18 Jan - Worst day of the year?

I was listening to Heart radio on the way to work this morning and Jamie Theakson said that 18 Jan is reported to be the worst day of the year - what with the aftermath of Xmas, debt, weather etc etc and I was just sat there thinking 'not for me!'. I feel good today!

I thought I would just do a little update on my personal recovery journey, as I think I have been being a bit of an ostrich just recently and burying my head in the sand. Not really sure when the last time I blogged about my food obsession was!

The year started well and I was abstinent for the first 2 days of Jan and then things slipped, I was being lazy and I think the devil got the better of me and I just started to eat what I fancied and when. I know I have had too much food, not completely excessive amounts but far more than a moderate and healthful diet needs and I have also been eating my trigger foods such as chocolate and biscuits.

I got a kick up the bum when my food sponsor emailed me last week and asked if I still wanted her to continue as I was being lazy and trying to work my own way round the program (my words not hers) rather than just following the simple guidelines of abstinence and 301. This was a shock to the system, I really admire my food sponsor and value her input so this made me think about what I was up to. I have spent the last week or so in thought and prayer and come back to that same conclusion again that nothing really is as important to me as recovering. It is the key to living a normal life and helping my kids grow up to be rounded too. To diet and obsess all my life is just not helpful. So yes I feel I probably have gained some weight in the last couple of weeks - no idea how much as I have no scales now! but my clothes still do up, so that is a good sign.

Yesterday was a wonderful day, I spent an hour in bed in the morning praying and reading and I did some of my steps workbook. I am currently working through step 3 which is turning my will over to God and following His will instead. I am finding this hard but do know it is necessary so I am praying for willingness. I went to Church in the morning and evening and spent some lovely time playing with my kids and dh cooked us a roast, he even cleared up afterwards while I was out - little things make such a difference to me and make me feel more in love. I am such a woman, my love language is definitely that of 'acts of service'. Have you ever heard of the 5 love languages? It is an interesting topic.

So I am committed to finding myself a proper sponsor to take me through the steps and hold me accountable. I will start to attend another ED meeting in March and onwards so I can find someone suitable and maybe someone will show up to the workshop at the end of Feb.

I will call my food sponsor tomorrow lunchtime and talk through with her and ask her to continue and we will set some guidelines so I am accountable rather than just 'flying by the seat of my pants!'.

I also commit to start reaching out and calling ED friends and asking for help when I need it, I know it is what could make the difference and I must choose to do it.

So there you go, this is where I am right now. Feeling good, currently abstinent and looking forward to a night out with some girlfriends tonight.

Food Plans

My food sponsor has gone away on holiday and I do not want to pester her, so I will write my food plan on here each day and then update it to see how I have done.

Today - 6th Nov
Plan is - porridge and 2 crumpets for brekkie, vege soup, 3 ryvita and cheese for lunch then an apple, tea is jacket potato with tuna mayo and sweetcorn and salad. Then plain yoghurt with some prunes in it.

Whoops, I have forgotten to report on my foods plans for the last couple of days but all has been going well. What I have actually eaten today (8th Nov) is -
Shreddies, 1 crumpet, banana, roast pork dinner with yorkshire puddings, scrambled eggs on 2 toast. So as you can see it is not that I am missing out on nice food, I am still eating well, just cutting out the crap.

9th Nov -
Yesterday I had - porridge, bagel, chicken salad, yoghurt, chicken and veg stir fry and a granola bar. I kept to plan! yay

10th Nov -
Plan today is - oat krunchies, bagel (whcih I have kept to so far) and planned is lunch chiken sub roll, crisps, grapes and then for tea ??? as Adam is cooking but I will stick to one moderate plate and then some tinned fruit and custard afterwards.

Am I making any progress?

I have been asking myself this question the last couple of days and really I have no answer. I would like to think that I am making progress and taking steps in my recovery from the disease of compulsive overeating but then some of my behaviours around food are still so illogical that I wonder. I am definitely not putting my abstinence from poor eating behaviours first yet and this shows me there is still a very long way for me to go... it is a journey. I remember as a young child asking 'are we nearly there yet?' and my Mum would tell me 'every step is a step closer' and I think that really applies here. Every mistake I make and every tiny bit of progress I make will all make a difference in a big way one day. I just need to keep working my program, handing things over to God and believing that one day the miracle will happen to me too.

