Slow down, enjoy our time...

Morning all, Just to say I am feeling so much better today. I went to hospital yesterday but did not need the op as I had naturally miscarried mostly and then the doctor was able to remove the rest, including the tissue that would of been my babe so that has gone off for a cremation after some analysis. Although this physical aspect does not matter so much to me as I know my unborn babe is in Heaven already.I received some amazing flowers yesterday from Church and all my friends and virtual friends have been so supportive, thanks.

Below is a circular email I received recently and I find it really pertinent right now. A gentle reminder than life can be short and we must enjoy it while we are here. Enjoy...

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever watched kids

On a merry-go-round?

Or listened to the rain

Slapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight?

Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

You better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Do you run through each day

On the fly?

When you ask How are you?

Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done

Do you lie in your bed

With the next hundred chores

Running through your head?

You'd better slow down

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last.

Ever told your child,

We'll do it tomorrow?

And in your haste,

Not seen his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,

Let a good friendship die

Cause you never had time

To call and say,'Hi'

You'd better slow down.

Don't dance so fast.

Time is short.

The music won't last..

When you run so fast to get somewhere

You miss half the fun of getting there.

When you worry and hurry through your day,

It is like an unopened gift....

Thrown away.

Life is not a race.

Do take it slower

Hear the music

Before the song is over.

Bathtime from hell, my awful night

Ohh it all kicked off last night. Things were fine during the day, I ended up enjoying my time to myself and got loads done towards planning the garage conversion. Then off I went and picked up JJ, the girls and dh and came home and all was fine until about 6pm when I started to get some period like pains.

It was nothing too much at first, so I took some paracetamol at 6pm and at about 6.20m dh went off to lead cubs and I was happy for him to go out. By about 6.45pm I needed to get the girls to bed and I was in agony, I wanted to cry, I could hardly move and I had these two little princesses who were not being naughty by any means but wanted to have fun and play with Mum, I just could not deal with it. I was so proud of how I kept my calm and explained Mummy was very poorly and they needed to help me by doing as they were told - what beauties, it was as if they understood at 2 3/4 years that this was serious and they needed to listen. So I got them bathed and into PJs and read one story and had to ask JJ to read the other as I had to head to the loo for the first of many, many trips. JJ was a trooper and read to them and then got himself showered and joined me on my bed ('Mummy why are you lying on that towel?') and read me a story, in between my 7 trips to the loo in the space of about 20 minutes.

Dh came home about 8.20pm to find me on the bed in agony and hardly able to talk. I felt sick as a dog and could not get a comfy position. I missed all the TV I wanted to watch last night as I just could not concentrate. The sweats came and went and I was convinced I would pass out at any time. I forced myself to eat a slice of toast to help with the sickness and at 9pm I called the hospital to see if I could take mefanamic acid as the paracetamol had just not touched the pain. Thankfully they said yes and by 10pm the pain was subsiding and I managed to fall asleep. I had a night of up and downs to the loo but at least I could sleep in between.

I was up early this morning to have finished my breakfast by 7am in case I need the operation later. I am now nil by mouth until about 4pm this afternoon. It might be that I do not need the op though as I have now passed an awful lot naturally. Apparently the pain I was feeling was my uterus contracting, now I think thank goodness I have never given birth vaginally if it hurts like that.

So today is starting a much better day, I can talk and think and move without too much pain - yay. Thank you lord.

Thanks also to all the lovely people leaving me comments or texting me with well wishes.

It is hitting me today

A message to those who know me, this is not a particularly cheerful post, if it will upset you do not read it but it is helping me to write things down and get them out so I will continue to post about sad stuff as well as good stuff. Fundamentally I will be fine, I am sad but all will be well so no need for you to be sad too. Mich x

I have dropped JJ to breakfast club, dh to the station and the girls off to nursery and now I have the day to myself. My op is not until tomorrow now and the way things are going (slowly) I assume I will make it in there to have the operation.

Things are sinking in today - on the way back from nursery I stopped at Asda to fill up the car and buy some sanitary pads. I think that set me off, how sad to have to buy maternity pads when there is no baby to come home. I went to buy the girls a new cup each and some tangle free shampoo for Miss E and of course this was all in the baby section so there I was looking at things for babes and realising I do not need those. I walked around Asda with a massive lump in my throat and feeling sick and thinking it is just not fair to have morning sickness and not actually be carrying a live baby anymore. Luckily I caught myself having this kind of unhelpful thought and reminded myself that grieving is fine but irrational self-pity will get me nowhere. All that was running through my mind though was 'I want my baby'. Sadly, that is not to be.

I had a good old cry on the drive home from the shops, I suppose being alone today gives me time to think and to feel free to express myself. It is hard to be sad in front of your kids or at work so this may have kept me going the last couple of days. On the drive home I drove past the hospital (probably a silly mistake) and realised I would be in there tomorrow and would again probably be very sad.

I realised I am now grieving for the loss of this baby, I had really wanted the babe and had planned out in my mind the next year or so and was looking forward to time off work and my girls starting nursery school and me being there for their half days. A glorious couple of hours to myself each day with my babe, feeding and cuddling. I don't think dh and I will actually try for another baby because as I have said before logically and financially 3 is enough for us really and I also keep wondering if I ought to give up work and be at home with the children more. Would they develop into better young children if I was here to give them more time and guidance? It is not necessarily what I want but I think it may be what God is calling me too. If only we could wave a magic wand and dh would earn £10K more but I know that as Christians we have to be willing to walk in faith and that if me giving up work is the right thing then we should trust that God will provide and do the scary thing first and watch things turn out just fine - as that is often the way it works with God.

So I am off now to hang out the washing and do some cleaning I expect I may be back later.

