Letter to all Mums from God

Image Credit: Liane Metzler

Hey Mumma,

I was chatting to God earlier this week and He told me some things I have to share with you. Well, not just only you but all Mums, Moms, Mams, Mamas, Mummas and Mummys.

There are a few things that He wants you to know and He’d really appreciate it if you listen up good, if we all listen up good.  He finds Himself repeating these messages time and time again but thankfully He is a patient father and loves to teach us. He knows it takes us a while to let the deep lessons sink in and that sometimes we need to hear the same thing ten times before it really takes a seat, so do keep coming back to this letter and ultimately to Him.

First up, He wants you to remember that being a parent is hard, this isn’t an easy ride that you are supposed to sail through. There will be challenges for you and for your kids but that’s good as it will result in growth for you both. Lean on God, He is your strength in these times.

Following on from that it is worth remembering that ‘easy and convenient’ probably aren’t the answer to being a good parent. Children need boundaries, responsibilities and consequences that they can count on. Those children who push back and challenge us as they grow are probably tomorrow’s leaders and innovators, so celebrate them.

But don’t feel overwhelmed as everything that God wants your child to be is already in them. It is not our job to make them but just to point and guide them, we need to be there to help them discern good decisions and learn from the bad ones.

Remember though that you are not doing this parenting lark in your own strength. You are raising mini warriors for Christ and He has your back. You don’t have to earn God’s favour by striving, you already have it because it is who you are in Christ that matters most. I love this quote –

It’s not what we do that determines who we are,
it is who we are that determines what we do.

Parenting, it’s a massive responsibility, right? And we want to keep our children innocent and allow them to mature at an appropriate rate, so sometimes we shelter them and don’t let them know about the awful things going on in the world as that would make them sad but guess what? God says that we need to allow our children to see and hear some of the sad things so they grow and develop into compassionate and loving adults. Of course, we must keep things age appropriate and we have to remain available as their back-up and support but sheltered kids with a great life can grow up to be selfish adults and no-one wants that.

He knows you sometimes feel invisible as a mum but be reassured that being there for your kids builds their security. Service to our family is so important, He sees it and He is so pleased, so next time you feel your kids or husband are taking you for granted let it go as God appreciates you. Don’t be tempted to run back to whatever it is that makes you feel visible or gives you a sense of worth, just nestle into the crook of God’s arm and know you are in the right place doing the right thing. Your worth and your security is rooted in God so stop searching beautiful mama.

Read these promises and just know that everything will be all right. You might be feeling truly shattered right now, or unloved, or ugly, or broken or beyond redemption but you’re not. You are a precious daughter of the most high and He wants to speak to you in the way you need to hear and say –

I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness. Jeremiah 31:3

• No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:37-39
• And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28
• Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken. Psalm 55:22
• Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. Matthew 11:28-29
• But all who listen to me will live in peace, untroubled by fear of harm. Proverbs 1:33

And lastly, He wants to spend time with you and you’re not to feel bad if you can’t find dedicated bible study time or time to attend church. Just snatch those five minutes in the bathroom or as your child is in gym club and He will cherish every one of those short stolen moments and will rejoice in refilling and renewing you.

Thank you for reading friend and bless you for your loving heart and faithful service.

From one Mum to another, be blessed. Mich x

Parenting in the Digital Age - We Have to be One Step Ahead

I was at a digital conference at the beginning of November and one of the streams was for anyone interested in young people and all things digital. It was a Christian conference so there were pastors, youth and children workers and parents like me. I went to a few different seminars and there were quite a few things that really spoke to me and I have pondering and praying on them since.

On the whole I think all the new technological advances have been a good thing and they add a whole new dimension to our world today but I'm not blind. I see how my 14 year old son gets sucked in to gaming on his computer and not wanting to come off and I'm super aware that one of my 10 year old's is already starting to judge herself by what she sees online. Those sorts of things are pretty scary.

You have to be a really intentional and involved parent to ensure that your kids are maintaining balance and not losing their grip on reality and it takes a lot of time and effort if I'm honest.

Look at this slide that was shared in one of the seminars -

How often are you praising your teenager?

Fab backpack from Millets, as shown in my Hard to Buy for Mans Christmas gift guide but modelled by JJ

A couple of weeks ago on my parenting teens course we were exploring the topic of getting your teenager to cooperate and there were some interesting stories of teens being sullen and not wanting to participate in family life. I think those of us with a teenage child have experienced this desire by the teen to just be let alone in their own little world, whatever that may be - gaming, reading, shopping or relaxing with friends.

