Crimble

I am loving Christmas so far this year. I have been off work for over a week, we have had a good few inches of snow, I have been relaxing and the kids have been cute ... mostly!

Today has been lovely, dh drove the kids and me over to a big garden centre which had a nice kids grotto, we rode a train, looked at all the cute displays and visited Santa. Then had a nice big breakfast and back home for a couple of hours of chilling. Off to church for Christingle service, where the kids sort of behaved but it was good anyway. They had chips for tea and watched a DVD of themselves as babies, which they all really enjoyed and then off to bed after 1 pressie. Thanks Aunty Sue for the gorgeous presents for the kids.

Dh and I then wrapped the last of the pressies, filled the stockings and enjoyed our Indian take-away and a glass (or two!) of rose. One good film later, I am back on here for a quick catch up and about to make another DVD, now that we finally have the movie maker thingy working!

Generally my food has been pretty good, I have not felt as if I have gone without but I have been conscious to be healthful and moderate in my eating. I am pleased to say that today is one of abstinence. Tomorrow may be another story, but I will face the day one at a time.

So Happy Christmas to all my friends and family, not sure when I will be back on here.

The fantasty was better than the reality! lol

I have had 3 good days of abstinence and today would of been the fourth but I gave into the calling of some gorgeous looking cadbury thick chocolate biscuits. I had four of them instead of the yoghurt I had planned for after my tea and guess what they were not that great. In my mind they were going to be amazing and taste so fab but really they were gone in a moment and not that satisfying at all. Oh well, lesson learnt hopefully.

I am not going to beat myself up as I lost my abstinence today. At 8.30pm I was over it and starting my abstinence again. It is Christmas and there is so much good stuff out there and if I can resist at least some things I will be doing far better than any other Christmas ever before!

A good couple of days

Who knows that has changed. I think all that effort I made to get to my much needed ED meeting on Thursday night in the snow is paying dividends. This is day 2 abstinent - no chocolate, sweets, biscuits, cakes or ice cream. Thank you Lord. There has been so many times in the last couple of days when I have been offered things or had things available that I wanted to eat but I just had to think of how wonderful it feels to be abstinent, it means such a lot to me. Far more than a 5 minute fix of chocolate does. I feel slimmer and more in control.

It was hard at my Mother in Laws (MIL) today as she has so much yummy stuff there and she always cooks far in excess of what is needed, but I ate a moderate meal and stayed to my food plan, avoiding all my no-go foods.

My period has arrived today and I am finding that when I eat better I have less pain, which is great. It has been a tough day today in general, so again it is even more excellent that by Gods grace I have stayed abstinent. Our shower pump appears to have broken, I have lost one of my lovely pandora style bracelets, I can not get the video camera footage to make a movie and get onto CD (this is my third attempt in just over a year, having spent about 30 hours doing this!!!!! grrr) and these are all things that would normally seem unmanageable and drive me to food - but not today!

For today, I am sane and wish to get well and to stop eating compulsively. Thank you Lord.

Snowtime fun!

It has snowed here, which is not really my idea of fun but of course the kids like it! So I made an effort yesterday and let the kids play out twice and I even helped to build a snowman. Luckily they are all pretty young and do not like to be cold for too long. JJ still got to go to school so he did snowball fights there and got the boy rough stuff out of the way. Ads was at work, which is a shame as I don't think he has ever been here yet when it is snowed, it is always just me and the kids.

I am feeling pretty good and have been managing to relax the last couple of days and not being hyper busy. I have played with the girls loads and tonight will have some time with my boy (he has gone to work with Daddy today - his idea of bliss! I love it that they have such a nice relationship). Food has been pretty manageable and I am feeling positive for a Christmas without too much excessive food.

I obviously needed my ED meeting tonight

It was the night of the big work do, I have been looking forward to it, have a nice outfit ready, it is a free buffet and bar, loads of music, bands, tribute acts and even a casino in a brand new multi-million ££ complex and I just could not be arsed to go tonight! So I didn't. I seemed to be coming up with every excuse under the sun not to go, the adverse weather being the main one.

However, there I was at 7.40pm tonight driving 10 miles to my ED meeting, instead of going to the party! I then left only about 40 minutes after the meeting started as I could see the snow had settled and was looking worse and worse. It took me near on an hour to get home and I saw accidents but I made it here thanks to God. I was worried on the drive home and like jelly when I walked in the door but I also felt good that I had overcome one of my irrational fears and driven quite a distance in nasty snow on ungritted roads.

