Marching into 2019 with Hope and Love

It's that time of year when so many people are thinking about what lies ahead for them in the next year. I really like this time, when it feels like you have a blank canvas ahead of you and whatever you do feels exciting and new. However for me, it is the keeping it going beyond the first couple of weeks, or even the whole of January (if I'm lucky) that is the tricky bit.

Years back I used to make resolutions, and then always felt bad when they went to pot, so I put that to bed and in December 2013 I published a list of expectations for the year ahead and looking back now, I like that. It was full of positivity and to be honest if I re-published the same list for 2019, I wouldn't go far wrong.

2014's list of expectations

2015 was supposed to be the year that I got #FitandFree, I used that hashtag for a while and the aim was to get fit and lose weight. Guess what?  It didn't happen.

At the beginning of 2016 I wrote about the goals I'd like to achieve that year, and with the exception of the big one that has been evading me forever (the weight loss) I did well.

It appears that I didn't write an end of year, or start of year post for 2017 but I remember this was the year I changed to having a guiding word. My choice of word was Trust and this was about trusting God and trusting myself. Then for 2018, I did the same and chose a word, this time it was Believe - I had to believe I could do it. What was the it?  Lose weight of course.

As I read over these old posts, it is very sad to see that my main goal at the end of every year is to be healthier and fitter, by losing weight and exercising more. It would be so easy to throw the towel in and say that I'm never going to do this, that experience shows I give up easily.

But I refuse to give up. 

In last years post, I said by the end of the year I would be far more healthier and lighter than I was starting the year. If I just look at that, then it would be a fail, but I've always maintained that you don't fail, you win or you learn in life and if I look into that post further, I see that I published a list of what I would believe in. It is when you read these that I know I won last year, I made great progress, yes my outside body still looks fat and my physical health isn't great but my spiritual health is so much better. I do believe I am worth it, I believe I'm loved and that I make a difference and I end the year already a gym member who is actually using her membership each week and knowing that in 2019 I will lose weight. I start slimming world on New Years Day.

Here is the list I published this time last year -

• I need to believe I am significant and worthy of good outcomes
• I need to believe I can make the right choices with food
• I need to believe that exercising is necessary and can be enjoyable
• I need to believe I will lose weight
• I need to believe I am loved
• I need to believe my actions make a difference
• I need to believe the best of others
• I need to believe I have the time to spend with God each day

Today a spent a good couple of hours in the prayer centre as I was trying to focus on what my mantra should be for 2019. Now I know some Christians don't like the word mantra, but I'm not getting hung up on this. A lady I follow on Instagram - Ysette Guevara has been talking about mantras recently, and her first one was 'to rest in the palm of God' and this spoke so loudly to me. So I've been asking God where my focus should be and how do I tune into Him more and keep moving forward.

The first mantra, or phrase that came to me was

"rest in Me child"

and I was feeling very positive with that and ready to move forward with it, as it spoke to me about getting rest, having quiet time with God, sleeping well, giving God the control and acknowledging I am a child who needs to be guided and is loved.

Then tonight I went to a couple of short workshops and the one on being free from fear really grabbed me and I came away, after doing the session in the dark with just the odd candle, believing that I have to step into the light, or live in the light, and then the words of the well-known song came to me

"marching in the light of love"

and this feels right for me too, as marching is doing and I need to be actively putting in to my exercise and weight loss journey, the light is God and I must rely on Him and He is love, so feeling supported and appreciated as I take these steps that have proved so difficult for over three decades!

So here I am right now, with two mantras and I don't know if that will work or naturally over the next few days as I pray and wait on God if one will make itself clear as my guide for the next year ahead. Whichever, it doesn't matter as I'm feeling positive and I know there is hope....

Why not pin this post for later?

A year of Believing - January Update #R2BC

At the beginning of the year I decided on the word 'Believe' as my guiding word for the year. The aim is that when I am stuck and not sure what I am doing or where I am going I need to believe that I'm on the right path, that God has got my back and that I can do this (whatever this may be).

January generally has been a really good month, I have been very gentle with myself and my expectations of what I'd achieve have been low, so there has been plenty of downtime to think, pray and read. It's amazing with all that time to ponder I have been thinking about work and what I want from life and I feel like I have some clarity.

Work and Volunteering
I've made the decision to finish another one of my voluntary roles at Easter and this will free up time to either find paid work or do other voluntary work that better meets my needs and skills. I've realised that I don't enjoy directly working with kids and I am much better in a HR, training, coaching or organisational role. I don't want to settle for something that doesn't set my heart on fire any more.

I met with the Volunteer Co-ordinator of the local Children's Centre and I am going along at the end of February for a course and hopefully afterwards there will be some volunteering opportunities that I am really interested in, things like running parenting courses or supporting new parents. I'm also keeping my eyes open for paid jobs but I have quite specific requirements as I can't see the point of working for really low pay in the wrong kind of role when I can earn decent money writing.

