Exploring New Things with Your Partner

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{This is a collaborative post}

Trying new things with your partner is key to a happy and long-lasting relationship. No matter how much you love someone, your feelings can fade over time if you don't work on your relationship together. A healthy relationship will always undergo change as people change over the years that they're together. The trick is to change with your partner, as this will create a stronger bond.

One of the best things you can do to change with your partner is to experience new things together. A lot of couples will try things together in the early stages of their relationship but will slow down as the years go by. This leads to the relationship becoming stale and uninteresting and can make people fall out of love over time.

Exploring new things together doesn't have to mean something like a strap-on vibrator, but instead, anything that both you and your partner are interested in. This could be travelling to a new country or something as simple as trying a new restaurant. Together, you and your partner will create new memories together, which is essential for building a stronger bond. 

Learning New Things

One of the best things about trying something new with your partner is that you both get to learn. Not only will you be learning to do something new, but you'll also be learning more about each other and yourselves. Learning new things together enriches relationships because it allows you to be vulnerable with your partner and vice versa.

When you're learning a new task, neither side is an expert. Therefore mistakes and failures are inevitable. This gives you and your partner a chance to offer encouragement and also helps cooperation. When you and your partner do this together, you'll foster closer ties and feel happier with one another.

Learning new things could include taking a cooking or art class or even picking up a new sport together. There are loads of opportunities out there and plenty of different things for everyone. If you and your partner struggle to agree on something you'd both enjoy, you can come up with a compromise to each try something the other suggests. Who knows, you may even surprise yourself. 

Dating in Hertfordshire - Finding Love during a Pandemic

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{This is a collaborative post}

What an odd time we are living through right now. If you're not attached and finding love is on the agenda it really isn't the easiest time but you know what they say in life, "nothing worth having comes easy" so don't despair you can still find someone to have fun with, devote your life to or even marry, depending on your desire. 

Dating in your Local Area

Being responsible at the moment means staying close to home and therefore dating within your home county is a great idea, as it means you won't be travelling long distances to meet up with new people. It also means that you'll be familiar with the areas where you'll go to meet your date/s and this will help you to feel safe. 

I lived in Herts for 15 years and lots of my friends dated and found love within our local area. You often find that by searching locally you find someone with the same kind of aspirations in life and someone who enjoys living in the same area as you do and therefore if you decide to commit long term you shouldn't have to make a big upheaval and move away to a new area. You'll retain all your friends, maybe make some new ones and can stay with your job and local clubs. 

Of course, you won't go on to marry every person you date and therefore if you'll continue to live in the same area once you have broken up, you need to make sure you break off any relationships well, so you can ensure there are not any awkward moments in the future. And on the flip side, you might meet people who you know you are not romantically suited to but actually, you get on wonderfully as friends and you end up with some new friendships from your experience. That is surely a win.

Hertfordshire Dating can be a delight and I thought I'd share some great places to meet your new date or to take an existing date across this beautiful county. For more ideas take a look on Trip Advisor too.

Supporting your Friend through their Divorce

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{This is a collaborative post}

Whilst the number of heterosexual couples getting a divorce in 2019 may have dropped by over 10,000 from the year before, 90,871 (Source: ONS) is still an incredibly large number of people choosing to end their marriage.  As such you are bound to have friends going through this difficult period. Even if your friend is the one who instigated the divorce and was fully fed-up in their marriage, it can still be a very tough time for them and it's good to be able to offer support and let them know you are there for them.

Here are a few ideas of how to support your good friend thought their divorce -

Be available to listen

Your friend many have loads of unresolved issues and hurts that they need to get off their chest, so it is good if you are just able to be there for them and listen. You don't have to provide answers, or platitudes, just show you are interested and offer a big hug as necessary.

Don't judge or place blame

Even listening to your friend talk for hours, you may never know exactly what went on it their marriage, so make sure that you do not judge or apportion blame. No-one wants to hear that they should have listened to you and left their spouse years ago, nor that you saw this coming. Avoid bad-mouthing their ex too, as they may just get back with them again in the future and then where will you be?

10 Top Tips for Dating when you're Divorced

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{This is a collaborative post}

I have to be honest I am well out of the game when it comes to dating; it is like another world now, as the last time I dated was in 1994 and that's quite some years ago! However, just because I'm not dating (I don't think my husband would approve), doesn't mean that many of you aren't. I know from my local friends that there are many people my age who are now in the second stage of life and divorced dating. So I thought it was high time that I chatted to a few of those friends and put together some tips for anyone who is now dating after a divorce.

1. Take it slowly at first
Even if your divorce comes as the end to the worst marriage on the planet there is still bound to be a sense of loss tied up in the relief, and as such it is important to allow yourself some time to breath, and even grieve before you dash straight back into full-on dating. Make sure you have some quiet time focusing on you and thinking about how you want your next relationship to look. What is important to you, and how can you be a better partner next time?

2.  Decide what you're looking for
I don't mean draw up a massive list of what this partner of your dreams must look like or do. Just have a good think about what is important to you. We are all different and it doesn't matter if your friend Sally will only date a man with his own home, or a full head of hair. What are your non-negotiables? Mine would be, that he'd have to be kind and good around my kids.

