Rejection: Even Harder to Watch as a Parent

A little treat for one of my girls. After being the brunt of a nasty game at school this week and her twin being away for the night for a birthday sleepover, it is important for her to know she is cherished too. It's not always easy growing up and I recall how it felt to be the one always left out but the good news is I grew out of it and I pray she will too. How I'd love for her to have one great mate.

A photo posted by Michelle Pannell (@michelletwinmum) on Feb 4, 2017 at 2:23pm PST

It's only been in the last couple of years that I have realised that at the age of 43 I suffer with deep-seated feelings of rejection. The root of these goes right back to primary school and being the last to be picked for gym or being the one left out when it was play time. I can still feel the hurt of being about 10 or 11 and sitting hiding behind a curtain at a birthday party, crying as I just knew no-one really wanted me there.

It's not easy being stuffed full of all these feelings of inadequacy and unlove for more than thirty years but the great news is that now I know about this issue I'm able to deal with it and I'm currently reading Uninvited by Lisa Terkeurst. It is proving really helpful, giving me insight into how I need to deal with those feelings of rejection that have stayed with me for far too long. I've also just started a course at church called Living Free and I had an amazing first week and can't wait to go along again tomorrow.

Thank the Lord that as I grow as a Christian God helps me to see all the issues that I have been burying for far too long and I have the opportunity to deal with them if I wish. This revelation isn't just helping me though it also enables me to see where my children might be having issues and right now one of my girls is feeling rejection in a big way.

The Boots We Wear

 

I’m in a good place right now, one where I am hearing God speak to me and that is both exciting and also scary. I find it really interesting that at times I can tune in and others I just have no idea what is being said or how God is prompting me. I suppose, logically there has to be times of rest or quiet otherwise I would get exhausted from constantly hearing God’s promptings for me to change and improve.

At church on Sunday our Senior Pastor Paul was speaking on unbelief and fear, he felt God had given him a powerful message to share with us about being careful what boots we step into each day. He had a big, heavy pair of wellies on stage that he stepped into and told us that each day these ‘old faithfuls’ sat by the side of his bed waiting for him to step into. His boots have a word branded onto the bottom of each of them – on one is fear and on the other is unbelief.

It is all too easy each day for any of us to slip into the habits that we are used to, the things we find familiar and comfortable and his boots of fear and unbelief are what he could easily wear every day if he didn’t put some thought and effort into it. BUT and this is a big BUT, when Paul gave his life to Christ he got given a new pair of boots, a much better pair, those of love and faith. Of course being new boots they are not as worn-in, or as comfy and familiar as the old ones but with time they too can become our favourite boots and of course they are much better and the rewards from wearing them are much richer.

I’ve been musing over this message since I heard it and of course praying for guidance on what it is that my boots have branded onto the bottom of them. At first I thought one of mine might be fear too and there are definitely times that I suffer from unbelief but this morning as I drove home from dropping the kids to school and I was musing how the children prefer to go in the car with a different parent to me I realised that the branding on the bottom of one of my boots is rejection.

Oh my word, what a revelation. I now know for sure I suffer with a spirit of rejection and I have never knowingly realised this before. I feel rejection in my life in so many ways and it is so easy for this to make me feel negative and down. There is nothing massive that I can pinpoint and say was the crux of my problems or issues and therefore this is probably just something I have dismissed before but for me it is real and it is a big deal and I need to get past it. So I’ve ordered a book by John Eckhardt called ‘Destroying the spirit of rejection’ and I’m hoping it will help, it has great reviews and over the next few weeks I’m going to be doing some praying with a friend and immersing myself in this subject.

As I think about this more and more I realise that I’ve felt rejected in so many ways in my life and it is now probably just a lens that I view life through. It is turned on as a default setting and that is bound to steal my joy. So I have doctored my shoes and tonight when I step out the house to go to a new bible study group (ekk a little scary) I am wearing the shoes of love and acceptance as that is what my faith in God gives me.

I am OK. I am more than OK. I am good enough. I walk in love and acceptance and spirit of rejection and fear be gone in Jesus name. Amen

The one about feeling rejected

I had a bit of an epiphany on Friday morning, I think it has been long coming. I've always known that I desire to be needed and that being needy isn't a particularly attractive trait but I had no idea that I feel rejected.

I'm not sure where this stems from, I don't believe it is my family, I've always known how loved I am by them all. So I assume it must have come from my early friendships as I have very definite memories of not being wanted, of being the spare person in the group. It brings a lump to my throat when I remember being a young girl at a party and hiding behind the curtain and crying as I just *knew* I wasn't really wanted there.

There are so many childhood examples I could cite, like the the time I sat and watched the girls next door have a party in their garden whilst I watched from my bedroom window and cried. Or when my hat was flushed down the loo because the older girls at school thought that was funny. It is so hard to understand, I don't know why I didn't fit in but it still hurts and when it hurts I worry about my own children, about the same happening to them. Miss M is so like me when I was little; head strong and opinionated, not afraid to speak her mind and potentially upset people.

Then you have my little delicate Miss E who asked me this morning why some friends go somewhere else rather than our house in the morning and I replied that I didn't know. She then matter of factly asked me if it was because they didn't like us? How do you answer that? I struggle to believe that anyone could dislike Miss E as she is such a sweetie but of course I'm biased.

I've been worrying about this situation with a local family, I can't really go into on here but it has made me very sad and again this morning I was struggling to understand it but instead of allowing myself to get in the doldrums I turned to God and reminded myself that it does not matter if people reject me or do not like me, He likes me, in fact He loves me just the way I am and that is what I need to ensure my children understand too. We turn to God first and not people.

I was then later talking to my husband about work and how I want to be useful and to be achieving my full potential and helping where I can. Last week I could not do my voluntary work and by the end of the week I felt pretty empty, whereas this week I have worked Tuesday and I was off to the food bank that same day. It was when I was musing my voluntary work at the food bank that I realised how I feel about rejection as I found myself thinking about the fact that I'm just on the rota bi-weekly and the destructive thought 'they don't want me every week' popped into my head.

I am so glad I caught that thought and did not muse on it as you know what the bible says -

"Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life." Proverbs 4:23 (NLT)

I also love this well known quote. No-one really knows its origins as it is attributed to many people but I personally feel it is very biblical in its message and it can be traced back to sermons in the 1800's -

Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.  

It would be easy to just think that thoughts come from the mind but actually it is in our hearts where we believe and have faith. If I allow negative thoughts to enter my mind and dwell there, they will become what my heart believes and I'll be in the grip of Satan's lies. I've heard enough of his lies and I don't want him to be part of my life any longer. 2015 is already a year of change and I think the change is going to be deeper and wider than I ever imagined.

As I was journaling earlier I could think of loads of examples, both in the past and currently where I feel rejected or perceive someones actions or mannerisms to be rejections. Then as I pondered on I started to berate myself for assuming I am the centre of the universe and it is not all about me. I should not be feeling rejected by these people in my life, I should be feeling blessed. But it is what it is and being unkind to myself won't solve it and navel gazing and pondering what made me so self-centered won't either. I don't like to think of myself as self-centered but to be assuming that other peoples actions (or lack of actions) are because of me must mean I have too much focus on self.

Strangely I feel a kind of relief realising this, as it means I can now take steps to investigate it further and tackle it. I know I do not need to feel rejection, my family love me and God loves me, that is all I need but now I need to find out what I must do to make this my reality and really believe it.

I must focus on God and on being the person He intends me to be and that is a well-rounded person who is secure in His love and not seeking to be needed by others. There is so much work ahead...

I suspect a great first step is to delve into the word and remember what God says -

"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9

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