Rejection: Even Harder to Watch as a Parent

A little treat for one of my girls. After being the brunt of a nasty game at school this week and her twin being away for the night for a birthday sleepover, it is important for her to know she is cherished too. It's not always easy growing up and I recall how it felt to be the one always left out but the good news is I grew out of it and I pray she will too. How I'd love for her to have one great mate.

A photo posted by Michelle Pannell (@michelletwinmum) on Feb 4, 2017 at 2:23pm PST

It's only been in the last couple of years that I have realised that at the age of 43 I suffer with deep-seated feelings of rejection. The root of these goes right back to primary school and being the last to be picked for gym or being the one left out when it was play time. I can still feel the hurt of being about 10 or 11 and sitting hiding behind a curtain at a birthday party, crying as I just knew no-one really wanted me there.

It's not easy being stuffed full of all these feelings of inadequacy and unlove for more than thirty years but the great news is that now I know about this issue I'm able to deal with it and I'm currently reading Uninvited by Lisa Terkeurst. It is proving really helpful, giving me insight into how I need to deal with those feelings of rejection that have stayed with me for far too long. I've also just started a course at church called Living Free and I had an amazing first week and can't wait to go along again tomorrow.

Thank the Lord that as I grow as a Christian God helps me to see all the issues that I have been burying for far too long and I have the opportunity to deal with them if I wish. This revelation isn't just helping me though it also enables me to see where my children might be having issues and right now one of my girls is feeling rejection in a big way.

The conversations you don't want to have with your children

You tell those bullies off my baby!

I picked JJ up from scouts last week and on the drive home we were talking about school and what he is currently studying. We talked about various things and then he announced that it was national anti-bullying week but that his school would not be doing anything as they do not have any bullies. I had to bite my tongue as my instant reaction was 'what, that's crazy!'. I then calmed myself silently and wondered if it was some sort of positive reinforcement type strategy, you know if you make all the kids feel valued and not accused, it might then help them to not undertake the bullying behaviour.

The next day I was speaking to some other parents from the school and they were as appalled as me that bullying would not be covered and their children have been in the school far longer and they assured me there was some bullying type behaviour, not what I wanted to hear but to be expected. Also one of them made a really good point, that even if it is a one-off school with perfect students what about the kids going to secondary school in a few short months, surely they need preparing for what has become really common?

However, I won't go all guns blazing to the school as I've been pleased with what I have seen of the teaching and the school life in general so far, so I need to trust that God is in this (it is a CofE school) and that the Head Teacher has reasons for the approach they have taken.

Realising that the school are not covering this topic did throw it back into my court and as a parent who wishes to be responsible I felt I needed to have a heart to heart with JJ. So there we were on our journey home and I mention to JJ that a young girl has taken her own life recently because of bullying and that I have a poem I'd like him to read. This of course opens up a really difficult conversation 'how old was she Mum?', 'why didn't she tell her teacher?', 'Why did they bully her?' I patiently tried to answer all his questions as best I could and of course I don't really have the answers, I did not have the privilege to know Izzy Dix.

I heard my 10 year old so adamant that Izzy should have told people how she felt and that nothing could be that bad, why didn't she change schools? 'I'd tell you Mum' and it felt reassuring to know he feels that confidence to talk to me, to fight back, to report people who are treating others unfairly. I reassured him he must always keep talking to me even if it is to tell me he has done something bad or naughty, I will always be in his corner. I just have to make sure I listen and take what he says seriously, a really hard call I'd imagine, as what parent wants to hear the worst?

We talked about why Izzy might have been bullied and I said I did not know the reason but from the pictures I had seen of her she was a beautiful girl and very smart too and that sometimes people do not like others who are prettier or smarter than them and they choose to be nasty and bully them. It was a real eye-opener when he asked me 'why didn't she change so they wouldn't bully her anymore?', 'she could have messed her hair up and got rubbish marks'. This of course prompted the conversation of why should anyone have to change just because one or a few people can not cope with who they are. We are all different and all God created and it is perfect that we show off our uniqueness and be who we want to be.

I think this conversation really started to show me just how mature my young man is getting, instead of my getting cross with answers that he gave I chose to question him and explore his answers with him, making sure that he could think through the consequences of his actions and thought processes. He told me that at school he had been told that bullying is when nasty behaviour is three times or more, it has to be ongoing and that just once is a mistake. We talked about how people do make mistakes and that sometimes people bully without even consciously realising that is what they are doing, however that does not make it acceptable.

I then made the choice to share part of my past with JJ and I found myself saying 'I was a bully when I was young' and yes I get a lump in my throat typing that. It eats me up to think that I could have been part of a long campaign of bullying that could easily have spoilt the life of a young boy. Thankfully I have been in touch with that boy in recent years and he has finally managed to move on. Click on the link if you want to read my account of being a bully, if my revelation can help any child to be aware of their actions then it is worth shaming me.

