Released #Prose4T

Hello, if you have stopped by to find Reasons to be Cheerful then you need to head over to Lakes Single Mum as Becky is hosting for the rest of November and then in December it will be over with Jo at Ojo's World.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm finding part of life quite hard,
it comes and attacks me, for I have no guard.

But unhappy is not the right word you see,
as in general life is as blessed as can be.

Good husband, great kids, nice home.
So many gifts, little cause to moan.

There is just this one area of my life,
it gives me so much pain and strife.

It should be easy, 'get a grip' you say,
but for some of us it just isn't that way.

I want to sort it out, I want to get better,
I know there's a need, that's why I'm writing this letter.

But there is no easy path,
it will be lots of hard work and graft.

Am I ready for that I wonder, can I take off this mask?
For unveiling makes me vulnerable and reminds me of the past.

But change has to happen, I can not go on this way,
I need to be strong each and every way.

Now is the time to stop being scared, a good example I must set,
and that means walking every day step by step.

No need to take great leaps Michelle,
every inch forward is a step out of this living hell.

Trust in the Lord and let Him be king,
then finally you will be released from this awful thing.

Thank you Jesus.

Plaque at Beachy Head, East Sussex

Michelle Pannell, 22 November 2013


Hop over and see Vic and the others who are joining in with Prose for Thought this week.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

If you like what you have read and want to stay up-to-date then subscribe by email for free and receive blog posts directly to your in-box - just click the link Subscribe to Mummy From The Heart... by Email or perhaps you like to keep all your blog reading in one place, if that is the case you can follow me on BlogLovin too!

The sad and ugly truth – Not so #SilentSunday

A wonderful lady posted this picture of me on Facebook this week
with the caption 'Beautiful face and soul'. Thank you Jeannine xx

I’ve known for a long time, in fact I wrote a post quite sometime back that resonated with a whole load of people. I’ve always been quite open about my problem but I do feel it has been pushed under the carpet for well over a year now. Just look through my blog, when was the last diet or weight related post that I published?

I have all sorts of issues with food, I eat when any kind of emotion is off kilter, so that is happy, sad, anxious and glad (oh and anything in between those too). I eat because I love to eat, I eat because I enjoy food, I eat when I want to celebrate, I eat because I’m bored, I eat out of habit, I eat because I’m scared not too. That last one is totally strange, isn’t it? But I really do have this fear of hunger, it is irrational and I’m not at all sure what I think might happen if I allow myself to get hungry but I get anxious and I don’t like the feeling at all.

For the last year I have been enjoying ignoring my problem, thankfully my weight has only moved by about half a stone in that whole year. It could be far worse but last night was a bit of a wakeup call. I caught sight of myself in the mirror in the girl’s room and I had to look twice, I did not recognise me. What I saw in the mirror was a proper fat person, not just someone over weight but a woman who had really let herself go. I am now at least 7 stone overweight and that is not based on becoming a size 10. That 7 stone, if I lost it would probably take me down to about a size 14. What a world of difference that would be.

So why am I still this size if I am unhappy with the way I look, the example I’m setting to my children and the risks I’m putting my health at? I’m not really sure, it is a question I ponder a lot. I have started and stopped so many diets in my life, I attended Overeaters Anonymous for over a year and I have been great with exercise since we moved to East Sussex but I just don’t seem to have found the right route for me. I do not want to consider surgery, I know it works for some but it feels like a cop out to me. The perfect answer is to eat less and move more, yes I realise it is simple. Simple but not easy for a compulsive overeater.

But with God’s help it can be done, I know this as I have seen it happen and the Bible tells me that He will not forsake me. It will seem weird to many when I say that I think my problem is that I do not believe that God will help me solve this problem. I know that I am supposed to hand over control for my issues to God and He will look after me.  That isn’t a get out clause though, I still have to do the footwork but fundamentally He is in control and I need to give it up to Him, but (and it is a big but) It only works if I believe, yes truly and utterly without any kind of doubt believe that God is there and that He cares enough to help with what on the face of it is a silly problem.  Most definitely a first world problem, one I feel I should be able to get a grip of and sort out.

