Thursday 27 August 2009

Popotoms meet update

It was fab, I had a great time. It started a bit rocky with me knocking J's shoe under the train but it all ended well and I do feel I have made some good friends. I am definately looking forward to a meet again next year.

J and I were the dancing queens and stayed out til late shaking our booties at the aptly named 'Flares' a 70's club! Then it was lovely to relax in the morning with all the girls and have a leisurely breakfast before a spot of shopping and a super train journey home full of reading and catching some time alone - bliss.

Thanks to all the Popotoms. xx

A gracious God...

is all I can put my weight maintenance down to. I weighed this morning and was 15st 13lb, this is a loss from last week but I do not feel I have put in the work to deserve a loss. I am still eating stuff I should not and eating too much at times. I am being very conscious of what I eat and praying each day as well as reading my OA literature but I do sort of feel that I am paying lip service and not really trying my best at all. I read the other day about someone who just prayed for the willingness to be abstinent and this behaving 'as if' was enough to help them kick into the right mind frame and actually becoming willing.

Lord, I offer myself to you. Please be with me and stop me taking that first compulsive bite. Nothing will ever be as satisfying as when I am able to have 3 meals a day and no more and to stop thinking about food the whole time.

I also read the other day that in turning to food whenever I have an adverse emotion I am in effect turning away from God, as I am not trusting that he will get me through whatever is going on. This is sad, I had not thought of it like that before but I suppose it is true.

Saturday 22 August 2009

Take me..... into insanity!

That is what I will be singing tonight as I get ready to go out and have a fab time.

Well today is the day of the POPOTOMs meet (twin Mummy's to you uninitiated ones) in Birmingham. The excitement has been brewing for ages, we first talked about this at the beginning of the year and booked in March - thankfully we are all still friends!

This is so unlike me to travel 100 miles and meet people I have never met before, also in total this will cost a fair bit - hotel, travel, food, night out, clothes (of course!) and again nowadays it is not like me to be so extravagant. It must be testament to the relationship I have built with these lovely ladies over the last couple of years that I have not once thought about or tried to get out of tonight. That would be my style, announce a problem a couple of days before, keep protesting I would be there and then on the day let everyone down. It is a terrible way to be really but sometimes I just can not find the energy in me to do something which involves a lot of thought and effort. Do you know what? I know I do ti, as I have just written it here but this is probably the first time I have ever really thought about it. I suppose I need to examine why I do it. I hope it is due to my work on myself during my ED recovery that means that this time I am going and looking forward to it immensely.

So, I leave home in about 30 mins for the train to London, meeting J in London and travelling to B'ham together. We have never met before but I know we will get on, she is an armadillo like me (hard on the outside and very soft inside). I wonder if you agree J? Then meeting the other ladies this afternoon for coffee. I also might pop into the town and see if I can get a freebie department store makeover. I am wearing jade green tonight and it would be nice to see if green eyes would suit me too!

I am all ready, packed, iPod loaded up, ready stuff ready, breakfast finished, kids fed and dressed and now just killing some time.

Can't wait to see you later ladies and to all the missing twin mummies - Susie, Elaine, Kris, Ela so sorry you will not be there this year.

Friday 21 August 2009

Me, me, me

I went to ED last night and it was a very good meeting. Someone sharing her story so far and I could relate to many aspects, especially around her guilt of passing her bad eating habits onto her small children. She also said she had no idea what 'normal' is and I so know what she means by that. It is hard to know if I am doing the best for my kids in relation to eating, so I just pray the Lord guides me and helps me to overcome this illness, so they can grow up around a sane mummy with good food behaviours.

Another lady talked about being out with some family members this week and them seeming subdued and she immediately thought what have I done, why are they being like this with me. She caught herself thinking this and said about this type of behaviour being classic of overeaters. I had no idea! I do this loads. I have never thought of it as a negative behaviour before but I now realise it is, someone else can have a bad day and it has nothing to do me with, logically I know this. I now just need to work on my emotions and tell them to stop being so sensitive.

I had a chat with dh earlier this week and I really enjoyed spending time with him, we said we must do it more often. One of the things I spoke to him about was how sometimes I perceive him to be angry or in bad mood and how I allow this to affect me. I did not accuse him or blame as I do realise it is about my perceptions and not about the truth or what is happening. Something I read in the shack made me realise this and be able to confront it, it has been helpful.

I have now finished the shack and I would definitely recommend it, it is a good read. Not as earth shattering as I imagined it might be given all the media hype but definitely thought provoking and I am sure I will read it again in the future.

