Friday 21 October 2011

Hi, I am Mich and I'm Unhappy

It's true, I have known for a while but I have been stuffing it down, eating to stifle my feelings.  Not wanting to deal with it but how long can that go on for?

Forever some may say, but I am not prepared to keep on going through life living it half-heartedly.  I want to feel joy every day and to know I am fulfilling my potential and doing what I can.  It is not fair on those around me that I am only present half the time and the other half buried in my addictions.

This sadness has been going on too long now.

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I truly believe I have a pretty blessed life, there are no major problems I have to deal with.  I have a good family, a husband, my children, a stable job with good hours, a nice home and enough money to buy the essentials we need.  So why do I not feel fulfilled and happy?

I don't believe I am depressed, I expect a number of people will read this and tell me to get myself off to the doctor and get checked out but I do not think there is a need for that.  I think the root of my problem is my addiction.  My addiction to food that is.  I have known for such a long time that I have a problem with food, the years of yo-yo dieting are testament to that.  It is not a lack of willpower, I am not weak.  I am ill, I do not have the mental triggers that tell me I have had enough to eat and for some strange reason when I feel any kind of emotion in my life, be it good or bad my instant reaction is to eat.  I even get a headache and the first thought I have is that chocolate may make it better.

Last night I went to my eating disorder meeting, it is one of the anon fellowships and as such I am not supposed to talk about it in a public place where my identity is known and I was so grateful to be there and to be anongst people who understand how difficult life is as an addict.  Being addicted to food is no easier than being an alcoholic or drug addict but the difference is that I cannot go cold turkey with food, I have to keep eating and that makes it feel very difficult to tackle.  It means I have to learn the art of moderation and limiting myself.  To do this all the anon fellowships advise that you must admit that your life has become unmanageable and that you must give up your control and allow a power greater than yourself to solve the problem for you.  Big stuff, big and scary.

But I feel like I am ready.  I am not willing to walk this half-death march anymore.  I want to fall in love with my husband again, I want to engage with my children and I want to love my body. Inside I feel bitter and twisted, like I am so hard done by and that others have it so much easier than me and I know this is not the truth but it sure feels like it right now.

So I made a decision last night to take a break from blogging.  To give myself some space to have time to read, pray, meditate and concentrate on sorting out the most important part of my life - what is inside me and what is negatively effecting those in a close relationship with me.  I am going to be starting my diet again very soon and using @Slimavite and just focusing on me and who I am and what I like about myself.  Only when I re-find that can I come back and blog again.

I realise that I have been cross-addicting.  Blogging and social media has become my secondary addcition, sometimes at the moment I sit in front of the laptop and wonder why I am there and feel really unhappy and unloved and I just know I am searching for something that a computer can never give me, so I give-in and I will stop.

I will really miss everyone, I have the jitters already.  I know this will be hard but I am going to really try to stay away.  I have made some review commitments and I will still fulfil those, so you may see the odd post go up but the 5 or 6 hours I spend at least 4 nights a week will now be channeled into me and learning to love and respect myself again and whilst I would love to blog that journey, I know that blogging would suck all my time away. So I am giving myself a break and hope to see you all again in December....

I will set up some guest hosts for Reasons to be Cheerful and will post about that soon.

Love you all,  Mich xx