Today I woke with such good intentions, after seeing myself for what I really look like I ate well all morning and then I went out for tea and cake, which in itself was not such an issue as I had only had 2 ryvita with ham for lunch but then dinner for JJ’s birthday came with a dessert in the price and I was weak and said I’d have it, which of course then lead to my defences being low and the popcorn made an appearance whilst we watched his birthday movie. I hardly even make a conscious decision when I eat these things and that is what needs to change, I must be more mindful when I eat rather than just on auto-pilot.

I feel stupid, I feel ashamed of myself and I feel like I want to hide this post but I must not, when I shove this all down and hide it then the problem is still festering. When I come out and say yes, I have serious issues with food and my consumption of it then I am facing up to the problem and tomorrow I will try harder and I’ll pray and I really want to believe that this is serious enough for God to help me with it. It feels so disrespectful when I doubt Him that I must pray and believe more.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

If you like what you have read and want to stay up-to-date then subscribe by email for free and receive blog posts directly to your in-box - just click the link Subscribe to Mummy From The Heart... by Email or perhaps you like to keep all your blog reading in one place, if that is the case you can follow me on BlogLovin too!

Living to excess....... no more!

I'm very embarrassed writing this post but as a Christian I always feel when you recognise wrong behaviour and make a decision to change that you need to repent. I know many people hate that word, it sounds hard and not very forgiving but actually repentance is all about forgiveness. But it is not enough for me to pay lip service to whatever the sin is that I am turning my back on. Oh no, I have to confess my sins and then stop partaking in them and that is not always easy if I'm honest.

The dictionary tells us that the definition of repent is 'to feel sorry, self-reproachful or contrite for past conduct' and this of course is true. When we do wrong, we need to recognise it and as a Christian I must say sorry but it is not enough to just apologise and carry on with the sin or wrong-doing. Biblical repentance is about turning from sin and waking away from that past behaviour, thoughts or whatever it was. I am so lucky to have a perfect and loving God who has already paid the price for all the sins I have. So it is imperative that I do my part and try to live a life that Jesus would be proud of. You all know I'm fallible, I tell you enough on here and my blog strap line is about my imperfect journey but I cannot just rest on my laurels.

For years I have struggled with my weight and there is so much tied up in this problem. I know my overeating is sinful, I am full of greed and a glutton at times and until I am ready to give the issue to God it will remain with me, as it is far bigger than I am and I don't seem able to tackle it alone.

It was a revelation to me this week though that other areas of my life were filled with glutinous behaviour too. I have been tidying out some of the cupboards ready for our move and I started on my wardrobe and considering I have cleared it twice in the last year and given away probably at least 50 items of clothing, I was still able this time to clear about another 50 items. Great for the charity shop but why did I have that much to start with?  Sinful instant gratification is much of the answer, some things I gave away had labels and others were worn once and it does not end there, I know I have a large vacuum pack of clothes in the loft as well that still need sorting.

I gave away all this -

and Lord I want to turn away from the excess that has been in my life. I don't need to stuff my face with food or spend money to stifle my emotions or to try and deal with stuff I do not even consciously acknowledge is happening.

I desire to be content and to be able to talk about my feelings, emotions, fears etc and then to deal with them. No more food or shopping is necessary. As I write this it is late at night and when I wake tomorrow morning I pray Lord that you will help me to stay in the moment and to be really present so that I do not 'forget' that I am turning away from these sins Lord. Please draw me close and keep me there, help me to stay strong even if this is really uncomfortable.  I must remember to rely on you Lord. Holy Spirit come and fill me so there is no room left that I am trying to fill with anything other than you.

Lord I pray the Anglican prayer of confession -

Almighty God, our heavenly Father, 

we have sinned against you 

and against our neighbour 

in thought and word and deed, 

through negligence, through weakness, 

through our own deliberate fault. 

We are truly sorry, 

 and repent of all our sins. 

For the sake of your Son Jesus Christ, 

who died for us, 

forgive us all that is past; 

and grant that we may serve you in newness of life 

to the glory of your name. 

