Tuesday 16 February 2010

My own advice to my self-pitying self today!

I came onto the PC this morning as I have nothing much planned today and as Mum is here to supervise the kids, I thought what better time than now to catch up with some of my favourite blogs and to think about my 10 most surreal mummy moments. An hour of mummy time - bliss.

However, I am now feeling all sad. This happens to me sometimes, I am on a high and feeling good about the world (dh and I had a wonderful time at our marriage course last night. I'll post about it another time) and then one tiny thing can make it feel like it has all come tumbling down. I know it is crazy and illogical but I suppose you just can not tell what will affect you. For someone who appears so robust to the outside world I am a fragile little flower inside. Shall I let you into a secret? and it is not one I am proud of - I want to be liked and I want to be part of the gang. Anyone else suffer from this affliction?

Logically I have no idea why. I have lots of good real life friends, loads of fab virtual friends, great parents, a hubby I love, super kids etc but still I want to be liked and to fit in. I remember how hard I found the playground mummy gangs at first when JJ started going to school 3 years ago. I would worry they were meeting without me and yes occasionally people were. Why? because they knew each other pre-school or because I was at work. It took me about 2 years to realise that I actually did not have the time to become part of their gang and do all the things they did. That would mean I would not see my other friends, the ones I actually have loads in common with the enjoy spending time with. So now I have a great balance, I get invited to things and sometimes I go and sometimes I don't but we are always friendly.

But today...............I am feeling like the unpopular girl at school. This blogging world is still all new to me, I am just getting into twitter, BMB, commenting on others blogs, doing meme's, getting awards and recently entering my first carnivals. On the one hand it is thoroughly exciting and on the other I feel as if I am setting myself up to get hurt.

Now, this post is by no means on the theme of cliques or bloggers not being nice to me. Let me be clear everyone has been very nice to me (see my thank you post), not one bad word has been muttered in my direction. Loads of encouragement has been received and already I feel as if I have made a couple of friends. I know that this sadness I have today is internal, it is only generated by me. It is from that slushy emotional self that I can not seem to control. If I spoke to anyone in my ED group they would probably tell me it is because I am not working my program and that the addict in me is on self-destruct mode, that if I can get abstinent and refrain from compulsive over-eating that my perspective will return. Then I might have Christian friends telling me this is spiritual attack, that the devil wants to steal my joy and crush the good in my life so I turn to the bad. Both groups might have a point but ultimately I know that I just need to turn things over to God and get a grip! You are only as unhappy as you chose to be. Wake up and smile and choose to be happy and do not dwell on the crap. That is my own advice to my self-pitying self today!

Shall I tell you now, why I feel sad? It is because I did not make it into the current Mummy Bloggers Carnival. I know - life shattering stuff hey! I feel as if I put myself out there and submitted my first post for a carnival and then I did not get a mention. Some of the problem is that I do not really know the way they work. I saw Insomniac Mummy's great carnival and it had nearly 60 posts and was really inclusive and I thought 'ohh, I would like to be part of that'. So I submitted a post for this one and just 25 are in this one (I have no idea how many were submitted or what the norm is) and mine is not one of them and that is fine as I know I do not write anywhere near as well as many, many other bloggers but I just wonder how they were chosen. Does the host choose to their own criteria - the posts they like best, those with the most comments, those that fit a theme, pot luck?

So what did I expect? I suppose as a minimum I would just expect an email back saying 'sorry you did not make it into this carnival, try again next time'....... but maybe I am just being a whiny baby and should get a life and forget it. This post is not meant as a dig to the current host it is just me getting it off my chest.

So I leave you feeling much better that I have got all this out. After all that was the reason I started this blog initially to ensure that I did not internalise too much and dwell on it. I can now enjoy the last day of my 'at home holiday'.

I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. Go on be honest with me - have I taken this too personally?