Speaking the Language of Love

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{This is a collaborative post}

Is there such a thing as the language of love? I suspect many people would assume it is all about perfect chemistry and romance - roses, the colour red, candle-lit dinners and hot bubble baths run for you by your beloved, but I believe it is different for every person.

A few years back I read the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman and in more recent years, I've read some of his spin-off books as well and they're excellent. I definitely buy into his thinking that there are five different ways of receiving and giving love. This applies to any kind of love too, romantic, friendly, parental, platonic.

Even the best of matchmakers probably couldn't tell at first glance if you're love language compatible with your partner, but dig a bit further and the good news is that we can all give and receive in all the love languages.

Chapman suggestions that the five love languages are -

1. Physical Touch - this is probably the easiest to understand. It is about all expressions of physical touch, both sexual and non-sexual. So an encouraging shoulder squeeze could be enough to motivate a teenage lad who has this as his primary love language.
2. Acts of service - this is my number one. I really feel loved when people do things for me, especially when it is unexpected and I haven't had to ask them. So my husband stacking and emptying the dishwasher so I come down to a tidy kitchen in the morning is a big turn-on for me.
   

6 Signs Your Marriage May Need Help

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{Collaborative post}

Although it's devastating to admit, sometimes a marriage doesn't always last. A divorce is one of the hardest things you may have to go through but for the sake of you and your family, it's important that you do what you feel is the right thing. If you're sitting there wondering if your marriage is coming to an end and you're just not sure, here are six things to look out for -

1.  You No Longer Have Anything in Common

If you now find that you no longer have anything in common and your personalities have changed since you first fell in love, it may be that you're no longer a perfect match like you used to be. Whilst having the same hobbies and interests isn't essential in a marriage, for some it can be the glue that holds them together. The best thing to do is sit down and discuss how you move forward from here. Have a think about how you can compromise and get involved in each other’s interests.

2.  You Feel as Though You Can Do No Right

 Another common reason for a lot of marriages coming to an end is that either one or both of you feel as though you can do no right. Sometimes a marriage can get to a point where neither of you is making the other happy and no matter what you do, you feel as though everything you're doing is making it worse. Whilst this is a horrible stage to get to, it's important you've recognising it. For a guide to identifying if something is fundamentally wrong in your marriage, you can visit this site here.

36 Hours in London with my Hubby - A Big Reason to be Cheerful

How are you today friends? I hope the week has been treating you kindly. It’s been quite a good one here and I’m looking forward to a chilled and uneventful weekend.

The basis of this weeks Reasons to be Cheerful post was my overnight stay in London with my hubby last weekend. We only had 36 hours up there but it was enough to tire me out, as well as provide a fabulous time.

We headed up on the Friday morning once the kids were off to school and started the day with a wander of Borough Market, with coffee and cake at Southwark cathedral. It’s so nice to be able to chat without interruptions, and I really needed a break from hearing ‘Mum’!

I asked him to marry me with a sweetie!

I have been with my husband for a long time, we got together on 28th December 1994, he rescued me from a wet and windy pier and a horrid creepy guy.  He was my hero! OK scrub that, he still is my hero.

I've been feeling a bit nostalgic recently and was thinking back over our eventful relationship together. In 1999 my husband asked me to marry him when we were on holiday in Tenerife, I said yes,  I had been waiting quite a while for that proposal.  It was very romantic - late at night and we were sat at the waters edge looking at a beautiful electric storm out at sea.  He asked me if I could see where the sea met the sky and I replied no. He told me he loved me that much, further than we could ever see. It may sound corny to you but that was possibly one of the most lovely, unprompted things he has ever said to me.  He is not much of a talker you see.

Creating Great Relationships with your Kids

I've was away at Spring Harvest a couple of weeks ago, it's a large Christian festival that our family have been going to each Easter-time since our kids were born. It's a time I absolutely love as the kids get to go to groups each morning and evening (now they are older) and spend time with other kids that share our faith. Then my husband and I get time to be together - to have a coffee, attend a teaching session or maybe just take a walk. This isn't a holiday based on spending lots of money or doing amazing activities, it is all about each of our relationship with God and with each other.

The format for the teaching has been a bit different this year and the majority has been all together within a large venue seating around 3000. I can't say this is my preferred style of worship and receiving teaching and in previous years I've been able to go to smaller break-out sessions which are much more my style. I can however, totally understand why they have chosen to have the adult teaching all together as the theme this year is unity within the church and us all being 'one for all' but as I said I don't find it the easiest way to digest information.

Being a Good Friend Isn't Always Easy

I've got to the age of 42 and if I'm honest I can probably count on two hands the number of really good friends I've had in my life. I don't find it that easy to make close friendships and certainly not to keep them going. I suspect there are all sorts of reasons for this but today doesn't feel like the day to dissect it and examine it.

There really is something about friendships shared over a long period of time though. Take those three ladies I'm pictured with above, I've known them since I was 18, that is 24 years and there we were earlier this month supporting our friend Kate who had lost her sister. Julia and I had a coffee before the funeral and I felt tears in my eyes as I said to her 'gosh I miss you' as I hadn't seen her for about three years. Purely because we had moved house and she had moved house and now we were a couple of hours apart. This reunion made us both take stock and we will be meeting again very soon.