Never did I want to have to tell my kids I was guilty of bullying but I think it was a necessary admission and if it helps them to think about their actions and not to get involved with harassing any other child then it is worth the moments of discomfort I felt as we had the conversation. I can see the future now, there will be so many of these conversations with the kids that I don't really want to have. But they are necessary to help my children make good judgements and to be responsible as they grow and mature.

As a direct response to what happened to Izzy, a petition has been set up on change.org to ask the Govenment to close down Ask.fm, a Latvia based social networking site which gives anonymous bullies a platform and has been hotly linked to a number of teen suicides. Please head over and show your support and please make sure you are talking to your kids about bullying and particularly cyberbulling and how to be safe online.

I pray that the Izzy Dix anti-bullying memorial group's mantra of 'Don't bully. Love instead' becomes a national banner in all our schools, children's groups and online.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

If you like what you have read and want to stay up-to-date then subscribe by email for free and receive blog posts directly to your in-box - just click the link Subscribe to Mummy From The Heart... by Email or perhaps you like to keep all your blog reading in one place, if that is the case you can follow me on BlogLovin too!

Facing The Truth: I Was A Bully

A different lifetime. A different person. I was not me back then. Not the me I am nowadays anyway. Not a mother who understands that every child should be treated equally and that kids do not choose their upbringing. I was a little girl. A chubby little girl who often got teased by other kids and sometimes got picked on. But I was one of the lucky ones; I had an amazing family waiting at home for me.

I had no idea what I was part of. I wanted to be liked and to be part of the gang. So much so, that I am now ashamed of my behaviour. My recollection is that at the time I had no idea I was part of anything nasty. No realisation of what we were doing to one poor boy. No understanding of the way our cruelty would affect his life, and not just his life then but his life for many, many years after.

Shall I tell you the story of one boy who came and joined our primary school?

His father was in the army and thus he had moved around a bit and joined our school a couple of years in. I think his family were very tight for money; my recollection is that he did not have the latest toys or clothes like many of us did. He lived in some flats that most kids thought of as being a right off. I cannot remember that he smelt or was dirty or anything like that but for some reason most of the kids in my class took a disliking to this boy and looking back now I know that we made his life hell. I am so sorry for the part I played in this and I have made amends with L and said this to him but I think it is important to tell this story as it makes you realise how things that seem like harmless kiddie behaviour at the time can actually be much more sinister.

Basically, each time anyone saw this boy, we would cross our arms across our chests and say ‘fleas, injected for all my life’ (as if we had been inoculated against flies). Where this came from, how it started I have no idea at all. My memory is that it was practically everyone in class doing the same and I am sure the teacher was aware too, as we became more sneaky and would just mutter it under our breath and maybe slowly cross one arm over our chest so as not to be obvious. Why did this teacher not talk to us all? Why did they not have our parents to the school and insist we stop bullying L? Why did L’s Mum not demand the school did something? As a mother myself now, I am outraged for the lack of care the school had for L. As a human I am mortified at the way this impacted him for so many years and as a Christian I can certainly say I repent with all my heart and would love to forget this ever happened but as ever it teaches me humility to know that I am flawed.

I don’t know about you but stuff from my early days at school (about ages 7 -10 I think) is not something I think of often and I have forgotten much of what went on. So when I was contacted on Friends Reunited and later Facebook by L himself about 9 years ago when I was 28 and he started to ask me about our time at school and why certain things had happened and did I remember…. I had to honestly say ‘no, I do not remember most of it’. It was inconsequential to me but of course not to him, not when it was damaging his self-esteem each and every day.

My first thoughts were fear when he started to contact me, was he after me? Did I have a stalker? Should I be looking over my shoulder? But here I am 9 years on and nothing sinister has happened. I think L just needed to make some sense of his childhood. He told me that his mother left a lot to be desired and he had not felt wanted at home. So there we were, heartless middle class kids putting the boot in at school too!

I believe L is relatively happy now, he went through years of counselling but is now in a relationship and I pray he can live out his days happy and at peace.

Never again will I ever have to face the truth and know that I am a bully. I vow not to do that. I am an adult now. I know better. I have other avenues that I can pursue. I do not need to fit in with the crowd that much. I do not want to get sucked into others crap.

I am happy to be me, the Lord loves me and I am blessed with a wonderful family and great friends.

This post was written using the Prompt 'Past Secret' for Josie's writing workshop. Hosted over at Sleep Is For The Weak. Go take a look I am sure there will be loads of other great entries.