Friday 4 February 2011

Last Week I felt like a Big Fat Failure!

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I really did.

Not in my life in general, things are not that doom and gloom but in regards to my weight, size, fat - call it what you will! I know that logically I am very blessed and that despite being pretty darn large I am still lucky enough to be a fairly attractive woman.  I have great hair, a pretty good dress sense (listen to me!) and family and friends who completely bless and edify me.

Yet I sat there at my ED (Eating Disorder) meeting and acted like a child saying I was fed up of being fat and having to try.  I was jealous of others who lost their weight or of others at my group who have more time than I do to focus on their recovery.  I really was a completely spoilt brat and you know what?  I enjoyed it.  I needed that self-indulgent time to get the crap off my chest. Slate cleared and ready to move on...

Then late last week I found the blog of a really inspirational lady Alyson, she went from a size 22 to a 10 in a  about a year.  I really wanted what she had and said so.  This kind hearted lady asked me to join a little group she has on Facebook and to work with a group of ladies to lose weight together.  In the space of a few short days I feel like I have known some of these ladies years and they are my best weight loss buddies ever.  I am so pleased to have found this group and I want to tell you that you all Rock!

The good news is that I had a spiritual awakening at the weekend.  At Church one of the ladies stood up and talked about a vision of people being in the wilderness and needing a warm spa to refresh and cleanse them and that if anyone felt like this God was there for them and wanted to refresh them.  It was me, this spoke to me really powerfully.  That day I sat down and wrote myself a list of things that I commit to do each day/ week to help me with my recovery.  I now have a list which looks like this:
  • Read my bible each day
  • Read some ED literature every day
  • Write a weekly food plan and commit my food daily to my food sponsor, then own up to my actual eating each day.....  lose weight as a result of this
  • Exercise in some small way at least 5 times a week
  • Pray and reflect each day, have time to just BE rather than to keep doing things...
  • Go to bed by 11pm most nights
  • Have at least a couple of days per week away from blogging and the PC
I was ill at the beginning of the week, which was not great but it gave me a kick start to slow down and to cut my eating down.  I now feel well again and to be honest I am on top of the world at the moment.  Things feel as if they are going my way.

On Monday I weighed and I was 17st 1lb, today I weighed and I was 16st 10lb, so a nice little loss in a few days.  I just now need to be careful and keep away from the scales - they can be a very dangerous thing for me. See something good on them and I want to eat to treat myself for being good, see something bad and I want to press the 'F it' button and eat anyway!  Note to self - must not weight myself much!
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