My eating has been pretty crap for days now and my head seems to be everywhere, so I was pleased I made it there and I feel quite strong and willing to be abstinent at the moment. Please Lord may that last. I want to be willing to hand my eating over to you. Please help me not to shop for unwise choices and help me to clear the things out the cupboard that should not be there. I really wish to be well and have clarity of thought. Help me to stay in the day, focusing on just that one day at a time and not projecting for the future. Help me also to mind my own business and to stop being judgemental or interfering in what others do. Only I can live my life and only they can live there - help me to remember that please.

Lord I trust in you and thank you for loving me. Amen

Totally Insane!

It is official, I am nuts!

I was at work yesterday and I noticed that people had been bringing lots of yummy foods into the office - cakes, chocolate biscuits, sweets etc and boy did I fancy some. I managed to resist until lunchtime and then packed myself off to aqua to get out the office and not to think about food.

Well on the way over there I remembered that they sell the most lovely chocolate chip shortbread and I started thinking about how I could swap my foods around for the day. The plan was shreddies, tea cake for breakfast. Chicken roll, crisps and satsuma for lunch. Jacket with tuna and salad for tea, then a granola bar. So I decided that I could have have the shortbread as part of my lunch, dump the granola bar and have the satsuma after dinner.

I obviously knew this was the wrong choice as I struggled the whole way through the aqua, asking God to stop me buying it but desperately wanting it and to taste how nice it was. I could even hear my food sponsor in my head telling me I had gone into treat mode because I had done aqua and that what was important was sticking to my food plan and getting through the day without the focus on food. Not deciding that swapping them would be OK as mainly the calories would still be the same but that I would still be 301. Too much thinking can drive you nuts....

So I spent an hour in the pool completely obsessing about food. Insane!

I then went back to work and ate my lunch, chicken roll, crisp and shortbread and yes I enjoyed it and stayed away from other food for the afternoon. Upon getting home at just after 5pm I just did not try really and stuck a penguin bar in my mouth, then when I got back from JJ's concert I had my tea, minus the salad and ate some chocolate after too.

I spent the drive to bible study obsessing about what I could buy to eat to take with me for us all. I managed to avoid the shops and got there with nothing, to find chocolate flapjack on the table (along with satsumas for me -they do try to help me! bless) but of course I went for some flapjack and then a satsuma for good measure.

As always I pondered not telling my food sponsor about how weak I am at times, but that defeats the object and I only lie to myself. So here I am confessing all and repenting and praying that I will be able to manage to be abstinent from now.

I hate this disease, I do not want to be controlled by food anymore and I hate being so weak to it.

Christmas has arrived!

The kids decorated the tree today and I think they did a pretty good job - what do you think?

12th Stepping...

I was really pleased on Friday night when I went to M&S. I had the chance to tell someone else how fab my ED program is and to recommend that they attend. I really think the lady will go along and try a meeting for herself now.

The 12th step of the program is all about living the program and passing the miracle onto others (my wording not theirs!).

I decided to get measured for a bra as I was out without the kids and I was sure I was wearing the wrong size. The lady told me my size was right and how to choose the correct fit of bra. I just happened to say that I expect the size was now OK as I had lost a couple of stone. She said 'this must be God telling me something, as you are my fifth customer today who has lost lots of weight, how did you do it?. I went on to tell her about ED and she said she had called her local group earlier this year but been nervous about attending but after having a chat with me, she felt better and would definitely try the group. We spent over 1/2 hour talking and when I came out I felt really good to have passed on some knowledge. I pray for this lady, that she may come to ED and find peace and serenity in the program.

In fact I pray for everyone with the disease of compulsive overeating. That we may all find our higher power to lean on and that our emotional, spiritual and physical recovery increases each day, one day at a time.

I am delighting in my kids at the moment

Need I post more than that title? We have had such a great time together since the weekend, they are all behaving much better. Who knows why, maybe it is as simple as the change in my attitude and approach to them.

Saturday we had a party, Sunday me and dh took them all to a party at a soft play and then had the Xmas tree festival at church, which they all loved. Monday was nursery for the girls, Tuesday with Daddy, Wednesday half nursery and half with me and today in a moment we are off to toddlers and the I am going to work to make up some hours from when Maddie was ill, so Daddy will have them and cook dinner! yay

I am really looking forward to our weekend. Fri and sat at my Mum and Dads for some family time and then Sunday is church and Xmas tree decorating.

Miss E has really developed in the last couple of weeks, so coy and funny. She is forever asking me 'What's that?', 'whats in there?', 'Why?' etc - very cute. It has not got to the annoying stage yet.

Progress with JJ

Yep, I am pleased to report that my lovely little man is returning. Kevin the teenager (aged 6!) is disappearing. We had a real good chat last Friday and when I went to school and discovered he had got mad at his teacher and shouted at her that was the last straw. So we started a sticker chart and we are trying to fill a santa hat before Xmas eve night and if he does that we can put a cotton wool bobble on the top of the hat and santa will know to leave his pressies. It really seems to be working. He is thinking about things, saying sorry when he needs to, trying to eat better and generally being much more loving and far less rude. It is wonderful, we had soem time together last night playing post offices as a well doen for his efforts.