Amen.

Tomorrow is a new day and one I look forward to with a sense of anticipation and expectation.  The Lord can work miracles and I ask for one to help me be more Christlike.

Anyone been in the same boat and got any encouraging words for me please?

  -----------------------------------------------------------------

If you like what you have read and want to stay up-to-date then subscribe by email for free and receive blog posts directly to your in-box - just click the link Subscribe to Mummy From The Heart... by Email or perhaps you like to keep all your blog reading in one place, if that is the case you can follow me on BlogLovin too!

Are you scared to share? Don't be, the shame can be crippling...



Image Credit

At least a couple of times on this blog I have published a blog post titled 'I'm not just fat, I have a problem', this was one of my favourite posts to write, as I felt like I was breaking down some sort of wall that had been built around eating disorders.  I am really encouraged to see how much people are talking about PND and depression in general nowadays and I pray that one day people will break the silence and speak about their issues with food/ eating disorder/ food addiction - call it what you will.

So if I say eating disorder to you, what do you think?  What are the first things that come to mind?  Is it incredibly skinny young girls with their bones sticking out? Anorexia? Or perhaps it is Bulimia and the thought of people making themselves sick?  Yes those seem to be the instant thoughts that the words eating disorder conjure up.

However, Anorexia and bulimia are not the only eating disorders.  There is another which is just as serious but in a different way and that is the eating disorder I suffer from, the one of compulsive overeating. Some people fail to recognise that as a problem, some people would just say I am fat, lazy, greedy or even dumb. However if you change the words to disordered eating I think then pretty much everyone would agree that both binge eating or picking the whole day long are not what our bodies were designed to do.  That kind of eating is against the natural order of things and that is why some of us get very fat and unhappy to boot!

So why do those of us who have an eating disorder do what we do? There is no easy answer to this, if there was we would all get help and be cured.  Nothing quite so simple available sadly.  It seems to be generally agreed that those with an eating disorder seek to control through their food.  This could be because we feel out of control in other areas of our lives. Where the anorexic will go without food from their body, or just eat small portions in a certain order, the bulimic will stuff their face and then perhaps make themselves sick, use laxatives or excessively exercise to control their body from gaining weight. Whereas the compulsive overeater or binge eater will stuff their face.  Literally stuff their face, it is not a nice thing. 

Please do not ever think that those of us who eat too much really enjoy it.  Those flippant comments from healthy friends 'ohh I wish I could eat like you do'.  Really?  I seriously doubt it. For fleeting moments we may get a buzz or high as we look at the food, plan what we will do and start to eat.  But do we taste and savour it?  Probably not in the main, we are too focused on whatever it is that is driving us to eat. That could be feeling angry, unhappy, out of control, anxious, depressed or on the flip side even elated and excited.  Any emotion away from the norm can drive a person with an eating disorder to act-out. Believe me it does not take much with my warped mind.  I have a headache, know my instant answer?  Eat chocolate, totally illogical isn't it?

The week commencing 20th February is UK Eating Disorders Awareness Week and I would love to see some people speak out and break the silence. The amount of emails and DM's I have had in reponse to being open about my eating disorder is fabulous, but imagine the collective voice we have if we speak out.

We do not have to be ashamed that we have or had an eating disorder. Statistics show that about 1.6 million people in the UK suffer from an eating disorder.  See, you are not alone, there are lots of us and at all different levels of our addiction. But please know that you can gain so much by being honest with yourself and exploring this more. Go to Beating Eating Disorders  and take a look around, see if anything resonates with you.

There is some superb help out there and you do not have to start at your local doctors if you really do not want to.  You can refer yourself to many addiction or eating disorders clinics, google your local area and make that phone call.  Or what about Overeaters Anonymous?  Have you heard of them? They are amazing and you don't even have to have 1p to be able to access the support and help that is available through them.

Just been tweeted a link from Emma's blog.  She has had the courage to speak up and has opened a linky for anyone else who is posting on this subject.  Take a look at LLM Calling.

