Friday 3 June 2011

CyberMummy - why so much fuss for one day?

Anyone would think that something truly momentous was going to happen in my life on 25th June.  Am I getting married, about to have another baby, emigrating?  No, nothing quite so significant, I am just off to a blogger conference. For some reason I have gone a bit loony and am getting all excited, apprehensive, nervous, anxious, stressed that I am going to this conference.

Let me just state from the start of this post that this is in no way a pop at the conference or its organisers.  I am truly thrilled to be going and the schedule and organisation looks amazing, but I have gone off the wall....

If I told you I have now bought at least 10 items of clothing and taken most of them back again as I am on the search for that elusive perfect outfit, would you believe me?  Yes, I expect many of you would as I have seen you on twitter doing the same.  Some with outfits, some with weight loss, some with hair colouring, haircuts, sponsors etc.  Where are you staying?  What time are you arriving?  What will you be doing after 8pm?  Who is your sponsor? ahhh, more stress. 

Why am I setting myself up to have a rubbish day? The build-up for me has been so immense that I really do wonder if anything could live up to the hype that is in my head!  I do it with something each year, I find one event, normally in the summer, perhaps a wedding and I focus on it and project for the future. I dream of losing weight and looking gorgeous and feeling great for this special event.  Then the time comes and I have not lost weight and I have struggled to find an outfit I like and I have an OK time.  Sometimes I get a bit down and think 'oh why bother having a drink, it's just money I do not need to spend!'.  Well bah humbug Mich.

I went to blog camp last month and for some reason I hardly planned for this in advance, I wore whatever came out the wardrobe that morning and I had an amazing day.  I expected nothing from it and received everything.  I suppose because it was on a work day and just a daytime event with relatively short notice it was a big help to me - no time to project!

The other thing playing on my mind specifically is the fact that I am not going with a sponsor for anything.  On the one hand I am very happy about this as it means I am a free agent and I have no pressure to 'perform', on another it is a worry that I really should not be spending in excess of £280 on a one day conference.  Then I also wonder why I don't have a sponsor for anything, I have this little fear inside that no one wants me, that I am not good enough, that they do not like me being a Christian, having an eating disorder etc. 

I did do the Cybermummy pitch post last December a month or so after most people and after about 2 weeks and no interest from a few emails I sent I decided I did not want that pressure and I removed the post and decided to go sponsor less.  That feeling of rejection was just not something I needed.  I then posted in March all balsy about how pleased I am to be going sponsor less but now I do have that nagging little feeling about no-one wanting to take on my blog.....  but lets be honest, this is my s**t and I need to sort it for myself.  Only I can make me feel any better about this.

But what can I do to solve this?  Not really sure!  I feel better just typing this out and taking a step back and realising that no-one will care if I look enormous, I am just one blogger amongst hundreds of others.  My weight or my lack of a sponsor should not effect people liking my blog  I just need to make sure it does not effect my confidence on the day and that I don't miss out due to being silly!

Get real Mich!  Anyone else need to get real with me?

If you liked this post, please use the Tweet button on the right! Go on, it's very easy. Cheers Mich x
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