But what will you do?

The view from my front door, I could just sit and stare at that for quite some time!

Do you know how many times I have heard this question in the last few weeks?  Dozens upon dozens, anyone that hears about our family's move to East Sussex congratulates me on the wonderful move and the job that dh has secured and then they look at me quite worried and say 'but what will you do?'.

To which I usually reply 'I don't know' and then they take this as me being a bit worried about what the future holds, but the truth is so far from that it is unreal. 'I don't know' means I will wait on God and see what He speaks to me. What does He wish for me to be doing? Where is my purpose for Him? Answers may come in moments or they might take years and that is OK, I am on an exploratory journey and I will wait and see.

Our family have made a very informed decision to change our lives and to do something which we feel God is calling us to do. I know very definitely there are times that I have heard from God and seen His truth realised. Years back he gave me a vision of 2 pregnancies and 3 babies and thus when my 6 week scan in 2006 showed I was pregnant with twins it was no surprise to me. I just felt secure and comfortable as I knew my babes were a gift from God.

Similarly for years I have known I would live at a Christian conference centre. I always thought I would be running it with dh, maybe this is the future or maybe my vision was slightly offline, I'm not sure but what is happening is close enough that I believe it to be of God. It is certainly not me that has been brave enough to say 'yes lets move 100 miles away, sell our house, leave all that we know, change our kids schools, reduce our income by two thirds and leave you jobless Michelle'. Oh no, that is God right there who has prepared dh and I over the years to know that He knows best and we must walk in faith and follow.

2006 was a very significant year in my Christian walk, in July I was struck with Bells Palsy and facial paralysis for quite a few weeks and from a number of sources I received the same message 'Michelle - stop doing and start being' and I feel that this move is part of that.  I am being released from the bondage of having to work and finding purpose in that work. I am a child of God and that is enough, my purpose is to 'be' and the good things I do should come from that sense of being and that confidence in Christ.

So going back to that original question - what will I do? I honestly don't know but that is OK.  I'll always be me - a wife, mother, friend, daughter, sister, blogger, foodie but most of all I am a child of God and I am fully available for the Lord to use me as He sees fit. 

What I will do is be ready and available. Ready for the next challenge and task that God decides to place with me and use me in. He has a plan and his plan is perfect, even when we don't understand it.

How is God using you right now?

Writing this post has made me think about this great song, have a listen. It talks a lot about waiting on the Lord and that is where I am at -

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Can you help me get some perspective please?

I am hoping you can help me. Would you mind giving me your perspective in the hope that I might actually gain some perspective on my life? Go on, pretty please.

I have blogged before that I have a problem with sitting still and relaxing, it is not something that comes naturally to me. I am very good at writing lists and achieving targets, getting things done basically. It is as if, when I am just relaxing or playing with my kids or such I do not feel there is any value in what I am doing and I start to feel as if I have achieved nothing in my day. This is bad as those play times or times of stillness might be when I teach my kids a valuable life lesson or recharge my own batteries. I can tell you what the books say; that I have to get a balance and enjoy some down times but the bit I cannot work out is what is a good balance?

I really enjoyed my weekend. The boys were away and the girls and I had a nice time. I did a few chores on Saturday morning and then we went into town to cross a few more things off my list and have lunch. Tea and bedtime was a nice relaxed affair and then my friend came over for a DVD, Indian takeaway and good chin wag. Sunday was Church in the morning and then we went to a fete and car boot before collecting the boys from camp late afternoon. See a totally chilled weekend and I enjoyed it, the girls behaved so well – probably because I was physically and mentally available to them much more than normal. Minimal chores were done, everyone was fed, washing was done and the kitchen kept clean but that was it. So what is your view – was I lazy this last weekend? Or was it good that I had a nice relax and enjoyed my kids and Church.

