Being a twin...

Being a twin is a fab thing!

Here are some of the reasons why being a twin must be great, as observed by me -

1. someone to wipe your nose for you (yes they grab tissues and do each others noses)
2. someone to kiss you or stroke you when you cry
3. someone to always play with (or fight!)
4. when you do not fancy sleeping, there is someone to giggle with in your bedroom
5. a double size wardrobe - you always have something to wear!
6. you never get lonely in the buggy
7. everyone wants to chat to you in your buggy and tell you how cute you are, as there are two of you
8. someone who will share their food with you
9. if you do not fancy speaking, there is someone who will answer for you

I am sure there are many more, it is so lovely to watch them interacting and growing together. being a twin is a very special thing - I hope they will be good friends forever.

I am a butterfly, well caterpillar at the moment! lol

I heard a really good analogy last night which has got me thinking.

The lady talked of the Caterpillar becoming a butterfly. It builds it's cocoon and hides inside and reforms, the beautiful wings grow and then it has to really struggle to break it's way out of the cocoon. I never knew that it is really important for the butterfly to undergo this painful and difficult process as it is this struggle that strengthens their wings and helps them break free with the ability to fly. If someone thought they were being kind and cut them out of the cocoon they would never be able to fly and would just die.

This can definitely be applied to my life. Overcoming my overeating will be a major struggle but at the end of it I will be stronger and will of learnt to rely completely on God and hopefully I can fly. If someone else was to give me an easy fix (any diet, surgery, miracle weight loss cure), I would still have all the same emotional issues which would lead to me becoming fat and unhappy again. This is why diets do not work for so many people, they actually need to tackle the root cause of the problem and not the symptom.

Can you relate to this?

Mental Mind

I went to my meeting last night and was so clear on what I wanted to say on here - I really must try and get on here on a Thursday night when I return, because now after a good sleep and having the 2 little girls hanging around me it is a bit harder to focus on what I want to say.

Firstly I realised last night that I must again, start planning my food the night before and making sure that I stick to that plan. The logic is that I only can only eat what is on the plan and thus it takes away the constant preoccupation with food all day. It is what I did that first week when I lost 4lb and was abstinent from my trigger foods. So here I am this morning feeling pretty motivated. I prayed this morning and I must remember to keep doing so throughout today. I have my food planned and I really WANT to stick to it but it is through Gods will rather than my own as this illness is bigger than me. I wonder if that amazes anyone reading this to think that overeating is an illness?

I also checked back and I have been 16st 1lb for the last couple of weeks, so I have not put on as I thought I had yesterday - I have stayed the same. Certainly my clothes feel a bit better and my belt is a notch down. I am still regularly exercising and even on days when I feel as if I am doing pretty bad I am at least still very conscious of the fact that I am aiming to recover and that I have a long battle ahead, so my bad days at the moment pale in comparison to a few months back. My loss from my weight prior to having the girls is approximately 1.5 stone, so there is still that to celebrate. I would really love to be in the 15 stones by next weeks weigh in on Thursday, I think that would just be a boast to get away from this sticking point of 16st.

A week of kidding myself! end of week 3

I got on the scales this morning and they said 16st 1lb so slightly more than I was and I was grateful not to have put on - that tells you that I have not been great this week. In fact I think I have have just kid myself all week that I have been trying. I have had indian take away, chicken kebab, chocloate, biscuits, cakes.................... need I go on?

So I am very pleased to go to my ED meeting tonight and share with others and I pray that I will come home more motivated and able to control myself or at least rely on God to help me. Step 1 is going well, in fact I may be ready to progress to step 2 - I do believe that I have a problem and am powerless over food, now I have to believe that God can cure this problem for me and start to rely on him more.

The battle (that is exactly how it feels!) continues.............

Are you in prison?

I was reading my bible the other morning (can you believe it - I have now finally finished and can say I have read the bible cover to cover - still know nothing much about it but at least I have done it once - I will do it again!) and I came across a devotional from Max Lucado which really got me thinking.