2pm update, just had a fish finger sandwich and feeling quite a lot better. Upstairs all cleaned, tided, beds changed and floors hoovered and now going to have an hour to myself until I pick up my gorgeous little man from school.

Coping or masking?

I am back at work today and colleagues that know what has happened have commented that I appear to be coping really well on the outside. I have just been out for my lunch break and whilst walking round the shops it got me thinking 'How am I coping', 'Am I really coping at all?' I sort of don't feel anything at all at the moment, except resigned to the fact that there is no babe and that the next few days will be unpleasant as I either have the op or lose the baby naturally (I expect it might go this way as things have already started to progress if you know what I mean).

The first thing that struck me is that in ED they always talk about us compulsive overeaters avoiding any kind of feelings and emotions by eating to stifle them and whilst I have not been on a mega binge or anything I had been using my pregnancy as free reign to eat what I fancied, including all the foods I know have no nutritional value and are just in my diet as they sooth me!

So I sort of came to the conclusion that because I am not abstinent from eating compulsively I am probably not working this through as thoroughly as I should be. People keep telling me to grieve and I do not feel a need to at the moment - is this very hard-hearted?

I know that once the procedure is over and I stop feeling pregnant (I still have morning sickness right now) I have to focus on getting myself back on track with my eating. I allowed myself to put on half a stone whilst pregnant, so that needs to go. Until I can clear my head I do not have perspective on the things that happen in my life, I know this to be true and I trust that God will help me when the time is right for me to listen and obey.

Here I am eating a Nandos for my lunch as I feel I deserve something nice as I am also going through something unpleasant and I also bought myself a new suit for work at lunchtime. Yes it was a bargain at £20.99 in the M&S outlet clearance area but lets be honest it is just another way of me masking what should be feeling painful. (Mum you can give me your opinion on Friday).

When you think about these things logically you have to laugh at me and how strange I am. I was waiting to collect dh yesterday from his train and instead of taking some time to be, I choose to run off and clean the bathroom as I was home and it needed doing. Doing and not being yet again!

So this is where I am at right now, in a nothing place. I know things will get better and that things happen for a reason, I am just not privy to that reason right now. I am eternally grateful that this has happened after my two successful pregnancies and that it has happened now rather than at a much later stage in the pregnancy. I remain blessed with my great children, dh and wider family.

My Sad Day

I am feeling sad today and kind of empty inside but technically that is not true as I still have a babe inside me but just not a living one to be born into our family.

I had some bleeding over the weekend and pain this morning and my cervix just did not feel right. I expect many people have no idea what their cervix should feel like but after charting my ovulation symptoms for a couple of years before the girls I got good at knowing my bodily changes. Anyway after about 3 hours at the doctors and then at the hospital in the early pregnancy unit I had a scan and found out my babe passed at 7+5. I should of been near 11 weeks today, so this was a little while back. It feels completely strange as I was just getting used to this babe becoming part of our family and thinking about all the changes that would come about.

At the moment I am in the painful place of waiting to see if I will miscarry naturally and scared about how much this might hurt and whether anything I pass will be recognisable (I am sorry if this is too gory for you). If nothing has happened within the next couple of days I am booked in for an operation under general anesthetic to have the babe removed. I am not looking forward to that but the prospect of just leaving this to go on for potentially weeks is just too much for me to shoulder.

Dh has been a wonderful support and came straight home from work to be with me, of course this is his loss too and I must be mindful of that. I think to be honest the biggest thing on his mind at the moment is ensuring I am well. I was over the moon to pick JJ up from school today and give him a massive hug and then to collect the girls too for a squeeze and nose kiss. We all went into town for tea and to enjoy an hour together.

I have not really cried much, I expect I will at some point. Just when I do not want to the urge will hit me and embarrass me in public I expect. I do not suppose there is a way you are supposed to feel when something like this happens but I am not as mortified as I would expect. Yes I am mourning the loss of my babe that I will never meet, the one I hoped would be a boy called Samuel Noah. The can did reveal it was just one babe I was carrying, that had been my biggest fear until today, having twins. Now of course I realise my biggest fear should of been something quite different.

Logically dh and I know that three kids really is enough for us and that it is just the right amount of children for us to be really great parents to. When out and about one parent has JJ and one has the girls and everyone feels included and we have time to spend alone with each of them. Another child may of upset this balance and someone could of ended up being marginalised, of course this would not of been on purpose but I could have foreseen it happening to some extent.

I think that is enough wittering for today, I am sure I will be back to pour out some more of my heart when it hits me further.

Little things lift my spirit, well done JJ!

I am feeling very happy with my big boy right now. We have been doing some serious work over the last couple of weeks to try and restore him to the kind, considerate and polite little boy that he once was. Somewhere in the last year or so he had lost the ability to say 'please' and had totally forgotten that 'Thank you' was part of his vocabulary. It also appeared in 'World JJ' to be OK to argue with and correct your parents. To say I had had enough of this was an understatement!

So the work started, without the word please, whatever he had asked for was denied for at least an hour - that sure had the desired effect and we also had some frank conversations about respect and how lucky he was with all the days out and treats he received. Daddy got quite cross and explained that not everything in life was for fun and that some things were serious, like the swim lessons he starts tomorrow. In fact Daddy told him that if he did not take the swim lessons seriously any fun clubs that he normally attends would be cancelled until the end of summer and dh meant it!

Anyway enough of what we have been doing, the reason I feel so lifted today is that I have been starting to see the pay back over the last couple of days.

Yesterday at bedtime Miss M realised she had left her black dolly (her favourite) at nursery and that she could not go to bed with her. In comes JJ with his Butlins bear and consoles her that she can borrow him. Then before Miss E has time to whine about it (and you know she would have) in he comes again to the girls bedroom with his Haven bear for her. Two calm and happy young ladies and one boy with a big kiss from Mummy.