I suppose I ought to give you the backdrop to this question and describe a week day for you. Monday and Tuesday I work a full day and then here is my day from yesterday –

• Got up at 6.15am and showered, dressed and did my daily readings
• 7am got the kids up, gave them breakfast and got them dressed (dh helped)
• Dropped JJ to breakfast club at school, dh at the station and the girls to nursery before going to work
• Work from 8.20am – 12.30pm
• Lunch on my own – 20 mins to myself!
• Collect girls from nursery and head home
• Tidy the kitchen, full clean of the bathroom, wash all the towels, clean the downstairs toilet
• Make all the beds and tidy the kids rooms
• Did my daily bible reading
• Hemmed some work trousers
• Put another wash on
• Collected JJ from school
• Got the kids back and sorted with drinks etc, unpacked JJ’s bags
• Folded the washing and put away, put another wash on
• Spent 40 mins blogging – bliss
• Got the dinner ready
• Collected dh from the station
• Came back and finished dinner and we all ate together (then dh went out to do cubs)
• Got the dishwasher loaded and on, cleaned the table, hoovered the dining room, tided the kitchen
• Bathed the kids and did bedtime stories with them all
• Folded more washing and put it away
• Kids all asleep – yay. Went on the computer and surfed, answered emails etc (2 hours to myself)
• 10pm got the ironing out and ironed until 11pm
• Then relaxed for ½ hr with the PC and bed at 11.30pm

Now I am pretty sure that by anyone’s standards this is a busy day but this is pretty much how most week days are for me. So by writing this I think I am answering my own question, if I do nothing much on a weekend after 5 days of this full-on sh@t then I am pretty justified – right?

Coping or masking?

I am back at work today and colleagues that know what has happened have commented that I appear to be coping really well on the outside. I have just been out for my lunch break and whilst walking round the shops it got me thinking 'How am I coping', 'Am I really coping at all?' I sort of don't feel anything at all at the moment, except resigned to the fact that there is no babe and that the next few days will be unpleasant as I either have the op or lose the baby naturally (I expect it might go this way as things have already started to progress if you know what I mean).

The first thing that struck me is that in ED they always talk about us compulsive overeaters avoiding any kind of feelings and emotions by eating to stifle them and whilst I have not been on a mega binge or anything I had been using my pregnancy as free reign to eat what I fancied, including all the foods I know have no nutritional value and are just in my diet as they sooth me!

So I sort of came to the conclusion that because I am not abstinent from eating compulsively I am probably not working this through as thoroughly as I should be. People keep telling me to grieve and I do not feel a need to at the moment - is this very hard-hearted?

I know that once the procedure is over and I stop feeling pregnant (I still have morning sickness right now) I have to focus on getting myself back on track with my eating. I allowed myself to put on half a stone whilst pregnant, so that needs to go. Until I can clear my head I do not have perspective on the things that happen in my life, I know this to be true and I trust that God will help me when the time is right for me to listen and obey.

Here I am eating a Nandos for my lunch as I feel I deserve something nice as I am also going through something unpleasant and I also bought myself a new suit for work at lunchtime. Yes it was a bargain at £20.99 in the M&S outlet clearance area but lets be honest it is just another way of me masking what should be feeling painful. (Mum you can give me your opinion on Friday).

When you think about these things logically you have to laugh at me and how strange I am. I was waiting to collect dh yesterday from his train and instead of taking some time to be, I choose to run off and clean the bathroom as I was home and it needed doing. Doing and not being yet again!

So this is where I am at right now, in a nothing place. I know things will get better and that things happen for a reason, I am just not privy to that reason right now. I am eternally grateful that this has happened after my two successful pregnancies and that it has happened now rather than at a much later stage in the pregnancy. I remain blessed with my great children, dh and wider family.

Feeling stressed...

It was one of those days today. I got to work after shitty traffic, remembered I had a meeting I did not want to attend at work, got handed over a load of work as my colleague had to be out all week and then just felt truly stressed. No good reason for it - but it happens sometimes - doesn't it?

I did pretty well all morning, got through the meeting, did some menial work and then went off at 12 noon to do my aqua. I enjoyed aqua and worked really hard. I resisted the call of the chocolate chip shortbread on the way back to work and had an apple instead. Then again back at work I felt stressed and this time gave in to the food. It has got worse and worse all day. I do not even want to type here what I have eaten - it was sooo much. I would love to just be hiding right now, but I know that is a downward spiral, so I am typing this and I will text my food sponsor and then I will start working through the massive pile of ironing that needs doing.

Also stressing me is the fact that I have not got to clean the bathroom today, which is something I always do when I get home from work on a Monday, but tonight A was not home and by the time the kids were bathed and read to, it was practically 8pm and I wanted my tea. I know these things are not important but I do struggle with not hitting targets.

I am already thinking about tomorrow and normally I do something before work - gym or swim and already I thinking I can not be bothered. I pray I wake in a better and more positive mood tomorrow so I can find the energy and enthusiasm to do some exercise. Maybe I will go to aqua in the evening instead, but then I worry that I will not get to clean the bathroom. How sad is that - to worry about cleaning. Surely living is more important!