My Health
I had the operation I've been waiting for and I believe it has been a success. I felt like I was in limbo before it, just waiting to feel better and to have some energy again. I'm now a couple of weeks after my operation and life feels different. I really do feel invigorated again and I'm looking forward to it being at least a month after so I can see what my future cycles might be like.

My custom-made orthotic insoles arrived and they are fairly comfortable, although I had conflicting advise from the Podiatrist I saw this time as he felt I didn't need them and I just had to work on my stretching to loosen my calf and ankle muscles. He felt if three months of intensive stretching every day doesn't work then I will need an operation to lengthen the muscles. I am however believing that if I am consistent in my stretching that an operation will not be necessary.

I started to read a very good book called Believing God by Beth Moore, I found it hard to get in to at first but then it started to become more practical and spoke to me. So I am wearing a blue ribbon round my wrist for the next six months as a gentle reminder to make choices that are kind to me. I'm also trying to journal daily about where I have seen God working.

Losing Weight
Monday I have started to take Orlistat, which are fat blockers prescribed by the doctor, they are to aid my weight loss but are not for one minute an easy option. I need to be incredibly careful what I am eating whilst taking them or I could have very violent reactions, which would not be fun. I also have an induction at a new gym (right close to my house) on 22nd February and then I'll be exercising there twice a week on a Tuesday and Thursday evening whilst my girls are at clubs.

So for February I am believing -

1. That my TCRE operation worked and I'll now have normal bleeding for the future
2. That if I consistently keep stretching my leg issues and foot pains will go away
3. That the right work for my skills will come along and I have to believe in God's incredible timing and not take things into my own hands (and get it wrong no doubt)
4. That I will lose weight by eating sensibly and exercising regularly

I'm linking this post up with Becky at Lakes Single Mum for this weeks Reasons to be Cheerful linky.

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Believe: My Guiding Word for 2018

Out of all the Christmas lights in Brighton on Boxing Day
this was the only one I wanted to take a photo of, I now know why!

I really love the idea of having a word for the year that guides you and keeps you focused on what you want to achieve. I've shared many times that I don't like resolutions as for me, they just end up dragging me down when I break them. I think having a focus word is a lot kinder and I am able to not beat myself up when I don't meet my own expectation of perfection, which of course is often.

Last years guiding word was Trust. I needed to trust more in the Lord and in myself that I could make changes and achieve the things I needed to. When I look back over the last year if I am using my critical eyes I'd say that nothing has changed, that I'm still in the same place as I was a year ago and most of that unloving assessment would come from the fact that I am still very overweight.

However what I have learnt over the last year is that I have far more value than the weight on the scales gives me. I am intrinsically valuable, just because. I don't have to be slim to be loved.

I've been on the Freedom in Christ course and that has been super helpful in making me put down lots of baggage around guilt and past actions. I've also done lots of work on feeling rejected and accepting that I am worth it.

I have my operation for my terrible periods coming up in 2 weeks and that is a big step forward. I also have my appointment for my orthotics to be fitted in a week and I pray that will start to help ease my foot and leg pain. With progress in both these health areas, my weight loss will become much more achievable.

Charity work that had run its course has been let go and I've started new voluntary work to replace it. I'm in a good place with my life generally and I really enjoy all the ways I get to serve my family, community and the Lord.

I need to look through my kind eyes and know there HAS been change and there HAS been progression and it is because I have been able to trust the Lord.

Trusting myself is the part I have found harder and after a lot of evaluation and introspection I have realised that I never achieve the weight loss because I don't truly believe I can. I'm not sure if this is connected to me believing I am worth it or just that I doubt my abilities.

Therefore my guiding word for 2018 is Believe.

I went through so many other words first and it wasn't a quick process to find the right one. Some of those considered were Peace, Change, Free, Fit, Wellness, Shine, Ready and Kind came a very close second. But in the end Believe won as you have to believe to achieve.

• I need to believe I am significant and worthy of good outcomes
• I need to believe I can make the right choices with food
• I need to believe that exercising is necessary and can be enjoyable
• I need to believe I will lose weight
• I need to believe I am loved
• I need to believe my actions make a difference
• I need to believe the best of others
• I need to believe I have the time to spend with God each day

"If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer." Matthew 21:22 

I am believing that at the end of 2018 I will be far more healthy and lighter than I am right now. That is my one goal for the year. To do this year what I have failed to do for the last two decades - lose weight so I can live a full and free life without being held back by my weight or the health issues it brings.

Lord, I believe that when I place my hand in yours and make an effort, I can do this. Thank you for sticking with me. Amen