Then today when I picked him up from school I went to see his teacher, she is covering and does not really know JJ. His normal teacher is stuck in Oz with all these flight delays. I tell her that JJ has a chart normally to monitor is calling out and talking out of turn and how has he been this week and she tells me he has been great, no problem at all. Wow, what a change, normally after 2 weeks off and being spoilt seeing Nanny, going on holiday etc he comes back a nightmare, live-wired and without the ability to calm down and take turns etc. This time is different! yay

Lastly today he has a little friend round and I offer the biscuits and he says 'you can choose first Charlotte'. Completely unheard of, I was gob-smacked and he got a lot of praise.

So a big well done to my gorgeous young man. You make Mummy very happy. xx

A week in the life of Mich (babies, nits and bits!)

I have become very slack with my blogging of late, I take a 6 week break and expect to come back to it full of gusto and a million and one posts in my head and instead I am enjoying living my life! Now, that is not to say that those of you who blog lots are not, blogging for you is obviously a more integral part of what makes you happy than it is for me.

So to try and capture some of the things that I have wanted to blog about but have been too busy, here is a week in the life of Mich.... (with a revelation - keep reading!)

Wednesday 14th April
We have been at Spring Harvest (massive Christian festival at Butlins, Skegness) since Sunday and we are all having a ball. JJ is enjoying his kids club, Powerpack and the girls are heading off to their nursery class with no tears or moans - joy! I have been going to the Activist zone each day and we have been discovering what it takes to be a Christian in today's society; our need to be distinctly different but in a good way! The worship here is amazing and I am really enjoying praising God and taking time to be with dh, the kids and God.

I think dh and I have been convinced of our need to find a Church closer to our home when we were asked what was the best thing about the Church we attend and we both struggled to answer that! So the next few months will be a time of exploration to find a new spiritual home where there is a really strong local community feel.

Thursday 15th April
The girls God Parents were also at Spring Harvest on this same week so we met up with them today and it was lovely to have some time catching up and playing with the girls all together. Then in the evening I went to the service with them and really enjoyed the live atmosphere rather than watching the service on the TV which is what I had done the other nights while I looked after the kids and was too pooped to move from the couch!

Friday 16th April
Time to head home today but not before we have our final celebratory service. This was the first time dh and I had some alone time together this week and it reminded me that I missed being out with him and enjoying his company. I was pretty over whelmed at this service and found myself singing my heart out to 'Glorious' and 'Faith is rising' while booing my eyes out! Not because I was sad but it felt like a real release, I think I was touched and filled with the Holy Spirit (probably too much info for any non Christians reading - freak alert!, believe me that was what I used to think, lol).

Saturday 17th April
This could be named the weekend of washing and ironing! I did at least 12 loads of washing and ironed it all over Saturday and Sunday nights, which felt good afterwards but already the rail is re-filling itself again! agghh

We decided that it was a luxury to have dh home on a Saturday and the weather was fantastic so we should not waste it. At St Albans Cathedral we had a picnic and then headed to see the ducks and for a play in the park. After a tad of shopping it was time to head home but we all had a lovely family day together and for absolutely minimal cost.

Sunday 18th April
Church this morning as I was on creche, the girls protested about going as they wanted to go to the 'big holiday church', it was great to hear they had such a fab time at Spring Harvest too.

We had a nice relaxing day really with Church, lunch cooked by my mother in law and another trip to the park.



Monday 19th April
Busy day!! Back to work which I was not at all looking forward to as we have a new HR system coming into play and we are starting to parallel run but seeing as it has not been properly tested we are also testing at the same time. Complete balls up is the best way to describe it!

I was happy to have a lunchtime appointment for my booking in appointment with the midwife. Yep I am pregnant again! Whoops, how did that happen? Well of course I know but I had stupidly convinced myself that God did not want dh and I to have any more kids and that three really was enough! not so, number four is on its way (well I pray it is only number four and not four and five, there is about a 1 in 12 chance of me having twins again!). Roll on 6 May when I have my scan and will know how many babies I am currently cooking. So I am about 10 weeks pregnant and my due date is about mid November but this could all chance as I really can not swear that I even had a period in February. I had got so busy and pre-occupied that I forgot to track it! So now I have revealed the real reason why my blogging has been so poor since being back after Lent - I have been knackered, feeling sick and wanting to talk about my PG. You may never get me off here again now! lol

After returning to work for just half hour I then get the call I always dread - the nursery. 'Oh what now?' I am thinking. This time Miss E has head lice - err my gorgeous babe with the beautiful hair and then I realise I have been scratching too - yuck. I leave work immediately and luckily dh is home with JJ so I drop the girls home and £20.50 later I return from the chemist (how expensive is it to have nits nowadays????) and treat us all to some lovely oily treatment. I am still not convinced everything is gone but the nit comb shows no signs of the nasties and it will become my best friend from now onwards. I will be 'Nitty Nora' checking the kids each week.

A word of warning to those unwise people like me, Headrin stains your clothes. JJ's and my tops could be heading for the bin!

Not content with my eventful day so far I venture out to meet the ladies from my Church House Group. It is a social so basically I stuff my face with nice munchies and we have a good laugh playing a quiz game called Buzz on the PS3 - what fun!

So there you have it, a week in the life of me, never boring!

Notes from the Heart.......

Dear newly engaged workmates (both of you!),

I have to be honest and say that I am feeling totally envious of your big sparkly platinum set solitaire diamond rings that are far far bigger than mine. I do not know why I am feeling like this but I do realise it is stupid. However let me make this clear, I am so so happy for you both and wish you years of happiness.

From the one who needs to be far less possessions driven!

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To the weather,

I love you; it is warm and sunny today, the kids are on the new trampoline and it lifts my heart.