Entitled the prison of want -
Luke 16:13 'You cannot serve both God and worldly riches'. Are you in prison? You are if you feel better when you have more and worse when you have less. You are if joy is one delivery away, one transfer away, one award away, or one makeover away. if your happiness comes from something you deposit, drive, drink or digest, then face it - you are in prison, the prison of want. That's the bad news. The good news is, you have a visitor. And your visitor has a message that can get you paroled. Make your way to the receiving room. Take your seat in the chair, and look across the table at the palmist David. He motions for you to lean forward 'I have a secret to tell you', he whispers 'the secret of satisfaction. 'The Lord is my shepherd; I have everything I need' (Psalm 23:1).

I am in prison, much less than I used to be. I am pleased to say that my wants in life have subsided but I am still guilty of wanting that next thing - the extension, the garage conversion, the second car etc etc. This really got me thinking though, I am so lucky and I have so much but what I should be focusing on is the wonderful life ahead of me. Living each day one day at a time and really enjoying it and making the most of it. I must stop planning so much and just trying to enjoy myself and my precious family.

Week 2 update

Well I have been a busy lady and have neglected to update my blog for a few days. I had Mum staying and then went back with her to see Dad for the weekend. I have had a lovely time with them and we got loads done at my home - cleaning, washing curtains, scrubbing windows, doing the garden etc etc

Last Thursday was my 2 week weigh in and I have to report that I lost no weight! but I am fine with that (really) as I do feel I am making some progress in regards to sorting my head out. My ED meetings have been going well, I am enjoying the fellowship and sharing, as well as the dedicated time to think about myself and not feel selfish. I am working step 1 at the moment and am being very honest with myself.

I am having good days and not so good days, but no real BAD days. There have been no major binges and no completely self destructive behaviour but I have succumbed to chocolate and other nice things.

I am feeling really good today, having been and done some aqua aerobics in my lunch break. My clothes definitely feel looser and I feel more confident and dare I say it, sexy - watch out dh!

Grace in small things

Just been reminded by a friend that I have not done one of these for a while and seeing as I am writing so much miserable stuff at the moment I felt I ought to really count my blessings and write something poitive.

So here is todays grace in small things -

1. I walked back from town to home today (it took about 50 mins) and I felt very good for the exercise and bumped into a good friend who I keep missing
2. A super friend has offered me a mobile phone as mine has broken
3. My Mum has been staying for the last week and we have done so many jobs around the house - my to do list has at least halved!
4. My girls went out for lunch and dinner today and bahaved so well both times - I am really proud of them
5. My big boy has a new boy in his class and he tells me he is making an effort to talk to him and ask him to play - we have read a book recently about the golden rule - Do unto others as you would like done to yourself and the story is about a new girl at school and how left out she feels. It is so nice to see JJ taking on board the advice himself and trying to be friendly

That is it for today.................catch you soon

Emotionally exhausted

What a day! and it is not over yet...............still the bath and bedtime routine to get through. I do hope that blonde daughter behaves tonight and goes off to sleep nicely rather than screaming the house down and making herself sick like she did last night.

Who knows why today has felt so bad? Work was fine, I got lots done and then I had a nice relax and watched an hour orfTV and even got a few PTA bits/ ebays listings done. That is when it started to go belly up as I had not left myself enough time to get the girls ready to collect JJ from school and the pushchair broke. I got in such a paddy - it is funny now I have a quiet few minutes and think about it (kids currently in the garden causing havoc - I love this weather!). I threw a spanner at the floor in anger. I really needed anger management at that point. I then proceeded to eat a packet of crsips and a chocolate mini roll - as if that would help me, but my warped mind said that yet again food was the answer.

I had all these jobs in my mind that I wanted to get done today and hardly any of them have been achieved and this makes me feel down but I know that I plan for too much and thus set myself up to fail. Perhaps I will get something done once the kids are in bed or maybe I should just stop myself and remember that I am supposed to value myself for who I am and not what I do.

Devil on my shoulder

Well the last few days have not been great. Foodwise they have been a real struggle. My Mum has been here staying with me and that is great, we have a lovely time together but I think it also lessens my resistance, having someone else around to eat with - not that she has the same issues as me, she is 5 stone lighter for a start.

Last night dh suggested I was in denial as I was choosing to have some chocolate and now thinking back on it, he may well be right. Last night I felt I was in control and I had just made a conscious decision to have some chocolate and that it would be fine. I thought that because I was not feeling hurt/ angry/ lonely/ worried or any other type of negative emotion that it was OK to have it. I now just think the devil was tapping away at me and helping me to be naughty. Slowly over the last few days I have had more and more naughty things (things I have no control over).