The course leaders encouraged us to think about praise and instead of keep pulling our teens up for the things they weren't doing or the negative behaviours they were showing, to actually turn things on their head and to start encouraging them more. I think many of us worked to a system of motivation by praise when our kids were toddlers or preschoolers. I recall early parenting courses telling me to encourage the behaviour I did want to see, instead of picking up on the poor behaviour that I wanted to discourage.

It makes sense really as teenagers are very much like their toddler counterparts. Their brains are developing at an amazing rate but things are changing for them and they don't retain all the information they have learnt over the first 13-17 years of their life. The new neuro pathways are all being laid down ready for their adult life and their brain is being pruned, to just retain the information they use regularly. This is why we go back to seeing outbursts or tantrums when they are stressed or can't process the situation.

Mums and Their Work - Is Your Family Flourishing?

We are all aware of the age old debate about mums and should they be working? Out the home, in the home? Or not at all?

But how crazy would it be if we expected a women not to work just because she has birthed a child? Work isn't only something you are paid for, work is everything you put effort into and therefore as responsible adults we all have to work. Looking after your child is work, cleaning your house is work and being paid to man a shop or helping your elderly aunt are both work too.

Oxford English Dictionary definition -"Activity involving mental or physical effort done in order to achieve a result."

Each one of us is unique and this is just the way God planned it. We don't need to be jealous of the next woman because she can plan an Instagram perfect party and execute it with panache for twenty 5 year old's. Changes are it is part of her gifting - organisation, an eye for beauty and indulging her child are all things that build her up and she enjoys. I'm willing to bet that she isn't doing it to show you how wonderful she is. In fact I'm willing to bet she hasn't even thought about you!

Harsh, but true. We need to remember that we are the centre of our own tiny little world but we need to get outside ourselves and stop making everything about us. Let's think the best of our sisters, of all those other mums, who like us are probably just trying their best and muddling through however they can. When we build another woman up and support her she grows and that's really important. Just look at nature, when you grow green beans and you offer them a bamboo cane, they cleverly wind their tendrils around the cane for growth support and keep on flourishing. 

In the same way God extends His grace to us and that is something none of us deserve but it acts as a support framework to allow us to feel forgiven and able to grow. We all need to follow Gods example and extend grace to everyone we meet. Especially every Mum as the likeliness is that she already believes she isn't good enough.

Seeing my Feisty Girl through your Eyes #R2BC

Dear Sarah,

I want to thank you, sincerely. You had me worried for half a minute but then I realised you wouldn't do anything crazy and it was just great to really be able to see my Miss M through your eyes.

I've always said to anyone who'll listen that Miss M might not be easy to parent but she'll be the one to do something world-changing when she is older as no isn't a word she's scared of. But I think, to be honest when you have a feisty child it can wear you down and it is good to have a reminder of just how special they are.

It was obvious to all from the moment you met Miss M on our holiday that you fell in love with her, not in a bad way but you were just swept off your feet by her larger than life personality and outward confidence. You kept telling me she reminded you of you as a kid and it's funny if you ask my parents, they'll tell you she is a little clone of me when I was a child. I know you found that hard to believe as I'm quite reserved now and won't get up to dance on a whim but people change and mature.

That’s Important

As I wandered around my house this morning making beds, opening curtains, collecting up the dirty laundry and emptying bins I was musing to myself about how important those functions are. No, of course they don’t make a successful home, you can easily get by and be perfectly happy with a half-full bin or an unmade bed but for someone like me who likes order and tidiness they are important.

Yes I could make the kids do all those things and sometimes I do but in the main I like looking after my family. That is one way I show them how much I love them by tending to their needs and even pre emptying their needs. Being a stay at home parent is hard work and really valuable work and it has taken me some time to fully acknowledge this for myself.  I’ve always hated the rivalry between parentsfollow that choose different paths, those who work outside the home, do paid work at home or stay home without any remuneration at all and I choose to champion all causes. Like everything in life I feel you need to do what suits you, what really makes you feel grounded and content, not what society expects or you push yourself to do and certainly not what pays the most money.

Over the last thirteen years of being a parent I’ve taken on each of those roles and what I have discovered is that they each have their own unique challenges and there is no one right universal choice. We all have to make the choice that suits us, our personalities and our circumstances. I personally found working outside the homefollow the hardest by far but that could be because I did it when my children were younger and I also still undertook voluntary work and looked after my home without any help too.

At the moment I have the joy of being home, dabbling in a little paid work, doing lots of voluntary work and really having time to develop my relationship with the Lord and my children. I don’t often have to feel compromised anymore like I did four or five years ago when it was my of the kids assemblies, but I was due to be delivering a training course and then I realised I had forgotten to book their lunches too! Those times were just overwhelming when I would race home after work to pick the kids up from after-school club, chuck some food in the oven for them, bombard them with spellings and timetables questions whilst I cooked and then race out the door again to Cubs, gymnastics or Rainbows.