He got a sticker for star of the day yesterday as his beahviour at school was so good and I spoke to his teacher this morning who said his calling out in class has been much improved. She can really see him making an effort.

So Mum, don't worry I am not bringing a little bu**er down to see you this weekend. I am bringing that little man JJ that you adore. xx

For Today...

My reading today was very good. It spoke to me and thus I will share it. It basically said that 'we pray to God but continue to row to shore'. This is then explained as 'surrender does not mean I take no action: it means I take action and surrender the results'. This makes alot of sense to me. If I work it and hand the complexities over to God he will be kind to me and extend Grace and I will get the result that I need. Although I have not been abstinent the last few days I have been really tryign and by the grace of God when weighing this morning I saw I was 15st 3lb, so that is only a 1lb gain in the last week or so and considering some of the things I have eaten I am pleased with this.

Some days are harder than others

Being a Mum is not easy! I have a feeling I might have posted about this before..................lol

I am still having fun and games with JJ and his bad attitude. He is in his room playing as I type as he lost TV today due to his rudeness this morning and more than anything, due to his not wanting to apologise for his poor behaviour. I spoke to some Mums at the school today and they all seem to say the same thing, that their kids have grown some attitude in the last couple of weeks. In one way I am pleased to hear this, at least it is not just us but in another I also wonder how I will help JJ to lose the bad attitude when all his friends have the same.

Yesterday he came home from school and told me' Loser, whatever minger, your mama works in McDonalds'. Now let me say this was not directed at me as a derogatory remake but more to show off what the new thing he had learnt was. He told me he was taught this at breakfast club by one of the women that runs it. I did complain to the manager, we will see the outcome. I wonder if this is explains some of the behaviour, if he is being exposed to this kind of rubbish twice per week. He knows not to repeat this again!

Then you have the twins, they just wear me out and wear me down sometimes. M is the minx really - into everything and you say no and she laughs and runs off. I have to end up threatening or having a big voice to get her to tow the line. E is much better at doing as she is told but she cries and whinges and I really hate that - it grates on me.

It is all just silly stuff, but it makes things so much more difficult. I have to go out and collect dh in a moment and I turn round and they both have nappies, skirts and tights off. Just something extra to take another 5 mins before we leave the house! I feel like shouting I give up! M is like a puppy dog quite happy to pee wherever so my carpet is taking a beating. E has got pretty good and enjoys using the potty and getting her sticker.

I am off out to ED tonight and boy do I need it as I have been struggling and I am so hungry at the moment but I want to hold out until my dinner. I will really enjoy it then.

Update on me and my eating!

I feel a bit out of control at the moment, I got up later than I wanted to this morning - did not do my daily reading. Missed my aqua at lunchtime today due to a meeting overrunning and have eaten too much today, perhaps the result of no food plan. So tomorrow, I pray for a better day, I expect I have regained a lb or 2 in the last week, unfortunately things do move that quickly for me, so I need to focus and hand it over to God in the hope of regaining my abstinence.

I have planned a swim before work tomorrow so that will give me some thinking and praying time in the water and lunch is already prepared so there is no reason to go off track.

Wish me luck.....

A better day

I am pleased to report that today JJ stayed fairly clean at school and he got his pudding after tea. I only observed him being slightly rude once today to Miss E and when I corrected him there was no arguments and an apology to E, so hopefully things are sinking in. At bed time I gave him a big hug and let him know I was really pleased with his progress today. He says he is going to try hard again tomorrow - lets hope so.

This hurts me far more than it does you....

Do you remember a parent or other adult saying that to you when you were a kid? I do and I could never understand it. Well now I am the parent, the adult and I do get it.

I mentioned yesterday that we have had enough of JJ's bits of unrespectful/ rude behaviour and are trying to tackle it at the moment. He has been told that if he rushes his food or does not concentrate at meal times and as a consequence he or the table/ floor gets messy then there will be no other treats/ puddings/ nice drinks that day. Also if he speaks in an unrespectful manner (ie: with Kevin the teenager attitude) or forgets his manners then I will say to him 'JJ think' and he will need to rephrase and apologise.

This has been in practice for 2 days now and both days he has lost treats etc. He did earn back the right to have a cake after dinner last night as he really helped me in a difficult situation with the twins and I told him how much I appreciated his grown up behaviour. He has also been warned numerous times for his attitude or lack of pleasantries and that seems to be working he has got better and I even got an unsolicited apology today when he thought better of the way he spoke to me.

