Conversations about Fat

Last week the girls and I were sat in our lounge. Miss E and I cuddled up on one sofa watching a DIY program and Miss M sat on the other playing with her tablet and chatting away to us. It was an easy family hour, all content in each others company; we were relaxing and letting the busyness of the day fade.

Then all of a sudden Miss M looked at me and said 'Mummy, M, R and L at school all say you are fat' and she looked sad. Great, thought I, the nasty comments from other kids has started already, they are only 7 but remaining calm I quietly asked 'Oh what did you say to them?'

As quick as anything Miss E butts in 'you're not fat mummy, you're skinny'. This is of course ludicrous as I'm a size 22 and definitely a larger lady but I love Miss E's loyalty and desire to defend me.

Miss M is still looking sad, in fact looking like she wishes she had never bought the conversation up in the first place. I don't want her to be put in this position so I speak 'you know I'm fat babe, but does that make me a bad person?'. 'No Mummy, you are lovely, they made me sad saying you are fat' Miss M quietly comments.

'I know darling but you don't have to be sad because someone talked about me, it is none of their business, they obviously don't have anything better to talk about' I reassure her. 'So what did you say to them Miss M?'. Shyly she looks up and says 'I told them you are still my mummy and I love you'.

'Good, you did the right thing, don't get into an argument. Just play with other people if they make you sad'. All the while Miss E has been wittering on in her worried little nervous style, about how I'm not fat, I'm her lovely mummy. The three of us then progress to have the same conversation we have had many times before, that being fat does not define who a person is. They will have the same personality whatever size they are and it is not wrong to be fat. What is important is being fit and healthy, some larger people have excellent diets and run marathons and some very thin people eat junk food all the time.

We cannot judge a book by it's cover and really, is it any of our business what anyone else does or how they look? Both girls agree that no, it is not anything to do with other people and we end the conversation with Miss M looking less worry laden.

Following this conversation, the subject of me being very fat is again at the forefront of my mind. Hang on, who am I kidding? The fact that I'm obese never leaves my mind, as much as I wish to be able to accept this is who I am and the way I am, I just can't do it. I don't want to be this size, I know I look 8 months pregnant and I'm not happy with that.

This of course means I need to do something about it. I need to drop the excuses and practise what I preach, it is time to hand my issue to the Lord and have confidence that He will help me beat this.

It is not just about me anymore, it is about all those I love and how it affects them too. Please Father, help me I beg you.

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The sad and ugly truth – Not so #SilentSunday

A wonderful lady posted this picture of me on Facebook this week
with the caption 'Beautiful face and soul'. Thank you Jeannine xx

I’ve known for a long time, in fact I wrote a post quite sometime back that resonated with a whole load of people. I’ve always been quite open about my problem but I do feel it has been pushed under the carpet for well over a year now. Just look through my blog, when was the last diet or weight related post that I published?

I have all sorts of issues with food, I eat when any kind of emotion is off kilter, so that is happy, sad, anxious and glad (oh and anything in between those too). I eat because I love to eat, I eat because I enjoy food, I eat when I want to celebrate, I eat because I’m bored, I eat out of habit, I eat because I’m scared not too. That last one is totally strange, isn’t it? But I really do have this fear of hunger, it is irrational and I’m not at all sure what I think might happen if I allow myself to get hungry but I get anxious and I don’t like the feeling at all.

For the last year I have been enjoying ignoring my problem, thankfully my weight has only moved by about half a stone in that whole year. It could be far worse but last night was a bit of a wakeup call. I caught sight of myself in the mirror in the girl’s room and I had to look twice, I did not recognise me. What I saw in the mirror was a proper fat person, not just someone over weight but a woman who had really let herself go. I am now at least 7 stone overweight and that is not based on becoming a size 10. That 7 stone, if I lost it would probably take me down to about a size 14. What a world of difference that would be.

So why am I still this size if I am unhappy with the way I look, the example I’m setting to my children and the risks I’m putting my health at? I’m not really sure, it is a question I ponder a lot. I have started and stopped so many diets in my life, I attended Overeaters Anonymous for over a year and I have been great with exercise since we moved to East Sussex but I just don’t seem to have found the right route for me. I do not want to consider surgery, I know it works for some but it feels like a cop out to me. The perfect answer is to eat less and move more, yes I realise it is simple. Simple but not easy for a compulsive overeater.

But with God’s help it can be done, I know this as I have seen it happen and the Bible tells me that He will not forsake me. It will seem weird to many when I say that I think my problem is that I do not believe that God will help me solve this problem. I know that I am supposed to hand over control for my issues to God and He will look after me.  That isn’t a get out clause though, I still have to do the footwork but fundamentally He is in control and I need to give it up to Him, but (and it is a big but) It only works if I believe, yes truly and utterly without any kind of doubt believe that God is there and that He cares enough to help with what on the face of it is a silly problem.  Most definitely a first world problem, one I feel I should be able to get a grip of and sort out.