Yes, the change to a slower-paced life has been really good for me and for my family too but it has taken me nearly three years to fully accept that it is OK for me to sit in the morning and read my book for an hour or to enjoy a coffee alone on the return trip from the school drop. Those snatched moments of peace and reflection are when I am renewed and ready for whatever the kids present that day. Let’s be honest, it’s not as if I get to sit down in the early evening, everything keeps going until eight or nine at night and the smaller ones are finally tucked into bed.

Thank you Lord for bringing us into circumstances when I can start to learn that I am loved for who I am and not just what I do. Even if I have ticked nothing off my long list all day I am still valuable as I am your daughter and I have taken the time to do the small things that the day has demanded, things like –

• Toasting a bagel as my boy had got up late and needed to run out the door
• Making small trees for the girls Cub Scouting camp shoebox dioramas
• Organising all the cards and gifts for the next month ahead
• Printing off photos for a friend
• Speaking words of affirmation to my kids
• Kissing and hugging my hubby
• Steam cleaning the floor in the little toilet for the 800th time as the nasty smell just won’t lift
• Changing the kids bedding to light summer duvets
• Walking round the lake and stopped to marvel at how awesome the sight is
• Checking our bank account and made sure bills are being paid on time
• Speaking sweet words to a little lady who couldn’t get to sleep because of the heat
• Cooking lasagne and banana bread as that is what small people fancied
• Contacting a local family to see if they want to meet us at Church on Sunday

Yes I have been present in the day and have enjoyed it and that is far more important than ticking things off a list and allowing life to whizz past me.

Thank you Lord that you have made this path for me, I feel as if I am in the right place, doing the right thing. Mich x

They Don’t Know What’s Best For Them

It’s funny how children often think they know best. So sure of themselves and their decisions. Not wanting to open their minds and try something new but just wanting to go along with what they know and what is easy. It’s to be expected though, right? Kids grow up far too quickly and want to be the boss but of course, it is our job as parents to rein them back in and to present new opportunities to help expand their minds.

The worry comes when you see parents that never challenge their kids, they just fall into step and go along with whatever the little one is asking for. How does that end up? With children so spoilt and used to getting their own way that they have no grip on reality and no resilience to deal with the set-backs and rebuffs that will come when they go to university or start to work.

Our job as parents is to help our children grow up to be well-rounded adults. That won’t always be easy and it certainly won’t always be fun but our guidance and correction will help them so much in the long run. I think there is a lot to be said for tough love; us being consistent and carrying through on a consequence when we have issued one is super important.

“Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men,” Colossians 3:23

If we teach our children that it is OK to be flaky and to say something one minute and then not to carry through, what happens when they have that first paid job but are too tired to get up in the morning? Well, they just choose not to and instead of working for their money and feeling good about a proper days work, they just ask us for a handout as they lost the job because they couldn’t be bothered to turn up.

I was really sad the other day when I read a post on Facebook about how a company is having trouble recruiting for their esteemed graduate programme. Why were they having trouble? Because it is an early morning start and the graduates don’t want to get up at that time of morning. My word, what kind of world are we now bringing our kids up in? One where they are so pampered and pandered to that they don’t have to make any effort anymore and they are not willing to put in a hard days work.

They are missing out on so much satisfaction and personal growth. I used to love falling into bed after a 12 hour day on my feet when I was a hotel trainee manager. I knew I had worked hard, learnt loads and achieved a real sense of satisfaction with the service I had provided. My JJ is 12 now, coming on 13 and already he knows what it is like to work and enjoy it. I have to admit that I do feel proud that my 12 year old willingly volunteers at the local food bank warehouse every other week. He also helps out with many different tasks at the conference centre where we live – marshalling races, being a parking attendant, helping in the tea room, joining the maintenance team or stock taking in the kitchen.

The girls want to be involved too, even though they are still only 8 they are happy to pick apples or price items in the bookshop. Of course the tasks they can be involved with have to be age appropriate but they love to help out. Kids like to feel useful and when we don’t allow them to do the simple things like prepare dinner, make their bed or hoover the lounge we take away their learning and rob them of their self-satisfaction.

“In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’” Acts 20:35

Acts 20:35 reminds us that ‘it is more blessed to give than to receive’ and I want my children to be in the business of giving, to be generous in spirit and worldly goods. When we choose to focus on others, to serve, to work hard and to give away what we have then we will find true satisfaction.

