But don't you get lonely Mum?

Heading out on my own for a walk and pray around the grounds of my home

Earlier this week I was booked in for a spa day at our local Bannatynes. You can get really good deals on Wowcher and I decided at the beginning of this year that at least a couple of times a year I would treat myself to a day spa. A few treatments, time in the gym, steam room, swim, massive jacuzzi and a nice lunch with a good book. Oh and not forgetting some downtime on the hot stone relaxation beds.

I'd been really looking forward to my day spa and I hadn't let any appointments or tasks get in the way. As I was getting ready in the morning Miss E asked me who I was going with. I told her I was going alone and she looked so concerned and said 'but won't you get lonely mum?' This got me pondering and thinking about my friendships and yes there are definitely times when I get lonely, but to be honest, at the day spa isn't one of them.

Call me selfish but I love to be able to suit myself. I did the activities in the order I wanted, I ate when I was hungry, if I was later than planned in the morning it didn't matter and when I had lunch I could absorb myself in my book. I had moments of longing as I saw so many friends and couples, there for the day together, looking comfortable in each others company and chatting away, but ultimately I decided I really was OK there on my own.

Since we moved to East Sussex over six years ago I haven't had the easiest time making friends. There are lots of people I know and would happily chat to, there are even a couple I've had really deep conversations with and enjoyed special times with but I haven't made that best friend. The one who knows me so well and we just hang out and do life together. I do get sad about that sometimes.

Rejection: Even Harder to Watch as a Parent

A little treat for one of my girls. After being the brunt of a nasty game at school this week and her twin being away for the night for a birthday sleepover, it is important for her to know she is cherished too. It's not always easy growing up and I recall how it felt to be the one always left out but the good news is I grew out of it and I pray she will too. How I'd love for her to have one great mate.

A photo posted by Michelle Pannell (@michelletwinmum) on Feb 4, 2017 at 2:23pm PST

It's only been in the last couple of years that I have realised that at the age of 43 I suffer with deep-seated feelings of rejection. The root of these goes right back to primary school and being the last to be picked for gym or being the one left out when it was play time. I can still feel the hurt of being about 10 or 11 and sitting hiding behind a curtain at a birthday party, crying as I just knew no-one really wanted me there.

It's not easy being stuffed full of all these feelings of inadequacy and unlove for more than thirty years but the great news is that now I know about this issue I'm able to deal with it and I'm currently reading Uninvited by Lisa Terkeurst. It is proving really helpful, giving me insight into how I need to deal with those feelings of rejection that have stayed with me for far too long. I've also just started a course at church called Living Free and I had an amazing first week and can't wait to go along again tomorrow.

Thank the Lord that as I grow as a Christian God helps me to see all the issues that I have been burying for far too long and I have the opportunity to deal with them if I wish. This revelation isn't just helping me though it also enables me to see where my children might be having issues and right now one of my girls is feeling rejection in a big way.