Happy sunny Mich x

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To the Spring Harvest Staff,

We can not wait to see you on Sunday, our weeks holiday should be amazing if it is anything like last year. We are so looking forward to this time of family, fun, friends and worship.

All the family xx

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To my urge to eat constantly,

Please go away and leave me in peace. I am getting fatter by the day and it is making me feel a bit down. I do feel totally powerless at the moment to get a grip on my eating. I know some of it is outside my control and is situation driven but I am sure some of it is my sick head, saying 'go on, you can have it'.

Shelly welly with the fat belly!

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Hiya Kids,

I just want to say thanks for trying hard to behave and play nicely together, I know it is hard when you are all home but Mummy really appreciates you trying hard for her.

I love you all, Mummy xx

PS - JJ that was so cute that you tried to hang my washing out for me this morning, bless you babe.

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Howdy, Lent is over

Hey all, How are you? Have you missed me? naahh I know your life is very busy.

I have not returned to blogging with any witty post that I have been thinking up over the last 6 weeks I am afraid. I have just come back as me, sentimental old fool that I am. Before I took my Lent break I was getting very tied up in this blogging lark. The ugly competitive side of me had come out and I was worrying about how many people followed my blog, who liked me and who didn't. Should I be on Twitter each day? How do I improve my readership? How many blogs am I subscribed to? etc etc. The resulting obsessed Mich was not really a person I liked too much.

So here I am back with a sound mind again. Blogging is something I will do when I feel like it and primarily I do it for me and any close family and friends who know me and like to keep up with our family's life. If I gain some new friends along my blogging journey that is wonderful but no longer will I be a 'comments whore', someone out for acknowledgment or affirmation of every little thing they write.

I am sure I must have said before that I hold no secret desire to be a writer and therefore there is no reason why I need a big readership of this blog. I have to love me for being me and not because people think my blog is good enough to be on their list. At my ED group they always talk about 'other people's opinions of me being no business of mine' and that is so right and I will do well to remember it.

So my 6 weeks absence has been far easier than I thought it would be. The first couple of weeks were very hard and I admit I did leave 1 comment and log onto my blog 2 or 3 times to see if I had any new followers - yes sad I know! but the last 4 weeks or so have been pretty easy and I have really enjoyed the extra time with my kids and hubbie. So that has affirmed to me my decision to blog when I want to and not when I feel I should. It was only yesterday evening that i realised that Lent was over and I could blog if I wanted and as you can see I did not run to the PC and post. I decided to enjoy a DVD with my man instead.

Some great stuff has been going on for me and the family the last few weeks and I will post more about that another time. My marriage course is over now and that has been an amazing experience and has definitely bought dh and I closer. I also have some preoccupying news which I will share soon.

My 10 Most Surreal Mummy Moments!

Wow, I have been a Mummy for 6 1/4 years now. That is a long time! but not half as long as I hope to be a Mummy for - perhaps at least another 60 years... and maybe I will get to see a Grandchild or two. That just makes me giggle like a little girl, me a Granny - no I can't believe it.

The Mummy Bloggers Carnival over At Wives and Daughters has got me thinking about all the surreal moments that we have as parents. Things we never dreamt we would do or things that just would not happen to us. We are too cool, too detached or just plain too embarrassed for that! Nope, I have now realised us Mummies have no shame - we will do whatever we need to to ensure our babes are safe and as well bought up as can be. Their happiness is our holy grail.

So here are my top 10 surreal mummy moments -

1. Receiving a birthday card for my 30th Birthday from Dennis the Menace, AKA my Bump which of course is now JJ. This was so wonderful as my dh is not one of the emotional types but somehow he had tuned into just how special this first pregnancy was for me.

2. Having a crash section under general and waking an hour later to find dh and JJ cuddling and bonding. I found it so traumatic to be out of it whilst he was born that when I came around I was woozy and did not feel the instant love I thought I would. Turn the clock 48 hours forward and I have had no sleep (yep NO sleep) and I still have JJ at my boob, I have not put him down as yet and all of a sudden I look at him and think 'I have fallen in love with him'. It rates in my top 5 moments of my life.

3. Being in hospital before the birth of my twins as I had pre-eclampsia and the breastfeeding counsellor managing to convince me that expressing my colostrum for the babes would be a great idea. Have you ever done this? Don't. OUUCCHH! Using a syringe to catch those precious drips of gold as this strange woman massages my boobs!

4. After the birth of the twins, seeing these two perfect babes snuggled up together in their tiny see-through hospital cot. They used to snuggle in and hold hands. Ohh it makes me go gooey.

5. Tandem feeding two tiny babies, my boobs were bigger than their heads. I am sat propped up the hospital bed and my door is open and all these visitors are walking past and there are both boobs on show to the world! oh dear, the shame...

6. Going shopping without the babies and still pushing that trolley back and forwards, back and forwards. I don't want the invisible baby to cry!

7. Running out the house for a doctors appointment a couple of weeks after the birth of the twins. JJ strapped in, one of the twins is strapped in and whoops, look in the rear view mirror - where is the other? Oh inside in her cot still. Bad, bad Mummy.

8. The fact that I love my kids so much. I never wanted children, I always hated kids, I never babysat, I never even held a baby until JJ was born. Then all of a sudden this hard-arse woman turns into a mountain of goo. How amazing is it when they first smile at you, giggle, stroke your face, say Mummy or tell you they 'lub you'?

9. The first parents evening! That was so scary and then they told us he was OK, he was a bright boy, a bit slow on the social development but very smart none the less. Whoopie!

10. Helping my big boy learn to ride his bike without stabilisers. He was 'King of the Bikes' and I was 'Queen Mummy' for a day. We both felt so proud and it is a very special bond between us now.