In this age of instant gratification and sky-high expectations we have to ensure our children understand that things have value and they have to be earned and that means work in whatever form it takes.

Are you with me? Will you help your children to learn a strong work ethic?

Realising They Have to Make Their Own Mistakes

Isn’t it a hard truth to face, that we have to let our children make their own mistakes?

I don’t know about you, but I’ve made so many mistakes in life. Some of them pretty big ones and I’d love to just do a brain dump or even sit there for a few hours (read days) and chat through my mistakes and the consequences of them if it could help my children not to have to go through the same painful experiences I’ve had.

But it just doesn’t work like that. Those painful experiences have also been my learning experiences when I have grown, changed and learnt resilience. I pray all my children learn Godly resilience and are able to stand firm in their relationship with God and get through whatever trial life has thrown at them.

Life throws up new trials every day, whatever age we are. Yesterday has been an interesting one with my 8-year-old twin girls and I won’t go into too much detail but my husband and I had to have a serious chat with them and make them realise that their actions have consequences and that by disobeying my direct instructions they were putting themselves at risk.

I think they got the message as we had some graphic conversations (at a level an 8-year-old can understand) and I continue to pray for their protection and for them to grow in wisdom and obedience.

Once they were in bed I sat down to do my daily bible reading and yet again I was really captured by the devotional insight written by Max Lucado. Today it was based around the verse from Luke 15:11-32. Why don’t you read this story, commonly known as the Prodigal Son? It might be that you have read it dozens of times before or it might be that it is your first time but it was so reassuring to me to read God writing about our children making their own mistakes and coming back from them.

Then Jesus said, “A man had two sons. The younger son said to his father, ‘Give me my share of the property.’ So the father divided the property between his two sons. Then the younger son gathered up all that was his and traveled far away to another country. There he wasted his money in foolish living. After he had spent everything, a time came when there was no food anywhere in the country, and the son was poor and hungry. So he got a job with one of the citizens there who sent the son into the fields to feed pigs. The son was so hungry that he wanted to eat the pods the pigs were eating, but no one gave him anything. When he realized what he was doing, he thought, ‘All of my father’s servants have plenty of food. But I am here, almost dying with hunger. I will leave and return to my father and say to him, “Father, I have sinned against God and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son, but let me be like one of your servants.”’ So the son left and went to his father.

“While the son was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt sorry for his son. So the father ran to him and hugged and kissed him. 21 The son said, ‘Father, I have sinned against God and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ But the father said to his servants, ‘Hurry! Bring the best clothes and put them on him. Also, put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. And get our fat calf and kill it so we can have a feast and celebrate. My son was dead, but now he is alive again! He was lost, but now he is found!’ So they began to celebrate.

“The older son was in the field, and as he came closer to the house, he heard the sound of music and dancing. So he called to one of the servants and asked what all this meant. The servant said, ‘Your brother has come back, and your father killed the fat calf, because your brother came home safely.’ The older son was angry and would not go in to the feast. So his father went out and begged him to come in. But the older son said to his father, ‘I have served you like a slave for many years and have always obeyed your commands. But you never gave me even a young goat to have at a feast with my friends. But your other son, who wasted all your money on prostitutes, comes home, and you kill the fat calf for him!’ The father said to him, ‘Son, you are always with me, and all that I have is yours. We had to celebrate and be happy because your brother was dead, but now he is alive. He was lost, but now he is found.’”

I recognise so many of the personality traits of this younger son in one of my children and I do worry they will go off the rails. I can’t understand why they want so much more than life is already providing them with. Where does this sense of being disgruntled come from and whoever said they could expect everything they desire?

I don’t know the answers to my own questions and frankly, I don’t think it is really useful to keep meditating on them. Two of my children are happy with their lot in life and one of them feels that everyone else has it better. Have we parented them differently? No, I don’t think so. I just have to accept that each person is as God intended them and know that these tendencies to rebel and question everything will be used for good by the Lord.

My job is to pray and give thanks, he was quite clear when He told me this the other day, and who I am to argue with Him who knows everything?

So I pray for your children and I pray for mine that whatever mistakes they do make, they know we will always be there for them, supporting them, forgiving them, and welcoming them with open arms just like the father in the story told in Luke did.

With blessings, Mich x

What is Love?

I suspect many of you reading this think I have gone a little bonkers and are wondering why a half-eaten pack of ready pancakes could possibly suggest love but they do.

One of my eight-year-olds had a pancake or two for her breakfast before I got up and instead of leaving them open on the side to go hard, she got a bag out the drawer and covered them up. She cared enough to emulate me and to tidy away and make sure they were still good for the next person who fancied one.

