Sunday 22 May 2011

I Want to say Goodbye!

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Why is it that it is so hard to say goodbye to some things or some people? Things or people that are harmful to us and hurt us, can cause damage that can only be seen in years to come? Why do we keep getting drawn back to situations and practices that are not good for our physical and emotional health? You hear of abused children who continue to love their abuser and kidnap victims who grow to protect their abductor. Then there are also silly people like me with an addiction that keeps pulling them back to something which is causing them and often others harm. Now don’t get me wrong I am not saying that my problems with food are on a par to being abused but let’s be honest that is what I am doing to myself. Every time I stuff my face I take a step towards an early heart attack, diabetes and joint problems.

Here I am approaching my 38th birthday and I really want to jump off the hamster wheel. No longer do I want to turn to food to solve any minor problem in my life. It drives me insane that I do it but oh how powerless I feel to change things. Weak, was that what I heard you say? Yes certainly in relation to food I am. Of course then the problem is intensified, not only do I hate the fact that I am turning to food to consul myself and to sooth any problems, I also have the issue that I now feel a bit weak and worthless about it too. What a vicious cycle this is.

You know when you feel a bit powerless to do anything? That is where I am right now, I have a desire to be slimmer as this will mean that I will look better, shopping will be easier, my health shall improve and as I have mentioned so many times it will also help my children develop a healthy attitude towards food and hopefully not gain the same ‘food will fix-it’ associations as I have. Do I actually want to work hard to lose this weight? No thanks, I cannot be arsed right now! Am I lazy at the moment? Yes I am. I don’t want to exercise; I have got out of the habit. I need a jolly big kick up the backside to get me moving and to help me gain some motivation to shift some weight again. That and some money to pay for the gym, exercise classes, time without the kids to do them etc etc

Have I lost faith that this will ever happen for me?  I have now struggled for the past 26 years. No, I have not lost faith totally, I know that one day this demon will be conquered but boy is it boring waiting for that to happen. I went shopping this weekend and bought loads of clothes, some really gorgeous ones and tonight I tried them all on and mostly they are going back as I just do not want any more fat clothes. I have enough that I can look smart and presentable at this size but I am currently a 22 edging towards a 24 and that is not somewhere I want to be long term. This time last year I was down to a small 20 and nearly 2 stone lighter. It makes me want to scream that I go up and down like a yo-yo.

Giving up overeating is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Not because I have led a completely simple or blessed life or because I am weak, it is because it is my crutch and a full-fledged addiction. Sadly I cannot go cold turkey with eating and therefore I have to learn to eat moderately and to abstain from all actions which lead me to overeat. I really need to get back to my weekly eating disorder support group and working my programme. I have to wait patiently, for one day the miracle will happen.

For now, I’ll keep being spurred on by all the things I want to say goodbye to –

• Bra wires, buttons or belt buckles that poke into my body and hurt me
• The fear of sitting in a confined space, such as an aircraft or funfair ride

• A wardrobe that spans about 6 different dress sizes

• Aching joints and breathlessness

• My embarrassment as I try to squeeze into a restaurant chair which is just too tight against the wall

• The dirty looks from other people that say I should sort myself out

• Feeling uncomfortable and sweaty in the hot weather, skin rubbing skin is not pleasant

• Feeling awkward towards sex with my husband

• Small children innocently commenting about the size of my stomach

• Strangers congratulating me on my next pregnancy, when I am NOT pregnant
And I could go on and on, there are so many negatives that I want to say goodbye to. So why Lord am I hanging on to all this shit? Is it because it feels so familiar it is almost like a friend? Help me come to a place where food is no longer an enemy or a friend; it is just something neutral that is necessary to living my life and not eating my life away!

Is you are suffering from the same and relate to this post then my heart goes out to you. Eating too much is a painful punishment.

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