So there are my top 10 surreal mummy moments for now.

My own advice to my self-pitying self today!

I came onto the PC this morning as I have nothing much planned today and as Mum is here to supervise the kids, I thought what better time than now to catch up with some of my favourite blogs and to think about my 10 most surreal mummy moments. An hour of mummy time - bliss.

However, I am now feeling all sad. This happens to me sometimes, I am on a high and feeling good about the world (dh and I had a wonderful time at our marriage course last night. I'll post about it another time) and then one tiny thing can make it feel like it has all come tumbling down. I know it is crazy and illogical but I suppose you just can not tell what will affect you. For someone who appears so robust to the outside world I am a fragile little flower inside. Shall I let you into a secret? and it is not one I am proud of - I want to be liked and I want to be part of the gang. Anyone else suffer from this affliction?

Logically I have no idea why. I have lots of good real life friends, loads of fab virtual friends, great parents, a hubby I love, super kids etc but still I want to be liked and to fit in. I remember how hard I found the playground mummy gangs at first when JJ started going to school 3 years ago. I would worry they were meeting without me and yes occasionally people were. Why? because they knew each other pre-school or because I was at work. It took me about 2 years to realise that I actually did not have the time to become part of their gang and do all the things they did. That would mean I would not see my other friends, the ones I actually have loads in common with the enjoy spending time with. So now I have a great balance, I get invited to things and sometimes I go and sometimes I don't but we are always friendly.

But today...............I am feeling like the unpopular girl at school. This blogging world is still all new to me, I am just getting into twitter, BMB, commenting on others blogs, doing meme's, getting awards and recently entering my first carnivals. On the one hand it is thoroughly exciting and on the other I feel as if I am setting myself up to get hurt.

Now, this post is by no means on the theme of cliques or bloggers not being nice to me. Let me be clear everyone has been very nice to me (see my thank you post), not one bad word has been muttered in my direction. Loads of encouragement has been received and already I feel as if I have made a couple of friends. I know that this sadness I have today is internal, it is only generated by me. It is from that slushy emotional self that I can not seem to control. If I spoke to anyone in my ED group they would probably tell me it is because I am not working my program and that the addict in me is on self-destruct mode, that if I can get abstinent and refrain from compulsive over-eating that my perspective will return. Then I might have Christian friends telling me this is spiritual attack, that the devil wants to steal my joy and crush the good in my life so I turn to the bad. Both groups might have a point but ultimately I know that I just need to turn things over to God and get a grip! You are only as unhappy as you chose to be. Wake up and smile and choose to be happy and do not dwell on the crap. That is my own advice to my self-pitying self today!

Shall I tell you now, why I feel sad? It is because I did not make it into the current Mummy Bloggers Carnival. I know - life shattering stuff hey! I feel as if I put myself out there and submitted my first post for a carnival and then I did not get a mention. Some of the problem is that I do not really know the way they work. I saw Insomniac Mummy's great carnival and it had nearly 60 posts and was really inclusive and I thought 'ohh, I would like to be part of that'. So I submitted a post for this one and just 25 are in this one (I have no idea how many were submitted or what the norm is) and mine is not one of them and that is fine as I know I do not write anywhere near as well as many, many other bloggers but I just wonder how they were chosen. Does the host choose to their own criteria - the posts they like best, those with the most comments, those that fit a theme, pot luck?

So what did I expect? I suppose as a minimum I would just expect an email back saying 'sorry you did not make it into this carnival, try again next time'....... but maybe I am just being a whiny baby and should get a life and forget it. This post is not meant as a dig to the current host it is just me getting it off my chest.

So I leave you feeling much better that I have got all this out. After all that was the reason I started this blog initially to ensure that I did not internalise too much and dwell on it. I can now enjoy the last day of my 'at home holiday'.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. Go on be honest with me - have I taken this too personally?

Notes from the Heart....

Yesterday I mentioned Kat and her great Dear So and So posts. I thought I would try my own:

Dear Beautiful Twinnies,

Mummy is so happy that you have taken to potty training and that we have now been about a week without any accidents outside of the house. You are such clever little girls.

Keep it up, love you Mummy xxx
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Dear Miss M,

I love you, I adore you but sometimes you make me so mad. Please will you stop testing my patience and throwing yourself to the floor when you do not get your way. It is embarrassing to have to carry you round the shops by your reigns and look like the recipient of a bad mother award!

Your Exhausted and frazzled Mum
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Dear dh,

I am really looking forward to starting our course tomorrow night. It will be great to spend some 'us time' together and I am secretly hoping all this talking and sharing might lead to some post course cuddles, *wink wink!*

Love you babe, Mich x
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Right Little Man,

You need to listen to your Mummy (and teacher) more! You are so intelligent and high maintenance that I just can not keep up with your demands for attention. I have no idea how to discipline you any more, it is not as if you get away with murder. What do I need to do to get you to listen and calm down?

Your Mummy (who will always love you no matter what!) xxx
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Dear Sun Holidays,

You are really sh**e and I am never booking with you again.

Goodbye, disgruntled customer
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Dear Table, Table Restaurant,

We had a fab meal earlier and the girl serving us was great but why did it take you 20 minutes to take my money when we had two tired 2 year olds causing mayhem? Have you ever wondered why you do not get any tips???

Yours sincerely, Customer with the full belly
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Colleagues at work,

Ha, Ha I am off all this week. Ner ner ner ner!

From your childish Team Leader!
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Dear Weather,

We are planning a family day to London at the end of this week. Could you please play ball and keep the snow and rain away.

I am so over the snow! Michelle
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Dear Mr Morrisons, Sainsburys, Tesco et al,

Please, please could you stop stocking ALL yummy food. I have a problem with food and need to stop eating it (well not all of it, but the useless calories) and your shelves keep whispering sweet nothings at me is not what I need

From the Fat Pig in Herts
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Dear Readers,

It is such a pleasure getting to know you.