My recovery today

As I have mentioned every day is to be treated as a new entity and I should only really be thinking about and living for that day and do you know what? I am getting better at it! yay I feel as if I am making some steps forward in my recovery in general and that my emotional health is improving. I am still not abstinent, I had one really good abstinent day and the others over the last couple of weeks have just been OK, not terrible but still with many foods/ snacks that I did not need/ should not of had. I weighed yesterday morning as I had no real idea where I was weight wise and I was 16st 1lb, so much better than a week ago but not as low as I have been. Since being back home I have got straight back into doing my crunches in the morning as well.

I wish I had a laptop over the last week as I have done so much thinking and realisation and now I sit at the PC, it is hard to remember it all and capture it. I have moved onto step 2, I think no 1 is now in hand and I have truly realised and come to believe that I am powerless over food. I am now working on step 2 which is coming to believing that a higher power can restore me to sanity. This other ED meeting I went to this week was good as it appeared there were alot of long term members there and loads of recovery in the room. I think I need to get out and see some more ED meetings and be inspired by people with long term recovery. My group is a fairly new one and lacks people who are able to become my sponsor.

Whilst at Mum and Dad's I went to church (one which I really love and have visited many times) and again I got that message to do less and be more. I had some realisation that whilst I appear to be a good student of my ED literature I was not actually doing anything with the info I was reading. The stuff is only useful if you actually absorb it, think on it and perhaps apply some of it to your own life. I realised that I do not allow myself any time for thinking.

Whilst at church I wrote some notes and I have just seen that one of them was that I would dump any to do lists. Realistically they just stress me out and make me want to do more. shhh, don't tell anyone but I actually think sometimes I just write things on them to feel needed and also to feel as if I have achieved something. I have been known to write things on them that are already done, just so I can put the line through that thing. Crazy!

I also put down that I would ensure I take 1/2 hour every day to just be with God and focus. This should not be just before I go to bed as then I end up falling asleep. Thinking about it I did do this each day whilst away, I also took time to go down on my knees at the end of each day to thank God and chat to him. Since I have been back home I have not done this, so I must make a special effort tomorrow.

My last item I wrote about was the need to turn more over to God and to stop trying to trust my own or the worlds wisdom. Only God knows the perfect plan for me and often it will be very different to my own but I truly know it will fulfil all my needs and be the best for me.

So I am going to sign off now, as I am getting very tired and it would be nice to half hour mindless TV before I head up to bed to pray and sleep.

Human beings NOT human doings.....

I keep over and over receiving the message that I should be 'being' rather than 'doing'. Do you understand what I mean? Have you seen Evan Almighty, where the Lord is trying to get his attention and everything he comes into contact with is Gen 6:14, as the Lord is really trying to get him to hear and accept that message. In the end Evan has to listen, as the way the message is being delivered is more and more outrageous.

Well, back in 2006 when I got struck by Bells Palsy I understood that this was God asking me to stop and take a look at my life. I was being too much of a headless chicken and running around in circles and he wanted me to 'be' and appreciate things more. I then was prayed for by a wonderful lady called Rita and her prayer was for me to start being and stop doing. I started to slowly get rid of all the things that were clogging up my life and started to take time to just be with my family, alone or with God.

When I started going to City Church last year I started to feel that I should probably start to get involved with things there, although I did feel hesitant. I then received a phone call and card from a lovely lady Choe, who I had seen but never met before. She told me that God had laid me on her heart and provided the following scripture - John 6:28-29. This was about all God asking that I trusted in the one whom he sent and that I relied on Jesus. She spoke about how this was my season for bringing up small children and that was all that was required of me. I found this so encouraging and a 'pass' not to have take on too many obligations. Of course I must still serve but at the moment my service is as a mother and wife.

I cleaned upstairs yesterday and felt so much better for having achieved (done) something tangible that day and then I realised that I am still aiming to do too much. I must stop defining myself by the things I do and searching for fulfilment in those things.

I have really been trying to be better at being and not doing so much but this is hard for someone like me, whose nature is 'to do'. Yesterday I was reading Christianity and the first article I came across by John Buckerridge was about being more and doing less., so it appears I am not the only one who struggles with this.

As mentioned before, this Christianity lark is a journey so I will keep on trying and travelling........