Better sign off now and get those ladies up form their nap. I have just been thoroughly selfish and enjoyed an hour to myself while the girls napped and JJ played.

Stay well everyone. xx

Monday 17 August 2009

Doing lots of thinking....

Sorry not to be around much, I have been doing lots of thinking. I just re-read my last post and saw I was supposed to chat to dh last night. I didn't. By the time the kids were asleep it was late and we watched a DVD instead but it was rubbish and I went to bed to be honest. Might try and chat to him tonight, it would be good for us to spend some time together chatting rather than just being in the same room and talking about surface things.

I am reading 'the shack' at the moment and it took me ages to get into it. Dh bought it for me at Easter and I read a little and was disappointed so it sat on the shelf. Then about a week ago I started reading some more and now it is really good. What an interesting book - it has got me thinking. Maybe not what I need, as I am so bogged with thoughts at the moment, trying to ensure that I sort out my eating, get a better marriage, be less angry, have a better relationship with God. I must be aware that sometimes when I think I am being helpful I am actually just bogging myself down more by reading and thinking too much.

So I am trying to work through things and feel I can not take on any more at the moment, time feels scarce and I feel a bit stressed really. Must work through that. So looking forward to this weekend and a night away with the girls - gonna behave like an 18 year old and really enjoy myself.

Thursday 13 August 2009

All loved up!

with my girls....

They are at such a wonderful age at the moment. It is hard to remember all the great things they do but I just find myself sitting and watching them sometimes. The interaction of twins is so special. They grabbed hands today and started doing ring a ring a roses together.

I find them mimicking the most strange of things, they are like little sponges, watching our every move, learning everything and then trying to copy.

I have been listening to some tapes this last week whilst decorating. I have really enjoyed them, they are called room for marriage and they are the first in a series of talks on marriage done by City Church Doncaster, a Christian friend of mine lent them to me about 6 months ago and because they are tapes rather than CD's this is the first time I have managed to get to listen to them. I wish I had listened sooner - they are fab. There is not necessarily anything on them that I do not already know but loads of reminders of how important my marriage is, and how I must cherish myself and dh and our time together.

So Sunday Night I intend to have a good chat with dh and remind him how much we need to make time for each other to ensure that our love stays strong.

The pink palace is taking shape....

Sorry to have been MIA but dh and I have been busy creating a pink palace for the girls. I had visions of getting their complete bedroom done in just a couple of days....... I now know different!

I am pleased to say that all that remains now is a new curtain rail to go up, a shelf to go up and dh and I need to construct one bed. I also might go out and buy a couple of bedside drawers for the girls. Once it is all done I will post pics.

They are going to go into big beds and be big girls! This will be hard week for the first transition week or two but needs to be done. Like everything else with kids it all comes together in time.

I am sat in waiting for John Lewis to deliver a mattress and then tonight I am off down to Mum and Dad's to stay for a couple of days and to bring my big boy home. I have really missed him this week whilst he has been at Nanny's. I know he has had a fab time and he tells me he has missed my Mummy cuddles, bless him.

It is my birthday on Saturday, a whole 36 years old - how time flies. So hopefully dh and I will spend a nice night together on Sunday night once we have got the girls room all finished.

Tuesday 11 August 2009


I feel yuck, have just done an hours ironing, my period has arrived today and boy am I in pain and I have eaten like a pig today. Not proud of myself at all but also wise enough to know that beating myself up will do no good.

Off to take some mefanamic acid to ease my periods, have a cuppa, put the ironing away and then maybe an hours TV to wind down, but really I suppose I know I should just go to bed. I am so tired. I have had 2 very busy days decorating the girls room and scrubbing carpets. By this time next week the girls should have a lovely new pink palace and be sleeping in big beds! ahhh, then the fun starts.

Thursday 6 August 2009

3 month update

It must be about 3 months since I started attending my ED meetings and made the decision to turn my problems over to God and allow him to make my life manageable. It has been an up and down time but I am pleased to report today that I feel good and positive.

I weighed this morning and I am 15st 11lb, so back at the lowest I have been since starting this. I have been doing my exercise most days. Mon - aqua aerobics, Tues - swim, Weds and Thurs - sit ups. At least that is something each day.

I have also this week been reading, praying, writing and taking time to think. All things that are important to my recovery.

The big news is that yesterday I was abstinent for a whole day - no chocolate, cream, crisps, biscuits, cakes, ice cream etc etc. I also pray I can do the same today, and then if I can start to add all the one days together I can build a future - yay!