Grateful, Mummy from the Heart.....

The Thank Yous.....

I don't have any great fun way to say this, I wish I did but like always all I can do is be me and be honest. When you are at Uni or in sales or marketing or anything like that they always talk about your USP (unique selling point) and you can probably tell that I have never given mine for this blog much thought. I suppose the overriding factor of this blog is that I am honest and very open and that I do not fluff over things. If things are crap I will spell it out. I secretly wish I could be like some other bloggers and be witty and creative in my writing but lets be honest I never even took English at GCSE, this is the girl who preferred to do drama!

This blog was created as an outlet for me and created on a whim, then not used for a year! I find writing this blog completely therapeutic and in the last month I have found it very consuming as well, as I learn about all the things to do with Mummy blogging and get to know loads of wonderful new people.

So what am I wittering about here? I just want to say thank you really to lots of people and this is my way of doing so....

Sticky Fingers, Tara
Thank you for writing a blog which inspired me to be a mummy blogger rather than just a depressed overeater writing her own self-indulgent diary.

House of Twins, Jo
Thanks for being a real life twin mummy friend and for being my first (and for about a year only! lol) google follower.

It's a Mummy's Life, Holly
Thank you for being you. I feel as if I get you and you visit me regularly. That rocks!

Young and Younger, Heather and Two {become} four (is it Rebbecca?)
Thank you for being superstar twin mummies and both awarding me the lovely Sunshine award, thus making my weekend! Twin Mums rock!

Little Mummy, Erica
Thanks for your great e-bloggers course that she is sending me - for free! You can get it to if you like.

Crystal Jigsaw
Thanks for being super friendly to me and giving me helpful tips when I first dipped my toe into the sea that is twitter (I am still only ankle deep!)

The Mad House, Jen
Thanks for having wonderful creative ideas and sharing them too. Still loving those lolly flowers for valentines

The Life of the Twenty Something Mum, Claire
Thanks for tagging me for a meme when I was still very new on the scene and being really sweet and kind to me when she was having a tough bloggy time herself.

3 Bedroom Bungalow to let In Crazy Town, Kat
Dear Kat, I have only just found your blog recently but already your Dear so and so posts have made my belly hurt from laughing! Thanks, Mich x

Bringing up Charlie, The Dotterel AKA Tim
Thanks for including me in a blog post to encourage others to check out new blogs (namely mine!), thanks also for being a super friendly Daddy blogger.

To all the other people who subscribe to my blog and leave me great comments. You make my day! Thanks.

So, all you wonderful people above, consider yourself tagged for this Sunshine Award (if you have not been already). You and your blogs are inspirational and fill my world with Sunshine. I look forward to seeing who you tag and maybe discovering a new blog or two. I have also just sat here for 30 minuets or so and tracked back where this award came from and that has been an interesting journey with some new finds. Amazing how an award moves across the blogsphere!

Here are the rules for accepting this little slice of sunshine award -
• Put the Logo on your sidebar, or within a post.
• Pass the award onto 12 Bloggers that you think are ace.
• Link the nominees within your post.
• Let the nominees know they have received this award by commenting on their blog.
• Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award.

A lucky Escape...

I was still mourning the loss of my weekend away last night when finally Mum and I made the decision that we would definitely not go to Pontins for the cheapo break. I am so glad we did not bother. I have just found some reviews and not really one of them says anything good, it looks like we had a lucky escape....and of course the lovely Mummy and Daddy gave me back my money so I am not out of pocket, thank you.

Anyway onto more positive things, I am totally enjoying having my holiday at home. I think as we went away to Mum and Dad's for a couple of days and I had to come back and unpack today it really felt as thought we were coming on holiday here. Mum and I drove up and started playing the game 'ohh the chalet looks nice', 'yes drive out the front and a garden at the back', 'Wow, look at the size of that TV', 'and kids toys here already - result!'. We jumped on the beds 'very nice' commented Mum and we run the water and turned the heating on. All the things I do when I get to a self catering holiday venue. Yes I am very pleasantly surprised with this particular holiday home.

We then kept with the holiday theme and after unpacking took the kids out on a bus (the first time for me in years - it costs a bomb!) and into town for a Maccy D's tea. I have bought some craft bits for some fun tomorrow and Mum and I enjoyed an Indian take away once the kid all went off to bed (beautifully as the beds were so familiar! lol).

I am determined not to come on here too much (as I would not have a PC on a real holiday) and also I am not going to do any proper cleaning until Wednesday and my Mum goes home. I will try and do exactly what we would do if on holiday. Forget my surroundings and delight in my kids. So you might not see me much in the next few days and if you do politely tell me to p**s off please!

My Ugly Valentine!

Let me take you back to 1994, I was a mere 20, about 3 dress sizes smaller, I had no lines and I was getting ready to finish my first degree. It is Easter and I am so excited as I am flying to Gran Canaria on my own to meet my boyfriend of 5 years. He is already out there working and setting things up for us so that I can join him for a summer of love as soon as I finish my finals. No point in him staying in cold blighty just waiting for me to do my studying? right, so off he goes in February to work in a club as a bar man and share a place with a friend who lives out there.

Now this is a man or should I say boy, lets call him Mr Bald Dreamer (there are numerous names I could choose for him but I like to keep my blog clean!) who has already done the dirty on me one or two times before and yes I stupidly took him back, who loves to flirt, who has lost all his money numerous times over, who lies habitually and is probably the most cheesy, friendly guy alive and I said 'yes, you go off and enjoy yourself and I will see you at Easter!' doh Can you guess where this is heading?