I'm in a comfortable place now where I realise that friendships come and go with different seasons and stages in life. It was quite a wretch a few years back when a couple of friendships just started to tail off and I didn't see people as much as I had before and this was just because I/ they had gone back to work, or our kids had grown older and were not so friendly any more. Moving away has also had a big impact and I'm not the best person at keeping in touch, as much as I might think about it. I just don't like telephone calls, they make me all sad.

Why bother with a joint bank account?

Image by Hin255 from Free Digital Photos. Net

It really is true that children learn what they live. Growing up as a child my parents made all spending decisions in consultation with each other and they only had one joint bank account that was used for everything. I don't know why they choose to have a joint account, if it was what was done in those days, if it just seemed like the logical thing to do or if it was because both of my parents came into their relationship without any real earthly riches and were starting from scratch together.

I grew up knowing that what was Dads was also Mums and vice versa. there were never tense conversations about money and they were both very sensible and only spent when they could afford it. We didn't have abroad holidays or new cars as those things were beyond their means but we always had everything we needed and more importantly lots of fun and love.

I thought every family worked in the same way so I was super surprised when I found out from friends that many of their parents still had individual accounts. It seemed there were lots of different sets-ups within families, like totally separate accounts and no joint account at all or a joint account were a proportion of each salary went in and then separate accounts too. One partner might pay all insurances and the other for the holidays that year but I have to be honest this way makes no sense to me. What happens when one car is written off and the insurance won't cover it, would they just let one partner suffer alone?

Over the years many of my girlfriends have questioned why I would want a joint account with dh, I often got asked questions like 'why would I give up my independence?' or 'do you really want him to see everything you spend?' but for me it is all about trust and honesty. Yes there have been times over the years when he has felt I've spent too much (and on the wrong items) and I've had to face the music and we have talked about it and come to a compromise but it feels like it would be far more hassle to try and sort things from separate bank accounts and to hide things away from each other.

I've been with my husband for nearly 21 years and we made the decision to buy a house just three years after becoming an item. It was at this point that I started to ask him about having a joint current account so we could sort all our bills out from one place and with minimal fuss. It is quite amusing to think back to it now but I remember being hurt and insulted at the time, as my husband said he didn't want a joint account with me as he could not trust me with his money. I was gutted but realistically knew he was completely right. There were many times at university when my parents had bailed me out with a couple of hundred pounds and there was nothing I liked better than a good shopping spree. Spending really was something that made me very happy.

So the compromise was that we would have a joint account for all house-related bills and we would both put a set amount in there each month, We both earned around the same salary but of course the difference was dh saved and I spent. In fact we could never of purchased that first house if he had not had the deposit to place down for it. Over the next few years I proved myself with money and grew up an awful lot in relation to spending and being mindful of what was affordable.

By the time we married in 2002 we had a joint account where both of our wages were directly paid into and all bills and spending came out of. We both kept separate current accounts for a while but soon closed them down as they became a bit defunct without any money regularly being deposited. Now in 2015 we just have the one joint current account and no individual accounts for day-to-day spending. I only earn a minimal amount as predominantly I stay home and look after our family and I'm pleased to say never has dh pulled the 'it's my money' card. We both play valuable parts in our family life and therefore what we have in a monetary sense is shared and I'm so glad of our joint account as I'd hate to have to ask dh for money to pay for the kids clubs or to fill the car with petrol.

Our joint account gives me as a work-at-home mum independence and here are a few more reasons why I think joint current accounts are a great idea -

• One bank account for all your income and expenditure makes life much easier to keep track of. You instantly know what your current monetary position is.
• It also allows you to budget effectively together for shared costs such as food and holidays or save for bigger expenses such as a wedding. 
• Either of you can manage/reconcile the account and keep an eye on what is happening. 
• You are accountable to each other and therefore less likely to spend on a whim. 
• It encourages open conversation around money, spending and saving and that is never a bad thing. 
• It is good to be able to build up some savings in your joint account so that if you need to take a loan or mortgage you are able to prove your dual income and expenditure easily. 
• The Financial Services Compensation Scheme protection limit of £85,000 is a per person limit, so you are protected for twice the amount in your joint account.

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How do you make your husband feel loved and valued?

Over the last month or so I’ve been reading a great book on marriage, it is both instructional and autobiographical and it has reminded me how important my marriage is and perhaps how my eye has gone off the ball. All is well but I just know it could be better, if you asked my husband if he felt really loved and appreciated, would he say ‘yes, for sure’. I think perhaps not, so this means I have some work to do.

Now if you are a non-Christian reading this you might be thinking ‘well that is all a bit one-sided Michelle, you both have to work at it and surely he should be putting in the effort too’ and of course you are right, marriage involves two partners and we both have roles to play but as a Christian, I believe that actually there are three parts to my marriage and the third one is God.  By changing my attitudes and actions in prayer and consultation with God I know that my husband will see and hear those changes in a far more tangible and real way than if I was to sit him down for a deep and meaningful chat.

Love is an action after all, we choose to love someone. The flutters in your stomach and the hearts and romantic notion of love does not last a lifetime unless you work at it and nurture that kind of love. So even when you are not feeling it, it is so important that you are taking actions to show it and actually what I’ve found to be true is that the feeling then comes back again.

Last week I asked my husband to take the 5 Love languages profile so I could find out what it is that speaks love to him. Gary Chapman is a very well-known author nowadays and his work on the love languages has changed thousands of relationships for the better. I’ve been with my husband twenty years but the second to highest love language it showed for him was a complete surprise to me, I’m looking forward to our dinner tonight to discuss this more.