Today I woke with such good intentions, after seeing myself for what I really look like I ate well all morning and then I went out for tea and cake, which in itself was not such an issue as I had only had 2 ryvita with ham for lunch but then dinner for JJ’s birthday came with a dessert in the price and I was weak and said I’d have it, which of course then lead to my defences being low and the popcorn made an appearance whilst we watched his birthday movie. I hardly even make a conscious decision when I eat these things and that is what needs to change, I must be more mindful when I eat rather than just on auto-pilot.

I feel stupid, I feel ashamed of myself and I feel like I want to hide this post but I must not, when I shove this all down and hide it then the problem is still festering. When I come out and say yes, I have serious issues with food and my consumption of it then I am facing up to the problem and tomorrow I will try harder and I’ll pray and I really want to believe that this is serious enough for God to help me with it. It feels so disrespectful when I doubt Him that I must pray and believe more.

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2012, The Start of a New Beginning #Mumentum

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2012, a brand new year and a great time to make changes. Not to make resolutions you understand, they are too easily broken but to make changes that will stay with me forever, sensible ones that are long overdue.

I am feeling good at the start of this new year, any worries I had about being depressed have been blown out the water by a couple of weeks at home with my family. Downtime and a lack of pressure have had a marked positive impact on me. It has finally dawned on me that in 2013 I will be 40 and that at 40 I should be fit and healthy. If I do not take control of my eating by then I may never and that is too scary to comprehend.

I have some superb goals to aim towards with regard to sorting my weight out. At the end of June this year I will speak at BritMums live and whilst I am a confident person, a trainer even by profession. The thought of this is a bit scary and that is a good thing as I always do well when I am apprehensive. I have vision of me in a dress standing there confident and feeling great.

Then in August 2013 both dh and I will turn 40 and I am hoping that my lovely parents will come and look after our kids for a week so dh and I can concentrate on a wonderful week alone as a couple. I just need to imagine how great this alone time will be if I am slimmer and feeling good about myself – watch out dh, you may find you are married to a 40 year old hottie (oh, you have to poke fun at yourself don’t you?).

So what changes am I making? Simple ones, the kind that I can keep up and that will stay with me:

• I want to eat 3 balanced meals a day and if I feel the need to snack in between they need to be simple and healthy at about 100 calories max.

• I will keep to around 1200 – 1500 calories per day. So nothing too drastic but enough of a cut that the weight will start to move.

• I want to cut down on the amount of carbs I eat. It does not feel right for me to follow the Dukan or Aitkens diets as I want a way of eating that I can establish for life but I have seen before that when I eat less carbs and have more protein and veg I see better results and feel a lot more energy.

• A superb friend that shaped up a couple of years ago has lent me a walking exercise DVD by Leslie Sanson and it looks really good. I am actually interested to start using it. I have bought my stretch band to use too.

• I will listen to my Thinking Slimmer slimpod each night as I know that when I do that my thought processes change and I want to eat better.

• I will pray and hand my problems over to God. I have to believe that my weight is a big enough issue that He cares about it and will help me.

• I need to go to bed at a decent time most nights.  The more tired I am the harder I find it to lose weight, so the obvious thing is to make me a priority and get enough sleep.

In 2012 I do not want to follow any fads or drop a large amount of weight in next to no time. I want to do this right and be able to sustain it. Today I weight 17st 9lb and am a size 22/24, then by BritMums Live I want to be a neat size 18 and whatever weight that brings. I suspect it will be a drop of around 4 stone. So 56lbs to lose in 25 weeks that is roughly averaging 2lb a week, which I know is realistic and healthy.

Rock on Mich…… and good luck to anyone else joining me on this #Mumentum or should I say gargantuan journey! I’ll be posting each Monday and keeping you abreast of my progress.

Come on, who is with me?  There must be quite a few of us trying to start shifting the pounds or getting fit.  I am hoping the lovely Liska will be keeping the #Mumentum linky going in 2012. 

Just to keep reminding myself of the need for this. It is the awful starting pictures again. Ohh delightful - every lump and bump is shown in these.  My idea is I will get photographed in the same outfit ongoing so I can see the success.

I Want to say Goodbye!

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Why is it that it is so hard to say goodbye to some things or some people? Things or people that are harmful to us and hurt us, can cause damage that can only be seen in years to come? Why do we keep getting drawn back to situations and practices that are not good for our physical and emotional health? You hear of abused children who continue to love their abuser and kidnap victims who grow to protect their abductor. Then there are also silly people like me with an addiction that keeps pulling them back to something which is causing them and often others harm. Now don’t get me wrong I am not saying that my problems with food are on a par to being abused but let’s be honest that is what I am doing to myself. Every time I stuff my face I take a step towards an early heart attack, diabetes and joint problems.