So I arrive in Gran Canaria and meet him (after carefully re-applying my lipstick and fluffing my hair) and I had that big reunion planned. You know the one you see on films, where the lovers run to each other and the man grabs the woman and swings her round. The world has stopped except for them and their love! No, reality check - we have a hug and a quick kiss and off we go to his car. He then informs me he has to work the whole 2 weeks I am there (every night!) but apparently that will be OK as we will have the days together, after he gets to bed at 4am that is....

I get back to his place and true to his form the first thing he wants to do is go to bed and it just is not anything special. That spark had gone, I was starting to get upset by now but holding it together that a true Brit. So off he goes to work that night and I stay in his apartment and watch some videos and read a book, apparently I can come to the bar and sit there like a sad sap if I fancy. After about 5 hours of being alone I go for the sad sap option and get all dressed up, determined to show him what he is missing. About to head off to the bar, I look at a pinboard in his room and there are loads of pictures of him with holiday makers, mostly girls but that is OK as that is the kind of guy he is. Then I see one and his arm is round her waist in exactly the way it used to be round my waist. I carefully study all the other pictures and yes they all show him with his arm around every other girls shoulders. So there she is, the new love! I am convinced of it. So convinced of it that the 20 year old me feels it is just to ramshackle his room and go through all his belongings including locked boxes. What do I find? tons of pictures and love letters from hundreds (I kid you not! and I have just had sex with this guy - stupid, stupid girl) of women and loads from this same woman who seems to think she is coming to spend the summer in Gran Canaria with him - hang on wasn't that my plan?

Now what would a rational person do at this point? Who knows, I can only tell you what I did. Off to the bar I went and befriended all the Spanish waiters, got very, very drunk and flirted lots. Then when he came round the bar for a kiss to do the manly territorial thing I slap him as hard as I can and throw a jug of beer over him. Can I hear you cheering? It felt really good, my heart had broken in half of course but I loved embarrassing him like that!

That was day 1 of a 2 week holiday, where we were supposed to share a room and bed! The rest of the holiday was a write off, his room mate came back to find me so pissed I was sat outside the apartments with my case packed convinced a taxi was coming to take me home. How different things would be nowadays if this happened, as a confident woman armed with a credit card I would just go home on the first plane but at age 20 with my first love in tatters I choose to stay and endure 2 weeks. My Mum tells me now of how agonising it was for her to hear me sob on the phone, hundreds of miles away.

The question I could never seem to get a decent answer to was why Mr Bald Dreamer just did not take the easy option and dump me over the phone, why make me come hundreds of miles and be all alone to deal with it.

The good news - it toughened me up, I did so much revision for my degree that I got a 2:1 and boy had I been slacking until that point, this lead to a good job which lead to me meeting my now husband in December of the same year, I also had the most fab tan and I became comfortable in my own company. So it was not all bad or ugly but it was definitely a defining moment in my life. It was the time I grew up most.

So where is Mr Bald Dreamer today? Who knows? I suppose I could google him as suggested by Its a Mummy's Life but I just can not be arsed if I am honest, he means zilch to me now. I have a wonderful man who I love and we have three amazing children who are a real mix of the two of us together. Only our special blend of love could of produced those kids and they are perfection!

So, this Valentines I will be spending it with my dh and we are starting a Christian based marriage course. Not because there is anything wrong with our marriage but because this provides us with 6 weeks of intimate dinners for 2 and the time and space to converse alone on some interesting subjects. I have heard from friends that it can be a really uplifting course and has taken their marriage to the next level..................... that I look forward to. I love you A. x

I'm having a holiday at home! and it cost me £105... bargain!

We were supposed to be going to Pontins tomorrow in Rye, Sussex and guess what? They have over a foot of snow there currently. I am supposed to be taking two 2 year olds and a 6 year old as well as my trusty helper (also known as Mum). I was so looking forward to 3 nights away with no men to pander to (come on lets be honest, as useful and lovely as they are they also take some looking after). Shopping, playing and having fun with 4 of my favourite people was going to be great but we are not going.

I am a complete woss when it comes to driving in the snow and seeing as the weather is supposed to continue to be crap there and I have now found out that Rye it is known for its strong north winds it seems crazy to drive 100 miles to perhaps spend the whole time in a budget room, sleeping on an uncomfy couch!

I booked one of the Sun deals to get this holiday, you know the one that claims it will just cost you £9.50 per person. Well this cost me £105 for 5 people when you start to add everything in and they tell me that if I do not come I can not have any money refunded, not even the linen that we will not use and they will not have to launder! doh. Why am I so diligent to pay in advance. If only I left the last £58 to pay when I got there. Lesson learnt. Lesson also learnt not to book a Sun holiday again, their online system kept crashing and took me 3 hours to book. In the end they charged me £49 x 3 and booked two duplicate holidays. This took me 12 emails which they have still never answered ! and 3 lengthy calls to Pontins to get sorted and all for nothing.

So we are at my parents at the moment and will stay here until Saturday morning and then as we were due to be away dh has booked to work and stay in London. So, me Mum and the kids will have a holiday at my house. I am looking forward to it really - not the £105 it cost me but I love the fact that I know the food is good, it is clean, there is a washing machine, a nice hot shower and good central heating - what more do I need? I have vowed to stay away from the cleaning until Mum leaves next Wednesday. We can just enjoy ourselves and go out and do all the things we would of done at Pontins. Not so long until we go to Butlins in April anyway - please Lord do not let there be snow in April!

Wordless Wednesday. A portrait of Mummy by JJ, 4.5 years

I love this drawing, it is well loved, very creased and even a little ripped now. It is normally on my wall at work but when I saw it there today I just knew I had to share with you all.