It is so important to find out how your partner receives love, personally, I like to do practical tasks and it is an act of love when I polish shoes, change the bed or iron all his shirts. This is not at all how my husband receives love and without understanding that I could feel quite taken for granted. Any time we can invest in our marriage is so important, a few years back my husband and I attended a marriage course run by the local church. This was not a course for those in trouble but for those (at any stage of their marriage) to strengthen it. It was truly wonderful - dinner cooked for us and then a romantic table for two with drinks and desserts and prompter questions to explore our thoughts, feelings and life together.  I’d love to do another one of these as I think you both change with time and especially as we have both matured as Christians in the last eight years or so since we did it.

As I’m wanting to honour my husband and to express my love for him I thought I’d ask a group of Christian women what they do to make their husband feel special, just the small actions that make a difference to him and their marriage. Here are some of the ideas they shared with me -

• I do things that I know will make him feel loved (namely, make him a coffee and buy/make him small pressies) - reading the book Love languages was really positive for our marriage as it showed us how we were communicating love differently. (The Fairy and the Frog)
• For me, it's keeping the house tidy (or trying to!!) as that's what helps him relax!
• Some times are harder than others. Family life can be a challenge, particularly the often complexities of raising a family. Keep talking, through good and not so good times, reminding him, as he will hopefully remind you that your marriage is important.and for life.
• We have set a night a week as a devotions night together - we read a passage, discuss it and pray through it together along with whatever else is on our minds. We found that by prioritising time with each other but also with God that our relationship was closer and out of that closeness with God we actually had some amazing evenings together.
• I always greet him properly with a kiss, eye contact and comment when I see him. He addresses me before the kids when he gets home. I send him love texts and or bible verses every day by text. He sends me links to articles he thinks would interest me. We try to have a date night each week, though lately, it's a home a lot. We try to hug and hold hands and have physical contact in the business of the day. We pray or read the bible together.
• I feel a bit embarrassed saying this but making the effort to initiate sex makes a big difference to him! And booking a babysitter to take him out!
• Use the time on Snooze to turn to face your partner, cuddle, chat or whatever. Also the ten second kiss to show you care, my husband teased me by counting with his fingers and claiming longer or saying I had forgot to kiss him long enough!
• A big thing is saying thank you to each other. 
• We have started to sit down on a Wednesday night with the calendar and work out who is where when for the next week!
• I just started the 5 love languages (for her) bible reading plan on the You Version bible phone app and it's already helped me and my attitude after 2 days! Would recommend it (they do a for him one too).
• Put a nice song on whilst the kids are around and have a slow dance with your hubby and let the kids join in too. Our daughter loves it and comes up for a dance in between us sometimes. Also it reinforces our relationship in front of her.
• Date night & read The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie OMartian, very insightful. (Lizzie at LizzieSomerset)
• Show him you respect him. Very important.
• I'm loving doing the Love Dare book right now, a bible verse, addressing an attitude and then a daily dare to invest in your marriage,
• We have a night away every 3 months or so. 
• I heard something awesome this weekend. A woman was telling my friend about a marriage course called 'respect and love'. I don't know anything about it, but as she explained it my jaw dropped. She said men need to love their wives, then the wives can respect their husbands and women need to respect their husbands, making it easier for the husbands to love their wives.  Made me happy and think about my marriage in a new way.
• I think it's realising what your hubby needs. For me notes, pressies and slushy texts are all what I like and make me feel loved but definitely not what makes him feel loved, he doesn't get it! Also my Hubby needs me to sit next to him and do nothing, my constant tidying, cleaning and planning make him stressed.
• Supporting him in all things. I have the joy (not) of being secretary of his RC club even though I actually hate them but Alan enjoys them and loves his club so I will support him where I can. (Sara at Walking with Angels)
• Not putting him down in front of other people. (Filipa at Gourmet Mum)
• Making sure I thank him regularly for working hard. It's easy to forget as it's not as 'visible' as me looking after the kids or cleaning the house but his job facilitates me being able to do those things and he sacrifices being at home with us more for that.(Jess at Catch a Single Thought)
• We did Mark Gunghor's Laugh your way to a better Marriage course at church and I think you can watch clips on Youtube, it is very helpful and humorous. It has helped us understand how men think differently than women, Anyway, he described men as thinking of one thing at a time ie , cars, TV, work, kids and that's it, whereas women tend to compartmentalise things kids, job, shopping etc but they are all interconnected and she can think about several topics at a time.
• Prayer emails from the Unveiled Wife and the 5 day Valentines challenge from Time Warp Wife were suggested too
• To look directly into each others eyes for four minutes (set a timer!) without talking. We did it for the first time yesterday, it was so powerful, bringing me to tears and repentance

Woah, that is an awful lot of good information there and I suspect it might be too much to take in on one sitting but I just didn't want to leave anything out. So bookmark this page and come back again. In fact come back once a year, each year of your marriage and take on board a few new ideas each time.  That is how we ensure we have a healthy and fresh marriage.

