Wednesday 5 May 2010

Its a funny old world!

I am feeling totally strange at the moment. Not particularly anything. I am up and down like a roller coaster right now. Someone said to me that having a miscarriage can lead to mood swings and I think they are right. I wonder if poor old dh is feeling the effects of living with me right now?

I am actually feeling quite sick tonight and of course my first thought was that it was morning sickness but no so. It takes some getting used to. I suppose I had 7 weeks learning and letting it sink in that I was pregnant and now I am only one week into knowing that it was not to be. When I think to this time last week I was in agony and wondering if I needed to go to A&E. I thought that a miscarriage would be very emotional and might only last about 48 hours physically. I now know that physically it can be awful. I am on day 8 now and feeling about 90% recovered but I can not believe what a week I have had. The pain has been beyond comprehension and I now know that I would never want to give birth naturally as I could not bear that again.

I feel very tired today, I went back to work today and was up in the night with Miss M, who was crying that 'her nose does not work!', yep she was blocked up! I think this tiredness is contributing to my feeling of being alone right now. I am not sure why I feel like that as I am with dh and we are chatting, I have been to work and school today and had the kids. So I have seen people. I suppose it must be down to the feeling of emptiness and loss inside but boy do I feel bloated at the moment - as fat as a large cow. So I will go to ED tomorrow night and start to do some work on that.

You know what it is like once you feel a little down about something, you then start to allow crap to make you feel even more down. About a week ago 2 of my followers of this blog unsubscribed and I have tried to ignore the nagging feeling but it is getting to me. Why have they left me? I expect as I am too graphic and write too much from the heart and that is not their cup of tea and lets be honest, that is fine. You win some and you lose some.

I was then heartened to see that I have had about 60 visitors since I was last on here (3 days) and that feels quite good to me (no where near what the big rated blogs get but so what) but then you wonder why no one has left a comment and said hi. Also there are a few bloggers that I felt that I had developed quite a good relationship with and a few of them have not even commented on here since I announced I was first pregnant and then that I had miscarried and that just reminds me this is not real and that it is very fickle. One moment you are top of the crop and another just forgotten. Some of it might be that I am not bothering to go on Twitter and promote myself and remind people I am here. I do not enjoy Twitter and I do not get the half conversations on there so I am staying away. Why torture myself with something just to be popular in blogsville?

It feels good dumping all this trash here, rather than having it in my mind and now I think I must go to bed and snooze before another busy day tomorrow.
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