It did hurt me yesterday and I felt a complete cow as we were at a school fete and all his friends had cakes and I would not allow him one and then he kept winning sweets and just handing them over to me. However, I have to stay strong and show him that we mean business and of course I will be completely fair. We have still had time together and cuddles and stories but there is bits he will lose out on too.

Dh took his TV out of his room today as he told a fib this morning, instead of just telling the truth. He only realised this before bed tonight and we had a big cuddle and chat whilst he sobbed for his lost TV. I explained he can earn it back over the next few weeks but that he must realise how lucky he is to have a TV at age 6. (Now for anyone reading this who only knows me a bit - do not judge - it is not on much, he asks before he watches it and as a mega active child it is useful to calm him to sit for a while and watch a bit of TV).

So that is where we are with the operation polite child! I will update you more in a few days.

No Shouting Pact!

As the title says JJ and I have made a no shouting pact. I am terrible at shouting at the kids to get myself heard - they just feel so loud at times but most of the time the shouting does not work as they are used to it and ignore me!

I have also noticed that JJ has become terrible for shouting at the twins and they react so much better when he speaks to them lovingly. I just hear him copying me and it breaks my heart, so we all have to stop. It is amazing the ways God works to get you to listen to a message he is trying to tell you.

So we are all not shouting at the moment. He is finding it far harder than me, I suppose as an adult it is easy to stop myself and think before I act/ talk but it is much harder for a impetuous kid.

We are also working on JJ's messy eating/ hurrying/ poor manners at the table. I have had to put some serious consequences in place as the softly approach has not worked for any length of time. So now when he gets messy, rushes and spills stuff, is sitting badly, using his fingers etc he is not having anything to eat in the day other than his 3 meals with no treats, sweets, desserts, snacks, milk or anything else. It is just 3 meals and water - enough to keep him healthy.

I made a mistake!

Whoops, I have now realised why I got a D in maths at GCSE grade. I said that I have lost 40lb to get to 15st 2lb and I have not. This is a shame but not the end of the world and it was a genuine mistake. I started at 17st 9lb and have thus lost 2 stone and 7 lb. I had calculated those stones at 16lbs in each stone and I have realised this is not correct. There is of course 16oz in each lb! doh

So what I have actually lost is 35lb and I think I just got overexcited and thought it was 40lb.

Thankfully my period is practically over now and I feel more balanced, less tired and generally more sane, so hopefully I can really get my eating back on track. Like I said on Tuesday it has not been terrible but just not the wonderful abstinence I had for 2 full weeks. I was pleased yesterday that I was at the school fete for about 3.5 hours and all the 100's of cakes (yes there really was 100's) were looking truly amazing and I did manage to stay away from them all.

Grace in small things

How can I not do a grace post when I am feeling so incredibly grateful?

1. Watching JJ being invested into Beavers tonight. He was so excited!
2. Having a snuggle in bed with Miss E this morning.
3. That I only have to focus on one day at a time and with God's help anything is possible.
4. Watching a great Joyce Meyer DVD last night and then singing my heart out to worship songs on the way home.
5. Having now lost 40lbs!
6. Having the PTA accounts all up to date and balanced.
7. having a helpful hubbie.
8. Listening to Miss M singing Little Donkey and asking me to dance with her

Looking forward to eating moderately every day

each day I read from a book called 'For today' and the reading I had today really stirred something in me. It talked about my past life being filled with diets and that these generally had a life span, ie: you would diet for Christmas, an occasion or a holiday and when that date came you would over indulgence and the downward spiral would start again.

It mentioned the change in my thinking which makes it a pleasure to use the power of my program to eat moderately on days when excess is the norm. That is very comforting to me, I think about Christmas and wonder how I will survive this Christmas without binging. The answer is I will not buy many of the old foods that we once enjoyed and for those visiting my house I am sure they love me enough to understand that it is more important for me to appear inhospitable and not offer them excessive food and to remain abstinent.

So today I am reminded that what I was first told when I entered ED is true, that even the worst abstinent day is better than any day where I was eating to excess.

Quick update from me

Wow, just seen I have not blogged for almost a week. I wonder what I have been doing to keep me away from here? well PTA accounts mostly. It feels good to get things sorted but I do miss my blog.

I am doing pretty well, I broke my abstinence last Wednesday (period coming, broken nights sleep etc etc) and got straight back on the bandwagon on Thursday and then since then I have been on/ off/ on/off. Not doing terribly but not keeping consistent like I was. Definitely think some of it is down to it being the time of the month and wanting chocolate.

I weighed myself Sunday in the belief that I would have put on weight and instead found I had lost some. I was 15st 2lb, so this is now a total loss of 40lbs! How exciting is that?

So I am living day to day at the moment and praying for God to guide me to make wise choices and to help me be abstinent again.