Yesterday I ate - weetabix and milk for breakfast, roast pork in a roll for lunch. All fine to here, then things went to pot! Piece of coffee cake, 2 choc chip cookies, 1 chocolate mini roll, 1 tiny brownie, few chipstick crisps, packet of chocolate, half tub Ben and Jerrys ice cream and a beef roast dinner with yorkshires. Oh what a day!

I have prayed hard this morning and I will endeavour to pray throughout the day to ensure that I do not have such a rubbish day again. No one said this abstinence and getting my eating in order would be easy - did they?

Onwards and upwards, feeling positive at the moment, sitting at 16 stone right now, so really hope that by my Thursday weigh in, I will be down in the 15's and back at a weight I have not been at since 2006.

I fixed your paper Daddy.

This morning dh and I came downstairs and JJ was already there. A picked up his paper and asked why it was on the floor, JJ explained that he had fixed Daddy's paper as it had fallen apart. A and I were in stitches when we realised that JJ had stapled his newspaper together (to the point that you can not read the middle third!) as it had fallen on the floor and gone everywhere. JJ did not realise that papers do this, he is just used to comics - so he thought he was being really helpful.

He gave me a wonderful laugh this morning, he was so serious about it all.

Just eaten chocolate

Could not think of anything better to entitle this post, but wanted to write this down so I can remember how I feel and hopefully stop myself next time.

About 20 mins ago I had a cuppa and realised how nice to would be with some chocolate. Now there is not much in my house at the moment, for obvious reasons! but there was some of the kids smarties, so I have just eaten a tube of smarties - fairly quickly and hardly even tasted them and certainly not really enjoyed them! whoops

I have done 7 good days of abstinence from chocolate and blown it but I am not going to let that get me down and affect my state of mind as that will be disruptive and pointless. I will put it behind me and start again right now.

Realisation - eating will be a conscious effort for the rest of my life...

I realised this morning that I will need to be aware for evermore of what I am eating. Everything will be a choice - do I eat it or abstain? That will be quite a big thing in my life, how bizzare that something as wonderful as food can become an addiction - a type of drug that has to be controlled and avoided at times.

I was making the girls toast and I wondered whether to pop myself a slice in as well - the logic being there was 2 slots in the toaster and thus 2 pieces were necessary. I then stopped myself and thought was I eating for habit or was I actually hungry? I decided no I was not hungry and I did not need the toast. The girls ate theirs and I did not miss it one bit. Another moment where I am proud of myself.

Woe is me

I was listening to someone the other day talking about how they had an argument with their Mum and it was unlikely they would ever speak again. This person talked about how she instantly felt as if she was an orphan and no-one loved her, she was all alone in the world and all sorts of things like that. In her words the self-pity had kicked in. Luckily her rational brain then said no, you have this, that and the other.

This really got me thinking and I could relate to everything she had said. If something happens I am fairly likely to go into overdrive and my imagination runs away with itself and by the end something that was quite small turns into a major drama. This is not a character trait I like and definitely one I have tried to work on over the years, but something happened the other day which again made me start to worry so I will need to be aware that while I am going through this journey to sort out my eating that I am perhaps more vulnerable to negative thoughts.

One of my fears as a younger person was that people did not really like me and found me a pest and did not want me around, I sort of go to grips with this - well to the extent that some of my friends have now been around for 18 odd years and my dh has been around for about 15 years. However I now have the fear that my boy JJ is the one who is not so liked and that his little friends would rather have someone else round for tea etc - it breaks my heart but I must just offer it up in prayer and hand it over tot he Lord for my worry can not help JJ at all.

End of week 1 celebration

So I weighed myself this morning, having got to a week after I started my ED meeting and started 'being good'. I am pleased to report that I have lost 4lb. At first I was not so pleased with this as normally when I start a diet I can shift 1/2 stone easily. I then had to remind myself I had not been on a diet the last week - I have eaten well and enjoyed my food, last night I even went out and had garlic bread and a meat calzone - so I have not exactly been depriving myself. How great is that to cut out chocolate and cakes and to have lost 4lb?