That person was my son, four years older than my daughters but did he put the pack back in the bag to keep them fresh?  Of course not, it didn’t even occur to him, he just left them on the side and the crumbs everywhere, confident in the knowledge that Mum would do it.

So back to the original question – what is love?  Well for me love is often an action. It is something that a person chooses to do, it isn’t always a feeling. That day love was about making an effort and going out of her way to make things better for the next person. That kind of love took thought and effort and it pleased me immensely.

I’ve often wondered about love as an action, especially in marriage. You hear so often nowadays of people getting divorced because they do not ‘feel’ in love anymore and personally I think that you have to put hard work into marriageand choose to love each other. Of course, there are times when you are bubbling over with love but equally I’ve found in the last twenty-odd years that there are times when I do not have those feeling so much.

I recall a while back speaking to some older friends who had fostered children for years about how it must be difficult to deal with some children and how do you show them love, so they can feel secure? They assured me that if you treated them the same as your own child and you carried on as if you loved them the child would feel the love and gain the reassurance and security they needed. ou didn’t always have to actually love them, just ‘act as if’.

Then this morning at church we were again exploring the book of Ephesians and one of our pastors was talking about how God loves us and dwells in us and this got me thinking about love as an action and I realised that there are two ways to love someone. There is the all-encompassing unconditional way that God loves us and I love my children and there is also the love that we make an effort to show, the love as an action. Like making a cup of coffee for my husband even when he has been a grouch all day or helping my girls to tidy their rooms even when they have been back chatting.

So it is OK that sometimes I don’t feel an overwhelming love for everyone in my life, I can choose not to be led by my feelings and make an intentional decision to act out love.

Play to Their Strengths

Last Thursday morning I was watching a parenting DVD with a group of friends and I was really struck by some of the content. The focus of the mornings session was on teens and identity, looking at how important it is for your child to work out who they are and what is important to them.

There was various snippets of interviews with both parents and teens and the example that really struck me was a father telling a new friend that he had three sons. He talked of his oldest boys being 18 and 16 and both very academic. Then when he came to talk about his 13-year-old son he said he was very worried for his GCSEs as he wasn’t academic at all and he’d just taken a maths tutor for his boy to help him ‘come on’ but actually he wasn’t too enthusiastic about it.

The friend then asked a very pertinent question ‘what is it that lights him up? What does he enjoy doing?’ and he was told that the 13-year-old loves to cook. To which the friend then joked ‘well maybe get him a cooking tutor and help him excel in something he loves, rather than something he dislikes and has no talent for’ and when you think about it, how true is that? I suspect most of us have built our careers or achievements on the things that we enjoy or are naturally good at. God gives us all-natural giftings for a reason, so we may use them, it’s an unusual person that pursues a career which includes skills they struggle with or dislike.

These thoughts of encouraging your child within their natural strengths stayed with me throughout the day and kept coming back to the forefront of my mind. It was easy with two of my children to be able to say where their natural strength or preference lay and I could easily think of examples of how I might encourage them.

I had to think for some time though before I could come up with a natural strength for one of children though. She is a good all-rounder and as yet I couldn’t decipher what it might be that she is shining in but when I really spent time thinking about her it was clear to me that her natural gifting must be in hospitality. Even though she is only 8 she loves to welcome guests to our home and my husband's work. When people leave here they often comment about how she was the first smiling face they saw and she made them really welcome.

It would be all too easy to think that her skills of hospitality are less important or tangible than her brother or sister's giftings in maths and art but actually, I think they are perfect and we really ought to be encouraging each of our children where they naturally excel. It never works when you try to stifle a natural talent, all we want to do is build each one of our kids up and raise them to believe they can do anything they want. That sense of ambition and perseverance will serve them well.

Our world has become too focused on academia and the pursuit of A grades. I want my children to be well-rounded, there is so much more to life than the grades they come out of school with and I refuse to put immense pressure on them at this young age. When they all received their reports last week I reiterated again that the most important thing to my husband and I is that they are making progressing and trying hard.

My son's report was full of A grades but there was the odd ‘could do better’ or some such wording for his homework and we told him this isn’t acceptable. Not because he has to improve his grades but because he needs to apply himself to his school work in the same way he does to Minecraft. He is fortunate enough to find study and academia easy and thus must not rest on his laurels and coast along.

The reports for the girls were not so high achieving and that is fine, with them we had discussions about good attitudes, doing our best, and looking for progression. Each of us is created unique and we do not have to be judged against a standard that the government say they must meet, all they have to do is try hard, be kind and follow their natural calling. The rest will take care of itself by the grace of God.

The Spirit of God has made me;
the breath of the Almighty gives me life.~ Job 33:4