Monday, 11 July 2011

#Mumentum Reflections from the Week



It is Monday and it is #Mumentum time. So here are the things I have been thinking and reflecting on in the last couple of weeks with regard to all things weight and size wise:
  • Your feet get fat too!  Yes, I mean it, honest. You have never seriously put on weight if your feet have stayed the same size, it must be to do with the width.  I got my summer work sandals out of the wardrobe and 3 pairs do not fit me. I don't want to have to buy more...
  • My stomach has got to ridiculous proportions, my clothes are getting tighter but strangely I am less weight that I have been before.  It seems that after children when you have split stomach muscles (like I do, properly separated) it is extremely hard to get the size of your tummy down. I am bigger than many pregnant women, that is not something to be proud of.
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  • I am looking at very, very big people on the streets now and wondering when I might be as big as them.  Not because I want to be but because I don't seem to be doing anything to help myself. Some people may look at someone on the street who is a 22 and think they are huge, I have to see someone who is about a size 30 to think they are huge.
  • I was chatting to Sasha at Thinking Slimmer the other day and I said to her that I  could never imagine myself slim.  I just can not visualise it, I am really hoping the #Slimpods will help me with this.
  • I now subconsciously plan photos to block out my fat.  Look at that nice picture at the top, of me and the kids, I purposely grabbed Miss E to sit on me knee so she would shield my gut from the camera.
  • Here is a big one!  I am scared of losing weight, in fact really petrified.  I am not sure what I think would happen but it is safe and known to be this fat. It is like a big comfortable or (actually very uncomfortable most of the time) jacket.  If I lose weight I might have to face up to or deal with things that I am happy to keep buried.  There is also the concern about all the excess skin being left and having to have surgery to repair myself.  I know this does not make much sense but it feels so real to me.
  • I get so cross with myself that I allow myself to be this way and then I move to apathy and think 'sod it, there are worse things in life than being fat' but then I remember that for me this stupid weight issue is taking over many things in my life and clouding my judgement and stopping me being the best I can be and fit for whatever purpose God has for me.
There are many things that I know, if only I could remember them all the time -  
  • Eating does not make me happy
  • Food does not solve any problems
  • Chocolate is not a cure for a headache
  • Food will not appease my anger
  • People will not like me any less if I am slim
  • The reason my joints ache so much is because of the strain on them due to my weight

I look forward to the day when I can beat this enemy.
I hate that food rules my life right now!

Sorry for how negative this post sounds, I am on a real downer at the moment.  We have an infestation of cloth eating moths in our house hence we have ripped out all our upstairs carpets, my work deadlines are ridiculous, it is the girls birthday and that means entertaining - all I want to do is hide in bed.  I won't. I'll sort myself out - starting now as I go to bed to get some much needed sleep.  Night all x

There are quite a few of us joinining in with #Mumentum and we always welcome others.  Visit Liska to find out more.

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