Wednesday, 27 April 2011

This time last year... I was very sad!

This is a post about miscarriage, if it will upset you, best not to read.  I feel it is very important to remove the stigma around miscarriage and thus I am talking about this and blogging about it too.
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Today I am thinking back to last year.  I had returned from Spring Harvest a very happy girl and I had just announced to the world that I was pregnant with my fourth child and then on this very day, 26th April 2010 I went to the doctors as I had some spotting.  Never did I imagine anything particularly bad, I thought it might have been a sign I was having another set of twins as I had spotting with the girls too.  The doctor could not find a heartbeat with the handheld and this did not phase me, there is a lot of flab to get through and I was only 11 weeks gone. 

He sent me over to the hospital for a scan just to be sure that all was well.  I sat there for about 3 hours before I was seen as they had to fit me in around the booked appointments.  Still I felt OK drinking my gallons of water and then having to pee, wasting all that preparation drinking!  I always thought that if anything was amiss in my life I would know it, I would have a feeling.  I am normally very intuitive and can sense that something is happening.  Not this time, my radar was off.

When I finally saw the radiographer, she asked if I wanted to see the screen, 'oh yes' I said  and I looked and I could see that it was all wrong.  After having so many scans with the girls I knew what I was looking for.  At 11 weeks there should have been a visible baby shape, a flashing heart beat, some movement but all I could see was a small blob, a very still blob.  Slow tears started to roll down my face, I knew even before she told me.

A missed miscarriage is what they called it.  For some unknown reason my baby had not thrived inside me and had died around 6 or 7 weeks.  It was strange to think I had been carrying a dead foetus around for over a month and loving it and making plans for how our future might turn out.  I got packed off home with lots of leaflets and questions of what I wanted to do next.  What I wanted was to cuddle my hubbie and to have my babe back.  Sadly the latter was not one of my options.

Dh was fabulous and I got the cuddle very quickly as he came straight home.  I made the decision that I would book in for a operation to have the babe removed as it was tearing me up knowing that the baby inside me was not mine but was now with Jesus. I had a few very sad days where I waited for the day of the operation, each moment wondering if the miscarriage would occur naturally before I got to that time.  The night before the operation it all kicked off and I had the most horrendous few hours.  Never have I felt pain like it or seen as much blood.  Thankfully within about 24 hours it appeared to be over and I did not have to make it to the operating table. Never would I have thought that miscarrying a 7 week foetus would be like this, it just shows that we are all different.  I know friends who have commented that they literally had a heavy bleed and a little cramping at the same sort of stage. I know I am not a woss when it comes to pain but this was devastating, perhaps because it had all been inside me longer?  Who knows?

I had a funny few months after the miscarriage, one day far more traumatic than others.  On the one hand I was fine, I knew my babe was in the best place and I realised it was not meant to be.  Dh and I are completely blessed with our three children and on the other I could not help mourning that little life that I had never got to know.

So now it is a year on and I feel alright, honestly I do.  Of course I remember and I will always treasure my memories of my fourth child, Samuel Noah  but for today I know that my life is just as it is meant to be and I will kiss those babes at home more fervently tonight than ever!

If you, yourself have been through a miscarriage or heaven forbid multiple miscarriages then I am praying for you and hope that your hurt is able to heal a little with time and love from those around you.

Mich x

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