Totally Insane!

It is official, I am nuts!

I was at work yesterday and I noticed that people had been bringing lots of yummy foods into the office - cakes, chocolate biscuits, sweets etc and boy did I fancy some. I managed to resist until lunchtime and then packed myself off to aqua to get out the office and not to think about food.

Well on the way over there I remembered that they sell the most lovely chocolate chip shortbread and I started thinking about how I could swap my foods around for the day. The plan was shreddies, tea cake for breakfast. Chicken roll, crisps and satsuma for lunch. Jacket with tuna and salad for tea, then a granola bar. So I decided that I could have have the shortbread as part of my lunch, dump the granola bar and have the satsuma after dinner.

I obviously knew this was the wrong choice as I struggled the whole way through the aqua, asking God to stop me buying it but desperately wanting it and to taste how nice it was. I could even hear my food sponsor in my head telling me I had gone into treat mode because I had done aqua and that what was important was sticking to my food plan and getting through the day without the focus on food. Not deciding that swapping them would be OK as mainly the calories would still be the same but that I would still be 301. Too much thinking can drive you nuts....

So I spent an hour in the pool completely obsessing about food. Insane!

I then went back to work and ate my lunch, chicken roll, crisp and shortbread and yes I enjoyed it and stayed away from other food for the afternoon. Upon getting home at just after 5pm I just did not try really and stuck a penguin bar in my mouth, then when I got back from JJ's concert I had my tea, minus the salad and ate some chocolate after too.

I spent the drive to bible study obsessing about what I could buy to eat to take with me for us all. I managed to avoid the shops and got there with nothing, to find chocolate flapjack on the table (along with satsumas for me -they do try to help me! bless) but of course I went for some flapjack and then a satsuma for good measure.

As always I pondered not telling my food sponsor about how weak I am at times, but that defeats the object and I only lie to myself. So here I am confessing all and repenting and praying that I will be able to manage to be abstinent from now.

I hate this disease, I do not want to be controlled by food anymore and I hate being so weak to it.

Yay, celebrate!

I think the chair I listened to last night at my meeting has got through to me. She was saying that you get out of this program what you put in and that we should not over complicate things. Just abstain one day at a time and it will all fall into place by the grace of God.

Well, I am celebrating my first 24 hours of proper 301 abstinence.

Today I have had - porridge and banana for breakfast. Vege soup and 3 ryvita with cheese for lunch, tea was homemade potato and onion flan with salad and after some yoghurt with prunes. I have actually really enjoyed my food today and not felt hungry at all.

Of course I have thought about food many times, I am a food addict after all but I am pleased to say that with God by my side I have been able to not pick it up.

Now for the challenge I have a friend coming over to watch a girlie DVD now and I must keep away form the food whilst she is here! I will report tomorrow. I will now go and say a quick prayer.

Am I making any progress?

I have been asking myself this question the last couple of days and really I have no answer. I would like to think that I am making progress and taking steps in my recovery from the disease of compulsive overeating but then some of my behaviours around food are still so illogical that I wonder. I am definitely not putting my abstinence from poor eating behaviours first yet and this shows me there is still a very long way for me to go... it is a journey. I remember as a young child asking 'are we nearly there yet?' and my Mum would tell me 'every step is a step closer' and I think that really applies here. Every mistake I make and every tiny bit of progress I make will all make a difference in a big way one day. I just need to keep working my program, handing things over to God and believing that one day the miracle will happen to me too.

I went to my ED meeting tonight and it was a very good one, we had a chair (which is where someone shares their own story in the hope of helping others). The lady that shared tonight was fab and her story was so alike mine in many ways. It has made me start to think about a number of relevant things - first going on a diet as instructed by the doctor at age 11 - I was only a size 10, not that enormous! Bigger than my peers yes, but not crazy big!

I also remember being off school with my Mum and the main thing I remember is having fish finger sandwiches together. I have no idea what we did on those days off but I know what we ate - how telling is that?

The lady spoke about how much her sponsor had helped her and that at first she could not believe that someone really did not mind her calling and asking loads of crazy/ silly questions and this is where I am right now. I do not have a full sponsor and I wonder how anyone will want to listen to my self-absorbed witterings on a regular basis. I need to get out to other meetings and see is anyone is willing to sponsor me.

I shared at the meeting tonight that I went to aqua aerobics last night and afterwards rewarded myself with a chocolate chip shortbread. In fact if I am honest that was the only thing that got me out at 8.15pm on a dark and dreary night - the lure of yummy food! My food sponsor shared with me that if I can not trust myself not to indulge when I go to aqua that I actually need to miss it for a few weeks until I have given over my will enough to God that I can resist. This was a real revelation to me, I had no idea but it does make sense now I think about it.

She also said that anything I put on my food plan in the morning, I must make sure I eat and not try not to have it to avoid calories. Doing so is generally a false economy as I then feel hungry before my next meal and am tempted to pick.

So I know what I have to do - 3 meals in the day, keep the food within the meal time and not try to hang out the pudding so it becomes a snack rather than part of the meal and lastly I need to avoid situations where I think I will be tempted to eat. This may mean to exercise or cinema or going out but we are only talking a month or so, so not the rest of my life! I do need to get a handle on this eating and after 6 months of being in the program I ought to start making a bit more progress really.

So please Lord help me to be willing to do the above. teach me to be kind to myself and help those around me to be understanding of my needs around food. Amen

A few good days

I am feeling pretty happy right now. I have had a couple of really good days. I met a friend in recovery on Thursday and that has been such a great help to me. Thursday and Friday I did what my meetings term as 301 - 3 meals a day, nothing in between and taking 1 day at a time. My food sponsor is also such an inspiration to me, giving me such invaluable advice and coaching each day. I think that is wonderful that someone is willing to give me 10 minutes every day to help me along the road to recovery. One day I will be able to offer that help to someone else and that is why this program of fellowship works. Have you seen the film 'pay it forward'? No, you should it is such a feel good film and if everyone worked that system in real life we would have no problems. Such an idealist! lol

The new meeting I have been going to the last few weeks also has lady there who could be a potential sponsor. I need to have a chat with her and take things as they come. I have accepted that God was obviously shutting the door to the treatment centre that I called. There must be other people who need it more........ but that is OK as I am doing fine right now and all I have to focus on is today. It is when I start to project and worry ahead that things go tits up!