Wishing you a very happy valentines day, I hope you enjoy the time with your spouse. Mich x

Confidence and breaking chains

I choose this picture because I'm not confident about it, I see fat face and messy hair,
I suspect you might see a fun time and shared love

I've been pondering the topic of confidence quite a lot recently and then a couple of Sundays ago at church it was the topic of the sermon and that of course felt very apt. The pastor started by presenting the question 'are you confident?'

My first thought was I'm confident in Christ and His abilities but not so much in myself. On thinking more I realised that my confidence in myself is situational and the more I think about it the more I realise I have lost confidence over the years.

I actually think I'm a bit of a conundrum, as when I reflect back to years gone by I can remember times of being very confident and forward, like when I was 14 and I received bad service in our local petrol station. I asked to see the manager and told them the service there was appalling and if they employed me I would make a difference, I got the job, became a supervisor by age 15 and stayed there until I went to Uni. Definite confidence in my abilities as a worker.

Then there are other memories of being a tween at someones party and sitting hiding behind the curtain and crying for the duration of the party. I didn't think I fitted in and to be honest pondering it now I realise that I was crying out for someone to find me and care - they didn't! No confidence in whether I was likeable.

I've worked hard on this needy nature and the desire to be loved and wanted and there has been immense progress but there are still times when my insecurities raise their ugly head and I think I'm being left out on purpose or that I'm not liked. I don't enjoy being like this but there is only so much you can change yourself, so now when the 'woe is me' feeling appears I just try to apply logic and speak to trusted friends to look for the common sense.

There are probably two areas where I still lack confidence, one is in my ability of lose weight and the other is in my ability to be a good wife. I married a man who is not good at verbalising his feelings and is not very demonstrative so this makes it incredibly hard for someone like me to be secure in her marriage and feel loved. I'm always looking for ways to be a better wife and of course the difficulty there is that I apply my interpretation of what a good wife is, rather than meeting dh's needs.

The weight issue also links to this and all the time I feel fat and frumpy I limit how I interact in my relationship and how uninhibited I am willing to be. I know I miss out on opportunities because of my perception of my size. A few weeks back there was a community day where I live and lots of fun activities were organised but rather than launching myself in and enjoying the team games, rafting or rounders I hid for fear of embarrassment or being too fat/ heavy to join in. I could probably spend the whole day listing all the things I don't allow myself to join in with or try, for fear of being too fat. Total lack of confidence in my body.

I suspect that if you asked people who knew me just a bit they would say I am a ballsy and confident woman but if you asked those who know me on a deeper level they might say not so much so. It really is quite strange, you can put me in front of 150 kids in an assembly, ask me to train 50 adults or give me a near impossible work deadline and I'll get on and do these things without a care in the world. However ask me to have just a few people over for dinner, to squeeze into a crowded space or to put myself out there for a voting competition with the chance of winning a blogging award and I'll be backing away as fast as anything.

From writing this today I have come to realise that I need to explore a bit more about the areas I am confident in and those I'm not and try to find the route cause of my lack of confidence in some areas. What is it I am scared of anyway? Why do I allow myself to be held back from things that might just be fun? How can I break down these barriers and change?

Years back a really good friend once said that if I ever lost weight she would dread to think just how confident I might be, as my size was the only thing I let hold me back. I wonder if I'm scared of that legacy she spoke over me and subconsciously I worry that I won't like me anymore if I lose the weight? I think it is time to break the chains and to be a big girl and just see who I might be if I shed my protective layer.

Anyway enough navel gazing for today, what I took away from the sermon at church is that the confidence I need is in God. I must remain firm in the things that I do know, that Christ died for me, that He loves me, that He accepts me as I am and that He is sovereign and above all else.

I need to take my difficulties and turn them into prayers and when I really believe my prayers will be answered and I'm willing to do the hard work then God will answer my prayers and in His time things will change. In the meantime all these trials that I go through will help to shape me and mould me towards the person God intends me to be.

These are some reminders of bible scripture to help me along this journey -

• Proverbs 3:26 - For the LORD will be your confidence and will keep your foot from being caught. 
• 1 John 5:14 - And this is the confidence that we have toward him, that if we ask anything according to his will he hears us. 
• Romans 15:13 - May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. 
• John 16:23 - In that day you will ask nothing of me. Truly, truly, I say to you, whatever you ask of the Father in my name, he will give it to you.

Does any of this resonate with you?  Are you holding yourself back because you are scared? Fancy joining me in breaking some chains?

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The sad one about friends....

My current best friend!

I've been having some sad moments lately, nothing too long lived but just times when I wonder where all my friends have gone and if I'll ever make any more. Moving away when you are an adult is a funny old thing, you don't really get as many chances to meet great new friends as you did when you were younger.  People already seem to have their friendship circles well established and then maybe it is just that I'm not that interesting but I can't seem to break into them.

It is nearly a year now since we moved to our new home and the only visitors we have had to stay are my family. They are of course the ones I want to see more than anyone else but I had hoped some other friends might come too, we have a few hundred bedrooms after all and can put people up! But I'm realising that life is busy nowadays and you just can't fit everything in, we can only make time for those we love best or want to see most and I suppose it is just a bit of an awakening to realise I'm not that person for many people.