Some times have been really difficult, others have been a breeze but I have been aware of how I have been eating all week and I have not allowed myself to eat from comfort. So generally I am pleased with my week 1 progress.

Off to my meeting tonight to learn a bit more and hopefully be inspired to carry on for another week.

Dress for the job you want

I was watching a programme earlier and they were talking about the woman dressing for the career she wants rather than the one she has. This tied in with my thoughts earlier today when I was at work. I handed over some work and asked someone to do something and was told that it should be the line managers responsibility. We are quiet in my team at the moment and the issue is definitely a HR one, so I suppose the difference is that I dress and think for the job I want, not the one I have. Having always done a higher level/ more demanding role in the past (before having my kids and taking this part-time role) I still have the same mentality of getting the job done and ensuring the customer knows they are king. It just reminded me today that not everyone is like me and that some people are quite happy to dress for the job they have, because in fact that is the one they want. Do not get me wrong, there is nothing bad about this and I am not putting them down, it is just interesting to see how different people function.

I really find it hard to understand why some people get hung up with apportioning blame and wanting to know who made an error rather than the bigger issue of why the error was made and how we are dealing with it to ensure it is rectified this time and does not happen again. I have noticed changes in myself in the last year or so, especially since being back at work. I am enjoying my role being more supervisory again and having to take on different tasks. Also taking that overall helicopter view again is interesting.

I don't think there is a real point to today's blog entry (lol) but I did find it interesting to realise how much I am now enjoying my work and that I have yet again started to think about the future and my career options. I will try not to get too hung up on this as God may have other plans for me in a more Christian based vocation...................I will wait on the Lord and see.

Feeling very pleased with myself

.........but not in a smug way, just in a 'well done Mich, keep it up' kind of way.

I am feeling pleased with myself firstly, because I presented at a training course today and really enjoyed myself and got good feedback from a number of people. Apparently my skills are wasted in my current job, I also got told I should become a lecturer as I have the rare skill to present information clearly in a fun and informative way.

The second reason I am feeling very good is the amount of times I have resisted temptation today. Cakes arrived at work this morning, 8 tubs of gorgeous M&S mini cakes to be precise and I do love those but I was determined not to have any - I checked the packets out, peered into the tubs and yaaay did not take a thing. I settled for my yogurt instead. I am now on day 5 of abstinence from chocolate and cakes.

Later I was bathing the girls and JJ (thinking he was being kind) bought me up a lump of chocolate - I promptly binned it to keep it away from me.

I also went to aqua yesterday, the gym today and tomorrow I intend to gym and swim.

I now just need to keep this up for life...................lol, one day at a time remember Mich!

I am so blessed

I was just on my way back from an aqua aerobics session and was feeling so motivated when I realised I really ought to post about how blessed I am. All that kept coming to mind was the song 'I feel lucky'.

So for a happy post of the day - here is why I am so blessed -

• I love my hubbie and he loves me (I also fancy him too!)
• I have three Divine children, who are sparky and vivacious as well as loving and caring
• I get to work for 2.5 days per week which gives me some time to be an adult and earn a bit of money too
• I get to spend the other 4.5 days per week with my kids and doing mummy things like, school runs, coffee mornings, toddlers groups, oh and a cleaning too! lol
• There is enough time on my working days (be it early morning or lunchtime) to go to the gym, have a swim, do aqua etc
• We have found a great new Church to become part of
• I have some wonderful long term Christian friends and some great new Christian friends who all support me in prayer
• I also have some fab friends who I have now known for about 15 years and love and miss so much
• I have a great group of mummy friends who share all my parenting struggles
• My kids have fab Godparents who really bless them

and now I should be working, so that is it for now!

It's been hard today...........

Update following on from earlier.........

It has been a really hard day. It is now 8pm ish and I feel more in control. I am just having my tea and foodwise I have been pretty darn good today. I did go off plan but not to have anything naughty or more calorific (just because the Shepherd's pie I planned to have could not be cooked from frozen. Note to self: check earlier next time!)

I have felt like a proper addict going cold turkey today. I have thought about and craved food, especially bad comfort food (chocolate, biscuits etc) so many times today and have prayed and come through it. It does feel good to know this is the second day without any bad snacking and day 2 of no chocolate. It might not sound a lot but it is a start......... 1 day at a time I must remember.

