I had a bit of an epiphany on Friday morning, I think it has been long coming. I've always known that I desire to be needed and that being needy isn't a particularly attractive trait but I had no idea that I feel rejected.
I'm not sure where this stems from, I don't believe it is my family, I've always known how loved I am by them all. So I assume it must have come from my early friendships as I have very definite memories of not being wanted, of being the spare person in the group. It brings a lump to my throat when I remember being a young girl at a party and hiding behind the curtain and crying as I just *knew* I wasn't really wanted there.
There are so many childhood examples I could cite, like the the time I sat and watched the girls next door have a party in their garden whilst I watched from my bedroom window and cried. Or when my hat was flushed down the loo because the older girls at school thought that was funny. It is so hard to understand, I don't know why I didn't fit in but it still hurts and when it hurts I worry about my own children, about the same happening to them. Miss M is so like me when I was little; head strong and opinionated, not afraid to speak her mind and potentially upset people.
Then you have my little delicate Miss E who asked me this morning why some friends go somewhere else rather than our house in the morning and I replied that I didn't know. She then matter of factly asked me if it was because they didn't like us? How do you answer that? I struggle to believe that anyone could dislike Miss E as she is such a sweetie but of course I'm biased.
I've been worrying about this situation with a local family, I can't really go into on here but it has made me very sad and again this morning I was struggling to understand it but instead of allowing myself to get in the doldrums I turned to God and reminded myself that it does not matter if people reject me or do not like me, He likes me, in fact He loves me just the way I am and that is what I need to ensure my children understand too. We turn to God first and not people.
I was then later talking to my husband about work and how I want to be useful and to be achieving my full potential and helping where I can. Last week I could not do my voluntary work and by the end of the week I felt pretty empty, whereas this week I have worked Tuesday and I was off to the food bank that same day. It was when I was musing my voluntary work at the food bank that I realised how I feel about rejection as I found myself thinking about the fact that I'm just on the rota bi-weekly and the destructive thought 'they don't want me every week' popped into my head.
I am so glad I caught that thought and did not muse on it as you know what the bible says -
"Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life." Proverbs 4:23 (NLT)I also love this well known quote. No-one really knows its origins as it is attributed to many people but I personally feel it is very biblical in its message and it can be traced back to sermons in the 1800's -
Watch your thoughts, for they become words.It would be easy to just think that thoughts come from the mind but actually it is in our hearts where we believe and have faith. If I allow negative thoughts to enter my mind and dwell there, they will become what my heart believes and I'll be in the grip of Satan's lies. I've heard enough of his lies and I don't want him to be part of my life any longer. 2015 is already a year of change and I think the change is going to be deeper and wider than I ever imagined.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.
As I was journaling earlier I could think of loads of examples, both in the past and currently where I feel rejected or perceive someones actions or mannerisms to be rejections. Then as I pondered on I started to berate myself for assuming I am the centre of the universe and it is not all about me. I should not be feeling rejected by these people in my life, I should be feeling blessed. But it is what it is and being unkind to myself won't solve it and navel gazing and pondering what made me so self-centered won't either. I don't like to think of myself as self-centered but to be assuming that other peoples actions (or lack of actions) are because of me must mean I have too much focus on self.
Strangely I feel a kind of relief realising this, as it means I can now take steps to investigate it further and tackle it. I know I do not need to feel rejection, my family love me and God loves me, that is all I need but now I need to find out what I must do to make this my reality and really believe it.
I must focus on God and on being the person He intends me to be and that is a well-rounded person who is secure in His love and not seeking to be needed by others. There is so much work ahead...
I suspect a great first step is to delve into the word and remember what God says -
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." 2 Corinthians 12:9
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