Of course I've met some nice women here and I'm sure I could call on some of them if I needed a hand. I have a particularly lovely Thursday coffee group that I have joined and I see Mums at the school that I recognise but there is still those sad moments when I'm in the playground with a group of 3 or 4 chatting and one asks 'what are you doing over half-term, are you home?'  I'm just about to answer when another Mum does and she says her family will be about and before I can speak the other woman says 'great we must get the kids together and do something'. Whoops my faux pas, I realise I was not being spoken to and it was not an invitation for my kids.

My noisy, bossy, vivacious kids that are just like me when I was their age. They don't get any invitations home for tea and neither did I. Not that people did tea dates much in those days but you know birthday parties or swimming where the same. The Mums would chat and arrange things without me. I remember sitting in my bedroom, at the window crying watching the girl next doors birthday party that she had not invited me to. I was OK to play with most days but not good enough to attend the party. Oh dear this post is turning into a bit of a pity party now but I'm sure there are others out there who must relate and also feel a bit left out.

Friendships are difficult for me if I'm honest. I didn't really have any good friends until I was about 12, before that I was the odd kid out, the one who tried too hard. From secondary school onwards I met people that I enjoyed spending time with and we had fun. Then at Uni I seemed to come into my own and I met friends that I adore and would love to see more of. Sadly one is now in New Zealand and I find the whole oversees communication very difficult, another is a devout Muslim and our lives seem to have gone in very different directions as well as her being a couple of hours away and the last I do still chat with and will see later in the year, which is good. All three of them I still count as good friends. I know I could go to them with anything but still it is not the same as having a local person that you really click with.  You know, your 'go to' person that you can just watch crap daytime TV with if you so desire and go shopping.

I had friends like that in Hertfordshire before we moved and especially when JJ and the girls were little but again as the kids have got older and we have been at work, dynamics changed and we weren't able to spend the same sort of time together any more and now we are mostly Facebook friends.

I suppose I should have titled this post - '40 year old mum in East Sussex - would like to meet a new mate!' but actually I'm not sure how much use I'd be as a friend right now. I don't seem to have any conversation left, I'm not sure what to chat about. There are the kids but that gets boring after a while and my only work is blogging now, which unless you are a blogger is like a separate universe and that seems to be it. I've sort of lost me along the way.  I suppose I ought to go and find me and see if I like what I find.

Ohh and I also need to get off my bum and start inviting some kids to come back here and play. I really don't want my children to grow up thinking that people do not like them. I so wish there was a rule book so that mums and kids knew how to play all the games people want to play so we could just fit in and be liked. And perhaps there lies the problem for me, I want to be liked and what I should just be doing is is being me and saying sod those who don't like it, I'm better off not spending time with them anyway.

I haven't posted this to receive a ton of hugs, blogging is the one place where I know I do have friends. I just wanted to get this out of my system and to see if anyone had any good advise of how to make new friends as a grown up. Do I need to be move brave and do the inviting? and how do I help my kids form nice friendships, one that extend out of school?

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Time away with your loved one

It amazes me as I get older just how quick time passes. I really have no idea how it dashes past so quickly but nowadays it seems to be gone in a flash. Back in October my husband and I went away for three nights on our own and that time was so needed. We had not been alone like that for well over a year and we vowed that we must not leave it that long again. It is so important to stay connected with your partner and to ensure you are in tune and making time for each other.

I’m really thankful to the Macdonald Frimley Hall Hotel for offering my husband and I a night away in a couple of weeks. We have decided to postpone Valentine’s Day for a week and to enjoy it when we are away together.

Listen to this – just how lucky are we?

Dh is off work so we will drive down to my lovely parents on Friday morning and then early lunchtime we will drop the kids off to them. This is a win:win situation, the grandparents and our kids get to enjoy some alone time and I suspect they will go out for food, take the dog for a long walk, play in the park, stay up late and be totally spoiled. Dh and I on the other hand will head off just about ten miles up the road to Camberley for a light lunch and maybe a cosy afternoon in the cinema and then we will head straight to the Macdonald Frimley Hall Hotel to check in. I was not sure what to expect from the hotel but I see they have a whole range of short videos that I can watch to really see what the hotel is like. I'm even more excited after viewing them.

If I wasn’t dying to use the beautiful pool and sauna, followed by an hours massage I’d be sitting in the comfortable lounge having a cream tea. I can’t wait for this bit of pampering, my last massage was August last year and it really helped to calm me and relax my tense body. My aches and pains are like those of someone 30 years older than me so I am going to enjoy this so much. I mean, just look at that pool -

After a couple of hours relaxing I’ll head back to the room for an invigorating shower and then indulge myself by getting ready without any little people shouting ‘Mum, he hit me’ or ‘Mum, can I have…..?’. It is a luxury that only busy parents can understand, being able to shower and pamper yourself alone. I can do my nails, curl my hair and take care with my make-up as I get ready for my date night with my gorgeous husband.

Come 7.30pm we will head down for our dinner and be treated to a gourmet meal in the two rosette awarded Linden restaurant. I’ve been checking out the sample menu on the website and if it is available here is my pick of what I’ll be having –

Avocado and Greenland Prawn Tian
Pressed Slow Cooked Outdoor Reared Pork Shoulder with red cabbage, green beans and apple sauce
Vanilla Creme Brulee with a Shortbread Biscuit

I think all that combined with a few glasses of rose will really ensure that we have a fab night. We can then sit in the lounge bar and chat to our hearts content as we enjoy a nightcap before retiring to our super comfy bed knowing that no child will crawl in between us that night – bliss!