Positive affirmations

A few weeks ago I was speaking to my neighbour and he said how patient dh and are with the kids and that we are a lovely family. He has no idea how we deal with 3 small kids and stay calm and they hear them in the garden enjoying themselves with us etc etc. It was lovely to hear but I assured him he obviously only heard the good bits. He talked about hearing me trying to bath them and being very calm but firm - I went a bit red!

Then 2 days ago I was speaking to his wife and she started to say the same thing, about what wonderful parents dh and I are and that her and her hubbie think we are a lovely little family and they are lucky to live next door to us. How fab is that?

I think I ought to listen to them and get a bit of perspective/ balance as I always assume I a miserable/ impatient and agro with the kids - maybe not!

Then yesterday out of the blue a lady came up to us in the John Lewis restaurant and said she had been watching the kids and that they were gorgeous well behaved kids and that was all down to me, 'great mummy, great kids' she said.

So for today, I am taking all this praise and not letting me head get too big but believing for once that I am an OK parent.

Wednesday 5 August 2009

Whinge or fight back - which is better???

I can hardly even concentrate on this post so I have no idea why I am trying really!

E is the most whingy toddler alive! I have no idea what is wrong with her, teeth I assume. Boy is she a nightmare right now, driving me crazy. I suppose it could just be that she is not getting her own way and she wants my attention ALL the time!

I hate her whinging, I am really not good with the constant whine, cry sort of thing and the disturbed shouts of Mummy. I am expecting social services to arrive at any time to see if I am beating her, she is so noisy. Much of it is induced by her brother and sister teasing her, especially M nicking things from her. I keep wishing she would fight back and stand her ground and then I wonder if I really would like the fights that might break out from that.

So my dilemma, what to do with her????

Someone give me a good answer please!

PS: Just been made to smile, M appear by my side, said 'I'm back' looked at E whinging at my side and said 'ssssshhhh' and walked away! Good idea......

Monday 3 August 2009

The best discipline is love

When reading my 'For today' book yesterday the following line really struck me 'the best discipline is love'. It talked about the mothers heart always knowing what is best for her child and trusting that instinct/ love. It encourages us to show love by being loving.

I hope I am doing that, I coincidentally asked JJ the other day about what he liked best and least about me and I expected that he would say I told him off too much, got too angry, shouted a lot etc etc but he really did not and I believe he was being genuine. He just told me he did not like it when I shouted at him and he hated it if I tapped him. I asked if I did it often and he said no and sometimes he said he was cheeky and probably ought to be told off! lol

A proud day!

I came home from work to be greeted by a tip of a house - the kids looked as if they had a great day, dh tells a different story! lol

So there I was tidying up before we bathed the kids as I did not know if I could face it later. Dh was in the garden amusing the kids when E comes in and tells me pot pot (potty to the uninitiated of you) and yes she had done her first wee on the potty. A proud Mummy was I, and just as I was telling her what a good girl she was and giving her a clap M decided she could not be outdone and she also did a wee on her potty and gave herself a clap.

So could this be the start of potty training? ..............................nah, I am not that brave yet. Nursery can do it when the girls move up to the next class in September. Why make life difficult if I do not have to? If the girls really show they want to be in pants and do not have many accidents then fine but I think the surprised look on E's face and the wee running down her leg about an hour after her triumph shows she is not fully there yet.

Grace in small things

Lets start the day as I mean to go on - in a happy and serene mood -

1. Dh has let me have the car so I am here (work) early and able to get an extra hour in
2. I am off to do my aqua class at lunchtime
3. Dh is cooking dinner tonight
4. I have nothing planned for this evening except painting my nails and watching a girlie DVD!
5. I can not wait for Rivercamp, it will be such fun, only 3 weeks to go.
6. I am meeting the twin mummies in just over 2 weeks - a weekend to B'ham with no kids - whoop!
7. I am hardly at work in August, I have so much holidays - yay to spending time with my lovely kiddies
8. Dh might let me have another weekend away on my own in October, a retreat - it will be bliss if we can work it out.
9. The sky is blue and the sun is shining, even though I am at work I hope my babes enjoy it in the paddling pool with Daddy.

Better go and do some work, cup of tea first me thinks.....