Dh and I had planned to take the kids to the lake/ park after he finished work today and it looked like it might rain so I kept thinking about going out for a meal instead. This I decided is OK if I am going for entertainment/ to enjoy food/ to socialise.

Later during the afternoon I broke my new shoes (2 weeks old, gorgeous, just worn in, £35 in the sale!) and I was gutted, on an instant downer. My immediate thought was that I now needed a take-away to help me feel better about it. Luckily I caught that thought and realised what I was doing. I started convincing myself I could have a healthy take-away (a grilled chicken kebab with salad - no sauce) and then it would be OK to do so. I met with dh and we did our walk round the lake and I explained to him and he reaffirmed that if I am going to eat because it is comfort to me and it is to mask another feeling then I must resist and hold back. I am pleased to say I am sat here with a healthy tea I cooked myself.

So tomorrow is another day and I am going to keep journeying and trying my best with Gods help. I am also going to be firm and not weigh myself until next Thursday morning - please Lord let there be a lovely surprise for my hard work.

Grace in small things

1. I feel so much happier than I did this morning, my belly is full and my head feels a bit more sorted............ for now.
2. The girls are having a lovely nap right now
3. JJ and I have been making some cards for people, he is such a sweetie
4. dh is coming home early today so we can take the kids to the park
5. the sun might not be out but at least it is not raining! (watch it start now!)

Right off outside to clean the windows and frames while the girls nap

Update on the kids

Thought I would do a more positive post and give an update on where my gorgeous twinnies and handsome young man are at the moment.

The girls - 21 months
Both now chat, M more so. In fact she will copy everything you say to her. Her pronunciation is not great but she will try hard - she learnt to say sorry (orry) yesterday and that is very cute. She is practising that lots on E. E says less but is actually much better with sounding her words out, whereas M will say 'dum dum', E will say is a small, cute voice 'dummy please'.

They are running around behind me now in the living room having a right giggle with each other, that is the gorgeous thing about twins - they do appear to have such fun. I think JJ feels quite left out sometimes and he tries to join in but of course he is so much more boisterous than them so it can ends in tears.

Both girls love to dress up, especially E with hair clips, 'pretty' she tells me and does a twirl. M is more into clothes and will tell you 'wow wee' when you dress her in something new. She is currently wearing a pink frilly Dora sunhat, which seems to be her favourite item right now - whatever the outfit! ohh and both love my shoes and fighting over them. I remember JJ walking around in my high heels and now I have 2 more little people doing the same.

They are confident little girls, running off at toddler groups to explore and try new things out. They chat to people when in their buggy but E can be more shy if someone comes to her rather than letting her initiate the conversation. I get so many stares and smiles on the streets when I am out with them both - it does remind me of how blessed I am to be a twin mummy.

M really loves her mummy, always wanting cuddles and to be held. I indulge her (and me!) sometimes but I am determined not to have clingy kids. I must do OK as JJ is just the right balance, happy to leave me and play alone but always coming back to play with me and have a snuggle. E will give you a snuggle at bed time but she saves her best love for Alfie, her teddy.

So in a nutshell M is loud, chatty, demanding, funny, hilarious in fact, cheeky, a clown! Whilst E
is more quiet, content, facially expressive, stubborn and just plain beautiful - outside and in.

JJ - 5.5 years
He is such a tall boy now, in age 7-8 year clothes. He is also quite mature in his conversational skills and has some fab chats with you about all sorts. Emotionally he is still very much his age and a boy! need I say more. He is like a Labrador puppy who has not yet grown into his paws. Often falling over or knocking people by accident - clumsy is the word to describe him!

JJ has a very keen mind and loves to learn, he plays imaginative games alot and writes himself registers, adverts, magazines, lists etc to aid his play or you might find him cutting out a walkie talkie for a game. His reading and maths are coming on well at school and he actually enjoys what he does - which is so important. He goes to a sports club each week and runs loads of energy off and enjoys that.

Loud is probably the single word I would use to describe JJ, as well as vivacious, full of life, complete fun, energetic, loving, bright, caring and handsome.

He adores his sisters and is so sweet with them most of the time, always trying to help and not really understanding where the boundary is, but he will learn.