After a lie-in and let’s be honest, as a parent anything after about 7am is a lie-in we can head downstairs for a well stocked continental buffet and full English breakfast and then store our luggage whilst we go and explore the local area. I think I trip over to Windsor might be in order if the weather holds out for us.

I'm on count down now, just one week until we are there.....

Disclosure: I am being offered one nights accommodation to review this hotel honestly. Once we have stayed I'll write up my review and post it here.

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How to have a strong Christian marriage

Yesterday I posted how to have a good marriage and as promised here is the second instalment, this time focusing on what makes a strong Christian marriage. We established yesterday that every marriage is different and that we all have our own requirements of our spouse but there were some reoccurring themes like strong communication, tolerance and hard work. 

The same come out again as important factors for a good Christian marriage but there are also some traits that did not come up at all in conversation with my secular friends. Prayer, you can understand being omitted but I wonder why encouragement and trust did not get mentioned? It just goes to show what an enormous subject this is.  Sadly for anyone about to get married I can't tell you there is any secret that will ensure all goes well for you.  Just read as much as you can and I'd highly recommend attending a marriage preparation course or speaking to some mature Christians.

I thought it might be fun to throw in a male perspective so I asked my dh what his advice or tips were in regards to marriage and he pondered for an age and then told me he was a man of few words and apparently that is what made us have a successful marriage!  Hmm I think he was insinuating that I do the talking for us both and luckily that make us both chuckle and thus he gives the first tip for a good marriage, make sure you can laugh together and not take things too seriously.

He did then grow more serious and started to reel off a number of factors, such as partnership, acting as one, watching each other’s backs, trust and communication (both listening and speaking).  Also not expecting everything to be done the way you want it or in your time frame (I think that was a hint for me to lighten up), being able to have difficult conversations and discuss sensitive situations and looking to encourage each other. He then said as you develop your understanding of each other and your partner’s insecurities, you need to be there to support them in their weaker areas.

Then he finished by saying it was important to look for ways to keep it fresh and not allow your marriage to get monotonous. Make sure you have things to look forward to as well as shared hopes, dreams and visions; being on the same track, travelling in the same direction. I have to say I felt he summed it all up pretty well and I was surprised to get so much from him. 

As well as dh, I some excellent advise to share with you from a number of Christian bloggers -

3 Children and It – I think it's about constantly putting your spouse first and for me, that means before children....I know that is controversial for some but I truly believe kids are happiest when their parents love and respect one another....and they are willing to show it!

Johnson Babies – I think an understanding of 'forever' should exist before marriage. I think tolerance is the most important gift, before and after you have found love. Acceptance, compromise, and forgiveness follow closely after. They all appear as simple words, until exercised.

Diana Quartey – I see tolerance as accepting someone who is different from you, and loving them. Not so much having feelings of love with all the goose pimples and stuff, but working towards the 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 kind of love.

Secrets of the Sandpit – Vital ingredients include trust and respect, lifting each other up not pushing each other down and keeping short accounts - sorting out issues as soon as you can. Love is a choice you make every day, not a feeling that comes and goes. Love is being responsible for your own character, but the other person's needs - not the other way round. Love is equality - you must love and respect yourself in order to have something of value to give the other person.

Gourmet Mum – Speak kindly and try not to shout. Make the effort you did when you were first together, and try to get once a week just to have fun together (even if money is tight see this as a priority as it's investing in your marriage) even if it's a dinner at home with no TV & phones.

Emily Davies – I think the best advice I was given was on the topic of communication/conflict resolution: never use the phrases "you never..." or "you always" when facing a disagreement. It forces me to bite my tongue and slow down/ focus on the real issue. Always forgive, accept that you can't change them (remember it's not your responsibility to), never go to bed on an argument, hug often. Work towards solutions rather than 'being right' and holding grudges. Pick your battles. You being right is not the most important thing

The road outside - For me, what makes our marriage work is a general acceptance of each other - good and bad - and an understanding that we are married for life, full stop! I do think that 'being ready' to be permanently joined to another person is the key - and that's not to do with age, it's to do with knowing who you are. On a lighter note, I still flirt with my husband every day, still run to greet him when he comes home, still laugh at his jokes and listen to his stories.

Everyone else is normal – Lashings of repentance (I'm sorry) and forgiveness (that's OK), making time for yourselves regularly, and time to talk about what's really going on in your heart/world and having no Plan B!

Clarinas contemplations – Communication, communication, communication... Not holding grudges or leaving things unsaid... Take time to talk! Make time to ask each other honest questions and listen to the answers. Hold short accounts and don't go to bed angry with each other. Get things resolved that evening! Most of all, have fun together. Do things together and enjoy each others company. And pray. Pray for him and for your marriage every day!

I'll leave you on that important thought for a successful Christian marriage - pray.  Pray alone, pray together - just pray!  I have found the Stormie O'Martian book 'The Power of a Praying Wife' to be an amazing resource that really helped me get into the habit of praying for my husband. A chapter day took me about 20 minutes and I genuinely felt my love for him grow as I focused my attention on praying for him and his needs, even when he was annoying at times.  Yes, can you believe it? He can be annoying, but then so can I!

If you have any more nuggets of wisdom, then do feel free to add them to the comments. I hope you have found this post useful.