JJ drew this when he was 4.5 years and the twins were babies. I was forever saying I only have 2 hands as he always wanted things when I was busy, so he drew me a new Mummy with enough heads, arms and (bizarrely) belly buttons for all 3 of my kids.

Chasing Rainbows

God painted you a rainbow
the day that you received
His gift of love and hope and peace
the hour you first believed.

Just cling on to that rainbow
and hold his promise near
His joy will always be with you
to dry up every tear.

Each step along the journey
You'll have his hand to hold
keep your eyes fixed on that rainbow
until you reach the gold.

I was blown away when I heard this, it felt like such a powerful poem, written by a friend from Church. I knew instantly I had to share it with more people. My friend has such a talent and writes numerous poems, some simple and and beautiful like this and others wordy and complex. What do you think - does it appeal to non Christians too?

Last night I was very blessed to listen to someone do a talk on Chasing Rainbows. In a Christian context the rainbow is a sign of God's promises and it is something beautiful and positive. The talk was very much what I needed to hear and it reminded me that God has a plan for me and that all will be revealed in His time. He gives His gifts/ or fulfils His promises at the right time not at the time we believe is right. Sometimes we go through hardships or growing pains to be ready to receive the gift and sometimes it comes quickly. The knack is not to lose sight of the rainbow.

We were reminded that too many people focus on the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, when what we should do is enjoy each part of the rainbow and every day can be a blessing when you live in that moment and take time to look around you. I took this on board this morning and had a swim before work and I really enjoyed feeling my arms coming in and out of the water, listening to my calm breathing and feeling the wet on my face. The sun was glistening through the window and for those 30 minutes I had my own little slice of heaven right there in the pool surrounded by people, who to me did not exist as I was just chatting to God and enjoying 'our' time.

The last thing said to us last night was 'Every grey cloud contains the promise of a rainbow'. How inspiring and psoitive is that?

Super Saturday. I'm a lucky girl...

My how times change when we have kids, or they certainly have for me. Go back 6.5 years and you may find me enjoying a Saturday in London, spending money in the shops, having a lovely lunch at a swanky restaurant, meeting friends or dh, perhaps the theatre in the evening, another meal and maybe even stay over in a nice 4 or 5*. Not so any more, the money is not there and that is Ok as we consciously made the decision to have far less money and far more time with the children.

So what makes me feel like a lucky girl today? Well it is those simple things -

• dh getting up at 5am with pesky Miss M who wanted the toilet, her dummy, water, milk and anything else she could muster the strength to ask for
• getting cuddles with all 3 kids in my bed (whilst poor dh has gone to work)
• taking an hour to read a good book (in bed) whilst the kids played and did some drawing on the floor
• doing my toe and finger nails (in bed, can you see a theme for this morning??) with the girls trying to help me ('my help you mummy', 'ohh painting', 'pink, pretty!' etc)
• having a lovely shower and hair wash in peace whilst the kids all made music together (yes a bit of a din but at least they were not arguing)
• pottering about the house and getting the bathroom cleaned, my bed changed, upstairs tided, dishes sorted, washing on, all with double mini assistance (*ahem*)
• now we are off out for lunch at pizza hut (if the 50% off voucher ever arrives by email! grr)
• then tonight dh and I are off to a murder, mystery evening which should be good fun.

I am very grateful for my Saturdays. They used to be a busy day as I got up and dashed about in the same way that I do all 6 of the other days in the week. JJ went to a sports club and had to be there for 9am and as dh works on a Saturday that meant the girls had to be ready too. Now he does football after school and Beavers and has dropped this club and I am so pleased. I may never let anything steal my Saturday space again. I think everyone needs one chilled day per week. I know many do this on a Sunday but as we enjoy going to Church and it is the only day we are all together we tend to do things then.

I always said I would not be one of those Mums whose kids went to tons of clubs and they run round like loonies to accommodate the kids. I think what I specifically did not like was the competitive mums (you know the ones!) that had their children doing a club every day of the week - French Club, then maths tuition, then swimming, then violin lessons, then ballet and then a day of drama on Saturday. At one point JJ was doing Beavers and Boys Brigade on an evening and Sports Club on a Saturday morning and this felt like too much. When was his time just to play in the garden? and when was my time to just cuddle up with the kids? I think some of the problem comes that you get home from school at 3.40pm and then the club starts at 5.15pm so madly I cook dinner and shove it down their throats to rush out to drop off and then by 6.25pm I am out again to pick JJ up.

I dread when both girls want to go to clubs as well and then I will have 3 children to try and get to numerous places. Call me selfish but I think I will try and limit their activities to ensure there is a balance of getting the extra curricular fun and then taking time at home to be kids and to play.

How do you feel about the chasing around for clubs?

Potty Tastic!!

I am having a PMM (Proud Mummy Moment) Just when the potty training was getting on my nerves as the girls still seemed to have at least one accident each per day we have had a really great day of it so far.

I dragged them out the house at 8.40am to drop JJ to school and then we came back and went to toddlers, we have been out from then until now, having stopped at KFC for lunch and nipped into Morrisons for supplies and here we are with both girls with the first knickers of the day still on! yay It is clicking! Luckily so, as I forgot to take the change bag with me today so if there had of been an accident we would of been 9 miles from home with no spare knicks, tights or nappies! So pleased you answered my prayers today Lord! Thank you.

What has me even more happy is the fact that the girls (both of them) have actually asked me to take them to the loo. So far if we have been out, it has been me asking every half hour and marching them off to the loo. Today they have both asked me on separate occasions and then performed accordingly. Now I know you do not need to know this, but the things that make us Mums proud are amazing! Miss M asked me for the toilet in Morrisons and off we went and she did a poo too.

Hopefully we are on a roll now, it is day eight today. Sometime soon I hope for a totally dry day and a few hours where I can stop thinking about it.