I went to my ED meeting tonight and it was a very good one, we had a chair (which is where someone shares their own story in the hope of helping others). The lady that shared tonight was fab and her story was so alike mine in many ways. It has made me start to think about a number of relevant things - first going on a diet as instructed by the doctor at age 11 - I was only a size 10, not that enormous! Bigger than my peers yes, but not crazy big!

I also remember being off school with my Mum and the main thing I remember is having fish finger sandwiches together. I have no idea what we did on those days off but I know what we ate - how telling is that?

The lady spoke about how much her sponsor had helped her and that at first she could not believe that someone really did not mind her calling and asking loads of crazy/ silly questions and this is where I am right now. I do not have a full sponsor and I wonder how anyone will want to listen to my self-absorbed witterings on a regular basis. I need to get out to other meetings and see is anyone is willing to sponsor me.

I shared at the meeting tonight that I went to aqua aerobics last night and afterwards rewarded myself with a chocolate chip shortbread. In fact if I am honest that was the only thing that got me out at 8.15pm on a dark and dreary night - the lure of yummy food! My food sponsor shared with me that if I can not trust myself not to indulge when I go to aqua that I actually need to miss it for a few weeks until I have given over my will enough to God that I can resist. This was a real revelation to me, I had no idea but it does make sense now I think about it.

She also said that anything I put on my food plan in the morning, I must make sure I eat and not try not to have it to avoid calories. Doing so is generally a false economy as I then feel hungry before my next meal and am tempted to pick.

So I know what I have to do - 3 meals in the day, keep the food within the meal time and not try to hang out the pudding so it becomes a snack rather than part of the meal and lastly I need to avoid situations where I think I will be tempted to eat. This may mean to exercise or cinema or going out but we are only talking a month or so, so not the rest of my life! I do need to get a handle on this eating and after 6 months of being in the program I ought to start making a bit more progress really.

So please Lord help me to be willing to do the above. teach me to be kind to myself and help those around me to be understanding of my needs around food. Amen

A few good days

I am feeling pretty happy right now. I have had a couple of really good days. I met a friend in recovery on Thursday and that has been such a great help to me. Thursday and Friday I did what my meetings term as 301 - 3 meals a day, nothing in between and taking 1 day at a time. My food sponsor is also such an inspiration to me, giving me such invaluable advice and coaching each day. I think that is wonderful that someone is willing to give me 10 minutes every day to help me along the road to recovery. One day I will be able to offer that help to someone else and that is why this program of fellowship works. Have you seen the film 'pay it forward'? No, you should it is such a feel good film and if everyone worked that system in real life we would have no problems. Such an idealist! lol

The new meeting I have been going to the last few weeks also has lady there who could be a potential sponsor. I need to have a chat with her and take things as they come. I have accepted that God was obviously shutting the door to the treatment centre that I called. There must be other people who need it more........ but that is OK as I am doing fine right now and all I have to focus on is today. It is when I start to project and worry ahead that things go tits up!

Acting 'as if'

One of the things the program teaches us is to act 'as if'. This basically means that if I do not buy into something/ believe it I can act as if I do and eventually it will sit right with me and I will subscribe.

I keep reading and being told that I have to go 301 in regards to my eating. This basically stands for - 3 meals per day, nothing in between and living one day at a time.

At first I wondered how I would ever do this, as snacks are so important to me. Trying to get through 4 or 5 hours to get to the next proper meal is a form of torture I believe! and I just could not see the logic of why this would help me.

Today I am willing to say 'hands up, I have no belief this will work but it does for loads of people with ED's and thus I am going to give up my will and try it'. Yippie - I have got through from breakfast to lunch and just had my lunch. So now I have to get through until about 5.30pm when I can eat my tea. My breakfast and lunch have been much bigger than normal - they have to be to get me through and whilst they have not been wild food choices, like chocolate or anything they have not been sensible low calorie/ low fat choices either. My food sponsor tells me that if I can get 301 established and get my body used to it, I can then start to look at the portion sizes and the food choices I am making. You never know maybe this is a far better way to slimming and certainly it will remove my constant obsession with where my next meal is coming from.