Mich x

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What makes a good marriage?

At the end of December, I posted some photos showing my husband and I through our nineteen-year relationship. I didn’t really share any words, except to mention that life is very different now to how we ever imagined but that we are happy with that.

One of the comments on that post said they would love to hear my views on what makes a successful marriage and I thought why not, it is something I am very passionate about. Last summer I wrote a post titled ‘No one said it would be easy’ and I outlined in that what a strong and lasting marriage is for me –

“I didn't go into my marriage thinking that every day would be a dream, nor that I would always feel 'in love' with my husband every day. I fully realise that a good marriage is about hard work, compromise, upset, difficult decisions and angst as well as the flip side of joy, delight, companionship, support, respect and contentment.”

I also said that I realised my version of a good marriage is not what most people want to hear, they want to know that marriage is filled with passion and exuberant times and of course, it is not at all doom and gloom. Getting married is one of the best things I have ever done, it turned my world upside down and led me into opportunities and new choices that I never knew were possible. For me, it is extra special as it was marrying that led my husband and I to become Christians and to find a way to live life differently.

While I was musing what it is that makes a good marriage I put the question out to some blogger friends, both Christians and those not overtly of any faith. It seems that people like to share on this subject and I ended up with a whole wealth of useful information and perspectives. 

In fact I ended up with so much that I need to split this into two posts, so this first instalment will be what makes a good marriage and then tomorrow I’ll post what makes a good Christian marriage and it will be interesting to see if perspectives differ.

For now I'll hand you over to some prominent bloggers, who share their advice for a successful marriage -

The American Resident - I think never taking the marriage, the partnership, the friendship or each other as individuals for granted is the key. When we start to do that we start to get unhappy and stressed and have to slow down, make time for each other and get back on track. 

DorkyMum - Never ever stop communicating, but be aware that you may have different ways of doing that.

Being Mrs C - Making time for each other without children, date nights make such a difference.

Thinly Spread - Knowing when to shut up. Space for each other's individual stuff - it's a partnership not joined at the hip. Realistic expectations - that mad bit has to mellow or life would grind (!) to a halt. At the end of the day I like him, he makes me laugh, I would rather spend time with him than anyone else.

Pink Oddy – Always stop to look at things from their perspective.

Mari’s World – My husband is also my best friend, there is a mutual respect between us and a desire to make the other happy. Also when we disagree we never harbour the grudge. On the whole try to go to bed with a discussion solved, an apology made and ready to start a new day

Little Lilypad blog - BE SILLY… don’t take yourself too seriously. Laughing always makes everything else easier. 

Kiddy Charts - Don't over analyse what your man says to you - by and large men are simple creatures, and usually what they say is exactly what they mean, unlike us ladies!  

Cambridge Mummy - Go into marriage expecting it to be work - it's not easy, it's not simple, it's hard work and is something that always has to be worked at. There's no coasting. There's no easy option. And I know that this sounds really negative, but I believe that after nearly 10 years together, we are only just starting to scratch the surface of making it work. And as hard as I find it - and I do find it hard, being a grown up and being married - I don't regret it one bit. It's the best thing I ever did.  

Actually Mummy - Tolerance, not expecting romance and passion.  In fact she wrote a fab post on this very subject here.

Boo, Roo and Tigger too - Understanding what is important to either one of you. I love to tell Mr Boo all about my day as soon as he gets home as I've missed my best friend, whilst I know he may have had a long busy day he lets me chat away knowing that once I have told him everything I will relax and unwind for the evening. 

The Crazy kitchen - My mum once said to me "Helen, you just have to learn to live with it" ...referring to the annoying things that both my husband & dad do...she's been married for 48 years so I suppose it works..

Keynko - An understanding that normal life is not a Hollywood romance, it is dull and difficult - but always strive to reach a happy ending.

Mums The Word - My advice would be to try and see the positives in each other. Yes, it bugs me that my Husband doesn't put his washing in the basket and he's practically allergic to washing up, but he's very kind and does everything he can to make me and Sausage happy, which is so much more important than the small, stupid things. 

I think we have some real gems in there. Of course, every marriage is different and my stance would be to establish with your partner what is important to you both, as long as fundamentally you both like each other and you go into your marriage knowing who you are and who they are with realistic expectations then you should be able to make it work but it will take work, never ever expect it to be an easy ride!

Thanks so much to everyone for their input, tomorrow I'll post the next instalment with all the advice shared by my Christian blogger friends.

Have a blessed week, Mich x

19 years ago today...

A guy that I was not that keen on picked me up from a very wet pier that I had just fallen over on.

He then saved me from dancing with a very creepy guy at the nightclub on the pier.

We had our first kiss that night and the rest as they say is history.......

Now here we are 19 years later with three small people to call us Mum and Dad and a life very different to the one we might have imagined all those years ago. I'm happy where we are and what we are doing and I'm happy to be with you.

Love you babe xx

I thought it might be fun to track through the years of photos of the two of us and see how we have changed.

1995 - on holiday

Christmas Party - 1996

1998 - on holiday

1999 - At a party

Our wedding - 2002

2006 - End of year ball

2008 - Family wedding, girls aged 1.5 years and JJ was 5 years

2010 - Another family wedding

2012 - My birthday

Christmas eve - 2013. Very blurry but I love the happy faces!

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