit for too long and actually know most of the tips, I just need to put them into action?

8 Low Syn Slimming World Snack ideas to keep You on Track #SlimmingSunday

If you are on the Slimming World plan you'll know that it is all about the free food and syns. The average person can have between 5 - 15 syns a day but someone larger like me gets 20, although of course it is better to not have so many and then you can see great weight loss results.

I find that my real struggle time is the evening and as such, I always try to plan in a yummy treat for the evening and use my syns for it. I often don't want to use that many though as I need them throughout the day for things like my milk in tea, butter on my toast or ryvita, sauces, gravy or a little treat.

So here are 10 low syn treats that keep me motivated and wanting to lose weight but without feeling like I am missing out -

1.  Quark and highlight with mini marshmallows (4 syns)
This is probably my favourite evening treat as it is sweet, creamy and filling. I use half a tub of fat-free quark and mix it with a highlight or Options chocolate powder sachet (1.5-2 syns it varies for which one you use, so check), it mixes really well and is like a chocolate cheesecake.

I also like to add 10g of mini marshmallows on the top for extra sweetness and indulgence. You can see you get around 30 mini marshmallows for the 10g (you get 25g for 4 syns, so I class these as 2 syns).

I also have a friend who likes to turn this into a cheesecake and she has a crushed light digestive biscuit (3 syns) at the bottom and instead of the marshmallows she has raspberries ad a drizzle of choc shot (1/2 for a level tsp). Add on the chocolate powder and that makes a 5.5 syn dessert.



2.  Raspberry Jelly/ mouse (1/2 syn per dish)
With this one you make up some sugar free jelly (I used raspberry - 2 syns for whole packet, so all 4 desserts shown here), add in a pot of mullerlight (I used vanilla) and some fruit for speed and allow it to set. Bets eaten on the day it is made I find but it does take about 4 or 5 hours to set properly.

A Much Better Week for #SlimmingSunday

Variety is the spice of life they say and certainly keeping my food interesting helps me to say on plan

Happy Sunday friends,

I hope you are well and enjoying the weekend. Thanks so much to all those who joined in with mine and Mrs Shilts first Slimming Sunday last week, it was great to read your posts and I look forward to seeing you again today. Although no pressure, link up every week or just sporadically it is fine with us.

I'll jump straight in there and share my week -

What I've learnt this week

• That being ill is a hindrance to weight loss as sadly I don't lose my appetite like many do but I do lose my motivation to prepare healthy food
• That I find it even harder to concentrate on being healthy when I am tired. I'm not even tired because I feel poorly but because Miss M has been poorly and has been waking me each night

Successes for this week

• Despite being ill I haven't thrown the towel in, I have still been conscious to eat well
• I resisted the urge to have a KFC on Thursday on my way home and instead had an M&S balanced for you thai green curry (about 800 calories less)
• I mainly stuck with my food plan
• I have drunk loads more water this week