I have been asking myself this question the last couple of days and really I have no answer. I would like to think that I am making progress and taking steps in my recovery from the disease of compulsive overeating but then some of my behaviours around food are still so illogical that I wonder. I am definitely not putting my abstinence from poor eating behaviours first yet and this shows me there is still a very long way for me to go... it is a journey. I remember as a young child asking 'are we nearly there yet?' and my Mum would tell me 'every step is a step closer' and I think that really applies here. Every mistake I make and every tiny bit of progress I make will all make a difference in a big way one day. I just need to keep working my program, handing things over to God and believing that one day the miracle will happen to me too.
I went to my ED meeting tonight and it was a very good one, we had a chair (which is where someone shares their own story in the hope of helping others). The lady that shared tonight was fab and her story was so alike mine in many ways. It has made me start to think about a number of relevant things - first going on a diet as instructed by the doctor at age 11 - I was only a size 10, not that enormous! Bigger than my peers yes, but not crazy big!
I also remember being off school with my Mum and the main thing I remember is having fish finger sandwiches together. I have no idea what we did on those days off but I know what we ate - how telling is that?
The lady spoke about how much her sponsor had helped her and that at first she could not believe that someone really did not mind her calling and asking loads of crazy/ silly questions and this is where I am right now. I do not have a full sponsor and I wonder how anyone will want to listen to my self-absorbed witterings on a regular basis. I need to get out to other meetings and see is anyone is willing to sponsor me.
I shared at the meeting tonight that I went to aqua aerobics last night and afterwards rewarded myself with a chocolate chip shortbread. In fact if I am honest that was the only thing that got me out at 8.15pm on a dark and dreary night - the lure of yummy food! My food sponsor shared with me that if I can not trust myself not to indulge when I go to aqua that I actually need to miss it for a few weeks until I have given over my will enough to God that I can resist. This was a real revelation to me, I had no idea but it does make sense now I think about it.
She also said that anything I put on my food plan in the morning, I must make sure I eat and not try not to have it to avoid calories. Doing so is generally a false economy as I then feel hungry before my next meal and am tempted to pick.
So I know what I have to do - 3 meals in the day, keep the food within the meal time and not try to hang out the pudding so it becomes a snack rather than part of the meal and lastly I need to avoid situations where I think I will be tempted to eat. This may mean to exercise or cinema or going out but we are only talking a month or so, so not the rest of my life! I do need to get a handle on this eating and after 6 months of being in the program I ought to start making a bit more progress really.
So please Lord help me to be willing to do the above. teach me to be kind to myself and help those around me to be understanding of my needs around food. Amen