I'll leave you with a few simple questions.  Go ahead and ask yourself them -
Do you worry you have lost Control over how much you eat?
Do you believe yourself to be Fat when others say you are too thin?
Would you say that Food dominates your life?
Do you ever make yourself Sick because you feel uncomfortably full?
Do you eat when you are not hungry?
Do you have feeling of guilt and remorse after overeating?
Do you eat to escape from worries or troubles?
Does your eating behaviour make you or others unhappy?

If you are nodding or recognising yourself in some of these questions then please do seek help.  Make a phonecall, speak to a friend or a doctor.  Just do something, please for you might just have a problem.

and if you read this and want to chat to me, then do get in touch (mummyfromtheheart@virginmedia.com or @MichelleTwinMum) and I'll happily chat. I'll never break your confidence you can be sure of that. 

God Bless, Mich x

#Mumentum gang, I hope you do not mind me linking this up.  I am not at all suggesting any of you have eating disorders.  I was wondering what I woud write about this week as I had not felt inspired about anything and then when another lovely blogger reminded me about eating disorder awareness week I knew this was what I needed to write.

#Mumentum Reflections from the Week

It is Monday and it is #Mumentum time. So here are the things I have been thinking and reflecting on in the last couple of weeks with regard to all things weight and size wise:

• Your feet get fat too!  Yes, I mean it, honest. You have never seriously put on weight if your feet have stayed the same size, it must be to do with the width.  I got my summer work sandals out of the wardrobe and 3 pairs do not fit me. I don't want to have to buy more...
• My stomach has got to ridiculous proportions, my clothes are getting tighter but strangely I am less weight that I have been before.  It seems that after children when you have split stomach muscles (like I do, properly separated) it is extremely hard to get the size of your tummy down. I am bigger than many pregnant women, that is not something to be proud of.

Monday #MumenTum - Psychological Eating

So here I am, one week after joining the super #MumenTum ladies on our journey towards being slimmer and more healthy (or whatever people's chosen goals are)  and I am not even going to weigh myself today as I have not been good this week!  I know this, so what is the point of standing on the scales and confirming this?  My problem would be, if I got on the scales and they said more weight I would be depressed, even though it is justified, I just ate this, of course it would be justified -

but if the scales said less, then that is even more dangerous, as the way I have eaten this week I do not deserve to have lost weight and thus if I have by some freak accident I would use that as my proof to keep eating excessively.  My eating is so psychologically mucked up it is untrue.

I Want to say Goodbye!

Image Credit

Why is it that it is so hard to say goodbye to some things or some people? Things or people that are harmful to us and hurt us, can cause damage that can only be seen in years to come? Why do we keep getting drawn back to situations and practices that are not good for our physical and emotional health? You hear of abused children who continue to love their abuser and kidnap victims who grow to protect their abductor. Then there are also silly people like me with an addiction that keeps pulling them back to something which is causing them and often others harm. Now don’t get me wrong I am not saying that my problems with food are on a par to being abused but let’s be honest that is what I am doing to myself. Every time I stuff my face I take a step towards an early heart attack, diabetes and joint problems.

12th Stepping...

I was really pleased on Friday night when I went to M&S. I had the chance to tell someone else how fab my ED program is and to recommend that they attend. I really think the lady will go along and try a meeting for herself now.

The 12th step of the program is all about living the program and passing the miracle onto others (my wording not theirs!).

I decided to get measured for a bra as I was out without the kids and I was sure I was wearing the wrong size. The lady told me my size was right and how to choose the correct fit of bra. I just happened to say that I expect the size was now OK as I had lost a couple of stone. She said 'this must be God telling me something, as you are my fifth customer today who has lost lots of weight, how did you do it?. I went on to tell her about ED and she said she had called her local group earlier this year but been nervous about attending but after having a chat with me, she felt better and would definitely try the group. We spent over 1/2 hour talking and when I came out I felt really good to have passed on some knowledge. I pray for this lady, that she may come to ED and find peace and serenity in the program.

In fact I pray for everyone with the disease of compulsive overeating. That we may all find our higher power to lean on and that our emotional, spiritual and physical recovery increases each day, one day at a time.