Monday 19 December 2011

I Can't Give Up On Me...

What do you think when you look at those awful fingers?  Ouch, they look painful?  That is certainly how I feel, yes that disgusting excuse for a hand is mine and today it looks even worse.  In a moment I'll have to get myself a plaster as my middle finger is so raw and frayed that it is snagging on everything.  Do you recall I told you a while back that you can always tell what kind of state I am in by how my fingernails look?  Well, I will give you one guess how I feel right now!

Now don't go getting worried there is nothing so bad that I can't get through it or that I'll collapse in a heap but I do feel very low at the moment, I am having big pockets of unhappiness and being on the laptop seems to be make it worse.  This will be why you have not seen me on twitter or such lately.  Doing real life stuff, keeping busy, getting ready for Christmas is helping me loads though.  I even have a few hours of happiness and feeling light when I go out with the kids and just relax.

So what is making me feel like this? I'm not 100 % sure but I think it is down to my weight and my poor body image. I have some horrid feelings of self loathing at the moment.  Truth be told I just want to give up on myself and give in and say 'I can't do it, it is too hard' but I am sensible enough to know this is not an option.  So I am hoping that this crap I am feeling is my personal low, that one you have to hit to be able to claw your way back up to the top.  It seems that everyone who has a successful recovery has hit rock bottom and I have always known that I have never got there.  Some people in my eating disorders group have told me I am lucky, I have found help before I hit that low and I need never get there and that would be fabulous if it was true, but sadly I feel that until I hit that low I will still keep pissing around losing weight one week and giving up on my good work the next. I find myself boring, so who knows how you feel!

I must be honest and say that I do wonder if I am a bit depressed at the moment.  I feel different to how I did back in 2008 when I had PND, back then I wanted the world to leave me alone and I just wanted to sleep.  This time around I just feel sad a fair amount of the time.  I recognised this back in October when I decided to take a bloggy break and in the main nothing much has changed for me. I get these waves of sadness and I feel like the super unpopular girl at school.  I read too much in to everything and I wonder why I cannot seem to get it right.

I know there is a way through this, I just have to keep searching and I'll find it.....

Thanks for being there, reading and supporting me. I expect some of you wonder why I blurb so much personal stuff onto this blog but I made a commitment to myself to join up on a Monday each week with the #Mumentum blog hop that Liska hosts and even though I am not losing weight and being focused at the moment I figure if I can keep talking and thinking through my sh*t to do with my weight then at least I am keeping that discipline and will be ready to tackle it all again soon.