Sunday 2 August 2009

Easy Sunday morning, yeah right! lmao

I was all set to come on here at about 9.30am and post how amazing it is to realise that things with 3 small kids have got far easier over the last few months. It is a Sunday morning and I have changed the girls beds, washed all their sheets, given everyone breakfast, emptied the dishwasher and put it on again, tided the kitchen and even had an hour to myself to read, exercise, shower and get ready. I also have to say I only woke at 7.30am so it is not as if I had an early one. The girls are now happy in the garden and JJ is upstairs with his cars. Dh is feeling poorly so it looks like we will not be off to our church this morning and I might take the kids to visit our old church who have a much more kid friendly short service at 11.30am.

I do feel very blessed to have 3 wonderful children who are really growing up. I was feeling calm and serene and then just as always, as I sat at the PC I heard JJ start shouting and telling the girls off and generally sounding like he is the parent of the house (do I really sound like that? They say kids mimic their parents). I head to the kitchen and there is 2 small twins with half a dozen eggs smashed on the floor. God obviously wanted to take me back to reality and remind me that yes whilst things are getting better there is still the testing times! Luckily I am in a very good mood today and I can see the funny side and am over it already!

I hope anyone reading has a great Sunday. x

Saturday 1 August 2009

My recovery today

As I have mentioned every day is to be treated as a new entity and I should only really be thinking about and living for that day and do you know what? I am getting better at it! yay I feel as if I am making some steps forward in my recovery in general and that my emotional health is improving. I am still not abstinent, I had one really good abstinent day and the others over the last couple of weeks have just been OK, not terrible but still with many foods/ snacks that I did not need/ should not of had. I weighed yesterday morning as I had no real idea where I was weight wise and I was 16st 1lb, so much better than a week ago but not as low as I have been. Since being back home I have got straight back into doing my crunches in the morning as well.

I wish I had a laptop over the last week as I have done so much thinking and realisation and now I sit at the PC, it is hard to remember it all and capture it. I have moved onto step 2, I think no 1 is now in hand and I have truly realised and come to believe that I am powerless over food. I am now working on step 2 which is coming to believing that a higher power can restore me to sanity. This other ED meeting I went to this week was good as it appeared there were alot of long term members there and loads of recovery in the room. I think I need to get out and see some more ED meetings and be inspired by people with long term recovery. My group is a fairly new one and lacks people who are able to become my sponsor.

Whilst at Mum and Dad's I went to church (one which I really love and have visited many times) and again I got that message to do less and be more. I had some realisation that whilst I appear to be a good student of my ED literature I was not actually doing anything with the info I was reading. The stuff is only useful if you actually absorb it, think on it and perhaps apply some of it to your own life. I realised that I do not allow myself any time for thinking.

Whilst at church I wrote some notes and I have just seen that one of them was that I would dump any to do lists. Realistically they just stress me out and make me want to do more. shhh, don't tell anyone but I actually think sometimes I just write things on them to feel needed and also to feel as if I have achieved something. I have been known to write things on them that are already done, just so I can put the line through that thing. Crazy!

I also put down that I would ensure I take 1/2 hour every day to just be with God and focus. This should not be just before I go to bed as then I end up falling asleep. Thinking about it I did do this each day whilst away, I also took time to go down on my knees at the end of each day to thank God and chat to him. Since I have been back home I have not done this, so I must make a special effort tomorrow.

My last item I wrote about was the need to turn more over to God and to stop trying to trust my own or the worlds wisdom. Only God knows the perfect plan for me and often it will be very different to my own but I truly know it will fulfil all my needs and be the best for me.

So I am going to sign off now, as I am getting very tired and it would be nice to half hour mindless TV before I head up to bed to pray and sleep.

The big boy returns!

JJ arriving at camp

Hidden in a box!

Assault course

On the downhill trolleys.....

Pot-holing - brave boy!

Relaxing after a hard days camping.

My big boy is back from camp minus a tooth, so that is now 2 he has lost and at the tender age of 5 he has one of his adult teeth growing through. Can that be right? surely he is too young, I will have to google and investigate.

I can tell he has been with 9 - 15 year old for a week as he is a tad more cheeky than when he left me (Daddy and I will soon knock that out), dh is being referred to as Dad, the Daddy has been dropped and his voice even sounds different. I know that sounds a bit crazy but I suppose he has just become used to conversing at a different level for the last week.

He had an amazing time at camp, his second year and got an award for 12 nights away, so once he is invested as Beaver he will be able to get his first badge straight away. We have to frame his certificate apparently.

He did a wide variety of activities: potholing, swimming, wide games, hiking, racing trolleys etc etc and apparently they all did skits around the camp fire to earn points for their team and JJ stood up and did some knock knock jokes. Where does he get the confidence from?